1|ROBIN HOOD
ROBIN HOOD
By Don Nigaro
Cast
Character
Description
Robin Hood
leader of the outlaws; a likeable and wise-cracking
hero (much like the heroes of Aladdin or Tangled);
PRINCE JOHN
Evening
performances
Joe Glaser
Matinee
performances
Joe Glaser
A delicious villain—thoroughly evil but witty; must adlib with the audience.
Seiler Smith
Seiler Smith
MARIAN
Spirited, strong-willed; attractive
Madelyn Steurer
Madelyn Steurer
KING RICHARD
(who is also in
disguise as the
DARK MONK
SHERIFF OF
NOTTINGHAM
Imposing figure. In 3 scenes, and needs to dominate
while there. One fight scene.
Kyle Hilbrecht
Kyle Hilbrecht
Needs good comic timing; should seem older;
blustering fool
Eli Meyer
Eli Meyer
CONSTABLE
WATT
MERRY MEN:
A buffoon—mispronounces words; talkative;
Stupid but confident
Thomas Dougherty
Thomas Dougherty
Trent Schroeder
Trent Schroeder
Little John
Typical sidekicks. Two fight scenes. lots of physical
comedy. Also each one performs in a semi-improv
between scenes (interact with audience
large, shy
Will Stutely
Will Scarlet
The brains; Robin’s right-hand man
Flirtatious, the pretty boy
Ben Otten
Henry Carnes
Ben Otten
Henry Carnes
Friar Tuck
Silly, jovial—usually portrayed as plump
Abishek Mahesh
Abishek Mahesh
Davy
o’Doncaster
Much the
Miller
YORICK
Most innocent and youngest of the outlaws
Cameron Williams
Cameron Williams
A strong, silent outlaw
Phillip Miller
Phillip Miller
Star Turn. Elderly incompetent jester; needs great
comic timing;
Star Turn. Foreign jester; must be great comedian;
needs to improvish gibberish (Harpo Marx)
Marian’s dad; rich and pompous; comic
Michael Hommrich
Michael Hommrich
Michael Hommrich
Michael Hommrich
Robert Jarrett
Matt Vetter
Daniel Dambros
Taylor Lawson
Erik Vokoun
Michael Herde
Alex Young
Robert Jarrett
GROK
LORD STEPHEN
COOTIE
FLINT
BREKKA
GIL REDCAP
DICCON
CRUIKSHANKS
A drunk in the tavern
Crippled beggar—long speech
Star turn. Translator for GROK, Strong comic ability
King John’s comic and timid soldier. Two fight scenes.
King John’s comic and timid soldier. Two fight scenes.
King John’s comic and timid soldier. Two fight scenes.
Taylor Lawson
Erik Vokoun
2|ROBIN HOOD
Sir Gawain
Sir Gareth
Sir Kay
Sir Bedivere
Sir Tristan
Sir Galahad
Sir Roland
Sir Parsifal
EADOM
CRAZY BERTIE
ELLIS
JEMMY
PICK
PERK
RIFF
RAFF
FRENCH
EXECUTIONER
EXECUTIONER’S
BOYS
A knight who works for Prince John; one fight scene.
SAL
Few lines but lots of physical comic action; servant to
Bronwyn.
Comic sidekick; silly; hooks up with Friar Tuck
LADY QUIGLEY
BRONWYN
QUEEN ELEANOR
GWENNY
GRANNY
MINSTREL
Character
A knight who works for Prince John; one fight scene.
A knight who works for Prince John; one fight scene.
A knight who works for Prince John; one fight scene.
A knight who works for Prince John; one fight scene.
A knight who works for Prince John; one fight scene.
A knight who works for Lord Stephan; two fight scenes.
A knight who works for Lord Stephan; two fight scenes.
Bad-tempered innkeeper
Spooky fortune teller (could be girl)
A young peasant who works at the tavern
A young peasant who works at the tavern
A page to King John
A page to King John
A peasant
A peasant
The rough executioner
The boys who assists the executioner
Prince John’s cheap girlfriend—Jersey girl type;
sarcastic
Spends most of her stage time asleep; a sharp-tongued
battle-axe; must dominate stage in the final scene
A child; frail; waif; major player in her one scene
Doddering old woman; needs good sense of comedy
Sings between scenes
Description
Orion Johns
Nolan Hovell
Alex Willinger
Andrew Van Camp
Michael Doheny
Houston Hart
Jack Crone
Jack Raque
Alex Underwood
Orion Johns
Nolan Hovell
Alex Willinger
Andrew Van Camp
Michael Doheny
Houston Hart
Jack Crone
Jack Raque
Alex Underwood
Nicole Karem
Daniel Stapp
Matt Hess
Conner Dosch
Kyle Moert
Bernadette Stone
Sarah Schweitzer
Ross Vessels
Ross Vessels
Nathan Summers
Noah LeClaire
Sam Holt
Sydney Sims
Nathan Summers
Noah LeClaire
Sam Holt
Sydney Sims
Katie Reilly
Katherine Glaser
Katie Reilly
Katherine Glaser
Collette Priddy
Collette Priddy
Rachel Beavin
Natalie Knoer
Jasmine Young
Evening
performances
Anna Medley
Ailiyah Alim
Jasmine Young
Matinee
performances
Scenes
1. Sherwood Forest
2. Prince John’s Throne
room
3. Robin’s camp
4. Blue Boar Inn
5. Robin’s camp
6. Prince John’s throne
room
7. Gwenny’s hovel
8. Lord Stephen’s Great
Hall
9. Prince John’s throne
room
10. Nottingham Square
11. Sherwood Forest
12. Courtyard of the
Castle
3|ROBIN HOOD
SCENE 1: Sherwood Forest.
MARIAN enters for a picnic, accompanied by QUIGLY, SHERIFF, CONSTABLE WATT, GIL, REDCAP, DICCON,
SIR ROLAND, SIR PARSIFAL, and CRUIKSHANK. GIL labors carrying the enormously heavy picnic
basket for MARIAN who is determined to be cheerful. Everyone else is nervous.
MARIAN: Isn’t this charming? So primeval. I do adore the forest so—doesn’t it make you joyous?
LADY QUIGLY: It makes me itch.
MARIAN: Let’s have our lunch right here. (GIL, in relief, puts the basket down.)
SHERIFF: It’s much too late for lunch, milady, and we shouldn’t stray so distant from the horses. (GIL
dutifully picks the basket up.)
MARIAN: Sheriff, I will not consumer lunch while horses perform bodily functions in close proximity to
my potato salad. (GIL puts the basket down again.)
SHERIFF: But we mustn’t stop, milady, seeing as how we may not know exactly for certain that where we
think we are is not in fact the place we ought to be. (GIL dutifully picks the basket up.)
MARIAN: Does that mean we’re lost?
SHERIFF: Lost? Oh, no, milady, we’re not lost. (Fake laugh.) Lost are we? (Fake laugh.) Us lost? (Fake
laugh.) We? Lost? (Fake laugh.)
MARIAN: I take it that means yes. (GIL sits down, basket in his lap.)
CONSTABLE: Do not fear, milady, for I never in my lost was lost, not even the time I run into a tree on a
night as black as my cat’s rump hair, and didst stagger headfirstwise, WUNK, into a bog hole that
smelt like the place cheese goes to die, but I wasn’t lost, for they did nose me out from a mile or
three distant on account of the sump-hole stench was all about my person, so I was found
comparatively quick, through I was not too popular for a fortnight after, except with my
brother’s uncle’s pig which fell enamored of me and had to be sold.
SHERIFF: Then, Constable, where exactly are we?
CONSTABLE: Same place we was half an hour ago. In fact, we been here several times today.
SHERIFF: You mean we’ve been going around in circles?
CONSTABLE: No, sir, we’ve just been coming back to the same location.
SHERIFF: I think you’re right. I recognize this place.
CONSTABLE: Then you’re not lost, are you?
4|ROBIN HOOD
SHERIFF: But where exactly are we on the map?
CONSTABLE: Oh, we ain’t on the map, sir. We’re in the forest—you can tell by all the trees.
MARIAN: Wherever we are, I like it.
SHERIFF: I tell you, this is not a safe place to stop in.
MARIAN: If you don’t know where we are, how do you know if it’s safe or not?
LADY QUIGLY: Are there bears?
DICCON: I’m deathly afraid of bears.
REDCAP: Bears?
CONSTABLE: Me uncle Dob was et by a bear in the woods. ‘Twas a tragical thing, let me tell you. He’d
gone off to do what no man could do for him—if you take my meaning—and the bear smelt him
out. It was tragical.
SHERIFF: There are no bears in these parts.
LADY QUIGLY: Thank goodness.
SHERIFF: Wolves maybe.
LADY QUIGLY: Wolves?
CRUIKSHANKS: I did hear once that a Dark Monk creeps through the forest here with a death’s head for
a face. He drags you off when it’s time to die.
SHERIFF: It’s not spooks or wolves that we need to worry about—it’s outlaws.
LADY QUIGLY: Outlaws?
CONSTABLE: We found bits of me uncle scattered through the woods—the bear dropped pieces of him
along the way like a trail of breadcrumbs. That’s how I got me lucky finger—see? (He pulls out
an embalmed finger.) I keeps it in me pocket always. . .except when bathing. (All react.)
MARIAN: Surely no outlaws in the world would be foolish enough to attack the Sheriff of Nottingham
and Prince John’s finest soldiery.
GIL: Where?
DICCON: I think she means us, Gil.
CONSTABLE: Oh, it’s true, milady, we doesn’t wants to be hangin’ about here too long or we might be
hangin’ about indefinitely, like hams from the trees, for the robbers may jump out of these
5|ROBIN HOOD
bushes at any time and slash yer throat from one ear to t’other straight across like a sack o’
wheat, and do it so neatly that for the first thirty seconds you was dead, you wouldn’t even
know it.
SHERIFF: Milady, I swore to your bridegroom, Prince John that I’d get you safe to Nottingham by sunset.
It’s lunacy to stay in these woods, for here the outlaw Robin Hood does lurk, a bloody murderer
with many desperate men. (The OLD LADY –in a long cloak and hood--bursts into the clearing,
screaming.)
OLD LADY: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! Oh, Lordy, it be people. It be udder humid beans, oh
thankee, Lordy, I be saved.
SHERIFF: Pull yourself together, woman.
MARIAN: Don’t be cross with her. She’s upset.
LADY QUIGLY: She’s a dirty peasant woman, milady, and you don’t want to be touching her for the hoof
and mouth’s going round again.
MARIAN: Oh, rot. (To the OLD LADY.) What’s the matter, dear? Have you fallen on bad times?
OLD LADY: And on me arse! Oh, missy, I been so frightened.
RECAP: By bears?
OLD LADY: By outlaws! I been chased and chased again and then chased once again. I been chased so
many times I’ve lost count.
DICCON: These be desperate outlaws indeed.
OLD LADY: They was led by that terrible villain, Robin Hood.
CONSTABLE: I knowed this was going to be a poor day when I stepped out of me trundle bed directly
into me thundermug!
SHERIFF: Are you certain it was Robin Hood?
CRUIKSHANK: He’s close by then?
OLD LADY: Oh, lawdy, he’s nearer than you thinks. I’m so frightened I can barely hold my water.
(Clutches the SHERIFF desperately).
SHERIFF: Madam, control yourself. GET THIS WOMAN OFF ME!
