Healthy
Boundaries
Objectives
•What
are boundaries?
•Why we need to set healthy boundaries?
•How we set healthy boundaries?
Healthy Boundaries
What are boundaries?
Boundaries define what is me and what is not
me. They are the limits you set around time,
who you let into your life, what activities you
undertake. Good boundaries mean that you
spend your time and energy wisely.
Boundaries also protect– they keep you ‘safe’
and support your wellbeing. You began
learning boundaries as a child.
To keep a lamp burning, we
have to keep putting oil in it.
(Mother Theresa)
Boundaries are what protect
our integrity, our rights and
our sense of self, by
distinguishing our feelings and
needs from those of others.
Boundary setting is a way to
support yourself and others.
One of the skills we can use in
setting healthy boundaries is
to be assertive.
Assertive – what does it
mean?
Understanding and exercising your
rights, expressing them clearly and
directly, while being aware of and
respecting the rights of others.
What is aggression?
Directly standing up for your rights
and expressing your thoughts,
feelings and beliefs in a way that is
often dishonest, usually inappropriate
and always violates the rights of other
people.
What is non assertion?
Violating your own rights by failing
to express honest feelings, thoughts
and beliefs and consequently
permitting others to violate your
rights.
Key Points about
Assertiveness
•Assertiveness
is a skill that can be learned
•Everyone has their own ‘style’ – there’s no one
right way to be assertive
•Assertiveness is a choice – you can choose to be
assertive or not
•Assertiveness involves knowing yourself and
what you want
•Assertiveness can mean taking a risk and the
responsibility for the consequences
If I act submissively towards you I convey to
you that you count but I am unimportant.
If I act aggressively towards you I convey to
you that I count but you are unimportant.
If I act assertively towards you I convey to you
that we both count and are both important.
What is assertive
communication?
Assertive communication allows you to clarify
communication and stand up for yourself
without making things worse or getting a
negative result or response.
Four steps to Assertive
Communication
Step 1 – Send clear messages
To communicate clearly, look at your
posture and your facial expressions,
as well as your hand and arm
movements. Pay special attention to
your tone of voice which can say
volumes beyond your words.
Step 2 – Learn how to listen
Assertive people have developed their
listening skills. While hearing is
done with your ears, true listening is
done with your heart. To be a better
communicator, start by becoming a
better listener.
Step 3 – Start the conversation with “I feel”
rather than “you should”
Words have tremendous power to determine
how other people experience us, and how they
respond to an issue.
For this reason, people with good assertive
communication skills focus on the problem
behavior (and not the character of the person),
stick to the point, don’t use labels, and make “I”
statements rather than “you” statements.
Step 4 – Acknowledge your part in the conflict
Anger is often an escalating process, involving 2 people
who create a negative feeling in each other, sometimes
instantly and sometimes over a long period of time. It is
natural to blame someone else entirely for the problem,
especially when we are angry or in a defensive mode.
But, once we return to normal, the assertive
communicator is able to accept some of the
responsibility for the conflict. This acceptance and
acknowledgment of your contribution to the problem is
an indication of emotional maturity and can create an
entirely different atmosphere.
Whole messages or
Empathetic Assertion
we speak in shorthand – give half a
message. For example “I haven’t got time to
take you to the park today.”
•The whole message might be: “I wish I could
take you to the park today, but I don’t have
time. I’d love to take you another day.”
•Whole messages show understanding even if
you are unable to meet the request.
•Often
“I understand that you ….. but I
……” eg “I understand that you are feeling
lonely today, but I am unable to stay any
longer.”
•Empathetic Assertion expresses an attempt
to put yourself in the other’s shoes as well as
giving a self assertive message. It is a
friendly and gentle way of being assertive.
•Empathetic assertion affirms the need but
offers a polite refusal.
•Formula:
Whole message or
Empathetic Assertion
•Affirm
the need but give polite
refusal
•Express understanding, but say ‘no’
FORMULA
I understand that you ….but I ……
Practice with these examples
I understand that you ……….but I ….…..
•Can
you lend me your car tomorrow? I need to get to
the library.
•Would you just do these extra jobs after you have
finished your regular jobs today?
•Could you just stay half an hour more? I am lonely.
•Could we just stop at the supermarket, chemist, bank
and post office on the way home from the doctors?
•I know you just came to visit, but could you please
weed the garden for me?
Setting appropriate limits
•People
caring for others often have difficulty
setting appropriate limits and protecting
themselves.
•Most people (except 2 year olds) find saying
‘no’ hard.
•Some ways of saying no are better than others,
depending on the situation. If a child is about to
run on the road, you yell ‘no’ without giving
reason. There are more friendly ways of saying
‘no’ if you wish to refuse a request.
•Sometimes
it is tempting to say ‘no’ with
white lies or false reasons. This can lead you
into deep water.
•The best way is through empathetic assertion:
express understanding, make a polite refusal.
•If the other person is a bit manipulative,
avoid making suggestions about other ways of
solving the problem.
Remember that you have the right to say ‘no’.
Practice Saying NO
•Saying
NO without explanation
•Saying NO with false reasons
•Saying NO and suggesting alternatives
•Saying an empathetic NO
“I understand that you …. but I am not …. because …..”
Sample scenarios
•I’m having a party tonight and I’d like to borrow your
CD player.
•Come and have dinner with me tomorrow night.
•Can you do some weeding for me today?