Audition scenes: ROBIN HOOD
CHARACTERS in Audition scenes
ROBIN HOOD: leader of the outlaws; a likeable and wise-cracking hero (much like the heroes of Aladdin
or Tangled)
SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM: protector of Sherwood Forest; tries hard to be an authority figure but is
terrified of PRINCE JOHN
PRINCE LITTLE JOHN: acting ruler of England; the ultimate villain—who also has many of the comic lines
in the script (much like a tall Lord Farquaad)
DARK MONK: an imposing figure with the face of a skeleton who haunts Sherwood Forest
CONSTABLE WATT: a overly-talkative assistant to the Sheriff, always trying to seem smarter than he
really is
EADOM O'THE BLUE BOAR: a bad-tempered, cowardly innkeeper
DICCON: a timid soldier
GIL: a timid soldier
ELLIS: a talkative and superstitious servant at the Blue Boar
JEMMY BROWN: another talkative and superstitious servant at the Blue Boar
PICK: Queen Eleanor’s young servant, eager to be helpful
CRAZY BERTIE: the town fortune teller who gets sudden visions of the future
SCENE 1: TWO PEOPLE—PRINCE JOHN, SHERIFF
PRINCE JOHN: All right, all right, but I’m warning you now this had better be good news.
SHERIFF: Well, sire, it’s actually. . .uh. . .RATHER good news. . .partly. That is, the escort for Maid Marian
has got safely through the forest and has arrived at the castle. I led it personally.
PRINCE JOHN: That IS good news. Excellent, Sheriff. Now where’s the wench? When can I see her?
SHERIFF: That, sire, as a small part of the news which is perhaps not quite as good.
PRINCE JOHN: What? Have you brought me bad news?
SHERIFF: Not really BAD news, sire, exactly—
PRINCE JOHN: Doesn’t she want to see me?
SHERIFF: Oh, no, sire. I’m sure she’d LOVE to see you. It’s just that you can’t see here quite yet.
PRINCE JOHN: Yes, I can. I’m the Prince. I run the realm. I rule the roost. I’m the chief goose of the
gander, the leader of the pack, the Queen’s representative on earth. I can see her any time I want
to.
SHERIFF: Except when she’s not here.
PRINCE JOHN: Well, of course I can’t see her when she’s not here. I’m not the Holy Ghost. That’s why I
want you to bring her in so I can see her.
SHERIFF: But that’s why you can’t see her, sire.
PRINCE JOHN: What have you brought me—an invisible woman?
SHERIFF: No, sire.
PRINCE JOHN: THEN WHY CAN’T I SEE HER?
SHERIFF: Because she isn’t here.
PRINCE JOHN: I KNOW SHE ISN’T HERE—THAT’S WHY I CAN’T SEE HER.
SHERIFF: Exactly.
SCENE 2: FOUR GUYS: ELLIS, EADOM, CRAZY BERTIE, DARK MONK
CRAZY BERTIE: Bad things comin’ this way. I just turned up the Death card) Getting’ closer. Slatherin’
through the woods to us—next thing, ‘twill be knocking on the door. (Off-stage, the Dark Monk
gives a knock on the door.)
ELLIS: Don’t answer it.
EADOM: Do you think I’m afraid of a knock on me own door?
CRAZY BERTIE: Go to the door, boys, and let Death in.
EADOM: Jemmy, you answer it.
ELLIS: Eadom, you coward, shame on you! You get it.
EADOM: If you’re so brave, you answer it! (THE DARK MONK pushes the door open.)
DARK MONK: Where is the one they call Robin Hood?
ELLIS: He’s not here.
DARK MONK: I can see he’s not here. Where can I find him?
EADOM: We don’t know.
DARK MONK: I think you will tell me, and you will tell me now.
EADOM: He may be heading to North Oxford.
ELLIS: Eadom!
EADOM: He may be, I say. And then again, maybe not.
ELLIS: Just what be your business with him, sir?
DARK MONK: Do not be so anxious to pry too deeply into the darker crevices of why and wherefore,
boy. There are things you think you want to know. . .but you truly do not. I thank you for your
kindness, boy, and I hope to see you again soon. I’m especially drawn to you young people—
you have such tender flesh! Good night, my friends. (Exits.)
ELLIS: You shouldn’t have told him where Robin was.
CRAZY BERTIE: Can you smell death? There was death in this place.
ELLIS: Someone needs to warn Robin.
CRAZY BERTIE: You’d best not go out tonight if you know what’s good for you
SCENE 3: TWO GUYS: PICK, CONSTABLE
PICK: Well, read it!
CONSTABLE: What?
PICK: Read the proclamation.
CONSTABLE: I can’t read.
PICK: Then say something!
CONSTABLE: Like what?
PICK: Don’t leave us standin’ here with these bloody trumpets and nothing to proclaim!
CONSTABLE: A proclaymation concerning robin hood. Prince john proclaims that if the aforeskinned
Robin Hood—
PICK: Aforesaid!
CONSTABLE: If the AFORESAID Robin Hood doth give himself up to the Sheriff of Nottingham by the set
of sun on Market Day in the courtyard of Nottingham Castle, then Prince John will desist in the
plans to cut down Sherwood Forest .
PICK: (Prompting.) King Richard.
CONSTABLE: What?
PICK: Say the bit about King Richard.
CONSTABLE: Right. Prince John doth further proclaim that he has news of good King Richard the
Lionhearted that he will share with the world at sundown tomorrow in the Courtyard of
Nottingham Castle. . .uh, hear ye, hear ye. . .sis boom bah. . .world without end, amen, amen!
(The trumpets blare. The CONSTABLE falls over.)
SCENE 4: FOUR GUYS: GIL, SHERIFF, CONSTABLE, DICCON
GIL: Does that mean we’re lost?
SHERIFF: Lost? Oh, no, we’re not lost. (Fake laugh.) Lost are we? (Fake laugh.) Us lost? (Fake laugh.) We? Lost?
(Fake laugh.)
GIL: I take it that means yes.
CONSTABLE: Do not fear, lads, for I never in my lost was lost, not even the time I run into a tree on a night as black
as my cat’s rump hair, and didst stagger headfirstwise WUNK, into a boghole that smelt like the place
cheese goes to die, but I wasn’t lost, for they did nose me out from a mile or three distant on account of
the sumphole stench was all about my person, so I was found comparatively quick, through I was not too
popular for a fortnight after, except with my brother’s uncle’s pig which fell enamoured of me and had to
be sold.
SHERIFF: Then, Constable, where exactly are we?
CONSTABLE: Same place we was half an hour ago. In fact, we been here several times today.
SHERIFF: You mean we’ve been going around in circles?
CONSTABLE: No, sir, we’ve just been coming back to the same location.
SHERIFF: I think you’re right. I recognize this place.
CONSTABLE: Then you’re not lost, are you?
SHERIFF: But where exactly are we on the map?
CONSTABLE: Oh, we ain’t on the map, sir. We’re in the forest—you can tell by all the trees.
SHERIFF: I tell you, this is not a safe place to stop in.
GIL: Are there bears? I’m deathly afraid of bears.
CONSTABLE: Me uncle Dob was et by a bear in the woods. ‘Twas a tragical thing, let me tell you. He’d gone off to
do what no man could do for him—if you take my meaning—and the bear smelt him out. It was tragical.
SHERIFF: There are no bears in these parts.
GIL: Thank goodness.
SHERIFF: Wolves maybe.
GIL: Wolves?
SHERIFF: But i’s not spooks or wolves that we need to worry about—it’s outlaws.
GIL: Outlaws? I(Screams in terror.)