BLONDIE
Blondie and Dagwood
MP# 4061
AS PRODUCED
DIALOGUE SCRIPT
Page 1 of 33
MP 4061 AS RECORDED 8/15/86
BLONDIE
SCENE
LINE
1
1
3
2
(CONT'D SLOW MOANING SNORES)
6
(CONT'D SLOW MOANING SNORES)
7
(CONT'D SLOW MOANING SNORES)
6
8
9
DAGWOOD:
(SLOW MOANING SNORING)
DAISY:
(WAKENS, GRUMBLES, STIRS,
SHOVES EARS INTO EARHOLES,
HUMPHSI GRUMBLES! SIGHS!)
DAGWOOD:
(SLOW MOANING SNORING)
9
12
(CONT'D SLOW MOANING SNORES)
10
13
(CONT ' D SLOW MOANING SNORES)
10A
13A
BLONDIE:
14
13-14
(SLEEPING SOUNDS) (STARTLED BY
WATER - WAKENS)
(SWEETLY) HONEY --
14A
DAGWOOD:
(SNORE)
16
DAGWOOD:
(CONT’D SNORING)
16A
BLONDIE:
(FRUSTRATED EFFORTING SOUNDS)
19
(SHOUTS) DAG-WOOD!!!
20
DAGWOOD:
(STARTLED OUT OF SLEEP)
WUH -- WHAH-WHAAA?!
WHOA! UMPH!
20A
DAISY:
(STARTLED AWAKE)
15
21
DAGWOOD:
HUH?
16
22
17
23
WAS I SNORING AGAIN?
BLONDIE:
Page 2 of 33
EITHER THAT, OR THERE'S A COW
HAVING TRIPLETS UNDER THE BED.
SCENE
LINE
23A
DAGWOOD/DAISY:
HUH?
18
24
BLONDIE:
IT'S A GOOD THING THE ROOFERS ARE
COMING TOMORROW.
19
25
DAGWOOD:
OH, WHY’S THAT?
25A
(COUGH, SPUTTER)
26
OH.
26A
DAISY:
(HUMPH. WHAT A NERD)
21
27
DAGWOOD:
(SLEEPILY) I ' LL GET SOME PANS FOR
THE LEAKS, HONEY. YOU GO--
22
28
BACK TO SLEEP.
23 - 24
29
(YAWN) C’MON, DAISY.
29A
DAISY:
(OKAY, THIS OUGHTA BE INTERESTING)
29B
SQUEAK TOY:
SQUEEAKA!
25
30
DAGWOOD:
(STARTLED) WHAAAA!!!
( C O M E D I C FALL D O W N S T A I R S )
26
31
YAAAAA -- WHOOFFF! -- HFWOOCH! –
WHOAAA!
27
32
PAHWOOFF! YEAAAHH! WAH-HOO HOO-HOO-HOOEY --
30
35
BLONDIE:
DAGWOOD, HONEY, DID YOU FIND
THE PANS?
31
36
DAGWOOD:
(TRIUMPHANTLY) GOT 'EM!
32
37
DAISY:
(AAAOOORRR! – “LET'S HAVE A
SNACK!")
33
38
DAGWOOD:
YOU ' RE RIGHT, DAISY. AS LONG AS
WE'RE UP...WE MIGHT AS WELL HAVE
A LITTLE SNACK.
34
39
DAISY:
(YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!)
Page 3 of 33
SCENE
LINE
39A
DAGWOOD:
LET'S SEE NOW...
________________________________________________________________________________________
36
37
40
44
DAGWOOD:
KNOCKWURST --
45
DAISY:
(RURR)
48
DAGWOOD:
MARINATED MACKEREL -
48A
DAISY:
(RURR)
48B
DAGWOOD:
MARSHMALLOW WHIP --
49
DAISY:
(RURR)
50
DAGWOOD:
AND A SOUR PICKLE
51
DAISY:
(RURR RURR )
55A
DAGWOOD:
NOW THIS OUGHTA DO IT!
55B
DAISY:
(THIS OUGHTA DO IT!)(RU RURR)
56
DAGWOOD:
(HUNGRY N' HAPPY) MMMMMMMM! AHHH THERE!
56A
DAISY:
AHHHH!
DAGWOOD:
57
57A
DAGWOOD/DAISY:
(ABOUT TO TAKE A BITE)
(STOPS SHORT)
HUH?
41
58
DAGWOOD:
(WHISPER) WHAT WAS THAT?
42
59
DAISY:
(HOW SHOULD I KNOW-- I'M JUST THE DOG)
59A
DAGWOOD:
60
DAGWOOD:
47
62A
50
COME ON DAISY, LETS SEE WHAT IT I S .
(A LA BRUCE LEE) HOWHAAA -- EIIE!
WHAT AM I, NUTS!
62B
DAISY:
(RURRURR RURR)
63
DAGWOOD:
KIYAAAAH!
Page 4 of 33
SCENE
LINE
64
DAISY:
YOOWWOOOOO!
64A
DAGWOOD:
UMPH - YEOW - CRUNCHA!
56
66
60
67
DAGWOOD:
OH, GREAT! WERE LOCKED OUT!
67A
DAISY:
(NOT ME!) (SING SONG)
62
68
DAGWOOD:
HUH? HEH!
63
69
DAGWOOD:
(EFFORTING) UNH-UNH-UNH -I'LL GET THROUGH!
(GASP!)
64
70
DAGWOOD:
DAISY? DAISY!
65
71
66
66
72
(EFFORTING -- IMPATIENT
& FRUSTRATED) UNHH -- UNHH
–UNHH -- UNHH --
74
DAISY:
(CRUNCH, MUNCH, CHOMP,
CHOMP CHOMP --- GULP!)
68
85
WAIT FOR DADDY!
75
76
75
(DAZED) I JUST LOST A FIGHT
WITH A BEGONIA.
(CHOMP, CHEW, GULP)
DAGWOOD:
(EFFORTING) UNHH -- UNHH –
UNHH!
