Bitman By David Evjen Bitman1@aol.com Monday, August 25th, 2014 THE BITS… Rap mogul Marion “Suge” Knight was shot six times at Chris Brown’s MTV Video Music Awards pre-party. Amazingly, these aren’t the worst injuries Brown has caused before the MTV Awards. Rap mogul Marion “Suge” Knight was shot six times at Chris Brown’s MTV Video Music Awards pre-party. Hopefully this incident won’t give Brown a reputation for violence. The 2014 MTV Video Music Awards were handed out last night. On last night’s show there was no nudity, no controversy and no reason to watch. The 2014 MTV Video Music Awards were handed out last night and Miley Cyrus won Video of the Year for "Wrecking Ball." In fact, the video was so good MTV said that if they still played videos that would be the one they’d play. Last night at the MTV Video Music Awards Miley Cyrus sent a homeless man to accept her Video of the Year award. It was nice to see Robin Thicke again. The series finale of True Blood was on last night. During the show’s run, the vampires sucked the life blood out of more people than marriage has. The series finale of True Blood was on last night. On last night’s finale, Sookie goes on a diet and starts drinking Blood Light. The top movie over the weekend was Guardians of the Galaxy. I was stunned to find out that until now no one was guarding the galaxy. TV’s Regis Philbin is 83 years old today. The bad news for Regis is that Chris Brown is throwing him a party. Bitman By David Evjen Bitman1@aol.com Monday, August 25th, 2014 SON OF THE BITS… Comedian Dave Chappelle turned 41 yesterday. Unfortunately, halfway through his party, he walked out. A magnitude 6.0 earthquake struck Napa, California early yesterday morning. Residents reported the ground was shaking nearly as much as Nicki Minaj’s butt at the MTV Awards. South Korea won the Little League World Series championship game with an 8-4 victory over Chicago. Unfortunately, several of the South Korean players tested positive for Bubble Yum. A professor at the Mayo Clinic now claims that sitting is more dangerous than smoking. Apparently he never lit his sofa on fire. A professor at the Mayo Clinic now claims that sitting is more treacherous than parachuting. Maybe so, but nobody ever fell 10,000 feet from a Barcalounger. Scientists now say that Neanderthals died out about 10,000 years earlier than previously thought. Try telling that to any woman who’s gone on a date lately. According to a new survey, for the second year in a row, Newark, New Jersey has been named the unfriendliest city in America. However, Chicago is demanding a recount. According to a new survey, for the second year in a row, Newark, New Jersey has been named the unfriendliest city in America. When asked to comment, Newark’s mayor said to go screw yourself. Bitman By David Evjen Bitman1@aol.com Monday, August 25th, 2014 TODAY’S BITMAN AUDIO… Today on the Bitman audio feed we have clips from Rising Star’s season finale, Big Brother, the 2014 MTV Video Music Awards, plus the series finale of True Blood. Plus more from Pamela Furr and the Bitman audio archive! It’s all at www.BitmanComedy.com Not hearing anything? TV Sound bites are available at BitmanComedy.com! If you need access to the site, contact Adrienne Munos at United Stations Radio Network at 561-381-7598 or amunos@unitedstations.com Bitman By David Evjen Bitman1@aol.com Monday, August 25th, 2014 TINSELTOWN TATTLER… Rap mogul MARION “SUGE” KNIGHT was shot six times at CHRIS BROWN’S MTV Video Music Awards pre-party early Sunday morning. Knight and two others were hit at the 1OAK club around 1:30 AM and while Suge was in critical condition, he is expected to survive. Amazingly this isn’t the first time this has happened to Knight as he was also shot at an MTV awards pre-party in Miami in 2005. Police suspect the shooting may be gang related and it’s possible that Chris Brown was the target. Word is that Brown was throwing up gang signs before the shooting and performed with a red bandana, which is a Bloods trademark. Sources also say Brown cut off his former gang member friends after his release from jail and they’re not too happy about it and tried to extort money from him. Since Brown is still on probation