Bitman
By David Evjen
Bitman1@aol.com
Monday,
August 11th, 2014
THE BITS…
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie was number-one this weekend. I took my
mom to see it, but she kept interrupting to ask me which one was Batman.
Kate Upton says the New York Yankees recently told her not to wear a Detroit
Tigers cap when she went to the ballpark. If I was going to tell Kate not to wear an
item of apparel, it would be a bra.
Kim Kardashian is going to publish a book of her selfies that’ll cost $19.95. The
book will be great for Kim’s fans that have never seen any of her selfies for free
online, on Twitter or on Instagram.
Actor Steven Seagal played a concert over the weekend for the pro-Russia
separatists that shot down the Malaysian airliner. It’s nice to see them finally get
the punishment they deserve.
President Obama played golf on Martha's Vineyard over the weekend. Meanwhile,
Republicans have subpoenaed his caddy.
A New York wine dealer has been sentenced to 10 years in prison for defrauding
rich clients by selling bottles of cheap wine that he passed off as being rare. The
rich people got suspicious when they noticed the wines were in a box with a spigot.
A New York wine dealer has been sentenced to 10 years in prison for defrauding
rich clients by selling bottles of cheap wine that he passed off as being rare. While
in prison he’s expected to be paired with beef.
British officials have issues a health warning about the dangers of inhaling socalled "laughing gas." Officials say it’s no laughing matter.
Bitman
By David Evjen
Bitman1@aol.com
Monday,
August 11th, 2014
SON OF THE BITS…
A school for prospective adult male film stars has opened in Canada. The school
says they’re hoping to find up and coming stars.
A school for prospective adult male film stars has opened in Canada. They say the
requirements for entrance are pretty rigid.
A Google Street View car going the wrong direction on a one-way street in Little
Rock, Arkansas crashed into another vehicle. The bad news is the other driver is
now Googling lawyers.
A Google Street View car going the wrong direction on a one-way street in Little
Rock, Arkansas crashed into another vehicle. Even worse, they caught the driver
using Yahoo to find a body shop.
A Houston man has been arrested for allegedly humping a driveway. Of course, the
real trouble for him will be when the sidewalk finds out he’s been cheating on it.
A Houston man has been arrested for allegedly humping a driveway. Even worse,
doctors say he’s developed a case of road rash.
Researchers now say that women are less likely to enjoy sex than men. Apparently
the researchers have never heard of Madonna.
A new study says that drinking too much in middle age leads to memory loss.
Apparently people really do drink to forget.
A new study says that drinking too much in middle age leads to memory loss. I
was so stunned when I heard that, I, um, what was I saying?
Bitman
By David Evjen
Bitman1@aol.com
Monday,
August 11th, 2014
TODAY’S BITMAN AUDIO…
Today on the Bitman audio feed we have clips from Rising Star, the
Teen Choice Awards and True Blood.
Plus more from Pamela Furr and the Bitman audio archive! It’s all at
www.BitmanComedy.com
Not hearing anything? TV Sound bites are available at
BitmanComedy.com! If you need access to the site, contact Adrienne
Munos at United Stations Radio Network at 561-381-7598 or
amunos@unitedstations.com
Bitman
By David Evjen
Bitman1@aol.com
Monday,
August 11th, 2014
TINSELTOWN TATTLER…
Rumors have been going around that BEYONCE and JAY Z could be on the verge
of divorce, but were all those stories just planted to boost ticket sales for their
current tour? Tens of thousands of seats were still unsold in June. Then there was
that elevator fight with Solange and the rumors began and since then the tour has
been getting plenty of publicity and ticket sales have increased.
Rumors of a rift between WHOOPI GOLDBERG and BARBARA WALTERS are
being denied by ABC. A story claimed that after a test shoot of The View with
potential new co-hosts, Whoopi slammed Barbara by saying she's been working
with a cranky 85-year-old woman who's mad about everything for two years and
she needed a break. However, the network issued a statement saying, "This is
absolutely absurd. Whoopi is a consummate professional and has an enormous
amount of respect for Barbara with whom she has a professional and personal
relationship. Unless you were there and heard it first hand, this is nothing more
than mean and hurtful rumor."
