Chapter 7
Love, attraction, relationships,
and communication
What Is Love?
• Difficult to define
– special attitude with behavioral and emotional
components
– different things to different people
– difficult to measure
What Is Love? (cont.)
• Zick Rubin's "love scale”(13 item
questionnaire)
– Has 3 components
• Attachment: The need to be cared for and be with the
other person.
• Caring: Valuing the other persons happiness and
needs as much as your own
• Intimacy: Sharing private thoughts, feelings, and
desires with the other person.
Rubin’s Love Scale
Subjects are asked to answer the following questions concerning their
attitudes towards the loved one.
1. If [loved one] were feeling badly, my first duty would be to cheer
him/her up.
2. I feel that I can confide in [loved one] about virtually everything.
3. I find it easy to ignore [loved one]’s faults.
4. I would do almost anything for [loved one].
5. I feel very possessive toward [loved one].
6. If I could never be with [loved one], I would feel miserable.
7. If I were lonely, my first thought would be to seek [loved one] out.
8. One of my primary concerns is [loved one]’s welfare.
9. I would forgive [loved one] for practically anything.
10. I feel responsible for [loved one]’s well being.
11. When I am with [loved one], I spend a good deal of time just looking at
him/her.
12. I would greatly enjoy being confided in by [loved one].
13. It would be hard for me to get along without [loved one].
Types of Love
• Passionate love
(a.k.a. romantic love or infatuation)
– extreme absorption with and desire for one another.
– intense psychological feelings
• Little logic and reasoned consideration
– generalized physiological arousal, strong sexual desire
• Increased heartbeat, sweating, blushing, stomach butterflies,
etc.
– avoid conflict, overlook faults
– feelings of completeness
– short-lived; usually occurs early in a relationship.
Types of Love
• Companionate love
– less intense
– friendly affection & deep attachment
– extreme familiarity
• Reflected in sexual relationship; partners feel comfortable
discussing what pleases one another and share familiarity
and sexual trust.
– tolerance for short-comings
– desire to overcome difficulties and work through
conflicts
– more enduring than passionate love
Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love
• Love has three faces:
– Passion: motivational component
• Fuels romantic feelings, sexual desire, attraction.
– Intimacy: emotional component
• Feeling of being bonded with other person; warmth,
sharing private thoughts, emotional closeness.
– Commitment: thinking/cognitive component
• Conscious decision to love another and work through
difficulties.
• Various combinations of the three components of
love make up the different kinds of love.
– See triangle
Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love
• All 3 components are
important dimensions of
a loving relationship
• The 3 components exist
in different patterns and
to varying degrees
– Different combinations
produce different
types of love.
– Can also change over
time.
Sternberg’s theories, (cont.)
• Passion component of love peaks early in a relationship,
and then declines.
• Intimacy and commitment components build gradually
over time.
• Conceptual basis for transition from passionate to
companionate love.
• Growth in intimacy
& commitment
occurs as passion
grows weaker
– Can sustain a
relationship as
difficulties arise
once passion fades
Lee’s Styles of Loving
• Romantic (eros): a passionate physical love based on
physical appearance and beauty
• Game-playing (ludus): love is played as a game; love is
playful; often involves little or no commitment and thrives on
“conquests”
• Possessive (mania): highly emotional love; unstable; the
stereotype of romantic love; its characteristics include
jealousy and conflict.
• Companionate (storge): an affectionate love that slowly
develops, based on similarity and friendship.
• Altruistic (agape): selfless altruistic love; spiritual
• Pragmatic (pragma): inclination to select a partner based
on practical and rational criteria where both will benefit from
the partnership
Discussion question
PART 1: How would you define love?
Consider how love is different from
“like.” Also, consider how love is
different from lust.
PART 2: Is sex better when the sexual
partners are in love? Why or why not?
The brain chemistry of falling in love
• Neurotransmitters
 norepinephrine
 dopamine
 phenylethylamine (PEA)
 oxytocin
 Endorphins
5 brain chemicals
triggered when
falling in love
– Morphine-like, soothing substances help produce sense of euphoria,
security, and peace
– Can cause us to feel good when with someone we love.
• Loss and neurotransmitter withdrawal
– These brain chemicals are similar to drugs:
• Brain can develop chemical tolerance, causing the high felt at the
beginning of a relationship to diminish.
• Withdrawal from neurotransmitters can cause feelings of anxiety,
despair, and pain, like withdrawal from a drug.
Why do we fall in love with one
person and not another?
1)
2)
3)
4)
Proximity
Similarity
Reciprocity
Physical attractiveness
What common notion about attraction
is missing from this list?
