Chiefy Ugbaja
Mr. Douglas
11/19/14
English 104.23
Editing Log#2: Essay 2
Editing Log #2 Myth of Individual Benefit Revealed
Writing about the myth of individual opportunity seem to be more difficult than expected
because, I would catch myself talking about the subject rather than the myth sometimes. I had to
go back, and revise those mistake. I also need to work on not using words like “this”, and “that”
so often, it would be better if I found different words to get my meaning across better. Since
there were so many different opinions on the myth, it helped work in my favor because I was
able to pick up better information. I could have use some more of that information when I was
writing the paper.
Original Sentence: Myth of Individual Opportunity
Instructor’s Commentary: Create more original tittle
Revision: Myth of Individual Benefit Revealed
Original Sentence: In society today, can the people around the world say with confidence that
they have an equal chance of being successful, based solely on their skill levels, and effort in
work? After reading the writing pieces The Lesson by Toni Cade Bambara, The New American
Divide by Charles Murray, and Studs Terkel by Stephen Cruz on the topic of individual
opportunity, it is seen that all three authors for the most part share the same viewpoints on the
subject.
Instructor’s Commentary: Tidy up, a bit choppy
Revision: In society today, can the people around the world assert with confidence that they
have an equal chance of being successful, based solely on their skill levels, education, and
productivity in the workforce? After reading the different excerpts, and writing pieces such as,
The Lesson by Toni Cade Bambara, The New American Divide by Charles Murray, and Studs
Terkel by Stephen Cruz on the topic of individual opportunity, it is seen that all three authors for
the most part share the same viewpoints on the subject.
Original Sentence:The first obstacle holding the people back is race
Instructor’s Commentary: Topic sentence needs to relate back why you believe what you
believe about myth
Revision: The myth of individual opportunity, already assumes that each individual is treated
equally, but unfortunately in reality today treating individuals as equals is not a common morale
upheld by most.
Original Sentence: The authors all agree that there is nothing wrong with these ideals, the
problem is that these goals, are not attainable by everyone because most people will not have the
opportunity to make such money to obtain these things.
Instructor’s Commentary: Be specific
Revision: The authors all agree that there is nothing wrong with these ideals; the problem is that
these goals are not attainable by everyone because most people will not have the opportunity to
make such money to obtain a big house, or fancy car.
Original Sentence: Individual opportunity gives the people the right enjoy similar living terms,
to at least be able to provide for ourselves, and another.
Instructor’s Commentary:Topic sentence needs to relate back why you believe what you
believe about myth
Revision: The myth of individual benefit gives the people the right to enjoy similar living terms,
where they can at least be able to provide for themselves, and another.
Original Sentence: Bambara says “Equal chance to pursue happiness means an equal chance at
the dough don’t it?” (Bambara p.256)
Instructor’s Commentary: Avoid “Say”
Revision: Bambara states that “Equal chance to pursue happiness means an equal chance at the
dough ...” (Bambara p.256)
Original Sentence: In conclusion the a person who’s goal, or dream is to live in a big house, or
own fancy cars is fine. We as a people need to make it so that not only the higher class, are the
only ones capable achieve these dreams, and goals, but that everyone one has a fighting chance
at it. That is why I agree with each author, and there viewpoints on individual opportunity, that it
should be based solely a person on their skill levels, and effort in work, regardless of race,
gender, and beliefs.
Instructor’s Commentary: Be specific
Revision: In conclusion the myth of individual opportunity has so many different meanings that
most people do not feel they are making a good enough profit to live comfortably in life based on
the fact that they cannot afford a ton of luxurious items. The person who’s goal, or dream is to
live in a big house, or own fancy cars is fine, it is also okay to just want to be able to provide,
and live comfortably with ones family. We as a people need to make it so that not only the
higher class, are the only ones capable achieve these dreams, and goals, but that everyone one
has a fighting chance at it. Leading to the reason why I agree with each author, and their
viewpoints on individual opportunity, that only way for a person achieve individual benefit is
when they are judged solely on their skill levels, education and effort in work. Regardless of
race, gender, and beliefs.
Original Sentence: Individual opportunity gives the people the right enjoy similar living terms,
to at least be able to provide for ourselves, and another. This again is not the case in “The New
American Divide”, author Charles Murray points out facts that, in the 1960s, the upper-middle
class and the working class shared similar lives in terms, and family habits, how they spend their
free time, based on the kind of work they do, this was the "American Dream".
Instructor’s Commentary: To many “this”, “that clean up a bit
Revision: The myth of individual benefit gives the people the right to enjoy similar living terms,
where they can at least be able to provide for themselves, and another. In “The New American
Divide”, author Charles Murray points out facts stating, in the 1960s, the upper-middle class, and
the working class shared similar lives in terms of family habits, and how they spent their free
time, based on the kind of work they do.