Personal Idol
Written by Dan Eubanks
Ryan: Thanks for joining us on Personal Idol. Our judges have scoured the country to
find out who might just have the best personal idol. Let’s take a look at some of the
auditions.
Simon: Alight send him in.
Computer Nerd: (Walks in smiling, holding a lap top)
Randy: What’s up Dawg?!
Paula: Okay, give us your name, where you’re from, and what your personal idol is.
Computer Nerd: Yes, um, my name is Herbie Galowkawitz and I am from Silicon
Valley, California.
Paula: And what Idol are you going to show us today?
Computer Nerd: Well this is my new powerbook. I just love computers and this baby
rocks. I can program in cobal, html, and 4 other computer languages. Usually if I’m not
on a computer, I’m thinking about one.
Simon: Hmm. Why don’t you go program yourself a life. Next.
Paula: Simon…what do you have against computers.
Computer nerd walks out looking sad; text messenger walks in looking at phone. Never
acknowledging the judges.
Randy: What’s up Dawg?!
There is no response. Text messenger is still texting.
Randy: I said what’s up Dawg?!
Simon: Is this guy deaf?
Randy: Jewel, let me see your phone. (Jewel hands him her phone, Randy starts to type
in a message speaking it out as he types it up). Whaaaaaaaaaaaats Uuuuuuuuuuuup
Daaaaaaaaawg. (Send).
Text Messenger: (Suddenly looking up) Oh hey. When did yall get here?
The judges look at each other puzzled.
Jewel: Okay, give us your name, where you’re from, and what your personal idol is.
Text Messenger: My name is Rebecca Stanton and I am from L.A. Baby (Flashes the
Devil Sign and sticks out tongue, rocking head).
Jewel: And your Idol?
Text Messenger: This is my new Chocolate Tootsie Roll Blow Pop from Verizon. Last
month I had sent over 12,000 text messages. In fact I am so good, I can text with my
eyes closed. I also can text over 400 words a minutes even with T9 Predictive text off.
Simon: What ever. Get out of here.
Text Messenger: Huh? (Looking puzzled and confused)
Simon: Randy, let me see that phone. (Simon types in slowly speaking out loud)
Gooooooooood byyyyyyyyyyyyyyye noooooooooooooow leeeeeaaaaaaaave theeeeeeee
Roooooooooom. (Looks up at contestant) Can you hear me know?
Paula: Send in the next one.
Athlete walks in.
Randy: What’s up Dawg?!
Athlete: (Comes in dribbling ball. Stops, then looks down at 3x5 card and starts reading
it very choppy like before even being asked a question.) My name is Bubba Walker. I
am from Greenbow, Alabama. I have been all state champ three years in a row, for every
sport I have been a part of. I run track, I play center on the basketball team, and I am also
the star quarterback at my school. (pauses and looks up smiling real big) Someday I am
gonna play for either the Memphis Grizzlies or the Tennessee Titans, I just know it!
That’s why I practice seven days a week. (Dribbles ball between legs…then shoots ball
towards Simon, Simon catches ball).
Simon: Hmmmmmm. How bout you go out for an assist.
Athlete: Okay.
Simon: All right….you’ll need to go long. Back up….a little farther….a little
farther…..keep going…..that’s right. (Athlete backs out of the room, once out Simon
throws the ball at her out the door.) Next!
Guy and Girl: (Walks in with girl on arm.) Yo what’s up Dawg?
Randy: (Shaking head in approval of girl) Daaaaaaaaaaawgs!
Jewel: So what’s your name, where you from, and what is your idol.
Guy: Yo, like my name is Fonzarellie McMann, I am from Queens, and this is my
girlfriend…..ain’t she hot?!
Randy: Dawg! (Shaking head up and down.)
Guy: We’re always together. Some people joke that we must be conjoined twins, but I
say hey, that’s kind of gross man…especially since I’m shagging her.
Paula and Jewel: (Looks of disgust) Uuuuuug….get out of here!
Simon: Send in the last contestant.
Parker: (Comes in smiling, looking normal). Hey guys!
Randy: What’s up Dawg?!
Paula: Hey! So what’s your name, phone number…and are you over 18? (Everyone
looks at Paula in disgust.)
Jewel: Don’t listen to her. What’s your name, and where you from?
Parker: My name is Parker Smith, I am from Collierville, Tennessee. And I will be
singing a song that I wrote called, “Don’t get Mad Get Prayin”. (Starts singing
immediately) Oooooooh, when you wanna hit em in the face…..oooooooohh…you
Simon: Wait a minute. Stop singing, Clay Aiken. What’s you idol, dummy.
Parker: Huh?
Simon: What’s your idol.
Parker: I thought I was supposed to sing a song so I could be the next American Idol.
Paula: No honey, this show is called Personal Idol. What’s your personal Idol?
Me…maybe?
Parker: The bible says not to put anything before God, or make an idol unto yourself. I
don’t have a personal idol that I know of, and if I did, I most certainly wouldn’t be proud
of it.
Randy: Dawg, I think he might have something there.
Simon, Paula, Jewel: Shut up Randy.