CONSTABLE: Here, missus, let the Sheriff go. We’ll protect you from them outlaws. Come on, fellas,
help me free the Sheriff. (While the SOLDIERS and CONSTABLE help untangle the SHERIFF, they
are quietly being surrounded by Merry Men.)
6|ROBIN HOOD
WILL STUTELY: Take your hands off that woman, Sheriff! She’s too good for the likes of you!
GIL: Oh, begob, we’re in for it now!
DICCON: Outlaws!
REDCAP: Help!
SHERIFF: Silence, you ninnies. I see Will Scarlet and Little John and all the rest, but where is that coward,
Robin Hood? Does he dare not show his face near me?
ROBIN: Near you? Sweetie, I’ve got you! (He whips off his hood, cloak, and wig to reveal himself. ) You
really ought to bathe more often, Sheriff. The smell of you is something terrible!
REDCAP: (Hysterical). IT’S ROBIN HOOD! (The other SOLDIERS also start yelling, “It’s Robin Hood,” and
race about, running into each other. A big battle ensues with lots of ad-libbing, but it ends with
the SHERIFF and SOLDIERS fleeing and the OUTLAWS surrounding MARIAN and QUIGLY).
WILL SCARLET: What a fearsome group!
LITTLE JOHN: Look at ‘em go!
DAVY: Looks like a marathon race!
ROBIN: Ladies, your escort seems to have left without you.
(LADY QUIGLY falls to her knees in front of LITTLE JOHN.)
LADY QUIGLY: If you must take someone, take me.
LITTLE JOHN: (Not too thrilled at this prospect.) Do I have to, Robin?
MARIAN: If you mean to do us harm, I must warn you that my father is a rich and powerful noble.
ROBIN: How rich?
MARIAN: I can’t discuss my father’s money with a murderer in the forest.
ROBIN: Then you shouldn’t have brought it up in the first place. What are you doing in the forest
anyway?
MARIAN: I’m on my way to Nottingham to marry Prince John. Even though we’ve never met, he has
sent word that he has fallen desperately in love with me. (The OUTLAWS burst out in laughter.)
ROBIN: Is that what he told you?
MARIAN: What do you mean, is that what he told me? Why are they laughing?
7|ROBIN HOOD
ROBIN: I don’t want to disillusion you, but Prince John is not the most trustworthy person in the world
at—(He takes a casual step toward her and she jumps back.)
MARIAN: Don’t come near me or I’ll kill myself.
ROBIN: And how will you do that?
MARIAN: (a beat while she desperately searches for an idea.) I’ll stab myself with my brooch.
DAVEY: No, I got your brooch, miss! (He holds it up.)
MARIAN: Give that back, you savage!
ROBIN: Now you behave yourself. I can’t very well let you have sharp objects if you’re going to impale
yourself with them now, can I? Especially since none of us have been properly introduced. That
savage with your brooch is Davey O’Doncaster. (DAVEY makes a savage sound.) And this bluff
fellow here is Will Stutely.
WILL STUTELY: At yer service, miss.
ROBIN: Next to him is Much the Miller.
MUCH: (mumbles something unintelligible.)
ROBIN: And this handsome devil’s Will Scarlet. Watch out for him—he’s a lady-killer. (LADY QUIGLY
screams and grabs the nearest outlaw.)
WILL SCARLET: I am charmed beyond reason, ma belle.
ROBIN: And this dainty thing is Little John.
LITTLE JOHN: (Shy and mountainous.) Pleased to know you, miss.
ROBIN: And that distinguished-looking gentleman grazing on the remains of your picnic is Friar Tuck.
FRIAR TUCK: (Waves a chicken leg at her.) God bless you, child. (Belches.)
ROBIN: And I am Robin hood, the bloodthirsty savage, and you are Maid Marian, the daughter and only
child of Lord Stephen of Trent. . .you see, even out here in the forest we know one or two
things. Now, what we’ve got to ponder, is just what we savages are going to do with you. What
do you think, men? Shall we disembowel her?
WILL SCARLET: I’d like to kiss her first.
ROBIN: I don’t think she wants to be kissed. At least not yet.
MARIAN: I demand that you release us immediately.
8|ROBIN HOOD
ROBIN: I can’t very well set you loose here in the middle of Sherwood Forest.
DAVY: The Sheriff himself was lost, and he spends a good deal of time lurking about in these parts.
LITTLE JOHN: How do you expect to find your way home?
MARIAN: We’ll risk it.
ROBIN: Yes, but I won’t. They’ll say I murdered you, and I prefer to be guilty of what I’m accused of.
Let’s see, I could sell you to the trolls.
MARIAN: What!
ROBIN: No, I like the trolls. I know! We could feed you to Friar Tuck.
FRIAR TUCK: Sorry. I gave up cannibalism for Lent.
ROBIN: Well, that’s out, then. I suppose you’ll just have to come back to camp with us until we can
puzzle out some convenient way of disposing of you.
MARIAN: I refuse categorically to move from this spot! (Sits down.)
ROBIN: From this spot here?
MARIAN: Absolutely. (LADY QUIGLY sits down next to her to show solidarity.)
ROBIN: All right then. Little John, you get the tall one, and I’ll take this one myself.
LITTLE JOHN: Lord, I do hate this. (Slings LADY QUIGLY over his shoulder as she screams.) Gor, Robin, it’s
like carrying a baqg o’ eels to church.
ROBIN: So who’s next!
MARIAN: I’ll go, I’ll go! Just keep your hands off me. Lady Quigly, are you all right?
LADY QUIGLY: I’m attempting to faint, milady, but it’s difficult with all this excitement.
ROBIN: Get the rest of the booty, lads, and bring along the horses. (To Marian.) Scoot! SCOOT! (She
scuttles off after LITTLE JOHN.)
(As the next scene is being set up, The MINSTREL sings her song while one of the MERRY MEN does a
comic bit stealing from the rich.)
Minstrel:
ROBIN HOOD, ROBIN HOOD, RIDING THROUGH THE GLEN,
ROBIN HOOD, ROBIN HOOD, WITH HIS BAND OF MEN,
TAKES FROM THE BAD, GIVES TO THE GOOD—
9|ROBIN HOOD
(In each interim, one of the Merry Men does a comic bit stealing from one of the rich.)
ROBIN HOOD, ROBIN HOOD.
10 | R O B I N H O O D
Scene 2: Nottingham Castle Throne Room.
PRINCE JOHN is brooding and watching the elderly YORICK try to stand on his head. QUEEN ELEANOR is
apparently asleep on the throne. JOHN’S mistress, BRONWYN, is having her hair brushed by SAL, a
Serving Lass. PRINCE JOHN’S FOUR KNIGHTS guard the doors.
BRONWYN: (Observing YORICK.) He’s going to hurt himself, you know.
PRINCE: I know, but it amuses Mother to watch him fall.
BRONWYN: I don’t think she’s amused. I think she’s dead. She hasn’t moved since Thursday.
QUEEN: (With eyes still closed.) I shall dance on your grave, you disease-ridden cow!
PRINCE JOHN: Be nice, Mother.
QUEEN: My life grows more lugubrious by the hour. Tell him to astonish me.
PRINCE JOHN: Come on, Yorick. Mother’s getting bored and my bride-to-be is late. Do something
funny. (YORICK has his head on the ground and his legs half bent into a head-stand.) Yorick!
YORICK! (YORICK snores.) WAKE UP, YOU IDIOT! (He kicks YORICK in the backside, and YORICK
falls over, screaming. SAL jumps and pulls BRONWYN’s hair.)
BRONWYN: (Smacking SAL.) Ouch! That hurts!
SAL: Sorry, miss.
PRINCE JOHN: Come on, Yorick, do something funny or Mother will be very cross with you.
YORICK: Funny?
PRINCE JOHN: Yes, and all those good folks out there—(Indicates the audience.)—are getting bored. .
.and do you know what audiences do when they’re bored? (YORICK shakes his head no.) They
hang the jester. In fact, I see—(Describes an audience member in the front row, something like
“that blonde boy wearing the Indianapolis Colts t-shirt in the front row; if possible, choose a
confident-looking child.)—_____________ has smuggled in a rope for that very purpose. (Calls.)
Stand up blonde-boy-in-the-Indianapolis-Colts-t-shirt. Isn’t that right? Haven’t you indeed
smuggled in a length of rope in hopes of being able to hang a boring jester? (Plays off the answer
of the audience member—if he says “Yes,” JOHN compliments him. If he says “No,” JOHN then
orders a tech crew member to go check under the seat. The tech crew member—with a rope under
his shirt—goes out there and pretends to find it. This should be clumsily done so the whole
audience sees that it’s a set-up. JOHN then ad-libs with the audience member—perhaps even
commanding the tech crew member to hang the audience member—until the QUEEN interrupts.)
QUEEN: Could we please get on with this show? My royal bowels move every night at eight-thirty sharp,
and I don’t intend to miss my regular appointment with my royal chamber pot.
11 | R O B I N H O O D
PRINCE: So, Yorick, do something funny this instant!
YORICK: Funny?
PRINCE JOHN: Funny. You know—jokes! You remember jokes.
YORICK: Jokes?
PRINCE JOHN: Get up and tell some jokes or you’ll be hanged, and the Queen will poop all over our
stage.
YORICK: Yes, yes, I have a jest. Oh yes. This one be a genuine loin-slapper. You see, a certain fellow
doth think to peruse one afternoon in a tavern whence he cometh to quaff sack, and in a mood to
have much merry jest, doth leap manfully huggermugger upon a table—(he tries to illustrate with
a manful leap upon the table and falls on his face.)
BRONWYN: He never could do that.
YORICK: Fear not, I’m quite all right. And this same fellow did proceed to open up his patripotestal
clout—and lo and behold—he had secreted into his clout a bird of the duck variety which
protrudes its head from the arrhenotokous pouch in the midst of said jesting fellow’s
pantaloonst—(trying to brace himself against the table, he knocks it over and falls on the ground
again.)
QUEEN: We should have this man put to sleep. (The SHERIFF enters with his MEN.)
SIR GAWAIN: Who goes there?
SHERIFF: The Sheriff of Nottingham—
SIR GARETH: Your business?
SHERIFF: We’re here to see Prince John.
PRINCE JOHN: Don’t bother me—I’m attempting to amuse myself.
SHERIFF: Sire, I think you might want to know that—
PRINCE JOHN: Come on, Yorick, come on, boy, you can do it, get up, upsy daisy, attaboy, good dog—
YORICK: So the merry fellow hath the head of yon duck protruding from his manly trew and did ordereth
a hearty usquebaugh from a comely serving wench, and a plate for the birdie. And as the merry
fellow quathed the usquebaugh—
SHERIFF: Sire, please.
PRINCE JOHN: All right, all right, but I’m warning you now this had better be good news.
12 | R O B I N H O O D
SHERIFF: Well, sire, it’s actually. . .uh. . .RATHER good news. . .partly. That is, the escort for Maid Marian
has got safely through the forest and has arrived at the castle. I led it personally.
PRINCE JOHN: That IS good news. Excellent, Sheriff. Now where’s the wench? When can I see her?
SHERIFF: That, sire, as a small part of the news which is perhaps not quite as good.
PRINCE JOHN: What? Have you brought me bad news?
SHERIFF: Not really BAD news, sire, exactly—
PRINCE JOHN: Doesn’t she want to see me?
