What is Love?
Who is the fairest of them all?
I Love You Man!!


Love, both as an emotion and a
behavior, is essential to human survival.
The family is usually our first form of love;
it provides not only the necessary physical
things to get by, but it also provides the
necessary emotional support we need to
grow up.
Everyone needs to know they
are loved.
It starts as a child….
through adulthood.
…and continues
Being “in love” fills this need
At least for a while!
During the “in love”
phase, you minimize the
flaws of the beloved.
You think about them all
the time. You want to
be with them all the
time.
Links to Gender Differences
Words to describe falling in love

Your words?








Earth shattering
Trance
Beguiling
Amazed
Exhilarated
Sudden and intense
Trepidation
Struck by Cupid’s arrow
Sigmund Freud
“Work and love,
that’s all there is” –
Freud
“Falling in love is a
time when the
normal become
psychotic”
Love?
The Human Brain in Love
Introduction


Psychologists and the public use the word
“love,” so it must have some meaning
Today’s lecture is intended to challenge
your preconceptions and help you to
establish a working definition of love


Demonstrate your thoughts on love using the
ancient Greeks
Listen to Helen Fisher’s discussion of “love”
HIERARCHY OF NEEDS
gods had special powers, but looked like humans.
They married, played tricks, and had children.
WHAT IS LOVE (TO YOU)?

Every Person (Child/Teenager/Adult) is
Unique



Brain Functioning
Genetic Temperament
You individual “thoughts about love” may
be different than the next person

HANDOUT
Defining Love
For the Greeks, the three most important
types of love leading to more successful
intimate relationships are:
•
Eros (carnal or physical love)
•
•
(items 1-4); focuses on emotionally intense,
intimate relationships
Tend to idealize their partners; willing to take risks
Defining Love
The ancient Greeks divided love into a
number of elements:
•
Ludus (game-playing love)
•
•
•
•
(items 5-8); love is a series of challenges and
puzzles to be solved
Quickly moves in and out of relationships
Refuses to make long-term commitments
Wary of emotional intensity from others
Defining Love
The ancient Greeks divided love into a
number of elements:
•
Storge (friendship love)
•
•
•
(items 9-12); caring, concerned friendship based
on similar interests and pursuits
Love is evolutionary and take time to develop
Yearn for long-term relationship based on trust
Defining Love
For the Greeks, the three most important
types of love leading to more successful
intimate relationships are:
•
Pragma (practical rationale for relationship).
•
•
•
(13-16) It’s about the entire holistic life; not just
romantic love
Willingness to enter relationship to satisfy each
others’ practical needs
More on satisfactory rewards than romantic love
Defining Love
The ancient Greeks divided love into a
number of elements:
•
Mania (possessive/dependent love).
•
•
•
•
•
(items 17-20); possessive, dependent love
Partners are insecure and fearful of rejection
High emotional expressiveness and disclosure, but
low self-esteem
Anticipates love to be painful
Tries to force partner into greater expressions of
affection
Defining Love
For the Greeks, the three most important
types of love leading to more successful
intimate relationships are:
•
Agape (spiritual love)
•
•
Items (21-24); selfless, non-demanding love
They are not happy unless partners are happy
ROMANTIC LOVE
Also known as “puppy
love”, it is an
exaggerated form of
love.
Romantic love is …
Raymond Knee identifies five components of
romantic love:
(1) the belief that love conquers all;
(2) the belief that each person has only one true
love;
(3) the expectation that the beloved will live up
to the ideals of the lover;
(4) love at first sight is possible; and
(5) it is better to follow your heart than your
head when choosing a partner.
SEXUAL LOVE
The intimate expression of love. This type of love
is best saved for a committed married couple
PRAGMATIC LOVE
A rational reasoning kind of love.
Arranged marriage
PLATONIC LOVE

spiritual and intellectual relationship
between a man and a woman. Non sexual
COMPANIONSHIP LOVE.
Typically found in good friendships
ALTRUISTIC LOVE
Selfless love, or concern for the
spouse.
MANIC LOVE

a crazy, possessive,
jealous kind of love.
Unconditional love

Showing love towards someone regardless
of his or her actions or beliefs
SELF-LOVE

a egotistic, narcissistic kind
of love.
What is Love?
CHEMISTRY OF LOVE
Chemistry of falling in love
What are the physical reactions that can accompany
‘falling in love’?
‘high’ feeling – excitement, elation, giddiness
Cause – increased activity of neurotransmitters in
brain [norepinephrine, dopamine, esp.
phenylethylamine (PEA)]
Plus endorphins (morphine like substances) calming chemicals
Chemistry of falling in love
Love ‘highs’ do not last – usually 6-18 months –
possibly because body develops tolerance … romantic
love is short lived.
Withdrawal – loss of mood lifting chemicals – similar
effects to withdrawal of amphets and loss of ‘calming’
endorphins – dramatic breakups cause pain.
- Michael Liebowitz (1983). Chemistry of love.
Monogamy


