A First Steps guide to
Improving
communication and
assertiveness
First Steps, Version 2, July 2013
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Improving communication and assertiveness
‘I don’t know how to say no without offending people’
‘I always seem to say the wrong thing’
‘Every discussion turns into an argument’
‘I never feel heard’
These are things we commonly hear from people who are having trouble with their
communication and assertiveness. This may be from lack of confidence, low self-esteem,
following difficult or traumatic events or for a variety of different reasons.
This booklet aims to give you more information on communication and assertiveness and
equip you with some tools and techniques for improving your communication style.
Good communication is about being able to listen to others, express your thoughts and
feelings and being able to accept the beliefs and feelings of others, even when they are
different from your own.
Assertiveness is a word used to describe a certain way of behaving and communicating with
others. It means that we are communicating our feelings, thoughts and beliefs in an open,
honest manner while respecting the rights, opinions and beliefs of others.
We often act in an unassertive manner because we have learned through our experiences to
behave that way. We have all learned to be the way we are; therefore we can learn to behave
differently. This includes things like being able to set boundaries, say ‘no’ to others in an
appropriate way and accept the consequences of this.
This booklet offers some suggestions for improving your communication skills and becoming
more assertive.
Here at Virgin Care we are keen that this information is shared as widely as possible to help support
anyone who might benefit from it. However, can we remind you that it is subject to Copyright
Legislation so please do let us know if you plan to reuse or reproduce any of the content
First Steps
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Improving communication and assertiveness
What is in this booklet?
Page
What do we mean by communication? Also looks at why communication is
important
4
Non verbal communication How to understand non verbal communication
and why it is important
5
Listening How to develop the skills to listen effectively
7
Communication spoilers 6 keys things that can have a negative effect on
communication
8
Healthy communication Some things to think about
8
What is assertiveness? Why are we unassertive and what are the
advantages to assertive communication?
9
Communication and emotions Looks at the way your thoughts, behaviours,
physical symptoms and emotions are affected by our communication style
10
Communication styles Looks at the differences between assertive,
aggressive, passive and passive aggressive communication styles.
13
Assertiveness training What are our basic rights? The goal of
assertiveness is to stand up for these without violating the rights of others.
14
Talking yourself into being assertive Looks at how our thoughts can
prevent us from being more assertive
15
The importance of ‘I’ statements A technique to help you express your
needs and emotions in an appropriate way
16
Managing conflict (scripting) How to use ‘I’ statements to resolve
differences and how to plan managing a potential conflict situation
17
Setting limits and saying ‘no’ What stops you from saying ‘no’. Some
different ways of saying no assertively
19
Useful contacts
22
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Improving communication and assertiveness
What do we mean by communication?
“The process by which we establish contact and exchange
information with others” (Insel and Roth, 1996)
Communication allows us to make contact and exchange information with others. It is a
process rather than a single act and is a two way exchange. We are always communicating,
it is not possible to NOT communicate – even if we are not using words, we are sending
messages through our non-verbal communication.
Effective communication is important because:

It influences all relationships

Relationships are central to emotional health

Lack of effective communication can lead to disputes, isolation & misunderstandings,
all of which can cause emotional distress
Effective communication is an essential part of having successful personal and work based
relationships. Communication can also be affected by the relationship between people – for
example you are much more likely to accept a compliment from someone you are close to
than from someone that you don’t get on with very well.
There are three essential skills of good communication:

Listening to what the other person is saying

Expressing how you feel and what you think

Accepting the other person’s opinions and feelings, even when they are different to
your own
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Non-verbal communication
Good communication is the foundation of successful relationships, both personally and
professionally. Communication is much more than words as research shows that the majority
of our communication is non-verbal.
The ability to understand and use non-verbal communication is a powerful tool that will help
you connect with others, express what you really mean, manage challenging situations, and
build better relationships at home and work.
When we interact with others, we continuously give and receive non-verbal signals. All of our
non-verbal behaviours, including the gestures we make, the way we sit, how fast or how loud
we talk, how close we stand and how much eye contact we make send strong messages to
the person we are communicating with.
The way you listen, look, move and react tells the other person whether or not you care and
how well you’re listening. Non-verbal communication skills improve relationships by helping
you:



Accurately read other people, including the emotions they are feeling and unspoken
messages they are sending
Create trust and transparency in relationships by sending non-verbal signals that
match up with your words
Respond with non-verbal cues that show others you understand, notice and care
Unfortunately many people send confusing or negative non-verbal signals without even
knowing it. When this happens, both connection and trust can be lost in our relationships.
We often neglect just how important how we look and how we sound really are:
Example
Jane has come to work in a new purple top. Her colleague glances up,
smiles and warmly says “that’s a lovely top Jane; I’ve not seen you wear
anything like that before”.
Jane has come to work in a new purple top. Her colleague stares at her,
raises her eyebrows and says in a sarcastic tone “that’s a ……… ‘lovely’
top Jane; I’ve not seen you wear anything like that before”.
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Types of non-verbal communication and body language

Facial expressions: The human face is extremely expressive and is able to convey a
range of emotions without saying a word. Unlike some forms of non-verbal
communication, facial expressions are universal

Body movement and posture: The way you move and carry yourself communicates
a wealth of information to the world. For example, through your posture, bearing,
stance and subtle movements

Gestures: This includes pointing, beckoning, and the use of hands when arguing or
speaking animatedly.

Eye contact: This is an especially important type of communication. The way we look
can communicate many things, interest, affection, hostility or attraction. Eye contact is
important in maintaining the flow of conversation and for gauging the other persons
response

Touch: Think of the messages given by a firm handshake, a timid tap on the shoulder,
a warm bear hug, a reassuring pat on the back, or a controlling grip on the arm

Voice: Tone, pitch, volume and rhythm are all important communication elements.
Speech sounds provide subtle but powerful clues into our true feelings and what we
really mean. Think about how tone of voice can indicate sarcasm, anger, affection or
confidence

Space: We all need physical space, although this differs depending on culture,
situation and closeness of relationship. Physical space communicates many different
non-verbal messages, including intimacy, aggression, dominance or affection
Different cultures have different meanings for non-verbal communication. For example, the
same gesture can have a different meaning in another country and different cultures have
different views on things like acceptable eye contact or touch.
It is important to be aware that in some types of communication, there is no non-verbal
aspect. This includes emails, text messages and social networking sites. Without being able
to see or hear someone, the meaning could be lost or misinterpreted as the other person has
to put in their own inflections etc. Being clear in sending electronic communications is vital,
as is checking for clarity with the other person if it is possible that you might have
misinterpreted what they have said.
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Improving communication and assertiveness
Listening
Effective listening is an active, not passive, skill and the quality of our listening greatly affects
the process of communication.
We don’t always listen. We are often thinking about what we are going to say next, rather
than really listening to what the other person is telling us. Active listening can be very helpful
in improving communication, but it is not easy!
Key listening skills:

Look at the person speaking (non-verbal communication)

Be encouraging (say yes, hmmm, nod your head, etc.)

Be patient. Do not interrupt

Use open-ended questions; for example “How do you feel?” rather than “Do you feel
sad?”

Reflect back and summarise what the person has said (in your own words) to ensure
the other person knows you have been listening. This also allows you to check out
your understanding of what they have said

Being empathetic – try to see things from their perspective

Avoid judgement

If you are not clear on what the person is saying, ask them to rephrase it for clarity.
This may be particularly important if you cannot see their non-verbal communications
for example in an email. Most people would rather be asked than misunderstood
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Improving communication and assertiveness
Communication spoilers
There are 6 key communication spoilers that can have a negative effect on conversation:

Judging, blaming, criticising or moralising – eg. “if you hadn’t done that, this would
never have happened, it’s all your fault”

Offering solutions and solving problems rather than just listening to what the person
wants to say and offering support

Interrupting – eg. “yes, but”. Not allowing the other person to finish their point before
making your own

Name calling or put downs – eg. “you must be stupid to say something like that”

Excessive questioning, using closed questions - eg. ‘do you feel angry?’ rather than
‘how are you feeling?’ Open questions give the other person more opportunity to
share in the conversation

Defensiveness – try to be able to acknowledge the other person’s view even if you do
not agree with or share it
Healthy communication

Relationships are most healthy when both parties can openly and assertively express
themselves