SHERIFF: Oh, no, sire. I’m sure she’d LOVE to see you. It’s just that you can’t see here quite yet.
PRINCE JOHN: Yes, I can. I’m the Prince. I run the realm. I rule the roost. I’m the chief gander of the
gaggle, the leader of the pack, the Queen’s representative on earth. I can see her any time I want
to.
SHERIFF: Except when she’s not here.
PRINCE JOHN: Well, of course I can’t see her when she’s not here. I’m not the Holy Ghost. That’s why I
want you to bring her in so I can see her.
SHERIFF: But that’s why you can’t see her, sire.
PRINCE JOHN: What have you brought me—an invisible woman?
SHERIFF: No, sire.
PRINCE JOHN: THEN WHY CAN’T I SEE HER?
SHERIFF: Because she isn’t here.
PRINCE JOHN: I KNOW SHE ISN’T HERE—THAT’S WHY I CAN’T SEE HER.
SHERIFF: Exactly.
YORICK: And then the duck in the jesting fellow’s tresserated trews—(Begins to laugh—which turns into
a fit of hiccups).
PRINCE JOHN: Listen to me, Sheriff—did the escort reach the castle safely or didn’t it? (YORICK hiccups.)
SHERIFF: Yes, sire, it did. (YORICK hiccups.)
PRINCE JOHN: Then why can’t I see Maid Marian? (YORICK hiccups.)
13 | R O B I N H O O D
SHERIFF: Because, sire, while the escort did in fact reach the castle safely, Maid Marian did not. (YORICK
hiccups.)
PRINCE JOHN: WHAT DID YOU DO—FORGET HER? (YORICK hiccups.)
SHERIFF: She was captured, sire, by Robin Hood and his men. (YORICK hiccups.)
PRINCE JOHN: ROBIN HOOD? CAPTURED BY ROBIN HOOD? (YORICK staggers around stage desperately
trying to stifle his hiccups. Finally he puts a bag over his head.)
BRONWYN: (To SAL, gesturing toward YORICK). Get him something to drink.
SAL: Yes, sire.
QUEEN: (Eyes still closed.) And I’ll take some wine!
PRINCE JOHN: YOU LET THOSE FILTY OUTLAWS DRAG OFF MY NEW BRIDE-TO-BE WHILE YOU SCUTTLED
SAFELY BACK TO NOTTINGHAM LIKE A PACK OF RABBITS? IS THAT WHAT YOU CALL AN ESCORT?
(YORICK begins to stagger into furniture.)
SHERIFF: We felt someone should report it, sir.
PRINCE JOHN: ALL OF YOU LEFT THAT SWEET, INNOCENT, YOUNG WENCH IN THE HANDS OF A
DEPRAVED BUNCH OF MURDERERS IN THE DARK MIDDLE OF THE DARK FOREST AND THEN YOU
COME BACK AND TELL ME YOU’VE GOT GOOD NEWS? DID YOU HEAR THAT, MOTHER? (THE
QUEEN snores loudly.) WAKE UP, MOTHER!
BRONWYN: Let her be. She’s got to be at least a hundred and seven years old. (YORICK’s hiccups
increase in intensity.)
SHERIFF: Well, it could be worse, sire.
PRINCE JOHN: WORSE? HOW COULD IT BE WORSE?
GIL: She might have been eaten by a bear.
PRINCE JOHN: A BEAR? A BEAR? (He begins strangling the SHERIFF as SAL returns with a pitcher of
water on a tray. SAL is concerned on keeping the tray—which is too big for her—balanced
properly. YORICK blunders into her, spilling the contents everywhere—mostly over SAL. SAL
screams. YORICK begins to choke. He clutches his throat and falls over with a whack, the bag still
on his head. The SHERIFF, now having his head beaten against a table, points to YORICK. ) All
right—what is it? (YORICK is lying spread eagle on the floor. SAL is whimpering and mopping up
the spill, from time to time lifting up one of YORICK’s limbs to mop under it.) Hallo—what is this?
(He drops the SHERIFF’s head—THUD.) I do believe old Yorick hath pulled the royal croak! Bloody
hell! Sheriff!
SHERIFF: Yes?
14 | R O B I N H O O D
PRINCE JOHN: I want every able-bodied person combing the forest for Maid Marian, and I want it
posted—twenty-thousand gold coins for Robin Hood’s head, dead or alive.
SHERIFF: Yes, sire.
PRINCE JOHN: And order me a new jester.
SHERIFF: Yes, sire.
PRINCE JOHN: And Sherriff—
SHERIFF: Yes, sire?
PRINCE JOHN: If I don’t have Robin Hood’s head on a platter within two days time, I’ll have yours
instead. (The SHERIFF gasps. THE PRINCE kicks YORICK.) And get rid of this body.
SHERIFF: Yes, sire. (The SHERIFF drags the body out, only to bump into the back of SAL who has finally
gotten the tray stacked back up with the pitcher and crockery. The dishes go flying again. SAL lets
out an immense wail.)
PRINCE JOHN: Stop that blubbering!
SHERIFF: Yes, sire.
PRINCE JOHN: Not you, idiot! Her! (The PRINCE gives SAL a shove and more crockery goes flying. SAL
starts to cry, but a glare from the PRINCE shuts her up. The QUEEN gives a loud snore. The PRINCE
whirls around and kicks her chair.) WAKE UP, YOU FOUL-SMELLING, LECHEROUS OLD GORGON!
BRONWYN: You’re a very tense person, you know that?
QUEEN: What? Who? What? What is it?
PRINCE JOHN: Tense? Me? Tense? I’ve got nerves of walnut! (SAL, who has collected everything back
on the tray, backs out of the room, so busy looking at the PRINCE that she fails to notice the wall
and bumps into it, scattering the tray’s contents. . .again.) WILL YOU WATCH WHAT YOU’RE
DOING? (SAL bursts into tears.)
BRONWYN: You big bully!
PRINCE JOHN: Idiots! I’m surrounded by idiots! (As he starts to storm out the room, he slips on the
liquid from the tray and goes crashing to the floor.)
QUEEN: Now that’s funny.
(As the next scene is being set up, The MINSTREL sings her song while one of the MERRY MEN does a
comic bit stealing from the rich.)
15 | R O B I N H O O D
Scene 3: Robin’s Camp in the FOREST
The OUTLAWS are scattered about—eating, sewing, whittling—as the scene starts. MARIAN sits in a
corner and broods. LITTLE JOHN and DAVY go over to where ROBIN and WILL SCARLET are eating.
WILL STUTELY: We got a problem with the young lady, Robin.
ROBIN: She demanding finger bowls and gold spoons?
DAVEY: She won’t eat nothin’
LITTLE JOHN: It ain’t that I’m offended exactly. I mean, taste is taste, and I ain’t been to Par-ee to study
fancy qwee-zeen. I’m just scared she’ll expire on us. . .ladies being fragile and all.
WILL SCARLET: She doesn’t look fragile to me, Johnny boy.
DAVY: Get her to eat somethin’, Robin.
MUCH: We’re worried about her.
ROBIN: All right. I’ll give it a try.
(Suddenly the sounds of “Far Over the Misty Mountains” is heard, and the DWARVES hike into
view.)
Wrong story!
THORIN: Sorry! Dwarves—about face!
(As “Far Over the Misty Mountains” plays, the DWARVES hike out.)
ROBIN: (ROBIN takes the food to MARIAN.) Not hungry this evening? (MARIAN turns away.) Too ill to
speak? My men are worried about you. If you’re not feeling well, we can get the healer from the
village to come in with leeches and bleed you.
MARIAN: I’m not ill. I just do not converse with outlaws!
ROBIN: Sorry!
MARIAN: What have you done with Lady Quigly? Why are you keeping her from me?
ROBIN: I haven’t done anything with her. She was having heart palpitations. Friar Tuck is looking after
her.
MARIAN: Friar Tuck? (LADY QUIGLY bursts in, screaming and giggling, chased by a flirtatious FRIAR
TUCK. They run around MARIAN and out again.)
16 | R O B I N H O O D
ROBIN: She seems to be feeling better.
MARIAN: That revolting man is not a Friar.
ROBIN: That revolting man has many excellent qualities of which one is a tolerance for the frailties of
others, a virtue that you seem to be a bit deficient in. And he IS a Friar. . .as far as I know.
Actually, we’re all quite devout here.
MARIAN: And what do all of you worship? Trees?
ROBIN: Don’t speak ill of trees. Our Lord was crucified upon a tree, and long before that, trees were
symbols connected with rebirth, eternal life, and also with knowledge—as shown by the tree in
the Garden of Eden which this place—
MARIAN: I do not discuss scripture with outlaws.
ROBIN: Your supper’s getting cold. Don’t you eat with outlaws, either?
MARIAN: I don’t eat food stolen from the mouths of honest people.
ROBIN: My girl, you’ve been eating food stolen from the mouths of honest people all your life.
MARIAN: I am not your girl, and I’ve never done any such thing.
ROBIN: What does your father do for a living?
MARIAN: You know perfectly well what he does. He’s a nobleman, so he doesn’t do anything. (A beat.)
What I mean is—
ROBIN: He’s a landlord.
MARIAN: We have peasants living and working on our land, yes.
ROBIN: Do you pay many visits to the people who live on your father’s land?
MARIAN: We pass by quite often in our coach. (A beat.) They wave at us.
ROBIN: How many fingers do they hold up? (A beat.)
WILL STUTELY: Pardon, Robin, but we have the inventory of what was taken from the Sheriff’s party.
ROBIN: Good. What have we got?
WILL STUTELY: One case of French wine and a sack of fresh peaches.
ROBIN: I think we can find some use for that.
WILL STUTELY: A strong box containing 97 gold pieces, the rent from Concaster.
17 | R O B I N H O O D
ROBIN: We’ll hang onto that, too, for right now.
MARIAN: Criminal. Thief. Hypocrite.
WILL STUTELY: One shipment of pickles and herring for Eadom at the Blue Boar Inn.
ROBIN: We’ll deliver that tomorrow. Mind you keep Friar Tuck out of it.
WILL STUTELY: Can we deliver it tonight? The herring’s stinking up the whole camp.
ROBIN: All right. We’ll take the risk. What else.
WILL STUTELY: A trunk containing many dresses and—
MARIAN: My clothes. If you lay your filthy hands upon my clothing, you barbarian—
WILL STUTELY: (Offended.) I washed my hands before I ate my supper, miss! I hope you can say the
same.
ROBIN: Cut the gowns up into squares.
WILL STUTELY: Righto! (Exits.)
MARIAN: Into squares? Cut my gowns into squares? You wouldn’t dare!
ROBIN: Yes, I would.
MARIAN: You. . .you. . .you. . .ANIMAL!
ROBIN: Now there you go again—first you’re slandering the trees. . .and now the animals. Remember
that you yourself are a kind of animal. . .the kind which has the power to choose what kind of
animal it is. . .although you abuse your gift.
MARIAN: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
ROBIN: It’s not a jackal’s fault that he’s jackal—he’s got no choice—but if a landlord, say, should choose
to conduct his business like a jackal, well. . .that’s different.
MARIAN: You ARROGANT, CONTEMPTIBLE, HEARTLESS, DISPICABLE—
ROBIN: You’re being hysterical.
MARIAN: DON’T CALL ME HYSTERICAL. I’M NOT HYSTERICAL. I’M FURIOUS.