in the Rihanna beating case, hanging with gang members and throwing gang signs could mean even more legal trouble for him. Video of the aftermath has surfaced online, although the shooting itself apparently wasn’t captured. (See here and here) SHIA LABEOUF called 911 after some crazy lady stalker broke into his L.A. home. During the call Shia can be heard screaming at the woman, "Don't touch me!" Police arrested 31-year-old Graciela Nahle, who’d apparently been stalking Shia for some time. She pleaded no contest to trespassing and was sentenced to 45 days in jail, but was released after just four days. (Hear 911 call here) JUSTIN BIEBER is being scolded by police after he was photographed driving his Can-Am Spyder three-wheeler on the sidewalk and nearly hitting an elderly woman with a walker. The Beverly Hills Police Department says that such reckless driving is a "vehicle code violation" and a police spokesperson said, "We highly encourage Mr. Bieber to stay off the sidewalk and remain in traffic. This is incredibly unsafe. He's putting other people's safety in jeopardy." (See here) Bitman By David Evjen Bitman1@aol.com Monday, August 25th, 2014 TINSELTOWN TATTLER 2… The California Highway Patrol is investigating Jackass prankster STEVE-O over his recent SeaWorld protest. Steve-O climbed atop a freeway sign and altered it to read Sea World Sucks. Unfortunately, he made a video of the protest, which could be used as evidence should they decide to prosecute him for defacing public property. Steve-O says, "Go ahead and charge me, Sea World Sucks!" (See here) The woman who tipped off police to the whereabouts of WAR MACHINE after he allegedly beat his former girlfriend CHRISTY MACK says she heard a commotion and saw a woman run out of his motel room bloodied. Mary Casamento is the woman’s name and she won’t be keeping the $20,000 reward because she's dying of cancer and says she has enough money to last the rest of her life. Mary is instead donating the money to a Santa Clarita, California battered women's shelter. NICK CANNON is saying he’s the one who decided to bail on his marriage to MARIAH CAREY and not the other way around. Nick has supposedly told those close to him that he's deeply concerned about Mariah's emotional state and is ending the marriage for the well being of their kids, who he believes have already shown signs of emotional upset from living with Mariah. However, you won’t hear Nick say anything publicly because their lawyers hashed out a confidentiality agreement barring Nick from talking about the split. However, the deal allows Mariah to announce the breakup on her terms. JESSICA ALBA says she sent her daughter off to summer etiquette camp. Jessica says six-year-old Honor is a savage at the dinner table and she and husband Cash Warren are tired of telling her to behave better. Jessica adds, “She doesn’t have the best manners and she eats like an animal. It’s embarrassing. She gets close to the plate and she just shoves…She’s great at etiquette camp, in front of the teacher, but at home she’s like, mouth full, pinching her sister, stealing food and then, like, giving the dogs the rest.” Bitman By David Evjen Bitman1@aol.com Monday, August 25th, 2014 DATELINE HOLLYWOOD… This Weekend’s Top 10 Movies… 1. "Guardians of the Galaxy," $17.6 million 2. "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles," $16.8 million 3. "If I Stay," $16.4 million. 4. "Let's Be Cops," $11 million 5. "When the Game Stands Tall," $9.1 million. 6. "The Giver," $6.7 million 7. "The Expendables 3," $6.6 million 8. "Sin City: A Dame to Kill For," $6.5 million 9. "The Hundred-Foot Journey," $5.6 million. 