Only 5% of species, those where both parents
needed for child’s survival
Pair-bonding: having an emotional attachment to
another is a “trademark” of humans



Oxytocin, vasopressin, dopamine release during love;
feels addicting
Good feelings associated with partner (classical
conditioning)
Tells you “Gee … romance with this person feels great”
rather than just “Geez romance feels great”
Helen Fisher
THE BRAIN IN LOVE: 15:00
Reiss’s Theory about Love

Reiss’s Wheel
Theory of Love
includes four stages:






Rapport
Self-revelation
Mutual dependency
Personality
Need fulfillment
The stages can be
repeated many times.
The
Wheel
as a
Model
of Love
The Wheel as a Model of Love

Stage 1 The Rapport Stage


Partners are struck by the feelings that they
have known each other before.
They are comfortable with each other, and
both want to deepen the relationship.
The Wheel as a Model of Love

Stage 2 The Self-revelation Stage
 The partners share more intimate feelings.
 This deepens the relationship because such
sharing is only done with special people.
 Self-disclosure is associated with increased
commitment, mutual trust, and love.
The Wheel as a Model of Love

Stage 3 Mutual Dependence


As sharing becomes more intimate, a feeling
of mutual dependence develops.
Falling in love provides a sense of very rapid
expansion of the boundaries of self. There
comes a feeling of loss when the partner is
absent.
The Wheel as a Model of Love

Stage 4 Intimacy

The partners experience more intimacy and
need fulfillment as they deepen their
relationship.
Female Courtship Ritual

Ms. Wonderful and
Mr. Sarver
Female Courtship Rituals
Women’s flirting behavior Eibl-Eibesfeldt (1989):
1) Smile
2) Lift Eyebrows in fast jerky motion
3) Open their eyes wide
4) Lower their eyelids
5) Tilt heads down and to the side
6) Look away
Female Courtship Rituals
Moore (1985; 1989):
Female courtship behaviors were defined as that specific
subset of nonverbal behavior that consistently resulted in
male attention
52 items identified
Courtship found to be more important that physical
attraction for garnering male interest.
Female Courtship Rituals
Type I, II, III glances, Eyebrow flash, head toss, hair flip,
face to face, lipstick application, lip lick, lip pout,
smiling, laugh, giggling, kissing, whisper, arm flexion,
tapping, palming, gesticulation, hand hold, primp, skirt
hike, object caress, caress (hair, leg, buttock, arm, torso,
back), lean, brush, breast touch, thigh tough, foot to foot,
placement, Lateral body contact, parade, approach,
promenade, pinching, tickling.
Male Courtship Rituals
Male Courtship Rituals
Male courtship rituals:
Submissive displays: Palms up, shoulder shrug, tilt
head.
Dominance displays: Entering personal space, putting
arm around shoulder, swagger.
Resources displays: Paying for food, drink. Wearing
expensive clothes. Bragging.
Male Courtship Rituals
Male rituals harder to chronicle (Taflinger, 1996):
The less ritualized and more original his approach
is, the more likely a woman is to accept it
This leads to ad hoc courtship by human males.
Factors Influencing Attraction
1) Proximity
2) Physical Attractiveness
3) Similarity
4) Reciprocity
5) Conditioning
6) Courtship
Psychology of Attraction
1.
Proximity: Geographic nearness is a
powerful predictor of friendship.
Repeated exposure to novel stimuli
increases their attraction (mere
exposure effect).
Proximity

