Emotional and Social Development in Early Adulthood
Erikson’s theory: Intimacy vs. Isolation- what does it take to make a long-term
commitment to another person? Intimacy requires that an independent person give up
some of that independence and redefine his/her identity to include the interests of
another. All of adult life is a dance of intimacy vs. independence. Then include differing
needs for connection, fears of abandonment or being overwhelmed, and it’s a challenging
work in progress. People who have achieved intimacy are cooperative, tolerant, and
accepting of differences. They can accept times of aloneness without fear of loneliness. If
there is too great a sense of isolation, there will be fears of forming close ties, due to fears
of loss of identity or freedom. These people are more competitive than cooperative, easily
threatened if another gets too close, and not accepting of another’s differences. IF there is
successful resolution of this conflict, a person can go on to develop generativity- caring
for the next generation and helping to improve society. Child-bearing usually occurs in
the 20s and 30s, while contributions to society may occur later. As children come into the
picture, values and focus will shift with those demands.
Levinson’s Seasons of Life theory developed out of in-depth interviews with 40 men
(35-45 years old) from 4 occupations. Later he interviewed 40 women in the same age
group from 3 occupational groups. He sought to find a common path of change in
adulthood. Levinson believed there were stages with tasks inherent to each one. He
believed each stage began with a transition, lasting about 5 years. Between transitions
there are periods of 5 – 7 years that are stable, during which a person builds a life
structure.
 Life structure is the underlying design of a person’s life: relationships with
significant others and occupations. This structure is designed to harmonize inner
and outer demands to enhance quality of life. When a current structure is
questioned, then a transition will ensue, leading to the next structure. Early
adulthood is the time of greatest energy, contradiction and stress. It is also a time
of intense satisfaction, as a person charts his/her own course in love, sexuality,
family, occupation, setting life goals. All these areas entail serious decisionmaking, with other people, and often without adequate life experience to make
solid decisions considering the ultimate outcome. (Maybe that’s better- to make
decisions assuming the very best, through rose-colored glasses. It’s less
inhibiting.)
 Dreams and mentors- during the early adult transition (age 17 – 22) most people
construct a dream, an image of themselves in the adult world that will guide their
decision making. The more specific the dream, the more motivating it is. Men’s
dreams often entail success in business and career. Men’s dreams are more
individualistic. If they include women, it is as supporters of their goals. Careeroriented women may have “split dreams” including both marriage and career.
Women’s dreams usually define self in terms of relationships with others. A
relationship with a mentor will facilitate realizing their dreams. This is someone
older and more experienced in the world a person wants to enter. They teach
occupational skills and encourage the person, as well as help him/her in
networking and finding opportunities. Occupationally this is easier for men than
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women. So the 20s are a time when men acquire professional skills and
credentials. Some women do this at this time, too, but many women wait until
later to dig into a career path, as many women are taking care of young children.
Age-30 transition serves as a time to reevaluate their life structure. If the person
is still single, s/he will begin looking for a partner. Women who had immersed in
marriage and child-bearing may begin to assert more individualistic goals. They
may assert themselves more forcefully in the marriage, if they feel it is
constricting their development. This period can be a real crisis if neither
relationships nor occupation is successful.
Settling down for Men means focusing on certain relationships and aspirations,
and leaving others behind. They try to establish a niche in society consistent with
their values: family, wealth, power, achievement.
Continued instability for Women occurs as women often get side-tracked from
a professional focus by child-bearing and family responsibilities. Most women
don’t attain the stability that men achieve in the early 30s until middle age.
Vaillant’s Adaptation to Life theory is based on a long-term study of 250 men born in
the 1920s. They were selected while they were students at a competitive college and they
underwent intense interviews. These interviews were repeated at ages 47, 60, & 70. He
found that relationships with significant people were important in shaping the life course.
Men spent a bit of time in the 20s developing a relationship, then they began career
consolidation in the 30s, trying to get ahead in their profession. During the 40s they
became more generative- guiding others. In their 50s and 60s they began showing
concern for the cultural values they held. They began teaching others the traditions they
felt were important to life. By their 70s they became more spiritual and reflective,
considering the end of their lives and what life really meant.