10. "Into the Storm," $3.8 million CHANDRA WILSON will host the ABC special The ABC’s of SCHOOLHOUSE ROCK on September 7th. They’ll have interviews with the creators and writers of the series along with clips from the show. (See here) Actor and director SIR RICHARD ATTENBOROUGH has died at the age of 90 following a long illness. Attenborough won an Oscar for best director with Gandhi in 1982. As an actor, he may be best remembered as the failed theme park developer in Jurassic Park. Bitman By David Evjen Bitman1@aol.com Monday, August 25th, 2014 MUSIC NOTES… IGGY AZALEA tumbled off the stage during an MTV Video Music Awards benefit concert on Friday night. Iggy was performing "Fancy" at the time and security guards quickly pulled her back onto the stage and she barely missed a beat. Iggy even posted a video of the fall on Instagram with the caption: "I know I laughed." (See here) One of NICKI MINAJ'S backup dancers was reportedly bitten by a six-foot-long snake during an MTV Video Music Awards rehearsal on Friday. Fans of irony will hiss when they hear the snake is believed to be an anaconda. The dancer was taken to a hospital even though anacondas aren’t venomous, but their bites can lead to a bacterial infection. After more than three years, the dispute between the NFL and M.I.A. has been settled. The National Football League had claimed that when she flipped off the crowd during Madonna’s 2012 Super Bowl halftime show, she breached her contract and tarnished the league's reputation. No word on the terms of the settlement, but M.I.A. tweeted: “@madonna ummm…can i borrow 16 million?” The Dimensions Dance Company recently staged a flash mob at the Raising Cane restaurant in Lewisville, Texas, shaking it to TAYLOR SWIFT’S "Shake It Off." Taylor soon tweeted that she was hyperventilating with joy over it and thanked Dimensions Dance. (See here) Have you wanted to hear BRITNEY SPEARS impersonating Woody Woodpecker? Want no more! (See here) JOHN LENNON’S assassin, Mark David Chapman, was denied parole for the eighth time. Chapman killed Lennon on December 8th, 1980 and was sentenced to 20 years to life in prison the following year. Bitman By David Evjen Bitman1@aol.com Monday, August 25th, 2014 MUSIC NOTES 2… A man was shot several times backstage during WIZ KHALIFA’S concert in Mountain View, California on Friday night and later died at a local hospital. Wiz was onstage at the time and cancelled a performance scheduled for Saturday night in Chula Vista, California. LUKE BRYAN has announced the line-up for his four-day “Crash My Playa" concert next January on the Yucatan Peninsula. Luke’s guests will include FLORIDA GEORGIA LINE, COLE SWINDELL DUSTIN LYNCH and ERIC PASLAY. Get the details at CrashMyPlaya.com. HUNTER HAYES will kick off his Tattoo (Your Name) Tour on October 30th in University Park, Pennsylvania. DAN + SHAY and THE RAILERS will join Hayes FLORIDA GEORGIA LINE has been honored by having their faces carved into a cornfield maze at the Corn Dawgs adventure park in Loganville, Georgia. (See here) Their new album, Anything Goes, will be out on October 14th. Bitman By David Evjen Bitman1@aol.com Monday, August 25th, 2014 2014 MTV VMAs Winners… Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award: Beyonce Video of the Year: Miley Cyrus, "Wrecking Ball" Artist to Watch: Fifth Harmony, "Miss Movin' On" Best Rock Video: Lorde, "Royals" Best Hip-Hop Video: Drake ft. Majid Jordan, "Hold On (We're Going Home)" Best Pop Video: Ariana Grande ft. Iggy Azalea, "Problem" Best Male Video: Ed Sheeran ft. Pharrell, "Sing" Best Female Video: Katy Perry ft. Juicy J, "Dark Horse" Best Lyric Video: 5 Seconds of Summer, "Don't Stop" Best Collaboration: Beyonce ft. Jay Z, "Drunk In Love" MTV Clubland Award: Zedd ft. Hayley Williams, "Stay the Night" Best Video With a Social Message: Beyonce, "Pretty Hurts" Best Cinematography: Beyonce, "Pretty Hurts" Best Editing: Eminem, "Rap God" Best Choreography: Sia, "Chandelier" Best Direction: DJ Snake & Lil Jon, "Turn Down For What" Best Art Direction: Arcade Fire, "Reflektor" Best Visual Effects: OK Go, "The Writing's On the Wall" Bitman By David Evjen Bitman1@aol.com Monday, August 25th, 2014 TUBULAR… Daytime: GMA: TV host Kristin Cavallari; MTV's Video Music Awards highlights Today: TV host Seth Meyers; a preview of the Emmy Awards Kelly & Michael: Anna Paquin (``True Blood'') The View: LeAnn Rimes and actor Eddie Cibrian (R) The Talk: Howie Mandel (R) Queen Latifah: Halle Berry; Amber Riley performs (R) Ellen: Seth Meyers (R) Primetime: ABC: On Bachelor in Paradise, after being turned down by Clare, Cody gives his date card to his friend Marcus; new bachelor Kalon asks Michelle on a date but ends up going out alone; Jesse seems to win over newcomer Jackie Fox: Master Chef’s top 7 