Purchasing Supports
How to successfully negotiate getting
the right supports for you
An overview of effective communication skills
For more information and details on support
available visit the clearinghouse website at
www.communitydoor.org.au/SectorReadiness
2
Contents
Background ....................................................... 3
Why effective communication is important ........ 4
Understanding your communication style .......... 5
Getting your point across effectively.................12
Plan and conduct a meeting .............................18
Tips for tough conversations ............................20
Common mistakes in communicating ...............23
Resources ........................................................26
Personal action plan.........................................27
3
Background
A key emphasis of the National Disability Insurance Scheme (NDIS) is to enable people with
disabilities and their families or carers to plan better for their futures and realise their
potential through greater choice and control.
There are many terms used to describe the way that we want disability service and support
systems to operate so that a person living with disability has greater control, such as
'individualised funding', 'self-managed care', 'direct payments' and 'individualised budgets'.
The key theme, or concept is the same – that the person living with disability is supported to
be in control of their support services and funding.
Through the NDIS, people with disabilities and their families or carers will be in a position to
source the right provider and support for them, negotiate with the provider around how
supports will be delivered and how the provider will manage the delivery of their support.
This contrasts with the traditional service delivery model which fits people into the services
on offer.
Self-direction is about people being at the centre of determining what they need and how
services should work for them. It re-casts people with disabilities from passive consumers or
clients into active directors of their support arrangements.
Being skilled and confident in effective communication and negotiation will be essential to
getting the right support, and developing a respectful and positive relationship with the
support provider/s. Good communication skills are also important in enabling the person with
a disability to:
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Have choice and control over they what, when, where and by whom of support
Plan, implement and change the nature of supports provided by a service/person.
direct their own support if preferred
4
This workbook has been developed for people with disabilities and their families or carers to
understand and develop the range of skills they need to effectively share their knowledge
and feel more confident in making decisions and choices. The areas covered include:

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
Understand effective communication
Explore your preferred communication and negotiation style
Learn about strategies to get your point across effectively
Prepare for and conduct a meeting
Tackle tough conversations
5
Why effective communication is
important
Clear and effective communication is a two-way process, where each person takes
responsibility for their own part. When people communicate effectively, it helps us to:
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develop productive and respectful relationships;
be more comfortable in talking about important information and share concerns;
be influential; and
achieve positive outcomes.
These same skills can help us to manage disagreement and avoid conflict.
Words often play only a small part in the messages we communicate. Other factors, such as
the way we present the words we use, our tone of our voice, and our body language –
posture, gestures, facial expressions, eye contact, and personal presentation – all play a
significant role in how we communicate. Of course, the way we communicate depends on
who our audience is and what the context is. However, whether chatting informally with
friends or participating in formal meetings, how we communicate influences other people’s
response to us, and the outcome of the interaction.
Effective Communication
The Power of Nonverbal
Communication
7%
Words
38%
55%
"Effective communication is
Non-verbal
20% of what you know and
Tone of Voice
80% of how you feel about
what you know."~ Jim Rohn
6
Understanding your
communication style
Learning to identify the different communication styles - and recognising which one we use
most often in our daily interactions with friends, family and others, is essential if we want to
develop effective, assertive communication skills.
Being assertive means respecting yourself and other people. It is the ability to clearly
express your thoughts and feelings through open, honest and direct communication.
Becoming more assertive does not mean that you will always get what you want - but, it can
help you achieve a compromise. And even if you don't get the outcome you want, you will
have the satisfaction of knowing that you handled the situation well, and that there are no
negative feelings between you and the other person or people involved in the discussion.
Before developing your assertive communication skills, you need to have an understanding
of what your usual style of communication is. There are five communication styles, and while
many of us may use different styles in different situations, most will fall back on one
particular style, particularly when we are not prepared or are feeling uncomfortable.
The five communication styles
1. Assertive
2. Aggressive
3. Passive-aggressive
4. Submissive
5. Manipulative
For each of these 5 styles, there are different sorts of
behaviour and language characteristic to each. By getting
to know all five styles, you can also gain a better
understanding of and recognise the way other people
communicate. This may allow for smoother interactions
with them.
7
The assertive style
Assertive communication is the healthiest and most effective style of communication. When
we are assertive, we can communicate confidently, we know our limits and don't allow
ourselves to be pushed beyond them just because someone else wants or needs something
from us.
Behavioural characteristics
Non-verbal behaviour
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Achieving goals without hurting others
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Making your own choices and taking
Asking directly for what we want, while
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accepting the possibility of rejection
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Posture – open posture, relaxed, no
fidgeting
Socially and emotionally expressive
responsibility for them

