Sales 101
An Original Script
By Gregg A. Napoli
FADE IN:
EXT. RUSH HOUR DOWNTOWN CLEVELAND, OHIO.
It’s about 6:30pm and about 95 degrees outside and they
haven’t moved a foot in about 20 minutes.
Joey drives a
truck that makes Sanford and Sons look like a hummer. Its
urine colored and painted metallic to hide the rust. There
is no air condition and the radio doesn’t work.
Depth
Joey I am not feeling very good, I think I
have to dute?
Joey
Dude, you are going to have to hold it, we
are in the middle of rush hour and there is
no place for you to go!
Depth
Joey I can’t last another five seconds, I am
ready to let it go?
Joey
You do it and I will fucking Kill you!
You have some major stomach problems man.
Didn’t you know you had to go when we left?
Marijuana is really messing you up bro.
Depth
I am going Joey, OH YA, OH YA.
Depth takes a shit in Joey’s truck and it is all over the
place and it’s starting to smell.
Joey
You fucking asshole, what the fuck!
Joey Starts to gag and vomits all over himself and then so
does Depth from seeing Joey.
1
EXT. TWO HOURS LATER.
They are still stuck in traffic; they look horrible they
are sitting in their own waste staring straight ahead and
sweating profusely.
Joey
This is unreal, I am sitting in your shit, I
have puke all over me and we haven’t moved
in three fucking hours.
Depth
Bro it can get worse, your gas light is on.
Joey
OH shit, we need to get off the freeway
right now. The light comes on like a mile
before I run out of gas.
Depth
Dude this is a really bad area, and look at
us, we have shit and barf on us we are going
to get killed.
Joey
What else you want me to do, drive till we
run out of gas and hitchhike? Who is going
to pick us up? You have shit all over your
back and is that fucking corn on the seat?
Depth
Ya.
They slowly pull off the freeway and make a few wrong turns
and get gas and make another wrong turn. They are smack dab
in the middle of the ghetto.
EXT. DUSK ALL BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD.
They see a black guy on the corner and pull over to ask for
directions.
Depth
Joey you sure you want to pull over?
2
Joey
Hey Dude, can you help us we are lost man.
Guy on the corner
Where do you need to go, you know what I am
sayin
Joey
Yes, I know what your saying
Guy on the corner
Where are you trying to get too you know what I
am sayin, and you guys smell like shit do you
know what I am sayin
Joey
Ya I know what your saying
Guy on corner
What is this whose on first mother fucker you
know what I am saying?
Joey
I know what your saying.
Guy
Yo Cracker you fuckin with me you know what I
am sayin!
Depth covers Joey’s mouth.
Depth
Dude shut the Hell up DO YOU KNOW WHAT I am
saying
Guy on the corner
You best get the fuck out of here before I put
a gat in your head you know what I am saying
Joey and Depth
(together)
We know what you’re saying.
3
Joey and Depth pull away and drive off to get back on the
right road home.
Depth
Joey that was fucked up man
Joey
I know he wanted to know if I understood him
and then got upset.
EXT. JOEYS DRIVEWAY
Joey pulls up to the house and opens the door.
his house.
He walks in
Joey
Leslie I am home… where is everyone?
Leslie
I am upstairs changing the baby, can you check
on Alexa she is in our room. She has been very
quiet.
Joey walks to there room and opens the door. He is
horrified because Alexa is stomping paint balls all over
there carpet like you would stomp grapes.
Joey
Holy shit Alexa what the hell are you doing?
Leslie, Alexa got into my paint balls there all
over the god dam place.
Leslie
(shouting)
Well clean it up.
Joey
(under his breath)
This is messed up man. I need to clean me up
and my fucking car.
Blackout:
The opening credits shows a person typing on their
computer using map quest. They are typing the address
4
of Ralph Naples house. Once the typing is complete
using the typist’s original location as the starting
point. The camera zooms in close and show a car
driving on the screen from the person typing
destination to the Naples house as the car gets
closer to The Naples house, the Car speeds up and
Drives up to Ralph’s front door and stops at the
door.
EXT. RALPH NAPLES FRONT DOOR
Guy standing at the door with balloons.
Door knocker/delivery (excited)
Hi, I am Steve from Inflatable images; I’m
dropping off the balloons you ordered for
tomorrow.
Ralph
Thank you, you can put them all right by the
dining room table, thanks.
Door knocker/delivery guy
Very well, its already been paid for. Have a
wonderful party. Thank you for Using Inflatable
images.
Ralph
(Shuts door)
Thank you, have a nice evening.
INT. NIGHT NAPLES HOUSE
Family is getting ready for Peri’s birthday party. Peri is
the Naples’s 6 year old daughter and they are preparing for
the families to come over and celebrate. Ralph Naples’s
son is having a sleep over with some of his friends.
Ralph
Hey Cory, PROMISE ME, look in my eyes that you
will behave tonight! It’s your sister’s party
tomorrow bud and we don’t want any problems.
Gabbish. YOU will not have a sleep over ever
again! With everything going on your mother
didn’t want this little party. It’s both our
asses if you mess up. GOT IT!
5
Cory
No problem Dad, just me Danny and Kevin. We got
a few movies and video games. Don’t sweat it. We
will be as quiet as a mute pop.
INT. CORYS BEDROOM EVENING
Cory’s room is in the basement and he has a few boys over
and is plotting fun for the night
Cory
(Devilish grin)
Gentleman, are we ready for an evening of fun and
hyjinx! We have all of our stuff correct?
Danimal would you do me the honors and please
read from our checklist.
Danny aka danimal
Sir yes sir, we have one dozen farm fresh eggs,
very plump tomatoes, and three bags of dog shit
courtesy of Maxxie boy. And two ply toilet paper
because one ply just isn’t enough.
Cory
Well boys, we wait for the nut jobs upstairs to
go to bed and we are ready to go. All in say I.
Friends
I, hey Cory who are we egging?
Cory
(Smiling, laughing)
Glad you should ask my friend. (Long Pause)
neighbors right across the street.
My
Danny
Are you insane, your parents will see us and that
is way to balzy. I just got out of my grounding
from the last sleep over dude. I can’t go back
to grounding. My girlfriend dumped me for bed
head aka (Justin) man.
Cory
6
Yes it is. Or is it so sane that it blows your
mind. Think about it my friends, who would have
the balls to trash the house right across the
street. (We have those balls) Also, I hate those
people, and they hate us and its go time! Check
your pants for balls and let’s go.
Friends
Dude, they are going to know its you. Remember
when we put marshmallow cream on their car, and
it froze. They put cameras up and watched your
house. I bet they still have them up. Way too
risky man.
Cory
Did we get caught?
Friends
No.
Cory
Exactly. That was classic wasn’t it.
Marshmallow cream on a Lexus. Yummy.
Blackout:
Ext.Flashback
Back to the time they put the marshmallow on the car and
seeing them go the car the next morning.
Cory
Grow some or go upstairs and have a sleep over
with my 6 year old sister. Who is in?
We are in dude.
Friends
Is that all we are doing?
Cory
(Hands to chin and ponders)
I have 30 bucks for any of you that will go to
Old Mr. Asspants house, dress up in my sisters
Halloween costume and go trick or treating to his
house and five other houses that we hand pick. A
little fear factor if you will.
Friends
7
Halloween is over Cory.
Cory
Exactly dumbshit. Who has the guts? I pick the
houses.
Friend
So I have to dress up as a goddamm tellitubbie
and go trick or treating?
Cory
Yes, you will be a legend I promise. Imagine when
word gets out. You will have more women than me
after you.
EXT. OUTSIDE EVENING
One of Cory’s friends have his Halloween costume on.
go trick or treating first. Then do the egging.
The
Scenes of the trick or treating and finally the egging, and
toilet papering the house. As they try to egg, they drop
the eggs, they fall and make a mess and leave a trail to
the Naples house. They come back and sneak in and Cory is a
bit cold so he turns the heat up to the highest degree on
the thermostat.
INT. NEXT MORNING NAPLES HOUSE
Ralph wakes up soaked in sweat, he looks over to his wife
Rene and she is sweating too. He goes down stairs and the
windows are steamed.
He looks at the thermostat and
freaks out.
Ralph
(Pissed)
What the HELL, that kid.
CORY GODDAMMIT!!
INT. SAME MORNING RALPHS PARENTS BATHROOM
His dad is bald but uses the spray on hair, scene is dad
applying the spray, while his wife tells him it looks
ridiculous and painted on.
They are getting ready to come
to patties party. They are both in the small bathroom.
8
Ralph’s Mom
Honey, please for me. You look ridiculous, if it
gets wet it drips you know and the spray stains
the walls. Look what Cory wrote last time he was
here. Would you just wear it natural, we have to
leave soon and you look like you have paint on
your head.
Zoom on the wall with the writing REDRUM on the wall behind
the mirror.
Ralph’s dad
Nobody can notice my hair. My friends never say
anything, what time is the party?
Ralph’s mom
They don’t say anything because either there
blind or they have a hair piece that makes your
Paint hair look good.
Do you know people laugh
at you and I am afraid to go out in public with
you.
Ralph’s Dad
You don’t know what you’re talking about.
INT. SAME MORNING RALPHS BROTHER IN LAWS HOUSE.
The Kovachs are getting ready, the house is a mess and the
kids are screaming.
Joey
Leslie what time are we going to your brothers? I
gotta finish a tile job with Depth. I need my
money from the fucking builder...
Leslie
We are leaving in a little over an hour; get the
kids ready for me.
Joe
9
I worked all week; we are out of diapers by the
way. Hey, this house is a mess and I have to go
to a job to pay the bills babe.
Leslie
Freddie has two in his drawer, get one out NOW!
Joe
Make sure you pack the kids shit up for the
party! I got to do a job quick before we go.
Leslie
Are you nuts, we are going in less than two
hours.
Alexa is writing on the walls again can
you check on her.
INT. ALEXAS BEDROOM
Alexa is in the bedroom writing on the wall which has been
written on many times before. There you can see all the
beds in one room. She has a fascination with Chucky from
the movies and draws him on the wall all over the place.
Joe
Depth and I have a tile job to touch up, you do
it I gotta go.
Leslie
No
EXT. JOEY IN HIS TRUCK
Joe leaves the house in his beat up truck. Joe freshly
painted the truck in a glitter yellow spray that is for
walls not cars. He drives to pick up Depth at his house
that they rent from Joes Mom. Its upstairs and a mess.
He goes inside and they are watching the wizard of Oz,
which is the only movie they watch over and over again.
Joe goes in and it’s a mess.
There are 4 guys that live
there. They are stoners and complete slobs.
Cripple is a
300 pound guy who works at a jiffy lube, he shits himself a
lot.
He is sleeping in his room and they walk in and see
feces and chips, and all kinds of stuff in the room.
They leave to do a quick job and fire up a bowl on the way.
10
Joe
Dude we have to get this job done quickly, it’s
my nieces birthday party.
Depth
Cool, can I come to the party
Joe
No fucking way dude, Leslie hates you and her
brother didn’t invite you. Plus your f-d in the
head and you scare everyone. LOOK AT YOU.
Depth
Fuck them; hey I am working on another pitch for
my major league tryout. Nobody can hit this
pitch. It is a curveball, slider, knuckleball.
YO YO, hey Stop over at that park so we can throw
a few.
Joe
Show me tomorrow, we don’t have time for that
today. We gotta fly through this job dude, no
messing around. Got it.
Depth
Come on pussy, 10 min.
you?
You got your glove don’t
Joe
Ya I got it, ok 5 min.
EXT. BALLPARK
Joe and Depth pull up to the ballpark and some kids are
playing, they walk up to the field.
Depth
Dudes, hey can we use the mound for a min?
Kids
No we are in the middle of a game, bro
Depth
Come on, I want to show my buddy a new pitch.
11
Kids,
Show us, why don’t you guys play with us?
Depth
You little shits are on. Remember no crying in
baseball puss boys
Joe
Depth we cant we have a job to get too and I have
a party in less than an hour that I have to go
home and get the fam man.
Kids
You guys a bunch of pussys are you afraid?
Joe/Depth
Let’s rock, little shits. You’re going down.
Like the shitstains that you are.
They play the game and they look like a bunch of idiots.
They play for a while, when Joes Cell phone rings. Depth is
pitching and getting rocked by the kids, they are laughing
at him.
Leslie
Where ARE YOU?
Joe
We are working on the job I told you about.
Leslie
Hmm, shit for brains, my sister drove by and saw
you playing baseball with some 10 year olds, you
see monkey boy, there is only one truck in this
city that is painted with glitter the color of
urine and a truck that is held together by
string.
Joe
No way, we are working.
Gotta go
Leslie
You stupid mother@*&^#.
(He Hangs up)
12
INT. NEW DEVELOPMENT
Joey and Depth pull up the new house they are tiling, and
need to finish today.
Joey
Ok let’s go; let’s finish this quick so we can
get paid. OK.
Depth
Joey, I have to take a dump real real bad! I mean
real bad man
Joe
Go ahead, what the fuck you telling me for.
Depth
There is no Porto potty around here man, and the
toilets aren’t in the house yet?
Joe
Can you wait; we don’t have time to leave
Depth
Dude I am going to dute in my pants
Joe
Go down the road to the gas station
Depth
I really got to dute man, hey is that a shoe box?
(long pause) I will use that.
Joe
Are you fucking high! I need more work from this
builder you asswipe!
Depth
Yes I am high, but I have to dute now! (Depth is
sweating) I can’t make it man, my svinktor is
loose from the weed man, and I gotta go bad man!
Depth takes the shoe box and goes into the corner and shits
in the box.
Depth
13
Joey I need toilet paper, I am overflowing the
box dude.