compete; plus Hotel Hell helps Vermont’s Four Seasons Inn NBC: Seth Meyers hosts the Primetime Emmy Awards ESPN: Baseball with the Yankees at Royals Late Night: Jimmy Kimmel: Actor John Stamos; OK Go performs. (R) David Letterman: Lyle Lovett performs Jimmy Fallon: Actress Julia Roberts (R) Craig Ferguson: L.P. performs (R) Seth Meyers: Joan Rivers; Rixton performs. (R) Conan: Actors Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill; Grouplove performs (R) Bitman Bitman By David By David Evjen Evjen Bitman1@aol.com Bitman1@aol.com Friday, Monday, May 29th, August 25th,2009 2014 THE WATERCOOLER… A 6.0 earthquake struck Napa, California early yesterday morning, injuring more than 150 people and damaging historic buildings. The quake was the largest to hit the Napa Valley region near San Francisco since the so-called World Series earthquake of 1989. Some were without water and power, but there were no reports of fatalities. If you’re feeling stressed out, it may not be a bad thing. Researchers now say that some stress is actually good for you. They’re talking about the type of stress you might feel before speaking in public. Scientists say that our abilities peak under moderate levels of stress and it’s actually good for us as long as it doesn't go on too long. A recent study found that some amounts of stress are good to push you just to the level of optimal alertness, behavioral and cognitive performance. They also note that we’re more likely to remember something if it was accompanied by some level of stress. According to a new book called Proof: the Science of Booze, the old “hair of the dog” adage could be true when battling a hangover. Author Adam Rogers says that while the most widely-held view is that hangovers are caused by dehydration, it could actually be due to very, very small amounts of methanol. He says that if a hangover is methanol toxicity, having another drink will cause ethanol to replace the methanol off the enzyme and you’ll feel better. However, he admits that it’s just a hypothesis and no one has proven it. Health officials have said you can lessen your chances of getting a hangover in the first place by not drinking on an empty stomach, avoiding dark-colored alcohols that have more impurities and drinking a pint of water before bed. Bitman Bitman By David By David Evjen Evjen Bitman1@aol.com Bitman1@aol.com Friday, Monday, May 29th, August 25th,2009 2014 THE WATERCOOLER 2… According to the Condé Nast Traveler 2014 Readers’ Choice survey, Newark, New Jersey is the unfriendliest city in the U.S. It’s the second year in a row Newark has won the dishonor and also for the second year in a row Oakland, California came in second. Three other California cities placed in the top 10 with Los Angeles at No. 7, Anaheim in ninth and Sacramento rounding out the top 10. Again, for the second year in a row, Charleston, South Carolina was named the friendliest city. Dr. James Levine is a professor of medicine at the Mayo Clinic and he’s written a book called Get Up! Why Your Chair is Killing You and What You Can Do About It. Dr. Levine says, "Sitting is more dangerous than smoking, kills more people than HIV and is more treacherous than parachuting. We are sitting ourselves to death." The doctor suggests using high desks that keep you on your feet, adding that workplaces in which people stand and move about have more productive workforces and, when used in schools, kid's grades improve 10% to 15%. However, critics argue that standing at your desk all day has its own negative health implications, such as sore backs, feet and varicose veins. According to studies in China and Iran, too much fluoride can damage our teeth and weaken our bones and appears to be linked to a reduction in children's IQs. Closer to home, the study is troublesome for states like Maine, which gets its drinking water from private wells and isn't held to federal or state standards. In a sampling of Maine's towns, wells in about 10 communities were shown to contain risky amounts of fluoride, sometimes more than twice the EPA's limit. They say the fluoride levels are boosted by the granite under the state, which is packed with the chemical. An expert suggests residents should have