The Therapy of extramarital Affair Crisis in Long-Term Midlife Marriages ©
Noga Rubinstein-Nabarro, Ph.D. & Sara Ivanir Ph.D.
THE THERAPY OF EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIR
CRISIS IN LONG-TERM, MIDLIFE MARRIAGES ©*
NOGA (RUBINSTEIN) NABARRO Ph.D. & SARA IVANIR Ph.D.**
:‫*מאמר זה מופיע כפרק בספר "זוגות במשבר" בעריכת מאוריציו אנדולפי‬
Terapia delle coppie di mezza eta in crisi per una relazione extraconiugale
(1999) (p. 177 – 225) La crisi della coppia – una prospettiva sistemico-relazione
Maurizio Andolfi (ed) Milano: Raffaello Cortina Editore
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1
The Therapy of extramarital Affair Crisis in Long-Term Midlife Marriages ©
Noga Rubinstein-Nabarro, Ph.D. & Sara Ivanir Ph.D.
THE THERAPY OF EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIR CRISIS IN
LONG-TERM, MIDLIFE MARRIAGES ©
NOGA (RUBINSTEIN) NABARRO Ph.D. & SARA IVANIR Ph.D.
INTRODUCTION
There probably isn't a Family or Marital Therapist who has not encountered in the
course of his or her work the devastating emotional and relational jolt that follows
the discovery or disclosure of an extramarital affair. Finding out that a spouse is
having an affair often completely throws off the emotional center of gravity of the
people involved and hurls them into a maelstrom of thoughts, feelings and
behaviors. The blow may be so overwhelming as to drown those involved under
its weight.
There is no "typical" case of a couple in extramarital affair crises. Affairs assume
a wide variety of forms and are conducted in many creative ways. The meanings
attached to them and the motivations for having them are many and varied, as
are the circumstances of discovery and the resulting effects. The spouses' values
and attitudes toward the affair are often idiosyncratic. Their fluctuating behaviors
are strongly colored by factors such as the stage they are in, in their life cycle
and in their marriage, their individual and couple-systemic dynamics, their value
system and the social-cultural context in which the affair takes place.
Crises following the discovery of extramarital affairs are commonly described by
the people involved as "crazy times", with the partners perceiving themselves or
the other as behaving insanely or irrationally and being "out of their minds". The
individuals involved in the crisis may be seen as "foreign", "a stranger" or "not
him/herself", with the spouse who is having the affair (from here-on the "involved
spouse") often perceived as having come under the influence of his or her lover
to behave in a previously unimaginable (and usually negative) manner.
The abrupt, chaotic, sometimes extreme changes in the behaviors, feelings and
circumstances of the couple may confuse and perplex the novice therapist
Examples of these include: expressions - often puzzling to the onlooker - of
intense jealousy and a sense of betrayal among couples who have long despised
one another and deplored any physical or other intimate contact. Similarly,
sudden stormy expressions of love may surprise those involved and change
previous plans to leave the home. Conversely, a loss of perspective and
responsibility may lead to desire or action to harm the other party in ways, which
would previously have seemed unfathomable. Some show extreme rage when
they find that their spouse conducts an extramarital affair, despite of the fact that
they themselves are having or have had one or more affairs, or have been
waiting for their spouse to do so in order to escape a long unwanted but binding
marriage. In some instances, spouses who have sworn that they will dissolve the
marriage if their partner has an affair turn out to be unwilling to do so once
confronted with the fact. Spouses, who assert that their marriages are more
important than any affair, discover that they are willing to leave their home and
family because of one. Some become involved in a "one-night-stand" that ends
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The Therapy of extramarital Affair Crisis in Long-Term Midlife Marriages ©
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up lasting for years, finding themselves torn between two partners, and
occasionally two families. Others are certain that they have finally discovered
"the perfect relationship", for which they are willing to abandon their marriage,
only to become severely disillusioned, flooded with anxiety and filled with
longings to return home.
Amidst all this chaos it is nevertheless possible, when there are basic feelings of
affection and the marital relationship is sufficiently satisfying and stable in its
main aspects, for the crisis to be utilized as a lever for an improved and deeper
intimacy and the development of supporting relationship patterns.
The present chapter focuses on our therapeutic work, with long-term midlife
marriage partners experiencing acute crisis precipitated by the discovery of an
extramarital romantic-sexual affair. The discussion is confined to the therapeutic
work during the crisis phase only and to those couples whose initially expressed
motivation in the rehabilitation of their marriages. Readers interested in cases
beginning in divorce initiation as well, are referred to the work of Iwanir & Ayal
(1991), Brown (1992), and Moultrap (1990).
Several authors have successfully addressed the widespread phenomenon of
extramarital affairs (Moultrup, 1990, Brown, 1991, Pittman, 1995). These works
provide comprehensive coverage of the theoretical and therapeutic issues, both
individual and systemic, related to affairs and their precursors.). A thorough
review and discussion of the extensive research that has been conducted
regarding the extramarital affairs and related issues is unfortunately beyond the
scope of the present chapter.
For the purposes of this discussion, we define the crisis period as beginning with
the discovery or disclosure of the affair, although major stress symptoms may
already appear during the pre-discovery period. The crisis period in therapy ends
when the major stress symptoms subside, the system has stabilized and a
definite choice has been made about the direction of marriage and the therapy.
At this point, therapeutic sessions progress from concern with issues directly
related to the extramarital affair to a more in-depth treatment of general
relationship and familial issues (which are beyond the scope of the present
chapter). The length of this period is idiosyncratic to the people involved and the
general nature of the couple's relationship. In our experience, however, if therapy
takes place immediately following the break of the crisis, this period usually lasts
between four to six months.
A crisis during the midlife period of long-term marriages is often more severe
and, if not treated correctly, may pose greater danger to the survival of the
marriage than crises during other periods of the marriage. First, spouses who
may have been prepared to sacrifice their own happiness for the sake of their
children become less willing to do so once the children have grown up, and they
are more inclined to value personal fulfillment. Secondly, extra marital affair
during the midlife period poses a severe threat to the emotional state of the
individual, particularly the "betrayed" spouse, due to the sensitive issues that
surface during this time, such as sexual self esteem, self worth and existential
fears of the future. These include the threat that in the event of separation it will
be impossible to find another partner (particular concern of midlife women) and
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The Therapy of extramarital Affair Crisis in Long-Term Midlife Marriages ©
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fear of losing the family. This is even more so in cases of childless marriages
where the strong bond between the spouses, rather than children, is what held
them together.
We find this group of clients to be particularly motivated to enter into a thorough
therapeutic process. There is a heightened demand for honesty, integrity and
depth in the relationship. Many couples refuse to continue to settle for "white lies"
or a "double life" in order to preserve the stability of the marriage and to allow life
to continue peacefully and with less conflicts. The couple is more open to and
interested in an improvement in the quality of their life and their relationship
(McGoldrich & Carter, 1988), rather than focusing on career development and
child rearing,
In the ensuing discussion, we begin with the ingredients that constitute a fertile
ground for the blossoming of extramarital involvement in these marriages. We
then continue to describe the course of the crisis phase and the five stages of
therapy along this course. In the description of each stage, we focus on the major
themes and interventions, which we conceive as characteristic in our therapy.
We have chosen to use the term "involved spouse" for the spouse who is directly
involved in the extramarital affair and the "betrayed" spouse for the other. We
have added the quotation marks to connote that this is the most common feeling
of the other spouse and emphasize the understanding that at times the affair is a
result of a conscious or unconscious collusion of both spouses.
THE FERTILE GROUND OF EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIR
What could make a long-term marriage a particularly fertile ground for the
blossoming of extramarital affairs? What makes marital partners particularly likely
to either initiate or consent to an extramarital affair during this stage?
The mid-life stage is a lengthy and complicated period in the life cycle of the
couple. The spouses reach this stage after a lengthy socialization into the belief
that it is primarily marriage and family that make life meaningful (Ahrons &
Rodgers, 1987). However, it is during this stage that the need to refocus, review
and often re-establish the marital arrangement becomes highlighted (McCullough
& Rutenberg 1988, p. 289). Spouses usually begin to strive to or acquire more
freedom to explore their personal needs and they begin to examine their "marital
contract" from a new vantagepoint. Issues such as dependence/independence,
autonomy within the relationship, and opportunities for self-fulfillment need to be
opened for re-negotiation. The spouses, each of whom is dealing with personal
transitions, re-evaluations, dilemmas and fears typical of this period, while
looking ahead to older age, become increasingly aware of their need for intimacy,
affection, love and support for their self-esteem.
Midlife long-term marriage partners having an extramarital affair crisis often
surprise their cohorts since their marriages seem solid and satisfying in many
ways. However, upon closer inspection, they often prove to be handicapped with
regard to the satisfaction of an important emotional need, which may have been
well-compensated for in the past but has become more acute due to the mid-life
factors described previously.
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The Therapy of extramarital Affair Crisis in Long-Term Midlife Marriages ©
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The following are the more prevalent marital patterns contributing to the fertile
ground of extramarital affairs. It is beyond the scope of this chapter to articulate
the details of the individual's patterns and dynamics. The reader is referred to
Moultrup (1990), Brown (1991) and Pittman (1995). Since the following patterns
are often related, a couple may show several of them at the time of crisis.
Intimacy avoidance resulting in emotional detachment:
The following description is illustrative:
"Each of us lived in his own world and our paths didn't cross much. We could
have continued living this way for many more years, just meeting for half an hour
a day, talking only when necessary, and spending a few hours together at the
weekend, usually with family or friends. We never shared much about what we
were doing, our thoughts or our feelings. We seldom went to bed at the same
time. She always took her papers to bed and worked on them at night, and I
prepared work schedules for the company."
The avoidance of intimacy may be a "shared project" of both partners from the
beginning of the relationship, or it may develop over the years as a way of
avoiding frustrations about the inability to share intimate personal feelings and
dilemmas.
At some point in the relationship, these marital partners unconsciously or
consciously decide not to be intimately involved in one another's emotional life
inside or outside of the home. One or both may cease to be curious or really
interested in the world of the other. Over time, a certain kind of emotional
detachment and "relational blindness" may develop, combined with the former
feeling of comfort and trust, that is not really tested and may no longer be
appropriate. This detachment creates a situation where facts are heard and
known at some cognitive level, without them penetrating to the emotionalperceptual level or being placed in the proper relational-emotional context. The
cessation of being excitement or curious about one another, results in an
absence of opportunities for new sexual and other emotional revelations and
experiences and creates a craving for new adventures.
Conflict avoidance leading to the creation secrets:
These couples maintain the stability of the relationship primarily by "not seeing
and not knowing". The apparent "peace" and stability of the relationship allows
for a sense of comfort and a kind of friendship and trust, which has no solid base
in reality. Neither of them can be truly aware of "hidden extensions that one might
have behind his back" (Rubinstein-Nabarro, 1996).
Some of these spouses view their marital partner as an inseparable part of their
own identity and existence, making any conflict or discontent that could threaten
the relationship intolerable. Conflictual needs are hidden or resolved outside of
the marriage. The relationship is kept rigidly stable, becoming an "as if"
relationship, often based on pretense rather than on the mutual satisfaction of
real needs. In this kind of marriage, taking a lover is one way to challenge or
shake up a rigid marital relationship.