80
DAISY:
(LICKS PLATE: SLUUURRRP! AHHH!
THEN A SHORT BELCH - EXCUSE ME!)
83
DAGWOOD:
MAN 'S BEST FRIEND -- HUMPH!
83A
ALEXANDER:
NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA
NA NA WHA HAAA NA NA
84
84A
(STAGE WHISPER) ALEXANDER ? –
(LOUDER) ALEXANDER, IT' S YOUR DAD!
OPEN THE WINDOW!
ALEXANDER:
Page 5 of 33
NA NA WHA HA HA NA NA
SCENE
LINE
88
85
90
86
A-A-A-A-A-A-AAAHHH!
92
87
( R I S I N G IN PITCH)
(MISCELLANEOUS FEAR OF
FALLING SOUNDS) AHH -- AHH
-- AHHH -- AHH -- YAAHH -- WHAR
-- WHAH -- YAH -- AHH -- AHHH –
95
88
WUH-HAH-AHHH-WHAAAA!
100
89
WHAAAA -- AAAA -- AAA -- UMPH.
89A
(TURKEY GOBBLE - VIBRATION)
90
WHOOOAA -- OOOAAA!
90A
HERB/TOOTSIE: (SLEEP DISTURBED)
HUH? WHA?
102
DAGWOOD:
( S T A R T S T O FALL)
WHUH-WHAAA OOO!
90B
HERB:
(PUZZLED GRUMBLE)
103
91
TOOTSIE:
WHAT WAS THAT, HERB?
104
92
HERB:
OH, NOTHING, TOOTSIE. JUST
DAGWOOD HANG-GLIDING OFF THE ROOF.
93
TOOTSIE:
OH.
93A
HERB:
SIGH. (BACK TO SLEEP)
105
94
DAGWOOD:
106
96
110
97
BLONDIE:
OH. HUH? DAGWOOD, IT 'S SIX
FORTY-FIVE. WHERE ON EARTH
HAVE YOU BEEN?
99
DAGWOOD:
(MUFFLED) JUST CHECKIN ' THE
ROOF, HONEY. UMPH!
OOHHHHH!
BLONDIEEEEEEEE!!
RADIO ANNOUNCER: IT 'S 7AM!
TIME FOR ALL YOU BUSY BEAVERS TO...
99A
Page 6 of 33
SCENE
LINE
99B
DAGWOOD:
(B TRACK) WHA? UMPH? (HITS RADIO)
99C
RADIO ANNOUNCER:
(DAZED AND DAMAGED) RISE
AND SHINE...UMPH!
115
100
BLONDIE:
COOKIE! LET YOUR FATHER INTO
THE BATHROOM FIRST!
116
101
COOKIE:
BUT, MOM, I GOTTA GET READY FOR
CHEERLEADING PRACTICE.
118
103
BLONDIE:
CHEERLEADING CAN WAIT, COOKIE.
DADDY'S JOB CAN'T.
119
104
COOKIE:
MOM, WHY CAN'T WE HAVE TWO
BATHROOMS LIKE OTHER FAMILIES?
105
ALEXANDER:
BECAUSE WE'RE -- (MOUTH NOW FULL) –
NOT LIKE OTHER FAMILIES, SIS.
106
120
(FALLING) YAAAAAHHH! WHOOCH!
OOH! OUCH! FOOFFF!
107
COOKIE:
TELL ME ABOUT IT.
107A
DAGWOOD:
(SNORING)
122
108
(INHALE, BLOWING INTO BAG)
125
109
DAGWOOD:
(STARTLED) WHAAAAOOOO!
126
110
DAGWOOD:
(RUNNING) I WONDER IF SHE'S
EVER GONNA RUN OUTTA BAGS.
127
111
BLONDIE:
HE SHOULD BE DOWN ANY SECOND, KIDS.
128
112
129
113
130
114
136
115
BLONDIE:
(YELLS) TEN SECONDS, DAGWOOD!!!
137
116
DAGWOOD:
(MUFFLED) ALMOST READY, HONEY!
(SHOUTS) ALEXANDER, GOT THE
TOAST AND COFFEE READY?
ALEXANDER:
ONE CAFFEINE COCKTAIL --- AND A WHOLE WHEAT CHASER
COMIN' UP, MOM!
Page 7 of 33
SCENE
LINE
138
117
ALEXANDER:
GO, DAD, GO!
139
118
COOKIE:
THIS’LL BE A NEW RECORD!
140
119
BLONDIE:
HERE HE COMES!
141
120
BLONDIE/ALEXANDER/COOKIE: YAAAAAYYYY!!
HONEY!!! DAD!!!
121
DAGWOOD:
121A
142
122
143
123
145
READY! HEH, UH.
(EFFORTING)
NOT UNLESS YOU ' VE BEEN
PROMOTED VICE PRESIDENT
BLONDIE:
OF SIS-BOOM-BAH--
124
DAGWOOD:
HUH? WELL, HONEY...
125
BLONDIE:
C'MON, HURRY.
125A
BEASELY:
HMMM. LET 'S SEE, NOW...HMMM.
(ESTAB SOUNDS)
126
DAGWOOD:
‘BYE, KIDS. ‘BYE, HONEY!!
(KISS SOUND) MMMMMA!
127
BLONDIE:
(TALKING FAST) DON'T FORGET
146
128
147
129
DAGWOOD:
(FINISHING HER THOUGHT)
THE ROOF! RIGHT!
(COLLISION)
129A
BEASELY/DAGWOOD:
(CRASH) UMPH!
130
DAGWOOD:
131
BEASELY:
148
(INTO SHOUT) TO ASK FOR THAT RAISE!
SO WE CAN PAY FOR THE ROOF!
SORRY, MISTER BEASELY!
(DAZED) LAST WEEK HE KNOCKED
ME INTO ANOTHER ZIP-CODE!
_________________________________________________________________________________________
Page 8 of 33
SCENE
LINE
149
132
DITHERS:
LATE AGAIN!
HMMMMMPPPHHHHH!