volume
Protective of own rights and respectful
of others' rights
Voice – medium pitch and speed and
Gestures – even, rounded, expansive
Facial expression – good eye contact
Spatial position – in control, respectful
of others
Accepting compliments
Language
People on the receiving end feel


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"Please would you turn the volume
down? I am really struggling to
concentrate on reading this."

"I am very sorry, but I won't be able to
They know where they stand with the
person

attend that meeting as I have another
appointment."
They can take the person at their word
The person can cope with justified
criticism and accept compliments


The person can look after themselves
Respect for the person
8
The aggressive style
This style is often about winning and most times at someone else's expense. An aggressive
person behaves as if their needs are the most important, as though they have more rights,
and have more to contribute than other people. It is an ineffective communication style as
the content of the message may get lost because people are too busy reacting to the way it's
delivered.
Behavioural characteristics
Non-verbal behaviour
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Frightening, threatening, loud, hostile
Willing to achieve goals at expense of
others
Out to "win"
Demanding, abrasive
Explosive, unpredictable
Intimidating
Voice – volume is loud
Posture – 'bigger than' others
Gestures - big, fast, sharp/jerky
Facial expression – scowl, frown, glare
Spatial position - Invade others'
personal space, try to stand 'over'
others
Bullying
Language
People on the receiving end feel
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"You are wrong!"
"Do it my way!"
"Stop talking and listen to me!"
"Why do you make everything so
difficult?"
Sarcasm, name-calling, threatening,
blaming, insulting.
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Defensive, aggressive (withdraw or
fight back)
Uncooperative
Resentful/
Humiliated/degraded
Hurt
Afraid
A loss of respect for the aggressive
person
Mistakes and problems are not
reported to an aggressive person in
case they "explode”. Others are afraid
of being railroaded, exploited or
humiliated.
9
The passive-aggressive style
This is a style in which people appear passive on the surface, but are actually acting out
their anger in indirect or behind-the-scenes ways. People who act in passive-aggressive
ways often do in order to deal with an overwhelming lack of power. People who behave in
this manner usually feel powerless and resentful, and express their feelings by subtly
undermining the object (real or imagined) of their resentments.
Behavioural characteristics
Non-verbal behaviour
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Voice – Often speaks with a polite sweet
voice.

Posture – often asymmetrical – e.g.
Standing with hand on hip, and hip thrust
out (when being sarcastic or patronising)

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Gestures – Can be jerky, quick

