3.
The Somewhat True Tale of Robin Hood
Character readings
Characters:
Evil Prince John, Sheriff, Lady in Waiting, Robin,
Marian, Fawning Ladies
(PRINCE enters with FAWNING LADIES throwing rose petals.)
PRINCE: What goes on here?!
SHERIFF: We have an unwelcome visitor, Your Highness.
PRINCE: Can it be? Why it is! It’s Robin Hood! Felon, lawbreaker and partisan of
the poorly appareled, porky poor people. Well, dear fellow, it looks as though we
are about to defeat your crusade for the underprivileged, now, doesn’t it?
ROBIN: You’ve only won the battle, sir, not the war!
PRINCE: You’re not going to be in any condition to battle anyone. Guards! Take
Robin Hood to—THE DUNGEON OF DEMISE!
LADY: (Screams in terror). AHHHHHHHH! (Then, completely composes herself. As
the LADY screams the PRINCE, SHERIFF, and FAWNING LADIES almost go into cardiac
arrest. One FAWNING LADY looks at the LADY IN WAITING and throws a handful of
rose petals at her in anger. All compose themselves and the action continues.)
PRINCE: Sheriff, have you any suggestions as to the torture for a criminal the likes
of him?
SHERIFF: I say, whip him!
FAWNING LADIES: Oh!
PRINCE: Too nice.
SHERIFF: Brand him with irons!
FAWNING LADIES: Oh!
PRINCE: Too nice.
SHERIFF: Cut out his tongue!
FAWNING LADIES: Eew!
PRINCE: Messy! And too nice. Wait, I think I’ve got it! (Evil laugh)
SHERIFF: Why, Your Highness—you don’t mean?
PRINCE: Yes! Let us see if our gallant hero can survive spending Christmas with…
(pulls out CD). Kathie Lee.
LADY: (screams in terror). AHHHHHHHH! (Then completely composes herself)
SHERIFF: (covers his ear with his hand and looks at the LADY). I hate you.
MARIAN: NO! PLEASE! NOT THAT!
ROBIN: (coldly to the PRINCE) Your heart is black!
PRINCE: Thank you!
MARIAN: (to PRINCE) No wait! Please, you cannot do this! What would be my life
without Robin Hood! (very dramatically) There would be no sunshine, for there
would be no morning. There would be no dreams come true, for there would be no
more stars to wish upon. Happiness would just be a memory. (Building up to a
climax.) I tell you, sir, spare him and you spare my heart and my soul. I cannot go
on without him! Please! Please! I beg you! Don’t take him away! NO!
(MARIAN collapses in tears as the rest of the cast looks at her blankly for a second,
then applauds her. ROBIN breaks away from the GUARD, takes MARIAN’s hand, leads
her center stage. She takes a bow to AUDIENCE, as the cast still applauds her. The
TOWN’S GUY enters with a bouquet of roses. He hands them to her, then joins the cast
in applauding her)