Limitations of these theories have to do with the cohort studied. It’s possible that the
patterns that defined the 20th century will not apply to the current generation, with all the
cultural changes they have witnessed. Also Levinson and Vaillant didn’t study lower SES
people, whose lives are seriously challenged by poverty and debilitating life conditions.
Blue-collar workers rarely implement an occupational dream. There is not a trajectory of
advancement clearly available to them, so they perceive maturity as arriving sooner than
for white-collar workers.
The Social clock is the age-graded expectations that we hold for life events, such a fist
job, getting married, having children, buying a house, retirement. Being seriously offtime can affect self-esteem, since even as adults we make social comparisons. Departure
from the norm can affect personality development. Women who followed a feminine
social clock (marriage and child bearing in the 20s) were more responsible, selfcontrolled, tolerant, and caring, but saw their self-esteem decline, and felt more
vulnerable as they aged. Women who followed a masculine social clock (early career
development) became more dominant, sociable, independent, and intellectually effective.
Women who had not followed a social clock were suffering from self-doubt, feelings of
incompetence, and loneliness. Today life expectations are broader for youth, and there is
not as rigid a social clock as in the past, but generally following one lends confidence and
skill-development in early adulthood.
Close relationships require finding a partner, building emotional bonds, and learning
how to engage in true intimacy with another person.
 Romantic Love entails finding a partner to share one’s life and dreams with. It
enhances self-concept and well-being.
o Selecting a mate usually means finding someone of similar background,
age, ethnicity, SES and religion, in places where people like that
congregate. It requires some physical proximity to develop a meaningful
relationship. Most partners also share attitudes, education, IQ, and
attractiveness. Other traits may be very different: gregarious vs. reserved,
routine vs. sensation-seeking. But generally we seek and are attracted to
people much like ourselves. Greater similarity leads to longer, more
satisfying relationships. Men and women do place different values on
different traits, though. Women weight intelligence, ambition, financial
security, and moral character higher than men. Men weight physical
attractiveness higher than women. Men prefer younger partners, women
prefer older partners – in general. Many of these differences have to do
with evolutionary dynamics- what will it take to reproduce and take care
of babies? Women value emotional commitment and financial security of
men higher when they are at the child-bearing stage in life. Men look for
traits of youth, fertility, sexuality, good health. Men also want to move
quicker into sexual intimacy than women do. Women need some
psychological intimacy before they become sexual with a man. Social
learning theory suggests that due to the roles we learned at an early agemen being assertive and independent, women being nurturing- then we
value in the opposite sex traits that fit a traditional division of labor. So, in
more egalitarian cultures, men value women’s financial resources as much
as women do. They place more value on caring, love, & relationship
satisfaction. Also the preferences in a partner reflect early parent-child
bonding and what felt like love in that relationship. Timing is also crucial.
o Components of love- Triangular theory of love (Sternberg) suggests
love has 3 components: intimacy, passion, and commitment. Intimacy
has to do with emotions of tenderness, warmth, concern for others, desire
for partner to reciprocate. Passion is the sexual component, as well as
romance- the physical arousal component. Commitment is the cognitive
component- how will we maintain this love?
 Passionate love is the stuff of the beginning of a relationship- the
courting, sexual attraction. It declines as the partner becomes more
known, less idealized. Few long-term relationships maintain this
level of attraction (Even Taylor and Burton burned out after 2
marriages and multiple affairs.)
 Companionate love is formed with intimacy and commitment- as
partners develop warm, trusting affection and offer caregiving.
