“In Hell” Melo N. Gabato, BS MGTA – 4 Ah, hello! It's nice to see you all here. As the more perceptive of you have probably realized by now, this is Hell. And I am the devil. Good evening. But you can call me Toby, if you like. We try to keep things informal around here, as well as infernal. That's just a little joke of mine. Now, you're all here for eternity, which I hardly need tell you is a heck of a long time. What are you doing here, you ask? You're here for your orientation— Would you stop screaming?? — Sorry about that. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking you don't deserve to be here; that you'd much rather be in heaven sipping wine with Jesus, hanging out with all the angels and saints. You might think heaven is paradise, but the truth is, it ain't all that. That's just heaven propaganda. In fact, the chicks down here are so much hotter. I mean all the Victoria's Secret angels come here when they die. Look over there, there's Alessandra Ambrosio with that ass. And over there is Adrianna Lima in her bikini. They're down here because nobody knows how to throw a party like we do. The ones you go to during Sinulog aren't even half as good as the ones we have here. 4 Let me tell you something. The souls you meet here in Hell are very amusing. As a matter of fact, last Sinulog (our peak season) I was showing a bunch of newly departed souls around the place and one provocatively dressed girl covered in paint was raising her hand, calling my attention. "Uhm, excuse me," cried a sleazy voice from the crowd. "Can you please tell me what I'm doing here?" I looked at her and replied, "Ahh, yes. Hold on. Your name is?" "It's Miley. Miley Cyrus." I searched for her name in my file. "Ahh, yes. Here it is. Ms. Miley Ray Cyrus. You're here because of too much twerking." She seemed outraged. "Really?? I had no idea twerking was a sin?!" I like it when these souls panic. I calmly replied, "It is if you do it naked, my dear." "Oh, my God. I feel like I'm the only pop star here." "What are you talking about? Most people in show business end up here. There! Look at Justin Bieber cleaning the cafeteria. Why don't you join him there? I'm sure you'll have plenty to talk about." Aside from Ms. Cyrus, I also met one of the most hated VIPs in the Philippines. He was distributing leaflets and cut-outs with Binay, Marcos, and the Ampatuans. I approached him and said, "Erap! Dude, you can't do that here." "Can't you see I'm busy campaigning?" he asked indignantly. "There is no politics here in Hell. Only Iam in-charge." Then he started to bribe me. "Why don't I get you some drinks so we can talk about corruption?" "No, thank you. I already have Hitler and Bin Laden as my BFFs. And on Wednesdays we wear pink." 5 Do you see? You would never meet people like that in Heaven. They don't even have beer there! Oh, it's time for my 5 o'clock. Excuse me, but I have to go. I need to show the newcomers around. They're here. Alright, everyone. Settle down. Welcome! Welcome to Hell! My name is Toby. And yes, I am the devil. It's nice to see you all here. Before we start the tour, I'm going to group you accordingly. Let's start with murderers. Murderers? Murders, over here please. Thank you. Looters? Pillagers? Thieves, if you could join them. And lawyers, you're in that line as well. Terrorists, right here next to teachers who terrorize their students.Doc Sy, where do you think you're going? Everyone, please follow Doc Sy. Thank you. People who take too much selfies? Are you here? My God, there are a lot of you! Can I split you up into two? Okay, those who take selfies with their food, this way. And those who take selfies while at church, please arrange yourselves right at that area near the bonfire. We shall crucify you in a moment. It will be very entertaining. And lastly, our special guests, in complete uniform, where are the USJ-R students who failed ReEd? Please come forward. Adelante. Yes, yes, right this way. Okay. Right, well are there any questions? No, I'm afraid we don't have any toilets. Now, if you read your Bible, you might have seen that it was "damnation without relief." So if you didn't go before you came, then I'm afraid you're not going to enjoy yourself very much, but I believe that's the idea. Anything else? Okay, then. Why don't you all get to know each other and I‘ll see you all later at the barbeque. Bye.