Spatial position – often too close, even
touching other as pretends to be warm
and friendly
Indirectly aggressive
Sarcastic
Unreliable
Complaining
Sulky
Gossips
Two-faced - Pleasant to people to their
faces, but nasty behind their backs
(rumours, sabotage etc.) People do
things to actively harm the other party.
Facial expression – Often looks sweet
and innocent
Language
People on the receiving end feel
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Passive-aggressive language is when
you say something like "Why don't you
go ahead and do it; my ideas aren't
very good anyway" but maybe with a
little undertone such as "You always
know better anyway."
"Oh don't you worry about me, I can
sort myself out – like I usually have to."
Confused
Angry
Hurt
Resentful
10
The submissive style
This style is about pleasing other people and avoiding conflict. A submissive (or passive)
person behaves as if other peoples' needs are more important, and other people have more
rights and more to contribute.
Behavioural characteristics
Non-verbal behaviour
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Voice – Volume is soft
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Gestures – twist and fidget
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Apologetic (feel as if you are imposing
when you ask for what you want)
Avoiding any confrontation
Finding difficulty in taking responsibility
or decisions
Succumbing to someone else's
preferences (and denying own rights
and needs)
Posture – make themselves as small
as possible, head down
Facial expression – no eye contact
Spatial position – make themselves
smaller/lower than others
Opting out
Feeling like a victim
Blaming others for events
Refusing compliments
Inexpressive (of feelings and desires)
Language
People on the receiving end feel
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"Oh, it's nothing, really."
"Oh, that's all right; I didn't want it
anymore."
"You choose; anything is fine."

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Exasperated
Frustrated
Guilty
You don't know what you want (and so
discount you)
They can take advantage of you.
Others resent the low energy
surrounding the submissive person and
eventually give up trying to help them
because their efforts are subtly or
overtly rejected.
11
The manipulative style
Manipulative communicators are skilled at influencing or controlling others to their own
advantage. Their spoken words hide an underlying message, of which the other person may
be totally unaware.
Behavioural characteristics
Non-verbal behaviour

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Crafty

pitch
Controlling of others in an devious way
– for example, by sulking
Voice – patronising, envious, often high

Facial expression – Can put on the
“poor me" expression
Asking indirectly for needs to be met
e.g. “No, it is ok, you go and have fun
while I organise dinner”

Making others feel obliged or sorry for
them.

Uses 'artificial' tears
Language
People on the receiving end feel
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"You are so lucky to have those
chocolates, I wish I had some. I can't
afford such expensive chocolates."

"I didn't have time to buy anything, so
I had to wear this dress. I just hope I
don't look too awful in it." ('Fishing' for
a compliment).
Guilty
Frustrated
Angry, irritated or annoyed
Resentful
Others feel they never know where
they stand with a manipulative person
and are annoyed at constantly having
to try to work out what is going on.
Good communication skills require a high level of self-awareness. Once you understand
your own communication style, it is much easier to identify any weaknesses or areas which
can be improved on, if you want to start communicating in a more assertive manner.
A good understanding of the five basic styles of communication will also help you learn how
to respond most effectively when confronted with a difficult person.
12
In summary:
Aggressive behaviour
Assertive behaviour
I am direct in expressing my needs, wants
I clearly express my needs, wants and
and opinions and I give no thought to other
opinions in a way which is considerate of
people’s.
others
I win, you lose
I win, you win
Passive-aggressive behaviour
Passive behaviour
I indirectly make sure that others are aware
I do not express my needs, wants and
of my needs, wants and opinions and that
opinions directly. I put others’ needs above
these are more important than theirs
my own.
I win, you lose
I lose, you win
Which is your preferred communication style (the one you tend to use most of the time?)
Think of a recent example when you used this communication style?
Which other communication style have you used before? Think of an example. Was it effective?
Did you get the outcome you wanted? How did using this communication style make you feel?
13
Getting your point across effectively
There are a number of useful strategies we can use to communicate clearly and effectively,
that help us develop productive and respectful relationships, be influential, and achieve
positive outcomes. While being assertive in communication was discussed previously, this
section will briefly explore this and 3 other strategies.

Being assertive – expressing our views confidently and clearly without being
aggressive or passive


Active Listening – a conscious and active approach to listening to others
Using “I” statements - expressing thoughts, feelings and needs without placing
blame on others

Choosing the most effective delivery method
Being assertive
Being assertive is a way of thinking, behaving and communicating that allows us to express
our views and stand up for our own rights, while respecting the rights of others. Being
assertive enables us to confidently and appropriately express our thoughts, feelings and
needs, and deal with difficult situations without being passive or aggressive.
All people have human rights that give us dignity as individuals. By not allowing your rights
to be violated you are not being selfish but are maintaining your self-respect and self-worth.
As well as being aware of your own rights, if you respect other people’s rights you have the
foundation for assertive communication.
Skills and essentials for being assertive

Believe in yourself and know your own worth. Be confident. Value yourself and your
contribution.