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The Therapy of extramarital Affair Crisis in Long-Term Midlife Marriages ©
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Years of open, unresolved conflicts:
The pressure to resolve issues within the relationship leaves many personal and
relational needs unsatisfied, leading to cumulative frustration and bitterness and
a need to search for solutions outside the relationship.
Years of unsatisfactory or absent sex and /or physical affection:
One or both spouses exhibiting this pattern avoid (or have given up) dealing with
the problem in any effective and open way. The problems most often mentioned
are lack of passion and/or desire and attraction, sexual dysfunction such as
impotence and chronic premature ejaculation, inhibiting or inhibited sexual
behavior, lack of sexual sensitivity, chronic use of sex as a power tactic, as well
as long-standing difficulty (usually of one of the spouses) with the physical
expression of love and affection.
Chronic Dissatisfaction with the Power-Balance in the Relationship:
Rubinstein-Nabarro (1996), maintains that many couples come in a state of a
stalemated imbalance of power (in the sense of influence or ability to get needs
met) involving one or more important issues. The stalemate is kept because each
spouse feels unable to make a move (toward a more harmonious balance), or,
they do not know that they can make a move, or which move to make or, how
and when. What often stops them is the fear of additional pain, and the fear of
losing personal or interpersonal power. They do not see the healing potential of
their "moving". Most couples try to reach a state of equilibrium in their
relationship by way of perfect symmetry (equivalence or identity of power, roles,
values, feelings, thoughts, behaviors, etc.). Using the Seesaw analogy as a
multidimensional metaphor. In a state of stalemated imbalance, the partner who
is "up in the air" must use an "extension" on his/her side, either by lengthening
the pole of the Seesaw or by adding weight, so that he/she can gain more power
to be lowered until equilibrium is reached. Taking a lover may serve as such
lengthening extension, and threats of separation or divorce as added "weight".
Taking a lover, however, may prove to be an extension which is too "long" or too
"heavy". For example the wife who takes a lover in an attempt to make her
apathetic husband a "little" jealous may find that it totally incapacitated him with
jealousy that almost did, or did in fact, cost her the marriage.
On the other hand, the affair, being a hidden extension, cannot possibly achieve
its goal unless it becomes visible; i.e. is discovered or revealed.
Preserving the myth of the "ideal marriage and family":
Often, the spouses involved are considered "ideal couples". They do many things
together, they "look good" in public, and appear to enjoy very friendly relations; in
fact, they have developed sophisticated mechanisms for covering up the "holes"
in the relationship. The marriage may be held together by belief in family rather
than by strong emotional bonds between the spouses'. "Issues are dealt with by
attempting to make the marriage, the partner and the self fit the desired image of
Family" (Brown, 1991, p. 143). Neither spouse knows how to build an intimate
relationship or even what it could be like. The emphasis is on what should be
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The Therapy of extramarital Affair Crisis in Long-Term Midlife Marriages ©
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done and feelings are put aside. It seems more important that the marriage seem
"good" than that it be good. However, this kind of life is too stifling for everyone's
development. When the conditions are ripe, an extramarital affair helps in
breaking the facade.
Personal changes or transitions:
In addition to the above other more immediate factors may play a role, such as:
significant personal changes or transitions. In these cases the psychologicalemotional make up of one or both of the spouses, or the structure and dynamics
of the couple system is seriously challenged or "shaken-up", without the proper
capability or tools to withstand the pressures or to accommodate the changes
being available. Examples of transitions such as these may be a late birth of a
child or grandchild; a sudden major success or failure; the change to a much
more demanding or prestigious job or - conversely - to a less valued one; the
death of a parent, a child or some other significant other; some other stressful life
event, like a serious disease in the family (or of the partner), the contracting of a
serious handicap or the discovery of homosexuality in one of the children. During
these transitions a much greater need and demand for emotional, physical and/or
sexual support is experienced, although some spouses react in the opposite way,
requiring - consciously or unconsciously - some emotional distancing from the
other spouse or the family as a whole. An extramarital affair may supply both
needs (Moultrup, 1990).
Challenges to the Previous Value System:
A 38-year old married woman has advanced professionally, and in her new job
finds herself surrounded by handsome, intelligent men who, besides valuing her
mind, also find her sexually desirable, something she has never felt in her own
marriage. This transition creates a favorable change in her self-perception and
esteem as a woman, accompanied by a change in her value system. She begins
to feel that "life is short and I deserve to enjoy my sexuality". My faithfulness
appears unjust and old-fashioned. Exposure to challenges like these may
happen through new social-psychological encounters, such as following
immigration or emigration, or through participation in large psycho-educational
groups or other intensive encounters providing a sense of intimacy with others
over a short and intensive period.
Challenges to the Marital and/or Family Structure:
An example may be a situation where a wife starts to earn considerably more
money than her husband, or when her new position demands her increasing
absence from home so that she is unable to carry out her former duties, thus
altering the division of roles and perhaps creating a hierarchical change and
unbalancing the power-relationship. Similarly, when the husband's job requires
long period of absences from home, leaving the wife feeling that she has "no
partner" to share her life with.
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The Therapy of extramarital Affair Crisis in Long-Term Midlife Marriages ©
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THE THERAPY
Our approach to extramarital affair crisis therapy in long-term midlife marriages
rests on four basic assumptions:
1. An extramarital affair is a multilevel experience and a truly systemic event
necessitating a systemic approach. Inherent in the definition and pursuit of the
extramarital affair is the ongoing triangular relationship (wife, husband, lover/s),
with all the accompanying systemic implications. Directly or indirectly, an
extramarital affair strongly affects (and is affected by) the relationship structure,
as well as the dynamics and pragmatics of the couple and the immediate family
system, the extended and/or intergenerational system, and the more distant
social or work systems. Continuous engagement in a secretive relationship
inevitably creates distancing patterns between the involved spouse and the rest
of the family, while directly affecting the behavioral and communication patterns
within the family and the balance of power in the couple's relationship. All this
becomes even more complicated in cases where a member of the immediate or
extended family or a family friend is an active or passive "partner to the secret",
or when colleagues at work who know both spouses are aware of the affair (for
example, when the affair takes place at work).
To treat the extramarital affair as an individual or unidimensional event, or even
just as a couple's event, would be greatly limiting and even unethical to the point
of inviting potential disaster. This will be evident in the examples given later.
2. The therapy of an extramarital affair crisis must be an integrated therapy. The
systemic approach must integrate an understanding of the systemic context with
a developmental framework that takes into consideration the life cycle of the
individual and the family, as well as the individuals' multi-generational issues and
dynamics (Moultrup 1990). The structure of therapy may include couple
sessions, individual sessions and family sessions, as well as occasionally
sessions to which members of the extended system are invited. An exploratory
approach is necessary for the different facets of the extramarital affair and its
meaning to the individual and the marriage to be exposed and the event to be
transformed into an opportunity for mutual development. To allow for
improvisation according to the situation at hand, the therapist must have a wide
variety of techniques at his or her disposal.
3. Extramarital affair crisis could become a developmental opportunity. We see
the extramarital affair crisis as a potentially important opportunity for both
spouses to become involved in each others' emotional worlds and to rebuild the
marital relationship in a way that will allow them both to develop and have their
needs met.
4. Awareness of therapist's position is essential. We believe that a nonjudgmental attitude toward the affair itself is crucial for a multilevel understanding
of it, as well as for the success of the therapy, particularly in the treatment of the
present population. By this we do not mean remaining "neutral" in the face of
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The Therapy of extramarital Affair Crisis in Long-Term Midlife Marriages ©
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bluntly destructive or irresponsible behaviors which may accompany the affair or
its being kept secret. The therapist must be aware of his/her own values and
needs as well as how his/her own life experiences with this issue influence the
approach and method taken in therapy. This awareness is particularly important
in preventing pre-mature suggestions and /or directions (such as directly or
indirectly suggesting separation or the involvement of others).
Issues of Commitment and Choice
Issues of commitment and choice
We think of commitment and choice as major issues in extramarital affair crisis
therapy thus meriting their own section before we move on to discuss the course
of the therapy.
In our experience, therapeutic treatment of these issues during the crisis phase is
crucial to the success of the therapy. If the therapist is not sufficiently cautious or
aware of this she may be tempted by one or both of the spouses to bring these
issues to a premature closure or, conversely, leave them festering for too long.
Such behavior may hinder the effectiveness of the therapy or even obstruct it.
This is particularly true when the spouses wish to continue their marriage rather
than to separate or divorce.
Issues of choice and commitment in an extramarital affair crisis can be intricate
due to the inevitable entanglement of and confusion between the various levels
of choice and commitment. In addition, working with these issues may evoke
strong reactions in therapists, relating to their own personal values and life
experiences.
We distinguish between several levels of choice and commitment which must be
differentiated and clarified in therapy during the crisis phase before the couple
can effectively move on to the next phase - that of seriously looking into their
relationship and making the necessary changes for its continued development.
Indeed, we recommend that any promises made during the crisis phase which do
not correspond to the spouses' current level of choice and commitment be taken
with a grain of salt or even be challenged.
The first commitment the couple must make is that of taking responsibility for
their actions and a willingness to be accountable for and acknowledge the effect
that these actions have had, have and will have on their spouse or others in the
familial or social network. It is imperative this commitment be made as close to
the start of therapy as possible. Both partners must be willing and able to clearly
draw the line regarding how much harm (emotional or otherwise) they might be
willing to inflict on one another. This is crucial during the crisis phase and may
require sacrifices on the part of the spouse. For example, if a husband swears,
even when faced with concrete evidence, that he no longer meets with his lover
and labels his wife's suspicions "paranoid", he should know that he is behaving in
a "crazy-making" manner and examine the extent to which he is willing to make a
commitment to take responsibility for his actions and be truthful. Such a
commitment may require sacrifices, such as stop meeting the lover or, if he
chooses to continue the affair, replacing the seeming convenience of lies with a
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The Therapy of extramarital Affair Crisis in Long-Term Midlife Marriages ©
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more truthful and responsible form of interaction. The wife may need to
"sacrifice" her wish to express her pain by inappropriate and/or destructive forms
of revenge, in order to create an atmosphere enabling the confrontation of
immediately important issues. Both may have to commit themselves not to
unnecessarily involve others or not to triangulate the children. Both must mutually
commit themselves to avoid taking unilateral steps such as filing for divorce, or
involving the children.
This commitment to responsibility is essential for the creation of some sense of
stability and rudimentary trust, and to help reduce the amount of stress involved
in the crisis. In this the therapist assists by means of direct and indirect
statements and questions, which lead the clients to examine their actions,
explore possible meanings and predict future effects.
The transition from the announcement of the decision and/or commitment to
discontinue the affair and/or "return home", to the commitment to invest in the
marriage and relationship is not an automatic one, although one or both of the
spouses often like to pretend (sometimes unconsciously) that it is. The enormous
amount of stress, the pain and confusion, their search for comfort and stability
and fear of tackling major issues and thus further rocking the boat may cause
one or both of the spouses to push for premature closure at this stage. This
creates a sense of pseudo-togetherness, which then becomes a source of
ambivalence in the therapy, resulting in confusing and incongruent messages,
such as "We are together, but I can't promise that it will never happen again". A
common mistake is to confuse the expressions of intense positive emotions by
the "betrayed" spouse for true choice and a higher level commitment (see
Euphoria-Dysphoria section below). In fact, if the therapist participates in the
push toward premature closure, the result may be intensely ambivalent behavior
that might lead to a separation crisis or another affair.