132A
SECT:
YES, MR. DITHERS.
DITHERS:
WONDER WHAT BUMSTEAD 'S EXCUSE
WILL BE THIS TIME.
132C
SECT:
YES, MR. DITHERS.
133
DITHERS:
LAST TIME HE SAID BIGFOOT ATE
HIS BRIEFCASE.
133A
SECT:
YES...
DAGWOOD
...MR. DITHERS,
132B
150
134
151
135
I CAN EXPLAIN. NO STORIES, HONEST.
LAST NIGHT IT RAINED INSIDE MY
HOUSE, I LOST A FIGHT WITH A BEGONIA,
HANG-GLIDED OFF THE WOODLEY 'S
ROOF, PUT MY DAUGHTER ' S CHEERLEADING OUTFIT ON, AND...AND...
152
136
I MISSED MY BUS, AND, UH, OH
OH YEAH. (AHEM) I WANT A RAISE.
154
137
BUMSTEAD, YOU ' RE FIRED!
DITHERS:
137A
YAAA! UMPH! OH! UMPH.
158
138
(BREATHLESS - IN TRASH CAN)
GUESS THAT RAISE IS OUT OF
THE QUESTION THEN, HUH?
_________________________________________________________________________________ _______
158
139
HUMPH! ANY MINUTE NOW, MR.
DITHERS'LL POP IN HERE AND
SAY: (DITHERS IMPRESSION)
"BUMSTEAD, DON ' T GO." AFTER
ALL, WHO ELSE KNOWS HOW TO
OPERATE MY WORKING MODEL
OF OUR FUTROPOLIS PROJECT.
162
140
(GREAT SATISFACTION) AHHHH.
Page 9 of 33
SCENE
LINE
140A
DITHERS:
MAYBE I WAS A LITTLE HARD ON
163
141
DAGWOOD:
BUMSTEAD. I WONDER WHERE HE IS?
164
142
(EFFORT WITH LIFTING THEN
CARRYING) FINE - UNGH - LET
HIM JUST TRY AND FIGURE OUT
164B
144
FUTROPOLIS WITHOUT ME --
145
DITHERS:
HUH?
170
147
148
(CONT) WHOAAAA!! YIIII!
YEOW! URGH! HUH? YAAAA!
170
148
(SHAKEN, OUT OF BREATH) HUH?
OH...OH... THIS...MUST BE...THE ROCKET
ELEVATOR.
171
149
THE ROCKET ELEVATOR?!!!
YAAAAA!
177
150
DAGWOOD:
MAYBE MR. DITHERS'LL CALL
BEFORE I GET HOME.
151
DITHERS:
(IN DISTANCE) BUMSTEAD!
178
152
I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!!
152A
DAGWOOD:
UH...MAYBE NOT.
_________________________________________________________________________________________
184
154
BLONDIE:
ARE YOU SURE YOU CAN FINISH
THIS ROOF BEFORE IT RAINS AGAIN?
185
155
FOREMAN:
ABSO-LUTELY, CUPCAKE!
Page 10 of 33
SCENE
LINE
186
156
BLONDIE:
LISTEN HERE, MR. ROOFER. I TOLD
YOU BEFORE I AM NOT YOUR CUPCAKE,
YOUR “CUTIE PIE,” OR YOUR OR YOUR
"CUDDLE BUNNY." (STRAIGHT-ARMS
FOREMAN) I AM ONLY THOSE THINGS
TO MY HUSBAND, MISTER BUMSTEAD.
NOW GET BACK TO WORK!
157A
ROOFER #1:
YOU HEARD THE LADY...SHE AIN'T NO
CUPCAKE. BACK TO WORK, FELLAS.
158
DAGWOOD:
HONEY --
158A
DAGWOOD/ROOFERS: (COLLISION WALLA - PAG B TRACK)
158B
DAGWOOD:
-- I'M HOME.
161
BLONDIE:
GEE...WE COULDN'T PAY FOR THE
ROOF WHEN YOU HAD A JOB. NOW
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?
162
DAGWOOD:
I DON'T KNOW.
165
BLONDIE:
I KNOW! I COULD GET A JOB!
195
168
DAGWOOD:
A JOB???
196
169
COOKIE/ALEXANDER: A JOB?
198
171
DAISY:
RUR RARRR?? (A JOB??)
DAGWOOD:
WELL, I MEAN, YOU'VE
NEVER HAD AN REAL JOB.
187
190
199
172
200
173
BLONDIE:
WHAT?
203
176
DAGWOOD:
GEE,I DIDN'T MEAN IT
THE WAY IT SOUNDED, BLONDIE.
Page 11 of 33
SCENE
LINE
205
178
IT ' S JUST THAT IT ' S TOUGH TO
GET A JOB TODAY.
206
179
EVEN IF YOU ARE QUALIFIED.
180
BLONDIE:
QUALIFIED???
207
181
WELL,
208
182
I'LL HAVE A JOB BY THIS AFTERNOON,
NO MATTER WHAT YOU THINK,
DAGWOOD BUMSTEAD!
209
183
COOKIE:
(JUMPING UP AND DOWN) WAY
TO GO, MOM!
210
184
ALEXANDER:
GO FOR IT, MOM!
211
185
BLONDIE:
THANKS, KIDS!
_________________________________________________________________________________________
212
186
BUSINESSMAN:
WHAT ARE YOU QUALIFICATIONS,
MRS. BUNKBED?
187
BLONDIE:
THAT'S BUMSTEAD...AND, WELL, I'VE
BEEN A HOUSEWIFE FOR THE LAST--
188
BUSINESSMAN:
191A
BLONDIE:
OH! OH! OH!
215
192
FITZSIMMONS:
LET'S SEE, SAYS HERE HOUSEWIFE.
216
193
BLONDIE:
(SUDDENLY SPUNKY) WHICH MEANS:
I'M A COOK, PSYCHOLOGIST, SECRETARY,
(CUTTING IN) HOUSEWIFE? I'M
SORRY.
