Bitman By David Evjen Bitman1@aol.com Thursday, January 22nd, 2015 THE BITS… Lindsay Lohan contracted a rare virus after being bitten by a mosquito in BoraBora. Lindsay came down with a high fever and joint pain and the mosquito suffered dizziness and blurred vision. Lindsay Lohan had to be hospitalized after contracting a rare and incurable virus called chikungunya. Coincidentally, they’re now serving chicken gunya at KFC. Judd Apatow is guest hosting the Late, Late Show tonight. However, CBS first had to clear it with North Korea. Bruce Jenner is reportedly going to address his changing appearance on an episode of Keeping up with the Kardashians. Bruce says he’s looking forward to addressing the rumors as soon as Kim helps him pick out a dress to wear. Another series of Live Earth concerts will be held this year. Fans and performers will draw attention to global warming by burning fossil fuels to attend concerts being held around the world. The New York Yankees’ Alex Rodriguez is reportedly training with baseball’s home run king Barry Bonds. Bonds is working with A-Rod on his hitting, his fielding and his injecting. President Obama's State of the Union address drew the second-lowest television viewership in 15 years. In fact, viewership was so low that instead of trying to impeach him, Republicans are trying to get the networks to cancel him. Mitt Romney says that if he runs for president again he’ll make it his priority to end poverty. Mitt says he plans to end poverty by writing everyone a personal check for a million dollars. Bitman By David Evjen Bitman1@aol.com Thursday, January 22nd, 2015 SON OF THE BITS… On this date in 1951 future Cuban dictator Fidel Castro was ejected from a Winter League baseball game after hitting a batter with a pitch. They also accused Castro of scuffing baseballs with his beard. It’s reported that people are now getting married at Starbucks. Starbucks weddings are a little different. Couples getting married at Starbucks promise to love honor, and leave room for the cream. It’s reported that people are now getting married at Starbucks. Starbucks weddings are for the types of people who think it’s tacky to get married at Dunkin’ Donuts. eBay has announced that it plans to reduce its global workforce by 2,400 employees. eBay employees still gave them an AAA+++ and said they would be furloughed by them again. American Express says it plans to cut more than 4,000 jobs this year. In fact, American Express is changing their slogan from ‘Don’t leave home without it’ to just ‘Don’t leave home.’ Archeologists in Gibraltar say they’ve found evidence of Neanderthal art. Coincidentally, my sister once dated some creep she called Neanderthal Art. Archeologists in Gibraltar say they’ve found evidence of Neanderthal art. They could tell it was Neanderthal art because the painting on a cave wall was of wooly mammoths playing poker. The long-time CEO and chairman of the Tootsie Roll company has died. He was 95 years old, which is also how long it takes to eat a Tootsie Roll. Bitman By David Evjen Bitman1@aol.com Thursday, January 22nd, 2015 TODAY’S AUDIO… Today on the Bitman audio feed we have clips from American Idol and a late night round up with Dave, The Jimmys, Seth, Conan and the Late, Late Show. It’s all at www.BitmanComedy.com Not hearing anything? TV Sound bites are available at BitmanComedy.com! If you need access to the site, contact Adrienne Munos at United Stations Radio Network at 561-381-7598 or amunos@unitedstations.com Bitman By David Evjen Bitman1@aol.com Thursday, January 22nd, 2015 TINSELTOWN TATTLER… SELENA GOMEZ has been working with producer Zedd, but there was some buzz recently that they may be doing more than just working together. This week, they both posted Instagram photos of the other with an affectionate caption. Selena’s photo was captioned, "Missing LA and this punk," while he posted a photo of her in bed with the caption, "Oh hi derrling." (See here) ZOOEY DESCHANEL is engaged to producer Jacob Pechenik. They’ve been dating since the middle of last year and they’re expecting their first child together. No word on a wedding date, but Zooey was previously married to Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard from 2009-2012. BRUCE JENNER is reportedly finally ready to address his changing appearance, following In Touch magazine’s Photoshopped cover showing him wearing lipstick and makeup. No word on whether he’ll confirm or deny, but Bruce was said to be upset by In Touch’s story and Kris Jenner has been pushing him to say something. Never ones to miss a promotional opportunity, word is Bruce will address the subject on an episode of Keeping up with the Kardashians. FERGIE has revealed that she and husband JOSH DUHAMEL attend regular marriage therapy sessions. She says the marriage isn’t in trouble, but the counseling helps to make sure any problems that may come up are discussed and resolved. The marriage got off to a rocky start in 2009 when an exotic dancer went to the tabloids claiming Duhamel cheated with her. LINDSAY LOHAN had to be hospitalized after contracting a rare and incurable virus called chikungunya. Lindsay picked up the bug while in Bora-Bora at the end of December and symptoms include a high fever and joint pain. Lindsay was in Bora-Bora to film her Esurance commercial and was hospitalized when she returned to London. Lindsay has been released from the hospital after her fever broke, but she still has the joint pain and has been referred to a specialist. Bitman By David Evjen Bitman1@aol.com Thursday, January 22nd, 2015 TINSELTOWN TATTLER 2… JUSTIN BIEBER supposedly asked to be roasted by Comedy Central because he knows that he’s been a jerk and wants everyone to know he’s turned over a new leaf. Word is Justin has changed for the better over the last few months and that he's polite and respectful again. For example, TMZ reports that Bieber went to Mozza in L.A. Sunday night, but the restaurant was full. Two guys saw him and voluntarily moved to the bar so he could have a table. Word is that Justin personally thanked them and bought their dinner. Insiders say the roast is Justin’s way of acknowledging his past mistakes and moving on. Superhero stars CHRIS EVANS and CHRIS PRATT have made a Super Bowl bet for charity. Evans is from Boston and Pratt is from Seattle and if the Patriots lose, Evans will dress as Captain America and fly to Seattle and visit the Children's Hospital while waving a 12th man flag. However, if the Seahawks lose, Pratt will dress as Star-Lord, wearing a Tom Brady jersey, and visit Christopher's Haven in Boston. It started when Evans tweeted, "Well, well, well @prattprattpratt, looks like our teams are going into battle. For the next 2 weeks, you are not my friend, you are my enemy." Pratt responded, "@ChrisEvans We both know there's only one Captain America and his name is Russell Wilson." Bitman By David Evjen Bitman1@aol.com Thursday, January 22nd, 2015 DATELINE HOLLYWOOD… The harsh reality for LEANN RIMES and EDDIE CIBRIAN is that their reality show has been canceled by VH1 after one season. SURVIVOR has introduced the castaways for its upcoming 30th season. This season’s theme is "Worlds Apart" and the castaways will be divided into three tribes - White Collar, Blue Collar and No Collar. No Collar refers to those with "free spirits who are known to break the rules," and they include a coconut vendor, a sailing instructor and a 41-year-old YouTube "sensation." Survivor Season 30 premieres February 25th. A purported script for the upcoming WALKING DEAD spinoff series has leaked. It shows that the series will start in the early days of the zombie crisis with the C.D.C. attempting to prove the dead do not walk among us. The leaks would seem to indicate that the world isn’t yet in the state of chaos it's in after Rick Grimes wakes up from his coma in "Walking Dead." Bitman By David Evjen Bitman1@aol.com Thursday, January 22nd, 2015 MUSIC NOTES… Here are last week’s top 10 albums (with sales figures) according to Billboard magazine… (Chart now includes on-demand streaming and digital track sales.) 