Four levels of choice, with four corresponding levels of commitment
In our therapy we distinguish between four levels of choice, with four
corresponding levels of commitment. When appropriate, this distinction is made
clear to the couple. It is important to stress that the following applies to both
spouses, even though during the crisis phase it is more common for the involved
spouse to be considered the main focus. The commitment of the uninvolved
spouse should by no means be taken for granted. The four levels of choicecommitment are:
1.
Choosing the intact family versus going with the lover: This is often the
case at the start of the crisis. The involved partner agrees to "stay home" or
"return home". However, this does not necessarily mean that he or she is giving
up his or her lover, i.e. chooses unequivocally to discontinue the affair, both
practically and emotionally. The involved partner may choose to come back for
any number of reasons. As one wife admitted:
"I realized that I don't want to break up the family at this stage...I don't want to
hurt the kids. I want to keep the family together. Besides I am very scared to be
alone."
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The Therapy of extramarital Affair Crisis in Long-Term Midlife Marriages ©
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In other words, she opted for her family, rather than for the marriage or the
marital partner. This is a very rudimentary level of choice and commitment. If the
spouse/s remain at this level, and major issues of the relationship remain
unresolved, it is extremely likely that the affair will be renewed or followed by
another once the crisis stage has passed.
2.
Choosing the marriage as opposed to choosing the lover: At this level, the
involved partner has made a decision or commitment in favor of the marriage and
acknowledges being willing to give up his or her lover. This, however, is not yet a
commitment to the marital relationship. An example of this level is a partner who
says: "When I look around I realize that this is the best option for me and I
shouldn't give it up. I am willing to give up this affair if it is necessary to keep the
marriage, and make the best of it. Perhaps love isn't so important."
At this level, too, the likelihood that the extramarital affair will continue or restart
increases as soon as the level of frustration and/or disappointment in the
relationship rises.
3.
Choosing the marital relationship. At this level, each partner recognizes
that their basic marital relationship has many good qualities and that neither
wants to lose what it has to offer them. These qualities may include friendship,
episodes of closeness, successful parenthood, common interests, episodes of
fun and basic affection or love. At this level, spouses are usually willing to commit
themselves to couple therapy in the hope that it will help them acquire what they
feel is missing (for instance, intimacy, passion and self worth). Often, at this level,
although there is no active affair, the involved partner still needs to keep in touch
with his or her ex-lover, at least in his mind, to leave the door open in the event
that the goals of therapy are not achieved. There is a still higher level of
commitment to be reached.
4.
Choosing the spouse in his or her own right. It is at this level that a true
and complete commitment to the relationship, the marital partner and the therapy
is made. The partners are now ready to do what it takes in therapy and achieve
true intimacy at home. The involved partner recognizes that it is essential, rather
than merely desirable, that he or she completely excises the extramarital
relationship. Realizing the emotional harm this might cause, he or she becomes
truly willing to sacrifice the secretive relationship and keep the promise not again
to engage in one. This is accompanied by a commitment to utilize therapy to
discover more effective weights and extensions in the relationship (RubinsteinNabarro, 1996).
This fourth level of commitment is rarely reached in the crisis phase, although the
first building blocks for its construction may be fashioned there.
Throughout the therapy we take the position that commitment is a relational
dynamic, motivated by a will to reciprocity, to give and take, and that it can be
grasped only through testing, rather than through a monologic belief or stance
(Krasner, 1995, p.26). We like Krasner's (1995) definition of a committed
relationship as one that "exists between the poles of truth and trust" (p. 25).
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THE COURSE OF THE THERAPY
There are three main tasks that we set to accomplish during the crisis phase:
1)
To reduce the acute stress symptoms and stabilize the system;
2)
To utilize the crisis as a lever to further personal and couple development
(through dealing with issues immediately relevant to the affair and the "fertile
ground issues"
3)
To help the couple reaches clarity about their level of choice and
commitment to the marriage and to each other based on realistic
expectations.
Once these goals are reached and relevant relationship and family issues take
more importance than issues directly related to the affair, the crisis phase is over.
The course of therapy follows the natural course of events as presented by the
experiences and needs of the couple as well as the therapeutic plan or strategy
we employ. The five stages of therapy are continuous and may overlap.
As with any personal or relationship crisis and/or trauma there are numerous
elements with which the therapy must deal. Attending to each one will require a
much more detailed work. We have chosen to focus only on the major themes
that we consider uniquely relevant to the extramarital affair crisis.
Throughout the crisis phase the therapist carefully monitors and regulates the
emotional and interactional processes in order to prevent the development of a
post-traumatic reaction. She sees to it that the channels of communication
remain open, collaborates on developing alternative ways of relating and ensures
motivation to stay with the process beyond the initial reduction of stress.
During the crisis phase itself we often opt to work in co-therapy. This ensures
that we do not fall into the traps that this phase often sets for the therapist as well
as that we are able to be more responsive to all the needs of the individuals
involved. We also allow two hours for the first few sessions and at least one and
half-hours for the subsequent sessions.
THE FIRST STAGE: THE ACUTE CRISIS AND SETTING THE STAGE FOR
THERAPY.
The first few sessions deal with the initial acute crisis with the aim of reducing the
turmoil and stress reactions, and to establish some sense of control and create a
safe place for the necessary exploration prior to further therapeutic work. The
major themes in this phase revolve around the circumstances of the discovery,
the patterns of behavior following the discovery, handling symptoms of stress,
and an analysis of the pre-discovery period. The following monologue by a client
clearly expresses most of the issues that will come up during the first stage:
"How does one re-establish confidence and security once they are destroyed?
Until this happened, trust and security were the anchors of our mutual life.... The
best thing that existed in both our lives. I never had doubts, even though we were
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very liberal. It happened 'right under my nose' without me having the slightest
idea that their long-standing friendship would end up in bed. When she told me I
thought I'd go out of my mind. When we married I said that if she ever had an
affair I would leave home. When it happened I told our 15-year old daughter, and
she said 'our home was so good, so pleasant and so quiet that I was always
afraid something would happen".
"I feel terribly hurt by the one-sided solution she has found for herself. She found
a solution that will solve only her part of the problem, whatever it is. I feel
enraged when we talk about what caused her be unfaithful. She only remembers
one discussion we had some five years ago, when she told me that I didn't satisfy
her in bed and that I wasn't affectionate enough with her. But she admitted I was
a good husband. Her solution, by finding herself an answer outside, was
destructive and it could have led to a divorce. She should have taken that into
account! Is sex and affection sufficient reason to endanger everything good you
having? Why didn't she suggest that we go to counseling before she took such a
drastic step?
The pain, the humiliation are so great, I sometimes feel like breaking things, like
going out of my mind with anger. I can now see how she gradually distanced
herself from me. I thought, well, she is at that age - hormones and all that - so
she isn't so interested. I didn't want to ask too much and I stopped trying. I can't
stop thinking about 'them' and 'how they did it'. It is always there. What was the
nature of their friendship during all that time? She said she could talk to him for
hours. That he was prepared to listen to her stories. I now understand why her
behavior during this period was so strange and nasty. Even now that she has
said it's over. Was the separation from him so difficult? I cannot shake it off. I
can't tell anybody, I am too ashamed. So I have nobody to talk to, so it erupts in
frequent bouts of anger. Sometimes I cry...I can't really function. I do my utmost
to control myself but I have to know all the details. It hurts me when she tells me
and it hurt when she doesn't. Who promises that she won't do it again, once she
has broken the barriers of morality and faithfulness? I am not sure I want to live
with it! I don't want to be the second best and I don't want to go to bed with her
thinking that she has been with another man!"
The Circumstances of Discovery
Ample space should be allowed in therapy for the exploration of the
circumstances of the discovery or disclosure of the affair, and the behaviors that
followed. Not only have these contributed to the intensity of the crisis, but also
they may have important implications for the therapeutic intervention.
There are many ways in which an extramarital may become explicit. The involved
partner may himself disclose the affair, or it may come to light accidentally or
after a period of suspicion and investigation.
Certain particularly traumatic circumstances may further complicate the therapy
in this first stage, for instance when a wife unexpectedly returned home to find
her husband with his lover in her own bed. The experience of betrayal, invasion
and humiliation was catastrophic for her. She felt emotionally rapped, and for a
considerable time she was unable to sleep in her bed (where the emotional rape
has taken place) or even enter her bedroom. Switching bedrooms and furniture
would not only have raised suspicions with their children, from whom the affair
was kept secret, but also created financial difficulties. Much therapeutic effort
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was needed for her to be able to reclaim her room, so as not to disrupt the entire
family's life.
Another particularly difficult situation is one where one of the children (usually an
adolescent or grown-up) is directly or indirectly involved in the discovery or
disclosure, as in the case of the man who, entirely unknown to his family, for 12
years carried on a love affair with his secretary. As the years passed he felt
increasingly stuck between his marriage and the other woman, yet unable to
resolve his conflict and take a decision. He unconscious brought the situation to
a head by offering his newly- married 24-yr. old daughter a job at his office something he had never done before. She soon discovered the affair and, feeling
"betrayed" by her father, responded with rage and disappointment. She revealed
the matter to her mother, whose immediate reaction was to inform her friends
and family and threaten a divorce. The daughter, who by now felt extremely guilty
over the exposure of the affair and the threat of divorce, became so completely
preoccupied with her parent's crisis as to fall into a depression and lose interest
in her own husband, causing her own marriage to become threatened. Her
reactions and involvement further intensified her parent's marital crisis,
obstructing the spouse's ability to effectively deal with the issues at hand. Thus
the extramarital relationship turned into a complex and traumatic family affair with
a greatly prolonged crisis stage, which necessitated intensive family therapy in
various formats.
In some cases the "betrayed" spouse discovers that friends and/or colleagues
and/or extended family members knew about the affair and, either directly or
indirectly, cooperated in hiding it. In such cases the feelings of betrayal and
humiliation are greatly intensified and also come to include the observers. The
resulting feelings may be so unbearable that the "betrayed" spouse disengages
or even cuts him/herself off from most or all social and /or familial relationship,
thus losing potential sources of support. "I don't want to see anyone because I
don't know who collaborated and how, and what they have been told or what they
think." In this case it may be useful to include a close friend in an individual
session with the spouse.
It is of considerable importance to inquire whether another therapy is taking
place. This is crucial when the decision to disclose is linked with the
announcement of a wish for divorce. Often this decision (as we shall see in the
case of Hanna and David) has ripened in the strictly individual therapy of the
involved spouse. A not uncommon situation is represented by the following
example: A 53-yr. old man, who has enjoyed a stable marriage for 30 years, has
a passionate affair with a younger woman. He goes to a psychiatrist who after a
few sessions tells him that his marriage is obviously over and advises him to start
a new and authentic life. He encourages the man not to drag-it-out, but to
confront his wife and avoid unnecessary discussions and explanations. In
general, as soon as a good alliance is established we insist that the therapy be
centered in one place for it to be effective.
Next is the introduction of the case of Hanna and David. We will use the course
of their therapy to illustrate and discuss the handling of major issues during the
therapeutic stages.
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The Case of Hanna and David
Hanna and David are both 52 years old. David is managing director of a large
company and Hanna is a lawyer. Both have had extremely successful careers.
