Andrea Sullivan
Personal Change Proposal
COMM 2110-Sp15: Interpersonal Communication
Date: 03/02/2015
Goal:
My goal is to increase my Assertive interpersonal communication by responding without judging or becoming aggressive. I will focus on listening
without becoming too offended and remember to think of mine as well as my partner’s interests and the fairest way to resolve conflict and or
communicate.
Rationale:
As I have put more focus on being other-oriented I have noticed that my assertiveness has decreased. When I experience an egocentric
communicator I tend to automatically become defensive and the competition begins. The issue with this is my intent is to resolve the
miscommunication before it turns into pseudo conflict. My desire truly is to communicate well and have my feelings respected while respecting my
partner. When assertiveness is lacking most often the end result is not favorable in that neither person wins nor the conflict is resolved. It is
important to be open-minded when listening, but you cannot control others and their behavior, only your own. By becoming more assertive I believe
that my communication will be clearer and conflict can most often be resolved if not avoided. I think it is important to take the high road and not need
to have the last word or be the winner. Because the winner is actually the one who stays neutral and respects their partner as well as their own. Not
the person who is gunny-sacking or using conversational narcissism.
Strategies:
In order to become more assertive I plan to use the following strategies.
1.
Breathe and increase awareness on anxiety:
a.
Anxiety - By recognizing that my heart is racing and my anxiety is high I can become aware of my own actions realizing that I
am not communicating well and thus being a reminder of staying assertive (Beebe 5 ed. pg. 51) vs. egocentric
communicator (Beebe 5 ed. pg 57).
b.
Breathe - Breathers are my way of taking a step back and bringing me back to focus. I will have to do this subtly so that my
nonverbal cues (Beebe 5 ed. pg. 201) do not offended or interrupt the speaker. By taking a deep breath this will allow me to:
1.
Stop or make me aware of the anxiety or competition (Beebe 5 ed. pg 237). Competition is sometimes
natural when emotions are running high. The negative factor here is neither speaker is able to hear or
understand their partner as they are too caught up in winning at all cost. I can control my end and
without two people participating in it there is no competition.
2.
Remind me to focus on being open-minded. It is crucial to be open-minded when staying assertive
because you need to be able to identify what their beliefs or perception is. If you are not open-minded
then you are not going to be able to understand their side of the communication to assertively respond
back to them.
3.
Clear my thoughts of emotional noise (Beebe 5 ed. pg 133). Emotional noise is also critical for me to
be careful of if I am going to become more assertive. When you have emotional noise you are not
listening to the speaker and can easily start to become competitive or start gunny-sacking (Beebe 5
ed. pg. 244). This only fuels the fire and prevents me from being assertive.
2.
I will practice direct perception checking (Beebe 5 ed. pg. 85).
a.
By repeating what the speaker is saying I show respect and validate that I was listening to them and want to work towards
resolution. I want to use this actions so that I am certain what I just perceived is in fact what speaker was trying to
communicate. By doing this I am hoping to stop all misunderstands and or conflicts by showing the speaker that I am listening
and trying to respect their feelings and understand what they are trying to say.
1.
Example- “If I understand you correctly you didn’t get your room done because you have a homework
assignment that is due tomorrow”?
3.
I will use self awareness and I language.
a.
Self awareness (Beebe 5 ed. pg 55) is important so that you can understand how others view you. Am I likeable or when
they see me do they automatically assume that I am aggressive or a push over? Asking questions about how others see you
can help you understand the best way to be assertive and avoid conflict.
1.
For self awareness and as part of my direct perception I will ask clarifying questions including asking
their opinion of how I came across.
a.
Example- (continuing on the above scenario) I will wait for a response and once I have a
clear understanding I will ask something like “did I seem upset when I asked you, is that the
reason you raised your voice”?
b.
I language (Beebe 5 ed. pg 175-175) - In being assertive it is best to use I language. This lets the speaker know that it is
how you feel and that you not trying to create conflict. By using this method I can explain my feeling and desires without
offending my partner while still staying true to myself and my own beliefs, feelings and desires.
1.
Example: (final for above scenarios) I could end with “I understand that I seemed angry with you, and I
am frustrated with you for not managing your time better and finishing your room. I am upset that you
are not respecting my wishes of keeping your room clean and I feel let down and hurt when you spend
hours texting instead of cleaning your room. I will work on reminding you when you are getting
distracted with texting, so that we can avoid having this conversation in the future, if you will agree to
limit your time texting so that you have enough time to both clean your room and do your homework.
Sound fair”?
Implementation:
I will start to imply these strategies immediately, today 3/1/2015, in all aspects of life. Not just with family or friends, but strangers that I come in contact
with at the store, over the phone or at work. I will make regular journal entries of no less than 3 a week tracking my interactions and evaluate how I am
improving or where I still need improvement through those entries. I will pay attention to other interactions I see on TV and in person and critic how I
could’ve used assertiveness in those scenarios as more practice and to form a pattern of recognizing conflict and or effective communication. My
motivation will be in how I feel and the decreasing anxiety. With being assertive I will be able to be in the moment of communication and end any
communication knowing that I had done all that I could to avoid conflict. I cannot change others behaviors, but I can change how I react and respect
myself through being assertive. That way when the communication ends I will not be left with anxiety and go crazy reenacting the scene over and over
again in my head.
Works cited:
Beebe, Steven A, Beebe, Susan J, Redmond, Mark V. (2008) fifth edition Interpersonal Communication: Relating to Others. Boston: Pearson [Allyn &
Bacon]