Solid long-term relationships involve both types of love at
different stages. It requires this glue to hold a couple together as
the newness of a relationship wears off. In the first year of
marriage, partners say they are less in love and less satisfied, since
they do fewer of the things that captured their love in the first
place: talking, sweet things that show love. There was more time
spent doing chores, and less time engaged in pleasurable leisure
activities. If they survive the initial disappointment, they can
develop a comfortable, committed love environment. Commitment
determines if a relationship will survive. Communication of
commitment requires warmth, forgiveness, sensitivity, acceptance,
and respect. People may be committed, but if they don’t express it
in a meaningful way to the partner, it isn’t important. Greater
expression leads to higher-quality relationships. That includes
positive, constructive conflict resolution. When a couple can raise
issues gently, and avoid escalating into vindictiveness, along with
criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling they can
overcome bumps in the road of love. This often depends on men’s
abilities to communicate their needs and difficulties in ways that
don’t destroy the esteem of the partner.
o Culture and the experience of love- passion and love only became the
basis for marriage in 20th century Western countries. Before that, marriage
was seen as a financial partnership, with attendant responsibilities on the
families. As the emphasis on individualism and autonomy increased, love
was expanded to include marriage and lifetime commitment. Eastern
cultures actually use words for love that mean “to depend on another’s
benevolence.” Dependency is viewed positively in those countries, but in
the West it has been progressively viewed as a weakness. The Chinese
view the self in terms of role relationships, not so much as an independent
self. It is a communal environment, meaning affection is spread amongst a
variety of relationships, with no one relationship holding sway. So
choosing a partner must include the desires of the network of family. Of
the 3 aspects of love, intimacy and commitment are more important than
passion in Asia.
o Attachment patterns and romantic relationships- early attachment
patterns predict the quality of later intimate relationships. That early
attachment bond sets up an internal working model, or expectations
about love figures. It also relates to quality of parenting and attachments
formed in those relationships.
 Secure attachment- those with secure attachments to a caregiver
viewed themselves as likable, open to others, comfortable with
intimacy, with few fears of abandonment or intimacy. They
describe their love relationships as trusting, happy, and the partner
as a friend. They were willing to turn to the partner for comfort,
and they described satisfying sexual behavior.
 Avoidant attachment- those with an avoidant attachment history
(demanding, disrespectful, critical parents) had internal models
heavy on independence, mistrusting of partners, and anxious about
people getting too close. They believe others dislike them and true
love is hard to find or doesn’t last. Their relationships are
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characterized by jealousy, emotional distance, little enjoyment of
physical contact. They may become workaholics or engage in
affairs to prove their theory that love can’t be counted on.
 Resistant attachment- this includes parents who were
unpredictable or unfair. These people set up intense relationships
characterized by fears of abandonment and smothering of the
partner. They experienced extreme highs and lows in a
relationship. They have poor boundaries with others, disclosing
inappropriately to others too early in the relationship. This leaves
them vulnerable to unscrupulous people who would exploit their
neediness. They have a poor view of their own lovability.
 Characteristics of the partner also affect romantic relationships.
Those partners who feel internal security about themselves fostered
security in their partner. So a healthy relationship can help a person
from a troubled background overcome some of the deficits of their
background.
o Keeping love alive in a romantic partnership
 Make time for the relationship
 Tell your partner you love him/her.
 Be available in times of need.
 Communicate without judgment about problems
 Show an interest in important parts of the partner’s life
 Confide in the partner
 Forgive and develop empathy for the other.
Friendships are usually similar in background, age, interests, & needs. Friends
offer affirmation and acceptance, support during difficulty. Sharing deep feelings
and needs may be more open in a friendship than a marriage, especially for
women.
o Same-sex friendships are more intimate for women than men. Women
enjoy just talking, while men choose to do some activity together,
especially sports. Unfortunately men feel competitive with other men, so
they describe barriers to deep friendships with other men, in the form of
resistance to revealing any vulnerabilities or needs unmet. Longer term
male friendships do increase in self-disclosure. Single adults particularly
rely on friends for companions and confidants. When people marry,
however, they shift that role to love partner.
o Other-sex friendships occur less often and don’t last as long as same-sex
friendships. Women tend to form them in college and later in the
workplace, especially highly educated women. Men and women disclose
more to women, but women can learn important things about male
motivations & taking a more objective stance from a male friend. Most
friends try to keep the relationship platonic, knowing that sex would
compromise the friendship aspect of the relationship.
o Siblings as friends- especially sisters become companions in adulthood.
