How to change an insecure child into a strong one that knows and lives it’s talents.
How does a child become insecure?
Children are born with a lot of energy, enthusiasm and curiosity. Because this is how nature
programmed us to learn and develop. Children have to experience, do, feel, participate, try and are
interested in everything on their paths. The world is still new and magical.
But too soon the magic fades because everyone has to be ‘normal’. Good is good enough. You can’t
do this, can’t go there, that is dangerous. All fun and interesting things to learn from are forbidden or
punished for, even with the best intentions. So the world gets a little less interesting.
Everything will be decided for you, things you should or should not do. Or resolved for you before
you even know you want it. This makes creativity and own essence disappear instead of being
stimulated. Children are very resilient. But after enough repetition, the flame will die eventually and
they stop even try or think of anything they might want.
This is where the insecure or unhappy child is born. It may be that for your child this shows as
dependency because it does not know what it’s capable or is afraid to take action without you or
your approval. But also the opposite, rebellious child is an expression of this unsecure and unhappy
feelings. Its flame is still present, but the direction is not.
The child does not know (anymore) what he wants, what he can do what he likes or is good at, in
short, who he is. Because he has not had the experience to explore and discover this on his own
time.
Thus he gets the belief that he can do nothing, is not good at anything specific, and has no certain
interests. This makes them have no energy, or just never satisfied looking for that something which
can bring satisfaction and happiness but will never be found.
Do you have a child who often feels insecure or unhappy, then read on! In this book I describe
several tips and methods to change this or prevent. Every child should be happy!
LeafBehind
Jacqueline Sseggayi-Blankenstein
www.leafbehind.com
Who am I?
I'm Jacqueline, social art therapist. I have always felt more for personal development and regular
healthcare go hand in hand. Every person is born healthy, with qualities and talents. And was
energetic, convinced of his own perfection and happy before this got suppressed or taught otherwise
by the current society.
What I do is take away the barriers that are in the way of the child’s happiness through creative
exercises. On the way we lost our inner power because we went to deal with things that were far
away from who we are and have nothing to do with our being. When you discover again feelings of
joy, experience that you are perfect for who you are and what you can (be) you come back in your
power and you will automatically become healthy and energetic again.
You get back confidence and know what you want. It results in a life that is an expression of who you
are with activities that suit you. Then you will be happy and the best you can be every day.
Besides art therapist, I am also qualified NLP life coach, and I use faster EFT, stories, visualization and
meditative exercises.
I have worked with (sometimes traumatized) children of different ages in different countries and
cultures from primary school to orphanage. But I have also seen children who never lost their power,
eg in Africa, despite bizarre situations. It has become clear to me how that was possible and what
was present for them to keep their inner strength.
All these experiences I use when working with children and I adjust in treatment, exercises, behavior
and time on what the child needs.
Being yourself to me means being happy, with gleaming eyes, passion and joy in life. And of course
also have an off-day every now and then. (but as an exception, not habit)
Methods, tips and exercises for a happy child and potential development.
The methods, tips and exercises can be used in different order, but I have somewhat arranged them
from beginning state to final state. The exercises in the beginning are really intended for when the
child has completely lost sight of itself and who it is. And at the end there are exercises that can be
done when it already knows what he/she wants and how to take steps in this direction.
To clarify what exactly is a talent? Your child:
* Looks forward to it.
* Enjoys it.
* Finds it pretty normal that it’s very good at it.
* The time flies while doing it.
* Is tired afterwards, but not during the activity.
* This still could do this when it is too tired or stressed for other things.
* Feels mentally recharged afterwards.
6 or more? Then this is definitely a situation where your child’s using it’s talents.
LeafBehind
Jacqueline Sseggayi-Blankenstein
www.leafbehind.com
Start with the basics. (Re) discover who you are.
1. What do you love? Occupy yourself with things that are YOU, what suits you. That you're good at.
Even if you suck at it, but just because it makes you happy (sing for example). So you develop a
stronger bond again with your sense of what you need and know what you want to and be happy.
You may find it helps to ask questions like what did you like as a (smaller) child. (parents can help)
What makes you laugh? What do you like wearing, is it comfortable to your skin or do you wear it
just because it looks good? What sports do you like, and what exactly is so much fun about it? Alone
or with others? By thinking of everything you do, you find out what you like or dislike.
We tend to do almost everything on autopilot without even realizing if we actually want to or like it.
For parents, be honest and stimulate things your child likes and choses.(Even if you would prefer it to
play football instead of ballet)
Stop or throw everything you find your child doing but actually doesn’t like at all. (where possible, of
course you can’t quit school or homework.) Do not waste time and energy here.
2. To get closer to the feeling to come together with your child meditate just 5 minutes every day.
Feel how you feel, what thoughts do you have, what emotions, how your body feels, do you have
pain or discomfort. Doing this daily makes your child become accustomed to the voice of his body,
mind and heart. When this gets stronger, is it easier to automatically know and do what makes
him/her happy. And when you do this in the evening, it might also help to sleep better.
3. What comes easily? Often these things you are good at, are also the ones you like most. However
this may also be a quality that you don’t like. If you’re good at taking care for instance, but you don’t
like to, then don’t only because you’re good at it. It should make you happy most of all.
On the other side, it might be that there are qualities behind negative behaviour. Like whining, has
the quality of perseverance ... etc. Can this also be positively transformed? Consider where and how
these qualities can be used more positively and can develop. For example, in a different kind of way
of perseverance instead of whining. (See eg point 8, encourage children to invent solutions instead of
whining.)
4. Many people do not get what they want in life, because they do not know what they want ...
The first step to success is knowing what you want. Let your child agree to sit down and to imagine
what his ideal life looks like. Now or in the future.