ROBIN: Well, good, that’s a start anyway.
18 | R O B I N H O O D
MARIAN: EITHER RELEASE ME OR KILL ME AND BE DONE WITH IT. I WILL NOT SIT BY AND WATCH MY
EXPENSIVE GOWNS BE CUT UP INTO SQUARES PURELY OUT OF SPITE.
ROBIN: Would you like a make a little trip with me tomorrow.
MARIAN: CERTAINLY NOT. (A beat.) Where?
ROBIN: To visit your father’s estate.
MARIAN: You want to take me home?
ROBIN: I might, if you’ll stop shrieking at me long enough to eat your supper.
MARIAN: I don’t believe you. You’re just trying to get me to shut up.
ROBIN: Yes, frankly, I would like you to shut up. I’d also like you to eat something, but I’m not lying. I’m
attempting to strike a simple bargain, despite the fact that I rather guess that bargaining is
another of those numerous activities you do not engage in with outlaws.
MARIAN: So if I agree to be quiet—
ROBIN: And eat your supper.
MARIAN: And eat that loathsome mess there, you’ll take me to my father’s estate tomorrow?
ROBIN: That’s it.
MARIAN: How do I know I can trust you?
ROBIN: You don’t. But if I’m lying, you’ll find out soon enough, and then you can scream all you want
and never trust an outlaw again, all right?
MARIAN: I could be dead by tomorrow.
ROBIN: You might be if you don’t eat.
MARIAN: What if I refuse?
ROBIN: Then I’ll hog tie you, force feed you, then place a gag in your mouth, and stuff you in a potato
sack for the night. I will not have anybody going hungry in my camp, nor will I have a hyst—
furious woman howling my whereabouts to half the population of England. So now will you be
still and eat your supper—yes or no?
MARIAN: What is it? It looks quite dreadful.
ROBIN: It’s beans. It’s quite good.
MARIAN: Aren’t you poachers? Don’t you live on venison?
19 | R O B I N H O O D
ROBIN: Not often, no.
MARIAN: But they say you’re the best archer in all England.
ROBIN: Oh, I am. But to be perfectly honest, I don’t like killing very much. Try to keep it quiet, will you?
It’s bad for business.
MARIAN: You don’t seem to mind killing the Sheriff’s men.
ROBIN: Have you seen me kill anyone?
MARIAN: Well, no, not actually, but—
ROBIN: Did you see any of my men kill anybody?
MARIAN: No, but everybody knows that—
ROBIN: I am not responsible for the exaggerations of local legends. Now, if you don’t at least pretend to
like those beans, you’re going to break Little John’s heart. (LITTLE JOHN gives her a heart-melting
look. MARIAN begins to eat reluctantly, and then with voracity.) That’s not so bad, is it?
MARIAN: (Mouth full.) It’s perfectly horrid. (ROBIN gives a thumbs up to his men who cheer.)I
WILL SCARLET: Robin, we need to be on our way before the moon comes out.
MARIAN: You’re not leaving me alone here, are you?
ROBIN: I’ll leave Friar Tuck to watch over you. . .and a couple of my men to watch over him. You’ll be
quite safe.
MARIAN: And you promise you’ll take me home tomorrow?
ROBIN: I promise. Now get a good night’s rest. There’s more beans in the pot. (He exits with several of
his men. MARIAN hesitates, then runs over and scoops out more beans and eats ravenously.)
(As the next scene is being set up, The MINSTREL sings her song while one of the MERRY MEN does a
comic bit stealing from the rich.)
20 | R O B I N H O O D
Scene 4: Night at the Blue Boar Inn.
JEMMY and ELLIS, two tavern boys, are cleaning up. COOTIE THE DRUNK is passed out at a table. CRAZY
BETTY is reading tarot cards in a corner.
ELLIS: It’s true, Jemmy. I seen men with axes cutting down the whole forest.
JEMMY: What’s to replace it?
ELLIS: A royal tennis court, I heared tell.
JEMMY: And what might that be?
ELLIS: I hear it’s a place where gentlemen go to throw down rackets and swear at each other and drink
lots of beer.
ELLIS: I tell you, the whole kingdom’s fell apart with good King Richard held in ransom on Austria.
JEMMY: Most folks say he must be dead.
ELLIS: I don’t believe it. Move your feet, Cootie, so I can sweep under ‘em. (COOTIE mutters something
unintelligible.) You’re welcome.
JEMMY: Poor Cootie. Since Lord Stephen took his land away, he ain’t been worth spit. (A wailing is
heard from the forest.)
ELLIS: Listen! Did you hear that noise?
JEMMY: What noise?
CRAZY BETTY: ‘Tis some cold, dead thing out in the night.
ELLIS : Where do you think the thing will go live once they cut down the forest? Do you think it’ll move
into our homes?
JEMMY: I don’t want to talk about it.
CRAZY BETTY: Don’t want to talk about the cold, dead, slimy thing in the woods?
JEMMY: Stop it now, Crazy Betty.
ELLIS: That thing in the forest is real, Jemmy. I seen it myself when I came home late through the woods
last week. First I heared the thing behind me, then I felt like there was a piece of wind creeping
through my shirt, and then—
JEMMY: Stop it!
21 | R O B I N H O O D
ELLIS: They say the thing is Death himself, waiting for us in the woods—
EADOM: (Entering.) Do I pay you lads to work or to jabber?
ELLIS: You seldom pay us at all.
CRAZY BETTY: Bad things comin’ this way. I just turned up the Death card. (More wailing from the
forest. JEMMY grabs ELLIS, terrified.) Getting’ closer. Slatherin’ through the woods to us—next
thing, ‘twill be knocking on the door. (There is a loud knock.)
ELLIS: Don’t answer it.
EADOM: Do you think I’m afraid of a knock on me own door?
CRAZY BETTY: Go to the door, Eadom, and let Death in.
EADOM: Jemmy, you answer it.
ELLIS: Eadom, you coward, shame on you! You get it.
EADOM: If you’re so brave, you answer it! (The knock comes again. A beat, then the knock comes a
third time. COOTIE raises his head.)
COOTIE: Come in. (They door creaks open to reveal an ominous figure, hooded, with long black gloves
on his twisted fingers. A long pause.)
DARK MONK: Where is the one they call Robin Hood?
ELLIS: He’s not here.
DARK MONK: I can see he’s not here. Where can I find him?
EADOM: We don’t know.
DARK MONK: I think you will tell me, and you will tell me now.
EADOM: He may be out in Sherwood Forest by the circle of stones.
JEMMY: Eadom!
EADOM: He may be, I say. And then again, maybe not.
ELLIS: Just what be your business with him, sir?
DARK MONK: Do not be so anxious to pry too deeply into the darker crevices of why and wherefore,
boy. There are things you think you want to know. . .but you truly do not. I thank you for your
kindness, boys, and I hope to see you again soon. I’m especially drawn to young people—they
have such tender flesh! Good night, my friends. We will meet again. (Exits.)
22 | R O B I N H O O D
COOTIE: (After a beat.) G’night.
ELLIS: You shouldn’t have told him where Robin was.
CRAZY BETTY: Can you smell death? There was death in this place.
ELLIS: Someone needs to warn Robin. . (ELLIS puts on his cloak and starts out.)
CRAZY BETTY: You’d best not go out tonight if you know what’s good for you.
ELLIS: That thing is evil, and Robin needs to know-- (He runs into an enormous cloaked figure coming
through the door. The figure picks him up as the others run to hide. ELLIS begins to scream.
JEMMY runs in to rescue his friend.)
JEMMY: You let him go, you filthy devil thing!
LITTLE JOHN: Jemmy Brown, do you mean to hammer me to death with that mug?
JEMMY: Little John!
LITTLE JOHN: What’s the matter with you folk? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.
ELLIS: I think we have. (ROBIN enters.)
ROBIN: What’s with all the shouting?
ELLIS: There was a Dark Monk from the woods, Robin, and he asked for you, and yonder great idiot told
him you were in Sherwood.
EADOM: I told him that to throw him off. . .since I had a feeling you’d be coming here.
ROBIN: It’s all right. You did no harm.
JEMMY: He said he had private business with you.
ELLIS: Do you think it’s the creature in the stories that comes to you when you’re about to—(He stops
short, realizing what he’s about to say.)
ROBIN: More likely it’s just a poor monk in need of money. (Realizing the others are still scared.) My
men are in the back unloading some pickled herring for you. Boys—you’d best go help them.
(ELLIS, EADOM, and JEMMY scurry out. BETTY stares at him with pity.) Don’t look at me like
that. I see no harm a monk can do.
CRAZY BETTY: When a man’s time is come to die, Rob, the dark monk comes calling. And tonight he
came calling for you.
23 | R O B I N H O O D
ROBIN: Well, it’s not my time to die. I have too many things to do. (Calls as he exits. ) Men, if you’ve
unloaded the food, let’s get back. I don’t want to leave that girl alone with Friar Tuck too long.
(Exits with LITTLE JOHN. COOTIE wakes up.)
COOTIE: Was someone here?
CRAZY BETTY: Just a dead man and his friend.
(As the next scene is being set up, The MINSTREL sings her song while one of the MERRY MEN does a
comic bit stealing from the rich.)
24 | R O B I N H O O D
Scene 5: Sherwood Forest
FRIAR TUCK chases QUIGLY around, flirting with her. MARIAN stamps in, furious, wearing only a quilt.
MARIAN: Where on earth have you been! Have you spent the entire night drinking with this person?
LADY QUIGLY: Certainly not! Part of the night I spent drinking with the others! (Hiccups.)
MARIAN: Where is my gown? I left it on the rocks while I was bathing in the brook, and when I returned,
there was this smelly old quilt in its place.
LADY QUIGLY: I don’t know. Maybe the Merry Men like to dress up in fancy gowns. Maybe that’s what
makes them so merry!
MARIAN: You are intoxicated, and I am ashamed for you. (ROBIN enters with his men.) You! Where is
my gown?
ROBIN: (Holds up a ragged dress.) Here it is.
MARIAN: That’s not my gown. That looks like something you’d use to wipe a privy.
ROBIN: That was last week. Now it’s your dress if you want to go to your father today.
MARIAN: I will not let that disgusting thing touch my body!
WILL STUTELY: Rob can’t be dragging you about the countryside in the fine clothes you usually wear.
DAVY: It’d draw too much attention—us dressed like simple outlaws and you like the Queen o’ Clubs.
MARIAN: I won’t wear it.
ROBIN: Then you’ll come naked.
MARIAN: I will certainly not come naked.
WILL SCARLET: How many vote she wears the dress. (The OUTLAWS boo.) How many vote for naked?
(OUTLAWS cheer.) I’m afraid the nakeds have it.
ROBIN: Your opinion is duly noted—now go about your business.
DAVEY: We was just being democratic! (They scatter.)
MARIAN: I want my gown back, and I want it now.
ROBIN: You can’t have it. It’s been cut into squares.
25 | R O B I N H O O D
MARIAN: No! (ROBIN shrugs yes.) I’m going to enjoy it when they draw and quarter you! (ROBIN holds
out the gown. Finally MARIAN grabs it.) You’ll regret this! Mark my words, you WILL regret
this! (She goes behind a tree to put it on.)
ROBIN: I have no doubt.
(As the next scene is being set up, The MINSTREL sings her song while one of the MERRY MEN does a
comic bit stealing from the rich.)