Rivalries from the past subside as sibs develop a different type of
supportive relationship. Close sib relationships predict mental health.
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Loneliness is the unhappiness that results from a difference between the
relationships we have and the ones we want. It can relate to an absence of a love
relationship or friendships. It peaks during late teens and early twenties, as people
are making major life changes and adjusting to new environments. Older adults
have experience with inconstant relationships and have lower expectations of
others than young adults. Certain life conditions lend themselves to loneliness:
separation, divorce, widowhood. Men feel lonelier than women when not in a
love relationship. Moving from a collectivist culture to an individualistic culture
can produce loneliness in immigrants. Certain characteristics relate to loneliness:
shyness, social anxiety, self-defeating behaviors, such as poor self-evaluation,
insensitivity to others, fear of self-disclosure. Loneliness can motivate people to
learn new skills, try new activities, get a dog.
The Family Life Cycle is a sequence of phases in the development of most families.
Early adulthood, people live on their own, then marry and bear children. In middle age
children leave home, parenting responsibilities diminish and people spend more time and
money on themselves if they don’t have to care for an elderly parent, finally retiring,
getting older, and loss of a spouse.
 Leaving home happens more often at earlier ages now than in the past. People
leave for school, military, and for jobs, so they leave at different ages. Youth in
chaotic and disturbing homes leave home earlier to escape the tension. Most leave
home to experience their independence, even though that may mean living with a
number of roommates to be able to afford it. If there are financial setbacks,
however, most people feel they can return home if they have to. People who are
better off, with higher-paying jobs have the freedom to live on their own before
marriage. Those in poverty or in communal ethnic groups often remain home
longer. Leaving home too early, unprepared, can result in long-term
disadvantages, lack of education, less satisfying jobs, need for social support.
 Joining of families in marriage- people are waiting longer to marry today: ages
25 (M) and 27 (W). More people remain single today, or do not remarry after a
divorce, or cohabit than in the past. Even so, 90% of people will marry at least
once. 59% of adults are married at any time. Marriage represents connection
between 2 family systems, with all the traditions and expectations inherent. Add
to that trying to establish new, egalitarian, supportive roles between the spouses,
and there is much adaptation and negotiation going on.
o Marital roles encompass meals, time together and apart, leisure time
decisions, sexual needs, financial decisions. Some of these things are not
as emotionally charged as others, but the partners rarely know which
topics are potential explosions until they face them. Without good
communication and negotiation skills, the openness of the marriage will
be compromised. “Mixed marriages” (mixed by race (6%), religion, ethnic
traditions) represent even more negotiations. Age at marriage best predicts
its stability. Those who marry early (teens, early 20s) are more likely to
divorce. These people have not established their own autonomy and
individual self-worth as people who have lived independently. They may
be escaping a bad home, too.
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Traditional marriages involve a clear division of labor between
husband and wife. Man’s responsibilities include economic
provision; woman’s responsibilities have to do with making a
home and providing for children. Many people have such a
marriage when children are young, but when children become
more independent, women take on outside jobs. Even so, it is hard
to reestablish egalitarian roles after years of such job allocation.
 Egalitarian marriages have spouses relating as equals, with
power and authority being shared. Both partners try to balance
devotion to work with family responsibilities. Better-educated
women expect this sort of marriage. Even so, division of labor in
the home may not be equal. In US and Canada, women spend
nearly twice as much time on housework as men do.
o Marital satisfaction – Men relate being happier in marriage than women.
Being married enhances men’s health, due to feelings of attachment,
belonging, social support. Women need a certain relationship quality to
feel satisfied in a relationship. So women suffer more when the
relationship is having problems. Women also suffer under multiple role
demands, feel overwhelmed by the needs of all the people in their circle.
Women are more willing to work on the relationship through discussion,
but men are more willing to withdraw from conflict, leading to frustration
in the women.
