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Volume
McDonald’s Crew Person
McDonald’s:Basic
Manual
Beginner’s Manual: A Few Honest Words
Corporate Doesn’t Want You to Know
 McDonald’s Corporation
2111 McDonald’s Drive
Oak Brook, IL 60523
Phone 630.623.3000 • Fax 203.555.0168
Table of Contents
Welcome! ................................................................................. 1
Rule 1: Lie ................................................................................ 1
Rule 2: Be Courteous………………………………………………2
Rule 3: Smile, Kind of ............................................................... 3
Rule 4: Hold Your Tongue ........................................................ 4
Rule 5: Ears Open.................................................................... 6
Rule 6: Employees Can Be Unbearable Too ............................ 7
Farewell ................................................................................... 7
A Brief History of Slogans
McDonald’s is your kind of place - You deserve a break today - We do it all for you You, you’re the one - Nobody can do it like McDonald’s can - You deserve a break
today - Nobody makes your day like McDonald’s can - McDonald’s and you - It’s a
good time for the great taste of McDonald’s - It’s Mac Tonight- Good time, great
taste (that’s why this is our place) - There’s nothing quite like a McDonald’s - Food,
folks and fun - McDonald’s today - What you want is what you get - Do you believe
in magic? - Have you had your break today? - My McDonald’s - Did somebody say
McDonald’s? - It can happen - We love to see you smile - Put a smile on- Make
every time a good time - Smile - I’m lovin’ it
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Chapter
Welcome!
Thank you for selecting McDonald’s as your current place of
employment. We appreciate your willingness to be criticized by the
obese, ignorant, and impoverished members of your community on
a daily basis.
T
he opportunity to work at McDonald’s is different depending on the person.
For high school students, it’s job experience. For college students, it’s a way to
pay the tuition. For adults, it’s a haven in a downed economy. And for
recovering drug abusers, it acts as a halfway house without the joy of knowing
you’ll eventually leave.
If this is your first time working for McDonald’s then you’re yet to experience the
pleasure of reconstituted onions odorously staining your hands for two to three days
since our health department doesn’t require workers to wear gloves when preparing
food. Prepare for customers to throw a happy meal in your face because it didn’t
contain napkins. Prepare to climb through the Playplace tunnels looking for a puddle
of urine that you must clean with paper towels and a bottle of sanitizer spray. Prepare
for vehicles who feel they’ve waited too long in drive-thru to drive over the curb
separating the drive-thru from the employee parking scuffing, your car in the process.
Prepare for automated beverage machines that were probably assembled by the same
people that made the copy machine in the movie Office Space. Prepare for elderly men
to dig through the trash until they find a discarded coffee cup, go to the bathroom and
wash the cup out, then go up to the front counter and ask for a refill. Prepare for the
word “mocha” to be pronounced moh-chah, mah-kah, and mah-chah. If these events
seem like the least tolerable things that could happen, then prepare for worse.
If you want to leave this company with your patience intact, quit reading right
now and run like Hell towards the door.
Note:
Rule 1: Lie
We’re certainly not suggesting that you should say “Oh, that’s not sawdust on your
burger, that’s just garlic salt,” but it’s still important to keep the peace with a few choice
lies. In any given day at McDonald’s, at least one customer is going to lie to you, so it
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is only fair that you pay them the same courtesy. One of the most prevalent lies you
will hear is that “I drove to [this place] before I realized my order was wrong.” If you
tell the truth and say you don’t believe them, chances are they will throw the old
“customer is always right” excuse into their bullshit plight. Therefore, give them the
food (since it’s already been sitting in the cabinets for two hours anyway), say you’re
sorry, and send them on their merry way to go scam an order of Chicken Fries from
the nearby Burger King.
It’s not always essential to lie. Sometimes, a white lie will suffice quite nicely. In the
1990’s, a McDonald’s executive testified that soft drinks were nutritious because they
contained water, which was part of a balanced diet. We are dead ass serious about
lying to people, so much that we will swear to it.
About Scammers
Scammers are a significant part of the McDonald’s culture. They will use very
common cons such as “I ordered this last time and was told to come back…” and are
well aware that they can get away with the exact same grift several times before the
managers start to wise up. Even when they do, they’ll still give them their order and
say that the next time they’re caught, they’ll call the police (See? Managers lie too.) And
even if you call them out, they still have the “customer is always right” defense. Give
them what they want, and just let them go.