26 | R O B I N H O O D
SCENE 6: THE THRONE ROOM
PRINCE JOHN is studying a great map held by SAL. BRONWYN is looking over his shoulder, eating a
peach noisily. The QUEEN is asleep on the THRONE with PERK on one side and PICK on the other.
Whenever she begins to lean sideways in her sleep, they push her upright again. PRINCE JOHN’S FOUR
KNIGHTS guard the doors.
PRINCE JOHN: Stop gawking over my shoulder. Your peach drippeth upon my royal neck.
BRONWYN: Building another great stupid castle, are you?
PRINCE JOHN: This is the plan for my royal tennis court in Sherwood Forest.
BRONWYN: Ain’t it hard to play tennis with all them trees in the way?
PRINCE JOHN: We’re going to chop down all the trees.
BRONWYN: But what’s a forest without trees?
PRINCE JOHN: A tennis court.
BRONWYN: You don’t need to cut down a whole bloody forest just to build a tennis court.
PRINCE JOHN: No, there’s also be a golfing course, a sword and spear manufactory, a debtors’ prison,
several slaughterhouses—
BRONWYN: Won’t that stink up the tennis?
PRINCE JOHN: It’s an immense forest, Bronwyn. There’s room for everything.
BRONWYN: Except the trees.
PRINCE JOHN: We can’t stop the forward movement of Western civilization for a few trees.
BRONWYN: And why do you need debtors’ prisons? You shouldn’t put folk in jail for bein’ poor.
PRINCE JOHN: The poor like jails. Look how many of them are in jails already. How many rich people
have you seen in jails? Now be quiet and let me work. Besides, I’ve got a wedding to plan.
BRONWYN: Are you really going to marry this Maid Marian if they get her back?
PRINCE JOHN: Of course. Her father is the richest man in the kingdom, and he has no other children.
Once I marry her, I will control her fortune. I’ll have more money to spend than I’ll know what
to do with.
BRONWYN: But what if she don’t want you spending all her money?
27 | R O B I N H O O D
PRINCE JOHN: I don’t think she’ll be around long enough to have a say in it. I suspect that soon after the
wedding, a rather nasty accident will happen to my blushing bride and her rich father. (GROK
springs in and does a reckless—and badly done somersault. He speaks in gibberish—and while in
his trademark moves he throws himself around with great abandon, he is seldom far from
disaster.)
GROK: Da-Daaaaaahhhhhh.
PRINCE JOHN: What the hell is this? (The SHERIFF enters with the CONSTABLE and his MEN.)
SHERIFF: It’s the new jester, sire. Grok the Magnificent.
GROK: (GROK does an elaborate bow and says something in gibberish.)
PRINCE JOHN: Pardon?
GROKE: (GROK spots BRONWYN and responds to her beauty, ending up with honking his horn twice and
laughing lasciviously.)
PRINCE JOHN: What did he say?
GROK: (GROK speaks gibberish.)
SHERIFF: I don’t know, sire. I don’t speak his language.
GROK: (GROK speaks gibberish, indicating his awe at the sight of BRONWYN’s magnificent chest. He
ends on one knee with his arms out, waiting for applause.)
PRINCE JOHN: Is that Welsh?
BRONWYN: I hope not.
GROK: (GROK speaks gibberish.)
BRONWYN: Maybe it’s American.
PRINCE JOHN: (To GROK, loudly.) Do you speak English?
GROK: (GROK speaks gibberish.)
SHERIFF: Not yet.
PRINCE JOHN: Not yet? What I am supposed to do—teach him?
SHERIFF: We thought maybe he’d pick it up as he went along.
28 | R O B I N H O O D
PRINCE JOHN: Here am I, at the head of the greatest kingdom of all Christendom while my brother rots
in Austria and my mother’s mind disintegrates, and I can’t get a jester under 97 who speaks a
language I can understand.
GROK: (GROK speaks gibberish.)
PRINCE JOHN: What about Maid Marian—have you found her?
SHERIFF: Not exactly.
PRINCE JOHN: What do you mean, not exactly. Either you’ve found her or you haven’t.
SHERIFF: We found part of her, sire.
PRINCE JOHN: What!
SHERIFF: We found her shoe.
PRINCE JOHN: Ah, now we’re getting somewhere. Where did you find her shoe? Not on her foot, I
hope.
SHERIFF: In the forest, sire, where the outlaws surprised us.
PRINCE JOHN: And how does that help us?
CONSTABLE: It tells us to look for a lady with one bare foot.
GROK: (GROK speaks gibberish, standing on his head.)
PRINCE JOHN: Where did you get this person? Can we get rid of him? He’s getting on my nerves.
GIL: We tried getting rid of him earlier, sire.
CONSTABLE: But he kept coming back.
SHERIFF: We thought we might as well let you have a look at him on the off-chance you like this sort of
thing.
GROK: (GROK starts singing and dancing an insane little dance with one thumb in his ear.)
PRINCE JOHN: I find it hard to believe that there is any place on earth where anybody however stupid
likes THIS sort of thing.
GROK: (GROK performs in gibberish.)
SAL: He’s having a bloody fit!
SHERIFF: Maybe we could get him a translator, sire.
29 | R O B I N H O O D
PRINCE JOHN: I don’t think I want to know what he’s saying. It can’t be very good.
GROK: (GROK speaks gibberish.)
SHERIFF: Shall we have him killed, sire?
PRINCE JOHN: I’m surprised someone hasn’t done that already. His mother, say.
GROK: (GROK dances in a circle, grinning and chanting gibberish.)
PRINCE JOHN: Listen, Grok, that’s enough of that.
GROK: (GROK speaks gibberish.)
PRINCE JOHN: You can go.
GROK: (GROK speaks gibberish.)
PRINCE JOHN: You’re dismissed.
GROK: (GROK speaks gibberish.)
PRINCE JOHN: Please leave.
(GROK responds in lengthy gibberish.)
PRINCE JOHN: WILL YOU SHUT UP!
(GROK responds in gibberish.)
PRINCE JOHN: SHADDDUPPP!
GROK: SHATTTOPPP!
PRINCE JOHN: SHADDDUPPPPPP!
GROK: SHADDDUPPPPPP! (PRINCE JOHN smashes GROK over the head with a wine bottle, and GROK
collapses.)
PRINCE JOHN: (To the SHERIFF.) Now you listen to me, Sheriff. I want Maid Marian, and I want her
NOW, and I want the reward on Robin Hood’s head doubled. No, tripled. No, quadrupled! And
I want those woods cleared of outlaws so we can start mowing down the trees. And I want
Robin Hood’s liver floating in my soup tureen by tomorrow evening. And if it’s not his liver, it’s
going to be yours in my chowder. Have you got that, Sheriff?
SHERIFF: Yes, sire. (He exits with his men, bumping into SAL and knocking the tray out of her hands.
BRONWYN motions to PICK and PERK to help drag off GROK.)
30 | R O B I N H O O D
BONWYN: We sure go through a lot of these.
(As the next scene is being set up, The MINSTREL sings her song while one of the MERRY MEN does a
comic bit stealing from the rich.)
31 | R O B I N H O O D
Scene 7: A hovel on Lord Stephen’s estate.
ROBIN drags MARIAN into the hovel. The sound of pigs is heard.
MARIAN: Liar. You said you’d bring me home. Instead you’ve brought me to a pig sty.
ROBIN: This is on your father’s estate, and you be civil to the people living here.
MARIAN: Nobody could live in a filthy place like this. (GWENNY runs in and gives ROBIN a hug.)
GWENNY: Rob!
ROBIN: Hello, Gwenny. (She sees MARIAN and backs away.) You don’t have to be afraid of me.
GWENNY: I’m not afeard of you. I’m afeard of the lady.
ROBIN: How do you know she’s a lady?
GWENNY: She smells like a lady.
ROBIN: Does she? (ROBIN sniffs her and she slaps at him.) She won’t bite you, Gwenny. She only bites
me.
GWENNY: I put on me best dress when I heard you was comin’, Rob, but I see she got a nicer one.
ROBIN: This lady wants to know how you like living here on Lord Stephen’s estate.
GWENNY: I don’t know. Never lived no place else.
ROBIN: Do you get enough to eat?
GWENNY: When you come by. We ourselves grow a lot of food, miss, but most goes for the rent to Lord
Stephen and for the tax to Prince John. There’s not much left over for us. (ROBIN looks
significantly at MARIAN.)
MARIAN: Everybody pays taxes.
ROBIN: Does your father pay taxes?
MARIAN: I’ve never actually seen him do it, but—(OLD GRANNY comes in.)
GRANNY: Whoodle diddle me do.
ROBIN: Hello, my lovely. (To MARIAN.) This is Gwenny’s granny. (To GRANNY.) I have a gift for you,
Granny. (Hands her the bag of quilting squares.)
32 | R O B I N H O O D
GWENNY: Oh, Rob! These be lovely—like somethin’ out of a dream. So many pretty colors—the finest
we ever had.
GRANNY: Whoodle diddle me arse!
GWENNY: These’ll keep Granny warm all winter.
GRANNY: Nice quilties, yesss, awhoodly fine ones!
ROBIN: These particular squares are from Lady Marian.
GWENNY: They’re awfully fine, lady. Thank ‘ee with all my heart.
GRANNY: Squarridle me dumpling!
GWENNY: Granny’s our best quilter in the village, though she’s nearly forty.
MARIAN: She’s just forty?
GWENNY: She will be come November.
MARIAN: Gwenny, if you don’t have enough to eat or blankets to keep you warm, why don’t you just ask
Lord Stephen to help?
GWENNY: Lord Stephen? Help us? He don’t care a pig’s pollup what happens to us. When my uncle
Neddie went to ask for a penny to help feed his baby ‘cause his wife had died in childbirth, Lord
Stephen had him flogged for botherin’ him.
MARIAN: Oh, I can’t believe that’s true.
GWENNY: ‘Twas me had to clean his bleeding back, and a mess it was. But I figger the baby’s better off
in heaven after all.
MARIAN: Maybe Lord Stephen’s daughter Marian could help you.
GWENNY: Oh, she don’t have time for us. She don’t even know we exist. Not that I’m criticizing. I wish
I was her. But now, miss, you got to excuse me. I got to muck out the stables and cut some
wood afore supper.
MARIAN: You clean the stables and chop the wood?
GWENNY: Ain’t no young men to do it. ‘Cept for the outlaws, all the young men hereabouts been took
into the army for fight for the king over in the Low Countries. Me own brother Jack, I ain’t heard
from since I was seven. Stay to eat with us, Rob? We got plenty of those beans you brung us
left over. I’ll heat them up soon as I get back. (She exits.)
GRANNY: Whoodle me quiltie, whoodle, whoodle! (Runs off.)
33 | R O B I N H O O D
MARIAN: I’m sure if my father knew his tenants were living like this—
ROBIN: He knows. He just doesn’t care.
MARIAN: My father is a good man—
ROBIN: To you he’s been a good man, I have no doubt. But to these people he’s something quite
different. It depends a good deal on where you’re looking at him from and how full your
stomach is. (FLINT—the legless beggar—comes wheeling in on his board.)
FLINT: WHEEEEEEEE! (He grabs MARIAN and whirls around to a stop.) WHOOOOO! Pardon, miss. Just
got me wheels greased. Hello, Rob! Will Scarlett said you wanted to see me?