Do you have another box?
Joey
You are a freaking moron dude, what the hell are
you doing, Your shitting in a shoe box, I don’t
have any toilet paper man. And why are you doing
it right in front of me, there are 20 fucking
rooms in this house. I don’t want to watch you
shit.
Depth
Joey what am I going to do, I can close the box
its over the box man, I need toilet paper or a
something! It’s on me and now on the carpet man.
Joey
Bro, I can’t help you. You better clean up I am
not helping you clean yourself you idiot. What is
the fucking matter with you Depth?
Cut to:
As Joe looks out the window the homeowners are coming in to
see the house with their family and the builder.
Joey
Holy shit the owners are coming in, with the
fucking builder man.
Depth
Dude I am not done yet
Joey
You get done NOW!
Depth
I am still going Joey, I can’t stop man.
Joey
There coming up to the front door. Hurry!!
They open the door and all look in at Joey and Depth.
Depth is still shitting in the box. And the family is
horrified. The little kid is laughing and he takes a pic
with his camera phone.
14
Builder
What the hell are you guys doing
Joey
Finishing up the job sir.
Builder
Finishing the JOB! What the hell is he doing?
Depth
You cheap bastard should provide a Porto potty
man. When you have to dute you have to dute!
Builder
Get the hell out of here now. Folks, I am so
sorry, these guys were recommended by one of my
contractors.
Depth pulls up his pants and has shit all over him, and
leaves the box. Joey is horrified and they run out the
door.
Joey
You stupid fucking idiot, we aren’t getting paid
and now this guy will never use us again. You
took a dump in a shoe box man. YOU TOOK A DUMP
IN A SHOE BOX!
Depth
So what, who needs that builder. I feel so much
better Joey. WOW. I think my roommates are
putting exclax in all my food man.
Joey
Leslie is going to kill me.
FUCK
Depth
Blame me
Joey
No shit, Dude you really fucking smell!
Depth
15
Dude I didn’t have any toilet tissue, and he made
me pull up and go. It all over my ass and back
Joey.
Joey
Dude you have shit all over your pants and hands
too.
Depth
What do you want me to do, what would you have
done, hey stop and get me a burrito at tbell
Joey
No way man, Leslie is going to kill me I gotta
get home. My car smells really bad, my eyes are
watering. You are an asshole.
EXT.DEPTHS HOUSE
Joey drops Depth off at home and Depth is high and forgets
he has to clean off, he just sits on the couch watching The
Wizard of Oz and Joey leaves.
EXT. JOEYS HOUSE
Joey gets back home and the family is waiting to go.
Leslie
Your late dumbshit, you went and got high didn’t
you.
Whoa, I smell something, what is that
smell?
Joey
I didn’t get high. you smell Depth.. He shit
himself.
Leslie
That guy is a waste, why the hell do you work
with that loser?
You’re wearing that, you’re a mess you have grout
and dirt all over you; your shoes are a mess.
Clean up!
Joey
16
They don’t care, let’s go.
look fine.
I am hungry and I
INT. RALPHS HOUSE
The day of the party all the family shows up.
and mom come first
Ralph’s dad
Ralph’s dad
Hey it’s really hot in here, why is it so hot in
this house.
Ralph
Cory turned the heat up all the way last night
and it’s taking longer too cool than I expected.
I don’t have a manual on how to cool a house when
the heat is up to 99 for 10 hours straight. The
windows were actually sweating.
Ralph Dad
That kid isn’t the brightest bulb is he?
Ralph
No he takes after his grandfather. By the way, I
have some house paint in a brown if your hair
begins to run (laughs). Do you use Sherwin
Williams?
Ralph’s dad
Is it that noticeable?
Ralph
Only from the satellite camera in space.
Ralph’s Dad
My buddies think it looks good
Ralph
Pop, You sit in a dark bar, with no windows and
smoke all day drinking Busch light. Have they
seen you outside?
Sometimes,
Ralph’s Dad
but they never say anything.
Ralph
17
Are they breathing pop?
Cut To:
Ralph’s dad’s spray on hair is beginning to drip and run
down his neck and forehead.
Joe and Leslie show up next and they trample in without
taking their shoes off, Joey tracks dirt and mud all
through the house, but Ralph is too nice to yell at him.
EXT. FRONT DOOR
Door bell rings and it’s the police at the door. The
neighbors across the street have a video camera and caught
the egging on their video. Ralph answers the door.
Police
Hi are you the homeowner Mr. Naples?
Ralph
Yes
Police
We got a call this morning from your neighbors
across the street. It seems they have video tape
of your son and some friends egging and
vandalizing their house late yesterday evening.
Ralph
What, that cant be. Are you sure? My son was in
the house all night sir.
Police
Yes, they identified him from the tape. They
also have tape of your son yelling out the window
obscenities at him and his wife as well.
Ralph
It’s my daughter’s birthday party,
resolve this?
how do I
Police
They have filed a report and we need you to come
down to the station sometime today or tomorrow
and fill some paperwork out.
18
Ralph
Understood and thank you he will be dealt with
accordingly I can assure you.
Police and Ralph talk for a while then leave.
Ralph’s Wife
What did he do this time?
Ralph
CORY, get up here!
Cory
Ya dad
Ralph
The police were just here and they said the
neighbors have a videotape of you egging their
house.
Cory
Dad we were hanging out downstairs...
Ralph
They Have tape CORY!
Fade to last night Show the video clip of what
happened last night, and tape of Cory yelling hey
Mr. Collins is that a hose or are you happy to
see me.
EXT. LIVING ROOM
Cory
I didn’t do anything; we played videos all night
downstairs like I just said.
Ralph
They have a video camera in front of the house
and caught you guys on tape. I told you to stop
messing with the people across the freaking
street.
Cory
No way dad, we didn’t
19
Ralph
The police don’t lie
Cory
Whatever dad, I didn’t do it
Ralph
Your grounded we will talk about this later when
your sister’s party is over.
Cory walks away, mingles with the family, he goes by his
grandpa and is snickering because he hair is running down
the side of his face and he doesn’t know if.
Joey is
changing his sons diaper in the middle of the living room
and Ralph is cringing.
Joey
Freddie you really did a number on yourself
buddy, Leslie what did you feed him? Little
Freddie you really can fill a diaper
Leslie
What the hell are you doing changing him in the
living room floor for, that is expensive burbar
carpet, do you have any class.
Joey
What, Cory takes this diaper and put it in the
garbage
Cory
No way Uncle Joey I am not touching that.
WAY.
NO
Joey
Cory come on, 5 bucks please Cory.
Cory reluctantly takes the diaper but in his anger takes
the diaper and instead of putting it into the garbage, he
takes it outside and hides it under Leslie and Joe’s
passenger seat in their car. He has the devilish look
while doing it.
They party continues.
Ralph gets a phone call
Rene
Ralphie, you have a phone call
20
Ralph
Who is it honey
Rene
Your boss Mr. Delpino
Ralph walks into his office and sits down.
Mr. Delpino
Naples, its Lou Dalpino
Ralph
Yes Mr. Dalpino, what can I do for you sir?
Mr. Dalpino
I need you to call me at my office in Chicago at
7:30 am tomorrow, need to discuss a few things
about the upcoming sales conf. We need to make
sure you have a handle on a few things as well as
your team. Got it! I would do it now, but I have
a family function to get too.
Ralph
Ok sir is everything ok?
Dalpino hangs up
The party is winding down, and everybody starts to leave,
when all are gone, Ralph looks at his living room carpet,
there are footprints, food stains etc. He shakes his head.
Night time, Ralph is worried about tomorrow because of the
call from Lou Dalpino but his Rene doesn’t want to talk to
him. He goes to bed.
INT. 7 AM CLEVELAND SALES OFFICE
Mr. Delpino calls Ralph on the phone
Lou (forceful)
Hello Lou Delpino
Ralph
21
Hi Mr. Dalpino its Ralph Naples you asked me to
call you.
Lou
Naples I will get right to the point! Your sales
team is a fucking mess, we have a national kick
off meeting in less than two weeks and I am
terrified on how those animals will behave at the
corp. meetings. They are a reflection of you and
more importantly ME. I have too call Mr. Artis
and assure him no antics. And there better be no
antics. Do you remember last years meeting?
Your team is a bunch of Animal house lunatics
that almost had us booted out of the hotel last
year, Do you remember NAPLES!
FADE TO LAST YEAR.
Louring was taking a shower in one of the rooms, two reps
share a room in the corp. kickoff meetings and some of the
rooms where connected.
Lourig gets out of the shower and
the guys break into the bathroom and throw him out into the
hall naked.
Then call the front desk reporting a man
running through the halls naked. Show the scene of chaos
and security trying to catch him. Show families with kids
walking by.
Ralph
Mr. Dalpino, I am doing my best, Our sales
numbers are in the top 2 in the country and have
had many talks with them. If it wasn’t for my
team we wouldn’t be in the top 10.
They are a
bunch that works hard and plays hard. I assure
you they will be on their best behavior.
Lou
We have our monthly conf. call tomorrow with our
region and I will make sure that your team as
well as the entire region is on best behavior at
this kickoff. If not you will be a fucking rep
by the time we get back, if you have a job at
all.
Ralph
22
Understood.
Lou
We have the conf. bridge and make sure the teams
are all on it we will be taking attendance. Did
you fire Sharkey yet?
Ralph
Ok, No I haven’t yet.
Lou
Fire his ass today or your fired got it!
Ralph
Ok, I will handle it.
Ralph Calls Sharkey into his office.
Ralph
Mike, Please have a seat
Sharkey
Ya boss what’s up
Ralph
I am just going to come out with it, I just spoke
to Mr. Delpino and we are going to have to let
you go.
Sharkey
Ok,(laid back) You know why don’t you Ralph? I
have something on Delpino and he is having you do
his dirty work. I don’t have a problem with you
Ralph but rest assured this isn’t done.
You
made my day. CHACHING.
Ralph sits at his desk and lets out a big breath.
Sharkey goes to his desk, ponders and picks up his phone
and dials his greeting on his office phone.
Voicemail
Hi You have reached the desk of Mike Sharkey
Senior account executive with Orion Automation.
(cont)
23
To change your greeting please press 2 now.
the tone please say your greeting.
At
Starkey
Hi this is Orion Office Automation, if you need
any help FUCK OFF. If you are in need of a thief
call Frank Delpino at 370-780-9077. otherwise
you can suck my testicles. Lastly, our products
suck and we lie.
Voicemail
If you’re satisfied with your greeting press one
and hang-up
Sharkey sits and laughs packs his stuff up and heads out
the door.
INT. DAY PITTSBURGH SALES OFFICE
Ralph is in the Cleveland office so the place is a zoo in
pa.
There are 6 reps out of that office a few national
account people and some admin.
Footballs are flying and
pranks are a plenty. Alex and Rosko constantly mess with
Mike Greens office. Mike is a national account rep and he
thinks he is better than the other guys he has his own
office and has the personality of a doorknob.
Alex
Hey Rosko, can you get in Mike Greens office
Rosko
Ya, we taped the side of the door remember? It
prevents anyone from locking it.
Alex,
Ok, I got to piss and Mike’s office is close by.
Rosko
You’re insane, you guys have to stop using his
office as a restroom. The whole office smells
like a god dam sewer
Alex walks into Mike’s office, closes the door and urinates
all over the carpet. The office smells already because
they use it as a restroom. The office is in an old
building and the ventilation is poor to begin with. Also
24
the office has an individual thermostat so they up it to
about 87 degrees.
Alex
Where’s Balsomo?
Rosko
I think in the restroom?
Why?
Alex
Did you put the ketchup under the toilet seat?
Rosko
Is Lourig our whipping boy!
Alex
Its getting close to lunch time, where are the
guys and make sure lourig joins us he is paying.
Big A,
shakes
money,
around
Rosko
we need to lighten up on Lourig, the kid
around the office, he doesn’t have much
and is the only guy who actually works
here.
Alex
Come on its our form of hazing, he knows we love
him.
I tell him all the time if we didn’t love
him we would ignore him, or treat him like we
treat Green.
Rosko
Dude, cut him some slack. Ok?
Alex
Who runs this place!
Rosko
You Do!
Alex
Exactly, get those lazy bastard so we can eat.
Balsomo walks in from the restroom with ketchup all over
the back of his pants and doesn’t know it.
Balsomo
25
Hey where is Ralph today?
Alex
Cleveland, I just pissed in Mike’s office again
Balsomo
You should have told me before I used what’s
called a restroom instead.
Rosko walks back from making phone calls to the guys
Rosko
Jonesey, Norris and Koos were home sleeping.
woke them up and there are on the way.
I
Alex
Where is Lourig?
Rosko
He is at his desk making sales calls. The poor
bastard.
Alex walks by his cubicle peeks over the cubicle, tiptoes
away and gets a glass of water. He returns back and throws
the water over the cubicle and hits Lourig in the face,
then runs off.
Lourig
Who did that, goddammit, was that you Moranis. I
hate you fucking assholes
Lourig gets up looks around and goes out to the restroom to
clean himself off.
As he leaves he leaves his pc unlocked, Alex and Rosko
sneak up to the computer. They see the regional email that
Lou Delpinos secretary sent out to the entire region about
tomorrows conf. call.
Alex and Rosko look at each other
and hit reply all.
Rosko
Alex this is bad, don’t write anything obscene
you will get him fired.
Alex
26
Relax.
Alex
(Typing)
I want to congratulate myself and find all my female
employees attractive especially Jim and I love to say the
word Titillate. Can you email me something titillating? I
am the egg man kookoocatchu.
Rosko
What the hell does that mean?