Although married for 28 years, they have been "together" since high school. They
have three children, only the youngest of which is still at home. Hanna called in
an acute state of distress, asking for couple therapy, saying that she and her
husband, David, are in a crisis due to her discovery of his long-standing and
recently more impetuous extramarital affair. David has told her he wants a
divorce, but he is willing to come to therapy. However, before the first session
took place, David had already changed his mind, telling Hanna that he wanted to
come back home. At the start of the first session the couple relate the
circumstances of the disclosure of the affair.
The whole family went for a weekend in a resort to celebrate the couple's
wedding anniversary. The atmosphere was good and they all enjoyed
themselves and had fun. Back at home, Hanna asked David about some land
they planned on buying. David answered " I decided to leave home". Hanna
relayed: "I was stunned but I held myself together. I took a deep breath and
asked him if he has somebody...an affair...he said: " yes, I have had someone
and I want us to get divorced, I feel I need to revive and refresh my life and build
a new family". I said I need to understand more deeply what happened to David.
The children don't know a thing."
As they talked some more at home David disclosed that he knew his lover for
about a year but only during the last few months their relationship developed into
a "full sexual affair". The "other" woman is younger than Hanna and unknown to
her, but refused to say more in order not to hurt Hanna. Hanna reacted with
tremendous anxiety, stopped eating and lost weight, was unable to sleep and
unable to stop thinking about it. A few days later David said that he has thought
about it and that he takes back his decision. He wants to stay home. He shared
that it was the psychiatrist he was seeing in the last few weeks that "pushed me
to the conclusion that the right thing for me to do is to separate and I deserve to
begin a new life".
Both describe their early marital relationship as excellent. They met at a young
age and their friendship turned into passionate love affair: "Hanna was the love of
my life; I would have pursued her till the ends of the earth", says David and
Hanna said the same. Hanna tells that their friends considered them an ideal
couple. They liked traveling together; they loved going to the movies and to
social functions. They seldom fight. In later years both of them became very
preoccupied with their careers.
Hanna reports that recently David had seemed extremely tense and confused.
Since she attributed the tension to pressures at work she recommended that he
see a psychiatrist to relax. Summing up her feelings: "
I have been mourning about the loss of my naivete and blind trust. I never in my
life thought something like that could happen to me. Our relationship was so
wonderful and trustful".
This statement was to become a major theme to work with in the therapy.
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The Pre-Discovery Period
Soon after exploring the circumstances in which the affair was discovered or
disclosed there usually ensues a conversation relating to the conscious and
unconscious behaviors of both spouses while the affair was secretive, and the
signs that have been ignored move into view.
Three patterns of pre-discovery behavior exert most influence on the intensity of
the crisis:

The first pattern is one of denial and/or "not seeing". This pattern is
most likely to take place in couples who avoid intimacy and/or conflict while
having what they consider "a good friendship". The uninvolved spouse seems
to develop a specific mechanism of denial, i.e. the facts and hints are there,
but they fail to register. It is as if they pass through a semi-unconscious sieve,
so that their meaning is not fully acknowledged. There is the myth of "I know
everything about her and I trust her, and a certain taking for granted".
Nevertheless, as we shall see in the case of Hanna and David, the spouse does
respond on an unconscious, emotional level in a seemingly inappropriate or
incomprehensible and confusing way. She/he may become mildly depressed, or
uptight and anxious, overly demanding and/or uncertain, etc. These reactions are
incorrect interpreted by both spouses. Not uncommon is to attribute the woman's
reactions to menopausal stress and the male's to pressures at work.

A second pattern is the one where the uninvolved spouse has a strong
suspicion but chooses to believe the involved spouse's denial, assurances
and "good behavior" rather than his/her own feelings.

The third pattern is one where a strong - intuitive or factually based suspicion is expressed in the face of the behavior and/or lies of the involved
spouse. Emotional reactions are not acknowledged and the involved spouse
vehemently denies any involvement. Often the involved spouse shifts the guilt
onto the non-involved spouse. In extreme cases a "crazy making" process
take place in which the involved spouse, using denial in the face of some
solid evidence, labels the other as "paranoid" and otherwise problematic,
causing severe stress reactions in the uninvolved spouse. The greater the
intensity and elaboration of the denial and /or of the "crazy making" process,
the stronger the traumatic reaction will be once the full extent of the affair is
revealed, even though this may be accompanied by a great sense of relief of
not being "crazy". In our experience it is extremely difficult to restore a sense
of trust in this pattern. The reactions to the trauma may continue to
reverberate for many years. Many of these couples eventually divorce.
Looking into the behavioral patterns during the pre-discovery period may provide
the betrayed spouse with a better perspective and allow some repairing of the
self-esteem:
"I was not crazy or paranoid. Now I understand why all of a sudden he didn't
want me anymore. I was beginning to feel unsexy and I was blaming myself. "
Here is how Hanna described her and David's pre-discovery period:
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H:
He was the love of my life...we had complete faith in each other. I was
certain that in the morning he went to work and that he would come back home
to his family in the evening, and that this was everything in his life.
Th:
You took it for granted.
H:
Last year, and in particular during the past few months, David was
nervous and absent-minded, but I though that this was because of tensions at
work. We talked a lot about it, but he didn't tell me that there was someone else
in his life. He complained that I didn't look after myself and that I was putting on
weight [Hanna is quite thin]. I had the feeling that I was unable to come up to his
standards. As part of his complaints against me before the "explosion" he said
that I always went to bed at seven or eight o'clock at night, so that we could
never go anywhere. Everyone who knows me, realizes that the facts are the
exact opposite, and that it is me who always wants to go out, and David who
wants to stay at home. Still it is true that I haven't been very cooperative with
David recently. I think that I tried to avoid him and this suited both of us.... He
didn't want to see me and I didn't want to see him, and so we didn't meet. But
what you could see externally was that I went to bed early. That was against my
true nature, and for some reason I didn't stop to ask myself what was happening.
And all this time I was blaming myself that I didn't give him enough and that it
was my fault.
Th:
And what do you understand now?
H:
On hindsight, and when I think of it now, I realize that it was simply a
depressive reaction...I felt many things but I didn't pay much attention to it and I
didn't ask myself why.
Th:
What else did you notice that is clearer to you now?
H:
Whenever there was an important event or a party at work he always told
me at the last moment, and then if as a result I couldn't go, he would complain.
Maybe there is some connection between that and the affair... It was very
convenient for him when I didn't come, and maybe that was why he told me at
the last moment. Afterwards he would come up with all kinds of stories, but I
never questioned them.
D:
(admiringly) Could be.
H:
(with irony) And I still believe him when he tells me something.
Issues related to the pre-discovery period will come up repeatedly as memories
return and greater perspective is reached, as well as while working on what we
call the "fertile ground" issues in therapy.
Exploring Post-Discovery Behavior
A careful exploration of what was done by both partners immediately following
the discovery further helps to recognize the contributing factors to the intensity of
the crisis, as well as predicting and preempting ineffective or damaging behaviors
and possible difficulties in therapy. Jealousy, obsessive thoughts and
suspiciousness, depression, crying, inability to sleep, temporary eating disorders,
and even impulsive acts of either self-destruction or other-destruction in extreme
cases may be seen in the "betrayed" spouse. These inevitably lead to systemic
viscous cycles of actions and reactions that need to be dealt with (Moultrup,
1990; Brown, 1991).
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Some "betrayed" spouses, in search of support or obtaining loyalty or revenge,
immediately involve members of the extended family or friends. Although
sometimes very helpful, such "well meaning" advice often only exacerbates the
situation, frequently leading to hasty or impulsive actions. In some sad cases the
family and friends may boycott all interaction with the involved partner. Some
may feel so torn between the spouses as to decide to disconnect from both,
while others get over-involved as go-between. Whichever the case, this too may
play a considerable role in the course of the therapy.
Commonly, the "betrayed" spouses expects - and needs - a great deal of support
from the involved spouse, who often is unable or unwilling to give it because
she/he is too preoccupied with their own stress. The next excerpt is typical:
H:
I asked him "How long exactly has this been going on", and he answered:
"Why is this important? I told you I finished with it. I am not seeing her anymore
and that ought to be enough for you". When I insisted he said to me: "It is none of
your business for how long or with whom. It was just a short story and its over.
You're being paranoid about it". I stay home after work and she doesn't even call
me Every time I call I hear about how bad he feels and I don't know what to do
anymore.
"To Know or not to know"
At this stage the dilemma of both spouses whether to know-or-not to know, to
divulge or not to divulge information about the affair, is so pervasive that it
deserves special consideration. Our goal is always to move from strictly receiving
information about the details of the affair, to utilizing the momentum and
expanding the need to know to the relationship and to each other, rather than to
remain on the cathartic level. Effective work with this issue will quickly reduce the
stress symptoms and lead to fruitful therapeutic collaboration.
Upon the discovery of the extramarital affair, the spouse who feels "betrayed" as if 'the rug was pulled from underneath him/her' - must as an act of survival do
things to regain his sense of balance and control. The immediate expression of
this need is an obsessive, yet normative, desire to know exactly what happened who is the "other" and what is he/she like, how long, where and when have
things been happening, and whether the affair is in effect continuing, physically
and/or "in the mind", etc.
Coupled with the intense need to know there may be a great ambivalence about
knowing. Knowing also means confronting oneself, his/her own limitations and
the spouse's "potentialities" that failed to receive full expression in the
relationship. The covers come off and "a spotlight" is turned on many of the
relationship aspects. In some cases the insistence on knowing also shatters old
"privacy" patterns that were previously used to avoid intimacy. Often the involved
spouses are very reluctant to divulge the desired information. They are ashamed,
or fear the reactions of the other, they want to protect the privacy of the affair, or
refuse to have it derided by the uninvolved spouse. At times issues of power and
control are involved as well.
We persistently explain that what seems to be an obsessive need for details is
typical and normative, because it is needed for healing the injured feelings and
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confidence, and for regaining a sense of clarity and control in both partners. It is
also needed because it expresses the need of the non-involved spouse to really
get to know the "real" partner, born out of a curiosity - perhaps for the first time about his inner world, his subjective feelings, needs and wishes, and what really
happened in his life. Information merely for the sake of knowing is valueless, and
may even be harmful, unless it enables us to stop and think about the quality and
style of the relationship and takes us further into fertile ground issues. Finally, we
suggest that there is a sense of relief accompanying the end of the need to hide
or lie.
The therapist must assure the involved partner that he/she will be protected from
abuse once the appropriate information is shared, and that both spouses will
listen carefully to the reality of each other. A common mistake is to underestimate
the stress of the involved spouse, particularly if the extra-marital relationship was
an "sweeping" love affair, and he/she is seriously distressed about the loss.
Since couples initiate therapy with a view to rehabilitation it is important to frame
the affair for the couple as an "attempted solution" (Watzlawick et. al., 1994,
Brown, 1991) - though inefficient in the long run - to some important problem of
the individual and the couple, perhaps as a way of impelling some important
development for the individual or the marriage. We emphasize that we do not find
many cases where an affair was initiated out of malice, unless the marriage was
already characterized by a great deal hostility and vengeance. However, we do
agree that the behaviors of the involved spouse often looks malicious and selfish
or insensitive. We assure the couple that these aspects, as well as the
motivations for keeping the affair a secret, will be dealt with in therapy.
Often we encounter an attitude where the marital partner is taken for granted: "I
know him/her so well....". A spouse assumes that ideas and knowledge about the
other subsumed many years ago, are still the truths today. This belief must
change to include an ongoing interactive "knowing":
H:
I always know what he feels and what is going on inside him. This is not
his normal self.