1. Meghan Trainor - Title - 238,000 2. Taylor Swift - 1989 - 131,000 3. Kidz Bop Kids - Kidz Bop 27 - 80,000 4. Ed Sheeran - x - 77,000 5. Mark Ronson - Uptown Special - 77,000 6. Nicki Minaj - The Pinkprint - 54,000 7. Sam Smith - In the Lonely Hour - 50,000 8. Maroon 5 - V - 48,000 9. Hozier - Hozier - 42,000 10. J. Cole - 2014 Forest Hills Drive - 38,000 Pharrell, Sam Smith, Usher and Miranda Lambert have been added to the list of performers at THE GRAMMY AWARDS next month. Common and John Legend will also be there to perform their Golden Globe-winning, Oscar-nominated song, "Glory," from the movie "Selma." LL Cool J will host the Grammys for the fourth consecutive year. The LIVE EARTH concert will return this year with Pharrell Williams serving as creative director. Over 100 artists will perform across seven continents on June 18th in cities such as New York, Johannesburg, Sydney, Beijing, Sao Paulo, and Paris. The inaugural 2007 Live Earth event featured artists such as Genesis, Metallica, Kanye West, the Police, Beastie Boys, Foo Fighters and Madonna. Bitman By David Evjen Bitman1@aol.com Thursday, January 22nd, 2015 MUSIC NOTES 2… It was METALLICA night at the San Jose Sharks game last night. The Sharks skate onto the ice to start their home games to the Metallica song "Seek and Destroy." Band members have been fans of the team from Day 1 and they were presented with custom-made Metallica-Sharks jerseys and took part in the opening puck drop and other events throughout the game. INTERPOL has announced plans for a 2015 North American tour that includes makeup dates for concerts scrubbed by last November’s blizzard. The tour kicks off April 8th in Tucson, Arizona, and will include two shows at Coachella. BILLY IDOL is pushing back the start of his North American tour due to illness. Idol is suffering from a chest infection and the tour is now planned to kick off Saturday in Philadelphia. It turns out that ELTON JOHN only has to perform two shows in Las Vegas to pay for his Million Dollar Piano! Elton has surpassed Britney Spears as the topearning performer in Las Vegas, pulling down over $500,000 a show! The PAUL MCCARTNEY tribute concert in which he was honored as the 2012 MusiCares Person of the Year will finally be out on DVD on March 24th. The show featured performances by Neil Young and Crazy Horse, Coldplay, Alicia Keys and McCartney, himself. JUSTIN BIEBER went unplugged for a surprise acoustic guitar set at State Social House in West Hollywood …and it was surprisingly good! (See here) MEGHAN TRAINOR has become just the 13th female artist in the history of the Billboard charts to score a debut No. 1 single and album. 'Title' tops the album charts this week, after All About That Bass did so on the singles charts. The last woman to do it was Ke$ha in 2010 with Animal and "TiK ToK." Bitman By David Evjen Bitman1@aol.com Thursday, January 22nd, 2015 MUSIC NOTES 3… TLC has a Kickstarter campaign going for them to make a new album. They just got $5,000 closer to their fundraising goal thanks to KATY PERRY! That 5-grand donation now entitles Katy to a slumber party in L.A. with T-Boz, which could result in some epic selfies! IGGY AZALEA is featured in the February issue of GQ magazine. Iggy tells the magazine, “At the very worst, if I have a short-lived career, at least I could say I sparked a change—that I inspired some leniency in what people accept in hip-hop. And if I have a very long career and can be gyrating in a leotard at 35, that would be great.” LUKE BRYAN has announced that he’ll kick off his 2015 Kick the Dust Up Tour on May 8th in Grand Forks, North Dakota. Among the stops will be the first-ever country music concert at Vanderbilt University's football stadium. Luke says, "I wanna bring the I.Q. down for one night there." Luke added, "We have other things in store. I have crazy ideas for offshoots and new music, so stay tuned." MARTINA MCBRIDE will receive the Harry Chapin Memorial Humanitarian Award from the Music Business Association in Nashville on May 14th. The award recognizes Martina for her efforts to end domestic violence. RASCAL FLATTS will sing the National Anthem at the NASCAR Sprint Cup Series race at the Las Vegas Motor Speedway on March 8th. Bitman By David Evjen Bitman1@aol.com Thursday, January 22nd, 2015 TUBULAR… Daytime: GMA: Philanthropist Melinda Gates Today: The cast of ``Honeymoon in Vegas'' performs Kelly & Michael: Don Cheadle The View: Guest co-host Colleen Ballinger The Talk: Eddie Izzard Ellen: Johnny Depp and Gwyneth