OPENING SCENE
(Harry at desk in cubicle)
Dean Kanter: Hi, I’m Dean Kanter. [lawyer joke]. I knew it was you the minute I saw
Cadaceous between your eyes.
Harry: I’m kind of busy over here. Cadaceous? Do I know you from somewhere?
Dean Kanter: We met a long, long time ago. Let me explain. Actually, let me show you.
We’ll need that computer. Could you type in www.zone.com. Type in last name …
CLOTTER, and first name … HARRY. Then we’ll need to type in your default
password which is … oh, just let me do it or else this will take too long. Ok, now that
we’re logged in, go to student groups … then the student affairs directory … then the box
that says Harry. Now there should be a link that says video. Ok, here we go …
VIDEO STARTS
A long time ago at the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine, there was a student
named Tom Riddle who desperately wanted to be an orthopedic surgeon. He was an
excellent student, but on match day, due to a foul up at the Student Affairs office, he did
not match and was forced to scramble into the OB/Gyn residency at Magee.
He accepted this bitter fate for years until your parents, both excellent Pitt Med students
came to see him for your perinatal care. Dr. Riddle saw his opportunity to wreak
vengeance on the Pitt med community that had fated him to deliver children. He stole
you away after your birth, and placed you where he thought we would be unable to find
you … in the home of Muggles (non medical people) in Beaver County. He never knew
the extent that UPMC would one day reach. For this act, Dr. Riddle was cast out of the
medical community but he swore that his vengeance would still be felt.
Since then, he has tortured the medical community with further acts of terror.
ALTERNATE
A long time ago at the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine, there was a student
named Tom Riddle who desperately wanted to be an orthopedic surgeon. He was an
excellent student, but on match day, due to a foul up at the Student Affairs office, he
received no match. He snapped. He ran out of LR6 and was not seen again until the day
of your birth.
We were always suspicious of what had happened. We knew his power, and as we saw
the population of Allegheny county begin to suffer from increased prevalence of diabetes,
gout, Hepatitis A, and depression. He surfaced that fateful day of your birth, using his
old Magee ID to sneak into the Labor and Delivery suite of your mother. Yes, Harry, I
knew your parents. They were also some of Pitt Med’s finest, and since the Office of
Student Affairs successfully transmitted their applications, they received their top choices
for residency. I always knew that Riddle was most jealous of them. [SCAR] He stole
you away, planting you in the home of Muggles (non medical people) in Beaver County
in hopes that you would never gain the medical training necessary to find him and bring
him down.
He then recruited a series of henchmen to carry out his evil deeds, a secret society
founded on principles of malpractice of medicine and torture of medical students … The
Society of Anus Equini. His only goal in life was to gain control over UPMC, the Pitt
Med School, and ultimately, the Office of Student Affairs to right the wrongs of his past.
POST VIDEO
Dean Kanter: Unfortunately, Harry, I have some other sad news to report. In the years
since your birth, your parents were lost after eating green onions tainted with Hepatitis A
at a local Mexican restaurant, something we can only assume that was planted by He who
shall not be named.
Harry: This explains so much … my love for ER, House, and Grey’s Anatomy; my
fascination with the Canadian single payer system, and my hatred for ChiChis. But what
can I do?
Dean Kanter: Harry, I came here today to give you this parchment. It is a letter of
admission to the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine. This letter of acceptance
is being offered to you without MCAT scores, prerequisite courses, or an essay about
cultural diversity. We all know that anyone can write about that (especially the parents of
many of our students). You can come to the medical school if you can answer just one
question.
Harry: What’s that, sir?
Dean Kanter: Why do you want to be a doctor?
Harry: I want to help people!
Dean Kanter: Right answer, let’s go …
[SONG about going to med school?]
SCENES:
Kanter: Here we are at school – go get on line for your white cloak ceremony.
[ Harry walks over to line with other students wearing suits]
Harry: Hi – I’m Harry Clotter.