Geographic nearness

The Mere Exposure Effect – repeated

contact with novel stimuli tends to
increase liking for the stimuli
People also tend to meet in locations
engaging in activities that reflect common
interests – the NHSLS confirms this
Proximity
Reasons why proximity plays a role in
attraction
1) Mere exposure
2) More opportunities to meet, interact
3) People are likely to live near people of
similar economic, social backgrounds
Proximity
Mere exposure (Zajonc, 1966; Moreland &
Beach 1992)
4.6
4.4
Ratings of
attraction.
4.2
4
3.8
3.6
3.4
3.2
3
0
5
10
15
Proximity
More opportunities to meet, interact:
Homes for elderly, college campuses distance
between rooms predicts attraction (Nahemow &
Lawton, 1975)
Manipulating dorm assignments (Festinger, 1950)
Random (alphabetized) seating assignments in
class (Segal, 1974)
Proximity
People are likely to live near people of similar
economic, social backgrounds:
Wealth, class, ethnicity, and education levels tend
to cluster by neighborhood (U.S. Census Bureau,
1990).
People with similar backgrounds are inclined to
like each other more (Newcomb, 1956).
Psychology of Attraction
2. Physical Attractiveness: Once
proximity affords contact, the next
most important thing in attraction is
physical appearance.
Physical Attraction
People like beauty. Halo effects (Hatfield et al,
1986)
More attractive people get lower bail set, (Downs
& Lyons, 1991), more easily influence others
(Chaiken, 1979), earn more money (Hamermesh
& Biddle, 1994).
#1 predictor of date satisfaction for males is the
attractiveness of the partner (Sprecher & Duck,
1994)
Physical Attraction
Beauty is objective:
1) High level of agreement across cultures
(Langlois et al, 2000)
2) Certain features of faces are reliably associated
with attractiveness (Cunningham, 1986)
3) Babies prefer attractive faces (Cowley, 1996).
Physical Attraction
Beauty is subjective:
1) Different cultures “improve” beauty in different ways
(Newman, 2000).
2) Different body types are judged to be more attractive in
different parts of the world (Anderson et. al 1992)
3) Body type standards vary over time (Silverstein et al,
1986).
Physical Attraction
Things that people agree on:
1) Symmetrical faces are more attractive
Physical Attraction
Things that people agree on:
2) More average faces are more attractive
3) Waist/hip ratio for women is judged
similarly across culture. Men prefer waists
1/3 narrower than hips (Singh, 1993)
4) Across culture, women prefer men to have a
V-shaped physique (Singh, 1995)
Physical Attraction
Things that people agree on:
5) Women who have large eyes, prominent
cheekbones, small bones and a wide smile are
judged more attractive (Cunningham, 1986)
6) Men with broad jaws and chiseled features are
judged more attractive (Cunningham et al,
1990).
Physical Attraction
Situational influences on attraction:
1) Contrast effects (Kenrick et al, 1993)
2) Opinions of same sex peers (for women) (Graziano et
al, 1993)
3) Girls all get prettier at closing time effect, (Gladue &
Delaney, 1990)
4) Glasses (Terry & Macy, 1991)
Physical Attraction
Good male names: Alexander, Joshua, Mark, Henry,
Scott, Taylor.
Good female names: Elizabeth, Mary, Jessica, Ann,
Brittany, Isabella
Bad male names: Otis, Roscoe, Norbert, Ogden,
Willard, Eugene
Bad female names: Mildred, Frieda, Agatha, Harriet,
Rosalyn, Tracy
Psychology of Attraction
3. Similarity: Similar views among
individuals causes the bond of
attraction to strengthen.
Similarity breeds content!
Similarity
Schuster & Elderton (1906)
Married couples report significant
agreement about politics and religion.
Friends were more similar in attitudes,
beliefs, values, and interests.
Correlation does not imply causation.
Similarity
Demonstrating that similarity is responsible for
attraction (Newcomb, 1956)
Gave students free rent in a dorm in exchange for
being study participants.
Took measures of attitudes on different topics
before students arrived on campus.
Over the course of the year, students with similar
attitudes reported more attraction to each other
Similarity
Matching Hypothesis: We like those who
are like ourselves (Galton, 1870).
Romantic pairs are similar in physical
attractiveness (Zajonc et al, 1987)
Even college roommates, prefer to be of
similar attractiveness (Carlie et al. 1991)
Sense of humor particularly important
(Cann et al., 1995)
Reciprocity
People like positive feedback (Coleman,
Jussim, & Abraham, 1987).
Even obvious attempts at flattery increase
liking (Drachman et. al. 1978).
Being liked leads to positive interpersonal
behavior (1986).
Reciprocity
Over time, people prefer increasing affinity
rather than decreasing affinity (Aronson et
al, 1965).
This has been referred to as the “couple’s
curse”.
Reciprocity
Playing hard to get
Very hard to get empirical data supporting this
strategy (Walster et al, 1973)
Although people prefer moderately selective
mates to those with no selectivity, lack of
perceived interest is typically perceived as a turn
off (Wright & Contrada, 1986).
Conditioning
Association with positive or negative stimulus
influences attractiveness ratings.
Negative mood leads to lower attractiveness
ratings (Byrne & Clore, 1970).
Unpleasant background music when meeting a
person leads to subsequent lower attractiveness
ratings (May & Hamilton, 1980)
Courtship
1) Opening Lines
2) Female Courtship Rituals
3) Male Courtship Rituals
Introductions
Kleinke et al, 1986;
Investigated what people say when trying to
meet somebody they don’t know (pick up lines)
Typical Answers:
• “Hi, I’m easy, are you?”
• “Where are you from”
• “Hi. I’m a little embarrassed about this, but
I’d like to get to know you.
Introductions
Kleinke et al, 1990; Cunningham, 1989
Looked at the effectiveness of different
types of opening lines in laboratory, and
then real life settings
Likeability
6.6
6.4
6.2
6
5.8
5.6
5.4
5.2
5
Flippant
Innocuous
Direct
Introductions
Kleinke et al, 1990; Cunningham, 1989
Setting
Best Line
Worst Line
Club
Do you want to
dance?
Bet I can out-drink
you!
Laundromat Want to have a cup of
Those are some
coffee while we’re
nice undies you
waiting
have there
Beach
Want to play frisbee? Let me see your tan
lines.
The Love Scale