____________________________________________________________________________________________
214
191
SHOE SALESMAN:
HOUSEWIFE? HA-HA-HA-HAHA-HAHA-HA-HA-HAAAAA!
Page 12 of 33
SCENE
LINE
217
194
DECORATOR, CARPENTER,
SURGEON, VETERINARIAN,
218
195
ACCOUNTANT, GUIDANCE COUNSELOR,
PLUMBER,
219
196
SLEEP THERAPIST, EFFICIENCY EXPERT,
GARDENER,
220
197
AND I MAKE A PRETTY NIFTY TUNA
SURPRISE. (SIGH -- OUT OF BREATH)
WHAT D'YA SAY?
221
198
222
199
THERE'S ONLY ONE PROBLEM.
200
WHAT’S THAT?
223
FITZSIMMONS:
MISSUS BUMSTEAD, IT IS OBVIOUS THAT
YOU ARE ATTRACTIVE, ENTHUSIASTIC,
AND HIGHLY MOTIVATED.
201
FITZSIMMONS:
YOU 'RE OVERQUALIFIED FOR THIS
COMPANY. SEE?
201A
NERDS:
(WALLA)
202
BLONDIE:
OH.
________________________________________________________________________________________________
225
203
(ALMOST IN TEARS) OOOOH!!
GREAT! OH!
204
CORA:
BLONDIE?
226
205
TOOTSIE:
BLONDIE, AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO
TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU LEAVE
THE HOUSE.
227
206
BLONDIE:
VERY FUNNY, TOOTSIE. HELLO, CORA.
Page 13 of 33
SCENE
LINE
228
207
229
208
CORA/TOOTSIE:
AGAIN???
230
209
BLONDIE:
UH-HUH, AND THE ROOFERS
CAME AND I'M LOOKING FOR A
JOB, AND NOBODY'S HIRING.
210
CORA:
232
211
DAGWOOD:
233
212
231
I'M HAVING AN AWFUL DAY. CORA,
YOUR HUSBAND FIRED DAGWOOD.
COME WITH US, DEAR. CORA DITHERS
KNOWS THE PERFECT CURE-ALL.
________________________________________________________________________________________
UH, KIDS,VSINCE I'M GOING TO BE
AROUND THE HOUSE FOR AWHILE,
WHAT D ' YA SAY WE TAKE THIS
OPPORTUNITY
TO GET BETTER ACQUAINTED!
212A
COOKIE/ALEXANDER: HUH?
213
ALEXANDER:
OKAY. HOW DO YOU DO, DAD. I'M
ALEXANDER BUMSTEAD. AND I'M
MAJORING IN SCIENCE, LOVE
COMPUTERS, AND I LIVE IN THAT
BIG ROOM AT THE END OF THE HALL.
214
COOKIE:
AND I'M COOKIE BUMSTEAD THE
CHEERLEADER? I'M BOY CRAZY, PLAN
TO BE A VETERINARIAN, AND I LIVE
ACROSS THE HALL FROM HIM...YOUR
SON? (GIGGLE)
235
215
ALEX/COOKIE:
SO LONG, SEE YA!
236
216
DAGWOOD:
(PROUDLY) A LOTTA FATHERS DON'T
KNOW HOW TO COMMUNICATE WITH
THEIR KIDS.
234
Page 14 of 33
SCENE
LINE
237
217
DAISY:
RORR RORRUR. (OH, BROTHER) –
__________________________________________________________________________________________
238
218
BLONDIE:
GEE, YOU WERE RIGHT, CORA. I
DO FEEL BETTER. EVEN THOUGH I
DIDN'T BUY ANYTHING.
239
219
TOOTSIE:
OH, LOOK, THERE'S THAT GREAT
NEW KITCHEN HELPER,
240
220
"
MISTER CHOPPY!"
I GOTTA HAVE ONE!
245
223
TOOTSIE:
IT DOESN'T WORK.
224
225
BLONDIE:
247
SURE IT DOES, TOOTSIE. WATCH.
SEE, IT'S SO EASY, A FOURTH
GRADER CAN USE IT.
250
228
DAGWOOD:
AH... HOME-MADE FRENCH FRIES.
THAT'LL GIVE BLONDIE
A CHANCE
251
229
TO REST WHEN SHE GETS HOME. SIMPLE,
RIGHT, MISTER CHOPPY?
259
230
WHA? YIIII! AARRRGGGHHH!!!
WHOA/EEEIIII!
230A
HUH?
230B
DAISY:
(RURR)
__________________________________________________________________________________________
231
CROWD:
(INTEREST WALLA)
267
236
MANAGER:
MY GOODNESS, THAT WAS QUITE A
DEMONSTRATION, YOUNG LADY.
HOW WOULD LIKE A JOB WORKING
IN THIS DEPARTMENT--HMMMM?
268
237
BLONDIE:
REALLY? LET'S TALK.
Page 15 of 33
SCENE
LINE
271
238
272
239
THE ENTIRE KITCHEN HAS BEEN
HOOKED UP TO MY COMPUTER.
274
241
FROM DISHWASHER,
275
242
TO MICROWAVE,
276
243
TO CAN OPENER.
243A
GREAT, HUH?
ALEXANDER:
(PROUDLY) WELL, DAD. YOU WON'T
HAVE ANY MORE PROBLEMS!
277
244
DAGWOOD:
UH, YEAH...I THINK.
278
279
245
246
ALEXANDER:
MY COMPUTER EVEN GAVE
THE MICROWAVE A DIGITAL
VOICE ALL ITS OWN. LISTEN.
247
OVEN:
(CANNED MONOTONE) THREEHUNDRED AND FIFTY DEGREES.
286
254
MY COMPUTER ALSO TURNED THE
MICROWAVE INTO AN ANSWERING
MACHINE. SEE?
255
OVEN:
BUMSTEAD RESIDENCE.
287
256
DAGWOOD:
THAT'S GREAT, SON.
28 8
25 7
ALEXANDER:
DAD.
(EATING)
25 8
DAGWOOD:
HUH?
26 0
OVEN:
BUMSTEAD RESIDENCE.