[ Harry meets three other friends, possibly one from each of the houses and introduce the
main characters. There is some discussion of You Know Who - He/She Who Shall Not
Be Named]
[White Cloak ceremony. Dumbledore or Rich Levitt (DL) – welcome speech, MyersBriggs, overhead, 100% ENTP, intro to sorting speech – where there is a sorting [head
mirror, black bag, something]
[Who will you be? Who can it be now? – song]
Sorting Hat (Rich Levitt, Myers-Briggs)
Lifestyle – GAS, DEM, ER, PATH, OPTHO, ENT
Medicine – Med, peds
Surgery – Ortho, trauma, gen, neurosurg, OBGYN
Talkative – psych, family
[Mrs Harlow gives speech – “Mrs” Harlow. You WILL wear your cloaks. You WILL
address me by the correct terms. Etc…]
[Dumbledore / Harlow – Honor code? Hippocratic oath?
Forbidden maneuvers: Dix-Halpike – if you turn the head the wrong way, you can
control the patient – this is strictly forbidden.
Forbidden drugs:
Forbidden phrases: “Yvonne”.
[students shown walking to their class for scene change / movie / orientation week
drunkitude]
[Patient interviewing  Classes  Physical diagnosis skit
performing Dix-Hallpike and accidentally possessing someone by accident. Shaver- lubtrub, Tennessee-Kentucky, percussion, 2+ vs. 3+ reflexes]
[Harry and crew – puzzle about why classes suck so bad – theorize that it Vulvarwart’s
influence. Rag on PBLs.
1st challenge – passing classes, bad lecturers ( we didn’t start the fire (choose to hire), We
are the World, So long, farewell)
- Judy Schantz (Mr. Grinch)
- Sandra Murray - Anatomy – “last time you will ever see…”
- Biochem (Sid Morris – the laugh)
- Bruce McClane
- Guillermo Romero - GDP/GTP (Argentinean shafted for Nobel Prize)
- Shaver – an entire song with lub, dub, Tennessee, Kentucky, Heart sounds
-
Dr. Mrs. Harvey
Jamie Johnston – Star Trek
Derm – no lectures
Duker – girl scout
Lance Jones
Bontempo
Physical exam: percussion (involve orchestra)
Dr. Fox, Dr. Granieri (sent to Palermo)
Amber Barnato
2nd challenge – boards
- Rich Levitt (time breakdown – 8hr/q, 12 day.5, 8 days of studing in a week.
After ILS will be 10 days. After 10 hour, you will be allowed to urinate.
Defacation is strictly for weekends, but make sure you can do QBank in the
bathroom. Another confusing overhead”)
[If you pass the boards, Vulvarwart’s powers will be weakened]
[ Harry theorizes about why everything classes and Rich Levitt are so worthless.
Decide to complain to the Minister of Medicine, Dean Levine. In meeting, Dean
Levine sings a song praising UPMC. This song incorporates financial aid.]
[Harry comes back, dejected with his meeting with Levine, and sings his song of
board sorrow]
-
USMLE song
[Takes the boards, passes, which Vulvarwart
[ Harry to Kanter – people keep calling this evil person You Know Who. Why don’t they
use the real.
Kanter : It’s far to disgusting a name. It hurts the ears.
Harry: I need to know…
Kanter: Well, OK, it’s Vulvarwart. Satisfied?]
Pass boards -> weaken the power of Vulvawart
Pittsburgh (Hogsmeade)
Financial Aid (Gringots)
3rd Year experiences – invisibility cloak?
- VA Christmas Spectacular: Heroes Hall
- OB/Gyn (cheerleading, On Broadway)
- Psych ( WHIP IC- Devo)
- Surgery (Stand) – Tisherman, Rectal Exam, “MRSA, MRSA Me”
- Peds –
-
Medicine – get people out of the door as soon as possible, not talking to
people. Micromanaging of electrolytes.