Why do we fall in love with one
person and not another?
• Proximity (geographic nearness)
– mere exposure effect (familiarity increases liking)
• with repeated exposure to novel stimuli (unfamiliar music,
art, faces, etc.) our liking for the stimuli increases
– familiarity breeds predictability  greater comfort
– greater proximity often reflects shared interests
Why do we fall in love with one
person and not another?
• Similarity
– Beliefs, values, attitudes, interests, intellect
– level of physical attractiveness (fear of rejection?)
– age, educational status and religion
– race and ethnicity
– Why?
•
•
•
•
share similar interests & activities
communicate better
confirm own views & experiences
supportive of values & beliefs
Homophily = similarity in personal characteristics
Why do we fall in love with one
person and not another?
• Reciprocity
– The principle that when we are recipients of expressions
of liking or loving, we tend to respond similarly.
– when someone shows that they like us, we tend to like
them back.
– The cycle of self-esteem
• If we feel positively about ourselves, we are more likely to feel
that others also think positively of us--we tend to act more warmly
to people we think feel positively toward us, which then often
induces them to like us more.
– increases likelihood of relationship enduring
– If it’s all “one-way giving” of compliments, expressions of
affection/love, relationship isn’t likely to last.
Why do we fall in love with one
person and not another?
• Physical attractiveness
– "what's beautiful is good" belief:
• people perceive attractive people as more likeable, interesting,
sensitive, happy, sexy, competent, and socially skilled.
• Having been treated better by others most of their lives, attractive
people may in fact be more comfortable w/themselves.
– status by association
– most important in early stages
• As we come to know someone better, their “inner” beauty (or
ugliness) often becomes apparent.
– may be an indicator of physical health
• All things being equal, people are attracted to healthy people.
– heterosexual males place greater value
• Appears to be true across many cultures.
Why do we fall in love with one
person and not another?
• Sociobiology- behavior explained by evolutionary
needs (Buss)
– men attracted to young attractive females to maximize
reproductive success
– women attracted to older, established men to maximize
reproductive success (security for offspring)
• Youth and physical attractiveness are, in theory, less important
to females, because male fertility is less related to age than it
is for females.
Sex differences in mate selection
Women more willing than men
to marry someone:
• better educated
• older
• would earn more
• was not good-looking
Women less willing than men
to marry someone:
• w/less education
• younger
• not likely to hold steady job
• would earn less
NOTE: looking at graph, can
see that these differences
are not all that large
Love and styles of attachment
• Attachment: intense emotional tie between
two individuals, such as infant and parent, or
adult lovers.
– It is possible to experience attachment w/o love,
but love w/o attachment is unlikely
– There has been much psychological research on
how we form attachments and the effects of
different styles of attachment.
Mary Ainsworth’s research using
infants and the “strange situation”
•
1-year-old infants enter room with parent, then a stranger
enters and begins to play with the infant; then the parent
leaves.
3 types of attachment revealed from this research:
Secure attachment
•
•
–
–
•
Parent is “safe base” from which to explore
Infant appeared to feel safe when parent left and confident that
she would return.
Anxious-ambivalent attachment (insecure)
–
–
•
Hesitant to leave parent’s side to explore or interact w/stranger
Extreme anxiety when parent left; ambivalent/resentful toward
parent upon return.
Avoidant attachment (insecure)
–
Avoid parent; little interaction w/parent or stranger
What accounts for differences in
attachment styles?
• Combination of: 1) inborn differences among
infants and 2) parenting practices.
– Secure infants: more likely to have parents who were
sensitive and responsive to their needs.
• Fed infants when they were hungry (i.e. not on a set schedule)
• Cuddled their babies at times other than during feeding or
changing.
– Insecurely attached infants: more likely to have parents
who were less sensitive, less responsive, and
inconsistent in their reactions to their babies.
• Fed infants on a set schedule or when it was convenient for
parents
• Sometimes ignored babies’ cries of hunger
• Avoided phyical contact with their babies
Adult intimate relationships and
attachment styles
Which statement best fits your attachment style?
A) I find it relatively easy to get close to other people. I am
comfortable depending on other people and having them depend
on me. I don't usually worry about being abandoned or about
having someone get too close to me.
B) I find it difficult to trust people completely. I am somewhat
uncomfortable being close to others. I feel nervous when people
start to get too close. Often, I feel like people want me to be more
intimate than I feel comfortable being. I find it difficult to allow
myself to depend on other people.
C) I find that other people are reluctant to get as close as I would
like. I often worry that someone I am close to doesn't really love
me or won't want to stay with me. I want to merge completely with
another person, and this sometimes scares people away.
