Understanding How Your
Family Functions
Family Seminar
by Trevor O’Reggio
Introduction


Most of us have experienced some pain and
anguish in our family of origin, some more
than others.

Why not just leave our families behind?

Why not forget about them and go on with
our lives?
We can’t walk away and pretend our families
never happened.
Quote
As children, we tend to mold our personalities to adapt to our
environment. If our environment is supportive, nurturing,
and flexible, we are freed to express our own individuality. If
your environment is rigid, demanding, and conditional,
however, we are forced to shape our behavior to fit the needs
of others. We substitute our true self for a false self that is
more acceptable to our parents, whose love and approval we
need desperately. In essence we compromise who we really
are, and become what our parents need us to be.
–Laurie Ashner and Mitch Meyerson,
When Parents Love Too Much,
(New York, NY: Avon Books, 1990), p. 53.
Quote
You may feel that your family or origin wasn’t dysfunctional
since your father wasn’t an alcoholic . . . . The truth is,
however, that, due to the fallen nature of all parents (and
children), all families are flawed and therefore dysfunctional
to a certain degree. Addictive and compulsive behaviors
(addictions to food, sex, work, and so on) are extremely
common in even “the best of families,” and such behavior is
almost always linked to some form of dysfunctional family
background.
–Dave Carder, et al.,
Secrets of Your Family Tree,
Chicago, IL: Moody Press, 1991) p. 15.
The Family Defined


A family is more than a group of individuals
who happen to share the same address and
same last names.
Riddles of why you are the way you are can
be unlocked by looking at the family as a
system of relationships and interpersonal
dynamics.
Quote
Many of us left home, defiantly vowing, “I’ll never do it like
my parents.” Unfortunately, we are what we learn, and
eventually, somehow, our parents manage to take up
residence inside us. Only later as adults do we discover that
we have never truly left home. In fact, in many ways we are
just like our parents, who played the same game, different
name—yet all products of a codependent heritage, “Lost in
the shuffle.”
–Robert Subby, Lost in the Shuffle,
(Deerfield Beach, FL:
Health Communications, Inc., 1987) p. 92.
The Family Defined
Organism

A family is not merely a collection of separate
individuals but an organism in which
attitudes, values and actions of each member
interact with those of all the other members.
Quote
The Family as a System
The family firm is a sacred, social society, in
which each member is to act a part, each
helping the other. The work of the household
is to move smoothly, like the different parts
of well-regulated machinery. {AH 179.4}
Quote
The Family as a System
Every member of the family should realize that a
responsibility rests upon him individually to do his
part in adding to the comfort, order, and regularity of
the family. One should not work against another. All
should unitedly engage in the good work of
encouraging one another; they should exercise
gentleness, forbearance, and patience; speak in low,
calm tones, shunning confusion; and each doing his
utmost to lighten the burdens of the mother. . . .
The Family Defined
Organism


Many of our behavior patterns, both healthy
and unhealthy, flow from the role we occupy
in our particular family system.
When we understand our family system and
the role we play in it, we unlock emotions
and behaviors that would otherwise seem
impossible to explain.
Quote
The shame-bound family system is fixed in its form and
highly resistant to change, even though change is a natural
fact of life. This system is analogous to peanut brittle, with
each person fixed in stereotyped, inflexible roles and
relationships to one another . . . . When change exerts
enough force all at one moment upon a rigid system, it may
break and splinter. The shame-bound system does not have
good capacity to absorb very much stress and still retain its
integrity.
–Merle A. Fossum and Marilyn J. Mason,
Facing Shame: Families in Recovery,
(New York, NY: W.W. Norton, 1986) p. 19.
The Family Defined
System

Linear vs. Interactive Thinking




for every action there is an equal and opposite
reaction
-if I do “A” then “B” will happen
-kicking a can and kicking a dog
-predictability vs. unpredictability
The Family Defined
“Everything occurring in a family,
regardless of how carefully it may be hidden,
impacts the children. Everything.
The Family Defined
System

Linear and Interactive Thinking



Push resistant phenomenon
Importance of punctuation
Biblical example: Eph 4:28
•
Change the punctuation
•
Change meaning of passage
•
Our understanding of an event depends upon
mental punctuation
The Family Defined
•
Donna understood what was happening like
this:
- He withdraws, I nag.
•
From Fred’s perspective:
- She nags, I withdraw.
•
Both Fred and Donna are punctuating things
according to linear thinking in which there is a
single cause and a single result.
The Family Defined
Donna nags
➞➞
(Cause)
Fred withdraws
(Effect)
Fred withdraws ➞➞
(Cause)
Donna nags
(Effect)
This is the normal simplistic way to look at relationships
but relationships are interactive in nature and require
that we think in terms of feedback loops.
The Family Defined
Feedback Loops


The value of seeing things as feedback loops is
that it makes clearer that either party can change
the situation by changing his or her behavior.
The Family Defined
Donna nags
Fred withdraws
Fred withdraws
Donna nags
The Family and Change

What makes families change?