Learn to say ‘no’ with confidence. Recognise that others have the right to say no too,
and don’t feel rejected when others say no.

Be clear and specific when expressing your point of view. Say what you mean. Ask
for what you want.

Respect the rights and opinions of other people.
14
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Ask for and provide constructive feedback.
Use active listening skills to engage meaningfully with others. (see next section)
Seek clarification when you do not understand something.
Ask for help without feeling guilty or inadequate.
Use “I” statements (see next section).
Be calm and controlled and do not lose your temper.
Describe how you see the current situation and how you would like it to be different.
Express your feelings without judgement or justification.
Be respectful of others. Always communicate respectfully.
The rules of assertion1
I have the right to:
1. Respect myself – who I am and what I do
2. Recognise my own needs as an individual – that is separate from what is expected
of me in particular roles, such as “son”, “daughter”, “mother”.
3. Make clear “I” statements about how I feel and what I think. For example. “I feel very
uncomfortable with your decision”.
4. Allow myself to make mistakes. Recognising that it is normal to make mistakes
5. Change my mind, if I choose
6. Ask for “thinking it over time”. For example, when people ask you to do something,
you have the right to say “I would like to think it over and I will let you know my decision
by the end of the week”.
7. Allow myself to enjoy my successes that is by being please with what I have done
and sharing it with others.
8. Ask for what I want, rather that hoping someone will notice what I want.
9. Recognise that I am not responsible for the behaviour of other adults.
10. Respect other people and their right to be assertive and expect the same in return.
1
Dr Williams. C.(2001) Overcoming Depression: A Five Areas Approach. Arnold Publishers. UK.
15
How much do you believe in each of these rules and put them into practice?
Active listening
Listening is just as important in the communication process as talking. Active listening is a
way of listening that intentionally focuses entirely on what the other person is saying, where
the listener seeks to understand both the content of the message, and the emotions and
feelings underlying the message. The listener is not required to agree with the speaker, just
to try to understand what the speaker is saying. It’s important that the listener suspends their
own opinions and judgement, to fully attend to the speaker. Active listening is particularly
useful in situations where understanding is critical, in emotionally charged situations, and in
resolving conflict.
Skills for active listening
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Remove distractions and give the speaker your full attention
Give the other person the space they need to talk. Avoid interrupting them.
Be interested and engaged, and show this in your body language, for example through
nodding, leaning forward, and making or maintaining eye contact (though be aware,
eye contact may be inappropriate in some cultures).

Indicate whether you follow what the speaker is saying. Paraphrase their words
demonstrating your understanding of what they are saying. Make sure you do
understand, and if you don’t, tell them. Don’t pretend you understand if you really don’t.


If appropriate, ask questions – want to know more.
Acknowledge how the speaker might be feeling, e.g. “you sound frustrated / upset /
excited”.


