Men are like Waffles, Women are like Spaghetti
By Bill & Pam Farrel
Total time: Approximately 1 hour (can be expanded)
Begin with a song
I.
Introduction (Priest – 1 minute)
We are going to talk today about a book by Christian authors Bill and Pam Farrel,
“Men are Like Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti: Understanding and Delighting
in Your Differences.” We will share some quotations from it, and some personal
examples from our own experience, for your reflection, our sharing together, and
your consideration as a possible source for our community love circles and
sharing at home.
“We want relationships and marriages that are happy and harmonious. That is
why so many of our decisions are affected by how the opposite sex will respond.
So, how are we to understand the differences between men and women? We
like to think of them this way: men are like waffles, women are like spaghetti.”
II.
Scripture (H or W – ½ minute)
In Genesis chapter one, verses 26 through 27, we read, “In the image of God he
created him; male and female he created them.”
God’s original plan was to use the differences of male and female as a starting
point for building intimate, fulfilling relationships. Unfortunately, what started out
as an advantage has turned out to be a universal source of frustration.
III.
Explanation of Waffle & Spaghetti (H/W – 1.5 min each)
(H): “What we mean is that men process life in boxes. If you look down at a
waffle, you see a collection of boxes separated by walls. The boxes are all
separate from each other and make convenient holding places. That is typically
how a man processes life. Our thinking is divided up into boxes that have room
for one issue and one issue only. The typical man lives in one box at a time and
one box only. When a man is at work, he is at work. When he is in the garage
tinkering around, he is in the garage tinkering. When he is watching TV, he is
simply watching TV. Social scientists call this compartmentalizing - That is,
putting life and responsibilities into different compartments.
As a result, men are problem solvers by nature. They enter roadblocks, size up
the problem, and formulate a solution. In their careers, they consider what it will
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take to be successful and focus on it. In communication, they look for the bottom
line and get there as quickly as possible. In decision making, they look for an
approach they can buy into and apply it as often as possible. A man will
strategically organize his life in boxes and then spend most of his time in the
boxes he can succeed in.
**Give a personal example**
Men also take a success approach to communication. If they believe they can
successfully talk with their wives and reach a desirable outcome, they will be
highly motivated to converse. If on the other hand, the conversation seems
pointless to him or he finds understanding his wife impossible, he loses his
motivation to talk and clams up.”
(W): “In contrast to men’s waffle-like approach, women process life more like a
plate of pasta. If you look at a plate of spaghetti, you notice that there are lots of
individual noodles that all touch one another. If you attempted to follow one
noodle around the plate, you would intersect a lot of other noodles, and you
might even switch to another noodle seamlessly. That is how women face life.
Every thought and issue is connected to every other thought and issue in some
way. Life is much more of a process for women than it is for men.
This is why women are typically better at multitasking than men. She can talk on
the phone, prepare a meal, make a shopping list, work on the agenda for
tomorrow’s business meeting, give instructions to her children as they are going
out to play, and close the door with her foot without skipping a beat. As a result,
most women are in pursuit of connecting life together. The links come to her
naturally so the conversation is effortless for her. If she is able to connect all the
issues together, the answer to the question at hand bubbles to the surface and is
readily accepted.”
**Give a personal example**
IV.
Differences between men and women (Priest – 1 min)
A.
“The difference between men and women often creates significant stress for
couples because while she is making all the connections, he is frantically jumping
boxes trying to keep up with the conversation. The man’s eyes are rolling back
in his head while a tidal wave of information is swallowing him up. When she is
done, she feels better and he is overwhelmed.
God made men and women different in many ways. They think differently, they
process emotions differently, they make decisions differently, and they learn
differently. And yet men and women complement one another so beautifully that
a healthy relationship makes both partners more complete.
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The differences start in the physical structure of the brain and then extend to the
operation of the brain.
These differences affect the way that husbands and wives communicate,
recreate or relax, enter into lovemaking, resolve conflicts, focus on
achievements, share responsibilities in the home, parent their children, and meet
each other’s key needs.”
The authors address each of these areas in the body of the book.
(With helpful questions and exercises following the presentation of each topical
chapter.)
B. Exercise (2 min)
If we can learn to accept our differences, they can benefit our marriage.
**Give a personal example of a difference you have and how that is
beneficial to your marriage.**
We would now like for you to do an exercise. (Pass around the handout)
We ask each of you to make a list of as many differences you can think of in how
you and your souse think, act, and process life. Then write next to each
difference how your marriage and/or family benefits from this.
In the next week whenever you see the differences enhancing your life,
compliment your spouse.
V.A. How Waffle and Spaghetti communicate (H/W – 1 min each)
(H): In the area of communication, for example, the authors suggest that
“whoever begins a specific conversation should be the one to set the pace for
that conversation. When the wife begins a conversation the husband should
assume that she needs to connect the issues of her life together. She doesn’t
need you to work your male logic into her thinking process. She simply needs
you to help her make the connections. You will do well if you view the
conversation as a journey she is going to lead you on. Pack your bags, go on
the journey, and encourage her to take the conversation wherever she wants.
Many men refuse to do this because they are afraid that if they give their wives
permission to talk until they are done, the end will never come. This just isn’t
true. Most men don’t know this, however because they have never helped their
wives finish a conversation”.
“Each issue gets its own emotional reaction. That is why she can experience
such a range of emotions in one conversation. Just because you, as a man,
cannot keep up with her does not mean that your way is better. If you’re willing
to serve this need of hers, you will be married to a much happier woman.”