Alex
I wanted to write my peepee hurts but this is
weird enough but he can’t get fired. Hurry find
the sent file and delete it so he doesn’t know we
sent it.
Rosko
Done, here he comes
Lourig
What are you guys doing by my desk
Alex
Just looking for you sunshine, we are taking you
to lunch my little beatch.
Lourig
Really, you guys never take me to lunch. And HEY
who took my fiancés picture and put a penis
coming out of her mouth? If they ever get
cameras in this place your all fired.
Alex
Louring, come on relax, we are a family. It was
Green he hates you and thinks your use his office
like a restroom.
The cell phone of Alex rings and its Jason his former
college football buddy who is a sales rep making big money
for a consulting firm, He is huge and takes steroids and
brags about it.
He is fearless and hangs with the guys.
What up A.
Jason
You guys going to lunch
Alex
27
Ya, we are meeting at the sports zone at 11am,
Lourig is paying
Jason
That kid doesn’t have any scratch, PERFECT.
Alex
Exactly, out my brotha.
Alex, and Rosko call Al Canneli the rep in Cleveland that
is a dumb balding no humored twit that they also torment.
They call to check up on him and if he has seen Ralph and
constantly torture him remotely.
Alex
Remember what we did to Al a few months ago?
Rosko
That was classic stuff.
EXT. FLASHBACK
Jason pretended to be Kevin Artis the Big top dog of the
company’s sales organization.
Jason called Al pretending
to be Kevin Artis while the guys listened on mute.
Al
Hello this is Al Canneli
Jason (pretending to be Kevin Artis)
Hi Al, this is Kevin Artis from corp.
Al
Oh, um (nervousness) hello sir, how can I help
you?
Jason
Al, I am calling because of your performance of
late.
Al
Ooh, ok. (Gulp)
Jason
28
You’re an embarrassment to the company and if you
don’t turn things around, I will have no choice
but to fire you.
Al
Sir, I have been working extremely.
Jason (interrupts)
Al Excuses are like assholes everybody has them.
Al
No excuse sir
Jason
Good, I want a report of your activity emailed to
me by Friday, with an apology for your failure to
meet min. standards. You got that.
Al
Yes sir.
Jason
Good and bababoey to all of you.
Al
What sir
Jason
Hang up the phone and sell goddammit!
Fade back to the guys in pa.
They all head over to lunch
which typically lasts a few hours.
Ralph calls Alex
Ralph
Hey Alex, how are you today? How do things look
the rest of the month? I need to get a forecast
from you and the guys on how you will end up this
month by close of business.
Alex
Great, made about 20 cold calls and have a few
appts to get too. I will get that too you and
will save you a call, I will have Mallory get out
to the guys to do the same.
Ralph
29
Good, listen Alex don’t forget about the call
tomorrow with Delpino. I also need your numbers
he is coming down hard. We have a good few
months, but we are not looking to well this
month. Kick it up a notch PLEASE.
Alex
Wouldn’t miss it for the world. I will do my
best and I know the guys are out busting it for
you and the team.
Cut to:
The guys hooting and hollering at the sports bar.
Ralph
Have you seen the other guys?
Alex
There all sleeping, just kidding. They are
out of the office, I called into the office
and talked to Malory and she said nobody was
in there.
Ralph
Have you seen Lourig?
Alex
No why?
Ralph
I received a very weird email from him that
he sent to everyone, and Delpinos secretary
sent a nasty email back.
Alex
Wow, what did it say?
Ralph
Never mind, if you see him tell him I need
to talk to him
Alex
Got it boss, when you coming out to P.A.?
Ralph
30
In a few days. I have a few meetings in
Cleveland and have to get some stuff to
Delpino or he will have my balls in a vice
if you know what you mean.
Alex
I don’t know how you put up with that
sneaky, squirmy sob. Nobody likes him or
trusts him. He is a buffoon in front of
clients as well.
EXT. FLASHBACK
Fade to a presentation that Lou did with some big shots in
an account a few months back where he made a spectacle of
himself.
Ralph
He isn’t all bad, but I know what your
saying. Alright I gotta go, make sure
Mallory gets to the troupes ok. See you in
pa sometime soon.
Alex
Ok Boss be good.
Give a kiss to Canelli.
Ralph
Hey by the way, I hope its not you guys
messing with Al. He is trying real hard and
I know some of the stuff I hear somebody or
some people doing to him, though somewhat
funny. He is going to need mental help if
it keeps up.
Alex
We love that bald bastard. We would never
mess with him.
Ralph
Somebody sent flowers to Delpino that read
Mr. Delpino I treasure you and what you
offer to all of us.
Forever yours A
Canneli.
Alex
31
No way.
INT. DELPINOS OFFICE
Mr. Delpino receiving the flowers and the card, in his
office and losing his cool.
Ralph
Delpino went crazy, also someone is sending
roses to the secretary and leaving very
naughty messages pretending to be canelli.
Please if you know who is doing this stuff
help me out Alex.
Alex hangs up and joins the guys at lunch where they joke,
laugh, flirt, and drink a few beers.
.
Alex
Lourig Ralph said stop calling him so much.
thinks your trying to kiss ass
He
Lourig
Oh, he said that. Why would he tell you that?
Alex
Ya, chill on all the calls to him.
pissed
He is pretty
They wait for Lourig to go to the restroom when he does;
they all leave him with the bill
INT. PA OFFICE AFTERNOON
Mike Green walks into his office
Mike
(angry)
Holy shit, this office smells
Mike calls Mallory on the phone
Mike
Mallory, my door lock is broken again, and my
office smells like cats.
Mallory
32
Mike I don’t know, nobody has been in there, I
make sure of it.
Mike
Sure you do, those asswipes are fucking with my
office I know it.
Mallory
No Mike, I will get some air freshener
Mike
Get it right now, goddammit.
INT. LUNCHTIME
The guys get back from lunch and see Mike Greens car in the
parking lot.
They have made a duplicate key of Mike’s
months ago and get in his car and move it to the handicap
spot. They then call the police and report mikes car.
INT. LATE AFTERNOON
Mike leaves at his normal time 3:45 pm, which pisses the
guys off. He walks out and sees his car in the handicapped
spot; he shakes his head and sees a ticket on the car. He
losses his mind and starts swearing under his breath.
Mallory keeps Mikes schedule and the guys call his appts
and either reschedules them or cancels them and Mike has
the feeling he is getting Alzheimer’s.
These pranks are
played out at various times throughout the movie.
INT. AFTERNOON CLEVELAND
Ralph is driving in his car to his son Cory’s football
game. The phone rings in his car
Ralph
Good afternoon this is Ralph
Rene
Ralph, where are you
Ralph
I am heading to Cory’s football game
Rene
33
You were supposed to take him to the game
Ralph
I had a late meeting, sorry baby
Rene
Well he is upset and we are running late, we will
see you there. Can you do anything right Ralph?
Ralph
Honey, you’re a stay at home mom, I have to work
you know and cant drop everything
Rene
Whatever Ralph see you in a bit
Ralph
Love you
Rene hangs up
Ralph shows up to Cory’s game and sits down next to his
Rene as they watch Cory play ball. She looks annoyed and
doesn’t really say much to him.
Ralph
Honey what’s wrong
Rene
Nothing
Ralph
Seriously, your cold to me all the time and I
can’t win with you
Rene
I must be going through a phase, just watch the
game.
Ralph watches Cory play ball and have a tantrum on the
field. He notices a dad named Mr. James and his wife
making eye contact a few times, but doesn’t put much
thought into it.
34
The game ends and Ralph waits for Cory so he can take him
home. After the coach talks to the players, Cory and Ralph
head home.
Ralph
Good game Cory, you need to watch your temper on
the field bud.
Cory
Sorry dad but I hate to mess up.
Ralph
Buddy that happens to the best of them, you need
to not let them see you sweat. That’s the sign
of a great player.
Cory
Ya I know, thanks for coming dad, I didn’t know
if you were going to take me and when I came home
from school and saw Mr. James leaving the house I
thought he might be taking me to the game. I
don’t like him.
Ralph
Huh, Mr. James was at the house today?
Cory
Ya, I got a ride home from Danny’s brother and he
was just leaving. I thought he was taking me to
the game. I hate him and his son. That’s way I
wanted mom to call you.
Ralph
No problem buddy, I was in a late meeting but
would never miss a game.
Cory
I know pop.
Ralph now is daydreaming about what the hell is going on
with his Rene and Mr. James. He thinks of all kinds of
scenarios that run through his head.
(Daydreaming Sequence)
Scene one His wife and him doing it on his bed.
going at it.
They are
35
Scene two His wife and him doing it in the tub
Ralph and Cory pull up to the house and get out and walk
into the house.
Ralph
Honey can you come in here
Rene
Ya Ralph
Ralph
Is everything good with us
Rene
Yes why
Ralph
Cory said Mr. James was here today when he came
home early from school.
Rene
Yes he came by to ask what field the game was at.
I was out getting the mail and he came up real
quick.
Ralph
Ohh,
hmm ok.
Rene
Why what are you getting at Ralph.
Ralph
Nothing honey, nothing.
The Naples sit down and have dinner as a family and chit
chat about their days etc. After dinner, they watch some
TV and then Ralph goes to his office to catch up on some
emails then goes to bed.
INT.EVENING KOVACH HOUSE
36
Joe and Leslie meet their new neighbors. Joe and Leslie
live in a small house in a neighborhood and area that is
all white. There neighbors are black and Joey and Leslie
are upset. The neighbors come over.
Joey
Hi neighbors I am Joey and this is Leslie and
alexa
Neighbor
Hi I am John and this is my wife Livonia, my sons
John and Demetrius.
They come in and sit down in the Kovachs living room.
small talk and get to know one another.
They
Alexa
Hey Daddy Nigga, I am going in my room
Joey
Alexa what the hell did you say
Alexa
Shut up Nigga Joe
Alexa runs off to her room and the families just stare at
one another.
Neighbor
Where does your daughter get such language
Joey
My wife Dude
Leslie
Are you nuts Joey, you’re the one who talks like
this. You swear and stuff and she picks that shit
up
Joey
Whatever Leslie
The neighbors get up and leave abruptly
37
INT. NEXT MORNING
Ralph gets up early and does his daily routine, he gets in
his car and starts his 35 min drive to work. All the while
thinking about Mr. James and his wife. As he drives he
spills coffee all over himself.
Ralph to himself
Great, goddammit this is going to be a great day.
INT. 8AM PA OFFICE
All the Pittsburgh sales guys and Malory who is being boned
by most of them joins them for the conf. call with Delpino.
Lou Is responsible for 7 states and all of the teams will
be on remotely for the monthly conf. call.
They all dial
into a conf. bridge and wait for the call to start. Always
Pittsburgh makes the call fun. Lourig dials in from his
desk because they usually are the torturing him and he
likes to actually listen to the call.
Lou's secretary
We are about to start the call after roll
call please put your phones on mute until
you have a question.
Lou
Good Morning everyone,
All
Good Morning
Lou
That was weak, GOOD MORNING everyone
All
Good morning
Lou
Detroit you on the call
Detroit
Yes, clapping, yelling
38
Lou
Cincinnati
Cinci
Yes
Pittsburgh
Fart noise, Yes
Etc. etc.
Lou
I want to welcome everyone to our monthly
recognition and upcoming events call for the
month. We have a lot to get too so lets
begin.
I want to first discuss our
upcoming yearly national Kickoff meeting in
Arizona.
While Lou is talking rosko dials into the conf. call on his
cell phone and walks into the restroom and starts to flush
the toilet over and over again.
Lou
Who is doing that, whoever is doing that
please stop.
The guys start to call Lourigs office phone and then conf
it into the call. They then call sharkeys number who was
fired and play his message twice.
As Lou is talking this is what you hear.
Voicemail
Hi this Is Timothy lourig I am away from my desk
but please leave a message and I will return your
call as soon as possible.
The guys do this over and over again. Then they call Al
Cannelis phone and do the same. Finally, they turn the mute
function on the phone, but nobody can now ask questions.
Lou
We will find out who is doing this and they
will be dealt with
There will be no fun
and games, no pranks at the conf. You will
39
all conduct yourselves like professionals,
if there is any foul play it is grounds for
immediate termination.
The call goes for a while, then ends and the guys joke
around. Lou calls Ralph after the call
Lou
I know it was those fuckers goofing around
on the call
Ralph
I don’t know, but I will look into it.
Lou
Your ass is mine if I catch them.
were calling your reps numbers
They
Ralph
I will get to the bottom of it sir
Lou
I would get your resume together Naples
Ralph sits at his desk and just stares out into space. He
is in a fog and starts to day dream-dream. Into his office
walks one of the office secretaries.
Office secretary
Ralph, you ok
Ralph
Ahh, ya, I am ok
Office Secretary
You look like your going to cry
Ralph
No I am ok, what can I do for you
Office Secretary
The school called and wanted you to call them
right away.
40
Ralph
Thanks, do you know what school and what kid?
Office Secretary
Your son’s school
Ralph
Ok, thanks
Ralph calls the school and gets the asst. principal on the
phone.
Ralph
Good morning this is Cory Naples dad
School
Good morning Mr. Naples, We called because your
son Cory shaving creamed a class room
Ralph
Huh, what
School
Your son Cory shaving creamed a classroom
Flashback: To Cory, having an album cover filled with
shaving cream and he stomped on it and shaving cream went
flying everywhere.
Ralph
I got that, why, who, what the hell did he do
that for.
School
Mr. Naples he claimed that his buddies bet him he
wouldn’t
Ralph
Ok what do I do
School
Cory will be suspended for two days.
Ralph
Did you call home and talk to my wife
41
School
Yes we called their first but nobody answered.