 Factors related to satisfaction
 Similar family, SES, education, religion, age
 Marriage after age 23
 Courtship of at least 6 months
 First pregnancy after at least a year of marriage
 Warm and positive relationship with extended family
 Stable marital patterns in extended family
 Secure employment, financial status
 Characteristics in partners of positive mood,
supportiveness, good conflict-resolution skills
o Marital expectations and myths –marriages that report high levels of
satisfaction are grounded in mutual respect, pleasure, comfort in the
other’s company, shared problem-solving. They are also flexible in the
face of life changes. Even since the women’s movement in the 1960s, role
expectation in marriage has not changed a lot- women play down their
abilities, sacrifice parts of themselves for the good of the marriage, and
men tend to limit their contribution to the marriage to the provider role.
Myths that are not supported by evidence:
 Satisfaction increases through the first year of marriage.
 Quality of sex is predictor of satisfaction
 If my spouse loves me, s/he should be able to anticipate my
needs and meet them.
 No matter how I behave, the spouse should just love me.
(“Love means never having to say I’m sorry” Love Story)
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If partners believe these myths they will become progressively
more disappointed and feel less satisfaction in the marriage. Those
with a religious background, seeing marriage as sacred, offer more
forgiveness, and see marriage in a more realistic light.
Unfortunately, even though counseling could help troubled
relationships early on, most people don’t avail themselves of that
avenue of help until the divisions in the couple are so wide there is
no path of reconciliation.
Partner abuse occurs in all cultures and SES. The type most often reported
involves the husband as perpetrator and wife as victim of physical assault. But
both parties are capable of abuse, and the interactions that trigger violence may be
initiated by either partner. In a large Canadian study, 8% of women and 7% of
men reported being abused physically in the past 5 years. Women are more likely
to be seriously injured by assault, however. Men are more likely to be targets of
hitting, slapping, kicking, or having objects thrown at them. Most women’s
assaults are described as self-defense after a history of abuse. But assaults are
equally likely to be begun by either party.
o Factors related to abuse include the cycle of abuse- escalation of verbal
attacks, physical attack, remorse and forgiveness. These cycles act to
cement the patterns, since both parties get reinforcement at different times.
Many abusers are insecure in the relationship, becoming overly dependent,
jealous, possessive, controlling. Minor issues can trigger bursts of anger in
the perpetrator, which he has little motivation to control, if it has gotten
him what he wanted in the past. People are notoriously able to control
anger if it would cost them something dear- a job, for example. Most
abusers grew up in homes where abuse was common and effective.
Parents behaved abusively to children or animals, and these children had
behavior disorders in childhood and teen years. Abuse of animals easily
predicts abuse of a partner. Stressful life events can be used as an excuse
for violence. Certain ethnic groups have higher rates of domestic violence:
African Americans, Native Americans, Aboriginal peoples in Canada.
These groups ascribe to cultural norms that endorse male dominance and
female submissiveness. It also relates to alcohol abuse. So why don’t
people leave a violent relationship? Often the wife is dependent financially
on the husband who abuses her. She may even think if she’s tolerating the
abuse, she’s protecting the children from abuse. She often (rightly) fears
escalation of violence if she attempts to leave. (She will be at 70X the risk
of being murdered by a partner if she does try to leave.) S/he may feel
embarrassed that others would know how bad it was and that s/he didn’t
tell anyone. Often family have already been trying to get the victim to
leave, but s/he has been defending the partner, so that avenue of help has
expired.
o Intervention and treatment include crisis hot-lines that offer counseling
and information about shelters. Like overcoming an addiction, people
often have to make multiple attempts to stay out of the relationship before
they are completely out of the dangerous relationship. There is also
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therapy available to batterers, but most men don’t go until they are
arrested and mandated legally. This therapy confronts the rigid gender
stereotypes, teaches communication, anger control, and offers social
support to motivate changes in behavior. If alcohol is also a problem, it
needs to be treated before there is much hope for long term changes. At
least half who attend perp treatment do not stay with it, opting for a new
relationship with a more compliant partner. If the partner does not choose
to leave the relationship, it requires family therapy to try to reduce
violence.
