Bart vs. Thanksgiving
Bart vs. Thanksgiving
Written by George Meyer
Directed by David Silverman
Title sequence
Blackboard
{I will not do that thing /
with my tongue.}
{I will not do that thi} at
cutoff.
Driveway
Homer says nothing when Lisa
scoots past.
Couch
The family find Grampa on the
couch, who mutters incoherently.
Quotes and scene summary
Humming `Greensleeves', Marge
snaps on a pair of latex gloves and
proceeds
to unstuff the turkey. Maggie
descends from her high chair and
pays a
visit to the living room.
Lisa: Mmph. [as Bart muffles
her with a cushion]
Homer: Bart! Stop fighting with
your sister!
Bart: She took my glue!
Lisa: It's not yours, Bart.
This is family glue!
Homer: Stop it, you two. This
is Thanksgiving, so glue friendly
or I'll take
your glue away and then
<no one> will have any glue to glue
with.
-- ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
Lisa: Dad, this isn't about
glue. It's about territoriality.
He only wants the glue
because I'm using it.
Bart: Oh yeah? Prove it.
Lisa: [hands him the glue]
Here.
Bart: Hey man, I don't want your
stupid glue.
-- ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
Bart tosses the glue away, and it
lands in front of Maggie. She
reaches
toward it, but Lisa snatches it
before Maggie can mistake it for a
bottle
of formula. Lisa heads upstairs,
and Maggie follows.
Bill: Uh oh, here comes our
friend, Bullwinkle J. Moose.
Homer: Heh heh heh, Bullwinkle's
antler sprung a leak.
Bill: Uh oh, looks like ol'
Bullwinkle's kinda gotten a taste
of his
own medicine. Ha ha.
Marty: He certainly does, Bill.
Bill: Ha ha. Wait, what did...
Did what I say make sense?
Marty: Well, no, not really
Bill.
Bill: Boy, now I know how the
pilgrims felt.
Marty: What are you talking
about, Bill?
-- Watching the Thanksgiving Day
parade, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
Bart doesn't recognize Bullwinkle
or Underdog and complains that they
ought to use ``cartoons made in
the last fifty years.''
Son, this is a tradition. If
they start building a balloon for
every
flash-in-the-pan cartoon
character, you'll turn the parade
into a FARCE.
[the Bart Simpson balloon floats
past]
-- Homer watches the
Thanksgiving Day parade with Bart,
``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
[a little meta-humor for your
enjoyment]
Maggie makes a dangerous trek up
the stairs, dodging a skateboard,
frayed
electrical wires, and other
roadblocks. Lisa shows Maggie the
centerpiece
she's been working on, ``a tribute
to the trailblazing women who made
our
country great,'' including Georgia
O'Keefe, Susan B. Anthony, and
Margery
Stoneman Douglas (who worked to
preserve the Everglades). She
invites
Maggie to make a contribution.
Maggie scrawls on the centerpiece
with a
magic marker, and Lisa embraces
her. ``Oh, thank you.''
In the kitchen, Marge asks Bart to
stay out of her way, so he offers
to
help out. Marge asks him
the cranberry sauce. Bart
trouble
finding the can, then the
opener. Then he is unable
the can
opener to work.
to do
has
can
to get
It's broken, Mom. ... Mom,
it's broken. ... [sings] Mom-it'sbrok-en,
Mom-it's-brok-en, Mom-it's-broken, Mom-it's-brok-en....
-- Bart `helps out' in the
kitchen, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
Marge opens the can, and Bart
slowly lets the sauce glop onto the
plate,
still in the cylindrical shape
from the can. ``Ah, cranberry
sauce a la
Bart.'' Marge asks Bart to put it
in the fridge, but Bart has already
left. Before Marge gets to it,
the sauce collapses into an
amorphous glob.
Maggie wanders into the living
room, where Homer is watching TV.
See Maggie, those silver-andblue guys are the Dallas Cowboys.
They're
Daddy's favorite team. And he
wants them to lose by less than
five and
a half points. Understand?
-- Homer, ``Bart vs.
Thanksgiving''
The receiver takes a nasty hit.
He's flat on his back.
Looks like they'll be feeding
him Thanksgiving dinner through a
tube.
-- Sportscaster on the football
player's injury, ``Bart vs.