26 1
DITHERS:
BUMSTEAD!
Page 16 of 33
UM, GREAT SANDWICH,
SCENE
LINE
26 1
DAGWOOD:
(GASP!) AH! MISTER DITHERS!
28 9
26 2
29 0
26 3
29 1
26 4
WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IF I
OFFERED YOU YOUR
29 2
26 5
JOB BACK?
26 6
UM -- UM -- HELLO? HELLO?
ALEXANDER!
DITHERS:
DAGWOOD:
26 7
BUMSTEAD, I'VE BEEN THINKING.
WHY, MISTER
DITHERS, I'D SAY --
26 8
OVEN:
YOU'RE HALF BAKED.
26 9
DITHERS:
I'M WHAT?! HALF BAKED!!
27 0
DAGWOOD:
NO, MISTER DITHERS! WHAT I
MEANT TO SAY IS, YOU ' RE AN—
271
OVEN:
OVER DONE HAM.
293
272
DITHERS:
I'M A HALF-BAKED OVER-DONE HAM, AM
I??? WELL, BUMSTEAD, YOU 'RE NOT ONLY
FIRED!! YOU'RE DOUBLE-FIRED!!!
294
273
DAGWOOD:
ALEXANDER!
273A
ALEXANDER:
YA, DAD?
273B
DAISY:
(SLURP!)
274
BLONDIE:
HONEY, I'M HOME.
295
275
275A
DAGWOOD, I'VE GOT WONDERFUL
NEWS!
DAISY:
(YOU DO?) (RURR RURR)
Page 17 of 33
SCENE
LINE
296
276
I GOT A JOB!!
277
DAGWOOD:
(SURPRISED) YOU DID?
297
278
BLONDIE:
UH-HUH. IT'LL TIDE US OVER TILL YOU
GET YOUR JOB BACK.
298
279
MEANWHILE, I'LL EARN ENOUGH
MONEY TO PAY FOR THE ROOF
299
280
AND YOU CAN STAY HOME AND
PLAY WITH YOUR POTATO GUN!
281
DAGWOOD:
HUH?
282
BLONDIE:
ISN'T THAT GREAT?
300
283
DAGWOOD:
(UNCERTAIN) UH, YEAH, GREAT.
301
284
OVEN:
YOUR GOOSE IS COOKED.
302
285
DAGWOOD:
YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN!
285A
DAISY:
(RURRUR RURRR)
END OF ACT ONE
Page 18 of 33
ACT TWO
SCENE
LINE
308
299
309
310
311
(SNORING)
299A
D.J.:
IT'S SEVEN AM! TIME TO...
300
DAGWOOD:
WHA?!
300A
D.J.:
DON'T HIT ME -- PLEASE!
300B
DAGWOOD:
(GASP!) I'VE GOT TO GET
BLONDIE OFF TO WORK!
301
AAAAAGHGHGH!!! WHOAAA!
301A
DAISY:
YIII! UMPH!
303
DAGWOOD:
UH, LET'S SEE -- GET HER COFFEE,
TURN ON HER SHOWER, LAY OUT HER
CLOTHES -- AND WAKE HER UP. (GASP!) I
FORGOT TO WAKE HER UP!
304
BLONDIE!!!
305
BLONDIE:
MORNING, HONEY.
306
DAGWOOD:
HUH? (FRANTIC) BLONDIE! YOU
BETTER HURRY OR YOU 'RE GOING
TO …… BE COMPLETELY DRESSED
AND READY TO GO TO WORK.
...
312
307
HOW DID YOU DO THAT???
308
BLONDIE:
SIMPLE. I GOT UP AN HOUR EARLY
SO I'D BE SURE TO BE ON TIME.
309
DAGWOOD:
AN HOUR EARLY-- WHAT A CONCEPT!
Page 19 of 33
SCENE
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313
310
BLONDIE:
OH, DAGWOOD, HERE'S A LIST OF
A FEW ERRANDS YOU NEED TO
RUN TODAY.
311
DAGWOOD:
UH, NO PROBLEM, BLONDIE.
312
BLONDIE:
GREAT. DOUBLE CHECK ON ALEXANDER’S
DENTIST APPOINTMENT, DAISY NEEDS DOG
FOOD, THERE'S A PTA MEETING AT FOUR,
THE CAR
313
316
317
IS DUE FOR SERVICE, PASS OUT THE
FLYERS FOR THE NEIGHBOR HOOD
WATCH AND, OH, THE ROOFERS ARE HERE.
314
DAGWOOD:
THEY ARE?
315
BLONDIE:
UH-HUH! (KISS) BYE-BYE! HAVE A
GREAT DAY!
316
YIIII!
316A
BEASLEY:
WHOA! UMPH!
317
BLONDIE:
SORRY, MR. BEASLEY!
318
BEASLEY:
(IN LOVE) MY PLEASURE, MRS. BUMSTEAD!
318A
DAISY/DAGWOOD:
(SNORING)
318B
DAGWOOD:
(WAKE UP -- STRETCH)
319
DAGWOOD:
WELL, DAISY --
319B
DAGWOOD:
BETTER GET STARTED WITH THE
HOUSEWORK!
319C
DAISY:
(YAWN) UH-HUH.
Page 20 of 33
SCENE
LINE
320
DAGWOOD:
AFTER ALL, HOW HARD COULD IT BE TO
CLEAN ONE LITTLE OLD HOUSE, EH, GIRL?
322
DAISY:
(UH OH)
____________________________________________________________________________________________
320
323
MRS. HANNON:
WATCH OUT!!
323A
MANAGER:
UH OH.
321
324
MRS. HANNON:
OUTTA MY WAY!!
322
325
MRS. HANNON:
WHERE'S A SALES PERSON?
323
327
MANAGER:
HERE COMES GROUCHY OLD MR. HANNON.
324
328
MANAGER:
SHE NEVER BUYS ANYTHING!
325
329
MRS. HANNON:
(SNAPPING) WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO
DO TO GET SOME SERVICE AROUND
HERE??!!
