Interpersonal Topics
Emotion
I. Emotion Characteristics
• A. Physiological changes.
–1. Proprioceptive stimuli
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B. Nonverbal reactions.
C. Cognitive interpretations.
D. Types
E. Intensity
II. Influences on emotional
expression
• A. Culture & Social Conventions
• B. Inability to recognize emotions
• C. Fear of self-disclosure
• D. Power
• E. Emotional Contagion
III. Expressing Emotions
• A. Recognize your feelings
• B. Choose the best language
–1. Through single words
–2. Describe what is happening to
you
–3. Describing what you’d like to do
C. Shared mixed emotions
• D. Recognize the difference between
feeling and acting
• E. Choose the best time to express
your feelings
• F. Express your feelings clearly
IV. Managing difficult emotions
• A. Facilitative
–Contribute to effective functioning
–Balanced amount of emotion
–Balanced duration of the emotion
• B. Debilitative
-Keep us from feeling and relating
effectively
–Unhealthy extremes of intensity
(splitting)
–Extreme duration
–Caused by irrational thinking
• C. Debilitative emotions caused by
irrational thinking a.k.a. Fallacies
of. . .
–1. Perfection
–2. Approval
–3. Shoulds / Oughts
–4. Overgeneralization
• a. base a belief on limited evidence
• b. exaggerate shortcomings
• 5. Helplessness
• 6. Catastrophic expectations
• 7. Causation
– a. Thinking our behavior causes emotions in
others prevents us from honesty
– b. Thinking that others’ behavior causes our
emotions.
How it works. . .
Stimulus
(gap)
Response
Event
(thoughts)
Emotions
(person, words,
circumstances)
• Vicktor Frankl “Nobody can take away my
freedom to choose how things will affect me.
We have the power to choose our response.”
• Eleanor Roosevelt “No one can hurt you
without your consent”
• Gandhi “They cannot take away our selfrespect if we do not give it them”
From Blaise Pascal, Physicist
• “God has created a God-shaped
vacuum in the heart of every
person that only God fills through
his son Jesus Christ.”
Managing Emotions
I will control what
I can, but I can’t
Control all circumstances
And I can’t control others
Event, Circumstance, Words, Person, etc
(although I will try to positively influence by my own
Reactions, and even loving, direct challenges to their
Own thinking. But I cannot con them & they are
Ultimately responsible for their own happiness &
reactions just as I am for my own ).
An emotion that fits the thoughts
The part I do control
& can challenge &
Correct.
Thoughts caused by:
Family of origin influences, rational
Thoughts or irrational thinking fallacies,
My self-concept, my core beliefs & values,
Attitudes, & worldview.
My thoughts about it / them
An emotion that fits the thoughts
Express if:
1. I need to for my health
2. Someone else needs to know it
3. Someone cares about me
4. Failure to express it will have worse
results than expressing it would
An emotion that fits the thoughts
Express if:
1. I need to for my health
2. Someone else needs to know it
3. Someone cares about me
4. Failure to express it will have worse
results than expressing it would
Express if:
1. I need to for my health
2. Someone else needs to know it
3. Someone cares about me
4. Failure to express it will have worse
results than expressing it would
Martinson 2003
Counterfeit feeling expressions
• I feel that you are angry at me
• Why are being so mean to me?
• You make me furious
• I feel you are acting hateful to me
Consequences of
unexpressed emotion
What happens when we
don’t express our
emotions?
When we fail to express emotions
accurately, it leads to
A. Inauthentic (shadow) relationships
When we fail to express emotions
accurately, it leads to
B. Misunderstood perceptions
C. Unresolved issues / lack of catharsis
D. Hindrance for others
– Lack of truth
– Lack of fullness
– Living with incompleteness (knowing or not)
– Denying growth / possible repeating mistakes
E. Leaking or exploding of emotions through
other means
Which ones do we express / withhold?
-Ephesians 4:15 “Speaking the truth in Love”
-Balancing truth & love
-Aristotle’s Golden Mean
Not a middle-of-the-Road, but a maximizing of
both
-Rich’s expression: Mean what you say, say what
you mean, but don’t say it mean.
Emotion Exercise!
I. Poor listening behaviors
• 1. Pseudo-listening
• 2. Stage-hogging
• 3. Selective listening
• 4. Insulated listening
• 5. Defensive listening
• 6. Ambushing
• 7. Insensitive listening
II. Reasons we don’t listen
• 1. Message
overload
• 2. Preoccupation
• 3. Rapid thought
• 4. Effort
• 5. External noise
• 6. Hearing problems
• 7. Faulty
assumptions
• 8. Lack of apparent
advantages
• 9. Lack of training
III. Tips for informational listening!
•
•
•
•
•
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1. Talk less.
2. Get rid of distractions
3. Don’t judge prematurely
4. Look for key ideas
5. Ask questions
6. Paraphrase (but not parrott)
– Restate what you thought they meant, request
clarification.
Interpersonal Topics
Listening
I. Poor listening behaviors
Pseudo-listening
• 2. Stage-hogging
• 3. Selective or insulated
listening
• 4. Defensive listening
• 5. Ambushing
• 6. Insensitive listening
• 1.
II. Reasons we don’t listen
• 1. Message
overload
• 2. Preoccupation
• 3. Rapid thought
• 4. Effort
• 5. External noise
• 6. Hearing problems
• 7. Faulty
assumptions
• 8. Lack of apparent
advantages
• 9. Lack of training
III. Tips for informational listening!
•
•
•
•
•
•
1. Talk less.
2. Get rid of distractions
3. Don’t judge prematurely
4. Look for key ideas
5. Ask questions
6. Paraphrase (but not parrott)
– Restate what you thought they meant, request
clarification.
Listening Exercise!
Interpersonal Topics
Conflict
Management
I. Stages
of Conflict
• A. Latent conflict
• B. Perceived conflict
• C. Felt conflict
• D. Manifest conflict
• E. Conflict aftermath
II. Personal Conflict Styles
A. Nonassertion
–Avoidance
–Accommodation
B. Direct Aggression
C. Passive Aggression (discussed
in Week #2)
II. Personal Conflict Styles
(continued)
D. Indirect Communication
E. Assertion
V. Methods of Conflict
Management
• A. Win-lose (competition)
• B. Lose-Win
(accommodation)
• C. Lose-lose (sabbotage)
• D. Compromise
• E. Win-win (collaboration)
Win-Win steps. . .
• 1) Identify problem & needs for yourself
• 2) Find an appropriate time to talk
• 3) Describe the problem & needs to the
other
• 4) Listen to the other’s point of view
• 5) Negotiate a win-win that attempts to
meet needs (not wants) of both. Selfishness
kills any hope for win-win.
• 6) Follow up on the solution
Win-win exercise