CAMC – Eibling, Elnicki, Waxman, Holzinger
Dr. Rogers, Dr. McIvor, Dr. Dunmire, Dr. Tisherman, WISER (pregnant SIM)
Use of big words – “my head is spinning with all of these big words” “No
you’re vertiginous”
[Scheduling, Application, Interviews]
[Yvonne will explain scheduling procedure, applications. Themes - can’t change
schedule within4 weeks of class, not allowed to miss a day of clinical radiology for an
interview]
[Harry and the gang theorize that it might be Yvonne who’s possessed to throw off the
match and have it suck]
Match – everyone does well.
(Yvonne, Mahoney and Rich Levitt shown to be under evil spell of Vulvarwort. Who
will be Vuvlarwort / Anus Equinis)? Let’s sing a song…] (Possible songs You’re a Mean
One, Vulvarort – or – Who Can It be Now?)
[At the end – “why didn’t you possess Dean Harvey?” “She doesn’t do anything – why
possess her?” “She was already possessed” “Her mind was too weak”]
[Masss group celebratory song]
-----------------------------------------------------------Random Songs –
Respect – Aretha, The Cars
You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch
You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch.
You really are a heel.
You're as cuddly as a cactus,
You're as charming as an eel.
Mr. Grinch.
You're a bad banana
With a greasy black peel.
You're a monster, Mr. Grinch.
Your heart's an empty hole.
Your brain is full of spiders,
You've got garlic in your soul.
Mr. Grinch.
I wouldn't touch you, with a
thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole.
You're a vile one, Mr. Grinch.
You have termites in your smile.
You have all the tender sweetness
Of a seasick crocodile.
Mr. Grinch.
Given the choice between the two of you
I'd take the seasick crockodile.
You're a foul one, Mr. Grinch.
You're a nasty, wasty skunk.
Your heart is full of unwashed socks
Your soul is full of gunk.
Mr. Grinch.
The three words that best describe you,
are, and I quote: "Stink. Stank. Stunk."
You're a rotter, Mr. Grinch.
You're the king of sinful sots.
Your heart's a dead tomato splot
With moldy purple spots,
Mr. Grinch.
Your soul is an apalling dump heap overflowing
with the most disgraceful assortment of deplorable
rubbish imaginable,
Mangled up in tangled up knots.
You nauseate me, Mr. Grinch.
With a nauseaus super-naus.
You're a crooked jerky jockey
And you drive a crooked horse.
Mr. Grinch.
You're a three decker saurkraut and toadstool
sandwich
With arsenic sauce.
On Broadway
They say the neon lights are bright
On broadway
They say there’s always magic in the air
But when you’re walkin’ down that street
And you ain’t got enough to eat
The glitter rubs right off and you’re nowhere
They say the chicks are somethin’ else
On broadway
But lookin’ at them just gives me the blues
’cause how ya gonna make some time
When all you got is one thin dime
And one thin dime won’t even shine your shoes
They say that I won’t last too long
On broadway
I’ll catch a greyhound bus for home they all say
But they’re dead wrong, I know they are
’cause I can play this here guitar
And I won’t quit till I’m a star
On broadway
But they’re dead wrong, I know they are
’cause I can play this here guitar
And I won’t quit till I’m a star
On broadway
On broadway
I’m gonna make it, yeah
On broadway
I’ll be a big, big man
On broadway
I’ll have my name in lights
On broadway
Everybody gonna know me
On broadway
All up and down broadway
On broadway
So Long, Farewell
[Children:]
There's a sad sort of clanging from the clock in the hall
And the bells in the steeple too
And up in the nursery an absurd little bird
Is popping out to say "cuckoo"
[Marta, Gretl, Brigitta:]
Cuckoo, cuckoo
[Children: Marta, Gretl, Brigitta: ]
Regretfully they tell us Cuckoo, cuckoo
But firmly they compel us Cuckoo, cuckoo
To say goodbye . . .