Parenthood has become an active choice for couples, as birth control is available
and effective today. There is less stigmatization for couples who remain childless.
70% of couples have children. It occurs later in life, and fewer children are born
today than in the past (1.8 per family today in the US)
o The decision to have children is based on financial circumstances,
religious values, health concerns. Women with more traditional identities
usually choose to have children. Those with high status, demanding jobs
choose less often to have children.
o Advantages of having children include warmth and affection, the fun
that children offer, learning experiences, desire to pass on values, family
name, feelings of accomplishment in raising successful children.
o Disadvantages of having children include loss of freedom, burdens
financially and in being tied down. (It is said to cost $260,000 to rear a
child from birth through college. Go home and thank your folks!) The
conflict between work responsibilities and family also is cited as a
problem.
o Transition to parenthood occurs in all areas: lost sleep, new tasks and
responsibilities, less time for the couple, increased expenses. The roles
become more traditional, even for egalitarian couples, so this can impose
frustration on the couple. Loving, supportive marriages can usually
manage the strain and will describe themselves as happy. Troubled
marriages seem to become more distressed after a baby. Husband’s
negativity or out-of-control conflict predicts a drop in mother’s
satisfaction. The greater the difference in caregiving responsibilities, the
greater the decline in marital satisfaction after childbirth. Interventions
such as group experiences with other couples can get fathers more
involved and enhance the father’s appreciation of what caregiving entails,
increasing affirmation of mother, and satisfaction.
o Additional births are choices, too, and entail similar stresses and joys. As
women have entered the workforce, however, the decision to have fewer
children has become more common. Divorce may intervene, too, before
the couple has their family complete. Smaller families link to greater
marital satisfaction and healthier children, with higher IQ and greater
school achievement.
o Families with young children don’t get a lot of social support in most
Western communities, since parenting isn’t seen as a high priority
politically. SES, personality characteristics of parents and children,
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parenting styles all influence the development of the child and the family.
Parents who forge a coparenting alliance have children who are healthier
and develop well. Finding good day care is a challenge, too. The younger
the children, the more day care costs, and it may not even be conveniently
available for working parents. More women today are choosing to stay
home with their babies when they are young.
o Families with adolescents have a different challenge, as they are forced
to revise their relationship with teens, offering greater freedom and more
responsibility, as parents back off from some supervision. Teens bond
more with peers and expand their goals in ways that parents don’t always
understand. Bickering in families increases for awhile before a new
normal routine is established.
o Parent education is more available than in the past, with courses offered
at hospitals, and numerous books published. These sources give new
parents a greater sense of confidence in their abilities, as well as social
support to reassure them when they face difficulties.
A Global perspective on family planning- in impoverished areas of the world,
birth rates are high, signifying people’s desire to pass on something to the next
generation. High birth rates plus poverty combine to increase child mortality
rates, poorer opportunities for education and jobs, restrictive life choices,
especially for women, and child labor. Without good family planning, there is
often little sense of hope for life to improve. Social blights increase, such as
overcrowding, malnutrition, homelessness, poor health. These things cycle into
more serious social problems from generation to generation. Interventions include
education and literacy programs for people, as well as family planning services.
Literacy is essential for people to access the help available to them, though.
The Diversity of adult lifestyles has expanded since the 1960s. The traditional family is
no longer the only option open to most people.
 Singlehood, not living with a partner, has increased, particularly among young
adults. In the group of 30 – 34 year olds, 30% of males and 20% of females.
are single. 8 – 10% of adults will remain single all their lives. Women are more
likely to remain single longer than men. As the population ages, men are less
available- they die at higher rates at every age, and they may no longer have the
traits that women seek in a partner- better educated, financially successful. Men
can select from more women and younger women, so they tend to partner up
more readily than women. Singles over 30 are made up of more blue collar men
and women in prestigious careers. African Americans are also highly represented,
as well as unemployed men. Some people choose single lifestyle, but others
default to singlehood as their career usurps much of their time, or they establish
unmarried relationships that don’t turn into marriage. Advantages are freedom
and flexibility, but there are drawbacks- loneliness, dating unpredictability,
limited social or sex life, feelings of exclusion from the couple world. Single
women may feel especially stressed as they pass the mid-30 mark, feeling the
biological clock running out.