Be aware of non-verbal cues and respond to them.
Allow silences in the conversation – you don’t need to fill all the space with talk.
16
An example of hearing versus active listening
Example 1: Hearing
Person being supported (Melissa): Hello Wendy, I know we had planned to go out today
to watch the concert but I don’t really want to do that now. Can we do something else?
Staff person (Wendy): But I have been rostered on to support you for the next 4 hours and
have arranged tickets and organised transport. We were home yesterday, so it would be
good to get out today.
Melissa: I don’t want to go to that place, it is always cold.
Wendy: Sorry Melissa, this is what we had planned so we have to do it. You will like it when
we get there – I know you will.
Example 2: Active listening
Person being supported (Melissa): Hello Wendy, I know we had planned to go out today
to watch the concert but I don’t really want to do that now. Can we do something else?
Staff person (Wendy): Sounds like you have changed your mind since yesterday when we
talked about going to the concert. I thought you were looking forward to it?
Melissa: I was then but I don’t want to go anymore.
Wendy: Yesterday you sounded excited about going, but today you sound different. Are you
tired, or is there something else worrying you about going?
Melissa: Well I am a bit tired and I don’t know if I want to stay the whole time. And the
theatre is always cold and I get hungry.
Wendy: Well let’s think about what we could do so you could still go, because I remember
yesterday you were pretty excited. We could make a plan should you want to leave early or if
you get hungry. And we need to take something to keep you warm. If we talked about those
things and made a plan, would you like to still go?
17
Using “I” statements
“I” statements
“I” statements begin with the word “I” and describe how a situation is for us – how we see it
or what we are feeling – without blaming or hurting the other person. Using “I” statements
allows us to take responsibility for our own feelings and our part in the situation. They allow
us to clearly communicate the impact of another person’s behaviours or actions on us, and
to offer a solution. When we use “I” statements, the other person is more likely to hear what
we are saying and respond constructively to our concerns, rather than getting angry or
defensive. Here is a guide:
I feel… [say what you feel]
when… [state the issue or problem]
because… [say how you are affected by the issue or problem]
and from now on… [say what you want to happen].
For example: “I feel frustrated when you finish my sentences, because I know what I want
to say and from now on I would prefer you wait for me to finish.”
“I” statements can also be used effectively in constructive criticism. For example, saying "I
had to read the information you gave me three times before I understood it", rather than,
"This letter is worded in a really confusing way" or "You need to learn how to write more
clearly”, removes the element of blame while providing constructive feedback on the report.
18
How could you reword the following, using “I” statements?
Choose one statement to try:
“You are always late to pick me up”
“You give really difficult instructions”
“You don’t seem to listen to what I say”
Communicate with “I” statements
I feel…
When…
Because…
What I want/need is…
19
Choosing the most effective delivery method
With so many ways to send a message available to us – e-mail, text, phone, letter, face-toface, which method is the best to use?
Although face-to-face communication conveys the most information (words plus tone of
voice plus body language plus immediate feedback), the most effective and efficient method
for a message depends on the situation. The criteria for choosing written or oral
communication is provided in the table below.
When deciding whether to talk over the phone, meet with, or e-mail or text a message to
someone, you should consider time and cost limits, the complexity and sensitivity of the
issue, the need for a record of the communication, the need for feedback, and the
capabilities of the audience.
The more sensitive a message or situation, the more opportunity there should be for
nonverbal communication. Face-to-face meetings reduce the likelihood of
miscommunication. Meetings also allows the message sender to defuse anger and dispel
misconceptions and give the receivers a chance to air their feelings and ask questions.
Should I put it in
Use written communication when:
writing?

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
You can wait for the receiver to read it
You can’t afford to bring people together
The message is complex
The information is more factual then sensitive
You won’t be embarrassed for others to read the message
You need a written record of the communication
The receiver is able to read your language and use your
technology (print, email, share file, text etc.)
Use oral communication when:





The message is sensitive
You need immediate feedback
The receiver may have difficulty reading
You want to build a relationship
You want to see the reaction
20
Plan and conduct a meeting
Whether you have organised the meeting yourself or are invited to attend a meeting there
are some key steps involved to ensure the meeting is effective and the outcome is positive.
Prepare for the meeting

Ask yourself the questions - What is the purpose of the meeting? What do you hope
to accomplish? What would be the ideal outcome?

Ensure you have had time to read any relevant information before the meeting. Think
about and write down any questions you may have from the information you have
read.

Check the location of the meeting – will it be comfortable and safe for all
participants? Will it be free of distractions?

