Relationship Breakup:
Understanding the Myths & Learning to Heal
Mary Lynn Manns, Ph.D.
It is better to have loved and lost
than to live with that psycho for the
rest of your life.
refrigerator magnet lent
to me by Dr. Pam Laughon
Purpose of this Presentation
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to help you understand what you’re going
through during the loss of a relationship
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to help you understand how you can help
others who are going through the loss of a
relationship
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to provide some healing techniques
Loss  Grief  Change
So who the heck is this presenter?
The unique struggles in
a break-up…
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Feelings of rejection and betrayal
Seeing your ex with a new love
Potentially unrealistic hope
Friends who are caught in the middle
Few, if any, support systems
Therapists who may not really understand
Misunderstanding of the emotions
Expectations that you can just “get over it”
There is a lot of suffering out there
but very little understanding
and very little help….
As a result, many people are
suffering in silence.
Myth:
After a certain amount of time
(3 weeks, 3 months, 6 months)
you should be “over it” and “move on”….
It was a good ten months before I slept a whole night
without my good friend, Tylenol PM.
Jane
I lived for months on ginger ale, bananas, pepto
bismol, and fingernails (and lost about 40 pounds
overall).
Marcia
I am happily married now, but even years after my
break-up, I still get a little sad when I think of my
ex every Sunday morning because he and I used
to read the newspaper together.
Chris
I’ve been going through hell for the
last months. Yet, he is doing fine and
is having a lot of fun with his new
girlfriend. How can he just jump from
what we had into a relationship with
someone else?
Sophie
It doesn’t go away just because you
want it to.
Barb, referring to her intense sadness and anger
Healthy change is not an event…
it is a process
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It will not happen just because you declare you
are "over it" or because other people say you
should be.
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You will need time to reestablish your identity
and way of life.
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Everyone has to take his or her own unique
journey-- honor your pace and trust the process.
It was almost 10 years after my break-up. I was
watching a Lifetime movie about a couple who
was getting a divorce. Totally unexpectedly,
intense emotions consumed me and I cried like a
baby. I realized I never dealt with the pain of my
break-up properly – it was still a part of me.
Elizabeth
Myth:
It will be easier to get over an ex
who has done dreadful things
or is just plain wrong for you...
My friends try to help me by reminding me what
he did. He did some terrible things…. so they
don’t understand why I still love him so much,
but I do. I just can’t flip a switch in my brain and
make the love go away.
Susan
My friends tell me I dodged a bullet.
Yes, well, I know that…
but I loved that bullet.
Linda
I am making lists of all the awful things he
did, and all his annoying habits. But it
doesn’t cause me to simply forget all the
wonderful things I saw in him.
Amy
Love is emotional, not logical
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You did not fall in love for logical reasons
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You did not stay in love for logical reasons
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Logical arguments will not will not cause
you to fall out of love
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The facts have very little ability to ease the
complex feelings of love
Myth:
Your friend who experienced a
relationship loss will be fine
because s/he is a strong person.
People keep telling that I’ll be fine and
get through this because I’ve been so
strong and confident my whole life.
Yes, that is the way it used to be, but
not any more.
Ellie
I can’t be myself around my friends. I’m falling
apart and they have no idea.
Amy
My friends told me: We hate him now, but if you
keep going on and on about him, we will start
hating you.
Sherrie
I am worried I am wearing out my friends.
Lynn
I have a lot of well-meaning people
around me. But the two worst words I
can hear from them is: “Move on”…. I
can’t, so it makes me feel so weak.
Barb
The shock and pain can create
profound changes in your friend
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Give your friend permission to let go
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Keep a watchful eye
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Recognize that “moving on” involves both
the physical and the emotional
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Offer your support rather than a cure
I feel like my house has burnt down and
someone just brought me a pair of pajamas.
I really appreciate the gift, but my house
still burnt down.
Sophie
Myth:
If you concentrate on what you have,
you will stop thinking about what
you have lost.
I read somewhere that I should create a gratitude
journal, so I did. Counting my blessings is
important – it allows me to appreciate what I
have. But, can this really allow me to get over
who I have lost?
Susan
You cannot simply replace one thing
for another. However…
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Whatever you give your attention to will
only get stronger.
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Focus your attention on all the healthy
things you need to do to heal, rather than
everything that nails you to the pain.
Myth:
A new love is the answer...
My new love, Greg, made the pain
of my break-up go away. He is my
salvation.
Barb:
And what if something happens to
Greg?
Pat:
Within a month after the break-up, I
joined match.com… wow, what a
disaster that was!
Sally
You have a void in your life – don’t fill
it with liquor – fill it with work.
Advice to Brie on Desperate Housewives
Are you looking outside yourself
for the answer?
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Don’t use distractions to postpone your
grief -- take the time and effort to truly heal
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Look for the answer in something you can
control – in yourself
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Learn how to be happy without a
dependence on other people and things
Myth:
The pain I am feeling is so bad.
I must make it stop.
The pain was so strong that I just
wanted it to stop now. I could think of
only one way to make this pain end…
it was getting scary.
Susan
The breaking of your heart has caused you
to be kicked in the head…
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The pain got your attention – use it to
propel you to a different level.
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It is healthier for the long run to go through
the grief, rather than around it.
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If you resist the pain, you won’t learn the
lesson and you will repeat the class.
Loss  Grief  Change
What I’ve learned so far…
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There is a lack of understanding about recovery from a
break-up – yet, it needs to be taken as seriously as any
other loss.
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The road to healing is not intellectual and logical; it is
emotional and even irrational.
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Most people ignore the grief, rather than go through it,
because they don’t understand how to heal.
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Breaking up is hard. Finding help should not be.
Be patient -- windows and
doors will eventually open for you.
Psychologist:
But how do I keep from
suffocating until they do?
Cheryl:
Healing is an inside job
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Make the public private
Express your feelings
Create your own future
Eat, sleep, exercise
Evaluate your support systems
Laugh
Carole: … the path we are on is for a greater
purpose and that it is an opportunity to open a
door to another facet of who we are and who
we can become…You are working really hard at
getting the old “you” back but I believe that a
new “you” will emerge with all of the wonderful
qualities of the "old" but with many "new" gifts
that will benefit not only you personally but all
with whom you come in contact.