ROBIN: Hello, Flint. Would you tell my friend the story of how you lost your legs?
FLINT: I was drafted, miss, into his majesty’s wars and fought for my country for three years. Nobody
never told me what we was fighting about, but I was a peasant, miss, and it weren’t our place to
know things like that. At the end of three years, one leg was shot to hell. The other one wasn’t,
but the barber what surgeoned me had had too much to drink the night before so he got
confused and took ‘em both off so as not to anger his master by making a mistake by leaving the
wrong one on. Robin found me begging in London and brought me home—back when I had
legs, I used to load hay up at Lord Stephen’s barn. You know, miss, you have the look of that
little girl of his. ‘Course I ain’t seen her in years.
MARIAN: You’re Flint—who used to dance with all the milkmaids.
FLINT: Yes, in them days there was many came to see me dance. But me dancin’ has somewhat
degenerated since then.
MARIAN: Why don’t you tell Lord Stephen about your misfortune?
FLINT: I went to speak to him when I first come back—just up and wheeled myself right up to his
castle—but it didn’t do much good.
MARIAN: Perhaps he didn’t recognize you.
FLINT: No, he knew me for he called out me name. He said, “Flint, get out of the road,” and then he run
over me with his horse. Still got the hoof marks on me chest—hurts when it rains.
MARIAN: That’s horrible.
FLINT: O, I dunno. ‘Twas his road, after all. Besides, I never heared tell of a noble who gave a snap of
the fingers about folk like us. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll just go out and tell Gwenny good day.
(Wheels out.)
MARIAN: Look, if you let me go free, I’ll tell my father about all this. I know he’ll do something.
ROBIN: No, he won’t.
34 | R O B I N H O O D
MARIAN: Will you at least let me try? He’ll pay your ransom, if that’s what you’re worried about.
ROBIN: I don’t believe in ransom and hostages. That’s something Prince John would do. We hold
ourselves to higher standards.
MARIAN: What about Lady Quigly?
ROBIN: She’s free to go at any time. . .although I suspect it’s not going to be easy for Friar Tuck to get rid
of her. But you go on. Do what you can. I suspect, though, you’ll be disappointed. Your father’s
castle is just over that rise. (She starts out, then hesitates.) What’s the matter?
MARIAN: I want you to know that you were right about cutting up the gowns. (Turns and leaves. After a
moment, WILL SCARLET enters.)
WILL STUTELY: Let her go, did you?
ROBIN: Of course I let her go. What did you expect me to do?
WILL STUTELY: Oh, you did right, Rob. We got not business with the rick to get back what they steal.
Besides, there’s plenty of other pretty women in the world. You leave that one alone. She’d be
the death of you.
(As the next scene is being set up, The MINSTREL sings her song while one of the MERRY MEN does a
comic bit stealing from the rich.)
35 | R O B I N H O O D
Scene 8: LORD STEPHEN’S Great Hall
LORD STEPHEN is sleeping in his chair. MARIAN sneaks in, still in her rags.
MARIAN: Father, wake-up!
LORD STEPHEN: Who? What? Guards! Guards! (SIR ROLAND and SIR PARSIFAL come rushing in.)
SIR ROLAND: Yes, my lord?
SIR PARSIFAL: What’s wrong, my lord?
LORD STEPHEN: Seize this peasant and throw her out!
SIR ROLAND: Yes, my lord (He seizes MARIAN)
LORD STEPHEN: And give her forty lashes for daring to set foot inside my castle!
SIR PARSIFAL: With pleasure, my lord.
MARIAN: Daddy, it’s me. Marian. Your daughter.
LORD STEPHEN: Marian?
MARIAN: Yes.
LORD STEPHEN: Are you sure?
MARIAN: Of course I’m sure. Don’t you recognize me?
LORD STEPHEN: What have they done to you?
MARIAN: Nothing. I’m quite—
LORD STEPHEN: What’s that you’re wearing? It looks like something the dog hocked up!
MARIAN: (Hugs him.) Oh, Daddy, I’m so glad to see you.
LORD STEPHEN: Gadzooks, it smells like a small horse died in your dress.
MARIAN: Daddy, I’ve discovered a terrible thing! Did you know there are peasants on our estates so
poor they eat rats?
LORD STEPHEN: I’ve heard that rats aren’t so bad. If you fricassee them in olive oil and add a few
truffles and bacon, I understand they taste just like chicken.
36 | R O B I N H O O D
MARIAN: No, Daddy, it’s just that some of our people have no homes, they’ve nothing to eat, they’re
sick, they—
LORD STEPHEN: Who’s been telling you this rubbish?
MARIAN: It’s not rubbish. I’ve seen them for myself.
LORD STEPHEN: Actors. Paid actors. They say anything for the money. You’ve been tricked, dear. No
one is starving in Merry Olde England.
MARIAN: Daddy, I’ve seen them. One of them is Flint—remember Flint who used to tell me stories in
the barn.
LORD STEPHEN: That peasant you used to spend so much time with—I’m glad I got him drafted and
away from you! To think of my daughter wanting to listen to stories told by a peasant!
MARIAN: What?
LORD STEPHEN: Marian, my little rosebud, don’t strain your brain over things that shouldn’t concern a
sweet, pretty thingie like yourself. Now go take off that foul-smelling thing you’re wearing and
have the servants burn it.
MARIAN: But, Daddy, you’ve got to do something about all the poor people who—
LORD STEPHEN: Their poverty, my dear, is just a temporary economic phenomenon—they’ll be all right
in the long run. The wealth from us privileged classes will eventually drool down on the poor.
MARIAN: Drool down?
LORD STEPHEN: Prince John says that in a healthy economy the wealth of the superior people will
eventually drool down through the nation’s cracks and dribble onto the lower orders.
MARIAN: Just how long is this drooling supposed to take?
LORD STEPHEN: Not long. A few millennia at the most.
MARIAN: But they’re hungry now!
LORD STEPHEN: If God wanted poor people to have what we have, He would have given it to them.
They’ve managed to survive this long—they’ll survive a while longer.
MARIAN: But, Daddy—
LORD STEPHEN: You’ve been brain-scrubbed, my dear. But it will pass, believe me. Among people with
our immense wealth, it’s easy to forget.
MARIAN: I don’t want to forget.
37 | R O B I N H O O D
LORD STEPHEN: Have a nice bath, and then we can share some of the lime syllabub I saved from dinner.
I was going to give it to the dog, but now that you’re here—
MARIAN: You’re not going to do anything, are you? You’re supposed to be caring for those people who
live in squalor right under your nose, and all you can think about is sharing lime syllabub with
the dog! You better do something to help them out, or one day they’ll march in here and cut all
our throats. I can’t imagine why they didn’t do that years ago!
LORD STEPHEN: Kitten, you’re quite hysterical.
MARIAN: Since you won’t do anything, I’m going to go see Prince John. He has the power to change
things—(She starts off.)
LORD STEPHEN: Just don’t go dressed like that—or he’ll never marry you. Before you go, you’d best get
yourself fumigated--
(As the next scene is being set up, The MINSTREL sings her song while one of the MERRY MEN does a
comic bit stealing from the rich.)
38 | R O B I N H O O D
Scene 9: PRINCE JOHN’S THRONE ROOM.
PRINCE JOHN is pacing with BREKKA following. BRONWYN, SAL, and GROK watch, fascinated. The
QUEEN is asleep with PICK and PERK by her side, and PRINCE JOHN’S KNIGHTS guard the doors.
PRINCE JOHN: I hate waiting. A prince should never have to wait. It’s necessary for a prince to receive
immediate gratification –that’s God’s law. WHY haven’t they found her yet? (He turns and
bumps into BREKKA). And who is this strange person?
SIR GAWAIN: It’s the translator for Grok.
GROK: (GROK says something in gibberish. PRINCE JOHN waits expectantly, but BREKKA doesn’t say
anything.)
PRINCE JOHN: Why doesn’t he translate?
SIR GARETH: They told him not to speak unless he was spoken to.
PRINCE JOHN: (To BREKKA) So you’re the translator?
BREKKA: (BREKKA says something in gibberish.)
PRINCE JOHN: Trans-la-tor.
BREKKA: (BREKKA says something in gibberish.)
PRINCE JOHN: Trans-la-tor. (BREKKA looks confused.) You do speak English, don’t you?
BREKKA: Enk-leash. Oh, ENGLEZ, jes, jes, yecky much.
GROK: (GROK says something in gibberish, ending with a raspberry. BREKKA laughs immoderately.)
BREKKA: Ya, ya!
PRINCE JOHN: (Chortling in anticipation.) Was that a jest? What did he say?
BREKKA: (BREKKA repeats GROK’s jest, ending with the raspberry.)
PRINCE JOHN: Yes, I heard that, but what does it mean?
BREKKA: He say goats—or is it coats?—uh, eat—or mebbe it is feet—yes, yes, Goats eat—or Goats
feet—
GROK: (GROK says something in gibberish and ends up kissing PRINCE JOHN’s hands over and over.)
PRINCE JOHN: What did he say?
39 | R O B I N H O O D
BREKKA: He say he is proud, sir, that in the brief time he has worked here for you, that you have been—
to him—sir, a constant source of excrement.
PRINCE JOHN: What? (MARIAN tries to come in. The KIGHTS block her way.)
SIR TRISTAN: You can’t go in like that.
SIR GALAHAD: You’ve got to be announced.
SIR KAY: You’ve got to be summoned.
SIR BEDIVERE: You’ve got to be bathed.
MARIAN: Let me in, you morons!
PRINCE JOHN: Who’s that? Who are you?
MARIAN: Maid Marian, of course.
PRINCE JOHN: Maid Marian? You’re Maid Marian? Are you sure?
MARIAN: I didn’t have time to change.
SIR GAWAIN: I believe it is she, sire.
PRINCE JOHN: Well, she’s not much good to me like this, is she? She smells like the place elephants go
to break wind.
MARIAN: Your majesty, there are many people in your kingdom starving to death.
PRINCE JOHN: And?
MARIAN: And they live in absolute poverty and filth.
PRINCE JOHN: And? (A beat.) And?
MARIAN: And. . .uh. . .we’ve got to do something about it.
PRINCE JOHN: We?
MARIAN: I mean, you.
PRINCE JOHN: You’ve been here less than a minute, and already you’re telling me how to run my
kingdom. Most women take a day or two at least.
MARIAN: If you could just see them, sire.
PRINCE JOHN: I don’t want to see them. They’re ugly and they stink. Besides, it’s all part of God’s plan.
40 | R O B I N H O O D
MARIAN: I don’t believe it’s God’s plan for people to live like animals.
PRINCE JOHN: But most of them ARE animals. There’s nothing I can do about it. Am I my brother’s
keeper?
MARIAN: But you’re in charge until your brother, King Richard—(SAL signals wildly to shut her up.
BRONWYN claps her hand over MARIAN’s mouth.)
BRONWYN: She didn’t say King Richard—
SAL: She said. . .uh. . .uh. . .she said, “You’re in charge throughout all blizzards.” (Looks hard at
MARIAN.) Right, milady?
BRONWYN: (Through the side of her mouth.) We don’t talk about he-who-must-not-be-named around
here.
SAL: (Cuing.) And speaking of the poor-PRINCE JOHN: (To SAL.) Fetch some tea, wench! (To MARIAN.) Look, I’m not unreasonable. Why don’t
you tell me what specific actions you’d like me to take?