There are many factors, some normal and
some natural.
The Family and Change
Life Cycles in Families




Birth of first child
birth of other children
first day of school for oldest child
day the youngest child finishes school
The Family and Change




children leave home
parents reaching retirement age
caring for elder parent
death of a parent
The Family and Change
The life cycle gives families ample
opportunities to change but family systems
like most systems are resistant to change.
The Family and Change
Inertia – principle of homeostasis
This is our bodies ability to adjust to hot and cold
conditions. Family systems work the same way. Once
a pattern of relationship gets established in which
everyone is assigned a role powerful powers within
the system will work to keep things the same even if
circumstances change.
Case study: the daughter who just couldn’t leave
home.
The Family and Change
Family Secrets

What are the forces that keep families locked
in dysfunctional patterns?

Inertia

Family Secrets
The Family and Change
Family Secrets
Family secrets are things that have
happened and may still be happening that
family members know about but no one ever
talks about.
Quote
First and foremost, children are taught to disown what their
eyes see and what their ears hear. Because of denial in the
family, children’s perceptions of what is happening become
progressively and systematically negated. Overtly or covertly,
explicitly or implicitly, they are told not to believe what their
own senses tell them. As a result, the children learn to
distrust their own experience. At the same time, they are
taught not to trust other people.
–Herbert L. Gravitz and Julie D. Bowden
Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics,
(New York, NY: Simon & Schuster, 1985) p. 19.
The Family and Change
-some shameful events in the past
- some illegitimacy in the family
-incest among family members
-sexual abuse, emotional and physical abuse
-family member stricken with some terrible
disease such as AIDS, insanity, physical disability,
mental retardation
The Family and Change

Conspiracy of silence
Family secrets buried so deeply if brought to
the surface they could tear the family apart
family secrets are like having an elephant in
the parlor
you learn at a very early age that the one
question you never ask is “Why do we have an
elephant in the parlor?”

The Family and Change
Family Myths
Family myths are the opposite of family
secrets.
Quote
What is common to all such families is the commitment of all
family members to maintain the secrets through rigid rules
about what may and may not be talked about. These rules
prohibit spontaneity in the family relationships; with
spontaneity the real feelings and facts might be revealed.
Family members create powerful myths about their histories,
often leaving out the painful historical shapers of the shame.
The children in these families are loyal through their lack of
questioning about the past, thereby colluding in the family’s
rules.
–Merle A. Fossum and Marilyn J. Mason,
Facing Shame: Families in Recovery,
(New York, NY: Norton, 1986) pp. 45-46.
The Family and Change
Family Myths
Myths are things we talk about but never do.
Bernard Shaw, Family History: A Life Agreed
Upon.
-our family was very close
-claiming important people in your family tree
-claim wealth in family background
Quote
As adult children of dysfunctional families we operate in a
world of extremes—always seeking that healthy balance, the
Golden Mean, but always seeming to fall short of the mark. The
pendulum swings to one extreme and we feel lonely, isolated,
and afraid. We tire of this, and it swings to the other extreme,
where we feel enmeshed, smothered, and angry.
–John and Linda Friel,
Adult Children: The Secrets of Dysfunctional Families
(Deerfield Beach, FL: Health
Communications, Inc. 1988) pp. 17-18.
The Well-Adjusted Family

All families are imperfect, but some families are
healthier than others. How can you measure
the ways in which your family fell short of the
ideal so as to better understand your own need
for healing?
The Well-Adjusted Family
Fusion vs. Distance
emotional glue between families vs. withdrawal
and emotional distance, maintaining the balance

Family Problems vs. Personal Problems
Mutual Respect and Tolerance for Defense
The Well-Adjusted Family
Generational Respect
Traits of a Healthy Family
 What are the traits of a healthy family?
(See handouts “Characteristics of a Healthy
Family.”
The Well-Adjusted Family
Types of Dysfunctional Families
 Isolated Islands
Shared same last name and address but totally
detached from one another
Most severely disturbed pattern of family
dysfunction
Most negative impact on members
Relationship devoid of emotional content; existing
only for utilitarian purposes

The Well-Adjusted Family

Generational Splits
Lack of significant interaction between
parents and children
The Well-Adjusted Family

Gender Splits
Men and boys stick together as do the woman
and girls.
Little emotional interaction across gender
lines
Strong notion of sex based roles.
“men’s work” and “women’s work”
The Well-Adjusted Family

The Family Scapegoat
Someone becomes the blame for the family
problems, lightening rod of family
Scapegoat illustration from OT
“He just doesn’t fit in.”
What About My Family?