326
330
BLONDIE:
MY, WHAT LOVELY HAT!
327
331
MRS. HANNON:
WHAT? WHAT 'S THAT? (GIGGLE) OH, YOU
LIKE MY HAT?
328
332
BLONDIE:
WELL, YES -- AS A MATTER OF FACT. YOUR
WHOLE OUTFIT SHOWS GREAT TASTE AND
STYLE.
333
MRS. HANNON:
(CHARMED) 000H! YES -- OF COURSE,
DEARIE. IT 'S ABOUT TIME THEY HIRED
SOMEONE LIKE YOU AROUND HERE.
333A
BLONDIE:
WHY, THANK YOU!
337
BLONDIE:
I MUST SAY, MRS. HANNON, I THINK YOU'VE
MADE WONDERFUL CHOICES.
336
Page 21 of 33
SCENE
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337
338
MRS. HANNON:
339
339
ALL THANKS TO YOU.
I'LL BE BACK AGAIN TOMORROW. BYE-BYE,
DEAR!
340
MANAGER:
BRAVO, MRS. BUMSTEAD.
342
DAGWOOD:
SINCE ALEXANDER HOOKED UP THE
EXERCISE BIKE TO THE OLD "BIG SWEEP," I
CAN VACUUM THE HOUSE AND GET SOME
EXERCISE AT THE SAME TIME!
343A
DAISY:
UH-OH.
343B
DAGWOOD:
WHOA!
YIIII!
YEOW!
344
344
COOKIE:
I'M SO EXCITED THAT MY MOM GOT A JOB, I
CAN'T WAIT TO SURPRISE HER WITH THIS
CHEER. READY?
345
345
HIT IT!
346
346
DADDY GOT CANNED, BUT HE AIN'T SHAKIN',
CAUSE MOM'S OUT THERE BRINGIN' HOME THE
BACON...TALKIN ' MOM, WE'RE TALKIN' JOB,
WE'RE TALKIN' J.O.B.
YEAAAA, YEEAAA-A-A!
347
347
DAGWOOD:
COOKIE! LOOK OUT! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
347A
CHEERLEADERS:
YAAA! YAIIIII!
347B
DAGWOOD:
WHOA!
Page 22 of 33
SCENE
LINE
349
348
COOKIE:
DAD! DADDYYYYYY!!!
348A
DAGWOOD:
YEOW!
349
CHEERLEADERS:
YEOW! WHOA!
349A
DAGWOOD:
ALEXANDER!
349B
ALEXANDER:
YA, DAD?
352
350
CORA:
HELLO, BLONDIE.
353
351
BLONDIE:
(GLUM) OH, HI CORA.
351A
CORA:
WHY SO BLUE?
354
BLONDIE:
POOR DAGWOOD.
350
356
HE'S MISERABLE AROUND THE HOUSE AND I
DON'T THINK YOUR HUSBAND IS EVER GOING TO
HIRE HIM BACK.
355
357
356
CORA:
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, BLONDIE, I’LL MAKE
SURE JULIUS HIRES DAGWOOD BACK –
TODAY!
358
357
BLONDIE:
(BRIGHTENING) REALLY?!! THAT'S TERRIFIC! YOU
AND MR. DITTHERS HAVE TO COME TO DINNER
TO CELEBRATE
359
358
360
359
CORA:
BULLHEADED?
361
360
BLONDIE:
UH-HUH. HOW ARE YOU GOING TO CHANGE HIS
MIND?
362
361
CORA:
OH, I HAVE MY MYSTERIOUS FEMININE WAYS.
BUT WAIT. MR. DITHERS IS SO... AH...SO...
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
Page 23 of 33
SCENE
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371
372
CORA:
WELL YOU LISTEN TO ME JULIUS CEASER
DITHERS, YOU LITTLE SAWED OFF TIN CAN
NAPOLEON,
373
374
YOU GO OVER AND HIRE DAGWOOD BACK THIS
AFTERNOON IN PERSON OR ELSE!
DITHERS:
YES, LAMBCHOP.
DOVE.
ANYTHING YOU SAY, TURTLE
372
375
373
376
DAGWOOD:
WELL, DAISY, I'VE SUCKED UP HALF THE HOUSE
IN THE VACUUM CLEANER --
376A
DAISY:
(REACTS)
376B
DAGWOOD:
MOWED DOWN THE CHEERLEADERS --
376C
DAISY:
(REACTS)
37 6D
DAGWOOD:
-- AND GROUND UP THE GOOD SILVERWARE
IN THE DISHWASHER --
37 6 E
DAISY:
(REACTS)
37 6 F
DAGWOOD:
IF YOU ASK ME, THIS MAN DESERVES A HOT
BATH!
37 6G
DAISY:
HUH?
37 7
DAGWOOD:
AAAAHHHHH....
37 7A
DAISY:
AAHHHHH!
37 7B
D A ISY / D AGW OO D :
HUH?
37 8
DAGWOOD:
HMMM THE ONLY BATH TUB ACTIVATED
PHONE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
37 5
I'LL GO OVER THERE RIGHT AWAY, PUDDING
CAKES!
Page 24 of 33
SCENE
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37 6
37 9
37 7
38 0
BLONDIE:
DAGWOOD, I HAVE SOMETHING
IMPORTANT TO TELL YOU.
38 3
ROOFER #2:
PNEUMATIC NAIL GUN READY, BOYS
38 4
BLONDIE:
GREAT NEWS - (SFX)
38 4A
DAGWOOD:
HUH?
38 4B
BLONDIE:
--BOSS (SFX) -- DINNER (SFX)
38 4C
DAGWOOD:
WHAT?
38 4D
BLONDIE:
-- OUR HOUSE (SFX) -- TONIGHT (SFX) –
GO SHOPPING (SFX)
38 4 E
DAGWOOD:
HUH? WHAT?
BLONDIE, I CAN ' T HEAR YOU!