A source now says that CHARLIZE THERON is not trying to get TIA MOWRY
banned from L.A.’s Soul Cycle gym. The rumor started when Tia tweeted that
Charlize rolled her eyes at her when she said ‘Hi’ to Theron at the gym and that
she was mean to her. As for Tia, she says, "I do not know Charlize. I absolutely
love her, she's my 'woman crush Wednesday,' you can even see it on my
Instagram…it was definitely blown out of proportion."
DAVID DUCHOVNY and TEA LEONI have made it official by finalizing their
divorce. They split back in 2008, when Duchovny underwent therapy for sex
addiction. However, they reunited and split several more times over the last few
years, and were recently rumored to be giving the marriage another shot.
Bitman
By David Evjen
Bitman1@aol.com
Monday,
August 11th, 2014
TINSELTOWN TATTLER 2…
Three former Neverland maids are now claiming that MICHAEL JACKSON used
to pee all over the house. One maid said that when nature called, Michael would
just unzip and relieve himself. Another maid says Jackson would track in animal
poop from outside and then threaten to throw it at the help. The maids also say
Jackson was a slob and that his bedroom was strewn with food and empty wine and
whiskey bottles and that it was infested with bedbugs. One maid also said that
when Michael would see pictures of the Jackson 5 in magazines he’d send
someone out to buy as many copies as they could and then he'd shred them saying,
"Yuck, they don't deserve to have my name. They are gutless moochers. I'm the
only star. They should be cleaning my shoes."
An MMA fighter that calls himself WAR MACHINE is wanted by Las Vegas
police in connection with a severe beating that landed his porn star girlfriend
CHRISTY MACK and another person in the hospital. It’s reported that Christy can
barely speak due to her injuries. Mr. Machine later tweeted: "@ChristyMack I love
you and hope you're okay. I came him(sp) early to surprise you and help you set up
for your convention. I can't believe what I found and can't believe what happened."
DWAYNE JOHNSON'S mom and cousin, WWE Diva Savelina "Lina" Fanene,
were in a serious car accident when a drunk driver hit them head on. Johnson
posted a picture of the crash on Instagram yesterday. Johnson’s family survived
and there’s no word on the status of the drunk driver, although his condition could
be downgraded as The Rock also posted the statement: "First reaction is to find the
person who did this and do unrelenting harm to them."
ADAM LEVINE tried the old ‘ran out of gas’ trick with model Behati Prinsloo. Of
course, they’re married and his classic Mercedes really did run out of gas on L.A.’s
Sunset Boulevard on a date night last week. The couple had to wait by the car until
a friend brought a can of gas. Word is that Levine seemed upset when passersby
started noticing him.
Bitman
By David Evjen
Bitman1@aol.com
Monday,
August 11th, 2014
DATELINE HOLLYWOOD…
This Weekend’s Top 10 Movies…
1. "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles," $65 million
2. "Guardians of the Galaxy," $41.5 million
3. "Into the Storm," $18 million
4. "The Hundred-Foot Journey," $11.1 million.
5. "Lucy," $9.3 million
6. "Step Up All In," $6.5 million
7. "Hercules," $5.7 million
8. "Get on Up," $5 million.
9. "Dawn of the Planet of the Apes," $4.4 million
10. "Planes: Fire & Rescue," $2.4 million
GEENA DAVIS will guest star on GREY'S ANATOMY. Davis will have a multiepisode run, but there’s no word yet on what character she’ll play or when she’ll
make her debut.
ABC has canceled BLACK BOX. In case you missed the show, and apparently
you did, it starred KELLY REILLY as a sex-crazed bipolar genius neurologist.
What turned out to be the season finale aired July 24th.