Rule 2: Be Courteous
It seems rather redundant after the first step, but it’s important that the customers
know that they are respected, even when they typically aren’t.
You always
Treat every single customer equally, from the fat kid who orders
screwed up the
order. No matter a large McFlurry at eight in the morning to the teenager who
either just smoked weed or has a terrible case of pinkeye. Paying
what.
your respects by acknowledging this idea will do wonders for the
customers’ appreciation.
Be welcoming of people’s poverty. If a customer in drive-thru hands you a baggie full
of nickels and dimes, take it graciously and count every last coin. If they apologize, tell
them that you’ve seen worse, whether it’s a lie or not. If you are lying, a good
suggestion would be an elderly woman who handed you a pill bottle full of pennies to
pay for her senior citizen’s coffee.
And this doesn’t necessarily apply to living customers. Have a moment of silence for a
regular customer that you found out has passed away. Make sure all employees are
aware of who it was as well. Take this example.
“Hey, did you hear that one of our regulars just passed away?”
“Oh no. Who was it?”
“The guy who wore the giant, yellow headphones.”
“Who?”
“The guy who always ordered a senior citizen’s iced tea.”
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“Who?”
“The guy who smelled all the time?”
“Ohhhh…How’d he die?”
Rule 3: Smile, Kind of
It’s necessary to extinguish all forms of happiness the minute you clock in. Delete your
cheerful smile and implant a fake and seemingly sincere one in its place. For no matter
how optimistic you are when you start, you will break, and a false smile is much easier
to contain when a customer is bitching that you put too much mayonnaise on their
McChicken that they ordered with light mayo. It may take a little while to adapt your
fake smile to your environment, but it will be worth it, because they are much easier to
hold in times of stress. Look how convincing the fake smiles of the two employees are
in the picture below.
Be careful though. Customers who are very upset will see
through a fake smile. Your grin won’t hold up so well against a
businesswoman who is still waiting on three cookies she decided to order right before a
board meeting. In the situation, try to keep your head down, so she doesn’t see you
chuckling at how absolutely ridiculous she would look having to explain that she was
late for a board meeting because her cookies at McDonald’s weren’t quite ready.
Warning
Try this: Practice looking in the mirror and smiling for real.
Pay close attention to your
facial structure. Do your cheeks rise? Does your jaw stretch? Are your eyes squinted?
Now, imagine something really aggravating you’ve seen on the job, such as a kid in
drive-thru, who opens the car door, sets his cup on the ground, and closes the door
when there’s a trash can less than ten feet away from him. Try fake smiling when
thinking about this while matching the facial composition of a genuine smile.
Within every
“smile” is a “lie” (If
you mix the letters
up)
Another thing you could try doing is looking at the cashiers of
any other store in the whole world. At least one person is
putting up a fake smile. And if you’re feeling really gutsy, try
provoking an argument to see how their smile changes when
they feel threatened. Also, employees are encouraged to visit
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Vector Marketing to examine false smiles at their very finest.
Note
Remember: It’s service with a smile!
Rule 4: Hold Your Tongue
Do you know what the difference is between people who go to
bars and people who go to McDonald’s. In a bar, people are
drunk and realize that their lives are horrible. At McDonald’s,
people are sober and don’t. You are going to hear it all in your time at McDonalds.
People may be misinformed or are familiar with the policies of another McDonalds
and simply believe that the same rules apply to your location. All the words that pour
through your head when a misinformed or disgruntled customer tells you what’s true
and what isn’t must be kept at bay. Here are several examples of what to say and what
you may be thinking.
Remember: They
are always right
“Thank you for choosing McDonald’s. How may I help you?”
“Yes I’d like a number two. Make it a large, with a sweet tea.”
“And will that be all?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
Your total will be a small chunk of my patience at the first drive-thru window.
“Thank you for choosing McDonald’s. How may I help you?”
“I want three small waters.”
Seriously? Do you not have running water in your mobile home?
“Okay. Go ahead and pull around to the second drive-thru window.”
“Thank you for choosing McDonald’s. How may I help you?”
“Are you ready?”
No, I’m asking if I can help you because I’m preoccupied.
“Uh-huh. You can order whenever you’re ready.”
“Thank you for choosing McDonald’s. How may I help you?”