Ralph
Ok, I will take him home.
Ralph waits for Cory to come out and he and Cory walk to
his car.
Ralph
Cory what is wrong with you boy
Cory
Dad, they bet me 30 dollars I wouldn’t do it.
Ralph
Ok, so your willing to get suspended for 30 bucks
Cory
New madden 2005 is out and I needed another 30 to
get it.
Ralph
Well you won’t be playing Madden until 2015.
Cory
Dad come on, you did funny stuff in school, and
Uncle Joey always does crazy things. Hey dad
remember when Joey and me and you went to pick up
pizza a week ago.
INT. PIZZA PARLOR FLASHBACK
Joey going in the back door and saying he works here and
took about 5 pies from the back door.
Ralph
Ya Cory what’s your point
Cory
That was funny, dad you should have seen the
shaving cream all over the place.
42
Ralph
Your mom is going to kill you, by the way where
is your mom do you know.
Cory
Nope, I don’t pop.
They pull up to the house and nobody is there. Ralph comes
inside and waits for His wife to get home. He doesn’t want
to leave Cory by himself. He fixes himself some food.
Rene
Hey what are you doing home?
Ralph
Your son, he was suspended for a prank.
Rene
What did he do?
Ralph
I will let him tell you, by the way where were
you?
Rene
Uh, um I was out shopping
Ralph
For what?
Rene
Why the interrogation
Ralph
No interrogation, just curious
Rene
For you, getting you something for your trip
Ralph
What did you get?
Rene
I couldn’t find anything.
43
Cory walks in to the room
Rene
Cory what happened
Cory
Just a prank, I am sorry
Rene
Well your grounded bub.
Cory
Ok
Cory walks out of the room
Rene
You still heading out of town this week
Ralph
Yes, why
Rene
Just wondered.
Ralph.
Ok, gotta go back to work.
EXT. RALPHS CAR
Ralph sits and daydreams about his wife and what she is up
too. He drives back to work and calls a buddy of his.
Ralph
Hey Marky, how are you
Marky
Hey Ralphie, what’s going on my friend
Ralph
Hey I need a favor
Marky
Anything, something wrong.
Ralph
I don’t know, but want piece of mind.
44
Marky
Anything buddy
Ralph
Can you follow my wife for a few days while I am
out of town.
Marky
Oh, ya sure buddy. Why what is going on, or what
do you think is going on.
Ralph
Hopefully nothing, but I just have that feeling
Marky
Oh, that feeling, ya I have many tell me that
feeling.
Ralph
I will pay whatever you think is necessary
Marky
Your money is no good here my friend. I will
handle it. And Update you when you get back.
INT. LATE AFTERNOON
Joey and Depth are at Lowes buying some product for a job
they are doing. They are putting bags of cement in a cart.
As always being watched by the employees. Joey and depth
due a lot of shopping at the store.
Employee
Guys why do you always take the ripped bags and
have it leak all over the place.
Depth
Because its cheaper.
Employee
No its not
Joey
Oh, thanks dude.
45
Joey and Depth go up and pay for the product and load it
into the truck, as they pull out one of the companies tow
motors rams into the car. In the parking lot.
Depth
Joey that was awesome, we are millionaires
Joey
Oh man that hurt, I am hurt dude.
My neck.
Depth
Ya your neck, oh my neck too man.
Joey
Really man I am hurt.
The driver of the tow motor comes up the car and looks in.
Tow motor driver
Hey guys you ok, I didn’t see you, I am so sorry.
Depth
You better be you asshole, we have internal
organs and they are bleeding all over the place.
Joey
Would you shut up depth.
I am hurt man
Tow motor operator
Should I call an ambulance, I better get my
manager.
The tow motor guy goes in and calls the police and they
come out to look at the scene.
Police pull up to the scene.
Officer
Hi Guys are you ok.
Depth
No we are not ok, I have internal bleeding bad.
Joey
I am a bit stiff man
46
Officer
Can you tell me what happened?
Tow motor operator
I was pulling around and we ran into each other.
Joey
No dude you ran into us, and I am hurting.
Officer
Is that true.
Tow motor operator
Well kind of
Officer
Kind of or yes
Tow motor operator
Yes
Officer
We will have to go in and get the tape of the
parking lot and review it, in
In the meantime do you need any medical care? We
need to ask some more questions and fill out a
report. You sir will be sighted for fail to
control your machinery. Once we get all this
complete you two gentleman can be on your way.
Depth
We are suing everyone.
Joey
Shut up man, ok.
They fill out paperwork and go on their way.
In the truck.
Joey
My truck is all messed up Depth
Depth
Your truck is shit man, you will be able to buy a
hummer man.
47
Joey
What are you talking about.
Depth
You are hurt you need to get worse and get to a
hospital. Lets get to your house and strategize
with your little wifey.
Joey and Depth drive to Joey’s house to talk to Leslie.
They walk inside.
Leslie
Joey what is depth doing in my house?
Joey
Les, hey I got hit by an employee at lowes and he
was in the wrong. What Should I do?
Leslie
Wow, ok let’s call the doctor and get you in to
see him.
Depth
What about me I am hurt too
Leslie
I hope you die, hows that
Depth
Come on Leslie help me too.
Leslie
Joey get him out of here.
Leslie talks to the doctor and they devise there plan to go
after Lowes and make some cash.
Leslie also calls an
attorney and sets up a meeting to discuss Joey’s situation.
Attorney’s office
Good afternoon Scott Carpenters office
48
Leslie
Hi, My husband was hurt by an employee at lowes
store and is needing legal advice.
Attorney’s office
Ok, let me take some information down so I can
relay it to Mr. Carpenter
Leslie
Ok, what do you want to know.
Attorney’s office
Just information, on the time, place, your name
and as much details as you can give me. Can I
speak to your husband or where you there as well?
Leslie
I wasn’t there but my husband is not a very good
communicator.
Attorney’s office.
Oh ok, very well. But Mr. Carpenter is going to
need to talk to your husband directly.
They talk some more and then the secretary gets the
attorney on the phone.
Attorney
Hi Scott Carpenter, Hi Mrs. Kovach. I have
gotten the information and I would like you both
to come in tomorrow.
Leslie
Ok, we can come in around 11am
Attorney
Perfect, do you have our address
Leslie
Yes, we will be there.
Leslie hangs up and instructs Joey what he will say and do.
They argue
49
Leslie
Ok Joey, listen up this is what you are going to
say or I am going to have
To talk for you and you will look like a retard.
Joey
Whatever Leslie. I was there remember?
Leslie
Yes you where there in body, but your mind is
that of a 3 year old.
Joey
Ok, genius what are we doing?
Leslie
Ok, first your going to really hurt tonight and
tomorrow its going to get Worse, we are also
going to the doctor tonight. Your not working
either.
Joey
I have jobs to do tomorrow, I pay the bills
remember?
Leslie
Ya I know look at our palace.
tomorrow off. Got it.
Your taking
Joey
Whatever
They talk some more and get ready to go to the Dr. Office
INT. JOEYS HOUSE EVENING
There is a knock at the door. Its Joeys friend Cripple
Joey (answers the door)
Cripple what’s up, what are you doing here,
Leslie doesn’t want you to come around dude.
50
Cripple
Hey I just bought a car from a guy down the block
for $300 dollars and I wanted to show you it.
Joey
Ok, let me get some shoes on.
Cripple
Hey I also stopped and got a case of little kings
to celebrate with you.
Joey
Dude, Leslie isn’t in a good mood.
Cripple
Come on man, I haven’t been over in ages.
Joey gets his shoes on and he hears Leslie yelling at him.
They walk out to the car.
Joey
Hey Cripple where are your license plates
Cripple
Huh
Joey
License plate, you have no fucking plates.
Cripple
Oh fuck, hey can I borrow one of yours, you have
two.
Joey
Can I do that?
Cripple
Sure, why not, you still have one.
Joey
Man, I will have to ask Leslie
Cripple
Joey, she will say no man.
51
Joey
Come on in man, let’s drink.
of shit by the way.
The car is a piece
Cripple
It has character, $300 bucks you can’t go wrong
Joey.
They walk in and Cripple brings in a case of Little Kings
beer. He sits down at the table and opens up some beers for
him and Joey. Leslie walks in.
Leslie
What is the thing doing in my house? Joey!
Joey
Cripple bought a new car and wanted to show me.
Leslie
You losers are going to get drunk and sit in here
all night. Joey why are you clipping your toe
nails in the kitchen in front of Cripple. Are
you insane?
Joey
Hey Sweetie, Cripple doesn’t have license plates;
he wanted to borrow one of mine, since I have
two. What do you think?
Leslie
What do I think; I think you have the IQ of a two
year old. Your license plate is tied to your car
morons.
Leslie Looks out the window at the car.
Leslie
You don’t think if the cops see him driving that
car they won’t pull him over, then your plate
comes up. Joey just put a bullet in my head
already. End my misery please. You better not
drink you have a meeting tomorrow. REMEMBER!
Leslie storms off and Joey and Cripple finish off the case.
INT. Fast-Forward.
52
Cripple is past out and Joey is trying to wake him up
Joey
Cripple wake up man you gotta go
Cripple
Joey let me sleep here.
Joey
You have to go NOW.
Cripple
Ok Ok, dude where am I going to go, can I sleep
in the car in your driveway since I don’t have
any plates. Come on man.
Joey
Dude its late, you gotta go, you drove without
them so far. RIGHT!
Cripple
Ok, but I am hammered Joey. Some buddy?
Joey
Get out dude
Cripple walks out the door, and goes in his car, and backs
out. Cripple pulls into the next door neighbor’s driveway.
The black neighbors that moved in. He pulls up in the
driveway and turns the car off and passes out.
EXT. FIVE HOURS LATER.
The next door neighbor pulls her car into her driveway. She
works second shift and pulls into her driveway right behind
Cripples car.
She gets out and looks in
Neighbor
(SCREAMS)
Her lights go on and Joey and Leslie wake up as well. They
run outside to see what is going on.
53
Neighbor
Honey call the cops, I think this guy is dead.
Joey
Whoa, it’s Cripple
Neighbor
He is crippled
Joey
NO it’s my friend Cripple; I have no idea why he
is in your driveway. I am sorry. Let me get him
out of here.
Joey opens the door and wakes him up; he realizes that
Cripple lost control of his bowels and bladder.
Joey
Holy shit, he pissed and shit himself.
Leslie (Shouting)
Get him out of here Joey. NOW.
Joey wakes up Cripple and after much negotiating Cripple
finally drives off and out of their view.
EXT. WAPAKANETA, OHIO 7 AM.
Its 3 degrees outside, a cold front hit late last night.
Bob Willus is a Technical guy who goes on big appointments
with the team when they need him; he is out of town with
the Ohio team on a big presentation for a client they are
trying to sell.
Bob Reports to Ralph and is so
knowledgeable that he gets a lot of slack for his behavior.
Eric is the Ohio national account rep. He is a respected
guy who is honest and successful.
Bob is in his room when he realizes there is a problem, he
calls Eric’s room
Bob
Hey Eric, we have a problem
54
Eric
What’s wrong?
Bob
When I packed last night, I packed the wrong
suit.
Eric
Ok, just where what you have Bobby.
Bob
That’s the problem, I think it’s the wrong suit
with the wrong pants, they looked the same last
night, and the other problem is they fit when I
weighed about 30 lbs lighter.
Eric
30 lbs lighter that was 2 months ago you fat
bastard.Bob you gotta were it, we have to go, do
you have the projection box
Bob
Ya it’s in my car
Eric
What, its zero degrees outside, it froze probably
you dumb ass
Bob
Oh, I will go get it.
Eric
Ya good idea, I will meet you at the car in 15
min.
They go out to the car and Eric is horrified.
Bob’s suit
is way too small and he looks like he is going to explode.
Eric
Your pants look like they are spandex, your suit
is brown and your pants are green. Are you
fucking blind?
55
Bob
I had beers last night and forgot to pack until
the last minute.
Eric
You look ridiculous, do you have anything else?
Bob
I just brought this suit and my crazy horse
sweatpants.
Eric
How does the projection machine look? Dude this
is a huge meeting what cant you do the simple
things right!
Bob
It’s frozen, I can’t open it.
Eric
Fuck, let’s go. Maybe it will thaw.
They drive to the appt together and Eric is livid. They
get to the meeting and it is a large manufacturing company.
They are presenting to about 15 high ranking members of the
firm.
The secretary walks them back to the conf. room and
all the staff is already there.
Even though it is cold,
bob is sweating profusely from his way too tight outfit.
As they walk through the doors all eyes fixate on Bob.
Eric is dressed professionally and looks great.
They
start to whisper and laugh a bit. Bob and Eric set up for
the presentation. The projector is not working, but
finally they get it going. As bob sits down to set up his
computer, he explodes out of his pants.
INT. PA SALES OFFICE AFTERNOON
Alex and Rosko are waiting for Norris to go into the
restroom. He usually takes a dump about the same time each
day. They have plugged the toilet up as well as rigged the
toiled to shoot out water when he flushes it. They have
also locked him in.
56
Norris does his business and flushes and water is
everywhere, it is overflowing, and it’s a mess. He is
pounding at the door but can’t get out, finally he gets out
and what a mess.
Norris
Those shitheads, you stupid mother&#^(
Meanwhile Brian Jones the pa. office computer geek has
gotten Al Canneli’s password and has logged into his
computer from his laptop.
He has found Als resume and
forwards it to all the guys. Meanwhile Koosman is sending
nasty funny emails to Jonesy.
Jonesy
Hey Koos, you can’t send that shit on the network
you ass.
Koos
What do you mean?