The AMERICAN IDOL auditions are underway and during their Nashville stop,
one hopeful asked JENNIFER LOPEZ to slow dance with him. J.Lo obliged while
he serenaded her with Sam Smith's "Stay with Me," as KEITH URBAN and
HARRY CONNICK JR. played guitar and piano. (See here)
Bitman
By David Evjen
Bitman1@aol.com
Monday,
August 11th, 2014
MUSIC NOTES…
THE KINGS OF LEON had to postpone last night’s show in Saratoga Springs,
New York after drummer Nathan Followill was injured on their tour bus. Followill
broke several ribs when a pedestrian jumped in front of their bus, causing the
driver to slam on the brakes.
COLDPLAY’S CHRIS MARTIN says he’s hoping to work with RIHANNA again
following her appearance on “Princess of China” from their Mylo Xyloto album.
During a recent interview Martin said he’s been working in the studio on new
material for Rihanna saying, “I don’t think she even asked, I just said, ‘please can I
try something?’” Martin also says Coldplay is already working on new material
following the release of Ghost Stories in May. (See interview here)
MORRISSEY has been dropped by Harvest Records less than a month after they
released his album, World Peace Is None Of Your Business. Morrissey blasted the
label for not releasing a video for the title cut while praising several fan videos.
PAUL REVERE has announced that due to recent health issues, he’ll stop
performing. However, his son Jamie will re-join the band, which will tour as Paul
Revere's Raiders.
ARIANA GRANDE wants you to know she disapproves of the grammatical errors
in the lyrics of her song “Break Free.” In fact, Ariana initially refused to sing lines
such as “Now that I’ve become who I really are.” Ariana finally gave in and says,
“I need to shake it off and let it go and be a little less rigid and old. I’m, like, 90. I
need to not be that old.”
DANITY KANE has announced that they've broken up again following the studio
fisticuffs between Dawn Richard and Aubrey O'Day. Word is that Dawn got
steamed when she found out Aubrey and Shannon Bex were meeting behind her
back and recording tracks without her.
Bitman
By David Evjen
Bitman1@aol.com
Monday,
August 11th, 2014
MUSIC NOTES 2…
In case you missed it, TAYLOR SWIFT appeared on The Tonight Show as a girl
named Natalie, who delivered a video message to Sara, the teenage girl host of the
talk show "Eww," played by Jimmy Fallon. (See here) Taylor will appear on the
show as herself Wednesday night, perhaps with news of new music on the way.
TIM MCGRAW has settled up with the woman he slapped during an Atlanta
concert last month after she grabbed onto his jeans and ripped them during a song.
The woman’s lawyer said matters were resolved with a simple conversation,
although he didn’t say whether any money changed hands.
TRISHA YEARWOOD will be on the cover of the September issue of Woman’s
Day magazine. Inside, Trisha talks about life with GARTH BROOKS and the kids.
The magazine will be out tomorrow.
ROSANNE CASH will receive the Performing Arts award at the third annual
Smithsonian Magazine American Ingenuity Awards. The awards ceremony will be
held October 16th in Washington, D.C.
Bitman
By David Evjen
Bitman1@aol.com
Monday,
August 11th, 2014
TUBULAR…
Daytime:
GMA: Mel Gibson, Wesley Snipes, Terry Crews and Arnold Schwarzenegger
(``The Expendables 3'')
Today: Maddie & Tae perform
Kelly & Michael: Ethan Hawke (``Boyhood''); Elisabeth Moss (``The One I
Love''); co-host Brooklyn Decker
The View: Guest co-host Arsenio Hall; Sherri Shepherd's final appearance
The Talk: Comic Kathy Griffin
Queen Latifah: Actress Scarlett Johansson (R)
Ellen: Kunal Nayyar (``The Big Bang Theory''); chef Wolfgang Puck (R)
Primetime:
ABC: Two new bachelors arrive on Bachelor in Paradise
Fox: Master Chef contestants create menus of healthy football game concessions;
plus Hotel Hell helps the Hotel Chester in Starkville, Mississippi
NBC: Channing Tatum is the guest on Running Wild with Bear Grylls; plus
American Ninja Warrior airs a best of episode
ESPN: Baseball with the Dodgers at Braves
Late Night:
Jimmy Kimmel: Chef Gordon Ramsay; Bobcat Goldthwait; Common performs (R)
David Letterman: Dana Carvey; actress Ellie Kemper; Sam Smith performs (R)
Jimmy Fallon: Katie Holmes; OneRepublic performs
Craig Ferguson: Comic Jim Gaffigan (R)
Seth Meyers: Jeff Bridges; Strand of Oaks performs
Conan: Will Arnett; Benjamin Booker performs
Bitman
Bitman
By
David
By David Evjen
Evjen
Bitman1@aol.com
Bitman1@aol.com
Friday,
Monday,
May 29th,
August
11th,2009
2014
THE WATERCOOLER…
Are you living in a corrupt state? Well, we probably all are, but a new Main Street
survey of the most corrupt states in the United States puts Mississippi at the top of
the list. They found that states with the most public spending had the most
corruption, likely because the spending presents an opportunity for bribery. The
rest of the top 10 corrupt states were: Louisiana, Tennessee, Illinois, Pennsylvania,
Alabama, Alaska, South Dakota, Kentucky and Florida.