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Cohabitation is a lifestyle of unmarried couples who have an intimate, sexual
relationship and share a residence. It has increased in all groups of people since
the 1960s, especially among well-educated young people. 50% of couples choose
this as an entry into marriage. Half of cohabitations involve at least one partner
who is divorced. It may be regarded as preparation for marriage, or as an
alternative to marriage. It is more common in Europe, where 70 – 90% of young
people cohabit. 50% of cohabiting couples break up in 2 years in the US (6 – 16%
in Europe). Couples who cohabit before marriage are more prone to divorce than
couples who did not cohabit. This may be because these people hold less
traditional values, are more liberal, less religious, more androgynous, or have
parents who divorced, so they feel insecure about commitment anyway.
Cohabiters are less likely to pool finances or jointly own a house. They also
exhibit poorer conflict-resolution styles, so marital satisfaction is lessened if they
do marriage. Sometimes people decide to marry when their financial status is
more secure, even if they have already had children. Without legal protection for
the union, however, there can be complications if a partner dies, especially if that
partner had children. Then blood relatives can come in and usurp resources
without regard for the live-in partner.
Childlessness occurs when a partner has fertility problems, or the couple marries
later in life. But many couples choose childlessness so they can be free to focus
on the marriage or have freedom to travel, etc. If this is truly a choice, these
couples describe contented marriage relationships. If this was a problem
physically, they may describe themselves as less content.
Divorce and remarriage- divorce rates have declined since the 1980s, as people
get married later and are clearer about what they want in a partner. Half of
American and 1/3 of Canadian marriages dissolve into divorce. It is more
common in midlife people (especially those with teenagers) as well as after 7
years of marriage. ¾ of divorced people remarry. Failure is even greater with the
second marriage- 7% above that of the first marriage rate.
o Factors related to divorce have a lot to do with conflict-resolution styles.
Unless both parties are open to hearing the other and trying to work out
compromises that respect each person’s needs, a marriage will implode.
Some dry marriages aren’t characterized by conflict, but a polite
separation and disappointment and hopelessness. Women report more
problems in a marriage than men do, but that has to do with women’s
awareness of their emotional needs. Men tend to overlook their wives’
signs of distress, or gloss over it, dismissing any significant problem. The
strongest links to divorce are: infidelity, spending money foolishly,
substance abuse, moodiness, irritability and raging jealousy. Certain
background characteristics set a couple up for failure: early marriage, no
religious involvement, previous divorce, parents who are divorced. Also as
women develop higher educational status and become independent
financially, divorce is a reasonable option to miserable coexistence.
Women are twice as likely to initiate divorce as men.
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o Consequences of divorce are serious for all involved, even extended
family. It represent a loss of dreams, lifestyle and replaces that with
greater financial hardship, parenting responsibilities, and self-doubt. Both
men and women display emotional problems, depression, anxiety. Women
may feel the loss of identity if they held a traditional identity dependent on
success in the home front. Fathers who have little contact with children
often feel adrift emotionally. They are very motivated to find a
replacement partner. Emotional problems are somewhat allayed by
reconnecting with a new partner. It is especially important for men, who
have fewer options for emotional support. Women who successfully
overcome the destabilization of divorce often feel more self-confident and
independent because of their ability to survive. Dependent women, on the
other hand, often show drops in self-esteem, become seriously depressed
and form instable relationships with poor judgment.
o Remarriage occurs usually within 4 years after divorce, men sooner than
women. All the complexities of a first marriage are compounded in a
remarriage, adding extra people and relationships and past hurts to make
people less tolerant and more suspicious. Blended families take 3 – 5 years
to establish a sense of security and comfort.
