ROBIN HOOD: leader of the outlaws; a likeable and wise-cracking hero (much like the heroes of Aladdin or Tangled)
SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM: protector of Sherwood Forest; tries hard to be an authority figure but is terrified of PRINCE JOHN
PRINCE LITTLE JOHN: acting ruler of England; the ultimate villain—who also has many of the comic lines in the script (much like a tall Lord Farquaad)
DARK MONK: an imposing figure with the face of a skeleton who haunts Sherwood Forest
CONSTABLE WATT: a overly-talkative assistant to the Sheriff, always trying to seem smarter than he really is
EADOM O'THE BLUE BOAR: a bad-tempered, cowardly innkeeper
DICCON: a timid soldier
GIL: a timid soldier
ELLIS: a talkative and superstitious servant at the Blue Boar
JEMMY BROWN: another talkative and superstitious servant at the Blue Boar
PICK: Queen Eleanor’s young servant, eager to be helpful
CRAZY BERTIE: the town fortune teller who gets sudden visions of the future
Female
MAID MARIAN: the spunky fiancée of Prince John who falls in love with Robin Hood

PRINCE JOHN: All right, all right, but I’m warning you now this had better be good news.
SHERIFF: Well, sire, it’s actually. . .uh. . .RATHER good news. . .partly. That is, the escort for Maid Marian has got safely through the forest and has arrived at the castle. I led it personally.
PRINCE JOHN: That IS good news. Excellent, Sheriff. Now where’s the wench? When can I see her?
SHERIFF: That, sire, as a small part of the news which is perhaps not quite as good.
PRINCE JOHN: What? Have you brought me bad news?
SHERIFF: Not really BAD news, sire, exactly—
PRINCE JOHN: Doesn’t she want to see me?
SHERIFF: Oh, no, sire. I’m sure she’d LOVE to see you. It’s just that you can’t see here quite yet.
PRINCE JOHN: Yes, I can. I’m the Prince. I run the realm. I rule the roost. I’m the chief goose of the gander, the leader of the pack, the Queen’s representative on earth. I can see her any time I want to.
SHERIFF: Except when she’s not here.
PRINCE JOHN: Well, of course I can’t see her when she’s not here. I’m not the Holy Ghost. That’s why I want you to bring her in so I can see her.
SHERIFF: But that’s why you can’t see her, sire.
PRINCE JOHN: What have you brought me—an invisible woman?
SHERIFF: No, sire.
PRINCE JOHN: THEN WHY CAN’T I SEE HER?
SHERIFF: Because she isn’t here.
PRINCE JOHN: I KNOW SHE ISN’T HERE—THAT’S WHY I CAN’T SEE HER.
SHERIFF: Exactly.

MARIAN: I do not discuss scripture with outlaws.
ROBIN: Your supper’s getting cold. Don’t you eat with outlaws, either?
MARIAN: I don’t eat food stolen from the mouths of honest people.
ROBIN: My girl, you’ve been eating food stolen from the mouths of honest people all your life.
MARIAN: I am not your girl, and I’ve never done any such thing.
ROBIN: What does your father do for a living?
MARIAN: You know perfectly well what he does. He’s a nobleman, so he doesn’t do anything. (A beat.)
What I mean is—
ROBIN: He’s a landlord.
MARIAN: We have peasants living and working on our land, yes.
ROBIN: Do you pay many visits to the people who live on your father’s land?
MARIAN: We pass by quite often in our coach. (A beat.) They wave at us.
ROBIN: How many fingers do they hold up?

CRAZY BERTIE: Bad things comin’ this way. I just turned up the Death card) Getting’ closer. Slatherin’ through the woods to us—next thing, ‘twill be knocking on the door. (Off-stage, the Dark Monk gives a knock on the door.)
ELLIS: Don’t answer it.
EADOM: Do you think I’m afraid of a knock on me own door?
CRAZY BERTIE: Go to the door, boys, and let Death in.
EADOM: Jemmy, you answer it.
ELLIS: Eadom, you coward, shame on you! You get it.
EADOM: If you’re so brave, you answer it! (THE DARK MONK pushes the door open.)
DARK MONK: Where is the one they call Robin Hood?
ELLIS: He’s not here.
DARK MONK: I can see he’s not here. Where can I find him?
EADOM: We don’t know.
DARK MONK: I think you will tell me, and you will tell me now.
EADOM: He may be heading to North Oxford.
ELLIS: Eadom!
EADOM: He may be, I say. And then again, maybe not.
ELLIS: Just what be your business with him, sir?
DARK MONK: Do not be so anxious to pry too deeply into the darker crevices of why and wherefore, boy. There are things you think you want to know. . .but you truly do not. I thank you for your kindness, boy, and I hope to see you again soon. I’m especially drawn to you young people— you have such tender flesh! Good night, my friends. (Exits.)
ELLIS: You shouldn’t have told him where Robin was.
CRAZY BERTIE: Can you smell death? There was death in this place.
ELLIS: Someone needs to warn Robin.
CRAZY BERTIE: You’d best not go out tonight if you know what’s good for you