Th:
I don't think so... you don't always know. You didn't know him during the
last two years. I wonder how David feels when you oversimplify knowing him so
much.
The following is a part of a transcript of the last part of the first session
with Hanna and David about Hanna's incessant need to know, and her
ambivalence about knowing:
Th:
(to Hanna) It is not simple to make a conscious choice between the wish
to know and the wish not to know. What is your decision?
H:
I don't want to know. Its' hurtful and insulting. I always trusted him.
Th:
This is your opportunity to find out whether you are interested in blind
faith or in critical faith. Blind faith is based on idealism, whereas critical faith is
based on an evaluation of reality.
H:
Well, I do want to know. Knowledge enable me to be more in control.
Th:
Is your wish to know based on desire for control, or on a sense of
curiosity about your husband?
H:
Actually both play a role.
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The clarification of the two types of "wanting to know" is important. Both are valid
and legitimate. The spouses have to be aware and identify the source of the
questions and to be straightforward. The therapist supports both spouses and
encourages them to take an interest in each other by asking questions that will
deepen their knowledge about each other.
Th:
(to Hanna) I understand your dilemma. On the one hand, your need to
have a clear knowledge has a special meaning for you now. On the other hand,
when David gives you unclear answers or hides things from you, you become
worried. But, you don't want to speak about it, because you don't want to play the
role of the nagging wife.
H:
I am afraid that it will have the opposite effect.
Th:
Would you like David to be sensitive to your worries?
H:
No, he does not have to think about it all the time. He has enough.
Th:
(smiling) So you want him to be sensitive to something you are busy
telling him not to be too sensitive about!
(To David): What do you think, David?
D:
It will take time until she calms herself.
Th:
You don't have to be "politically correct". Can you share with us what it
does mean for you, with your specific "make-up" and need for privacy, to be
questioned? How difficult is it going to be for you to deal with it? Please give it
some serious thought.
D:
It is a great transition for me, I am not used speaking about myself. I do
not even remember the sequences of events.
Th:
What would help?
D:
It will help if Hanna won't approach me like a "police investigator" or a
"detective", but like a friend. I think she knows how to do that.
Setting the Stage for 'Fertile Ground' Issues
The dilemma of knowing or not knowing commonly serves as a convenient
entrance to a clarification of certain "fertile ground" issues. As the session
progressed, Hanna and David related how around the age of 35 they gradually
began to grow apart. Both started to be more and more involved with their
respective areas of work, and their sexual relations became less and less
satisfactory. However, neither was prepared to confront these experiences.
David felt that his wife failed to appreciate him and neglected him, whereas
Hanna realized that he no longer involved her in his decisions. Their reaction was
one of increasing avoidance: avoidance of conflicts and avoidance of each other,
as well as avoidance of mutual closeness and intimacy.
Following is an excerpt from this part of the discussion:
D:
The truth is that already fourteen years ago I felt that if things continued
this way, where each of us continued to be busy with his own affairs, things might
go wrong. I wanted another child, and then Orion was born; I called him "the
glue". (He is thirteen and terribly dependent.)
Th:
Did you already then have the feeling that your marriage needed gluing?
D:
I was afraid that as the years went by we would grow apart and we would
lose contact.
Th:
a defense mechanism against temptation?
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H:
That's indeed possible.
Th:
(to David) So what happened?
D:
I had no choice but to find other outlets here and there, but I always liked
to go back home. But my last contact was different - also because of my age.
The relationship continued for a year, and the final three months it was very
intensive.
Th:
We will take a closer look at your sexual relationship in the next sessions.
Therapeutic Agreement
In clarifying the initial goals of therapy it is important to go beyond dealing with
the initial stress. This broadens the perspective and gives hope.
Th:
(to David) What would you expect to happen here with us?
D:
To try together to arrive at an understanding and find a solution. Hanna is
more open now to talking and experimenting. I like that very much, and I would
like it to continue.
Th:
(summarizing) Your long-standing relationship is both your strength and
your weakness. Your strength because you rely on each other and you are good
friends; your weakness, because it has stagnated for a long time. You have
managed to create separateness and individuality, but you need to learn to
establish intimacy within your separateness.
D:
You're right. We have prevented each other from maturing.
Th:
Well, the fact that you left no room for conflict and avoided differences of
opinion prevented either of you from changing.
SECOND STAGE: EUPHORIA-DYSPHORIA
This stage is characterized by vacillation between a state of euphoria and
Dysphoria. During the initial weeks following the discovery many couples
experience a brief period of euphoria in their relationship and their state of mind.
We may see a great deal of excitement and renewed sexual attraction, resulting
in sudden stormy and even adventurous love-making and a wish to be together,
much like falling in love again. Couples going through this stage take pleasure in
exchanging intimate and previously unknown experiences from their past. This
creates a liberating feeling and produces a sense of closeness.
We understand this phase to be a result of a keen desire to reduce the anxiety
inherent in the crisis and to balance the danger of a potential loss. The
"betrayed" spouse engages in direct or indirect courting behavior in order to
return the love and attraction of the other. The potential loss also brings into
focus many of the positive qualities of the other and the good and/or romantic
memories of the past. These are resources that a therapist would want to
capitalize on.
Our couple, Hanna and David, clearly demonstrated this phenomenon in their
second session. They entered laughing continuously, their panic of the previous
session being replaced by an exaggerated and nervous gaiety, as shown by the
following excerpt:
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D:
We are talking right through the night. Our sexual relationship is intense,
like it has never been
H:
We don't sleep at night, and we just let our emotions go. I can't remember
ever to have been so impulsive. (David smilingly agrees)
H:
It's wonderful, because everything is now open.
The couple continues relating how they are mutually revealing secrets from the
past. David has confided to Hanna that he has had several flings with other
women in the course of the years, although all of these - as opposed to this
recent affair - were purely sexual in nature rather than emotional. Hanna has
revealed that she, too, had a very short affair some 20 years ago. It is as if they
suddenly can "disclose it all".
Couples in this state of euphoria are as yet unaware of the emotional impact of
their mutual revelations. Rather, their newfound openness and turbulent sexual
feelings intoxicate them. This kind of closeness is really a pseudo-intimacy, since
neither partner has as yet reached the emotional readiness and sense of true
mutual trust needed to assimilate the revealed information and to transform it into
the more nourishing elements of intimacy. What we witness is a process of selfexposure, involving the mutual discharge of awkward truths and confessions
about inappropriate behavior, rather than a process of self-disclosure, which has
to do with the process of understanding how each, became secretive in the
relationship, or the revelation of the real motives for their suppressed feelings
(Waring 1990). Self-exposure often produces distance, while self-disclosure
produces closeness.
The therapist should take care not to fall into the trap of pseudo-intimacy and
avoid encouraging more self-exposure. At the same time he/she should not
underestimate the feelings of euphoria, as this would raise the couple's res.
Instead, we utilize this stage to empower the relationship. Together we explore
the discoveries, harnessing the new experiences in order to challenge old modes
of interaction, including the sexual interaction, and enriching the couple's
repertory.
The following is the continuation of the previous transcript:
Th:
What happens to you that is different from the past; what do you feel has
been opened up?
H:
I am discovering my passion for him. I am discovering that I can do things
that I refused before because I thought they would disgust me, and I find that I
can enjoy it.
D:
For the first time I can just lie there and accept what Hanna gives.
Th:
(to David) What allowed you to be like that?
D:
I felt her attraction, and more important, I felt that for the first time she
was really concentrating on me rather than thinking about other things.
H:
He is right. I was really there.
If only the euphoric period could continue forever! However, it does not last very
long. Soon feelings of dysphoria impose themselves. Certain details of the recent
self-exposures sink in and create emotional havoc. Both spouses also realize
that the seeds of discontent in the marriage did not start with the affair, but much
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before. It is as if "morning has broken", putting all things in a clearer and sharper
light. The partners begin to be more acutely aware of the insidious effects of the
process of denial, distancing and fear, and the cumulative frustrations and
increasing hidden or apparent tensions that have developed between them
through the years. They also begin to understand how they blocked, or failed to
develop, effective ways of resolving problems or developing intimacy. This
process of realization is mutually dotted with issues of imparting blame,
avoidance of personal responsibility, and guilt.
Parallel to this, issues of ambivalence and commitment begin to emerge. The
"betrayed" partner notices that the involved spouse feels a longing for the exlover and what she/he symbolized, which makes tackling the issue of
commitment even more urgent. The rudimentary level of commitment during the
first stage ("I came back home") is no longer enough.
Hanna and David started the fourth session in a somewhat depressed mood.
Hanna had started to digest David's self-exposure and his activities during the
preceding years. She was getting angry!
H:
It has created a very high degree of intimacy...but apparently David felt
such a sense of closeness, that once the floodgates were opened he allowed
himself to tell everything. He told me that during a holiday a few months ago
when he traveled to Spain for a sports competition, he took his girlfriend with him.
I became terribly angry - he was so surprised!
David, too, had become preoccupied with Hanna's long-past brief affair. He was
giving out highly ambivalent and confusing signals, symptomatic of his feelings of
loss on the one hand, and a sense of safety of his marriage on the other. Hanna
reacted with increasing anxiety.
The following transcript covers our attempt to assist the couple in making sense
of David's contradictory and seemingly irrational messages. We helped to
validate and legitimatize his temporary state of ambivalence, while at the same
time challenging him and insisting on clarity:
H:
(tense) This week I 'phoned his direct line in the office and the telephone
was busy. Afterwards I asked him to whom he was talking. He answered: "To
her." So I told him: "Put down that telephone!" and he answered in the rudest
possible way: "Don't you tell me what I should do!" Later that night the telephone
was again busy. I felt that I was coming unstuck and I said to him: "You promised
me you wouldn't talk to her anymore." And he answered: "She 'phoned me."
Then I really fell apart. Afterwards I went out with a few friends to calm down. I
was so confused that I ran through a red light. Later that night I told David that I
had no more strength to fight him. He embraced me and said: "All she wanted to
tell me was that she had found a new boyfriend." Afterwards he couldn't sleep
the whole night. Because of her, not because of me.
Th:
(to David) Is Hanna right when she says that you are still in two minds
about your girlfriend?
D:
I don't like to break my contacts with people in such an abrupt manner. I
prefer to remain on friendly terms with people.
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H:
(to David) You refuse to talk about it with me and it makes me feel
insecure.
D:
(to Hanna) I don't think it is important for you to know everything about me
in too much intimate detail.
Th:
What is it that scares you?
D:
Because I don't like revealing my emotions.
Th:
Emotions about what?
D:
Maybe if we started talking about it, I might come to the conclusion that I
really belonged with her (the girlfriend).
Th:
(to David) That means that you still haven't really finished with her.
H:
I know that. I'm lie next to him at night being sorry for him and his
suffering.
D:
I don't think that it is necessary to involve Hanna in my dilemmas.
Th:
It surely is important for every person to have his or her own privacy. But
privacy doesn't mean that it is forbidden to look into things. Not to examine things
as a matter of principle is like going around with your eyes closed or planting
flowers with your hands tied behind your back. You are at present in a reevaluation phase. You have decided to examine whether it would be worth your
while not to be here. But deciding whether it is worth your while to let everything
go this is only the first phase. Immediately afterwards follows phase two: to
decide whether you want to be together. ...if you want to live together - and if so,
how. This choice is by no means automatic. You would like to choose both: have
your cake and eat it, but then as you see, you keep on running into conflicts.
