Relationships 101:
Understanding who we are, our baggage, and how it effects human interactions.
Outline
General introduction of self and background.
Dr. Phil-like, Scared Straight of Couples Counseling
“All Conflict Comes From Unmet Needs.” Dr. Walsh
What are basic human needs?
Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs: Physiologic, Safety, Belongingness, Esteem  Self-Actualization.
What happens when the child’s needs are not met? Cognitively, emotionally, behaviorally
Beliefs, Emotions, & Behaviors
Beliefs about: Self, Others, Relationships; right & wrong, fairness, self-efficacy, self-protection, etc.
Determine how we interpret or perceive the actions and interactions around us.
Influence the development of Rules & Expectations
Determination of Right & Wrong
Underlie our anticipation and preparedness for positive or negative expectations
Direct our behaviors
Based on direct experiences and indirect – observational / social learning (Bandura)
Behaviors, whether action or non-action, are conscious choices based on the combined beliefs and feelings.
Communication is a behavior, withdrawal is a behavior, fighting is a behavior….
Cognitive Distortions:
Emotions / Feelings:
Positive vs Negative
Emotional Funnel
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Caledonia Counseling
Relationships 101:
Understanding who we are, our baggage, and how it effects human interactions.
Expectations of marriage & relationships.
Expectations of sex roles and responsibilities: who works, division of labor at home, childcare,
decision making,
Expectations over financial issues: priorities of spending & saving, purpose of money, necessities vs
desires, etc.
Expectations of how children should behave: their responsibilities, communicate, perform in school,
perform in sports or extracurricular activities.
Expectations of parent – child relationships: Levels of authority and decision making, attachment
levels and dynamics, appropriate behaviors with children, dependence & independence, capabilities,
etc.
Expectations of discipline methods: spanking vs time out, purpose of punishment, intensity, etc.
Family of Origin – what are your roots & how do they influence you?
Cultural influences: deeply embedded rules of everything based on ethnic and regional expectations,
cultural differences by generation, within marriages, due to immigration / emigration, etc.
Parental similarities and differences: discord and conflicts – role modeling on how to handle
differences.
Parental addictions
Sibling relationships
Neighborhood / school cultures
IMAGO
Mental assignment – take the next 10 minutes to think about the areas where you grew up, school
experiences, peers, your friends, etc. Did you move a lot? Stay in the same place? Family financial
picture? Describe your room and your home.
IMAGO worksheets.
We are the most reactive to situations, words and actions of others that trigger our internal pains.
We create specific thoughts (BELIEFS) and decisions based on these childhood issues and experiences that
are intended to compensate or correct for those issues.
Or we decide that there is nothing that can be done and passively accept these fates and therefore allow them
to occur again later in our lives.
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Caledonia Counseling
Relationships 101:
Understanding who we are, our baggage, and how it effects human interactions.
Emotions & Feelings:
What is the difference between emotions and feelings?
What does it mean to be triggered?
What are hidden feelings? Emotional Iceberg
Personality Styles:
Nature vs. Nurture: What does this mean?
Role of genetics and the diathesis – stress model.
Passive vs Aggressive, differences and similarities
What is passive-aggressive?
Mask & Shadow
WE TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT US!!!
Relationships are an exchange of emotional energy
Every action we take, everything we say has an intended purpose and goal.
Situations and the actions of others get us triggered when they violate our beliefs (i.e. expectations, rules) or
support a negative expectation or belief.
How do you respond (energy exchange) to conflict issues? Immediately? Withdraw in silence? Hit and
run? Never?
Gottman’s Conflict Styles:
How we do conflict usually makes it worse and nothing effective is communicated.
Levenson: Time Limited Dynamic Psychotherapy – CMP
Theories of Change:
Stages of Change
CBT
Transactional Analysis
Psychodynamic
Family Systems
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Caledonia Counseling
Relationships 101:
Understanding who we are, our baggage, and how it effects human interactions.
COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY TO HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS!!!
But what? I thought I was communicating….
Barriers to Effective Communication; how does this fit with conflict style?
Gottman’s 4 Horsemen
What to Communicate – remember grade school grammar -who, what, where, why, when, and how?
Back to the Emotional Iceberg and our triggers…
I Feel Statements…
Paraphrasing and reflective listening
Turn complaints into requests
Gender Differences
ABCs of Sensible Thinking
Use of Time Out
What is Empathy?
Healthy Characteristics:
Individuals and Relationships
Gottman’s Sound Marital House Questionnaires
What is necessary to build strong relationship foundations? How to measure these…
Rules for Fair Fighting
Parenting Styles and Child Development & Attachment
THE DARK SIDE: Statistics on DV, effects on children, addictions, etc.
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Caledonia Counseling