Paltrow (``Mortdecai''); Sam Hunt performs Primetime: ABC: The Taste crowns a winner in the season finale Fox: American Idol New Orleans auditions; plus the new Rainn Wilson detective series Backstrom NBC: Bad Judge and A to Z fade away with their series finales TNT: NBA Spurs at Bulls and Nets at Clippers ESPN: College hoops Ohio State at Northwestern and Winter X Games ESPN2: College hoops Alabama at Arkansas and Arizona at Stanford and Australian Open tennis Late Night: Jimmy Kimmel: The Decemberists perform David Letterman: Jeff Goldblum (R) Jimmy Fallon: Blake Shelton; Motley Crue performs Late, Late Show: Guest host Judd Apatow; Adam Sandler; Lena Dunham Seth Meyers: Felicity Jones; comic Sebastian Maniscalco Conan: Ron Howard Bravo: Watch What Happens Live has Jennifer Lopez Bitman Bitman By David By David Evjen Evjen Bitman1@aol.com Bitman1@aol.com Friday, Thursday, May 29th, 2009 January 22nd, 2015 THE WATERCOOLER… Microsoft unveiled the first details of its Windows 10 operating system. They say the new operating system will span devices from PCs and game consoles to smart phones and tablets. Among the new features is the successor to Internet Explorer and the system will also integrate Skype across all devices, and include Office programs Word, Excel and PowerPoint on all Windows 10 phones and tablets. There’ll also be an Xbox app where users will find their games or follow friends. All owners of devices running Windows 7, Windows 8 or 8.1 will get a free upgrade to Windows 10 for the first year. Apparently Starbucks weddings are a thing now. If you check out the hashtag #StarbucksWedding you’ll find nearly one hundred photos of couples who actually tied the knot at the coffee shops. Newlyweds DeAnna Dodson and Jordan Senz of Wisconsin vowed to “love each other a latte,” and Senz even promised to “macchiato an honest woman out of you.” There are some common, everyday words that you’re probably mispronouncing. If you know someone that’s rich, they’re not "a-FLU-ent," but "AFF-lu-ent." Those tennis shoes you have aren’t "ah-DEE-dus," but "AH-dee-das" as the German brand is correctly pronounced in the rest of the world. If you own a pair of Adidas, you may consider them prestigious, but it’s correctly pronounced "pre-STI-jus," not "pre-STEE-jus" with the long "e" sound. If your favorite Boston basketball player wears Adidas, he’s not a Celtic, but a "Keltic," which was the original, and technically correct, way to say it. If all this is making you hungry, you can go to Chipotle. While there seems to be some debate as to whether it’s pronounced “chiPOAT-lay" or “chee-POAT-lay,” it’s definitely not "chi-pole-tay" or "chi-potl." It’s your prerogative to say words correctly, but better make that "PRE-rog-uh-tiv," not "PUR-rog-uh-tiv." Blame Bobby Brown on that one. (See more here) Bitman Bitman By David By David Evjen Evjen Bitman1@aol.com Bitman1@aol.com Friday, Thursday, May 29th, 2009 January 22nd, 2015 THE WATERCOOLER 2… The gang over at Cracked have come up with what they say are 9 stupid words we should retire in 2015. They are Slacks/Trousers; Sassy; Romper; Tummy; Baby Bump; Bae (short for baby); God/Goddess; Swag; Vaping. Here’s your feel good story for the day. Chesterfield, Virginia’s Jodie Green has an autistic son named Dylan. Ever since he was 2 years old, Dylan has been obsessed with vacuum cleaners, particularly Kirbys. With his 14th birthday approaching, Jodie wrote to Kirby explaining her son’s obsession and how he spends hours a day watching vacuum cleaner videos and talking about them. Jodie asked if a salesman could come to the party to demonstrate their product, even offering to pay a fee, but making it clear she wasn’t going to buy one. The company not only sent a salesman to the party, he gave Dylan a soccer ball, a hat and a T-shirt with the Kirby logo and one of their vacuum cleaners. Salesman Al Archie said of Dylan, “He knew more about the Kirby than I did.” Jodie later said, “I’m going to have the cleanest carpets in Chesterfield County.” Jessie Gallan is Scotland’s oldest woman. Jessie turned 109 on January 2nd and is sharing her secrets of longevity. Jessie says the secrets to a long life are eating a warm bowl of porridge each