What are you, what do you have and do? Need more friends, that beautiful home later, many
adventures / travel, do a sport, starring in a stage play, etc.?
This can be through a visualization exercise while you sit quietly, or through a drawing, or by a story
they make up about themselves about "when he grows up."
Then write it: make a list of goals you want to achieve.
And then hold that list with you: hang it above the bed or desk, on the refrigerator so he/she is
constantly reminded of what he/she wants.
Barriers and support factors.
5. What is the child afraid of or hold him/her back? If the child knows what’s the problem, work on
this by practicing it, and it will find that the fear is usually not realistic. You may do a visualization
exercise. Therefore it is important that you have done the previous exercises and the child knows
what it wants/needs to be happy.
LeafBehind
Jacqueline Sseggayi-Blankenstein
www.leafbehind.com
Have the child sit quietly and breathe and imagine that he is everything that makes him happy. How
does it look, what he do what, with whom etc.
Then ask what to do or learn to get this. Then ask why he did not get this yet. What stops him. If he
says it's scary, then ask what exactly and why? What’s so bad about it if for example you’re don’t fit
in or you’re different? Could this maybe somehow actually be a good thing? Turn the fears, often his
thoughts or feelings, into positive.
Ask lots here. The more precise, the better they can come over this fear.
Is there something that can’t be made positively, than think of how you can practice this fear. For
example, fear of asking for things or help. Think of a small step that it can try first like asking to
borrow an eraser from a classmate, to later ask for real help. So they can see that this fear is nothing
serious in small steps that get bigger one by one.
6. Children often know very well what they need. Listen to this, how crazy it might sometimes seem.
They do not think of this by themselves so you need to help them by asking if they are troubled; what
do you need, or what would help you, or what would make it easier?
7. Tell others about what you are doing. (teacher, daycare, grandparents) So you can obtain more
information in several areas about what your child is interested in, has talent for it or keeps busy.
Others sometimes just see something else.
When you're working on something specifically ask them to do this too, to create the most
stimulating environment.
Steps in the right direction.
8. Encourage children to come up with solutions. Instead of nagging may I may I ... .. Give them a
stimulating assignment; "How can you make sure you get….yourself?" So you teach them to see what
they really want, and fight for it. What they do not really want they will not go through much trouble
for it. This reduces energy waste on unimportant things.
They also learn to think creatively, and find different ways to get something. They learn that no
matter how hopeless something may seem to always (try to) find solutions. The child will become a
naturally positive person who does not sit depressed when something went wrong, but remain more
positive and eventually get where they want.
9. The child must know that he does not have to do everything alone. So it knows together they
achieve more and it’s even easier. Is there something it wants but cannot get himself? Maybe
another person can help you or do this for you, maybe in exchange for something you can do for him.
This way they become more capable. Learning from others who can do things they can’t yet and
learn to challenge themselves how to get something it wants.
10. Punish the behavior, not the child. When the child does something bad, they will all still do, for
example, kick in window. Then first notice it’s quality; wow, your kicks have speed! Then mention
that you noted a window was kicked in and ask if he can maybe play somewhere else or pay more
attention so it doesn’t happen again. Children, or people, are by nature, social beings. They will want
to make you happy by doing this when they understand it. And in this way he feels like being not
rejected but even rewarded with the compliment of his talent and will do his best to watch because
LeafBehind
Jacqueline Sseggayi-Blankenstein
www.leafbehind.com
HE WANTS. (not because he has to and is being told)
Trying to show that it is better for him helps also. Ask him for example, how his idol plays soccer. We
often look up to someone we imitate. Our hero. Would he also just be kicking hard? No, he plays
football with tricks and control, left, right, and the ball will always get where he wants him. The child
will want to go over this practice to be like his idol. And he no longer kick random. He has to come up
with this himself. You only give him the question ... does it really? How does … do that? He will then
even look at it as constructive feedback or help, instead of scolding.
11. Provide the right environment and frequency for the child to express it’s passion. If football is his
passion, let it play at a club, where he can enjoy and develop this talent so that he learns and in the
future kicks no more windows because of better focus and skills. Because only outside (without
supervision) is not the ideal environment to develop this talent. This is the problem with many
talents, they do not get the right environment. So they will look for what comes close, but that
usually results in annoying result, fights, broken things etc. So make sure that the child gets the right
environment once you know what his passion is and it often enough can blow off steam. If you don’t
have much money, let it do one club, that is really it, than 2/3 that are not. Quality is more important
than quantity here.
12. Help your child make plans to gain steps to achieve goals...
I want to be a firefighter? Then in what sport am I going to learn what teamwork is, that’s needed for
this job. Or to be strong. There is often a specific factor in a job or activity that the child likes about it.
Look something further to develop this already where he can now.
Make sure he develops an environment to be who he wants to be. If he wants to help people, let
him save pocket money every week until he knows exactly what he wants to do or who he wants to
help. They learn to think long term, plan, take responsibility and handle money.
13. Start with one thing at a time. Children today have too many impressions, things they need at
home, school, clubs or friends. This ordinary life is pretty stressful. They cannot use 10 things at the
same time, even if they’re good things.
LeafBehind
Jacqueline Sseggayi-Blankenstein
www.leafbehind.com
Epilogue
Have fun using these methods and exercises!
Sometimes there is resistance, let it be there. It is important that the child can go through this
process in its own way, time and tempo. When it wants nothing to do with it, try it again later.
Provide or invent creative ways to offer exercises in another, playful way that suits him more.
Let me know what you are going to use or change after reading this. What are your original ideas to
adapt it to (the life of) your child. What are the challenges you or your child are facing? What insights
have you gained, how was it helpful? Leave your comments on;
http://www.leafbehind.com/blog/
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LeafBehind
Jacqueline Sseggayi-Blankenstein
www.leafbehind.com