Developing
Positive
Assertiveness
Jamie Johnson
johns2ja@jmu.edu
@jamesarthurjohn
PART 1
• Intro – Who am I?
• Who are you?
• Why are you here?
(Or better phrased, “What brings you here?” * What makes this “better phrased”?)
• What is assertiveness?
What assertiveness is NOT:
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Aggressive
Passive
Passive-Aggressive
*Remember:
Fight-Flight-Right and we want to do what is Right!
Aggressiveness may involve…
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Fight
Disrespecting others’ rights to retain your own
rights. Winning at all costs.
Communicating sarcastically.
Attacking the person instead of focusing on the
behavior or problem-solving.
Violating boundaries.
Attempting to control others.
[Example video]
Are there times to be aggressive?
Passiveness may involve…
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Flight
Possibly respecting others’ rights while
ignoring your own rights.
Not communicating directly when the situation
warrants it.
Allowing others to “walk on” or control you.
Allowing your boundaries to be violated.
Indecisiveness.
[Example video]
Are there times to be passive?
Passive-Aggressiveness
may involve…
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Fight-Flight pattern.
Either respecting ONLY your rights OR other’s
rights.
Not addressing the problem or behavior.
Talking about people behind their back/Gossip
Fluctuating between violating others’
boundaries or having your boundaries violated.
[Example video]
What is assertiveness?
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Right.
Respecting others’ rights as well as your own rights.
Communicating effectively, directly, and with confidence.
Dealing with conflict effectively and calmly.
Handling and receiving feedback effectively.
Setting boundaries.
Focus is on behavior and problem-solving instead of
attacking/ignoring the person.
Are the above assertive? Discuss why or why not.
Communication Styles
And Now…
No Pressure!
(I want to respect your boundaries)
Although most situations warrant assertive
behavior….
• Most of us are not assertive.
• Even those who are trained are not assertive all
the time.
• What’s your default?
Basic Techniques
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When you…I feel…I would like
iStatements
Broken record
Acknowledgement, validation, gratitude
Be proactive.
Most of these are external.
When you…I feel…I would
like:
• When you (describe the person’s behavior)
• I feel (state your emotion)
• I would like (state alternative behavior)
• Cautions….
Let’s role play 
iStatements
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An example is, “I feel…” or “I would like…”
Prevents using “You…” which may lead to
attacking the other person.
• Restate: “You are so egotistical and full of
yourself and your own ideas!” to “I would like
you to consider this idea.”
• iStatements exercise: Restate the following as
iStatements.
Let’s role play 
Broken Record
Or what I may call “skipping CD” 
The telemarketer calls during supper.
“No.”
Repeat after me: “No.”
This can be effective with guilt trips and
“games” people may play to violate
boundaries.
Let’s role play 
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Acknowledgement, Validation, Gratitude
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Receiving a compliment or feedback is an assertive
act.
• Validate that someone has spoken, even if using
minimal responses as demonstrated in active listening
skills.
• As you focus on behaviors, facts, and the problem to
be solved, make sure to validate the other person’s
feelings: “I know it was a hard day…”
• Thank you (for feedback…positive or negative) – a
life of gratitude
Let’s role play 
Be Proactive
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Take action.
You can choose.
Being reactive and defensive can result in blame:
Blaming others (aggression)
Blaming self (passivity)
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Take responsibility for your actions.
Sometimes, this may mean admitting you were wrong.
Forgiveness – surrendering the perceived right to take
revenge on another. Choosing not to take revenge. It
does not necessarily mean forgetting (Fred DiBlasio).
“Dog Poop Initiative” – Kirk Weisler
Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody
This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody,
Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be
done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could
have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry
about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody
thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that
Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up that
Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.
Where can assertiveness play a role in this?
PART 2
Developing
Positive
Assertiveness
Jamie Johnson
johns2ja@jmu.edu
@jamesarthurjohn
Advanced Techniques:
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Boundaries and expectations
De-triangulation
Conflict Resolution: Focus on behavior, problem when in
conflict.
Consider issues around your own goals and how they fuel
unhealthy cognitions.
Coping
TRUTH
Addressing faulty cognitions
Many of these are internal.
Boundaries and Expectations:
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What is a boundary?
Doesn’t have to be a wall.
Fences and Automatic Garage Doors
Dogs and Fences
“What do You Expect?” by Jamie Johnson
De-triangulation:
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Effective for dealing with gossip, enmeshment, passiveaggressiveness.