PICK: Well, read it!
CONSTABLE: What?
PICK: Read the proclamation.
CONSTABLE: I can’t read.
PICK: Then say something!
CONSTABLE: Like what?
PICK: Don’t leave us standin’ here with these bloody trumpets and nothing to proclaim!
CONSTABLE: A proclaymation concerning robin hood. Prince john proclaims that if the aforeskinned
Robin Hood—
PICK: Aforesaid!
CONSTABLE: If the AFORESAID Robin Hood doth give himself up to the Sheriff of Nottingham by the set of sun on Market Day in the courtyard of Nottingham Castle, then Prince John will desist in the plans to cut down Sherwood Forest .
PICK: (Prompting.) King Richard.
CONSTABLE: What?
PICK: Say the bit about King Richard.
CONSTABLE: Right. Prince John doth further proclaim that he has news of good King Richard the
Lionhearted that he will share with the world at sundown tomorrow in the Courtyard of
Nottingham Castle. . .uh, hear ye, hear ye. . .sis boom bah. . .world without end, amen, amen!
(The trumpets blare. The CONSTABLE falls over.)

PRINCE JOHN: One moment? Who dares say one moment? Who dares interrupt the monarch and supreme ruler?
DARK MONK: The true monarch.
PRINCE JOHN: I am the true monarch.
DARK MONK: My kingdom is greater than yours.
PRINCE JOHN: Treason! Now, let’s see who we’re dealing with. Let’s take off your hood. (Pulls off his hood, revealing a skeleton face. The people gasp.)
DARK MONK: Do you dare lay hands on Death himself!
PRINCE JOHN: Good heavens, what are you people afraid of. This is not Death. This is a man in a skeleton mask. Did none of you ever trick or treat? Have you not heard of Mardi Gras? Have none of you seen Phantom of the Opera? Can’t you see this creature is not dead?
DARK MONK: Then you contradict yourself for you yourself told these people I was dead.
PRINCE JOHN: No, I said my brother, King Richard, was dead.
DARK MONK: Then you told a lie, Johnny. Shame on you. (He whips off his mask.)Your brother has come home again.
PRINCE JOHN: Oh, dear. I’m late for my zither lesson.
DARK MONK: Seize him.

GIL: Does that mean we’re lost?
SHERIFF: Lost? Oh, no, we’re not lost. (Fake laugh.) Lost are we? (Fake laugh.) Us lost? (Fake laugh.)
We? Lost? (Fake laugh.)
DICCON: I take it that means yes.
CONSTABLE: Do not fear, lads, for I never in my lost was lost, not even the time I run into a tree on a night as black as my cat’s rump hair, and didst stagger headfirstwise WUNK, into a boghole that smelt like the place cheese goes to die, but I wasn’t lost, for they did nose me out from a mile or three distant on account of the sumphole stench was all about my person, so I was found comparatively quick, through I was not too popular for a fortnight after, except with my brother’s uncle’s pig which fell enamoured of me and had to be sold.
SHERIFF: Then, Constable, where exactly are we?
CONSTABLE: Same place we was half an hour ago. In fact, we been here several times today.
SHERIFF: You mean we’ve been going around in circles?
CONSTABLE: No, sir, we’ve just been coming back to the same location.
SHERIFF: I think you’re right. I recognize this place.
CONSTABLE: Then you’re not lost, are you?
SHERIFF: But where exactly are we on the map?
CONSTABLE: Oh, we ain’t on the map, sir. We’re in the forest—you can tell by all the trees.
SHERIFF: I tell you, this is not a safe place to stop in.
GIL: Are there bears?
DICCON: I’m deathly afraid of bears.
CONSTABLE: Me uncle Dob was et by a bear in the woods. ‘Twas a tragical thing, let me tell you. He’d gone off to do what no man could do for him—if you take my meaning—and the bear smelt him out. It was tragical.
SHERIFF: There are no bears in these parts.
GIL: Thank goodness.
SHERIFF: Wolves maybe.

GIL: Wolves?
DICCON: I did hear once that a Dark Monk creeps through the forest here with a death’s head for a face.
He drags you off when it’s time to do.
SHERIFF: It’s not spooks or wolves that we need to worry about—it’s outlaws.
GIL: Outlaws?
CONSTABLE: We found bits of me uncle scattered through the woods—the bear dropped pieces of him along the way like a trail of breadcrumbs. That’s how I got me lucky finger—see? (He pulls out
an embalmed finger.) I keeps it in me pocket always. . .except when bathing.
SHERIFF: Surely no outlaws in the world would be foolish enough to attack the Sheriff of Nottingham and Prince John’s finest soldiery.
GIL: Where?
DICCON: I think he means us, Gil.