What do you say when you’re pausing to find just the right word? It often depends
on whether you’re male or female. Researchers say that men are more likely to say
"uh," while for women it’s "um." They also found that women do this more than
men. Specifically, they found that women say "um" 22 percent more than men do,
while men say "uh" more than twice as often as women do. They also say young
men speak like old women in that the rate of 'um' usage for the younger men is
almost the same as the rate of 'um' usage for the older women.
Researchers have found that the shape of a man's face may be a factor in his
business success. A new study finds that those who have a higher ratio of face
width to face height negotiated signing bonuses that were approximately $2,200
larger than those with narrower faces. The researchers also found that wide-faced
men were much better at negotiating business deals for themselves. In the study,
those with wider faces negotiated significantly higher sale prices when on the
seller's side and significantly lower prices when acting as the buyer. In what may
explain it, men with wider faces are generally associated with increased levels of
testosterone, which can make them feel more powerful and dominant. However,
the downside is that the wide-faced men performed worse than narrow-faced men
when working with others or when compromise was key to closing a deal. A
previous study found that men with wider faces were more likely act to immorally
at work, were more likely to "explicitly deceive their counterparts in a negotiation"
and were "more willing to cheat in order to increase their financial gain."
Bitman
Bitman
By
David
By David Evjen
Evjen
Bitman1@aol.com
Bitman1@aol.com
Friday,
Monday,
May 29th,
August
11th,2009
2014
THE WATERCOOLER 2…
What are you doing on Tuesdays from 10 a.m. to noon? While many people are
working, running errands or taking care of the kids, others are sexting! A new
survey from computer-tracking software company Retina-X found that was the
most popular time for sexting. They also found that iPhone users are more likely to
do it than Android users.
You’ve heard of the School of Rock, but now in Quebec City, Canada they have a
school of porn! A Canadian adult film company has started offering a one-day
training course about the porn business for prospective male actors. The $149 class
lets students talk to current actors and actresses, and see and try different sexual
positions first-hand, albeit in their underwear. The studio got the idea for the class
when one of their new actors got "gun shy" on the set. Producer Nicola Lafleur
said, "He was nervous, and under a lot of pressure. Perhaps if our course had been
around he would have felt more comfortable." Fifty men applied to be in the
inaugural class, but only nine made the cut, perhaps because in their application
they had to submit a picture of themselves in an aroused state.
The people who gave us, or perhaps subjected us, to Rebecca Black’s Friday are
back with a new musical morsel that’s every bit as good. It’s called "Cupcakes"
and it’s by Gina Naomi Baez. (See here)
Bitman
By David Evjen
Bitman1@aol.com
Monday,
August 11th, 2014
SPORTS SHIRT…
NASCAR driver Tony Stewart withdrew from yesterday’s race at Watkins Glen
following an incident Saturday night in which his race car struck and killed a
fellow driver. Stewart and Kevin Ward Jr. tangled in a dirt track race and Ward got
out of his car to gesture at Stewart as he drove by under caution when he was
struck and thrown about 50 feet down the track. (See here – careful of language)
A.J. Allmendinger held off Marcos Ambrose to win the NASCAR race at Watkins
Glen. It was the first career Sprint Cup win for Allmendinger and his car’s coowner, former basketball star Brad Daugherty.