Jonesy
They watch the network, and you can’t send that
stuff over the corp. email. You can get fired.
Koos
I send all kinds of shit out.
Jones
You better stop, that what you do on other
peoples pc’s when they leave it unlocked.
Jones
Get a hold of Alex I have Canneli’s resume lets
have some fun.
Koos
Oh ya!
The guys get together and call Jason on the phone with the
plan to mess with Al.
Alex
Jason we need you to play a recruiter, it looks
like Al has put his resume out there and might be
looking for a job.
57
Jason
Ok, let’s think about how we will do this.
Alex
Call him and set something up tomorrow we can
call him from the conf. room, I just need to make
sure our boss isn’t in pa tomorrow.
Jason
Let me know and I will set it up.
Alex calls Ralph
Alex
Hey Ralph, did you call me
Ralph
No.
Alex
Oh, while I have you, when you coming out to see
us again?
Ralph
Later this week, we will all sit down and discuss
the sales kickoff meeting.
I hear Ditka is
going to be the guest speaker.
Alex
Great, let us know when you set it up
Ralph
Hey Alex do you know who was messing around
on the conf. call with Delpino
Alex
No, I took the call from the road, I was in
between appts.
Ralph
Ok, see you later.
Alex calls Jason
58
Alex
Jason we are on. Call Al and set it up for
tomorrow, let’s meet for beers tonight and
come over to see my new home gym.
I am
having the guys over for a few.
Jason
Cool
Jason calls al and sets up the phone interview for
tomorrow.
Jason
Hi is this Mr. Canoli
Al
It’s Canneli
Jason
Oh Sorry
Al
Who is this?
Jason
My name is Carlton Jones and I received your
resume, we have a medical position available
that I am working on for my client
Al
Oh wow, yes I posted my resume. But I really
can’t talk here.
Jason
I would like to do a phone interview with
you tomorrow at 9am. What number should I
call you at tomorrow?
Al
How bout my home number it is 216-432-7903
Jason
Very well I will phone you tomorrow at 9 am.
Al
Great, can I do any?
Jason Hangs up
59
Jason calls Alex and says it’s on.
Alex
Hey come over all the guys are coming over
tonight for beers and looking at my new gym.
INT. EVENING
The guys come over and are throwing a few down and go to
the new home gym of Alex’s
Alex
Hey Lourig try the bench
Lourig goes over to the bench and begins to bench press,
Alex drops his pants and t bags him. Lourig puts the bar
back and screams at him
Lourig
You fucking asshole, you put your sack on my face
Alex
Were they soft?
Lourig
You’re an asshole Moranis
The guys hang around and shoot the breeze then plot
tomorrows attack on Canneli.
Norris
Hey guys it’s almost the end of the month and our
numbers suck
Jones
Don’t sweat it we will hit our mark. We need to
make Ralph look good, he is a pretty good manager
and gives us our space.
Alex
Could you imagine reporting to that little fuck
Delpino, he hounds Ralph but fortunately he
doesn’t micro manage us like he does him.
60
Koos
Hey I have a tape I made of me banging Malory do
you guys want to watch it?
Alex
That’s kind of gay but yes, Lourig you better go
this is for adults
Jones
How did you tape that without her knowing?
Koos
Who said she didn’t know.
They guys watch the tape and are amazed at her body and
make the normal guy comments, Jones has the idea of taking
the tape and copying it so he can have it and put it on the
company website as a link. He is pretty technical.
Alex
switches the tape once they are done and koos is clueless
that it was switched.
INT. MORNING PA SALES OFFICE
The guys are in the conf. room planning the interview, with
ideas and how it will play out.
Alex
First of all we have Als home number, that is
gold baby secondly we need to find a way to get
him to drive out of state.
Rosko
How bout we get him to meet with Delpino
some how?
Alex
Genius, but how?
Jones
I will take care of that part
Jason
What company am I representing?
Alex
Use a big name pharmaceutical company, guys
don’t fuck around, the goal is for Al to
61
believe this and have him drive or fly to
Chicago for the interview.
Koos
Make him drive farther
Alex
Shut the fuck up
The guys
Jones is
sex tape
with the
go into the conf. room and make the phone call.
also logged into the network and is putting the
of balsamo and Malory on the company’s web page
link that reads. New product free trial.
Jason (phone)
Hi Al this is Charlton Jones, do you have
some time to talk
Al
Yes
Jason
Al this is a phone interview to screen
candidates for a face to face interview next
week. I have narrowed my search and really
like your resume. The goal is to have 3
solid candidates go to a face to face. How
does that sound?
Al
That sounds great, what company is it
Jason
Whoa! your getting the cart before the
horse, we will get into all that soon
enough.
Al
Ok, sorry
Jason
This is a medical device company; they are a
fortune 200 company and are the leader in
their industry. The base salary is 90k with
an income potential of 150k. You receive a
62
company car and sizable expense allowance.
You would be replacing a rep who was
promoted to a position on the west coast.
It is a very solid company who likes people
from your industry.
How does that sound?
Al
That sounds wonderful
Jason
Ok, tell me about yourself
Al
Professionally or personally
Jason
Both, can you think on your feet?
about your professional career.
Tell me
Al
Well I have been with my current company for
about 2 years
Jason
Why are you leaving?
Al
I am limited in my upward growth
Jason
Hmm, so your not promote able
Al
No that’s not what I am saying
Jason
How are you perceived in the company?
Al
Very well
Jason
Talk about your accomplishments
63
Al
I have won several awards, and am a top
producer
Jason
If I asked your boss about you what would he
say?
Al
I am one of the best reps on his team
Jason
If you were a flower what would you be?
Al
Huh
Jason
Answer the question
Al
What kind of question is that
Jason
I want to see how quick you are, the job
requires quick decisions
Al
dandelion
Jason
Interesting choice, good answer. That shows
sensitivity.
Jason
Three words to describe you professionally?
Al
Driven, motivated and professional
Jason
Hmm, professional, you plagiarized my
question? Do you know what I would have
said? Dainty, Lazy and shiftless. (LAUGHS
LIKE HE IS INSANE)
64
Jason
Favorite color
Al
Blue
Jason
You have done this before huh Al
Al
No, it’s kind of weird
Jason
Are you saying my questions are weird?
Al
No sir
Jason
Cat, bird, mouse who is the better sales
person
Al
Huh, ahh, Bird
Jason
Wow, I thought you would struggle with that
one.
Jason
What are you most proud of professionally
Al
Most improved award
Jason
So you were bad and improved
Al
Ah, no just a nice award for great
improvement.
Jason
If you’re the best there’s no improvement
65
Jason
Why would I ask you to the next step?
Al
Rambles on not making much sense.
Jason
I have to tell you I am very impressed with
you ability to hang with me. My client and
I have been working together for 14 years.
I am tough but they trust me completely. Al
I want you to interview next Tuesday in
Chicago, My secretary will give you the
details. You fly you pay and we will
reimburse, you drive, keep receipts.
Al
Wow, really that sounds too good
Jason
You doubting me, I have 20 other candidates
that would give their right arm for this
chance.
Al
No sir, ok
Jason
I need an email address other than your
companies, I don’t believe in sending out
info on your corp. email.
Al
Ok, I understand
Jason
You will receive an email with the details,
directions as well as what to wear and what
to bring.
Al
Ok
Jason
It’s been a pleasure; if you get the job I
will fly to Cleveland and take you and your
66
family out to dinner.
policy.
That is company
Al
Wow, that would be very nice.
Jason
Alright then good luck Al, I will call you
after the interview.
They hang up and the guys are loving it. Jones has secured
it so that Mr. Delpino will be at the same place at the
same time.
Mr. Delpino is a pussy hound and Jones has
worked his magic to ensure the two will meet up.
Jones
Do you realize we have Als home number, his
home email account and all his relevant
information!
Alex
What are you saying Jonesy
Jones
I am saying Al needs to have his own
personnel ad that is what I am saying.
Alex
Jonesy, you fat bastard you’re a genius
Jonesy
What are my limits?
Alex
There are no limits, its time for lunch, and
we need to get our plans final for the
kickoff meeting, I need to call Bob in
Detroit.
Jones is finalizing the corp. web site and soon the sex
tape will be linked for all the world to see, he has also
put Als personal ad together and will have it complete to
read at lunch to the guys
INT. LUNCHTIME AT COOKERS
67
All the guys are there except Lourig, they don’t invite him
when they have very bad things to discuss, he tells on
them.
Koos isn’t there as well for obvious reasons.
Jones
Ok, just want to review Als personnel ad
before I put it out on yahoo.
Alex
Go ahead
Jones
I am a 33 year old muscular very bi curious
married man, my wife and I swing and will
try anything once. I am into bondage, toys
and anal both giving and receiving. Nothing
is too kinky; I have defecated on my
partners and have been defecated on.
If
you’re a freak call my home number or email
us. If my wife answers, just talk nasty and
she will get me on the phone.
We are clean
and discrete.
Alex and guys
Perfection as always, do it today. I would
put his corp. email in the ad as well.
Jones
Good touch.
Alex
By the way I caught wind from Willus in
Detroit that they are watching our internet
activity. Norris, you have to stop looking
at porn and sending those fucked up emails.
You’re going to get busted.
Alex
Bobby is rooming with Balsamo. We will have
a little fun with the big cat in Arizona. I
have my own room, Jones worked out the
details on room assignments.
He worked his
magic.
INT. PA SALES OFFICE 3PM
68
Ralph drives out to the pa office and plans to stay out in
pa for a day or two. He comes into his office and walks by
and says high to Mallory
Ralph
Hi Malory
Malory
Hi Ralph, I didn’t expect to see you this
week. How are you?
Ralph
Doing well thanks, I wanted to get here for
a meeting tomorrow
Malory
Great can I get you anything?
Ralph
No I am good, going back to use an office,
is Mike Green in today if not I can use his?
Mallory
I don’t think he is in but he said his
office smells pretty bad you may want to try
another one.
Ralph
My sinuses are bugging me I don’t think I
will smell anything.
As Ralph walks back to his office she calls the guys and
lets them know he is there. Ralph opens the door and things
look like normal, he sits at the desk and the smell is
absolutely dreadful.
Ralph calls Malory
Ralph
Malory what happened in this office
Malory
I don’t know
Ralph
It smells like a urinal, can you have
someone come out here and clean this office
69
Malory
Ok Ralph.
Ralph can’t stand it and goes out into the cubicles. He
walks around and things look pretty ordinary.
Ralph gets
a call on his cell phone.
It’s Delpino.
Delpino
Hey Naples have you called Willus yet
Ralph
No why?
Delpino
He needs to be forewarned about the kickoff
meeting.
He is just as bad as the rest of
the guys if not worse.
By the way, I had a
meeting come up and I cant be in Cleveland
on Thursday.
Ralph
Ok I will talk too Willus today.
Delpino
Good, Gotta go. Don’t forget Naples
Delpino hangs up and Jones has set up for Delpino to be at
the same place as Canneli in Chicago.
Al decides to fly
to Chicago. He gets all the information via a fake email
that has been set up by the guys. The guys also send fake
emails to Mike Green constantly.
INT. END OF WORK DAY IN PA.
The guys come back in from what Ralph thinks is a hard day
at work.
They smell of beer, and Alex actually has to
take one of the guys into the restroom to clean him up, he
has beer on his shirt and smells like alcohol.
Ralph
Hey Malory can you get the guys together for
a quick meeting.
70
Malory
Yes Ralph.
The guys meet in the conf. room and Ralph discusses
business related stuff as well as the upcoming kickoff in
Arizona. It’s a pretty good meeting and they talk for
about 10 min.
Alex
Hey boss do you want to go out for a few
beers with the guys?
Ralph
No thanks Alex; I have some work to do
still.
Alex
Come on boss you hardly know your team; we
never do it with you. We need to bond.
I will round up all the guys, just one beer
or two?
Ralph
Alright just a few beers.
INT. AFTERNOON LOCAL BAR
The guys go out and hang with Ralph and realize that he is
really a decent good guy, that has a nice family and he
also hates delpino.
He has a few beers and loosens up a
bit.
Alex
Hey Ralph, are you and delpino pretty close?
Ralph
Not really, I am not that much of a fan of
his and I don’t think he likes me much
either. He is trying to find a way to get
rid of me I think.
Ralph
That’s why if you guys truly like me as your
boss you will be on your best behavior.
Alex
We do like you and sure will.
71
Ralph
Guys I better get going, I had a few beers
and better get to my hotel room.
Alex
No way, come on its early.
They talk Ralph into letting loose; they hit the clubs and
nude bars and have a blast.
INT. LATE AFTERNOON
Leslie and Joey they meet with the attorney briefly to
discuss the situation in person. Joey is dressed horribly
and Leslie is embarrassed to be seen with him in person.
Leslie
Don’t embarrass me and don’t forget what we
spoke about.
Joey
Don’t sweat it man.
Leslie
I am not your man, idiot.
Joey
I got it covered.
The secretary comes out and after they fill out paperwork
they go back to the attorney’s office.
Attorney
Good afternoon Mr. and Mrs. Kovach sit down
and relax, can I get you
Folks anything to drink.
Leslie
No thanks.
Joey
Do you have red cream soda?
Attorney
Uh, I don’t know I can check.
72
Leslie
He is fine. Joey you can wait.
Joey
I love red cream soda, and am thirsty since
I am hurt you know. The man offered.
Leslie
Laughs, he is fine Mr. Carpenter.
Joey
No I am hurt and thirsty.
Attorney
Why don’t we get started shall we.
Leslie
Yes, lets.
Leslie gives Joey an icy stare.
Attorney
Joey please tell me what happened in as much
detail as you can.