Rubin tried by having hundreds of couples
respond to a questionnaire.
The Love Scale had three components:
Attachment – the desire for another’s
presence and emotional support
Caring – concern for the other’s well being
Intimacy – desire for close, confidential
communication


Is the Love Scale meaningful ?
Maybe, couples who scored high
spend more time looking in each
others eyes
Robert Sternberg
Triangular Theory of Love
Sternberg’s Triangular Theory
Love is multifaceted, with up to 3 central
components
1. Passion: intense longing for another
person
2. Intimacy: feeling connected, enjoying
one’s company and support
3. Commitment: obligations and
responsibilities to one another

That’s How It Works !



Putting it all together
Sternberg explains the transition from
passionate to companionate love
Passionate love develops rapidly and
intensely, then declines. Intimacy and
commitment grow. If they don’t, the drop
in passion likely signals the relationship’s
end.
Taking It Apart


The interplay of these three components
and their varying power over time results
in differences in how we experience love.
Isolating and combining the three faces
gives us informative labels for differing
types of love.
Quick Quiz
1. Love that includes intimacy and
commitment without passion is
a)
b)
c)
d)
Familial Love
Companionate Love
Empty Love
Liking
Answer: b
•
Companionate love is a strong bond
that includes intimacy and commitment
without passion .
2. The process of passing society’s values on
to new members is
a)
b)
c)
d)
Coding
Modeling
Brainwashing
Socialization
Answer: d
•
Socialization is the process of passing
society’s values on to new members.
3. The Greek term for brotherly love is
a)
b)
c)
d)
Agape
Philos
Eros
Storge
Answer: b
•
Philos is the Greek term for brotherly
love.
Peck’s Criticisms of “Love”

Falling in love (passion) ≠ love




Excitement related to new, attractive person
“We fall in love when we are consciously or
unconsciously sexually motivated”
The honeymoon always ends
Dependency ≠ love



“I need him” or “I’d die without her”
“What you describe is parasitism, not love”
Love is based on choice, not necessity

Love ≠ a feeling



Love is an action, characterized by treating
someone well
Having strong feelings that someone is
important or needed doesn’t mean you love
them
Myth of Romantic love



Story that two people are “meant to be,” that
it is predetermined “in the stars”
If it doesn’t end up working out, people say it
wasn’t “true love” after all (hindsight bias)
Realistically, there are many suitable partners

Love is…
An action, not a feeling
 Attention
 A risk of rejection
 Independence, not dependence
 Commitment
 Self-disciplined

…hard work
Happy Couples



Partner’s know each other’s hopes, quirks,
likes, dislikes
Secret Weapon: ritualized “repair
attempts” to prevent increased negativity
Shared, deep sense of meaning
Unhappy Couples

Arguments characterized by…
 Harsh setup: negative and accusatory
 4 types of negative interactions:
criticism, contempt, defensiveness,
stonewalling
 Flooding  Stonewalling
 Failed repair attempts
 Bad memories
Love Quotes
“I define love thus: The will to extend one’s self for
the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s
spiritual growth”
- M. Scott Peck
“Love is the subtlest force in the world”
- Mahatma Gandhi
“Love is the only force capable of transforming an
enemy into a friend”
- Martin Luther King Jr.
“It’s a curious thought, but it is only when you see
people looking ridiculous, that you realize just how
much you love them”
- Agatha Christie
“One of the oldest human needs is having
someone to wonder where you are when you don’t
come home at night”
- Margaret Mead
“Love is a condition in which the happiness of
another person is essential to your own”
- Robert Heinlein
“Whoso loves… Believes the impossible”
- Elizabeth Barrett Browning
“Sympathy constitutes friendship; but in love there
is a sort of antipathy, or opposing passion. Each
strives to be the other, and both together make up
one whole”
- Samuel Taylor Coleridge
“True love comes quietly, without banners or
flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears
checked.
- Erich Segal
“Love talked about can be easily turned aside, but
love demonstrated is irresistible”
- W. Stanley Mooneyham
Helen Fisher
THE BRAIN IN LOVE: 15:00