The Detroit Tigers say that both Anibal Sanchez and Joakim Soria are going on the
DL. Sanchez will miss 3-4 weeks with a strain of his right pectoral major muscle
while Soria has a left oblique injury.
Rory McIlroy held off Rickie Fowler, Phil Mickelson and Henrik Stenson to win
the PGA Championship after rain delayed the start of the final round.
Mirim Lee birdied the second hole of a playoff with fellow South Korean Inbee
Park to win the Meijer LPGA Classic. It was Lee’s first LPGA Tour victory.
Michelle Wie will miss the next three to five weeks due to an injury to her right
index finger. Wie will miss the Wegmans LPGA Championship, along with the
Canadian Pacific Women's Open and the Portland Classic.
Jo-Wilfried Tsonga upset No. 3 Roger Federer to win his second ATP Masters
1000 title at the Rogers Cup in Toronto. On the women’s side, Agnieszka
Radwanska downed Venus Williams for the win.
Bitman
By David Evjen
Bitman1@aol.com
Monday,
August 11th, 2014
Scoreboard
MLB:
American League
Cleveland 4 N.Y. Yankees 1 Final
Toronto 6 Detroit 5 Final 19
Texas 6 Houston 2 Final
Boston 3 L.A. Angels 1 Final
Minnesota 6 Oakland 1 Final
Seattle 4 Chi. White Sox 2 Final
National League
Cincinnati 7 Miami 2 Final
Philadelphia 7 N.Y. Mets 6 Final
San Diego 8 Pittsburgh 2 Final
L.A. Dodgers 5 Milwaukee 1 Final
Colorado 5 Arizona 3 Final 10
Atlanta 3 Washington 1 Final
Interleague
St. Louis 8 Baltimore 3 Final
Kansas City 7 San Francisco 4 Final
Chi. Cubs 3 Tampa Bay 2 Final 12
Today’s Games
MLB:
American League
N.Y. Yankees at Baltimore (7:05 PM)
Tampa Bay at Texas (8:05 PM)
Oakland at Kansas City (8:10 PM)
Minnesota at Houston (8:10 PM)
Toronto at Seattle (10:10 PM)
National League
N.Y. Mets at Philadelphia (1:05 PM)
L.A. Dodgers at Atlanta (7:10 PM)
St. Louis at Miami (7:10 PM)
Milwaukee at Chi. Cubs (8:05 PM)
Colorado at San Diego (10:10 PM)
Interleague
Detroit at Pittsburgh (7:05 PM)
Bitman
By David Evjen
Bitman1@aol.com
Monday,
August 11th, 2014
DUH…
On today’s episode of Weeds, Port Charlotte, Florida’s 71-year-old Patrick
Botelho approached his neighbor’s gardener and inquired as to why he wasn’t
trimming the weeds from the flower beds. When the gardener told Patrick he
wasn't hired to do that, he became upset and said that the weeds were invading his
property and he’d better clean them out. When the gardener refused, Patrick tried
to pull him off his lawnmower and then choked him. Patrick was weeded out of his
home and taken to jail on charges of felony battery.
The Union of Medical Marijuana Patients has filed a lawsuit against the city of San
Diego for restricting legal pot dispensaries to certain areas. The lawsuit claims the
law will force patients to drive to get their weed, thereby causing pollution and
traffic. The group also alleges that some patients will be forced to grow their own
marijuana indoors, which will waste energy and contribute to global warming.