MARIAN: Uh, well, reduce the taxes on the poor. Raise the taxes on the rich, and make the ultra-rich—
who pay nothing—pay their share. Provide food and clothing for those unable to provide it for
themselves—the taxes on the rich will finance this and it won’t cost you a thing. Hire those
who want to work and can’t find jobs to help pass out the extra food and clothing.
PRINCE JOHN: All right. Fine.
MARIAN: Fine? You mean you’ll do it?
PRINCE JOHN: You write it up and we can issue it as a proclamation.
MARIAN: That’s wonderful! I knew that deep down you are a compassionate man. It’ll work—you’ll
see—and your people will love you for it, and—
PRINCE JOHN: Wait a minute. I’m not finished. There are two conditions.
MARIAN: What conditions?
PRINCE JOHN: First, you’ve got to agree to marry me immediately. (A beat.)
MARIAN: And the second condition?
PRINCE JOHN: I’ll initiate these reforms IF—and only IF--the outlaw Robin Hood will turn himself in to
the Sheriff by sundown tomorrow.
MARIAN: Don’t you want to do good for your people?
41 | R O B I N H O O D
PRINCE JOHN: Of course. In fact, I want to do so much good that there’ll be no more need for Robin
Hood to do it for me. If he really loves the people as much as he claims to do, then he’ll happily
give himself up for them, won’t he?
MARIAN: What will happen to him if he does give himself up?
PRINCE JOHN: What difference does it make? He’s a thief, after all. We can’t just let him go. Or do you
care more about keeping this malefactor safe than you do about your precious poor? (SAL
enters with an enormous tray of tea things, avoiding the pacing PRINCE JOHN who calls out.)
Fetch the Sheriff.
SIR GAWAIN: (To the next KNIGHT in line.) Fetch the Sheriff.
SIR GARETH: Fetch the Sheriff.
SIR KAY: Fetch the Sheriff.
SIR TRISTAN: Fetch the Sheriff.
SIR GALAHAD: Fetch the Sheriff.
SIR BEDIVERE: SHERRRRR-IFFFFFF! (The Sheriff of Nottingham runs in.)
SHERIFF: Yes, sire?
PRINCE JOHN: Maid Marian is going to dictate a proclamation to you. Draw it up posthaste. Put in it
anything she likes.
SHERIFF: Do you think that’s wise, sire? I mean-- (The CONSTABLE bursts in, waving a parchment and
knocking over SAL and her tea things.)
CONSTABLE: Hark! Avast! An urgent missile from a broad!
PRINCE JOHN: A missile? From a broad? You mean a woman has sent me a bomb?
CONSTABLE: No, abroad! From Australia!
PRINCE JOHN: Australia? Australia won’t be discovered by Europeans for at least another five hundred
years—give or take a century or two. How can Australia be sending me a missile?
GROK: (GROK grabs the parchment, examines it, and speaks gibberish. THE PRINCE looks expectantly at
BREKKA. )
BREKKA: ( BREKKA grabs the parchment. He says something to GROK in gibberish)
GROK: (GROK answers back at length)
42 | R O B I N H O O D
BREKKA and GROK: (They pull the parchment back and forth, arguing in gibberish. Finally PRINCE JOHN
has had enough and grabs the parchment.)
We regret to inform you of the demise of your brother,
King Richard the Lionhearted, in a rat-infested dungeon in Austria on Thursday
last. (A beat.) He’s finally DEAD! RICHARD IS DEAD! MY LOATHSOME, PSYCHOTIC BROTHER IS
PRINCE JOHN: Give me that! (Reads.)
FINALLY PUSHING UP WORMS! I’M KING! I’M KING! O frabjous day! Calloo! Callay! Oh, isn’t
this a happy day? (Looks around. Everyone else looks miserable.) What’s the matter? The King
is dead! Why don’t you look happy? Come on, I want to see some HAPPY around here! I want
some jubilation. Jump up and down with joy! Come on, jump, jump! (The OTHERS do some
half-hearted jumps. To the audience.) You in the audience, too. Come on, up on your feet. Now
jump with joy! Jump! (Ad-libs coaching them.) They’re not jumping high enough. Soldiers, go
out there and make sure they’re all jumping. And if they’re not—run them through with your
swords! (SHERIFF, CONSTABLE, and GUARDS go out and get members of the audience
jumping—even improvising a jumping contest.) That’s enough jumping. Now I want some
jubilation. Come on—jubilate! JUBILATE!!!! (He knocks into SAL who drops the tea things
again)
BRONWYN: (dry) Hip hip—(a pause.)
OTHERS: (Weakly.) Hooray.
PRINCE JOHN: That’s better. Oh, what JOY. I’m going to go get fitted for the crown. (He dances out,
singing something like “I Feel Pretty.” ALL the OTHERS are grim. )
GROK: (GROK points after him and says something in gibberish to BREKKA.)
BREKKA: (answers in gibberish.)
GROK: (In an impeccable upper-class British accent) Then it seems to me, old chap, that, on the whole,
it’s time for us to pack our tents and debouch, as it were.
BREKKA: (In an impeccable upper-class British accent) Indubitably! (They exit. BRONWYN looks at
MARIAN.)
BRONWYN: If you listen carefully, you can hear the kingdom decomposing. (She moves to help SAL clean
up the mess. MARIAN just stands there.)
(As the next scene is being set up, The MINSTREL sings her song while one of the MERRY MEN does a
comic bit stealing from the rich.)
43 | R O B I N H O O D
Scene 10: NOTTINGHAM SQUARE
A CROWD gathers in the Square. GIL, DICCON, and CRUIKSHANKS appear with long trumpeter horns.
The CONSTABLE stands between PICK AND PERK.
CONSTABLE: (Shouts.) Attention! Attention! Hark! (TRUMPETEERS blow enormous trumpet blasts. The
CONSTABLE jumps and nearly dies, but recovers.) Hear ye, hear ye, I have a per-clay-mation—
(The trumpets blast again. The Proclamation—long and heavily weighted—unrolls and falls with
a thud on his feet.) Owwwwww! Son of a kestrel! NOW HARK TO THE PERCLAYMATION BY
GOOD PRINCE JOHN. (The trumpets blare again, one in each ear.) HEAR YE, HEAR YE, THIS
ROYAL PERCLAYMATION. (He covers his ears, but this time the trumpets don’t sound.)
PICK: Well, read it!
CONSTABLE: What?
PERK: Read the proclamation.
CONSTABLE: I can’t read.
PICK: Then say something!
GIL: Don’t leave us standin’ here with these bloody trumpets and nothing to proclaim!
CONSTABLE: A PROCLAYMATION CONCERNING ROBIN HOOD. PRINCE JOHN PROCLAIMS THAT IF THE
AFORESKINNED ROBIN HOOD—
PERK: Aforesaid!
CONSTABLE: If the AFORESAID Robin Hood doth give himself up to the Sheriff of Nottingham by the set
of sun tomorrow in the courtyard of Nottingham Castle, then Prince John will desist in the plans
to cut down Sherwood Forest and will furthermore institute plans to educate and feed the
poor, provide doctors and shelter for all who have need, have the taxes on the poor, double it
on the rich, end conscription of persons into the Army, and provide assorted other semihumanitarian acts which I forget—all this contingent on the surrendering of said Robin Hood on
Market Day. (Collapses from the effort.)
PCIK: (Prompting.) King Richard.
CONSTABLE: What?
PERK: King Richard.
44 | R O B I N H O O D
CONSTABLE: Right. Prince John doth further proclaim that he has news of good King Richard the
Lionhearted that he will share with the world at sundown tomorrow in the Courtyard of
Nottingham Castle. . .uh, hear ye, hear ye. . .sis boom bah. . .world without end, amen, amen!
(The trumpets blare. The CONSTABLE falls over.)
45 | R O B I N H O O D
Scene 11: The forest.
ROBIN sits alone. He hears a rustling in the brush and grabs the intruder—MARIAN. She screams.
ROBIN: Gadzooks! I might have broken your neck! It’s dangerous to come to the forest alone. What are
you doing here? How did you find me?
MARIAN: Lady Quigly brought me here.
ROBIN: What do you want?
MARIAN: To make sure you know about the proclamation.
ROBIN: The whole kingdom knows it.
MARIAN: Are you going to turn yourself in?
ROBIN: Would that please you?
MARIAN: Does my opinion matter?
ROBIN: I don’t know. You seem to have come a long distance to give it. Was this your idea—this
proclamation business?
MARIAN: I made a bargain with Prince John.
ROBIN: How good of you to bargain with my life.
MARIAN: I didn’t bargain with your life. I bargained for reforms to help the poor.
ROBIN: Well, we know what I’m supposed to give up for these reforms. What do YOU give up?
MARIAN: My freedom. I have to marry him. (Softly.) Even though I no longer wish to.
ROBIN: If you don’t wish to marry him, then why do you—
MARIAN: For those people you showed me, you idiot! (Softly.) You made me a different person, you
know. (They move in closely, but just as he’s about to kiss her--)
ROBIN: Will Stutely, what are you doing behind that tree?
WILL STUTELY: I was just. . .uh. . .I was. . .
ROBIN: I want you to take Marian back to Nottingham Castle, and then clear out of there, fast.
MARIAN: Robin, don’t surrender to Prince John. Run as far as you can in the opposite direction.
46 | R O B I N H O O D
ROBIN: Will--get this woman to Nottingham Castle. . .or to her father’s house. . .or anywhere she wants
to go, but get her out of here.
MARIAN: Robin—don’t let Prince John—(Will Stutely gives her a little push.)
WILL STUTELY: Go along, miss. And Rob, she’s right. You stay away from Prince John. (MARIAN comes
running back and WILL turns her in the opposite direction.) This way, miss.
(WILL STUTELY leaves with MARIAN. The piping sounds begin again. ROBIN looks up. The DARK MONK is
watching him.)
DARK MONK: Robin Hood.
ROBIN: I haven’t time. I’m sorry. I need to head off to Nottingham. If you’re in need, my men will help
you.
DARK MONK: It’s you I need. I hear you make great trouble for Prince John.
ROBIN: I mean no harm to him. I only want to help them he takes advantage of.
DARK MONK: And how can you be sure you don’t do more harm than good, defying England’s rightful
king?
ROBIN: Prince John is not the king. Richard the Lionhearted is our king.
DARK MONK: But there is another ruler, more powerful than he, who they say has conquered even great
King Richard.
ROBIN: And just who might that ruler be?
DARK MONK: Death. They say Death has conquered King Richard.
ROBIN: I don’t wish to be rude to you, but I have more important business this day at—
DARK MONK: (Putting his staff in ROBIN’s way and stopping him almost violently.) You have no business
more important than your business with me.
ROBIN: Let me pass.
DARK MONK: When my business is done.
ROBIN: Are you some agent of the Sheriff’s sent to prevent me from appearing so the people will think
I’ve betrayed them?
DARK MONK: No, the Sheriff works for me. Many work for me who do not even know it.
ROBIN: You must let me pass. I will fight you if I must.
47 | R O B I N H O O D
DARK MONK: You’ll lose. All who fight me lose. I win all battles. (They begin to fight with their sticks.)
ROBIN: I have no wish to harm you, but I must be at the Square by sundown. I will let no man stop me.
DARK MONK: But I am more than a man. I rule the world, and I have come to claim you.