You can accept that the person with whom you are speaking will never think the same
way as you. Accepting how that person is and tolerating the differences, as well as
the resulting frustration, is essential for relationships to flourish

Be aware that what you are hearing is not necessarily what the other person meant
and vice versa. For example, in a disagreement you may feel that the other person is
taking everything you say the wrong way whilst hearing everything they say as a
criticism
First Steps
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Improving communication and assertiveness
What is assertiveness?
Assertiveness is a word used to describe a certain pattern of behaviour or a style of
communicating with others. It is a way of behaving that means we are communicating our
feelings, thoughts and beliefs in an open, honest manner without violating the rights of other
people. It is an alternative to being aggressive, where we abuse other people’s rights, or to
being passive, where we abuse our own rights.
Being assertive means we are able to ask for what we want from others; we can say ‘no’ to
others requests; we can express our emotions; and we can express personal opinions
without feeling self-conscious.
Why are we unassertive?
We act in an unassertive manner because we have learned through our experiences to
behave that way. This learning process can sometimes be traced back to our early
childhood. Small babies have no fear of expressing themselves and communicating their
needs. They cry and smile openly; there is no inhibition or ‘beating about the bush’. But very
quickly, children learn to adapt their behaviour to the kind of responses they receive from
those around them. Children’s behaviour is subtly shaped by the models they are exposed
to and by the encouragement, or lack of it, received from parents, family, friends and school.
Some children are encouraged and rewarded for expressing themselves openly and honestly
and are quite comfortable expressing a range of emotions. Others may be encouraged to
express their thoughts, but find it more difficult to express emotions. We have all learned to
be the way we are; therefore we can learn to behave differently.
The advantages of assertive communication
There are many advantages of assertive communication, most notably these:

It allows us to express our thoughts and feelings in a way that does not negate the
thoughts and feelings of others