Check how you are feeling about the meeting – will your attitude toward the
conversation influence your perception of it? If you think it will be difficult and
confusing, it probably will be. Try to have a positive attitude for maximum
effectiveness.
Conduct the meeting
Whether you are leading the meeting or someone else is, these are good tips for an effective
meeting.

Be clear on the goals. All participants need to be clear on the goals or outcomes
that they are trying to achieve as a result of the meeting. Make sure these are
discussed fully and agreed. For example, “The purpose of us meeting today is to
discuss how the organisation works out the costs for services”. “Is there anything
else you would like to discuss today?”

Keep focus. During meetings it is easy to drift off the point and talk about other
matters. Keep the focus on goals or outcomes to make sure the meeting stays on
track.

Involve all participants. Look for ways to involve those people who are less vocal
as they often have valuable contributions to make and may need some
encouragement. Asking “what do you think of that idea?” can be a way of getting
them involved.
21

Actively listen. Listen to not just want is being said, but how it is being said. You can
do this by paying attention to the non-verbal signs like body language and the overall
atmosphere in the room.

Summarise periodically. Sometimes meetings move quickly and a lot can be going
on. It is useful to summarise what is being said or decided on. This helps keep the
meeting focussed and stay on track and clarify the information being shared.

Take notes. Have someone in the meeting keep a record of what is being discussed
and any decisions being made. This will help as a reminder later on as to what you
may need to do. If any actions came out of the meeting, this will also be a record of
what is required, by whom and by when.
Follow-up and ongoing communication
Depending on the outcome from the meeting, you may be required to have ongoing
communication with the other people involved in the meeting. If this is required it may be
worthwhile checking with them to ask about their preferred method for communication and
who you should be communicating with around specific issues, (is it always the same person
or is it someone different for financial matters, or staff matters or general information?). At
this point it is also important to let them know of your preferred communication method.
22
Tips for tough conversations
Despite practicing good communication techniques, there are times when you need to talk to
someone about something and you know it is going to be tough, challenging or difficult.
Those times when you know you should talk to someone, but don’t; or you have talked to
them before and it went badly, or you fear that raising a subject will end badly, or you are
feeling upset or angry about something and want to let other people know about it.
The following tips will help you to prepare for the conversation and also give you some ideas
to use during the conversation2.
Prepare for the conversation
1. Before going to the conversation it is important to identify the intent. Think about both
short-term goals (the specific requests you want to make) as well as long-term goals (the
importance of the relationships involved).
2. What assumptions are you making about the other person’s intentions? You may feel
intimidated, disrespected, ignored, hurt, but be cautious about assuming that was their
intention. Impact does not necessarily equal intent.
3. Conversations become difficult when our feelings and emotions are involved. Emotions
cloud our judgment and ability to see the situation clearly. We often have previous
experiences or stories that impact how we see a situation. The first step in a difficult
conversation is to look within ourselves.
4. Is your attitude towards the conversation influencing your perception of it? If you believe
it may be uncomfortable and difficult, it probably will be. Try to approach with a positive
attitude for maximum effectiveness.
5. What are your needs and fears? Are there common concerns?
6. How have you contributed to the problem? How have they contributed?
2
Ringer, J. (2005). Power and Presence Training. http://www.JudyRinger.com
23
Pick the right time and place for the conversation
When planning a “difficult conversation,” the time and place can make a difference in your
outcome. Choose an environment where noise and disruptions can be minimised and you
will have enough time to have a quality conversation. In addition, think about timing – will the
other person be in the right frame of mind (hopefully a time when they have a positive view
of you and the relationship is positive or at least neutral)?
What to practice during the conversation
Inquiry
Approach the conversation with a learning attitude- that is one of discovery and curiosity.
Assume you know very little and try to learn as much as possible about the other person and
their point of view. Practice active listening to understand their position, their values and
priorities. Be willing listen without judgment and without an investment in you being right and
them being wrong.
Put yourself in the other person’s shoes
Putting yourself in the other person’s shoes helps us realize that there are many ways to
look at the same situation. We often have a lot invested in “being right” about a given
situation or that there is only “one way” to interpret a situation and that is never the case. We
need to remind ourselves of our intent vs. our unconscious need to be right and to get our
way.
24
Bring empathy to the difficult conversation3
This can be done by:

Putting the other person at ease (if the situation is difficult for you, it is likely to be
difficult for them).