ROBIN: Don’t anger me.
DARK MONK: But anger is a sin. Surely the saintly Robin Hood will not commit a sin. . .except perhaps
robbery. Ahh, Robin Hood is angry, I see. He is also rather slow and stupid. (They continue to
fight.)
ROBIN: Listen to me. I’m on my way to turn myself in. If you wish to do me harm, then simply let me
pass. Prince John will do more harm to me than you can.
DARK MONK: I will let you pass on one condition.
ROBIN: And what is that?
DARK MONK: Let me accompany you. Make an alliance with me, Robin. You cannot win against the
dead.
ROBIN: You’re quite mad, but you’re very good with your stick, and I don’t care to kill you. You may
come along with me if you like.
DARK MONK: How kind of you. Shall we go? We must make haste if we wish to make Nottingham
Castle by sundown.
(As the next scene is being set up, The MINSTREL sings her song while one of the MERRY MEN does a
comic bit stealing from the rich.)
48 | R O B I N H O O D
Scene 12: The Courtyard of Nottingham Castle.
The CROWD—including most of the cast—fills the square
SHERIFF: Sound the trumpets again. (GIL, DICCON, and CRUIKSHANKS sound the trumpets.)
RAFF: Do you think Robin’s coming, Riff?
RIFF: I hope he doesn’t, Raff.
RAFF: Maybe that Dead Monk got him in the woods.
RIFF: Don’t say that.
SIR GAWAIN: His royal highness, Prince John—
SIR GARETH: --and his new wife, the Princess Marian. (The trumpets sound again. PRINCE JOHN enters
with MARIAN in her bridal gown. Women toss flowers. THE QUEEN is carried in a sedan chair.)
RAFF: Cor, she’s a pretty one, ain’t she?
RIFF: Shame she chose to marry Prince John.
PRINCE JOHN: Well, where is he? Where is this hero, Robin Hood? Do you see, my poor foolish people,
how he mocks you? He dares not show his face. So much for your savior. So much for your
Robin Hood. Where is your saintly coward? (ROBIN and the MONK appear.)
ROBIN: He’s here!
PRINCE JOHN: And have you come unarmed as we did stipulate?
ROBIN: Unarmed—and unaccompanied—except for this monk.
PRINCE JOHN: Seize him—
MARIAN: No!
(The GUARDS seize ROBIN and gag him.)
PRINCE JOHN: Release the Kraken-SHERIFF: Release the Dragon!
CONSTABLE: Release the Dragon!
(The DRAGON appears with terrible roaring, terrifying the CROWD.)
49 | R O B I N H O O D
PRINCE JOHN: Not, dragon, you idiots. I didn’t say Dragon.
DRAGON: Sorry! (He exits.)
PRINCE JOHN: I said--Release the Kraken—
SHERIFF: Release the Kracken!
CONSTABLE: Release the Kracken—
(JAWS music starts to play. Crowd panics, running about screaming. One gigantic tenacle
appears over the top of a flat.)
PRINCE JOHN: Stop, stop, stop! Will no one let me finish my phrase? I’m trying to say, “Release the
crackin’ good executioner I imported from France just to kill Robin Hood.” “Crackin’ good
executioner”—comprende?
SHERIFF: Right. (Calls.) Wheel in the French executioner!
(There is the sound of squeaky wheels, and the EXECUTIONER’S BOYS wheel in a cage on a cart
with the FRENCH EXECUTIONER in it. They undo the padlock and release the EXECUTIONER.)
PRINCE JOHN: Now, Executioner, execute this hoodlum—get it everyone? Hoodlum! Robin Hood. . .a
pun. I made a pun. That’s your cue to laugh! Guards—they’re not laughing! Make them laugh!
(The Guards and SOLDIERS use their weapons to prod members of the CROWD to laugh. Some
even go out and force audience members to laugh.)
(To the CROWD.) You’re pathetic. (To the EXECUTIONER.) Kill Robin Hood and be quick about it.
MARIAN: No!
(The Executioner raises his axe—but he is stopped by an arrow that whizzes into the blade and
lodges there. THE MERRY MEN leap into view.)
WILL STUTELY: Rescue Robin!
(The MERRY MEN rush forward to save ROBIN, battling against the KNIGHTS, SOLDIERS, etc. Even with
the odds stacked against them, ROBIN and the MERRY MEN take the other fighters prisoners.)
ROBIN: You cannot win, Prince John, because we have right on our— (PRINCE JOHN grabs MARIAN and
holds a knife to her throat.)
PRINCE JOHN: Drop your weapons or she dies! (One by one, ROBIN and HIS MEN drop their weapons.)
Good. (His KNIGHTS take ROBIN and HIS MEN prisoners.) Now we’re going to get some things
settled around here. First, we’re going to DOUBLE taxes for the poor—and eliminate them
entirely for the nobility. Next, all beggars and other people without jobs will be executed. Third,
50 | R O B I N H O O D
any person speaking ill of me will be hanged by the ears until dead. And finally, Sherwood
Forest will be cut down for my Royal Tennis Court and Spa.
MARIAN: But you promised—
PRINCE JOHN: Oh, do shut up. Did you really think I was going to let you change the way my country is
run! Now that you’re my wife and I have control of your entire fortune, there’s no reason for me
to listen to you anymore. (Strolls to ROBIN.) As for this hooligan, he shall be tortured, hung,
shot full of arrows, torn apart by horses, trampled by a rhino in heat, and then killed until he is
dead.
WILL STUTELY: By what authority do you do this?
PRINCE JOHN: Executive privilege. (Takes out the missive.) I have just received word that my brother,
King Richard the Lionhearted, has died in Austria. (The crowd is shocked and horrified.) But life
must go on. I am thus—ergo and forsooth—the new King of England. (A beat.) You may cheer
now if you wish. (Silence.) Very well. . .drag Robin Hood to the dungeon and commence his
torture.
DARK MONK: One moment.
PRINCE JOHN: One moment? Who dares say one moment? Who dares interrupt the monarch and
supreme ruler?
DARK MONK: The true monarch.
PRINCE JOHN: I am the true monarch.
DARK MONK: My kingdom is greater than yours.
PRINCE JOHN: Treason! Seize this monk. Seize him, I say. (GUARDS grab the Monk.) Now, let’s see who
we’re dealing with. Pull off his hood. (The GUARDS pull down his hood, revealing a skeleton
face. The people gasp.)
DARK MONK: Do you dare lay hands on Death himself! (Bigger gasps, and the Guards run away.)
PRINCE JOHN: Good heavens, what are you people afraid of. This is not Death. This is a man in a
skeleton mask. Did none of you ever trick or treat? Have you not heard of Mardi Gras? Have
none of you seen Phantom of the Opera? Can’t you see this creature is not dead?
DARK MONK: Then you contradict yourself for you yourself told these people I was dead.
PRINCE JOHN: No, I said my brother, King Richard, was dead.
DARK MONK: Then you told a lie, Johnny. Shame on you. (He whips off his mask.)
CROWD: King Richard. It’s King Richard. We’re Saved. Etc.
51 | R O B I N H O O D
PRINCE JOHN: Oh, dear. I’m late for my zither lesson.
DARK MONK: Seize him. (The KNIGHTS take PRINCE JOHN prisoner.)
PRINCE JOHN: Get your filthy hands off me! I’m wealthy! Stop that!
DARK MONK: Attend me, my people. Unbeknownst to you, I have actually been living in disguise among
you for some time. I wished to see the condition of my country. I have seen how poorly my
brother rules, and I am appalled by it. Do you know why you live in such degradation? It’s
because the laziness and self-indulgence of my brother has drooled down upon you. I’m going
to change all this. My brother proposed to cut down Sherwood Forest to build a tennis court. A
tennis court! I will take no such frivolous action. I will cut down the forest, but I will sell the
wood to finance another glorious Crusade to the Holy Land to enhance my personal reputation
as the greatest warrior of all time.
ROBIN: No!
MARIAN: But what about food?
ROBIN: Your people are going hungry!
DARK MONK: I will not insult my subjects by offering them charity. We English are a proud people—we
don’t accept handouts.
GRANNY: I do! (KING RICHARD glares at her until she backs down.)
MARIAN: Your majesty, you mustn’t do this. Your people look on you as their savior—
DARK MONK: Oh, do shut up! You remind me of my mother, the old queen—and that’s not a
compliment, my girl. Alas, in my absence I fear my dear mother must have kicked the royal
bucket—since the old gorgon must have been at least two hundred years old. God bless her and
good riddance—that hag was the only thing I ever feared in my entire life.
PRINCE JOHN: Actually, Dickie, I’m afraid she right over there. (QUEEN ELEANOR rises up in wrath.)
QUEEN ELEANOR: Old gorgon, am I? Kicked the royal bucket, did I? Two hundred, am I?
DARK MONK: Mommy—(She grabs his ear.)
QUEEN ELEANOR: Now listen, you big beanhead! Neither one of you boys was worth the doodoo in
your royal diapers. Johnny will not be executed! Sherwood Forest will not be cut down! And
you, Dickie, are going to stay home for a change with your mother and govern England like a
good and wise king. Do you understand?
DARK MONK: Yes, Mother.
MARIAN: But what about Robin Hood and his men?
52 | R O B I N H O O D
QUEEN ELEANOR: Well, we most certainly can’t have outlaws running around our forests—it scares the
tourists away. But if we are going to start implementing social reforms—feeding the poor,
finding jobs for those who want to work, and so forth—we’ll need to put in place some
bureaucracy to oversee that process. Who has ever heard of welfare without red tape! (To
ROBIN.) So, young man, can you and your men change your ways? Can you stop using weapons
to take from the rich to give to the poor and do it through government instead? (ROBIN and his
MEN look confused. The QUEEN grows impatient.) Will you run a legal welfare system instead
of an illegal one? Yes or no?
ROBIN: Yes! But only if Marian will agree to marry me!
PRINCE JOHN: Aha! She can’t marry you because she’s married to me, you nincompoop! (CROWD
gasps.) This good father married us less than an hour ago. (He pulls the hooded priest forward.
The priest pulls his hood off—to reveal FRIAR TUCK. The crowd gasps again)
FRIAR TUCK: About that. . .
PRINCE JOHN: DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT MARRY US LESS THAN AN HOUR AGO?
FRIAR TUCK: Do you want the good news first or the bad news?
PRINCE JOHN: The good news, of course.
FRIAR TUCK: Ahh, the good news. Well, the good news is that I did indeed conduct a marriage ceremony
between you and this lady not an hour since. (CROWD sighs.)
PRINCE JOHN: Told you so!
ROBIN: Then what’s the bad news?
FRIAR TUCK: The bad news is that I’m just a friar. According to our Holy Mother Church, I don’t have the
authority to marry anyone. Your marriage is invalid. (CROWD cheers.)
ROBIN: Then, Marian, will you marry me so we can run the Sherwood Human Services Department
together? (A long pause.)
MARIAN: Robin, I will be delighted to accept your proposal. . .to run the Sherwood Human Services
Department together. As to your other proposal. . .let’s not rush into it. Let’s take some time to
get to know each other better. . .and then see what happens. (A long pause. Everyone looks to
ROBIN.)
ROBIN: Sounds good to me!
FRIAR TUCK: I think this calls for a drink!
ROBIN: And a song!
The CROWD joins in a lively song and dance as the show ends.