Adult intimate relationships and
attachment styles
Which statement best fits your attachment style?
A) I find it relatively easy to get close to other people. I am
comfortable depending on other people and having them depend
on me. I don't usually worry about being abandoned or about
having someone get too close to me.
B) I find it difficult to trust people completely. I am somewhat
uncomfortable being close to others. I feel nervous when people
start to get too close. Often, I feel like people want me to be more
intimate than I feel comfortable being. I find it difficult to allow
myself to depend on other people.
C) I find that other people are reluctant to get as close as I would
like. I often worry that someone I am close to doesn't really love
me or won't want to stay with me. I want to merge completely with
another person, and this sometimes scares people away.
SECURE
AVOIDANT
ANXIOUS/AMBIVALENT
Adult intimate relationships and
attachment styles
Impact of attachment styles on intimate relationships:
(56% of adults
surveyed)
(19% of adults
surveyed)
(25% of adults
surveyed)
Issues in Loving Relationships
• Relationship between love & sex
– several possibilities
• Love w/o sex; sex w/o love
– questions to ask
• does sexual intimacy deepen a love relationship?
• do men & women have different views of sex & love?
– More women than men seem to believe that love is a
necessary component of a sexual relationship
– Easier for men than women to have sex for pleasure w/o an
emotional commitment
– These differences seem to diminish with age.
» Possibly b/c older women are less susceptible to negative
stereotypes of women who have sex for pleasure?
Issues in Loving Relationships (cont.)
• Sexual orientation and views of sex & love:
• Stereotype among heterosexuals that gay men and
lesbians have encounters that are primarily based on
sexual interaction w/o genuine attachment, love,
commitment, and overall satisfaction.
– Reflected in quote from textbook authors’ files:
“I would not consider myself to be biased against
homosexuals. However, I do feel some disapproval of the
gay lifestyle, which often seems to involve casual affairs
based more on sex than genuine caring.”
– Reflected in quote from anti-gay (religious) web site:
“The average homosexual relationship can be
characterized as highly unstable and promiscuous”
http://www.straight-talk.net/gay/facts.shtml
Issues in Loving Relationships (cont.)
• Sexual orientation and views of sex & love:
– homosexual men more likely to separate love from sex;
lesbians more likely to postpone sex until intimacy has
been established
• Pattern reflects overall sex differences in views of sex and love.
• Likely to arise from patterns of gender-role socialization that give
more permission for casual sex for males than for females.
• The fact that some gay men engage in casual sexual encounters
w/o love does not mean that gay men don’t value love; it simply
indicates that some gay men value sex as an end to itself.
• Heterosexual men visit brothels. Prostitution is a thriving industry.
– falling in love with a same sex person often helps in gay or
lesbian identity
• Many heterosexually oriented people have had same-sex sexual
encounters that do not establish an identity as a homosexually
oriented person; rather, it is falling in love w/a same-sex person that
contributes to the development of a homosexual identity.
Jealousy
• Jealousy: an aversive emotional reaction evoked by
real or imagined relationship between one’s partner
and another person.
– Many people have ambivalent feelings about jealousy and
simultaneously consider it a sign of insecurity as well as a
sign of love/devotion.
– People w/low self-esteem are more prone to jealousy.
– Negative consequences
• precipitates partner violence
• stifles relationship development
• raises anxiety, depression, anger
– Sex differences
• Women: more likely to be jealous of attractiveness or popularity;
Men: more likely to be jealous of wealth and fame
• Women are more likely to acknowledge jealous feelings and men
are more likely to deny them.
Discussion question:
In your opinion, what are the key
ingredients in a healthy relationship?
What qualities do you think are present in
an unhealthy relationship?
Maintaining Relationship Satisfaction
• Characteristics of high-quality love relationships
–
–
–
–
–
–
–
–
–
–
–
self-acceptance
appreciation of each other's qualities
maintaining frequent positive interaction
commitment
good & supportive communication
realistic expectations
shared interests
ability to face & deal with conflict
Supportive communication
Companionship, seeing partner as best friend
Sexual expression and variety
Maintaining Relationship Satisfaction
• Individual and relationship growth
– growth and change maintain relationship
– overcome obstacles
• view problems as challenges
• negotiate and renegotiate wants
• accept each other as unique
Maintaining Relationship Satisfaction
• Sexual Variety
– communication is critical
– be spontaneous
– plan for intimate time
– don't worry about frequency "standards"
The Importance of Communication
• Good communication is a valuable asset
in developing a satisfying, enduring sexual
relationship
• Key = mutual empathy
– The underlying knowledge that each partner
in a relationship cares for the other and knows
that the care is reciprocated.