38 4 F
BLONDIE:
-- LATER (SFX) MISS YOU. BYE! (SFX, DIAL
TONE)
38 6
DAGWOOD:
GOT IT...BLONDIE ' S BOSS IS COMING
TO DINNER AT OUR HOUSE TONIGHT!
379
BUMSTEAD RESIDENCE, DRIPPING WET
DAGWOOD BUMSTEAD SPEAKING.
37 8
38 7
I GOTTA GO SHOPPING! (GASP!)
38 0
38 8
BUT NOT 'TIL I FINISH MY BATH!
38 2
38 8A
D A ISY / D AGW OO D:
(GASP!)
38 9
DAGWOOD:
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY BATH TUB?
38 9A
DAISY:
YEAH!
390
FOREMAN:
TAKIN' A BATH! THANKS, BUDDY.
Page 25 of 33
SCENE
LINE
391
383
ROOFER #2:
392
C ' MON, RUDY, HURRY IT UP!
I'M NEXT!
392A
DAISY:
HUH?
384
393
DAGWOOD:
DOES THIS KIND OF STUFF EVER
HAPPEN TO YOU?
387
394
389
403
404
409
WELL, LOOK, YOU WANNA GO WITH
ME, DON'T YOU?
395
DAISY:
(GRUMBLE, GRUMBLE)
396
DAGWOOD:
LET'S GO!
401A
DAISY:
(MISC. EFFORTING SOUNDS)
401B
DAGWOOD:
WELL, THAT JUST ABOUT DOES IT. WELL, DAISY
OLE GIRL, THIS SHIPPING STUFF IS A SNAP,
HUH?
402
LET'S SEE NOW -- TWO POUND BAG OF DOGGIE
TID-BITS-- SIX CANS OF HUNGRY HOUND STEW,
403
IT'S A MINIATURE FIRE HYDRANT, AND A--
405
DAISY!!!
406A
DAISY:
(INNOCENT -- WHO ME?)
409
DAGWOOD:
BLONDIE ' S GOOD CHINA AND CRYSTAL WILL
MAKE A BEAUTIFUL TABLE FOR HER BOSS.
409A
ALEXANDER:
HEY DAD, ANYTHING I CAN DO TO HELP?
410
DAGWOOD:
WOULD YOU CONSIDER MOVING TO
YUGOSLAVIA?
Page 26 of 33
SCENE
LINE
413
414
414
415
416
DAGWOOD:
HMMM. ROAST BEEF. (READING)SET OVEN AT
THREE HUNDRED SEVENTY FIVE DEGREES, FOR
TWO AND HALF HOURS.
TWO AND A HALF HOURS? I DON'T HAVE TWO
AND A HALF HOURS!
DAGWOOD:
416
UH, LET'S SEE, TWO AND A HALF HOURS AT
THREE HUNDRED DEGREES,
IS THE SAME AS THIRTY MINUTES AT NINE
HUNDRED DEGREES. AT NINE HUNDRED
DEGREES.
RIGHT, DAISY?
417
DAISY:
RUH-OH!
(UH-OH!)
419
422
FOREMAN:
HEY GUYS, THE NEW HELPER'S HERE!
420
423
TAKE THESE..
423A
DITHERS:
BUT --
424
FOREMAN:
OVER THERE, PAL.
421
426
DAGWOOD:
(HUMMING) WHAT THE -- ?
426
428
427
429
DITHERS:
BUMSTEAD?
428
430
DAGWOOD:
THAT'S MISTER BUMSTEAD TO YOU, PAL.
HEY! GOOFBALL! WATCH WHERE YOU'RE
GOING!!
431
AND I DON'T PAY YOU TO TRAIPSE AROUND IN
MY WIFE'S FLOWERS.
431A
UMPH!
431B
DITHERS:
WHOAAA -- YIIII!
Page 27 of 33
SCENE
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430
432
DAGWOOD:
YOU JUST CAN'T FIND GOOD HELP
THESE DAYS.
432A
DITHERS:
WHOA! ERGH! YAAA! UMPH! ERGGH! UMPH!
ARGH!
431
433
FOREMAN:
ANOTHER BUCKET'A QUICK-DRY GUNK, COMIN'
UP, FELLAS!
433
435
COOKIE/ ALEXANDER:
WHOAA!
343
436
ALEXANDER:
LOOKS LIKE THE CHICAGO BEARS HAD A FOOD
FIGHT!
436A
COOKIE:
437
DAGWOOD:
WHEWW!
C'MON, LET'S GET OUTTA HERE BEFORE WE
HAVE TO EAT ANY OF THIS.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
436
438
YOU KNOW JUST WHAT TO DO IN A
CRISIS.
439
BLONDIEEEEE!!!!
437
440
438
441
441A
439
DON'T PANIC, DAGWOOD. YOU'RE A STRONG,
INDEPENDENT INTELLIGENT MAN.
BLONDIE:
PHEW! WHAT A DAY.
SOMETHING BURNING? NAH!
DAISY/DAGWOOD:
442
(MISC. FIRE-OUT SOUNDS. DOG
SOUND -- HUH? DOG SOUNDS -- HUH?
OH, DAGWOOD!
442A
DAGWOOD:
HUH?
442C
BLONDIE:
WHAT HAPPENED THIS TIME?
Page 28 of 33
SCENE
LINE
440
443
441
443A
442
444
DAGWOOD:
UH -- WELL, I RAN INTO A LITTLE
PROBLEM IN THE KITCHEN, HONEY
-------- ME.
BLONDIE:
IT'S OKAY...HERE'S WHAT WE'LL DO.
445
FIRST-- MAYBE YOU COULD TURN OFF THAT
HOSE. NOW, YOU GO UPSTARIS, CLEAN UP, AND
I’LL TAKE CARE OF THIS MESS.
446
IT'S GOING TO BE GREAT! YOU'LL SEE!
44 3
44 7
44 4
44 8
DAGWOOD:
BLONDIE, YOU MEAN TO TELL ME
YOU WORKED ALL DAY AND YOU CAN
STILL COME HOME, GET DRESSED, SET THE
TABLE, CLEAN UP THIS MESS AND COOK
AN ENTIRE DINNER -ALL IN TWENTY SIX AND A HALF MINUTES?