Start with the common objectives you both have. Ask them what their objectives are
in this situation.

Clearly state your desired outcome. Instead of asking for their agreement or
disagreement, keep your questions open. Ask them for their thoughts and feeling on
this subject.

Help them feel heard by repeating what you’ve heard them say and clarifying it.
When people feel heard their resistance lowers. If there are questions you have, ask
them with open curiosity rather than blame.

Be willing and open to finding a different solution than what you initially identified.
When you are willing to “give up” on your agenda in search of a better solution for
everyone, the other person is often likely to reciprocate.

Summarise the agreements and thank them for being open to listening to you in the
conversation. This may or may not be the last conversation on this topic, so leaving it
in a way that keeps the door open for a productive future conversation and
relationship is important.
Before initiating a conversation that may be difficult, practice with a friend before holding the
real one.
Some ideas for a role play you could do with a friend:





3
Talking to someone who is always late to pick you up
Letting an organisation know that you don’t want them to support you anymore
Making a complaint to a government department
Talking to someone in your house who always leaves a mess
Challenging a bill from a service provider
Henna Inam, Seven Steps to Make A Difficult Conversation Easier.
http://www.transformleaders.tv/seven-steps-to-make-a-difficult-conversation-easier/
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Common mistakes in
communicating
While we know that good communication can improve relationships by building trust and
mutual respect, the opposite is also true – poor communication can damage relationships,
creating mistrust and often conflict.
Below are some examples of negative communication patterns that can exacerbate conflict.
Avoiding conflict altogether
Rather than discussing building frustrations in a calm, respectful manner, some people don't
say anything until they're ready to explode, and then blurt it out in an angry, hurtful way.
While this seems to be the less stressful pathway - avoiding an argument altogether, it
usually causes more stress to both parties as tensions rise, resentments fester, and a much
bigger argument eventually results. It's much healthier to address and resolve conflict.
Being defensive
Rather than addressing a person's complaints with an objective eye and willingness to
understand the other person's point of view, defensive people steadfastly deny any
wrongdoing and work hard to avoid looking at the possibility that they could be contributing
to a problem. Denying responsibility may seem to alleviate stress in the short run, but
creates long-term problems when people don't feel listened to and unresolved conflicts
continue to grow.
Overgeneralising
When something happens that they don’t like, some people blow it out of proportion by
making sweeping generalizations. Avoid starting sentences with, "You always…" and, "You
never…" as in, "You always tell me what to do!" or, "You never listen to anything I say!" Stop
and think about whether or not this is really true. This stands in the way of true conflict
resolution, and increases the level of conflict.
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Being right
It can be damaging to decide that there's a "right" way to look at things and a "wrong" way to
look at things, and that your way of seeing things is right. Don't demand that the other
person see things the same way, and don't take it as a personal attack if they have a
different opinion. Look for a compromise or agreeing to disagree, and remember that there's
not always a "right" or a "wrong," and that two points of view can both be valid.
Mind-reading
Instead of asking about the other persons thoughts and feelings, people sometimes decide
that they "know" what others are thinking and feeling based only on interpretations of their
actions--and always assume it's negative! (For example, deciding a late staff member
doesn't care enough to be on time, or that a quiet person is disinterested). This creates
hostility and misunderstandings. It's important to keep in mind that we all come from a
unique perspective, and work hard to assume nothing; really listen to the other person and
let them explain where they are coming from.
Forgetting to listen
Some people interrupt, roll their eyes, and rehearse what they're going to say next instead of
truly listening and attempting to understand the other person. Don't underestimate the
importance of active listening in communication.
Playing the blame game
Some people handle conflict by criticising and blaming the other person for the situation.
They see admitting any weakness on their own part as a weakening of their credibility, and
avoid it at all costs, and even try to shame them for being "at fault." Instead, try to view
conflict as an opportunity to analyze the situation objectively, assess the needs of both
parties and come up with a solution that helps both of you.
27
Trying to "win" the argument
If you are focused on "winning" the argument, the relationship will lose. The point of a
discussion should be mutual understanding and coming to an agreement or resolution that
respects everyone’s needs. If you’re making a case for how wrong the other person is,
discounting their feelings, and staying stuck in your point of view, it will not end with a
positive outcome for all involved.
Making character attacks
Sometimes people take any negative action from a person and blow it up into a personality
flaw. (For example, if a person always dresses casually, looking it as a character flaw and
label them "lazy, and not caring about themselves" or, if a person wants to know details
about something, labeling them as "needy," or "too demanding.") This creates negative
perceptions on both sides. Remember to respect the person, even if you don't like the
behavior.
Stonewalling
When one person wants to discuss troubling issues, sometimes people defensively
stonewall, or refuse to talk or listen to the other person. This shows disrespect while at the
same time letting the underlying conflict grow. Stonewalling solves nothing, but creates hard
feelings and damages relationships. It’s much better to listen and discuss things in a
respectful manner
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How do I continue to improve my
communication skills?
The art of effective communication is like any art – with continued practice your skill level
improves and you will approach conversations with ease and confidence.
Practice, practice, practice!
There are often formal opportunities for learning available in your local community. Below is
a selection of some organisations that may offer further learning or training in your
community:

Toastmasters International. This is a not for profit training organisation that focuses
on communication and leadership development. Clubs are available throughout
Australia. http://www.toastmasters.org.au/



TAFE courses (contact your local TAFE campus)
Job Readiness courses (contact your local Centrelink or Job Network agencies)
Parent and Carer Organisations:
-
ARAFMI - http://www.arafmiqld.org/?page=89
-
Carers Qld - http://carersqld.asn.au/free-advocacy-skills-training-workshops
-
Parent2Parent - http://www.parent2parentqld.org.au/training/cass.php
“Take advantage of every opportunity to practice your communication skills so
that when important occasions arise, you will have the gift, the style, the
sharpness, the clarity and the emotions to affect other people.”
Jim Rohn
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Resources
Henna Inam, Seven Steps to Make A Difficult Conversation Easier.
http://www.transformleaders.tv/seven-steps-to-make-a-difficult-conversation-easier/
Judy Ringer. (2005). Power and Presence Training. http://www.JudyRinger.com
Dr Chris Williams. (2001) Overcoming Depression: A Five Areas Approach. Arnold
Publishers. UK.
Claire Newton. The Five Communication Styles. http://www.clairenewton.co.za/tag/the-fivecommunication-styles.html
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Personal action plan
What are some ideas from the workbook that you would like to put into action?
Action commitments
1.
How would you like to do this?
By when?
31
Action commitments
2.
How would you like to do this?
By when?
32
Action commitments
3.
4.
How would you like to do this?
By when?
For m ore i nf or m at io n an d r es o ur c es , visit the Sector Readiness and Workforce Capacity Initiative
Clearinghouse: http://Communitydoor.org.au/SectorReadiness
The Sector Readiness and Workforce Capacity Initiative is a collaboration between the Department of
Communities, Child Safety and Disability Services, Health and Community Services Workforce Council,
National Disability Services Queensland and the Southern Queensland Institute of TAFE.
This workbook has been developed by Angela Richardson in consultation with National Disability Services
Queensland.