their water tested and if there's too much fluoride, to install a reverse osmosis system. Bitman By David Evjen Bitman1@aol.com Monday, August 25th, 2014 SPORTS SHIRT… St. Louis Rams quarterback Sam Bradford has torn the ACL in his surgically repaired left knee and is out for the season. Bradford suffered the injury on the opening drive of Saturday night's preseason game against the Cleveland Browns. It’s the same injury to the same knee that cut short his 2013 season. Denver Broncos kicker Matt Prater has been suspended for the first four games of the 2014 NFL season after violating the league's substance abuse policy. Prater was prohibited from drinking alcohol since being charged with DUI three seasons ago. Prater reportedly had a couple beers at home while he was on vacation. South Korea won the Little League World Series championship game with an 8-4 victory over Chicago. Scott Dixon won the Indy Car race at Sonoma yesterday. It was his 35th win on the circuit, tying him with Bobby Unser for fifth all time on the career victories list. The season finale takes place at Fontana on Saturday. Red Bull driver Daniel Ricciardo beat Nico Rosberg to win the Belgian Grand Prix. Rosberg extended his championship lead over Mercedes teammate Lewis Hamilton after clipping him during a pass and puncturing Hamilton’s left tire. Hunter Mahan reeled off three straight birdies late in the final round to win The Barclays. The victory was the sixth of his career and ended a drought of more than two years without a title on the PGA Tour. So Yeon Ryu won the Canadian Women's Open yesterday, breaking the tournament record by finishing at 23-under 265. Fellow South Korean player Na Yeon Choi was two strokes back. Bitman By David Evjen Bitman1@aol.com Monday, August 25th, 2014 Scoreboard MLB: American League N.Y. Yankees 7 Chi. White Sox 4 Final 10 Cleveland 3 Houston 1 Final Tampa Bay 2 Toronto 1 Final 10 Seattle 8 Boston 6 Final Detroit 13 Minnesota 4 Final Texas 3 Kansas City 1 Final L.A. Angels 9 Oakland 4 Final National League Cincinnati 5 Atlanta 3 Final Washington 14 San Francisco 6 Final Philadelphia 7 St. Louis 1 Final Milwaukee 4 Pittsburgh 3 Final San Diego 7 Arizona 4 Final N.Y. Mets 11 L.A. Dodgers 3 Final Colorado 7 Miami 4 Final Interleague Chi. Cubs 2 Baltimore 1 Final NFL: San Francisco 21 San Diego 7 Final Cincinnati 19 Arizona 13 Final Today’s Games MLB: American League Tampa Bay at Baltimore (7:05 PM) Boston at Toronto (7:07 PM) N.Y. Yankees at Kansas City (7:10 PM) Oakland at Houston (8:10 PM) Texas at Seattle (10:10 PM) National League Washington at Philadelphia (7:05 PM) St. Louis at Pittsburgh (7:05 PM) Milwaukee at San Diego (10:10 PM) Colorado at San Francisco (10:15 PM) Interleague Miami at L.A. Angels (10:05 PM) Bitman By David Evjen Bitman1@aol.com Monday, August 25th, 2014 DUH… West Columbia, South Carolina police responded to a call about a driver asleep behind the wheel in the middle of the street last Tuesday afternoon. Officers arrived to find Deputy Coroner Barry Wright snoozing in his SUV with a 24oz can of Icehouse beer in the cup holder. Officers noted that when Barry got out of the vehicle he was unsteady on his feet, had slurred speech and an odor of alcohol emanating from his person. When asked about the open beer, Barry told officers, "I thought I was at the house." He went on to say he bought the beer on his way home, but "didn't know how it was opened." As he was being arrested, Barry told officers that his beer didn’t need to be thrown away because it was "from a death scene yesterday." Barry has plenty of time to sleep as he resigned from his job. Merced, California’s Tonya Whitney was arrested for trespassing at a local hospital while carrying life-like dolls. Tonya says she wasn’t trying to impersonate a nurse and never tried to steal a baby, despite the fact that she was wearing hospital scrubs and twice tried to enter the maternity ward. Tonya claims she was wearing scrubs because she’s gained weight and that’s all she had that would fit and that an ER nurse told her it'd be a good idea to show the dolls to the staff in the maternity ward. As you might guess, police believe Whitney was trying to impersonate a nurse and trying to