44 9
BLONDIE:
UH HUH. US HOUSEWIVES DO THIS
EVERYDAY.
45 0
DAGWOOD:
OH.
44 6
45 1
DITHERS:
(UP OUT OF GOOK -- GRUMBLING)
(TRIES TO WALK -- HARDENS)
HUH?
44 7
45 2
CORA:
I SHOULD'VE KNOWN JULIUS WOULDN'T BE
THOUGHTFUL ENOUGH TO MEET HIS
LOVING WIFE ON THE DOORSTEP.
45 2A
DITHERS:
HUH? WHOA! UMPH! ERGH! AHHH! UMPH!
45 4
CORA:
WHY, JULIUS DITHERS! YOU ' VE GOT A
LOTTA NERVE, SHOWING UP HERE AT
THE LAST MINUTE!
45 0
Page 29 of 33
SCENE
LINE
46 1
45 8
BLONDIE:
(CALLING) DAGWOOD, HONEY...YOU
LIGHT THE CANDLE AND I'LL LET THE
DITHERS' IN.
46 2
45 9
DAGWOOD:
SURE.
46 3
46 0
THE DITHERS??? HUH?
46 4
46 1
I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOUR BOSS WAS
COMING TO DINNER!
36 5
46 2
BLONDIE:
NO, I SAID YOUR BOSS.
46 3
DAGWOOD:
HOW CAN I HAVE A BOSS? I DON'T EVEN
HAVE A JOB! MR. DITHERS FIRED ME.
46 6
46 4
DITHERS:
FIRED YOU?! YOU CALLED ME A HALF
BAKED OVER DONE HAM!
46 7
46 5
DAGWOOD:
WELL, HE DESERVED IT.
46 6
DITHERS:
I WHAT?!!
46 7
D IT HE R S/ D AG WOO D: (VARIOUS FIGHTING SOUNDS)
468
DAGWOOD:
OWWW!
469
CORA:
JULIUS!
46 8
470
HOW DO WE STOP THEM?
469
471
BLONDIE:
I KNOW!
470
472
BLONDIE/CORA:
DINNER!!
471
473
DAGWOOD/DITHERS:
(FIGHTING)
474
HUH??!
TIME OUT!!!
(EATING WALLA)
Page 30 of 33
SCENE
LINE
473
476
CORA:
JULIUS, DON'T YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL
DAGWOOD?
477
DITHERS:
YES, I DO. DAGWOOD-- I DON'T KNOW WHY I
FIRED YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE.
477A
DAGWOOD:
WELL, YOU FIRED ME BECAUSE –
UMPH -- GLMPH!
477B
BLONDIE:
MORE POTATOES, HONEY.
474
478
FOREMAN:
HEY, MISTER BUMSTEAD, THE ROOF
IS FINISHED. HERE'S THE BILL.
475
479
DAGWOOD:
THE BILL? I CAN'T PAY THE BILL. I DON'T EVEN
HAVE A JOB.
476
480
CORA:
JULIUS - (ELBOWS HIM)
481
DITHERS:
UMPH!
ER -- UH -- DAGWOOD, YOU
CAN PAY THE BILL BECAUSE --
478
479
482
OOOOOMPH!
483
BECAUSE YOU'RE RE-HIRED!
484
ERGH! WITH A RAISE!
486
BLONDIE:
487
YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY THE ROOFERS.
I'LL PAY THEM -WITH THE TWO WEEK ADVANCE I GOT ON MY
SALARY.
480
488
FOREMAN:
THANKS, LADY.
481
489
DAGWOOD:
WHAT A WOMAN!
I MUST BE THE LUCKIEST GUY IN THE WHOLE
WORLD!
Page 31 of 33
SCENE
LINE
492
BLONDIE:
OH, DAGWOOD. (SMOOOCH)
493
CORA:
O H , H O W SWEET -- JULIUS-- DOESN' T THAT
REMIND YOU OF SOMETHING. (SMACKING
HER LIPS LIKE A BLOW FISH)
494
DITHERS:
YEAH, WE GOTTA GET BACK HOME AND LET
THE DOG OUT.
495
CORA:
WHAT? WE DON'T EVEN HAVE A DOG!!!
495A
DITHERS:
WELL, WE SHOULD GET ONE.
485
496
CORA:
MAY I BORROW YOUR UMBRELLA, BLONDIE?
486
497
484
(FROM OUTSIDE) LET THE DOG O U T , HUH?
WELL, LET THIS OUT, JULIUS!
497A
CORA/DITHERS:
(MISC. COMBAT SOUNDS)
498
DAGWOOD:
SOUNDS LIKE WE'RE GOING TO NEED A NEW
UMBRELLA, HONEY.
498A
BLONDIE:
HA HA HA -- OH, DAGWOOD.
49 9
DAGWOOD:
YOU SURE YOU WANT TO KEEP
YOUR JOB, BLONDIE?
50 0
BLONDIE:
WELL, I THINK I ' LL FINISH MY FIRST
TWO WEEKS, AND THEN DECIDE.
50 1
BEASLEY:
OH NO, LOOK AT THE TIME!
50 1A
DAGWOOD:
WHOAA! UMPH! ERGH!
SORRY MR. BEASLEY!
49 1
50 3
BEASLEY:
(DAZED) SURE THING, MISTER
BUMSTEAD. UMPH! WHOA! ERGH!
49 2
50 4
BLONDIE:
SORRY MR. BEASLEY!
48 7
48 8
Page 32 of 33
SCENE
LINE
49 3
50 5
493A
506
WHAT A WONDERFUL COUPLE!
DAGWOOD/ BLONDIE:
UH, WAIT! WAIT! HEY, WAIT! HOLD IT! DON’T
LEAVE WITHOUT US! WAIT! HOLD IT! WAIT! WAIT!
NO – HOLD ON!
THE END
Page 33 of 33