Joey
Depth and me were buying grout for a job; we
buy bags that are usually open so we can
save some dough. But I guess its r. That’s
Crazy shit man
Leslie
The accident Joey
Joey
Ya, well we were leaving and the manager
this big roid freak is swearing and yelling
because Depth was calling him a monkey. We
go into the truck and as we back up this
dude in a two plows into us. He gets out
and asks if we are ok, then calls the police
and they write up some report and we leave
to go home and tell Leslie what happened.
73
Attorney
Ok, what are your injuries and have you seen
a physician?
Joey
I hurt bad dude all over, ya we went to some
doc who has me going to another doc
Attorney
I would like you to see this physician.
specializes in your type of situations.
He
Joey
He know people who were hit by tow motors?
Attorney
No, but people who have been in accidents
with multiple injuries. But its important
that you rest, don’t work and get therapy as
soon as possible. You need to heal and we
need to make sure what the extent of the
injuries as well as put a plan together to
get your well.
Joey
Dude, I need to work man. I gotta pay the
bills.
Attorney
Joe, I am not telling you what to do, you
have the ability to make your own decision,
but I am advising you that if your hurt you
need to get treated and your in a job that
is physical and would advise you don’t
further your injuries with your strenuous
job.
Joey
I cant promise.
Leslie
He will follow your guidance Mr. Carpenter.
Attorney
Call me Scott.
74
Leslie
Ok, Scott.
Joey
Can I call you Scott too.
Attorney
Sure Joey of course.
They talk some more and then leave. They get out and Joey
is upset about something. They talk as they head out to
the car to leave.
Leslie
Joey you need to follow what he says you
hear me.
Joey
Hey man he was flirting with you, saying
call me Scott, what’s up with that.
Leslie
Listen dammit zip it and listen carefully,
he was being nice. You better not mess this
up; this could be worth a lot of money Joey.
Joey
Life is more than just money ya know.
Leslie
Ya, I live in a shithole with neighbors who
think I am a racist, your friends
Are losers and you lay tile. I think Money
isn’t a priority.
Joey
You cant take it with you...
Leslie
What the hell does that mean?
Exactly.
Joey
How bout some lunch I am hungry?
75
Leslie
Ya but we don’t have a lot of time, we have
to get the kids.
EXT. JOES CAR
Leslie and Joey head to a restaurant they frequent once in
a while. They sit down and the waitress comes over.
Waitress
Can I take your order?
Joey
I will have my usual.
Waitress
Ok, what would that be, Have I waited on you
folks before?
Leslie
Pardon him he is a Mongoloid
Joey
Ya and I don’t even work out.
a tow motor.
I got hit by
Waitress
Ok, can I please take your order.
Leslie
I will have a salad with an ice tea and my
husband I am ashamed to say
Will have a double cheeseburger with
everything, fries and a vanilla
Milkshake
Joey
That is my usual. Mark that down and put it
somewhere so you wont forget.
Oh, ok.
Waitress
Thank you.
Waitress walks away
76
Leslie
You are a complete buffoon do you know that.
You cant be this dumb, you have to be
acting. Its impossible to not do this
intentionally.
Joey
It be possible, Leslie.
Leslie
Now do you know why we never get invited
anywhere and why the kids teachers and
people laugh at you constantly.
Joey
They love me.
More arguing then the food comes and the scene fades out.
INT. NEXT MORNING
Jones gets in early to work
as well as review where the
something isn’t adding up.
deeper. While he is looking
on a few things on the computer
team’s numbers are and finds
He gets curious and digs
Alex comes into work.
Alex
Jonesy what’s up, is Ralph in
Jones
No, check this out.
Alex
What is it?
They review the online numbers and there numbers are way
up, they look at the other regions and they are up too.
Alex
What is this you’re looking at?
Jones
I don’t know, I was just putting in one of
my orders and found this.
77
Alex
Damn, we are kicking ass this month.
Jones
We aren’t I don’t know where those numbers
are coming from?
Ralph walks in, looking like hell.
Ralph
Good morning guys, good to see you bright
and early.
Alex
Hey Boss, you don’t look so good, I made
some coffee.
Ralph
I don’t feel so good, what you guys doing.
Jones
Hey Ralph, take a look at this.
Ralph
That’s delpinos personal spreadsheet that he
submits to corp. showing our daily and
monthly numbers.
Jones
Take a look at our numbers are they right
Ralph
Hmm, wow those numbers aren’t right. The
Cleveland numbers are up too. Hey Jones can
you email me that link?
Jones
Sure boss!
Ralph goes into the conf. room and starts to review past
numbers and realizes something is terribly wrong.
78
EXT. CHICAGO AM.
Al Lands at the airport and takes a cab to the hotel where
he is supposed to meet the person he interviews with. The
fake person of course.
He gets to the hotel and looks
around. He sits down and out in the distance he sees
Delpino.
His heart is racing; he watches and sees him
talking to a girl. They start to walk over his way, he
freaks out and runs out the hotel and changes his mind. He
doesn’t wait around to realize the guys have played him
again.
INT. AL’S HOUSE
Al’s wife answering the phone getting one call after
another on sex talk and crazy sexual conversations. She
checks voicemail and they have about 30 messages
As Al drives to the airport in a cab his wife called and
said he has some explaining to do.
Als Wife
Al, I am getting calls all day about some
perverted sex ring your in
Al
What are you talking about?
Als wife
You get home as soon as possible.
She hangs up
INT. LATER IN THE AM.
Meanwhile Mike Green shows up at a large account that the
guys have canceled. Mike has ordered lunch and has a big
presentation to present.
Mike shows up at the fancy
office with food as well as all his equipment.
Receptionist
Hi may I help you?
79
Mike
I am Mike Green National Account Executive
from Orion and I have a lunch meeting with
Tim Randall and his staff.
Receptionist.
Hold on sir and I will let him know you’re
here.
Receptionist talks to Tim on the phone.
Receptionist
I am sorry sir, but Tim stated you canceled
the meeting. He has another commitment.
Mike
That can’t be.
Receptionist
Sorry sir. I can reschedule for another
time.
Mike
Your wrong Miss, I have it down and haven’t
cancelled.
Receptionist.
I am sorry, but you are not on the schedule.
Mike walks out confused with lunches and a bunch of
equipment.
This is the 5th time this has happened where
his meeting has been changed or canceled. He is adding
things up and is thinking it’s the guys. He gets in his
car and races to the office.
INT. OFFICE
Ralph has spent the better part of the day reviewing
numbers and printing them off. He is convinced Delpino is
doing something to the numbers and can’t believe it. He is
contemplating calling Delpino but is afraid if it is true.
Ralph decides to call Mr. Artis
Ralph
Hi, Mr. Artis please
80
Mr. Artis secretary
Who is this please?
Ralph
Ralph Naples...
Secretary
Hold please.
Artis
Hello this is Kevin.
Ralph
Hi Mr. Artis, it’s Ralph Naples.
Kevin
Hi Ralph, what can I do for you I am in a
meeting!
Ralph
Sorry, oh it will take more than a few min.
Kevin
Call me later, is it important?
Ralph
I don’t know yet?
Kevin
What do you mean you don’t know; Better yet
find me in Arizona if it can wait.
Ralph
Ok, great see you in a few days.
Kevin hangs up.
Ralph is nervous, but now digs deeper and finds out that
Delpino has done something pretty bad.
Jones walks into the room
Jones
Hey Ralph, I did some more digging and it
looks like delpino is up to no good.
81
Ralph
Don’t look anymore Ok, I have it covered.
Malory pages Ralph on the intercom.
Malory
Hey Ralph I have Sandra Phillips-Malloy VP of hr
on the phone.
Ralph
Who, what does she want?
through.
Ok put her
Phone rings
Ralph
Good Afternoon this is Ralph speaking
Sandra
Mr. Naples this is Sandra from Corp Human
Resources I also have Timothy Bolton from
corp. Security on the line as well.
Ralph
What can I do for you both?
Sandra
We need to fly out to pa immediately we have
to talk to some of your employees about some
very disturbing use of email, and corp.
internet protocol.
Ralph
What happened?
Sandra
I would like to discuss in person with you
as well as the following employees. Can you
have them in the office tomorrow morning to
discuss?
Ralph
No, not until you tell me what happened.
82
Timothy
Mr. Naples we have been monitoring emails of
the sales employees as well as web activity
for sometime and we have some very
disturbing findings that we need to discuss
with them tomorrow and since you’re their
boss you need to be present. It is very
serious stuff.
Ralph
Ok, what time?
Sandra
We are scheduled to land in pa at 8:05 am.
Can we have them in at 9:30 please do not
tell them what it’s for. I would like to
meet with you first and share with you our
findings. Can we then have at 10 am Alex
Moranis, 10:30 Rick Roskovich 11 am Mike
Balsamo and down the list.
Ralph
That’s almost my whole sales staff
Sandra
Yes I know. Thank you Mr. Naples and we
will see you tomorrow.
Ralph is stunned and doesn’t know what the hell is going
on. He proceeds to call the guys and let them know they
have a quick meeting at diff. times tomorrow. Alex calls
Alex
Hey Ralph what’s going on?
Ralph
Nothing, but we just each have to talk to
someone from hr for a few min. tomorrow.
Alex
What, what did they say?
Ralph
Nothing much, don’t sweat it. We can discuss
in the am.
83
Alex and Ralph hang up and Alex calls the guys to meet at
the bar. He talks to all of them on the phone and realizes
something is up.
INT. Office 4:45 pm
Mike Green goes into his office.
He sits down and the smell is making his eyes water, he
sniffs around and opens a drawer inside is human feces.
freaks out and calls Mallory, but she left.
He
Mike
Those guys have messed with the wrong guy.
Its payback time. Those cocksuckers will
pay.
Mike is furious and plans his attack for the am. He has an
idea and will get the ring leader Alex first thing in the
am.
EXT. EVENING CANNELIS HOUSE
Al pulls up to his house to find that his belongings are
all over the yard.
He walks in and his wife shows him
their personal ad. She freaks out.
Als wife
You twisted son of a bitch. What kind of
perversion are you up too. You balding fat
fuck get out of my house.
Al
Your nuts, its not me, I didn’t do this, its
those sobs in pa. They don’t stop messing
with me.
Als wife
Stop blaming them for your twisted sex life.
Get out.
Al is thrown out of the house and he calls Ralph.
84
Ralph
Good afternoon Ralph Speaking
Al
Good afternoon Ralph its Al, and I got a
problem.
Ralph
Hey Al where were you today? I tried to
reach you a few times and your phone was
off.
Al
I was out on the road, The guys did
something terrible to me and now my wife has
thrown me out.
Ralph
What did they do?
Al
I don’t know but it appears people are
calling our house because of some personnel
ad that was set up under my name. I know it
those jerks in pa.
Ralph
Are you sure it was them?
Al
Yes I am sure, I certainly wouldn’t do it.
Ralph
Ok, get me the info and I will check it out.
Can I call your Rene and make it better.
Al
Yes please, but make sure those guys pay.
Please call my wife and tell her what’s up.
HELP.
Ralph
Give me the number.
Ralph calls Mrs. Canneli
85
Ralph
Hi Mrs. Canneli, this is Ralph Naples Als
boss.
Als wife
Hi Mr. Naples, Al is not home at the moment.
Ralph
I know I am calling to let you know that
your husband didn’t do what you think he
did, we have some suspicion that it may be a
prank and I am going to certainly get to the
bottom of this. I am terribly sorry and
please take your family out to a very nice
dinner on me.
Als wife
Mr. Naples with all due respect, that was
unacceptable and the calls I received where
absolutely horrible. If this is true we
will have a law suit over this Mr. Naples
Ralph
I can only imagine, and rest assured I will
get to the bottom of it. I understand
completely.
Als wife
Thank you and you better get to the bottom
of this.
After they hang up, she receives another call.
Caller
Hi I am 32, male athletic, and a physician
who wants to experiment.
Als wife
You son of a (pause), you’re a physician
Caller
Yes, A very successful one who is married
but likes to be naughty on the side.
86
Als wife
Oh really.
INT. PA OFFICE AM
Alex and the guys meet for breakfast to plot their
strategy.
Alex
Deny everything; say someone used your
password or laptop while you are away.
not give in.
Guys
Ok, nobody tell on each other.
fine.
Do
We will be
Sandra and Tim get in and go into the conf. room to set up.
They are about to begin to sit down with Ralph to discuss
the situation.
Sandra
I need to make a private call, is there an
office I can use?
Ralph
Yes, use Mike Greens office I think its
open. I will show you where it is.
They walk back and Sandra goes in and shuts the door. As
she goes to sit down, Mike Jumps out from under the desk.
Mike
I got you now you mother.
He stops in his tracks and runs out.
Sandra is horrified and runs back into the conf. room. She
said someone was hiding under the desk, what the hell is
going on around here.
Sandra gets composed and she and Tim sit down to discuss
with Ralph what has been going on.
87
Sandra
Ralph we have been tracking web site usage
as well as email correspondence and we have
some very troubling, sexual related,
disgusting stuff that has been going on for
a while.
Tim
We have made copies of emails that have been
sent to each other and other people within
the company and outside the company.
Someone in this office has posted a porno
movie of what appears to be employees of
this company engaging in sexual activity as
a link to our corp. web site.
There is an
employee from this office who continues to
change the company website and hack into
areas of the company’s infrastructure.
Ralph
Who is it?
Tim
We don’t know, but hope to get that out in
this interrogation. But we do have emails
that have been sent amongst the team that is
bad enough for termination. That is
something we are going to leverage.
Ralph
Can I see it?
Sandra
Ralph we would prefer to wait until the
indiv. In question are in the room.
Ralph
Ok, fair enough.