Gossip about Luke: “I heard that Luke is jealous of Han.”
“Have you checked with Luke about this?”
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Complaining about Luke: “Luke’s whining is getting on
my nerves! Why don’t you tell him to can it!”
“I think you should talk to Luke about this.”
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Try to connect the two individuals who share the problem
or issue.
Don’t become the “man-in-the-middle.”
Conflict Resolution - Focus on behavior/problem
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(Conflict may resume despite your best efforts):
Do not personalize or attack.
Describe behavior you can actually see instead of something
that could have varying definitions to the other person or
instead of emotionalizing it and attacking the person directly
or indirectly.
For example: “When you turn around when I am talking…”
as opposed to “When you ignore me…”
Instead of picturing two boxers facing one another, picture
the two of you sitting on the same side of the table focused
together on the problem on the table.
Goals:
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Desire (“I would like”) vs. Goal (“I need”) – Dr. Larry Crabb
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Remember: You don’t control the person. You can only
influence (e.g., when I called my wife who was at the library…)
Problematic Thinking:
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Aggressive thinking (anger) can occur when your inappropriate
goals are blocked.
Anxious thinking can occur when your inappropriate goals are
uncertain.
Hopeless/defeated/depressed thinking can occur when your
inappropriate goals are deemed unreachable.
What is your goal? Is it appropriate?
Do you control everything to make that goal happen?
If not, then change your goal to a desire, especially if another
person is involved.
If you do not get your desire, you can feel disappointment
instead of anger.
(Crabb/Morrison)
Problematic Thinking continued:
Maybe not as simple as goals in some cases:
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Where are you not experiencing peace?
Where is the conflict? Where are you “flapping”?
What’s the source?
Is it coming at you or is it drumming up feelings of a time when
it came at you?
Ask yourself what the threat is, if it is really or why it is a threat
(perception) and what you can learn from it.
Are you willing to be vulnerable with someone whom you can
trust?
(Randy Weber, PhD)
Problematic Thinking continued:
•Anger from aggressive thinking can be a mask for a another
emotion such as disappointment, sadness, anxiety, fear, or
hurt (and you want to protect yourself).
•People can influence us to become angry, but cannot
“make” us angry since anger comes from our beliefs. No
one can make you aggressive.
•Anger is not always a bad thing. There are times to be
aggressive. When?
•“A moderate amount of anxiety accomplishes much.” This
means anxiety is not always a bad thing. When?
Challenge Unhealthy Cognitions:
•A – B – C - D
A = Activating Event – What happened?
B = Belief – What are your beliefs behind the emotion?
C = Emotional Consequence – What do you feel?
D = Dispute – Dispute the irrational beliefs.
•What are the conflict, choices, and consequences?
*** What can you change/not change? ***
Coping:
•A psychological crisis may exist if one of the following
is missing:
A support network
A realistic perception of the event
A history of healthy coping skills (techniques)
•SOURCE: Donna C. Aguilera
•What’s the application for assertiveness?
TRUTH model by Jamie Johnson:
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Trigger event
wRong thinking
Unhealthy responses ruled out
Truth about the situation
Healthy response
Irrational Thinking/
Faulty Cognitions:
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Focused on the details
Emotional Reasoning
Magnification
Overgeneralization
Personalization
Splitting
Focused on the details:
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STUCK ON THE DETAILS (selective abstraction)
Focusing on one detail and missing the big picture. Looking at
one tree and missing the forest.
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SOLUTION:
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What is the big picture?
What is true considering all things?
Emotional Reasoning:
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How I feel is what I think.
SOLUTION:
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Call an emotion what it is and change the thoughts that lead
to it.
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Magnification:
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Making things bigger than what they really are.
“Making mountains out of molehills.”
“Majoring in the minors.”
SOLUTION:
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What is the true size???
Overgeneralization:
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Believing that one thing that happens is true for all
things.
SOLUTION:
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What is true and realistic?
Is this a way to try to avoid responsibility and not work for
change?
It rained today.
I guess it will rain EVERY day. 
Personalization:
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Taking things personally.
Thinking everything is meant about you.
SOLUTION:
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Let what someone else says tell about them.
What do you think? Is it true?
