“Rubbers” by John Cessna
Int. class room. There’s a desk and a chalkboard.
John enters, sits on the desk, and talks directly to the camera.
JOHN
So the other day I was at the store buying groceries
(cut to John walking through the store with a cart)
since I literally ate the last food in my apartment last
night.
(cut back to John on desk)
6 meatballs and some cheese microwaved in a bowl is not
that delicious.
(cut back to cart)
After buying some food and some pants, I headed over to
the hygiene section to get vitamins. Something in me
decided I should buy condoms for the first time. Have I
ever needed one? No. Will I need one in the immediate
future? Not likely. Something in my head just said, "ya
know, now is the time."
(John at desk)
...most awkward experience of my life.
(close up of John looking nervous)
There are too many damn condom choices.
(close up of Trojans)
Do I go with the name-brand? They're expensive.
(close up of Off Brand)
But do I risk it with an off-brand?
(close up of her pleasure)
I can't get "her pleasure" because that means I suck in
the sack and am
(John looking nervous)
hoping the condom is gonna give me that extra boost of
confidence I need which makes her say,
(John at desk)
"wow, you don't even have to pay me for the full 5
minutes!"
(close up of Ultra Thin)
Ultra-thin?
(John at desk)
What the hell.
(close up of Spermicidal)
Spermicidal?
(John at desk)
I thought it was a rule never to put anything ending in
"icide" in your body.
(John looking nervous and then looking around nervously)
So by now I'm freaking out about choices and what each
choice means and I realize I've been staring at the
condom section for 5 minutes, which is way too long and
everyone probably knows it's my first time buying
condoms.
(John at desk)
This is only compounded by the fact that it's 2 o'clock in
the afternoon on a Wednesday. You know who shops on 2
o'clock in the afternoon on a Wednesday?
(shot of some other person with a cart talking to themselves)
Schizophrenics and the entire sexy-sorority population of
Purdue University.
(shot of John grabbing the condoms, throwing them in his cart
and walking out of frame)
So at this point I just grab the least intimidating package
and make my way to the checkout line.
(John walking down the aisle of checkouts)
I want a guy checker, hopefully one of the mentally
handicapped guys that the federal government requires
the super-stores to hire. Why? Because he won't know
what they are.
(John at desk)
Wee Balloons!
(John still walking down the aisle of checkouts)
No luck. All women, and not a down-syndrome amongst
the bunch...bitches.
(John at desk)
So I find the most apathetic and young check out lady
there is, because I don't want to hear any damn stories
about how in the 20s they had to use melted down clown
noses for condoms because it was the depression.
(shot of items going down that little track thing)
At this point I hide the condoms amongst food. Pringles,
orange juice, anti-baby-makers, fruit-cups, a pair of
pleated slacks.
(shot of card going through the machine)
After my clever game of hide the rubbers, I swipe my card
through, not even caring how much it all costs.
(John at desk)
The frozen pizza I had bought was now dough because I
spent so damn long looking for condoms.
(John runs to his car with bags of stuff)
I run to the car, throw my shit in the
(quick shot of a car door shutting)
back and drive
(shot of tires driving away)
off.
(John looking at the receipt as he drives)
Checking my receipt, the only question that remained is
where do I hide my " med device...$5.98" when my
Grandma visits?
(John at desk)
The whole experience was traumatic and I am comforted
by the fact that they come 12 to a pack, so if I get some
once a year I will not have to repeat this purchase until
I'm 32 years old.
(after a moment, he gets up, and walks out of the shot)