D:
I didn't come here to examine whether I want to be here or not. I stayed
because I wanted to be here!
Th:
Would you be prepared to consider whether this an unequivocal kind of
answer could be a sign of fear, in case you might once again go "out"?
D:
(angrily) I already weighed the pros and cons. Even if I agree with what
you say, my decision is made. I read in the newspaper about some expert who
said that every decision must come from the head, and that you first carry it out
before you allow your emotions to enter the picture. That's exactly what
happened. My decision came from my head - do you understand it now?
Th:
Thank you for being so clear. This will help us to keep things in the proper
perspective. So now it is clear that you have chosen to stay at home - but this is
not the same as choosing between the relationship and Hanna. This is
something the two of you will have to discover. How do you think Hanna feels
about the same dilemma?
During the following week, as is often the case during the confusion
characteristic of this stage, Hanna and David began to debate the question of
who was "really responsible for the affair?" Neither of the partners was prepared
to accept full responsibility for the serious crisis that had developed.
It is our system to guide the discussion towards a more systemic understanding.
We stress that although adult persons must take responsibility for their actions,
their case is served better by understanding that in such a closed and dynamic
relationship as a marriage actions cannot be divorced from their context, so that
we must explore what it was in the relationship that provided such a fertile
ground for the affair. We emphasize that this does not absolve anyone from
accepting personal responsibility for the consequences, but that it helps to put
things in a broader perspective for the sake of future prevention.
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Disconnecting the affair from questions such as innocence or guilt encourages
the spouses towards closer introspection, a more genuine expression of their
feelings and improved attention the other's fears and motivations.
In many cases the "betrayed" spouse feels the need to become a "detective"
who follows the moves of the involved spouse. This need is reframed as a
healthy and natural need to develop an awareness about the partner rather than
taking the "not knowing" position again. At the same time o, better means, should
be developed.
THIRD PHASE: AMBIVALENCE ABOUT COMMITMENT TO THE
RELATIONSHIP
Throughout this stage, which may last several weeks, a recurrent issue is the
ambivalence about the final choice for the relationship - although not yet the
mate (3rd level commitment). Even if the therapy proceeds as expected, it often
happens that several weeks after the start of the crisis both spouses - particularly
the involved spouse - start to feel exhausted and wish to resume a normal life.
However, this stage is not devoid of anxiety, since the commitment issue is as
yet far from truly settled. The intense desire for stability and balance at all cost,
as well as the wish to treasure and keep celebrating each other's newlydiscovered allure, stimulate both spouses (bouts of dysphoria notwithstanding) to
attempt premature closure of the contentious issues (see David's reaction in the
previous section). This simultaneously produces even greater feelings of
ambivalence, as well as more incongruent signals and confusion.
Being 'Taken for Granted'
The following transcript is representative of many long-term marriages in which,
prior to the crisis, both mates viewed their relationship as permanent, without
giving much consideration to how to keep it "ticking". Even though the crisis
shatters that story, the involved spouse frequently continues behaving as if the
partner's willingness to wait and "take him/her back" can be taken for granted almost as if the ultimate rejection is a one-sided decision. At times the therapist
must heighten the anxiety of the involved spouse around this issue in order to
rebalance the distribution of power between the mates.
H:
David decided on his own (to stay home) and he suddenly confronts me
with it.
D:
(angrily) So what? Should I come to you every time I am unsure about
something? I decided to remain at home because I came to the conclusion that
my indecisiveness was bad for me. I spent too much time thinking about it at the
expense of my work and our relationship. I can't run my life when I am being torn
into two. I can't concentrate on what is most important. So I said to myself:
Enough! We must give it a chance: With all our soul and with all our might.
Th:
(to David) That's a decision you have taken unilaterally, and you have put
it to Hanna as a fait accompli. That reminds me of what we discussed earlier,
[namely] that you present your ideas or decisions only after you yourself have
tidily "gift-wrapped" them - "take it or leave it". In fact, the same way you
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suddenly confronted Hanna with your decision that you were going to divorce
her, that you were going to start a new life.
(To Hanna) But you know, Hanna, you are entitled to say that you want to think
about it, or even that you don't want to - that it takes two people to decide on
such a thing? Don't you agree?
H:
Yes, I definitely think so.
D:
Wow, right on.
Th:
(to David) It could be helpful to say: 'I was thinking about it, and then I
came to a conclusion, and I would like to know what you want.'
D:
I simply wanted to put an end to the uncertainty.
Th:
(to David) I think what Hanna wants is for the two of you to examine
whether even when you take a decision about yourself, she still has the right to
express doubts, to become clear in her own mind, and to examine her own
emotions. Are you ready to listen to them? It is important for both of you to get
used to listening when the other "unburdens himself".
D:
(has calmed down) Sure.
Th:
(to David) what did you understand Hanna to say [at the beginning]?
D:
That she didn't believe my decision is genuine and that I'll stick with it.
Th:
(to Hanna) Did he understand you correctly?
H:
Yes.
Th:
(to David) What do you think, is she right?
D:
(to Hanna) Yes, I'll agree with that - I know I confused you today. I should
be glad that your reaction hasn't been worse.
Th:
(to Hanna) What else did you want to say?
H:
That it's all going too quick for me and I don't get it.
We prompt both the spouses to identify and admit to their feelings and
perspectives, in order to begin to shake the rigid pattern of avoidance they have
engaged in for years, and to enable them to cope with their differences.
Incongruent about Commitment
As we have seen, incongruent messages about commitment and choice can be
extremely stressful, and they need to be rigorously clarified before the relevant
relationship issues can be dealt with - particularly those related to the "fertile
ground" issues. Conflicting messages may also serve as a means of escaping
emotional confrontation; among some couples incongruent messages are a
common method to avoid intimacy.
In the fifth session Hanna came in angry and confused at David's contradictory
messages.
H:
...In the morning David said: "Well, I am finished with it! I am home!" And
then in the evening we went to a show, and then he said that he had been
thinking about the situation, and that whereas he was an introvert, I was an
extroverted person, and that introverted people don't need others. Introverts, he
said, draw all their strength from themselves, whereas extroverts draw all their
strength from the surrounding world. And then he said: “…they should put up a
sign at the Registry Office (Rabanuth) saying: We do not marry introverts to
extroverts”. That was really insulting and I was terribly hurt and angry.
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Th:
(to Hanna) Did you hear him say that the two of you shouldn’t have been
married?
H:
He said “It should be forbidden” like a Biblical commandment.
D:
All I meant to say was that introverts make extroverts unhappy.
Th:
In different situation it might have sound different, but in this specific
context it has a special meaning.
H:
That was a terribly difficult evening for me.
Th:
But when he said you are an extrovert, did you think he was criticizing
you?
H:
Yes, as if I do not have my own private world. As if my whole world is out
there, while he doesn't need anyone!
Th:
Perhaps he knows very little about your private world, too. Perhaps it's
time he knew more. What hurt you most when he said that?
H:
I very much appreciate David, I have a very high regard for him. Anything
he says I take seriously. He always thinks five steps ahead.
Th:
In other words, what you understood from his words was that you do not
belong together, and that he and you should get ready for a divorce?
H:
Yes, and the earlier the better.
Th:
(to David) Were you aware of the effects of your words?
D:
I am now more than before.
Th:
What were you trying to avoid when you said that? What prompted you?
D:
I wanted to get her off my back, but sometimes I really wonder about this.
You said we are doing a reevaluation
Emerging Issues of the "betrayed" Spouse.
A common trap is becoming too involved with the conflicts and behavior of the
unfaithful spouse, and thus to neglect those of the partner. The "betrayed"
spouse tends to focus on her/his hurts, thereby avoiding an exploration of his
own ambivalence and his own share in the problems and solutions.
As soon as their situation showed signs of stabilizing, and the threat of
abandonment was reduced, Hanna could begin to connect with her own process
of choice, rather than make automatic assumptions. She, too, needed to choose
(or reject) David as her partner, and decide whether she was willing to make the
necessary investment in reconciliation, and in forgiving and loving her husband.
Following this she would have to take an active part in reconstructing the
relationship and changing the patterns that had constituted such a fertile ground
for the extramarital affair.
Feelings of anger and fantasies of revenge are not easily discarded. At this stage
the therapist should redirect their expression, so that they cannot be exploited as
yet another mechanism for avoiding difficult individual and relationship issues.
Fantasies of revenge frequently serve to compensate for the helplessness
experienced since the outbreak of the crisis, and useful work can be done around
them. One technique we use is to request the vengeful client to draw up a
detailed list of ideas for revenge, to be explored in therapy. Then, using humor
and drama, we work to dissolve or transform them. In our case, Hanna
considered the revelation of her own "mini-affair" as her a form of revenge.
Dissolving active fantasies of revenge is a necessary step towards ending the
crisis phase.
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Personal and Interpersonal Exploration
When the messages become more congruent and the anger (although not
necessarily the anxiety) is reduced, a window opens for an in-depth exploration
of both personal and dyadic patterns. Doing this too early, in our experience,
tends to dilute and prolong the crisis work, besides enabling it to be used by
either spouse as a weapon for blaming the other.
During the eight sessions David and Hanna talked about their need to avoid
conflicts, and the acquisition of techniques for helping them to overcome
differences and their problems with differentiation. The following excerpt reveals
an interesting paradox: David's need to differentiate produces behaviors, which
prevent differentiation.
Th:
(to David) It might be interesting for you to understand why you are so
terribly sensitive when Hanna has a different opinion from yours?
D:
Basically, that's how I am; it's a fixture of our relationship. I didn't really
have parents: my father worked from morning till night, and when at the age of 17
I left my parents' home I never came back. I didn't have a happy childhood.
Maybe I saw Hanna as my mother...Now that I am grown up, I want to do what I
want, to follow my own will.
Th:
How is her having a different opinion stop you from following your own
will?
D:
Then I feel that I can't do what I want, or that I have to change my opinion
in order for her to accept me.
Th:
In this light it also becomes somewhat easier to understand the meaning
of the affair you had, or rather the "I want a new family" part. If Hanna is your
mother, then you must leave the family to make your own.
D:
Yeah, I did not think of it this way.
Th:
You grew up knowing each other from an early age; you were both good
for your children and for each other, and the question is whether you can also
become intimate lovers. Particularly now that your children will be leaving the
house, you are more than ever entitled to that.
Moving On - New challenges
The above phase comes to an end when a more congenial relationship has been
re-established, holding a promise of renewed intimacy. The greater the
congruency of commitment, the more intense the emotional expression will be,
even though the commitment is as yet to the marriage rather than to the spouse.
In David and Hanna's ninth session a change became obvious. David looked
affectionately at Hanna; he complimented her, and confided that he felt more
comfortable at home and with Hanna. Hanna appeared very pleased with these
changes, and both spouses were more open and affectionate with each other partly due to their adventurous lovemaking:
D:
Our loving relationship is moving very quickly in the right direction. Not
because we started from a "minus" situation, but objectively...we both enjoy it.
Th:
Great! What could block her open heart and lovingness?
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D:
If I don't cooperate, or if I fail to make myself entirely clear, she feels that
I am not really with her. The truth is that I am not yet entirely here in the sense
that I'm not yet ready to make a final account. What I am trying to do is let the
facts speak for themselves....
Th:
It is very important what you'll do.
(To Hanna) What is he doing now that is important?
