Communicating Assertively
Presenter: Adam Sandelson
Teaching & Learning Centre
Why be assertive
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Because - its more than subject knowledge
that makes you successful at studying &
fulfilling your career aspirations
Because - assertiveness is a communication
style that can be useful in job or academic
interviews, presentations, public speaking etc
Because – assertiveness “energizers” your
communication with academics, colleagues,
friends, partners, family etc.
Aims of this session
To discuss assertiveness in terms of;
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What is & isn’t assertiveness,
What it will & will not do
How can someone be more assertive
What do you get from being an assertive
communicator
What isn’t assertiveness
Being Selfish
 Here you are concerned only with your rights &
needs, with little regard for the rights & needs
of others
 Being Aggressive
 Here you are demanding, abrasive & hostile with
others. You are insensitive to other people’s
feelings & their individual rights.
 You succeed with sheer force, creating enemies
& conflict along the way
What isn’t assertiveness
Being Passive-aggressive
You express anger & aggression in a covert
way
 You fail to do your share of the work & make
unreasonable criticisms of authority
Common Traits are
 procrastination, sulking or arguing when you
are asked to do something, complaining
without justification, “forgetting” your
obligations, believing you are better than
others, you can’t stand useful suggestions or
constructive criticism
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What isn’t assertiveness
Being Manipulative
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You get others to feel sorry or guilty to you
get what you want
You play the role of victim or martyr
It only works work when others do not
realise what you are doing
Eventually its makes people feel confused,
“crazy,” angry & resentful towards you
To summarise !
Assertiveness is not
 Being selfish, aggressive, passive-aggressive
or manipulative
Even though we do use these “communicative
tactics” at some point in our lives to get what
we want
- BUT –
Spending your life or time being a nonassertive communicator will bring you much
stress, dissatisfaction & disappointment
Assertiveness Questionnaire
Take a look at the “assertiveness
questionnaire” handout. Read each situation
and define each of your responses as either
aggressive, passive or assertive. Share
your answers!
What is assertiveness
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Direct, open & honest communication with
others
Asking for what you want & saying “no” to what
you don’t want
Not negating, attacking or manipulating others
Respecting the dignity of other people
Standing up for yourself & your rights without
apologising or feeling guilty
Taking responsibility for your own needs
“Energy”
To summarise !
Assertiveness is about
 Being clear about your needs & rights, asking
for what you want, saying no to what you
don’t want
 Using direct, open & honest communication,
taking responsibility, respecting others & not
violating their rights
When you are assertive
 Others will feel comfortable, know where you
stand & respect you for your honesty
 Your needs get met, you experience less
stress & more satisfaction with life in general
What Assertiveness will not do
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Guarantee you happiness or fair treatment
by others
Guarantee that you will automatically get
what you want in life
Guarantee that others will be assertive &
not aggressive towards you
Solve all your personal problems
BUT – a lack of assertiveness will be one
reason that your feelings or needs are not
acknowledged or met by others
How can I be more Assertive
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First recognise that it is culture specific
Recognise that you & everyone else has a
right to your “personal bill of rights” – see
handout
Truly believing that you have a right to
your needs & have a right to ask for what
you want
Taking responsibility to protect your
rights in situations where they are infringed
upon
Personal Bill of Rights
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Is drawn from the idea that we all have basic
human rights
Sometimes we do not realize these rights,
because we were not taught them as
children
Being more conscious & learning to exercise
your rights is the gateway to being more
assertive
What do you think? Are any striking to you?
How can I be more Assertive
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First be aware of your feelings, needs & wants
Then say directly how you feel inside & what
changes you would like to see happen
Use “ I statements” to express yourself
“.. I feel unhappy with your
suggestion & I would like you to listen to
mine..”
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Do not back off or move away from someone
you are addressing (stand your ground)
How can I be more Assertive
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Note that 30% of our communication is
verbal, while 70% is non-verbal
Develop non-verbal assertive behaviours.
These are about your voice tone, gestures,
eye contact, facial expression & posture
(“social signalling”)
Non-verbal behaviours definitely influence
your impact on others
For example; look directly at another person
when addressing them
How can I be more Assertive
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Maintain an open posture – if sitting down
don’t cross your legs/arms - if standing up do
so erectly & on both feet
Stay calm - avoid getting overly emotional or
excited
Practice being assertive through writing, roleplay & real life situations
Don’t assume others just know how you feel,
what you need or want. Make these known
Other people are not mind readers
How can I be more Assertive
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Learn to also say “ no ”
Saying “no” sets limits on other people’s
demands for your time, especially when it
conflicts with your own needs
You can acknowledge the other person’s
request by repeating it back, explain your
reason for declining & then say “no”
If appropriate suggest an alternative
proposal where both your needs will be met
How can I be more Assertive
An example of how to say “ no ”
“..I understand that you would like to get
together tonight [acknowledgement]. It
turns out that I had a really long day & feel
exhausted [explanation], so I will pass on
tonight [saying no]. Perhaps there is
another night later this week when we can
get together – what do you think?..”
[alternative option].
What do I get from being more
assertive
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It enables you to obtain more of what
you need & want in life
It helps minimise stress, frustration &
resentment in your relationships &
interactions with others
It helps you take more risks & ask more
of life in general
It adds to your sense of autonomy,
freedom & self confidence
You definitely gain respect from others
for being direct, open & honest
Coming to the end….
Assertiveness is really about
 Knowing what isn’t & what is assertive
communication, and what it will & will not do
 Ceasing opportunities to be more assertive
 Recognising the value in being assertive
 Increasing the prospect of your rights,
feelings, needs & wants being met
In all ….
 Assertiveness contributes to your academic
success, and it helps fulfil your career & life
ambitions