Family Inventory.
See handout “Family Inventory.”
What About My Family?

Adaptability Scale
Chaotic
6
7
Adaptable
8
9
10 11
Rigid
12
13 14 16 18
What About My Family?

Attachment Scale
Disengaged
6
7
8
Attached
9
10 11
Enmeshed
12
13 14 16 18
Genogram
Family Patterns and Family Sins
Principle of Balance
Balanced Triangle
Everyone involved in it is
comfortable with all the others;
there is no reason for it to
change.
Principle of Balance
Unbalanced Triangle
hardly a
A relationship of three people
who do not get along is
relationship at all.
Principle of Balance
Balanced Triangle
Two aligned parties draw their
strength from their mutual dislike
for the third party.
Ex. Moses, Aaron and Miriam
Principle of Balance
Unbalanced Triangle
One person has a good
relationship with two other people
who dislike each other, is by
nature unbalanced.
Quotes
Everything occurring in a family, regardless of how
carefully it may be hidden, impacts the children.
Everything.
–Robert Hemfelt and Paul Warren,
Kids Carry Our Pain, (Nashville, TN:
Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1990), p. 70.
Quotes
Characteristics of a Healthy Family
1. It is balanced; it can adapt to change.
2. Problems are handled on a family basis, not just an
individual basis.
3. There are solid cross-generational connections.
4. Clear boundaries are maintained between individuals.
5. People deal with each other directly.
6. Differences are accepted and encouraged.
Quotes
Characteristics of a Healthy Family
7. The thoughts and feelings of others are accepted.
8. Individuals know what they can give to, and receive from,
others.
9. Maintaining a positive emotional climate is a high priority.
10. Each family member values the family as “a good place to
live.”
11. Each learns from the others and encourages feedback.
12. Individuals are allowed to experience their own emptiness.
Forgiveness Quotes
One of the roots of compulsive behavior is pain that
is buried. Pretending that it isn’t there or that it
doesn’t bother you anymore won’t solve your
problems. Stoicism isn’t the answer. Facing your past
and forgiving those who wounded you is the only
lasting solution . . . .
When buried memories surface, they need to be
dealt with. It is important to forgive the parent who
hurt you and the one who didn’t protect you from the
hurt.
–Nancy Curtis, Beyond Survival
(Lake Mary, FL: Strang Communications, 1990) p. 59-60.
Forgiveness Quotes
Forgiveness breaks the cycle. It does not settle all
questions of blame and justice and fairness; to the
contrary, often it evades those questions. But it does
all relationships to start over. In that way, said
Solzhenitsyn, we differ from all animals. It is not our
capacity to think that makes us different, but our
capacity to repent, and to forgive. Only humans can
perform that most unnatural act, and by doing so only
they can develop relationships that transcend the
relentless law of nature.
–Philip Yancey, “An Unnatural Act,” Christianity Today,
(April 8, 1991) p. 37.
Forgiveness Quotes
But think about who your anger is hurting most:
It’s you, as you wallow in your inner turmoil and
bitterness. Forgiveness enables you to become fully
freed from your anger so that you can develop as good
a relationship as possible with your parents. Then,
you will also be free to move forward positively in
other relationships.
–Anne Grizzle, Mothers Who Love Too Much,
(New York, NY: Ivy Books, 1988 pp. 207-208.
Forgiveness Quotes
Forgiveness involves letting go. Remember playing
tug-of-war as a child? As long as the parties on each
end of the rope are tugging, you have a “war.” But
when someone lets go, the war is over. When you
forgive your father, you are letting go of your end of
the rope. No matter how hard he may tug on the other
end, if you have released your end, the war is over for
you.
–H. Norman Wright, Always Daddy’s Girl,
(Ventura, CA: Regal Books, 1989) pp. 235-236.
Forgiveness Quotes
Remember that no matter how you verbalize your
anger you must forgive! Forgiving starts with an act
of the will. Forgiving is a choice. It may take some
time to work through the emotional feelings that are
involved. We cannot immediately dismiss the feelings.
Again, it takes time to reprogram our computer. It
takes time to reprogram the feelings. However, we can
forgive others immediately by an act of the will.
–Frank B. Minirth, M.D. and Paul D. Meier, M.D.,
Happiness is a Choice,(Grand Rapids, MI:
Baker Book House, 1978) p. 156