H:
With regard to establishing trust? He tells me that he no longer meets or
speaks with "her".
Th:
So, I understand that he tries to be honest, but that he doesn't feel fully
committed yet. But do you [Hanna] feel that you know more about what is going
on in his world?
H:
I wouldn't say in his world, but I do know more about him.
D:
Here and there I volunteer some information.
H:
His world is still too closed. He tells me that it is still difficult for him to talk
about what he feels and thinks. He doesn't really let me enter. I asked him:
"What is it in me that prevents you from sharing these things with me?" He
answered: "Our closeness. I don't want to hurt you. I can do it better in therapy."
The safety of the therapeutic environment remains important until the couple
have developed an ability to cope with the anxiety caused by their selfdisclosures. At a later stage we encourage them to take more risks in their
mutual explorations also at home. This stage comes to an end following the
decision and commitment of both partners to get off the roller coaster of
ambivalence and jointly work on important relationship issues.
Th:
Do you agree that it would now be important to work on your relationship to develop better ways of sharing things, so that you are no longer an enigma to
one another? But also the opposite so that you don't think that you know
everything about the other and can take him for granted? This would apply to
many issues in your life, not the least being sex and intimacy.
H.
and D: Yes, it's about time.
THE FOURTH STAGE: TAKING A PERSONAL AND RELATIONAL
INVENTORY
Once the intensity of the ambivalence, the anger and the other symptoms of
stress are sufficiently reduced, the couple is ready to move on to a new stage. In
the process, the "non-involved" spouse must relinquish his/her status of the
victim, and replace it with acceptance of a shared responsibility to all that is
happening in the relationship. This is the first time since the start of the crisis that
the spouses may be ready to actually perceive each other for what they are, to
see the individual behind the persona and to develop realistic expectations.
This is also the moment for taking inventory of the relationship, in-order to
prepare for the final commitment, which is to each other. In the process, the
spouses will be handed several "keys" enabling them to release themselves from
the chains of unrealistic myths, such as that of the ideal family, so that they can
begin to lead more authentic lives. Most of the therapeutic work revolves around
relationship issues, such as taboo areas, the negotiation of rules and
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preferences, the acquisition of a deeper knowledge of each other and a renewed
focus on the present and future rather than on the past.
During the eighth and ninth sessions Hanna and David proved ready to take the
first step in taking an inventory of their relationship. Note that Hanna pushed to
talk about the "bad things" first. For being a couple that had been holding on to
the “ideal couple” Image, this was an improvement:
Th:
...When someone decides to make a commitment, the question is to
what? And how to develop the relationship from there on. So, what are the strong
qualities and what are the weak points of your relationship?
D:
(tries to avoid the challenge and the responsibility for clear statements)
We are here, and intuitively we tell each other things from the past that we knew
were wrong.
Th:
You can start by talking about what is really good in your relationship, as
well as about the things that you would like to be changed, but which you usually
feel are difficult to talk about.
(To David) Maybe you start first?
H:
(worried, to David) Begin with the bad things.
Th:
(smiling) Not necessarily the bad, but things that must be dealt with. I see
that you [to David] are afraid to say things that may offend her. Well take care of
Hanna.
D:
First of all I want to improve the way we talk to each other. I don't like to
be shouted at or preached at.
Th:
The first thing, the tone and the preaching, has that to do with the lack of
appreciation that you said you felt? [i.e. in a previous session.]
D:
Yes...it's like someone is beating me over the head, despite the fact that
at the end things turn out to happen the way I want them. It is possible that
because of the way it happens, I'm not aware of that....
H:
David always confronts me with unilateral decisions.
Th:
(to Hanna)...And what do you do?
H:
I feel that he is imposing his decision on me and there is no way for me to
express my wishes or perspective even in everyday family issues such as buying
furniture. Last week he purchased a couch, and when he brought it home I had to
accept it be happy with it.
D:
Sure, this is because it takes her ages to decide, and also because she
always contradicts me.
Th:
So, what both of you are saying is that your negotiation and decision
making skills need changing.
Exploring Taboos
The next therapy stage involved the need to explore taboo areas, areas that
because of their hidden nature defied effective identification and therefore a
solution.
For David and Hanna one of the main taboos was their sexual relationship, an
area which for many years had been a major source of dissatisfaction for both.
David stated that he had a problem with sexual exclusivity to Hanna as long as
their sexual relationship failed to improve. Yet they had never overtly discussed
their sexual relationship, let alone that they had gone into details, so that most of
his sexual wishes and fantasies were unknown to her. We also discovered that
David had experienced sexual difficulties in the distant past. They were
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unanimous that their sexual relationship had greatly improved during the past two
months. They celebrated their newly discovered intimacy by changing their
bedroom from a junk-room into a love nest, by installing new furniture and new
carpets, and by the use of scents and oils for massaging each other. Even so
Hanna claimed that she didn't feel David was completely present:
Th:
(to David) What could get in the way of your present passion for Hanna?
D:
Feelings of hatred or anger, or if sex became boring.
Th:
(to David) Do you think of the possibility that you might become less
attractive to her?
D:
No, I only thought of the possibility that she might become less attractive
to me.
Th: We are much more aware lately of her sexuality and femininity.
D:
Yes, you are right. We discovered it only recently.
H:
I think that if you don't completely free yourself emotionally from the other
relationship in order to be completely with me, the new excitement will disappear.
Th:
Who is usually the initiating partner?
D:
Up till now I was the one who initiated, and the one who was rejected (He
imitates her making a dismissive hand movement; then, sounding hurt and
insulted): I will never forget these movements.
Th:
(to Hanna) When, during your "love games", do you begin to feel uneasy?
H:
(talking about past and present) I haven't been feeling his passion as
much recently; his touching is unconvincing; he does not caress me and there is
something wrong with the foreplay.
Th:
(to Hanna) ...And you need him to be more warm and passionate?
(to David) I think that Hanna feels your body, but she doesn't feel you.
D:
This problem is connected with the depth of my feelings and love and she
is right: it is not always so strong at the present. I am not always one hundred
percent present. I am not very concentrated, but it is not true that my head is
somewhere else.
Th:
Are you worried sometimes that your body will not react sexually as you
wish it to react?
D:
I had difficulties and worries about erection twenty years ago. I thought I
was impotent, so I went to check it out [both he and Hanna smile].
Th:
So part of your checking was to test yourself with other women?
D:
Yes, to check whether it was big enough, whether I could satisfy women. I
didn't come to Hanna with my fantasies and ideas on how to color our sexual
relationship.
H:
I am shocked, I didn't know about all these ideas, but many times during
the past years I agreed to things that I did not like and even resisted, just in order
to satisfy him.
Th:
So Hanna cooperated in sex, but she felt bad and angry about it.
H:
...Yes, and from that point on our sex was like going through the motions,
like robots, and I was completely frozen, wishing even more to avoid sex. But it
drives me crazy to think that we never discussed it.
D:
I did not understand it that way. I just thought that she rejected me. We
hardly had sex for the last six years. Yes... this was our life.
H:
He never came to me to say: look Hanna, I am dissatisfied with this life,
something has gone wrong, let's think it over and do something about it.
Th:
(to Hanna): And you did not do it either!
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H:
It never occurred to me that it could lead to an affair!
D:
...Yes, she is right, I found the answers in other places. I thought that it
would be impossible to change it.
Th: It is interesting to find out what made each one of you take things for
granted. You, Hanna with the it couldn't lead to an affair and you David with
taking for granted that things would be impossible to change?
These realizations were painful for Hanna, but at the same time she felt greatly
relieved about not having to bear all the responsibility and blame for being
insufficiently attractive or rejecting her husband. The discussion about painful
and intimate issues was a very significant experience, laying the groundwork for
eventual discussions about new patterns in sexual behavior, including nurturing
renewed courtship, mutual play and increased romanticism.
Understanding the Meaning of the Affair
We prefer not to deal with this aspect of the work during the early stage of
therapy, since the "unfaithful" spouse is still too involved, and usually feels such
loyalty to the lover that he/she wants to keep the relationship sacred and their
romance shielded from outside criticism. Immediately following the discovery,
feelings of happiness and joy are still connected exclusively to the lover, who is
perceived as possessing the "magic key" to happiness. Often, even during the
later stage, the involved spouse continues to feel loyal to the lover.
Once the couple has begun to abandon old patterns and to create some mutually
satisfying intimate experiences, the involved partner is ready to explore the
meaning of the affair for him/her. This work is best first done in an individual
session, in order to explore things in a non-threatening way, and then shared in
the couple sessions. As Brown (1991) suggests, and as we often learn from our
clients, the affair itself may generate positive effects that bring to light a part of
one's self that is not being used in the marriage. Therefore, the involved spouse
must learn to understand and internalize her/his discoveries about the self and
about the relationship, as well as to identify her/his new skills, which can then be
introduced into the marital and any other relationship. An individual session with
the "non-involved" spouse helps dealing with the personal meaning of the affair
for her/him as well.
The individual sessions may also be used to have a preliminary look into
multigenerational issues. Multigenerational issues may permeate every stage of
therapy. Depending on how immediately relevant they are to the extramarital
crisis we choose to clarify them or postpone them to a later phase of the therapy,
after the crisis is over. In order to obtain a multi-dimensional picture of the factors
surrounding the affair and leading to it, the therapist should acquire an
understanding of the patterns of coping with truth, secrets, infidelity, conflicts and
abandonment in the families of origin, as well as into patterns of differentiation
and relatedness, power structures, role definitions, aspects such as closeness
and distance etc. (Moultrap 1990 p. 29)
During our individual session with David, more than two month following the
discovery of the affair, he was more relaxed and more ready to talk about it than
during the previous sessions.
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An individual session with David;
David opens the session by telling that his jaw hurts from clenching his teeth to
prevent people from noticing his inner tension. He is hesitant about exploring the
relationship with his lover, saying: “I stopped it without giving it too much thought
If I started thinking about it I couldn’t give it up. So I just stopped”.
Th:
The problem is that if you don't take the trouble to explore what it meant
for you, you'll always be left with that image of a phantom and that you
abandoned a treasure. Do you want to understand what happened?
D:
She was young. There were two forces working together: in the
background were the clouds hanging over the relationship with my wife. With her
[the ] I felt excitement and sensuality, and especially renewal. I felt young
again...But I did not go the whole way I didn't exploit the entire potential. I
realized that I could not devote myself to one world while the other world [of the
marriage] still existed.
Th:
What formed the main source of the excitement for you?
D:
The whole setup...to do everything together...[the idea of] creating a
family with her. I was so swept away that I even thought of another baby. We
nurtured each other's cultural aspects, by talking about books.... She had
qualities like joy of life, spontaneity, truthfulness and trustworthiness...the things
that a person would wish to have in life.
Th:
Yes, you're right. How did you nurture her?
D:
I can quote Hanna, who says that I am very necessary for her, that it is
fun to live with me and that I am a reliable person.
Th:
Was there anything in the other relationship that you find difficult to give in
your relationship with your wife?
D:
No, because since the crisis we have created a new life. ...along the lines
that I wanted. There is a bond of love and closeness between us that did not
exist in the past.
Th:
Does it mean that you have started to give Hanna things which you earlier
gave within the context of the affair?
D:
Yes, I give attention and love...it is not love exactly... I don't know what
love is. I know that I have a deep affinity with Hanna.
Th:
Can you describe it? Give it a name?