Thanksgiving''
Marge reminds Homer to pick up
Grampa, and Homer defers it until
halftime.
Patty and Selma arrive, carrying
pots of Swedish meatballs and trout
almandine, respectively. Marge is
upset that they don't trust her
cooking. They explain that they
merely brought backups in case some
people found her turkey too dry.
Homer greets the twins and leaves
to
pick up Grampa.
In the car, Homer angrily mimics
Patty and Selma's grunting, then
turns
on the car radio.
Announcer: And now, get set for
our fabulous halftime show,
featuring the
well-groomed young
go-getters of `Hooray for
Everything!'
Homer:
Oh, I love those
kids. They've got such a great
attitude!
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen,
`Hooray for Everything' invites you
to join them in a
salute to the greatest hemisphere
on earth,
the Western
Hemisphere! The dancingest
hemisphere of all!
-- Football halftime show,
``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
Homer `dances' his fingers and
shoulders and bobs his head to the
music.
He arrives at the retirement home,
where their dinner is about to
begin.
Now, before we sit down to our
delicious turkey puree, I have
some, uh,
happy news. The following
people have relatives who wished
they could
be here today...
-- At the rest home, ``Bart vs.
Thanksgiving''
He reads off a list of names, and
a fax comes in. ``Oh, and Mrs.
Spencer,
you too.'' ``Oh, I knew they
wouldn't forget me.'' Homer comes
in
and drags Grampa away.
A taxi pulls in front of the
house, and Marge's mother comes
out.
I have laryngitis. It hurts to
talk. So I'll just say one
thing...
You never do anything right.
-- Mrs. Bouvier, ``Bart vs.
Thanksgiving''
Maggie is watching the end of the
halftime show as Marge brings food
from the kitchen to the dining
table.
Thank you!
You're super!
Be
good to each other!
-- `Hoorary for Everything'
entertains during the football
halftime show,
``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
In the Silverdome, now ablaze
with flashbulbs, as `Hooray for
Everything'
leaves the field! Of course, a
stadium is much too big for flash
pictures
to work, but nobody seems to
care!
-- Announcer for the halftime
show, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
Homer tries to get a fire started
in the fireplace with a set of
bellows,
but isn't making any progress.
Marge calls that dinner is ready
(``The
hell with this!'' yells Homer),
and the guests are seated. Lisa
comes
down with the centerpiece.
Holy moley! That's the
biggest... one of those I ever saw!
-- Homer appreciates Lisa's
Thanksgiving dinner table
centerpiece,
``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
``Definitely from our side of the
family,'' notes Selma. Lisa's
description of the centerpiece is
interrupted by Bart, who brings
in the turkey. He tells Lisa to
move the centerpiece to free up
``valuable real estate'' for the
turkey. Bart and Lisa struggle
for the centerpiece, which lands
in the fireplace. The fire roars
to life. (``Hey, that got 'er
goin'!'' observes Grampa.) Lisa
attacks Bart, crying, ``You don't
even care!'', then runs upstairs
to her room in tears.
Homer: All right Bart, that's
it! Go to your room! Now!
Bart: Okay, I'll take some
white meat and stuffing to go, and
send up the pumpkin pie
in about 20 minutes.
-- ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
Marge scolds, ``I hope you're
happy, Bart! You've ruined
Thanksgiving!''
[End of Act One.
Time: 8:17]
Bart grumbles in his room.
Downstairs...
And Lord, we are especially
thankful for nuclear power, the
cleanest,
safest energy source there is.
Except for solar, which is just a
pipe dream.
Anyway, we'd like to thank you
for the occasional moments of peace
and
love our family has experienced.
Well, not today, but... You saw
what
happened! Oh, Lord, be honest!
Are we the most pathetic family in
the
universe or what!
-- Homer says grace at
Thanksgiving dinner, ``Bart vs.
Thanksgiving''
``Amen'' says all.
yet,'' notes Selma.
``Worst prayer
Lisa's sax
playing can be heard downstairs,
and Marge goes up to talk to her.
Lisa: Mom, I poured my heart
into that centerpiece! [which Bart
destroyed]
Things like that <always>
happen in this family.
Marge: I noticed that, too.
-- ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
Marge tells Bart he can come down
to dinner if he apologizes to Lisa.
Bart scoffs, ``They think they can
starve an apology out of me? Ha!''