Why sexual communication
can be difficult
• Socialization
– messages that increase shame & discomfort regarding
sexuality
– lack of communication in the home
– lack of positive role models
Why sexual communication
can be difficult
• Language can be an obstacle
– Limited vocabulary
• How we talked about sex as kids
• Two extremes of sexual language
– Embarrassment
Talking: Getting Started
(not just for the beginning of a relationship, though)
– Talk about talking
• Why is it hard to talk; is it hard for both partners? What might make
it easier to talk about sex?
– Use the news & current events
• Talking about a news story, or (maybe something that you learned
in this class!) can be a less personal, less threatening way of
starting a conversation about sex.
– Read & discuss:
• the written word may be easier, less threatening
• Books, articles, etc.; fun web site: http://www.nerve.com/regulars/
– Share sexual histories
• Ask questions; could be about sexual experiences, or about sex
education in your partner’s upbringing
Listening and Feedback
• Active listening
– Actively communicating that you are both listening to and
interested in what your partner is saying.
– Includes attentive body language & facial expressions,
asking questions, commenting, encouraging partner to
continue, etc.
• Maintain eye contact
• Provide feedback
– Verbal reaction to message; ensures you have interpreted
message correctly, lets your partner know how you feel in
response.
Listening and Feedback
• Support communication efforts
– “I’m glad you told me how you really feel.” “Thanks for
caring enough to tell me what is on your mind.”
• Unconditional positive regard
– Conveying to partner that you will still value and care for
him/her regardless of what s/he says.
• Paraphrasing
– Listener summarizes the speaker’s message in his or her
own words.
– Several attempts to paraphrase correctly may be
necessary.
Discovering Your Partner's Needs
• Asking questions is very important--some ways of asking
questions are more effective than others.
– Yes/no questions least informative
– Either/or questions: some structure, slightly more
informative
– open-ended questions: least structured, most informative
b/c there are no restrictions on possible answers.
Discovering Your Partner's Needs
(cont.)
• Self-disclosure
– disclosure elicits disclosure
– sharing of sexual fantasies can be exciting and
informative
– increases sexual satisfaction
– start with small disclosures & build
– be prepared to back off
– normative male alexithymia
Learning to Make Requests
• Take responsibility for your own pleasure
– Many people blame a partner if a sexual experience is unsatisfying
rather than admit that they are reluctant to express their
desires/needs.
– Myth that has been propagated in movies, etc: “When two people are
really in harmony with each other, you don’t have to talk about your
sexual wants. You sense and respond to the other’s desires. Talking
just spoils the magic.”
• Make specific requests
– EX: instead of saying, “I’d like you to try touching me differently,” say “I
would like you to touch me gently around my clitoris but not directly on
it.”
• Use "I" language not “You”
Expressing Complaints
• Be aware of your motivation
• Choose the right time & place
• Temper criticism with genuine praise
• Nurture small steps toward change
• Avoid "why" questions
– EX: “Why don’t you ever initiate sex?”
– disguised effort to attack the other person . . .
• Express negative emotions appropriately
• Limit to one criticism at a time
Receiving Complaints
• Empathize & paraphrase
– Paraphrase--to restate the complaint in your own words
• Partner knows s/he is understood
• You know you understand correctly
• Acknowledge the basis for criticism
• Ask clarifying questions
• Express your feelings about the complaint
– use “I” language
• Focus on changes that can be made
Gottman’s constructive communication
– Leveling and editing
• Leveling: stating thoughts and feelings clearly, simply,
and honestly with “I” language.
• Editing: avoid saying things that would be deliberately
hurtful or irrelevant to the issue at hand.
– Validating
• Acknowledging the reasonableness of our partner’s
concern
– Volatile dialogue
• Couples who never argue might be ignoring important
issues, causing resentment and frustration to build.
Gottman’s destructive communication
• Criticism
– Different from complaining; criticism is destructive, involves
expression of contempt
– Presents a problem by attacking other person’s character.
• Contempt
– worse than criticism; involves name-calling, insults, sarcasm
• Defensiveness
– Denial of responsibility; constructing a defense rather than trying
to discuss and resolve a problem.
• Stonewalling
– Refusal to engage and provide feedback (silence, walking
of the room, turning on the TV, etc.)
• Belligerence
– Confrontational, “in-your-face” type interaction
out
Impasses
• Talking may not solve every problem
• Additional steps to take
– agree to disagree
– take a break from each other, with an agreement
to re-address the issue
– grant each other their own beliefs
– consider counseling