Sandra
Can you call in Alex Moranis?
Ralph
Sure I will go get him.
Ralph brings in Alex and sits him down, he is calm and
collects.
88
Sandra
Please state your name.
Alex
Alex Moranis.
Sandra
Please state your position.
Alex
I am a senior account executive
Sandra
Please state how long you have been employed
by Orion
Alex
5 years and some odd days
Sandra
What is your employee id?
Alex
2394-097
Sandra
Mr. Moranis are you aware
document when you started
for work use only and any
including. Etc is grounds
termination.
you signed a
that your pc is
other usage
for immediate
Alex
Yes
Sandra
Mr. Moranis we have called you into this
meeting because of some serious
improprieties relative to internet activity
as well as corp. email abuse out of this
office.
Alex
Ok
89
Sandra
Have you seen or know of anyone sending
emails from other people’s pc when they are
not around, or using company internet for
pornography as well other a pornographic
material?
Alex
No
Tim
Mr. Moranis we have reason to believe that
either you or someone in this office has
posted a porno movie and other pornographic
type site visits as well as defamation of
the corp. web site from this office.
Alex
Wasn’t me and I don’t know of anyone else
who would do something so terrible!
Tim
If we find out you know about it or were
involved you will be terminated immediately.
Alex.
Ok, is that it?
Sandra
Yes.
Sandra escorts Alex out of the office.
Alex then calls
the guys on the phone to give them a heads up.
Sandra
Ralph can you bring in Rick Roskovich and
Kal Koosman together.
Ralph
Ok I think Kal is here too.
Ralph gets the guys and brings them in.
Sandra goes
through the same questioning on background like she did to
Alex.
90
Sandra
Mr. Koosman we have 5 emails that were sent
from you to Mr. Roskovich as well as other
members of the team that I need to read to
you.
Koos
Ok
Sandra.
Email dated August 7, 2002 at 10:07 am to
Rick Roskovich Subject Your testicles.
Dear Rosko,
The guys were wondering if your testicles
were shaved or unshaved? I say they are
shaved and lickable.
Email Dated August 18th
Subject My labia
Rosko, my balls itch, did you put something
in my pants, when I took them off at the bar
last night.
I woke up and my balls were so
swollen I couldn’t walk.
Email Dated August 21st at 2:34 pm
to Rick
roskovich, Malory, etc. Subject, Runway
strip or forest. Mallory, the guys were
wondering if your box has a runway strip, I
recently watched rosko shave his balls and
it looks good on him, a picture would be
nice since the movie is fuzzy. How bout a tbag.
Sandra
Email dated
Tim
I think we get the message.
Sandra
Mr. Koosman those emails came from your pc
while you were logged in. Can you please
comment on them?
Koos
I didn’t send them; somebody in this office
sends emails from others pcs when they are
away from their desk. I swear it
91
Sandra
Mr. Koosman we are confident that you sent
those out, because other emails where sent
out legitimate ones before and after.
Koos
I didn’t send those out, I often get up to
have a smoke or use the can and forget to
lock my pc. You have to believe me.
Tim
Mr. Koosman, if you did this its grounds for
immediate termination.
Koos
I have a family and wouldn’t do it.
Sandra
Mr. Roskovich you didn’t respond to his
emails, why not.
Rosko
Because they were wrong and no Mr. Koosman
oh too well, he would never do such a thing.
Mike Green has a problem with some guys in
the office and I think he sabotages there
stuff when ever he can. Did you talk to
him?
Sandra
Mr. Green, isn’t that the office I went into
today Ralph
Ralph
Yes.
Sandra
Tim lets add him to the list to discuss.
After more discussion and no resolution they ask them to
leave and they take a break and discuss the situation with
Ralph.
They then call in Lourig
92
Sandra asks the questions as she did to the rest of the
guys.
Sandra
Mr. Louring you’re a fairly new member of
the team at Orion.
Louring
Yes maam.
Sandra
Do you like it here?
Louring
Yes Maam.
Sandra
Mr. Lourig we have some disturbing emails
that you have sent out over the past months
I will read them too you.
Lourig
Huh, I only use my email for work related
stuff.
Sandra
Email dated August 6th at 9:21 am To Midwest
distribution. Subject: Who would like me
to stick my finger up your ass?
Lourig
I didn’t write that, that’s not me
Sandra
Email Dated August 6th at 10:21 am.
To
Midwest Distribution list. Subject: Wieners
Have you ever had a wiener with relish? I
recommend it.
The tellitubbies are evil.
Pass it along.
Lourig.
Somebody sent that from my pc.
all the time.
They do it
Sandra/Tim
Who?
93
Lourig
(Pause, pause). I don’t know, but if I
catch them they will pay.
Sandra/Tim
Mr. Lourig if you’re keeping any information
from us, we will find out and your job is in
jeopardy. It appears that you are writing
these.
Lourig
I am not but if I did there not
pornographic, bizarre but not pornographic
Sandra/Tim
Fair enough, Mr. Lourig we will be back in
contact with you.
Sandra and Tim meet with a few more individuals and after
almost a full day are frustrated with the lack of
cooperation. They however contact Mike Green before they
leave for their trip and have dialog with him.
DIALOG WITH MIKE GREEN. They go behind closed doors to
discuss
The guys have gone down to the watering hole and called
Ralph on the phone.
Alex
Hey Boss, how are you holding up?
Ralph
Not good what the fuck goes on around here.
Alex
Come down to the first floor and have a beer
with us.
Ralph
I better not.
94
Alex
Boss you need one and so do we, we also need
to talk to you.
Ralph
Ok.
Ralph heads to the pub. They guys are all there.
Alex
Ralph we are a top team right?
Ralph
Yes
Alex
We work hard and play hard, we are sorry if
we caused any problems but that’s not why we
asked you to come down.
Jones
Delpino is scamming the shareholders and the
company; he is inflating our numbers and is
getting away with it.
Ralph
How do you know?
Jones
Trust me, we know and we need to take him
down, that squirmy
Alex
Jonesy relax, let’s take him down the right
way. We will get you everything you need.
You need to go to Artis with this.
Ralph
Get me what you can; I gotta head home to
Ohio.
Alex
Ok, see you Monday in Arizona.
Ralph
Oh shit that’s right, guys please be good.
95
Alex and the guys
For sure boss.
INT. OHIO AFTERNOON
Ralph gets home to Ohio and calls his buddy Marky who has
been watching his wife to see what has been going on.
Ralph
Hi Marky its Ralph I am heading home from Pa
and wanted to follow up and see if you found
anything out.
Marky
When you get closer call me and meet me at
the lizard.
Ralph
Marky come on man, I can’t wait that long.
Marky
Just meet me at the lizard.
Ralph gets to the lizard and lets Marky know he is there.
They meet at a table and Marky starts to tell him what is
going on.
Marky
I am just going to say it, she is seeing
someone, I have photos and they are meeting
at your place, a hotel as well as his place.
Here are some pictures.
Ralph
Holy shit its my fucking neighbor, dammit
look at them. Oh my god.
Marky
Are you ok? What are you going to do?
Ralph
We have kids man, we are married, why would
she do this and why would he do this to me?
I am going to kill them!
96
Marky
Don’t do anything crazy Ralph. You have
kids.
Ralph
I gotta go out of town tomorrow for a
meeting, I am a mess. My life SUCKS Marky.
Marky
I am here for you, don’t do anything till
you get back, you don’t want to lose your
job or anything…
Ralph
I may lose my job, my wife, everything.
What have I done to deserve this? I am a
fucking failure.
Marky
Bartender, bottle please.
They drink themselves into the later part of the evening.
INT. LOWES STORE
Joey and Depth sneak out and get supplies for an upcoming
Job. The go back to the lowes where he was hit.
Depth
How many bags do we need?
Joey
Let’s load up about 10...
Depth
Ok.
They load up bags of 80 pound cement and put it in the
cart. The muscular guy is watching them. They check out
and as the do Joey finds another isle with more product he
loads a few more on and tries to leave.
EXT. PARKING LOT.
97
The manager comes out and said he you guys didn’t pay for
all that stuff. Joey and depth try to leave and cant get
away. The manager stops them.
Manager
You guys trying to steal!! BY THE WAY ARENT
YOU INJURED!
Joey
Ya I am hurt and we paid for this man.
Manager
No you didn’t pay and your in trouble now.
Joey and Depth
F you man, we paid and we are outta hear.
Manager
Don’t ever come back you asshole.
Joey and Depth take off and drive the cement to Depths
place so Leslie won’t know what they did.
INT. LATE AFTERNOON JOES HOUSE
Leslie and Joey are home and the phone rings.
Leslie
Hello
Attorney
Hi Mrs. Kovach, this is Scott Carpenter
attorney at law. I got a disturbing call
from a contact at Lowes attorney firm.
Leslie
What was it?
Attorney
They have tape of your husband lifting 80
pound bags of cement earlier today as well
as trying to steal some extra bags. Is this
true if it is, then this case is over and
they may try to come after him.
98
Leslie
I sure hope it isn’t true, I will ask him
and surely call you back.
Attorney
Please do, I am a busy man Mrs. Kovach and
you will receive a bill for my time if this
is true. Good day Mrs. Kovach.
Leslie
Joey, where were you today when I went
shopping.
Joey
Here, why?
Leslie
Well, it appears you were on tape loading
product up at the very lowes where you got
hurt. If that is true, then you better get
your keys and walk out the door because I
will kill you right now.
Joey
Huh?
He gets his keys and runs out the door.
EXT. RALPHS CAR
Ralph pulls into his driveway and pulls into the garage, he
has to pack and get ready for his trip in phoenix. As he
walks in his kids are in bed and his wife Rene is watching
TV.
Rene
Hey Ralph, how was the trip?
Ralph
Ok, tired, going to bed…
Rene
Want to watch some tv, I have dinner in the
fridge if you want it.
Ralph
No, need to pack and get some sleep.
99
Oh, ok
Rene
goodnight.
Ralph
(grunts)
EXT. PHOENIX ARIZONA MONDAY AFTERNOON.
The guys are getting off the plane and heading to the
hotel, they are ready for 4 days of meetings, fun and
plenty of games.
INT. DR. OFFICE CLEVELAND, OHIO AFTERNOON
Mrs. Canneli has met the physician at his office where he
has bondage set up. Things get crazy.
Al gets off the plane and is terrified but is sharing his
room with Lourig who he trusts.
Willus and Balsomo are
rooming together and the rest are also bunked up.
The meeting is company wide and there are about 5,000 plus
employees for training and motivation to kick off the rest
of the year and what’s in store for next year.
Alex has tasked the guys to find out Greens room number.
Rosko
Greens in room 317 get Willus and let the
fun begin. The guys made sure they got in
early to enjoy and party. They have found
Greens room number so that all the rounds of
drinks get billed to his room.
Willus is a
wild drunk and he gets out of control.
They are at the bar.
Willus
Guys I have to be somewhat sober, I have to
present a new product tomorrow in front of
everyone. (laughs)
Alex
I have seen you drink all night and give the
best fucking presentation ever.
100
Willus
Toast, to fun, hiding from meetings and
fucking with Delpino and Green.
All
Salute.
Delpino walks into the bar with a big cigar and looks over
at the guys with a mean look but doesn’t say anything too
them.
He talks to some head honchos and then leaves.
Alex
Hey guys lets find another bar after a few
rounds of shots so we can check out the
local scene.
Rosko
I will sign off on the check.
is a good tipper.
Mike Green
Rosko signs off room 317 Mike Green and they take off.
They get crazy and Willus has the guys in stitches. He is
a big time partier, and he gets hammered. He is slurring
his words and it’s around 1:30 am and the guys say we
better get back.
They get to the hotel and Balsomo gets
Willus into bed.
Willus can’t sleep and gets his bathing
suit on for a swim.
He goes down to the pool, and makes a
spectacle of himself.
Alex calls balsomo
Alex
Let’s mess with Willus
Balsomo
What do you want to do? He left the room
Alex
His presentation is at 10 am, get up quietly
and rolls back the clock about 3 hours. So
when you leave in the morning set the clock
back to like 4 am. Set the alarm so it looks
like it’s at 7 am. We will call him at
101
(cont)
about 9:45 and wake him up.
back to the room call me.
When he gets
Balsomo
He will kick my ass
Alex
Don’t sweat it, we will take credit...
INT. 2 HOURS LATER.
Willus is wasted and gets back in the room, he starts
yelling at balsomo and calling him a pussy. He stumbles
into the bathroom and breaks the shower door and vanity.
He gets into bed and passes out.
Balsomo calls the guys and they sneak in. They shave one
of his eyebrows and shave a big spot in the back of his
head. They write on his mattress and put lipstick all over
his face and body.
Balsomo
You guys are fucked up; he is going to kick
my ass.
Alex
Relax, we will tell him we did it. I got an
idea. Let’s call room service at and tell
them we need the room done ASAP.
Write
with this marker on the bed.
Rosko writes in permanent marker. If I am asleep please
wake me, I may have defecated myself too so be careful.
Willus starts to move around in the bed so the guys leave,
they are all tired and the fun is only beginning.
INT. NEXT MORNING HOTEL ROOM
Balsomo gets up and quietly leaves and turns the clock
back. He closes the blinds and sets the alarm. He gently
closes the door. Its 8 am but the clock reads 5 am and he
sets the alarm for 6:45 am. He gets to the lobby and meets
102
the guys for breakfast and gets a copy of the daily
itinerary. The guys are giggling like school girls.
At 8:30 the big opening ceremony starts with all the bs and
pomp and circumstance as well as the surprise celebrity
speaker tomorrow.