He climbs out the window and down
a nearby tree, landing in a patch
of
daisies. ``Uh oh. ... I mean,
good!'' and starts stomping the
flowers
with renewed vigor. Santa's
Little Helper is thrown out of the
house
for swiping a drumstick. Bart and
SLH head off. They find Monty
Burns'
mansion. Inside, Burns
congratulates Smithers on yet
another excellent
repast. ``I couldn't eat another
bite. Dispose of all this.''
Burns
indicates a huge banquet table
still loaded with food. Though he
did
save room for some pumpkin pie,
which is cooling on the window
sill.
Bart climbs through the hedges,
spots the pie, and reaches for it.
But
his hand crosses laser beam
detectors, and Burns' security are
alerted.
``The intruder appears to be a
young male, age 9 to 11.'' Burns
responds,
``Release the hounds.'' Bart
narrowly escapes with his life.
Meanwhile, Lisa is in her room at
her desk.
I saw the best meals of my
generation
destroyed by the madness of my
brother.
My soul carved in slices
by spikey-haired demons.
-- `Howl of the Unappreciated'
by Lisa Simpson, ``Bart vs.
Thanksgiving''
Bart reassures SLH that they'll
get food, ``even if we have to pay
for it.''
Bart crosses railroad tracks to
the seedy part of town.
Cool! The wrong side of the
tracks!
-- Bart crosses the railroad
tracks, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
He spots a sign in the Springfield
Plasma Center, offering to pay $12
for a blood donation.
Twelve bucks!
Hey, I can bleed!
-- Bart observes he can make $12
by giving blood, ``Bart vs.
Thanksgiving''
Nurse: Hey, you've gotta be
eighteen to sell your blood. Let's
see some ID.
Bart: Here ya go, doll-face.
Nurse: Okay, Homer, just relax.
Bart: Ow!
-- Bart gives blood to make some
money, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
Back home...
At the risk of losing my voice,
let me just say one more thing:
I'm sorry I came.
-- Mrs. Bouvier makes a rare
comment, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
Selma wonders when Bart will
apologize. ``He sure is
stubborn.''
Grampa: Homer was never
stubborn. He always folded
instantly over anything.
It was as if he had no
will of his own. Isn't that true,
Homer?
Homer: [sycophantically] Yes,
Dad.
-- ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
Bart staggers out of the Plasma
Center, a cookie in his hand.
Twelve bucks and a free cookie!
What a country! [passes out]
-- Bart gives blood, ``Bart vs.
Thanksgiving''
SLH eats the cookie.
[End of Act Two.
Time: 13:12]
Two street bums find Bart and take
him to a soup kitchen.
All right! Twelve big ones and
free grub to boot. Viva Skid Row!
-- Bart learns about life on the
wrong side of the tracks,
``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
Kent Brockman from Channel 6 (KWZ)
is making a live news report.
Kent: Oh, we have lots of names
for these people. Bums, deadbeats,
losers,
scums of the earth. We'd
like to sweep these people into the
gutter,
or if they're already in
the gutter, to some other out-ofthe-way
place. Oh, we have our
reasons. They're depressing, they
wear
ragged clothes, they're
[makes quotation sign with fingers]
``crazy'',
they smell bad.
Guy: Hey, listen, man.
Kent: [whispers] Wait, I'm
going somewhere with this.
-- Kent Brockman's Emmy-winning
news report from a soup kitchen,
``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
The family are watching the report
on TV.
Marge: Everyone, Lisa wants to
read us a poem she's written.
Grampa: Sounds interesting.
Homer: Oh, okay.
Lisa:
Ahem. `Howl of the
Unappreciated'. By Lisa Simpson.
Ahem.
`I saw the best
meals...' [Bart appears on
television]
Grampa: Gasp. It's Bart!
Homer: What show is <this>?
-- Bart manages to upstage Lisa
from miles away, ``Bart vs.
Thanksgiving''
Kent: And how long have you been
on the streets?
Bart: Going on five years, Kent.
Kent: Ah. Son, your family may
be watching. Is there anything
you'd like
to say to them?
Bart: Yes there is, Kent. Ha
ha! I didn't apologize!
-- Bart is interviewed for a
television documentary, ``Bart vs.
Thanksgiving''
Operator, give me the number for
nine-one-one!
-- Homer, ``Bart vs.