It encourages mutual respect

It can increase our feeling of self-confidence and self-belief

It helps us to get the things that we want without hurting others

It helps us to learn to compromise

It prevents us from feeling as if we are being taking advantage of
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Improving communication and assertiveness
Communication and emotions
Life situation/relationship or practical problems
Neighbour asks me at short notice to look after her two young sons.
This is really inconvenient, as I have to do the weekly shopping
Communication style
Passive
Thinking
I must say yes or she won’t like me. She’ll think I’m selfish if I say no. Her
needs are more important than mine
Feelings
Anxious, guilty
Later feel angry at myself, because
I have not got time
Physical symptoms
Go red as I’m asked to do this, feel flushed.
My heart starts beating harder and faster and my
mouth goes dry
Behaviour
Tell her to take as long as she needs
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Improving communication and assertiveness
Life situation/relationship or practical problems
Neighbour asks me at short notice to look after her two young sons.
This is really inconvenient, as I have to do the weekly shopping
Communication style
Aggressive
Thinking
I’m so sick of her asking for favours. She’s being selfish asking me to do
this when I have more important things to do
Feelings
Anger, frustration. Some relief at not having to
look after the children but later guilty and
embarrassed about my outburst
Physical symptoms
Go red as I’m asked to do this, feel flushed.
My heart starts beating harder and faster, muscles
begin to tense up and my teeth are gritted
Behaviour
Tell her I’m fed up with her asking me for help and to sort her
own problems out
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Improving communication and assertiveness
Life situation/relationship or practical problems
Neighbour asks me at short notice to look after her two young sons.
This is really inconvenient, as I have to do the weekly shopping
Communication style
Assertive
Thinking
I really don’t have time to do this today as I have to get my shopping done.
It is not unreasonable to expect a bit more notice if she needs
me to help out.
Feelings
Relieved at having resolved the situation.
Proud that I stood up for myself without getting
upset or angry. More confident for next time
Physical symptoms
Feeling slightly flushed. Take a few controlled
breaths to help relax myself before responding
Behaviour
Tell my neighbour that I cannot look after the children this
afternoon as I need to do my shopping but may be able to
help another day if I have a bit more notice
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Improving communication and assertiveness
Communication styles
I am:
OK
Not OK
Assertive
Passive
Aggressive
Passive-aggressive
OK
You
are:
Not OK
Behaviour
Passive
Aggressive
Passive-aggressive
Assertive
Definition
Failing to express
honest feelings,
thoughts and beliefs,
and consequently
allowing others to
violate your rights
Standing up for your
rights and expressing
your thoughts feelings
and beliefs in a way
which is usually
inappropriate and
violates the rights of
others
Standing up for your
rights and expressing
your thoughts, feelings
and beliefs directly,
honestly and openly in
ways that are respectful
of the rights of others
Message
communicated
My feelings, needs
and thoughts are
less important that
yours
Please understand
my needs
telepathically. Will
you still love/respect
me if I’m assertive?
To appease others
and avoid conflict at
any cost
You are praised for
being selfless;
others will protect
you or look after you
This is what I think,
want and feel. What
matters to you isn’t
important to me
I’ll get you before you
have the chance to get
me. I’m out for
number one
The expression of negative
thoughts and feelings
without being open and
honest about what those
feelings are. For example
expressing anger through
withdrawal or silence
without actually admitting
that you are angry
I’m angry/upset but I won’t
talk about how I feel or what
I need
Implied
message
Goal
Benefits
Cost
First Steps
Repressing or
bottling up anger
and frustration leads
to low self-worth
To dominate, win and
force the other person
to lose
Things tend to go your
way; you feel in
control; you are likely
to get your material
needs and objects of
desire
You may create
enemies, which can
induce fear and a
sense of paranoia.
Relationships might
also be affected
negatively
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I will manipulate you into
meeting my needs as you
won’t do so if I tell you want
I want/need
To have needs met without
having to communicate what
those needs are
You may get your needs
met while avoiding direct
confrontation
This is what I think, how I
feel and how I see the
situation. How about
you?
I won’t allow you to take
advantage of me and I
won’t attack you for
having a different opinion
To communicate clearly,
adult to adult
The more you stand up
for yourself the greater
your self-respect and
self-esteem.
Resentment is reduced
You may not always have
Can you think of any?
your needs met or
understood by others. You
may end up feeling resentful
of others while they may find
your behaviour difficult or
manipulative
Improving communication and assertiveness
Assertiveness training
This is based on the basic principle that we are all equal and possess the same basic rights.
Many people have forgotten, or have never been told, that these rights exist. The goal of
assertiveness is to stand up for your rights without violating the rights of others. To help you
get started with this, it may be useful to remind yourself that you have the right to…
1. Express your feelings
8.
Make reasonable requests of others
2. Express your opinions
9.
Set your own priorities
3. Say ‘yes’ and ‘no’ for yourself
10. Be listened to and taken seriously
4. Change your mind
11. Make mistakes and feel comfortable
about admitting them
5. Say ‘I don’t understand’ and be able to
ask for clarity
12. Be illogical in making decisions
6. Be yourself without having to act for the
benefit of others
13. Say ‘I don’t care’ and accept the
consequences of that
7. Not declare responsibility for other
people’s problems
14. Be miserable or cheerful
The important part of this is taking ownership of your actions. If you say ‘no’ for example,
what might the implications of that be? Will the benefits outweigh the cost?
Think about how much you believe each of these rules.
How much do you put them into practice in your own life at the moment?
Note that this is not about feeling comfortable with saying or hearing ‘no’. Rather, it is about
feeling comfortable with feeling uncomfortable.
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Improving communication and assertiveness
Talking yourself into being assertive
Sometimes, negative or irrational thinking creates a barrier to assertive behaviour. We need
to identify these negative thoughts, and then challenge them. Ask yourself if they are based
on irrational beliefs. Listed below are some common thoughts and styles of irrational
thinking.
1.
It is uncaring, rude and selfish to say what you want
2.
If I assert myself, I will upset the other person and ruin our relationship
3.
If I ask for what I want, the other person won’t give it to me so it’s better not to tell
them.
4.
If someone says ‘no’ to my request, it is because they don’t like me
5.
I shouldn’t have to say what I need or how I feel; people close to me should already
know
6.
I have no right to change my mind; neither has anybody else
7.
If I don’t insist on my rights others will think I am weak.
8.
If someone holds a different opinion to me, they must be in the wrong.
9.
People should keep their feelings to themselves
10. I shouldn’t say how I’m really feeling or thinking, because I don’t want to burden
others with my problems
Do any of these sound familiar? How useful have these thinking patterns been to you and
are there ways you could try to change the way you are thinking? For example:
‘It would be great if people around me knew exactly what I needed but they aren’t mind
readers so I might have to share how I’m feeling with them’
‘It can be frustrating for me when people change their minds but everyone has the right to do
that’
‘I don’t have to agree with other people’s opinions but I can respect their view and expect
that they will do the same for me’
Sometimes just changing the words we use to ourselves can have a huge impact on how we
feel and behave.
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Improving communication and assertiveness
The importance of "I" statements
Part of being assertive involves the ability to appropriately express your needs and feelings.
You can accomplish this by using "I" statements. If you start with an “I”, the focus is more on
how you are feeling and how you are affected by their behaviour rather than suggesting that
the other person’s behaviour ‘made’ you do something or feel a certain way. It also indicates
ownership of your reactions, and less blame if done in a direct and honest way. Statements
that begin with ‘I feel’ are difficult to argue with as another person cannot tell you how you
feel.
“You” message: “You need to stop that!”
“I” message: “I’d appreciate it if you’d stop that”
Here is a formula that puts it all together:
“I feel Z (your emotion e.g. upset) when you X (their behaviour e.g. shout at me) in situation
Y”,
When used with factual statements, rather than judgements or labels, this formula provides a
direct, non-attacking, more responsible way of letting people know how their behaviour
affects you. For example:
“I feel frustrated and taken for granted when you leave all the dirty washing on the floor.”
In this sentence, the focus is on your emotions rather than the other person’s character.
Compare that with the following statement:
“You’re so selfish, you always leave your dirty clothes on the floor, you don’t care about my
feelings!”
You could also add a statement about how you would like to see the situation resolved,
although you have to accept that they may not agree with your solution.
“I feel frustrated and taken for granted, when you leave all your dirty washing on the floor, I
would really appreciate it if you could put your clothes in the basket in future.”
While the other person may not agree with this, it opens the channels for communication,
and hopefully compromise as neither person is being attacked. Therefore communication is
less likely to be defensive.
Can you think of a time in the past when you’ve had an argument? How might you
construct a sentence using this method to let someone know how it makes you feel
and why you’re upset?
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Improving communication and assertiveness
Managing conflict (scripting)
How to get your point across and help people to understand how you feel
Resolving differences is not easy. When dealing with personal grievances, the following
technique might be useful:

Notice how you feel

Write down what it is that is bothering you - separate fact from feeling. Try to present
this in a constructive way and don’t directly blame or accuse. Try to focus on
behaviour and not personality as this can elicit defensiveness

Identify what you would like

Arrange a meeting

State your grievance

Listen to the other person

Discuss differences

Try to reach an agreement or compromise
Use this technique, along with the ‘I’ statements to plan and manage situations where there
may be conflict.
Think about your posture and body language during these conversations. By standing up
straighter and holding your head up while making eye contact, you will come across as being
more assertive in your communication. Using confident, assertive body language can also
have an impact on how confident you feel and can give you a confidence boost.
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Improving communication and assertiveness
Summary
Timing
Choose the right time and place. Not when you are very busy or tired
Be concise
Stick to the issues. Do not lengthily trawl through old stale issues
Try not to start
with the word
‘you’
Such as, “You just don’t understand what it’s like”, “You make me angry”,
“You don’t listen”. This elicits immediate defensiveness
Use the ‘I’ word
Using sentences with ‘I’ shows that you accept full responsibility and are
not blaming (e.g. “I feel”, not “you make me feel”)
3 part assertive
message (see
above)
Describe: your feelings; the behaviour; and the effects
Choose the right
words
Be positive. Avoid the tendency to insult, threaten or put people down.
Be honest, but tactful. It is more productive to complain about behaviour
(see above) than to criticise character
Be aware of
what you want
to say
Ensure it is based on facts, emotions and needs: “I feel bad today and
could do with some help”
Keep the other
person involved
Make your point and encourage the other person to react. Keep in touch
and listen to him or her
Make notes
Jot down the points you want to make beforehand
First Steps
“I feel annoyed when you leave your clothes on the floor, because it
makes extra work. I would appreciate it if…”
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Improving communication and assertiveness
Setting limits and saying ‘no’

When someone asks for a loan, comes round uninvited, continually expects you to
work late, parks in your space…
How comfortable are you with assertively refusing or approaching them about it?