There are so many people that the fact
the willus isn’t there is no cause for concern. The
speeches run late, so Alex has to sneak out and call room
service to wake willus up.
They will begin the breakout
and Bob is slated to present at roughly 10 am.
Alex
calls the maid service in desperation, Please I am out of
towels and I am running late please come in my room and
wake up my roommate.
The maid walks in and sees willus nude, fat and laying on
his bed a mess, writing on the bed etc. she wakes him and
said you called to be woken and room service.
Willus
What time is it?
Maid
9:37 am
Willus
Holy fuck, I gotta go.
Willus hurries up and gets dressed and doesn’t have time to
look in the mirror. He runs out and finds a copy of the
itinerary and realizes what room he has to be in. People
are already inside and in walks Bob. They look in
amazement and there is silence. Ralph runs up the front of
the room.
Ralph
Bob what the hell happened to you?
Bob
What…
Ralph
Did you look in a mirror?
Bob
No, I overslept.
103
Ralph
Let’s get you out of here, Alex can you get
Sanders to do this presentation for me.
Alex
No problem.
Ralph shuttles Bob out of public view and gets him out to
his room. He gets him inside his room and takes him into
the bathroom, which is trashed and bob looks in the mirror.
Bob
What the fuck is this?
Ralph
What happened last night?
Bob
I don’t remember, I was awakened by the
housekeeping lady and last thing I remember
was doing shots in the pool last night.
Ralph
Bob, you can’t do this stuff, even though
you’re gifted this is corp. America and your
going to get yourself fired. Look at you,
your head is partially shaved, you’re
missing an eyebrow and you have lipstick all
over you.
Bob
I wonder who the hell did this, I will ask
My roommate and Alex. Those fuckers
wouldn’t do that to me.
Ralph
I am sure they wouldn’t, I will ask them as
well.
Clean yourself up the best you can
Bob
How am I going to do that, look at me?
FUCK.
Ralph
Where a hat and shave the other eyebrow.
104
Bob
I will kill the fuckers that did this.
Ralph
Better yet you better hang low in the room
ok?
Bob
No way, but I will hang low.
Ralph walks out of the room and back down to the meetings.
He runs into the head guy in sales Kevin Artis.
Kevin
Hey what the hell is going on with Willus?
Ralph
I don’t know, he wasn’t feeling well.
Kevin
Delpino said his head was shaved and
somebody painted his face?
Ralph
No Kevin, he is sick from the flu.
Kevin
Hey what did you call me for?
Ralph
Can we go sit somewhere for a min?
Ralph and Kevin sit down and Ralph shows Kevin the
information he found on Delpino, they talk for a while and
Ralph shows him information that he has compiled they talk
for a bit longer and then Kevin gets up and leaves. Ralph
sits and watches Kevin talk to some other big shots they
look at Ralph talk some more then leave. Ralph sits and
ponders if he made a terrible mistake.
Meetings adjourn and the guys leave to enjoy the nights
drinking and fun.
Alex gathers the guys to plan the night.
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Alex
Let’s get changed and meet in Balsomo and
Willus room and check on the big cat.
The guys get cleaned up and meet up in Balsomo and Willus
room
Willus
Hey fuckers what the hell happened last
night?
Balsomo
Dude you told us you had a presentation so
we all hit it early so we could hit it hard
tonight. I got to the room we both turned
the light off and 10 min. later you’re in a
bathing suit and out the door.
Next thing
I knew a bunch of people are carrying your
fat is into bed. That’s all I remember.
Koos
I saw you partying hard, doing shot, with
some hot chick too; Canneli was drunk and
kept feeding you shots.
Willus
Really?
Koos
Canneli was laughing at you, and gave you a
shot a min I think.
Willus
I am going to talk to that fucker. Hey I do
remember getting this hookers card I think.
Hold on I think it’s in my trunks.
Alex
Guys lets hit the hotel bar on MR. Greens
room of course than hit the clubs tonight.
Somebody get a hold of Lourig and baldoni
and make them come down for a few. Don’t
want to make them feel left out.
INT. LOBBY
Delpino calls Ralph down.
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Delpino
Listen to Me Willus was a mess this morning
and was urinating in the Jacuzzi last night
and had what appeared to be a prostitute at
his side.
You better that those crazy
fucks in order or you will be fired by cob
tomorrow.
Ralph
Understood, they are grown men and I didn’t
know Willus was out last night.
INT. FLASHBACK LAST NIGHT
Sequence watching willus in the Jacuzzi out of control.
Delpino
Naples, I am watching you and those lunatics
your ass is mine if there is one slip up.
As Ralph walks away, Kevin Artis comes up to him.
Kevin
Hey Ralph, I need to talk to you about the
information you gave me. I need to meet
with you first thing in the morning. This
is pretty serious stuff and I have some
people from Corp. that I have passed this on
too.
Ralph
Sure Mr. Artis, just tell me where and when
Kevin
It’s Kevin and 7:30 in the venitian room 2nd
floor
Ralph
Ok
INT. ONE HOUR LATER.
The guys are at the bar. Willus is getting crazy. The
coax Canelli and Lourig down to the bar. They party for a
while. Willus wonders off and Lourig and Canelli slip back
to their rooms.
The guys want to hit some clubs and Alex
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signs the bar bill which is 470 dollars and signs it mike
green and his room number. It’s about 9:45 and the guys
are trying to find willus to hit the clubs.
Alex
Where did the big cat go?
Balsomo
I don’t know, lets find him so we can leave.
Alex also pretends to be Canneli and goes to the front desk
and gets another key to his room for later.
The guys wait about a half hour and decide to take off,
after trying his room and cell phone. Willus calls the
hooker and she meets him at the hotel.
Bob is absolutely
hammered and she finally shows up about 10:15 Bob is all
over her and he lost his room key so they call and knock on
doors till he finally realized he remembers Lourigs room
number. The knock on the door.
Lourig opens the door.
Lourig
Bob what you want?
Bob
Lourig this is Amber move we are coming in.
Lourig
Bob we have meetings all day tomorrow and we
are going to bed!
Bob
Lourig you pussy its 10 pm, you fags are the
only ones in your room at this time.
Lourig
Please bob!
Canneli
Bob really we want to get a good nights
rest. I love Mike Ditka and he is talking
tomorrow I hear.
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Willus
Fuck ditka and fuck you, this is Amber she
Is my women.
Amber
Bob lets go, sorry to bother you guys.
Willus starts to kiss Amber and she reciprocates, they are
going at it in front of the guys and he starts to take her
clothes off.
Amber
She whispers this is going to be extra.
Willus
(Doesn’t hear her but says) whatever you
want my love.
Willus pulls out the ironing board and now Amber is nude.
The guys are laying in their own beds looking on in
fascination and horror. Bob now is nude and is ready to
have sex with her from behind on the ironing board.
Lourig
Willus for Christ sakes what the hell are
you doing?
WIllus
Not now douchbag…
Lourig
We don’t want to watch your hideous self
fuck this women.
Amber starts to move away, and bob pulls his pants up, he
sees a camera its Cannelis camera but he doesn’t realize
bob has taken it.
He tells Alex to jump in bed with the
guys and he starts to take photos of her in compromising
positions. The guys smile awkwardly and he takes shots of
her with both guys.
Lourig
Please guys can we go to bed?
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Amber
Let’s go Bob…
Bob puts the camera back without the guys noticing, and
leaves the room.
Lourig
That guy is fucking insane, but she was
pretty cute.
Canneli
Ya, she was very nice.
Back to Willus he is wasted and his phone rings it Alex.
Alex
Dude where are you, meet us at this address.
Willus
I am with Amber, she is hot and all mine for
the night.
Alex
Bring her too, get the fuck over here.
Willus
Ok, Amber you want to head out to meet my
friends.
Amber
It’s your dime baby
Willus
Huh, Ok
They take a cab and head over to the club, the party and
are getting crazy and having fun, Bobs shirt is off and he
is almost unconscious.
It’s about 2 am and the guys head
back.
Alex
He I got a key to canneli and Lourigs room.
Lets fuck with them
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Balsomo
What do you want to do?
Alex
I don’t know yet, but get the permanent
marker.
Meanwhile Bob is being carried out, and Amber is pretty
pissed.
She takes his wallet and leaves him by himself.
She figures he owes her about 300 dollars but takes all his
money.
Bob is almost unconscious on the street he has
lost a shoe and his shirt is torn. Another employee who
knows Bob gets him a cab and explains to the driver to get
him to the hotel.
INT. LOURIGS HOTEL ROOM
Alex and the guys sneak into the room. Both Canelli and
Lourig are asleep.
They take all of their clothes except
a mismatched pair, they turn back the alarm and Alex writes
Fuck ditka on the back of Cannelis head in permanent
marker. The guys also write delpino sucks on the back or
lourigs neck. They leave the room.
EXT. TAXICAB LATE EVENING
The cab takes bob to the hotel, and gets him out of the
cab, bob doesn’t have any money and bob falls to the
ground, and tries to get up.
The concierge helps Bob in
and pays the driver and gets bob into his room.
Bob
passes out, the guys show up in the room and shave a large
part in bobs hair and write pussy on the back of his neck.
Alex
Hey Balsomo make sure you turn the alarm
back again.
INT. 7 AM NEXT MORNING
Ralph meets in a private room with Kevin and some attorney
types, they talk for a while and conclude the Delpino is
doing something wrong and he is going to be in major
trouble after the meetings today.
Its about 15 min from Mike Ditkas motivation talk to the
group and its getting pretty full in the auditorium. The
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guys are all sitting together and have saved seats for bob,
lourig and canelli. Cannelis seat will be one in which
Ditka walks by him.
INT. LOURIG AND CANNELIS ROOM
Lourig wakes up and takes a shower and doesn’t realize that
he has writing on himself, he gets dressed and the covers
are over canneli, he looks at the clock and realizes its
early, he puts on his watch and freaks out when he realizes
its almost 9:45 am. He wakes up canneli.
Lourig
Al gets up its 9:45. I am going down to save
you a seat, hurry up. Don’t forget ditka is
talking at 10 am get your camera.
Canneli Jumps out of bed and since he is bald cleans up and
brushes his teeth gets dressed and doesn’t realize what is
on the back of his head.
INT. WILLNUS HOTELROOM
Again room service comes in his room and he is lying naked
with his hair shaved in the middle and a dead body outline
drawn around him in pen around his bed. The mirror has
writing that reads.
I kill Housemaids.
The lady comes in and screams, waking bob up.
He looks at
his watch hurries and gets dress and runs down to the show.
INT. GRAND BALLROOM 9:55 AM
Kevin Artis talking.
Al, Lourig and Bob walk in at different doors, to the
horror of looks. They don’t notice and Alex is calling
them over to sit by them. They sit Al right by where ditka
will walk by.
Kevin
Orion Team we are a winning tradition and as
we continue to dominate our market this year
and many years to come we thought it
appropriate to have this years speaker
discuss and talk to our group about what he
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and his team did to dominate there industry.
Coach of one of the greatest football teams
The 1986 bears to talk to our great team.
Coach Mike Ditka.
Ditka walks from outside and passes Al, and looks and
elbows him to the head as he walks by.
Ditka gets on stage and has the spotlight go to Al and
escorts him out. He then talks for a while to a standing
ovation.
Meanwhile as Al is escorted out Delpino pulls Naples into
the hall
Delpino
Naples your so fucking F
He is stopped by Artis who comes out behind him
Artis
Delpino you need to come with us.
Delpino
What are you talking about?
They escort Delpino off, and in a room where he is promptly
fired and handcuffed.
Canneli is taken to the bathroom and cleaned up.
Artis comes back after Ditka and thanks everyone for a
great year, and closes the meeting. As they are walking to
check out. Artis comes up to Ralph.
Kevin
Hey Ralph, thank you for bringing all this
to our attention, We have decided to fire
Delpino and would like you to replace him
effective immediately.
Ralph
OH my yes sir. Thank you I wont let you
down.
INT. HOTEL CHECKOUT.
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Alex and the guys watch Mike Green check out and see him
argue over the bill, he sees them laughing and points as
the run off.
INT. OHIO AFTERNOON
Back in Ohio Ralph has gained confidence, a promotion and
has asked his guys to take care of his wife’s lover in
their special way.
The guys take care of the guy who has been boning Ralphs
wife in a very special way>
INT. RALPHS HOUSE
Ralph walks up to his wife, who is in the kitchen.
Ralph
I want a divorce and am going for custody of
our children.
Rene
What, why Ralph?
Ralph
You’re a cheating, ugly, mean bitch, you and
our asshole neighbor our meant for each
other.
Rene
(Silence).
Ralph walks out with his head high and happy again.
Fast forward.
Al’s wife picks up the pictures from Als camera; she sees
them and throws his clothes outside again.
EXT. SOFTBALL FIELD.
After a great year Ralph sets up a softball game between
Cleveland and Pittsburgh and the guys are still having fun
and pranking but love Ralph and are doing well. After the
game the guys are talking and having pop at the pavilion
where there are many employees both sales and non sales.
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Koos gets behind lourig and pulls his shorts down all the
way to his ankles, as he bends over to pull them up Alex
pulls his shirt over his head like a hockey player. He is
completely nude facing the crowd as they look in horror.
He starts to run and chase the guys.
The below comes up on the screen.
Alex Moranis quits and joins the cast of jackass
Al Cannellis wife wins the next Mrs. Howard stern contest.
Lou Delpino goes to prison and becomes the girlfriend of
ten inmates including Martha Stewart.
Rene’s boyfriend hasn’t been scene since.
Ralph goes on to write a book about his experience and it
goes on to be a best seller
Al Canneli is selling shoes at payless
Lourigs is the top sales rep in the country and still gets
no respect.
THE END.
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