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(W): “Ladies, when it is your husband’s turn to talk, you need to practice staying
in the box he wants to open. The problem is we women are very impatient
listeners. We often think that because men don’t process life the way we do they
are unfeeling or uncaring, but nothing could be further from the truth. The fact is,
we never let them stay in one box long enough to discover their feelings. If we
stay focused on one topic and resist the urge to open up all the surrounding
boxes, we buy our man the emotional time they need to work their way down
through the layers of the box. They then trust us enough to open up the well of
emotions that are deep in that box. It’s a lot like drilling for oil. When you drill
deep enough, you can reach a valuable gusher!.. Patient listening will
periodically bring the emotions to the surface we love to see.”
V.B. Exercise (3 min)
We have another exercise for you. Take a moment to answer this question to
each other.
I can tell you are listening to me, really listening to me when you
_____________. Husbands share first. Let your wife know when you are
finished talking and then the wives share in the same way.
VI.A. Personal example of waffle or spaghetti in our relationship and/or
family (P/H/W – 2 to 3 min. each)
Priest: In this age of political correctness and sensitivity to gender issues, I
would say that some men are like waffletti, and some women are like
spagheffles! While I personally believe that men’s tendency to
compartmentalize, and women’s tendency to seek connections, are matters of
degree, and that may vary from one couple to the next, I see the merit of
recognizing these tendencies in our communication.
P/H/W share
VI.B. Reflection question (10/10)
Play an appropriate song
Pass out the handout. Teach about writing for 10 minutes and talking for 10
minutes.
First we would like you to take a few minutes to make a list of specific examples
in 3 areas that you see your spouse being like a waffle or spaghetti
(compartmentalizing or intertwined). Then make a list of specifice examples in 3
areas you see yourself being like a waffle or spaghetti.
Your question to write on is: How do I see this affecting our relationship? What
are my feelings about it?
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VII.
A.
Waffles and Spaghetti in the Bedroom
Introduction (Priest – ½ min)
We are all no doubt well aware of the sexual differences between men and
women, not simply physically and hormonally, but also emotionally and
attitudinally. As the authors indicate, “Men and women approach sex differently,
and there is nothing you can do to change that. Most men would like their wives
to be more aggressive in their intimate encounters and most women would like
their husbands to slow down and be more understanding of their emotional
needs. This tension exists because husbands and wives have been wired
differently by their Creator in the realm of sexual pleasure.”
B.
Wife in the bedroom (W – ½ min)
“The wife’s sexual fulfillment is connected to everything else in her life. When
she feels close to her husband emotionally she is more responsive. When she is
in touch with your children and she is proud of how you father them, she is more
attracted to you. When her career is moving forward and you are supportive of
her pursuits, she finds you more irresistible than you already are. The more you
are a part of her life, the stronger her desire for you is.
C.
Husband in the bedroom (H – ½ min)
“The simplest way to understand a man’s sex drive is to picture it in the center
box of his waffle. It is a bigger box than any of the others and can be entered
from any other box. The reason this box is bigger is that it has compartments in
it. Since men are focused on sex much more than women, it is easy to conclude
they have a single minded approach to sexual activity. But in reality, there are
three independent forces that drive a man’s desire: the reproductive mandate,
sexual tension, and intimacy.
D.
Intimacy in the Couple Relationship (Priest – 1 ½ min)
We aren’t going to talk about the first two, you can find a discussion of these in
the book. The third compartment, the desire for intimacy, is the one that women
find attractive. A man does not love sex just because of what it does physically.
He also longs to be significantly connected to the love of his life. He wants to
know his wife, and he wants to be known by her. He longs for the safe haven of
a loving marriage just as she does. The difference is that a man only visits the
intimacy part of this box while his wife weaves intimacy into the fabric of her life.
When a man is in the intimacy box, he is attentive to his wife’s needs, he is
sensitive to her emotions, and he is a patient listener. The biggest complaint we
hear from wives is that their husbands don’t spend enough time in this box. She
wants to be close to him, and she has experienced enough times of intimacy with
him to know that he can do it. However it is often confusing to her why he
doesn’t spend more time in the pursuit of intimacy.
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The wife wants all of their sexual encounters to be expressions of love and
intimacy, but the three compartments of a man’s sexual desire can be a great
source of variety in your sexual interaction as a couple. Because he is vitally
aware of the beauty of his wife and wants to explore their sexual potential, he will
be willing to lead them into new expressions of their love.
Because he experiences consistent tension in his body, some of the couple’s
interaction will be almost athletic and the focus will be on fun. Because he
desires intimacy and emotional connection, some of their sexual encounters will
be an extension of the connection they share socially, spiritually, emotionally,
and intellectually.
E.
Guidelines for sexual love (H or W – ½ min)
The greatest way you can show your spouse you value his or her sexuality is by
committing yourself to learning how to give pleasure rather than take it. The
guidelines presented in the Bible for sexual love are that (first) it is to be given
freely, (second) that every sexual activity is to be an expression of love, (third)
every intimate act is to be done with respect.
F.
Example or comment on Guidelines for sexual love
(H/W – 1 min each)
G.
Question (hand out) 10 minutes
Each spouse list as many differences as you can think of in how you and your
spouse think and act in your sexual relationship (explain what is meant by sexual
relationship and the question). How does this benefit your relationship?
Exchange your list and quietly talk with one another about what you wrote.
VIII.
Wrap Up
Summarize the concepts learned. Challenge the participants to use this material
to grow in their relationship.
IX.
WWME (2 minutes)
Encourage the participants to do some kind of ongoing enrichment for their
marriage. Tell them about your Weekend experience and provide information
about WWME to them.
Thank them for coming.
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