What stops you from saying how you feel?
There are a number of reasons why people have difficulty saying no:






Saying ‘no’ is rude, aggressive, unkind, uncaring or selfish
People will be hurt if I say ‘no’ or it will upset them
If I say ‘no’, people won’t like me
Other people are more important
Saying ‘no’ is petty or small-minded
I should be able to do that
The key to refusing requests and saying ‘no’ is to be able to accept the following beliefs:



Other people have the right to ask and I have the right to decline
When you say ‘no’, you are refusing the request, not rejecting the person
When we say ‘yes’ to one thing, we are actually saying ‘no’ to something else
When people have difficulty saying ‘no’, they usually overestimate the difficulty that the
other person will have accepting the refusal. By expressing ourselves openly and
honestly, it liberates the other person to express their feelings too.
How do you feel when someone says ‘no’ to you? Do you find that you feel as if they are
rejecting you or that they must not like or respect you?
Think about what you would say to a friend if they came to you with the same situation
that you are in.
How to say ‘no’…
Practicing these techniques may be helpful:

Direct ‘no’: Say ‘no’ without apologising
o “No, thank you”.
This way is quite forceful and can be effective with salespeople or people who are
being quite pushy

Reflecting ‘no’: Reflecting back the content and feeling of the request, but adding
your assertive refusal at the end
o “I know you were looking forward to a walk this afternoon, but I can’t come”

Reasoned ‘no’: Very briefly, give your genuine reason for the refusal
o “I can’t do that for you because I’ve already arranged to do something else”
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Improving communication and assertiveness

Rain check ‘no’: Say ‘no’ to the present request, but leave room for negotiation
o “I can’t do that for you now, because I wanted to do something else, but I
will do it for you next time if you can give me a bit of notice”

Enquiring ‘no’: Not a direct ‘no’, but a request for more information or an
alternative
o “Do you need that to be done for you now or can it be done later?”

Broken record ‘no’: Repeat a simple statement of refusal over and over again if
the requester is very persistent
o “I’d like to be able to help you out, I just don’t feel I can at the moment”…
“As I said, I just don’t feel I can at the moment”… “I appreciate what you’re
saying; I just can’t help at the moment”
Another way that you could have a think about your communication style is by making some
notes using the guidelines below:
Write down a recent situation, how you managed it and the outcome
Rewrite the same situation with how you could have responded
Write what you think the outcome of this new response would be
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Improving communication and assertiveness
Exercise
Try thinking about two things that you could aim to change this week about the way that you
are thinking, for example ‘It is ok for me to tell people what I want’ or ‘I am good enough to
express my opinion’
1.
2.
Personal resolutions
Situation in which I will be more assertive
What I will have to do to be more assertive in that situation
What might stop me being assertive and how will I overcome this?
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Improving communication and assertiveness
Useful contacts
First Steps
0808 801 0325
Helpline: Monday and Wednesday 10 to 4.30pm and Thursday 11 to 5.30pm. The helpline
will be open on a Tuesday following a Bank Holiday
Email: first.steps@nhs.net
Website: www.firststeps-surrey.nhs.uk
Living Life to the Full
A self-help website offering free modules on assertiveness, as well as other topics, that you
can work through on the internet
Website: www.llttf.com
Relate
0845 456 1310
Counselling for adults with any kind of relationship difficulty
Email: enquiries@relate.org.uk
Website: www.relate.org.uk
MINDinfoLINE
0845 766 0163
Helpline: Monday to Friday, 9.15am – 5.15pm
Email: info@mind.org.uk
Website: www.mind.org.uk
Books:
Surrey County Council Libraries have a very helpful list of self-help books. You can find the
list at www.surreycc.gov.uk if you search “Reading Well”. The books are available online
and in a selection of their libraries. Or additionally, the books are available to reserve via the
Library catalogue.
Many of these libraries also have a self-checkout option, which means you can take out a
book without anyone knowing the book that you choose.
First Steps
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Improving communication and assertiveness