Variant styles of parenthood
o Stepparents are in a hard position, since they rarely have the authority
with the child that is necessary to manage the child. There is rarely an
attachment bond that supports a disciplinary role, and if they have no
children of their own, they may be rigid in their assessment of the other
parent’s effectiveness with the child. Problems in discipline issues can
impact the satisfaction of the couple. It is even more complex and
potentially destabilizing when both parents have children and they share a
residence (The Brady Bunch, it ain’t) Stepmothers particularly feel
discomfort, since the home role is often the woman’s prerogative, but if
they don’t have a warm relationship with stepchildren, there can be
jealousy and feelings of exclusion from the husband and his children.
Stepfathers have more freedom to just befriend the stepchildren.
o Never-married single parents parent 10% of American children (5% of
Canadian). 90% are mothers. It is becoming more common for women
with high-status jobs who haven’t married by late 30s to engage in various
means to have their own children without a partner. The largest group of
never-married parents is African-American women. 60% of births to black
mothers in their 20s are to single women. This is somewhat due to the fact
African-American men suffer more job loss, persisting unemployment. So
these women engage help from extended family to care for their babies
and find work. Children of never-married mothers without involvement of
a father achieve less in school and act out more than children in intact
families. These families need more social support and employment
opportunities to offer a stable home for children.
o Gay and lesbian parents occur usually due to previous heterosexual
marriages, or adoption or reproductive technologies. These parents are as
committed and effective as parents as heterosexual parents. Gay men hold
to less stereotyped gender roles, so they offer sensitive parenting and
greater involvement with their children. Children in gay families are just
as well-adjusted as other children.
Career development aids in establishing a satisfying identity- as adults with satisfying
work develop skills, sense their accomplishments, make friends and feel more financially
independent and secure.
 Establishing a career
o Men enter their careers earlier, as soon as they finish school, and they stay
in the marketplace continuously. Women have more discontinuous career
paths, being interrupted by family responsibilities. Not all people get into
their chosen career. Half of students say they want a professional
occupation, but only 20% actually get those jobs. People are often
disappointed by the jobs they get- those in their 20s change jobs every 2
years. Promotion often seems to depend on job commitment and
competitiveness in the worker. Very successful men emphasize their jobs
over family responsibilities and leisure activities. Also a sense of selfefficacy makes a difference in promotion. Those people with fears of
failure will tend to set lower goals for themselves. Mentoring also makes a
difference in long term success. These are found at the midlevel in the
corporate culture, since the big bosses rarely have time or interest to
mentor.
 Women and ethnic minorities are still disadvantaged in pay scale and
opportunities for advancement. Women, especially minorities pool in occupations
that offer little in promotion or pay enhancement. Women earn $.82 on the $1.00
that men earn, but that is ascribed to the difference in career aspirations and areas.
Women in female oriented workplaces move in and out of their workplace as they
have children and other family responsibilities. Women remain out of the labor
force more months over the lifespan than men do. Women in nontraditional
careers usually display more masculine qualities such as competitiveness and
achievement orientation, and expectations of success. Even so, they rarely move
to the top echelons of power in male-dominated fields. There are fewer women at
the top to mentor younger women, so males continue to dominate their chosen
fields. Racial discrimination also operates in spite of laws against it, as white
names get higher callbacks on their resumes than minority names. Ethnic minority
women face a double-bind, although those who do succeed have high selfconfidence in their abilities, intense persistence, with supportive relationships and
mentors who enabled them to succeed. Younger women who do succeed in a
career report higher levels of life satisfaction.
 Combining work and family
o Dual-career marriage are challenging, particularly for women who carry
so many role responsibilities- role overload. This links to stress, poorer
marital relationships, poorer parenting, and child behavior problems. It is
particularly a problem for people in poorer paying jobs, with fewer options
about child care, time off, etc. Career decisions are more flexible for
professional people, but moves are difficult, since both careers must be
considered. Women are particularly afflicted with overload.
o Strategies that help dual-earner couples combine work and family
 Have a plan for sharing household tasks
 Share caregiving as soon as the baby arrives
 Discuss conflicts over responsibilities
 Establish a balance between work and family
 Nurture your relationship as well as other people and
responsibilities