Becoming-single-again - Seventh

Becoming Single Again
Presented by: (add presenter name here)
Written by: Alanzo Smith, EdD
Family Counselor for the Greater New York Conference of
Seventh-day Adventist in Manhasset, New York, USA
From Revival and Reformation: Families Reaching Across.
The Reality of A Divorce
• Divorce rate in the USA
• 50% of all marriages end in divorce
• Highest divorce rate in the world
• Impacts of a divorce
• Profound and long lasting
• Affects couple, family members, friends,
church and community
Emotional Impact
• Mourning alone – emotional pain of
being single again (Forrest, 1981)
• Feelings of loneliness, devastation
Victimized by labeling of others
Rejection by others
Physical and emotional consequences
Coming to grips with the reality of being
single again
Loss of Spouse to Death
• Widowhood may demand major life
• Dual dilemma of having to reorganize
and restructure the management of life
• When children are involved, the dynamics
of the family adjustments can be
• When the surviving parent is involved in a
new relationship it can cause conflicts.
Being single again
• Singleness is not a dysfunction.
• It marks the loss of a “socially valued
• It is not the loss of your valued self.
• The majority of singles lead respectful,
honest and wholesome lives.
• As a child of God, singles can face their
reality with determination and dignity.
• Undifferentiated
• Episodic anger
• Feelings of loneliness •
• Irrational
• Shock and Awe
Preoccupation with
Excessive guilt
Heightened sense
of spirituality
Social withdrawal
Managing Your Emotions
• Provide time for grieving. Grief is normal. Give
yourself sufficient time to return to basic
functioning such as going back to work and
household tasks.
• Recognize your emotional feelings. There should be
no rationalization or suppression of emotions.
• Explore defenses and coping style. Defense
mechanisms are often used to obscure reality. For
example you may shift uncomfortable feelings to a
Accept the circumstances
• Find meaning to the loss. (Romans 8:28)
• God is working with us in every good or bad
• Let go and let God
• God has ultimate control over your life. Re-invest
the emotional energy of the separation in self and
• Get professional help. Sometimes you will not be
able to mitigate every situation yourself.
• Improve social competence.
Steps for Growth
• Get involved in meaningful hobbies and
• Attend and participate in church activities.
• Let go of negative emotions and forgive yourself
and your ex-spouse.
• God is waiting to partner with you to open new
See Handout 2
• It is a healing gift when done in harmony with
God’s Word.
• Watch for quick rebounds and the desire to
compensate for one’s immediate apprehension.
• The Bible warns against cohabitation.
• Society seems to have become more tolerant to
couple living together.
• It is still against the will of God. Place yourself in the
center of God’s will.