morning and staying away from men, who she says are more trouble than they're worth. The never-married Jesse says she also made sure she got plenty of exercise, perhaps by running away from men. Bitman By David Evjen Bitman1@aol.com Thursday, January 22nd, 2015 SPORTS SHIRT… Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning reportedly wants to return for the 2015 season but won't make a final decision until he takes his annual physical. Manning wants to wait on tests on his neck and thigh injury to make sure they can withstand the hits. The Broncos have asked Manning to let them know by March 9th, the day before teams must exercise their rights on veterans under contract. Indianapolis Colts quarterback Andrew Luck was drafted first overall again, but this time it was for the Pro Bowl as Cris Carter chose him first for Team Carter. Team Irvin, led by Michael Irvin, selected Dallas quarterback Tony Romo. The Atlanta Hawks won their franchise-record 14th straight game with their 11091 victory over the Indiana Pacers last night. Shawn Marion has announced plans to retire after this season. Marion spent most of his 15-year NBA career with the Phoenix Suns, but was part of Dallas’ 2011 championship team. NASCAR driver Brian Vickers has been medically cleared to return to racing in March, just three months after undergoing surgery to repair a hole in his heart. Team co-owner Michael Waltrip will sub for Vickers in the Daytona 500. Goalkeeper Hope Solo has been suspended from the U.S. women's national soccer team for 30 days following an incident in which she allegedly acted belligerent towards police when her husband was arrested for DUI. The suspension means Solo will miss matches next month in France and England. Bitman By David Evjen Bitman1@aol.com Thursday, January 22nd, 2015 Scoreboard NBA: Charlotte 78 Miami 76 Final Cleveland 106 Utah 92 Final New York 98 Philadelphia 91 Final Atlanta 110 Indiana 91 Final Detroit 128 Orlando 118 Final Memphis 92 Toronto 86 Final Dallas 98 Minnesota 75 Final New Orleans 96 L.A. Lakers 80 Final Oklahoma City 105 Washington 103 Final OT Phoenix 118 Portland 113 Final Brooklyn 103 Sacramento 100 Final Golden State 126 Houston 113 Final NHL: Ottawa 4 Toronto 3 Final Chicago 3 Pittsburgh 2 Final SO Winnipeg 4 Columbus 0 Final Colorado 3 Boston 2 Final SO Anaheim 6 Calgary 3 Final San Jose 4 Los Angeles 2 Final NCAAB: Utah 86 Washington St. 64 Final Wichita St. 76 Missouri St 53 Final North Carolina 87 Wake Forest 71 Final Today’s Games NBA: San Antonio at Chicago (8:00 PM) Utah at Milwaukee (8:00 PM) Boston at Portland (10:00 PM) Brooklyn at L.A. Clippers (10:30 PM) NHL: All-Star Break NCAAB: Georgia Tech at Virginia (8:00 PM) St. Mary's, Calif. at Gonzaga (11:00 PM) Arizona at Stanford (9:00 PM) Maryland at Indiana (9:00 PM) Notre Dame at Virginia Tech (7:00 PM) Bitman By David Evjen Bitman1@aol.com Thursday, January 22nd, 2015 DUH… DeBary, Florida’s 83-year-old Charlene Earle has been arrested on felony charges of battery on a person older than 65. This comes after her and her husband, 87year-old Charles Earle, got into a fight, resulting in numerous scrapes, cuts and bruises to both of them. Charlene was able to drive them to a hospital for treatment of their injuries, but if you were wondering what would cause the lovebirds to attack one another, your guess is as good as theirs. The couple later told deputies they didn’t remember what started the argument. Michael Foster was at the Brandon, Florida, Wal-Mart when he noticed another man getting out of his vehicle in the parking lot with a holstered gun under his coat. Fearing the worst, Foster followed Clarence Daniels through the parking lot and into the store. Foster then approached Daniels from behind, put him in a chokehold and brought him to the ground. After a brief struggle, Foster yelled that Daniels had a gun, to which he responded that he had a permit to carry it. It turns out Daniels did have a permit and Foster now faces battery charges. Former British soldier Allan Johnston held up Jennifer Pringle in the town of Stirling last August and made off with her handbag. Jennifer handed over her bag even though Allan was armed only with a can of Red