Jinglin du
Discovery draft - High conflict people need understanding
Aggressiveness and provoking act towards others are constantly happening among
modern day society, No matter it’s verbally attack or little acts that you hardly
notice, there are few people around make you feel uncomfortable and even sad
when you are engaging with them. These are the people who are more likely to lead
your conversations to conflict no matter how polite and reasonable you are. When
these people show up in your life and trying to force you to do something you don’t
feel happy to do or pushing you emotionally to understand their point, you will
normally get headache from them and forget how to act especially they say
something after hurting you to make you think they are probably right. The
difficulties to deal with them often provoke you to act differently from usual, once
you leave them, instantly feeling lost, empty and sad is the sign of you were
engaging with one of the high conflict people.
Conflicts are happening in general cases between family, friends, colleagues or even
strangers. But constantly seeking for conflict or waiting for conflict to happen is not
the best way to our well-being. Although High conflict people are still giving us
trouble, should we feeling bad for ourselves and blame them to be unreasonable or
it’s time to examine the real meaning behind high conflict patterns and see them as
the victims who are making troubles for themselves as well.
Overall, high conflict people, Borderline personality disorder people, trouble
makers, difficult people are the names dedicated to these types of individuals.
We are not the only ones who suffer from conflict, HCP are not mean to be mad
people, they have problems to better realize their own behaviors and they cannot
control themselves to not misbehave. They are just used to releasing their pressure
and dissatisfaction on other people, they feel temporarily good by attacking others
to get attention and they think its good for them to be violent than to be hurt. Even
some normal events and words will trigger them to act, whenever they feel unsafe
and distressed, they try to provoke others to behave crazily. They are the ones who
suffer from the disease and they should be better understood rather than being seen
as ridiculous mean people. If we meet unreasonable people, we should calm
ourselves down and try not to feel bad about ourselves and remember they are just
acting unconsciously to protect themselves. The bad behaviors are being realized by
them, we should provide understanding, and don’t try to get them to stand in our
shoes. They are the ones who need to be helped and cured. Love is what they need
to feel better in order to act better.
I have looked at some of the psychology sites about this issue, It expands into a
much bigger topic and even doctors have different views on how these people
should be treated, for example, doctor Susan Biali believes that these people are
completely annoying and cannot be understood, they should be left alone and she
wrote an article about how to get away from the problems with these people, this is
not a fully investigated subject for medical doctor, but she describes her personal
experiences really well in terms of how difficult people affect others. In the institute
of mental health website, there is a specific name for this type of people, they are
called the people who have Borderline personality disorder (BPD). BPD is the
disease they have that makes them act impulsively and aggressively. This is not a
very dangerous or rarely seen mental disease, it’s just like other mental diseases
that play a horrible effect on the people who have it, they are the first victims and
patience cause by the disease. The cause of the disease is still being studied on, but
scientists believe that it hugely caused by family and even genetics. Their bad life
experiences can be an influence as well. If they experienced some danger or
traumatic events when they were younger, they are more likely to maintain some
behavior patterns that keep triggering their surviving mode and make them react in
the old conflicting way. If they stop to trigger conflict, they may feel unsafe and
failed to express their pressure. Billy eddy, a former lawyer that became a therapist.
He illustrates his point of view in a methodical way and its based on his many years
of interacting with high conflict people. He used the term high conflict people (HCP)
to describe them and he wrote a book on this topic. He advices many different
communication techniques on how should we talk to HCP. After all, we need to
forgive them first. If we want to help them, patience and understanding is the key,
show respect to them while talking, never leave them behind, try to agree on them
first and let them know what you think in order to satisfy your own goal as well.
Don’t trick by them either, because they are more likely to say something from their
personal angle that might not be true. Empathy and attention is what they needed
most.
In the article “behind every troublemaker”, these difficult people are called
troublemakers. It refers to the youngsters who are violent in school lives and the
causes are from the modern stressful family patterns and the violence in social
media. These kids are affected badly by the killings on televisions and they learned
that the only way to win and get over the obstacles is to fight and kill. They are more
tending unconsciously buried by this information. The kids are the byproduct of bad
family situation and a violent society. Should we blame the kids and say it’s all their
fault? Should we search the bad behavior heritage in their families, or should we
blame it on the society and overwhelming social media? The best way is probably to
not stimulate their negative thought any more by punishing them, give individual
therapies if possible. And show them empathy and understanding, solutions of the
current issue come after that. We should focus on their growth and inner barriers
rather than how to punish them and get them to follow the rules. If this approach
cannot be done in these oversized schools, at least to teach other kids how to deal
with them without feeling hurt or bullied. Do not totally ignore the troublemakers
and leave them behind either, they need to taken care of in a special way that fits
their sensitivity and focus on their inner misunderstood barriers.
In the article aggressive behaviors, there are influences that cause aggressiveness
from variety of aspects: family structure, relationships with others, work or school
environment, societal or socioeconomic factors, individual characteristics, health
conditions, psychiatric issues, life experiences. “People who suffer from depression,
anxiety, or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) unintentionally exhibit aggressive
behaviors as a result of their condition.” Amber Erickson Gabbey opinioned. For so
many factors can due to impulsiveness and aggression, and some of the reason
sounds totally irrelevant to aggressiveness itself. But for most of the times, if one
behave in a disrespectful and aggressive manner, the people around he or she might
feel slightly offended especially it evolves in bad actions and verbal abuse. If the
person expresses his or her problem, for example health issues that make them
want to behave aggressively, it may leads to another helpful conversation. When the
person chooses not to communicate and revenge to others and world about his
uncomfortable state, it may be seen as another BPD reaction. Most of us had the
feeling of hard to release our anger or excitement in our past experiences, either
chooses to blame or calm down and think is our own choice. Sometimes, things even
feel like out of control and we are more than angry because feeling lost, confusion
and rage inside us. Overwhelmed by our personal problems doesn’t mean we have
to show to other people how sad and miserable we are, but for PBDs, they might not
even realize their self absorbed behavior is affecting other’s mood even self- esteem.
Educating BPDs can be our first priority when dealing with conflicts, but we should
talk to them in a more mild and methodical way that make them feel they are
important so we can satisfy our goal and help them at the same time.