Splitting:
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All or None thinking
Only 2 choices – All or None
A version of fight or flight
SOLUTION:
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Think of more ideas besides the 2 choices
Applications for this material:
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Work
“10 Ways to Work With People You Hate” – Baseline Magazine http://socialmediamob.blogspot.com/2012/02/10-ways-to-work-with-people-you-hate.html
How To Manage Conflict At Work - http://theundercoverrecruiter.com/manage-conflict-work-info/
“13 Habits of Exceptionally Likeable People – Dr. Travis Bradberry - https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/13-habitsexceptionally-likeable-people-dr-travis-bradberry
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Family, especially extended family
Customer Service
Conflict
Others?
DEVELOPING AN
ASSERTIVENESS PLAN:
Have you “USED” “SWOT”?
USED:
Use/Stop/Exploit/Defend
SWOT:
Strengths/Weaknesses/Opportunities/Threats
Questions
and
Answers
SOURCES by Topics (in bold):
Overview and some psychotherapeutic materials: Johnson, James “Jamie” Arthur, M.A. (former
LPC). (1999-2004).
iStatements: Johnson, James “Jamie” Arthur, M.A. (former LPC). (2002-2014). iStatements Excercise.
TRUTH model: Johnson, James “Jamie” Arthur, M.A. (former LPC). (2002). Truth Model.
Expectations: Johnson, James “Jamie” Arthur, M.A. (former LPC). (2008). “What do you expect?”.
Online: http://beacondeacon.com/ichthus/personal/WhatDoYouExpect.htm.
Personal Self-Assessment: "Developing Positive Assertiveness" training presented by Marisa Geisser
and Michelle Grilli and indirectly from the sources thereof:
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Covey, S.R. (1999). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. New York: First Fireside edition.
Dombeck, M. & Wells-Moran, J. (2006). Setting Boundaries Appropriately: Assertiveness Training.
Retrieved October 2, 2008 from http://mentalhelp.net
Keeps, E.J., Stolovitch, H.D. (2002). Telling Ain’t Training. Baltimore: Victor Graphics.
Lloyd, S.R. (2002). Developing Positive Assertiveness: Third Edition. USA:
Von Hoffman Graphics Inc.
SOURCES by Topics - continued:
Assertiveness Video: CRM Learning (2008). Being Assertive (DVD). http://www.crmlearning.com
“When you...I feel...I would like”: Glanzer, James, LPC, Family Life Resource Center. Harrisonburg, VA.
Forgiveness: DiBlasio, Frederick A., PhD. University of Maryland School of Social Work.
Being Proactive: Weisler, Kirk A. (2005). The Dog Poop Initiative. Team Dynamics, Inc.
Problematic Thinking and Goals: Morrison, John, FBC Pastor of Family Life, Winchester, VA; Weber
PhD, Randy, Psychologist, Charis Institute, Harrisonburg, VA; Johnson, James “Jamie” Arthur, M.A.
(former LPC), Harrisonburg, VA.
Goals/Desires: Crabb, Dr. Larry (1992). The Marriage Builder. Zondervan.
REBT/ABCD: Ellis, A., and Harper, R.A. (1975). A New Guide to Rational Living. N. Hollywood, CA:
Wilshire Books. * NOTE: A-B-C-D model online at
http://kap.samhsa.gov/products/manuals/pdfs/anger1.pdf (2002, p. 33).
SOURCES by Topics - continued:
Crisis: Aguilera, Donna C. (1998). Crisis Intervention: Theory and Methodology. St. Louis, MO:
Mosby.
SWOT: Armstrong, Michael. (1996). Management Processes and Functions. London: Hyperion
Books.
Faulty Cognitions/CBT: Burns, David D. and Beck, Aaron T. (1999). Feeling Good: The New Mood
Therapy. Collins Living.
Triangulation: McGoldrick, Monica. (2008). Genograms: Assessment and Intervention. W. W.
Norton & Company.
Work Challenges: Lawinski, Jennifer. (2012). “10 Ways to Work With People You Hate.” Baseline
Magazine. http://socialmediamob.blogspot.com/2012/02/10-ways-to-work-with-people-youhate.html.
SOURCES by Topics - continued:
Work Challenges - continued:
Abilene Christian University. (2013). “How To Manage Conflict At Work.” Undercover Recruiter.
http://theundercoverrecruiter.com/manage-conflict-work-info/.
Dr. Travis Bradberry (2015), co-author of Emotional Intelligence 2.0. “13 Habits of Exceptionally
Likeable People.” https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/13-habits-exceptionally-likeable-people-drtravis-bradberry.