[Marta, Gretl, Brigitta:]
Cuckoo!
[Children:]
. . . to you
[Children:]
So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, good night
[Marta:]
I hate to go and leave this pretty sight
[Children:]
So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, adieu
[Friedrich:]
Adieu, adieu, to yieu and yieu and yieu
[Children:]
So long, farewell, au revoir, auf wiedersehen
[Liesl:]
I'd like to stay and taste my first champagne
[Children:]
So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, goodbye
[Kurt:]
I leave and heave a sigh and say goodbye -- Goodbye!
[Brigitta:]
I'm glad to go, I cannot tell a lie
[Louisa:]
I flit, I float, I fleetly flee, I fly
[Gretl:]
The sun has gone to bed and so must I
[Children:]
So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, goodbye
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
[Guests:]
Goodbye!
TELL IT TO MY HEART – Taylor Dayne
I feel the night explode when we're together.
Emotion overload in the heat of pleasure.
Take me I'm yours into your arms.
Never let me go.
Tonight I really need to know.
Tell it to my heart
Tell me I'm the only one.
Is this really love or just a game?
Tell it to my heart.
I can feel my body rock every time you call my name.
The passion's so complete. It's neverending.
As long as I receive, the message you're sending.
Body to body, soul to soul
Always feel you near.
So say the words I long to hear.
Tell it to my heart.
Tell me I'm the only one.
Is this really love or just a game?
Tell it to my heart.
I can feel my body rock every time you call my name.
Love, love on the run, breaking us down,
Though we keep holding on.
I don't want to lose, no I can't let you go.
Tell it to my heart.
Tell me I'm the only one.
Is this really love or just a game?
Tell it to my heart.
I can feel my body rock every time you call my name.
Tell it to my heart. Tell me from the start. Tell it to my heart.
Tell it to my heart. Tell me from the start. Tell it to my heart.
Never make it stop. Oh, take it to the heart.
Tell it to my heart...
(til fade)
Under the Sea
Vocals: Samuel E. Wright (Sebastian)
Running time: 3:15
[Ariel, listen to me]
[The human world, it's a mess]
[Life under the sea]
[Is better than anything they got up there]
The seaweed is always greener
In somebody else's lake
You dream about going up there
But that is a big mistake
Just look at the world around you
Right here on the ocean floor
Such wonderful things surround you
What more is you lookin' for?
Under the sea, under the sea
Darlin' it's better down where it's wetter
Take it from me.
Up on the shore they work all day
Out in the sun they slave away
While we devoting full time to floating
Under the sea
Down here all the fish is happy
As off through the waves they roll
The fish on the land ain't happy
They sad 'cause they in the bowl
But fish in the bowl is lucky
They in for a worser fate
One day when the boss get hungry
Guess who's gon'be on the plate
Under the sea, under the sea
Nobody beat us, fry us
And eat us in fricassee
We what the land folks loves to cook
Under the sea we off the hook
We got no troubles, like is the bubbles
Under the sea, under the sea
Under the sea, under the sea
Since life is sweet here
We got the beat here naturally
Even the sturgeon and the ray
They get the urge 'n' start to play
We got the spirit, you got to hear it
Under the sea
The newt play the flute
The carp play the harp
The plaice play the bass
And they soundin' sharp
The bass play the brass
The chub play the tub
The fluke is the duke of soul
The ray he can play
The lings on the strings
The trout rockin' out
The blackfish, she sings
The smelt and the sprat
They know where it's at
And oh, that blowfish blow
Under the sea, under the sea
Under the sea, under the sea
When the sardine begin the beguine
It's music to me
What do they got, a lot of sand
We got a hot crustaceuan band
Each little clam here
Know how to jam here
Under the sea
Each little slug here
Cutting a rug here
Under the sea
Each little snail here
Know how to wail here
That's why it's hotter
Under the water
Ya, we in luck here
Down in the muck here
Under the sea