steal a baby and aren't buying her story. Atlantic, Iowa’s Leatha Kaye Slauson appealed to the community for help when she learned her 5-year-old daughter Riley had terminal cancer. A flood of support followed as fund-raising events helped pay for a trip to Disney World and to ease the family’s financial burden. As Riley prepared to enter kindergarten, the school looked into setting up a program for Riley and contacted medical authorities. It was soon discovered that Riley wasn’t sick and she and her four siblings are now in their father’s custody, while Leatha is in police custody. In addition to fraud charges, Leatha is also looking at drug counts as Riley tested positive for cannabis. Bitman By David Evjen Bitman1@aol.com Monday, August 25th, 2014 MO’ DUH… You may recall the July 2013 fire on Oregon’s Warm Springs Indian Reservation. The fire scorched 51,000 acres, cost $7 million and wasn’t extinguished until September. Two days after it started, Sadie Renee Johnson posted on her Facebook page: "like my fire?" As you might guess, this greatly aided investigators and Sadie admitted to starting the fire, saying she did it because some firefighters she knew were bored. Sadie now faces up to five years of being bored in prison. When driving on a suspended license, one should obey all traffic laws so as to not call attention to oneself. That would’ve been a valuable pro tip for Bethlehem, Pennsylvania’s 66-year-old Ramon Rivera-Rios, who made an illegal U-turn. Ramon might’ve gotten away with it had 26-year-old Patrick M. Williams not plowed into him while doing so. Of course, Patrick might’ve easily avoided the errant Ramon had he been sober. When police sorted out the mess, Patrick was charged with DUI and Ramon with driving on a suspended license and an illegal U Sanford, Florida’s Paul Senzee walked around a local Wal-Mart with a hole in his shoe. While this is nothing unusual, Senzee had a camera lens strategically positioned at the hole in his shoe and thought no one would notice as he followed Lillie Kent around, standing close behind her and extending his right foot toward her skirt multiple times. Senzee thought wrong as Lillie confronted him at the checkout line and demanded to see his shoes. He refused and walked away, but was detained by a fellow shopper and police found the camera and made the arrest. A German man, identified only as Herbert O, has been boasting about the size of his manhood. In a rare twist, Herbert is telling the world about how small he is. It seems a teenage girl has accused Herbert of exposing himself, but he claims he’s insufficiently endowed to cause such an offense and has even called on his wife to testify in court to his lack of stature. When Herbert’s lawyer offered to have his client display exhibit ‘A’ for the judge, she declined and instead ordered it to be measured by the coroners' office. Bitman By David Evjen Bitman1@aol.com Monday, August 25th 2014 HISTORY LESSON… 1609: Galileo Galilei demonstrated his first telescope in Venice. 1718: The city of New Orleans was founded 1916: The National Park Service was established 1944: Paris was liberated from the German army during World War 2 1946: Ben Hogan won his first major golf title at the PGA in Portland, Oregon 1970: Elton John made his U.S. concert debut at L.A.'s Troubadour, opening for David Ackles 1973: Bobby Darin gave his last concert at the Las Vegas Hilton 1994: Billy Joel and Christie Brinkley divorced 1998: A survey found that one-third of Americans used the Internet. 2001: Singer Aaliyah was killed in a plane crash in the Bahamas 2011: The New York Yankees set a major league record by hitting three grand slams in one game Birthday Partiers: TV’s Monty Hall (Let's Make a Deal) 91 actor Sean Connery (James Bond, Indiana Jones, The Rock) 84 TV’s Regis Philbin 83 musician Gene Simmons (Kiss) 65 musician Elvis Costello 59 director Tim Burton (Mars Attacks, Edward Scissorhands, Alice in Wonderland) 56 singer/actor Billy Ray Cyrus 53 TV chef Rachel Ray 46 singer Jo Dee Messina 44 actor Alexander Skarsgard (True Blood, Battleship, Straw Dogs) 38 actress Rachel Bilson (The O.C., Jumper, Hart of Dixie) 33 actress Blake Lively (Gossip Girl, Savages, Green Lantern) 27