Thanksgiving''
Kent packs his things and leaves.
``This reporter smells another
local
Emmy.'' One of the bums asks Bart
if he's got a place to sleep. Bart
says, ``There's this family I
kinda hang out with.'' The soup
kitchen
cook says, ``See you at
Christmas,'' and closes the doors.
Bart finds
the money in his pocket. ``Uh,
listen guys, I was thinking.
Unless
you feel weird about taking money
from a kid, I thought maybe...'' He
gives them the money and rushes
home.
The two cops tell Homer that Bart
isn't at the Rescue Mission any
more
and ask what prompted Bart to run
away.
The Thanksgiving dinner guests
head for home.
If I'm not back at the home by
nine they declare me legally dead
and
collect my insurance!
-- Grampa rushes back to the
rest home, ``Bart vs.
Thanksgiving''
In the living room...
Marge: Homer, this is a terrible
thing that's happened, but we can't
blame ourselves.
Homer: We can and will!
Marge: Children need discipline.
You can ask any syndicated advice
columnist.
-- Worrying about Bart, ``Bart
vs. Thanksgiving''
Bart reaches the front door and
wonders if he should go inside...
He
dreams of being greeted warmly by
the family. Marge asks, ``Isn't
there
something you'd like to say to
your sister?'' Bart responds,
``Okay.
I'm sorry, too.'' The lighting
suddenly turns grim. Marge scolds,
``No,
no, no! That won't do at all!''
Homer says, ``Yeah, boy. Get down
on your knees and BEG for
forgiveness!'' Lisa evilly adds,
``Yeah. Beg
me Bart. Beg me!'' Bart does so,
but they just laugh in his face.
Marge: Now we can blame him for
everything!
Homer: It's your fault I'm
bald!
Bart:
[meekly] I'm sorry.
Grampa: It's your fault I'm old!
Bart:
I'm sorry!
Maggie: It's your fault I can't
talk!
Bart:
I'm sorry!
Uncle Sam: It's your fault
America has lost its way!
Bart:
I'm sorry!
All:
It's all your fault!
It's all your fault! It's all your
fault!
-- Bart's dream, ``Bart vs.
Thanksgiving''
Bart returns to reality. ``I'm
sorry all right. Sorry I came back
here.''
He climbs a tree and hops onto the
roof.
Whoa! My whiffle balls! My
frisbees! My water rockets!
I've hit the jackpot!
-- Bart climbs to the roof,
``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
Bart plays football on the roof.
Meanwhile, Lisa is at her desk.
Dear Log: My brother is still
missing, and maybe it's my fault
because
I failed to take his abuse with
good humor. I miss him so much
already
that I don't... know... [sobs]
-- Lisa writes in her diary,
``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
Bart hears Lisa's sobbing through
a ventilation pipe and invites her
up.
Lisa joins him on the roof.
Lisa: Bart, what are you doing
up here? Everybody's worried!
Bart: Really? Did they cry?
Lisa: Yes.
Bart: Whoa! Bulls-eye!
-- Lisa joins Bart on the roof
after his brief career as a
runaway,
``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
She asks why he burnt her
centerpiece. ``Was it because you
hate me?
Or because you're bad.''
I don't know! I don't know why
I did it! I don't know why I
enjoyed it!
And I don't know why I'll do it
again!
-- Bart doesn't apologize to
Lisa, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
Lisa tells him, ``The only reason
to apologize is if you look deep
down
inside yourself, and you find a
spot, something you wish wasn't
there
because you feel bad you hurt your
sister's feeling.'' Bart gives in
and closes his eyes. ``This is so
stupid. I'm not going to find
anything.
Just because I wrecked something
she worked really hard on, and I
made
her cr---... Uh oh. ... I'm sorry,
Lisa.'' Lisa accepts the apology.
Homer peeks out from the bathroom
window.
You know, Marge? We're great
parents!
-- Homer watches Bart apologize
to Lisa on the roof, ``Bart vs.
Thanksgiving''
At 11pm, the family are gathered
around the kitchen table...
Homer: Oh Lord, on this blessed
day, we thank Thee for giving our
family
one more crack at
togetherness.
All:
Amen.
-- Homer says grace at the
second Thanksgiving dinner,
``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
They then dig into turkey
sandwiches.
[End of Act Three.
Time: 20:33]