D:
She is an integral part of my life...It would be difficult without her. I care
for her and it is so important what she thinks and says about me, and how she
appreciates me. The sex between us, now, is good, although it lacks a certain
passion. Nevertheless when I think about it I realize that this is the decision I
made [to remain with my wife], and I feel at ease with it.
Th:
Don't rush to close this door... Maybe you haven't yet finished creating
your particular brand of passion for each other, and it is still to come. You'd better
keep this door open.
Is there anything else that you feel you would have to give up, as you
choose Hanna to be your partner?
D:
(thinking)...No, the positive side is continually getting stronger.
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An individual session with Hanna:
In this session we explored (among other things) the roots of Hanna's lack of
vigilance and attention through the years to David's statements of discomfort and
distress, and her taking the "not knowing" position about the affair.
The reasons became clear when we explored her family of origin. Hanna's father
had died when she was a young woman. Her mother was a Holocaust survival
who, as a young woman, had been in the Auschwitz extermination camp, doing
hard labor and suffering multiple traumas. Ever since Hanna was a very young
girl, her mother had been telling her the terrible stories about the camp. Hanna
had begged her mother to stop, but to no avail. Eventually, Hanna had taught
herself "not to listen", to pretend that those things had not happened, and to
avoid situations of closeness with her mother. She felt that this had helped her to
grow better - unlike her sister, who sat listening for hours and had became very
attached to the mother. In the session Hanna started to connect this adaptive
pattern to her lack of openness for her husband's pain and distress, and the "not
knowing" and "not seeing" positions that she had taken in relation to him and the
affair. She also began to see that she thought of David somewhat as of her lost
father's "rock-like" stability that could be taken for granted.
FIFTH STAGE - THE CLOSURE OF THE CRISIS
This stage closes the crisis period and both spouses, separately and together,
have on the basis of their personal awareness and a renewed and more intimate
knowledge of each other chose to stay together. There are intimations of
reconciliation and even love, even though instances of instability may exist due to
the "flashback" effect - sudden glimpses of the past that will cause the occasional
angry outburst or depressive reaction. During this stage, also, the (ex) involved
spouse may once again become preoccupied with some of his earlier worries,
the solution of which the affair enabled him to either avoid or postpone (Pittman,
1987, 1995). These problems could be midlife cycle issues, a personal crisis or
some burdensome family problem.
It is a natural phenomenon for the spouses during this stage to show a renewed
interest in their family and children. In those families where the children served
as yet another tool in the couple's mechanism to avoid close personal contact
and to deny marital problems, the therapist must take care not to allow the
couple to revert to their old patterns, while at the same time encouraging this
renewed involvement.
At this stage the therapist must also examine whether there are as yet any
undisclosed aspects of the affair that need to be discussed, and to note
behaviors that continue to obstruct intimacy and the further development of the
relationship. Inhibiting or blocking reactions on the part of the spouses might in
fact intensify, because of the fact that they have broached intimate and complex
issues that were never discussed in the past, and which now require
considerable emotional tolerance of the listener. Once the realization of the true
marital difficulties strikes home, the -involved spouse may in fact try to take
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refuge in fantasies about his or her past happiness, as shown in the following
dialogue with David:
D:
I know that my relationship with "her" was not like those of an ordinary
couple. I had no obligations towards her, no financial business, no homework
with the children...but I must admit that I sometimes think I might have found a
way of keeping up the connection with her. I know that I should abandon this
idea, for it weakens my resolve and my real objective, which is to remain with
Hanna.
Th:
Right... the longer you keep on nurturing this fantasy, the more it will
complicate and delay your new relationship with Hanna.
[At this point the therapist decides that it is necessary to empower
experiences of closeness and intimacy.]
(To both spouses): What incidents of closeness and intimacy did you
experience during the past few weeks?
H:
...We spent a night at a hotel in the city where we first met.. We were
standing next to each other at the window looking out...and at that moment we
really felt very close.
D:
Yes, and we also went to visit various places where we had lived and fell
in love when we were students 25 years ago. We stood underneath the house
where we lived during those days and I called her to me by the nickname I used
then.
Mutual Forgiveness
Frequently towards the end of the crisis phase we initiate a process which
symbolizes the closure of the crisis phase and their new beginning. Often this
ritual develops spontaneously into a process of asking and accepting forgiveness
to and from each other for each of their behavior that has contributed to the
crisis. This nature of this process develops out of the special relationship the
therapist has established with the spouses.
To illustrate this process we reproduced below part of the reconciliation
ceremony between Hanna and David that took place in the course of the 16th
session. Prior to the session we asked Hanna and David to bring some object
that could symbolize the closure, and their new beginning. They brought a ring
that they had chosen together, and Hanna also brought a glass (a symbol used
in the Jewish wedding ceremony)
Th:
(to the spouses) Please look at the ring you brought, and think of the
values involved in the direction your relationship is going to take.
H:
It makes me think of wholeness... the life cycle... concentration on what is
important, warmth...integrity and support - all the qualities I would like to have in
my life.
Th:
(to David) could you say something in your won way?
D:
I look at the ring as a symbol of renewed faith... something that will
connect us and look after us. [David gently takes Hanna's hand and places the
ring on her finger.]
Th:
(to Hanna) What about the glass?
H:
I want to break the glass as a sign that all the wrongs are behind us.
Th:
(hands Hanna the glass wrapped in a napkin) Do whatever you wish.
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The Therapy of extramarital Affair Crisis in Long-Term Midlife Marriages ©
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H:
(takes the glass...and puts it back) I don't really need it any more. The
glass was broken a few minutes ago when David took my hand and placed the
ring on my finger.
D:
(to Hanna): I feel that I should ask your forgiveness. I'm asking you to
forgive me about the pain that I caused you, and I hope that the ring will
symbolize the future and a new beginning.
H:
I am still afraid now and then... but the "infusion" I receive from what is
happening at home has a very powerful effect...I, too, would like to ask
forgiveness...about my own affair, and that for such a long time I refused to pay
attention to what was going on in your heart, inside you....
[There are a few moments of silence as David and Hanna was with each other].
Th:
Please close your eyes [all of us close our eyes]. Imagine you are
standing under a white bridal canopy surrounded by trees and flowers, under a
starry sky... Tell yourself anything you would like to say to yourselves while
standing under this bridal canopy...just imagine that you say it aloud, and
imagine that in front of you, among the guests, are your children...and the
children that will be born from your children...and your parents...and your friends
and neighbors...and everybody is listening to what you are saying...[allows time
for the process]...Now imagine yourselves emerging slowly from under the
canopy to a place where you can be together for a little while all by yourselves.
[Follows a protracted silence. David has tears in his eyes, and Hanna
bursts out into a lengthy fit of crying which obviously relieves her. David gently
strokes her and they gradually relaxes.]
Th:
We think that you have made a good and wise decision, and we are
grateful that you allowed us to take part in your change process and in this event.
At the conclusion of this stage, the affair plays a less relevant role in the therapy,
and no longer evokes such strong reactions. In fact, a change process has
begun laying a good foundation for the remaining couple therapy. Gradually the
spouses, now equipped with improved skills and abilities, start to identify, and
avoid, the behavioral patterns that provided the "fertile ground" for the affair.
David and Hanna reported that they have discovered themselves and each other
anew, and that they are, as it were, creating a new "affair" - this time within their
marriage.
David shared with us his feeling of liberation, both at home and outside: "As long
as the affair was alive I was afraid to talk to the children, so that they would not
ask me with whom I was talking so softly on the telephone. I felt as if I was
escaping from them and that my head was somewhere else.... Another of my
continuous nightmares was that "she" would 'phone exactly when I was with
Hanna. At the office I felt like a hostage to my staff, most of whom were aware of
the affair. I felt all the time under a threat that someone might tell my wife, and
that would have been terrible. Now I feel a free man; I am once again liked and
able to exercise my authority at the office.
Many couples gladly welcome these discoveries about themselves, although they
worry about the possibility that their new resolves might not be able to withstand
the test of time.
This stage of the therapy is concluded with the definition of the as yet needed
changes and the direction the further therapy is going to take. From this point
onwards the therapy can be classified as ordinary couple therapy within the
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context of more fundamental issues relating to the couple's needs and
expectations at this stage of their life cycle.
EPILOGUE
About a year after the end of the affair, David said:
"When I fell in love with her (his lover) my eyes opened. It was as if I had eaten
the fruit from the forbidden 'tree of knowledge' of the "Garden of Eden". The
world was clearer, I suddenly had physical experiences that I never knew
existed, and my feelings were electrically sharp. I could do and feel things I didn't
know existed in me. Afterwards, I understood that they are in me even without
that woman".
His eating from the “forbidden fruit” and sharing it with Hanna caused her too, to
"loose her innocence", as if she had been banished from the Garden of Eden of
blind faith and the belief that if she only continued to carry out her duties,
everything would be alright." We found the association to the fruit of the 'tree of
knowledge of good and evil', forbidden to Adam and Eve in Genesis (2:16-3:19)
interesting, and we continue to use it as a metaphor in therapy with other long
term marriage partners. Only after they have eaten the forbidden fruit could
Adam and Eve see each other as naked and really came to "know each other"
and create the first family.
In this chapter we described how we accompany the couple during this sobering,
eye-opening period. The act of having an affair, in terms of the marriage, is
experienced by most as a betrayal of a pact, a pact that includes sexual fidelity,
belief that neither partner will hurt the other and belief that both partners will be
open and honest with each other. As long as the affair is going on, the
uninvolved spouse and the relationship are suffering. When the affair is revealed,
the therapist must help in making the sobering process meaningful for both
spouses in the formation of a renewed pact.
Like Adam blamed Eve and Eve blamed the snake in the biblical story, so both
marital partners want to shake off responsibility and blame someone else. The
betrayed spouse may blame the "betraying" partner or the lover, and the involved
spouse often blames the" betrayed" spouse for setting up the conditions which
led to the affair. The therapist must help each of them to identity and accept
responsibility for his or her actions and their consequences. This will be followed
by difficult dilemmas, one of which is "to know or not to know". On the one hand,
both partners would have liked to return to a time of naivete and lies. On the
other hand, they have already eaten from the " tree of knowledge" and the gates
to the innocence of Garden of Eden are barred and there is no way back. This
understanding leads to the dysphoria of the second stage. .Both discover the
hard way that they have no choice but to open their eyes and "see" and "know".
They must confront their personal and joint behavior patterns that constituted
the" fertile ground" for the crisis. They will become aware that in many respects
they are strangers to one another, and have taken each other and their
relationship for granted (third stage). They will be anxious bout the difficulties that
await them, a life that requires awareness, pain and effort but with the therapist
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help they can look forward with curiosity to the positive aspects that may
develop. They will be guided to sincerely "take personal; and relational
inventory", examine their past and present sorrows and disappointments, as well
as the old and new strengths and qualities of their relationship, and negotiate a
new perspective and new rules. They will learn to create new experiences of
honesty and intimacy. (Fourth stage)
If all goes well, the crisis period will come to closure with readiness on both sides
for a full and conscious reconciliation. They can begin to experience their
relationship as having the potential for restoration, healing, growth and
excitement. During this last stage, they may be capable of choosing one another
not merely out of habit or fear of leaving or being left, but out of fully conscious
determination to make the relationship the right place for each of them, one
where they can realistically satisfy their own and each other's needs. It is the recreation of the "right place" that will be the basis of work in the continuation of the
couple therapy.
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