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“I’d like a Big Mac meal, with no onions and no pickle. Extra sauce.”
For God’s sake. You do realize the sauce has onions and pickles in it, right?
“Will that be all?”
“Hi there. It’ll be $2.20.”
“Actually, can I add something to my order?”
No, because it must not have been that important if you forgot.
“Sure, what would you like?”
“Thank you for choosing McDonald’s. How may I help you?”
“I’d like a cheeseburger, small fries, and a small drink.”
“And what would you like to drink?”
“I want a cheeseburger, small fries, and a small drink.”
Okay, you’re getting Coke.
“Will that be all?”
“What?”
“Will that be all?”
“I can’t hear you.”
WILL THAT BE FUCKING ALL?!!
“Will that be all?”
“I still can’t hear you.”
Good God.
“Your total is going to be $3.29 at the first drive-thru window.”
“What?”
“Thank you for choosing McDonald’s. I’ll be with you in just a moment.”
“I’d like two McChickens…”
I said I’ll be with you in a fucking minute!
“Did you want those in meals?”
“Thank you for choosing McDonald’s. How may I help you?”
“Yes, I’d like a vanilla iced coffee.”
“What size?”
“A VANILLA…ICED…COFFEE.”
“What size?”
“Oh, I’m sorry.”
No you’re not, because I’ll be doing this same damn routine next week.
“You’re fine.”
“Thank you for choosing McDonald’s. How may I help you?”
“I’d like a chocolate shake.”
“What size?”
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“Regular.”
Regular is not a size. When you’re in a clothing store and a customer asks what you’re size
is, do you reply “regular”. Probably not, you manatee.
“Anything else?”
“May I help you?”
“Yes, I ordered a double fish filet and I only got one fish patty. Can’t you
count?”
Of course I can count. Can you count the number of fingers I’m about to put up?
“I’m sorry about that…”
“It’s okay, because I’m never coming here again.”
Seriously, how miserable is your life? How worthless are you that you have to bitch about
something that is so fucking obsolete?
“Okay, well come again. Have a good day!”
Just keep your cool. Confrontation only proves that your life is just as miserable as
theirs.
Rule 5: Ears Open
There will be at least five beeps or bells going off at any given point on a typical day.
Memorize the following list so you only have to bear the screeches of miscellaneous
machines for a few moments:
1. Constant, high-pitched beep: Q’er (why it’s not called a microwave is beyond
our understanding of 20th century technology)
2. C, B-flat, C (one octave lower): Oven or wash/sanitize hands
3. Five beeps: Fried products are done
4. Jaws theme: Grill, something is almost done cooking
5. Several low-pitched beeps: Grill, something is done cooking or must be turned
6. High C: New order in drive-thru
7. Beeps at one second intervals: French Fries, either done or need shaking
8. Soft, constant beep: Something in the cabinet has expired
a. Side note: Just hit the timer button again, don’t throw away
Also, keep an ear out for managers. At any station at McDonald’s you will be given
dozens of orders apart from your primary responsibilities of the station, and the last
order you were given is always your top priority, so make sure you keep up. Submit to
your wrongness. You aren’t going to be able to do every single thing you are asked (and
if you are able to, then what the hell are you doing working in fast food?) Managers are
always correct. If you happen to notice a misspelling on one of the dozens of flyers
that reinforce the rules you don’t care to follow, don’t correct it. A manager will just
end up changing it back to the way it was and then bitch at you for ruining the flyer.
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Rule 6: Employees Can Be Unbearable Too
It’s not really a rule, but important to mention, nonetheless.
Employees will use the fake smile on other workers as well as
on customers. You may think there’s no bad blood between
you and the girl to the left, who you accidently nudged when
you were running to grab an order for a customer, but little
do you know she is telling one of her friends that she wants
to “slit your fucking throat” over the minor indiscretion.
And these employees may not have a strong filter for their
words; it may be only a matter of time before this girl calls a
manager a “wrinkly bitch.” Remember, the people around
you may hate McDonalds just as much as you do, and would you want to
be provoked in such a stressful job?
Farewell
I think you’re ready to begin you exciting new job at McDonald’s!
ALWAYS REMEMBER TO PUT ON A CONVINCINGLY HAPPY FACE AND, OF
COURSE, HAVE A GREAT DAY (IF THAT’S EVEN POSSIBLE)!
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