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Who Will Replace Simon Cowell on American Idol?
A brief look into “Idol” history shows that the program has gone through
many harsh changes on the judging panel, but what will happen when its
main attraction leaves—for good?
April 30th Issue 207, Brandon Breen
Hollywood, CA—Loved “Idol” judge, Simon Cowell announces that he will be
retiring after this season and not returning for another. Fans are in despair, Simon’s
loving nature and constructive criticism will be missed on the show, and people are
beginning to wonder, will any superstars be able to make it without the advice of Cowell?
“No dawg,” states fellow “Idol”
judge, Randy Jackson, “the show just
won’t be the same without Simon
anymore, dawg. I could hardly take it
when Paula left, and now my buddy
Simon? Dawg, I can’t stand this.”
Yes, as Jackson said, a prior “Idol”
judge, Paula Abdul, retired from the show
last year. Fans rejoiced that this judge left,
though, they thought she was a cold
hearted snake to the contestants, always
Cowell always has a smile on his face during the show.
putting them down, and never letting them
grow to their full potential. The last year Abdul spent on “Idol” a new judge was
introduced, to let viewers of the show ease into the feel of having a fourth judge, one
who, hopefully, is better than Paula.
Kara DioGuardi seemed the obvious choice for the fourth judge, as a well known
songwriter who has collaborated with musical geniuses such as the Pussycat Dolls; no
one could have been better qualified. Helping some of the shyer contestants to loosen up
their buttons and feel more comfortable on stage, she has worked wonders that Abdul
could never do on the show.
“I would like to tell Paula straight up that I am a better judge then her, and she
knows it.” DioGuardi explained in an interview. “When I was younger I always used to
think that when I grow up I wanted to be an influential woman, and I believe that’s
exactly what I am doing on “Idol”, and I am doing it in a better way than Paula ever
could.”
However, at this time Abdul could not be found to make a statement regarding her
leaving the show. The last words that she had said to the
cameras were; “I am leaving for my own good, I never want
to come back, I just want to be able to live the rest of my
life up by going to clubs to dance like there’s no tomorrow.”
As much as fans rejoiced when Abdul left the show,
they rejoiced even more when her replacement judge was
introduced; Ellen DeGeneres. DeGeneres, famous
homosexual comedian, was inspired to take to the show
after Adam Lambert, last year’s runner up, announced that
he was gay.
“When I heard of Lambert’s orientation, he really
inspired me,” DeGeneres said to the press. “If
someone of the gay community can be such a good singer and achieve so much in the
music industry, I figured I could too, so I decided to take Paula’s place as “Idol” judge.”
Abdul always frowns during the show.
DeGeneres, although having absolutely no experience with singing or the music
industry at all is still confident that she can help contestants on a show that is all about
singing and the music industry, and that she has what it takes to be a great judge.
DeGeneres also feels that she can provide comic relief for the show, to make it more
enjoyable after Abdul’s years of demise.
With DeGeneres replacing Abdul, fans begin to question if another comedian will
come in to fill Cowell’s spot. One fan was interviewed and he said: “I hope that it’s
Adam Sandler. He’s funny, and with his performance in The Wedding Singer he shows
that he can belt it and dominate in music.”
But even with this fan’s prediction, Hollywood is empty with clues on who will
replace Cowell. Fans across the country will have to wait in anticipation until next year,
when the new judge will be unveiled. As for me, I hope it’s Miley Cyrus.
President Admits to Redneck He Was Not Born in U.S.
April 30th Issue 207, Brandon Breen
Washington, D.C.—Today President Obama publicly admitted that he was not
born in this country and therefore has to step down from the presidency. The birth
certificate that he provided to the citizens of this country earlier was a fake, he confesses.
A redneck from Alabama was able to get Obama to admit this by following his intuition,
he says; “As a descendent of a confederate general, I knew someone of this race couldn’t
possibly be a real citizen of the U.S.” Obama also confessed to the public that he is a
Muslim. None of this shocked the redneck who says that he happy that this “communist,
socialist pig” won’t be governing his country anymore.
Teen Statistics (In Thousands)
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90
80
70
60
50
40
30
20
10
0
Pregnant
Teens
Teens on
Drugs
Teens
Attending
Church
1970s
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