Conflict
Management
How conflict develops and how to deal with it
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Money
Time
Space
Chores
Interpersonal needs (affection, inclusion, control)
Sharing
Kids
In-laws
And on and on and on…
What do we fight about?
• The actions of one person interfere with or create barriers
for another
Definition of conflict
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Differing goals
Differing on the means of achieving a goal
Differing interpersonal needs
Enactment of behaviors
Sources of Conflict
• Two main types:
• Avoiding
• Erupting
• Specific types
• Belt-lining
• Name calling
• Gunny sacking
Negative Conflict
Management Styles
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A personal attack on another individual
“Hit below the belt”
Use when you aren’t sure what to do
Everyone has emotional beltline
• Issues that fall below the belt are sensitive topics
• When you hit below the belt, you cause the other person
to raise their belt line (cause them to be more sensitive)
• Most used by people you know
Belt-lining
• A form of belt lining
• Calling the other person names that relate to what they
cannot really change
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Socioeconomic status
Physical features
Race
Age
• Name usually has some element of truth
Name calling
• Involves both avoiding and erupting
• Avoid/pile up issues until your “gunny sack” gets full and
you explode
• The “final straw” is usually a minor issue
• Most vulnerable to use this when you are tired or stressed
because you cannot handle as much
• People who gunny sack will continue to build up issues
after an explosion UNLESS they make a conscious effort
to change
Gunny-sacking
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Both parties agree to
“fight fair”
Set out for a win-win
Set a time for the
discussion
Don’t argue when upset
Stop when everyone is
happy
Lower your emotional
beltline
Take responsibility
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Test assumptions,
perceptions
Describe behavior you
find objectionable
Focus on the issue at hand
and the future
Be flexible (your way
may not be the only way)
No excuses
Do a fun thing after
Don’t fear conflict
Positive Conflict
Management Strategies
• Definition: stand up for your rights and wishes directly
while respecting the rights of the other person
Assertive Communication
Aggressive
Communication
Assertive
Communication
• Attack the self concept of
the other individual
• Disregards the rights of
the other person involved
• Seek to dominate and
damage or defeat and
destroy
• Attacks the position held
by the other individual
• Respects the right of both
parties
• Seeks to promote one’s
own needs and wants
while honoring the other
person
Aggressive vs. Assertive
• Fair treatment
• More likely to be assertive when money, grades involved
• Become able to refuse unreasonable requests
• Helps you initiate your own requests
• Promotes responsible expression of feeling
Benefits of Assertiveness
• E.R.A.Empathy, Rationale, Action
• Empathy: show your understanding
• Rationale: present your reason for your answer
• Action: tell what you want them to do or what you will
do if they do not comply (don’t be threatening)
Verbal Assertiveness
In response to a child’s request to stay out late:
“I know that spending time with your friends is important to
you, and you want to have fun. However, it is important to
me that you are safe and get enough rest. You cannot stay
out until 1:00 a.m., but you can have a curfew of 11:00
p.m.”
ERA Example
How would you respond to the following scenarios using the
ERA method?
• Your sixteen-year-old daughter wants a car of her own.
• Your spouse wants to buy an $800 television.
• You want to approach your instructor about a grade
discrepancy.
• You did not receive as much money in your financial aid
refund as you anticipated receiving.
• Your friends want to spend the weekend on a trip out of town,
but you have a big project due on Monday.
Practice!