Bull. Unfortunately, the Red Bull didn’t give Allan wings as he was quickly apprehended. Allan was sentenced to nearly four years in prison after pleading guilty to assault and robbery, but told the court he wouldn’t have used a real gun because "guns kill people". Houston police say Dorian Markee Walker-Gaines stole an iPad from a truck owned by Randy Schaefer, who was stupid enough to park his unlocked vehicle overnight in front of his home. And why do police believe that Dorian is the culprit? He used the stolen iPad to take selfies bragging of the crime which, unbeknownst to him, automatically uploaded to Randy’s iCloud. Dorian also uploaded video to his Facebook account identifying himself and it’s noted he has an arrest record and the inappropriate word "Brilliant" tattooed across his chest. Bitman By David Evjen Bitman1@aol.com Thursday, January 22nd, 2015 MO’ DUH… Toledo, Ohio, police attempted to pull Jason Davis over on a routine traffic stop. However, the stop became not-so-routine when Jason sped away, although he did greatly aid police in his capture as he crashed through a gate into the parking lot of the Toledo Correctional Institution. Still, Jason refused to exit the vehicle and had to be forcibly removed by officers. Jason is facing numerous traffic and drug charges, plus vandalism for damaging the prison gate. Police in Denmark are on the lookout for the men that stole a lawn tractor from a business near the town of Gråsten. It shouldn’t be too difficult to find the crooks as a Google Street View camera car drove by just as they were committing the robbery. A Google photo shows the two men and their car, complete with their license plate number. Middletown, New York’s Diane Andryshak stepped out of the house on Monday to run errands. When she returned, Diane didn’t have a house to step back into. That’s because her husband, James Rhein, rented a bulldozer while she was out and razed the house. Rhein said the house was falling apart and needed to come down, but he didn’t tell his wife. That would explain why neighbors saw her in the middle of the road screaming upon finding the home demolished and her clothes and medicine buried in the rubble. Rhein is facing a felony criminal mischief charge, but says his wife has already gotten over it, although she told local media she’s still in shock. Oak Ridge, Tennessee judge William Lawrence Tunnell has found himself on the other side of the bench. When Tunnell fell at an intersection, a group of bystanders, including Charles Smallwood, came to his aid. Smallwood and the others tried to get Tunnell to stay until paramedics arrived, but he refused. When Smallwood stepped in front of Tunnell’s car to prevent him from leaving, the judge allegedly said, “Move you (expletive) or I will run you over.” The judge kept his word and it was Smallwood that was tended to by paramedics, while Tunnell is facing an aggravated assault charge. Bitman By David Evjen Bitman1@aol.com Thursday, January 22nd, 2015 HISTORY LESSON… 1947: KTLA, Channel 5, in Hollywood, became the first commercial TV station west of the Mississippi 1951: Pitcher Fidel Castro was ejected from a Winter League game after hitting a batter and later gave up baseball for politics. 1952: The first nude beach opened in America 1959: Buddy Holly recorded his last songs in his New York Apartment 1968: Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In premiered on NBC 1973: The Supreme Court handed down its Roe vs. Wade decision 1984: Apple introduced the Macintosh computer 1987: Phil Donahue became the first talk show host to tape a show in the Soviet Union 1997: Madeleine Albright was confirmed as America's first female secretary of state 2006: Kobe Bryant of the Los Angeles Lakers scored 81 points against the Toronto Raptors 2008: Actor Heath Ledger died of an accidental drug overdose in New York City at the age of 28. 2012: Arizona Representative Gabrielle Giffords announced she was leaving Congress following her assassination attempt Birthday Partiers: actor John Hurt (Elephant Man, Alien, Hellboy) 75 actress Linda Blair (The Exorcist, Airport 75, Repossessed) 56 TV chef Guy Fieri 46 actor Balthazar Getty (Judge Dredd, Alias, Brothers and Sisters) 40