An unnamed Boca Raton, Florida man took his date to the beach, accompanied by
his friend, Daniel Eisemann. When they got to the beach, Daniel went on his way
and the man and his date began making until a purse snatcher ran off with her bag
containing a cell phone and a wallet with $500 cash. Like a true gentleman, her
date ran after the man. Unfortunately, he never returned. The woman contacted
police, who spotted her date's car parked outside a motel. Inside was her date with
the purse snatcher, who turned out to be Daniel. He told police he knew taking the
purse was wrong, but that he didn't take anything from it. Police recovered the
purse, which he’d thrown away, with everything inside except the cash, which
would’ve come in handy for Daniel’s bail.
Britain’s advertising watchdog agency has banned a hamburger commercial from
television. No, not because it features Paris Hilton in a skimpy swimsuit. The ad
shows a girl talking to her mom and removing the lettuce, onion and tomato from
her burger as she prepares to dig in. In banning the ad, the watchdog group said the
commercial promoted "poor nutritional habits" and an "unhealthy lifestyle."
Bitman
By David Evjen
Bitman1@aol.com
Monday,
August 11th, 2014
MO’ DUH…
Racine, Wisconsin’s 15-year-old Tommy Canady has been charged with the
murder of 19-year-old Semar McClain. A witness says the two were discussing
trading and/or selling guns to one another when the deal apparently turned deadly.
Not only did police find the murder weapon at Tommy’s home, they discovered a
rap video he uploaded to Sound Cloud in which he’s seen holding the same gun
while rapping about committing the murder.
Warner Robins, Georgia’s Ramsey McDonald has been suspended from Miller
Elementary School after he brought a gun to class. The suspension was handed
down despite the fact that Ramsey’s teacher instructed student to bring their
favorite toy to school for show and tell. In Ramsey’s case, that favorite toy was a
Nerf gun. Ramsey’s dad said, "He told me he didn't know they would think it was a
weapon or he wouldn't have brought it to school."
A German teenager dropped his iPhone into a pond during a fishing trip with
members of an angling club. When his fellow fishermen wouldn’t allow him to
dive into the pond to try and retrieve his phone, he came up with an alternate plan.
Instead of buying a new phone, the kid returned later with a pump and two water
hoses in an attempt to drain the pond. Unfortunately, he placed the hoses in a
nearby toilet, which backed up and flooded a parking lot. In addition to buying a
new phone, the kid now has to pay for damage to the toilet and the clean up.
Casper, Wyoming’s 36-year-old Christopher Edwards was arrested for sitting on a
park bench. While that isn’t usually illegal, it seems that Edwards was completely
naked, covered in baby oil and pleasuring himself while watching porn on his cell
phone. Edwards ignored requests to stop and police arrived to find him hastily
putting on his pants. It could be tough for Edwards to beat the rap as officers found
an open bottle of baby oil and porn still playing on his dropped cell phone and the
outline of his body on the bench stained with baby oil and possibly bodily fluids.
Bitman
By David Evjen
Bitman1@aol.com
Monday,
August 11th 2014
HISTORY LESSON…
1896: Harvey Hubbell received a patent for the electric light bulb socket with a
pull-chain.
1934: The first federal prisoners arrived at Alcatraz
1951: The Brooklyn Dodgers defeated the Boston Braves 8-1 in the first major
league baseball game to be televised in color
1964: The Beatles' movie A Hard Day's Night premiered in New York.
1965: Rioting and looting broke out in the Watts section of Los Angeles
1965: The Beatles' movie Help! opened in New York
1966: The first Chevy Camaro drove off the assembly line
1972: Elvis and Priscilla Presley filed for divorce
1984: President Reagan did a microphone test by announcing Russia had been
outlawed forever and the bombing would start in five minutes. Unfortunately, it
went out over the air and the Soviets were not amused.
1992: America's largest shopping center, The Mall of America, opened in
Minnesota
2002: Jason Priestly crashed his race car at Kentucky Speedway and suffered a
spinal fracture, concussion, broken nose, facial lacerations and broken bones in
both feet.
Birthday Partiers:
singer Eric Carmen 65
wrestler Hulk Hogan 61
singer Joe Jackson 59
actor Chris Hemsworth (Star Trek Into Darkness, Red Dawn, The Avengers) 31