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Conflict Resolution Skills for Healthy Relationships
The Key To Less Relationship Stress? Effective Conflict Resolution Skills!
By Elizabeth Scott, M.S.
Stress Management Expert
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Conflict Resolution
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Updated June 02, 2014.
With most conflicts, it’s
important to find a
resolution. This seems like a
statement of the obvious,
but many people suppress
their anger or just ‘go along
to get along.' They think that
by addressing a conflict,
they are creating one, and
ONOKY - Fabrice Lerouge/Brand X Pictures/Getty Images
simply keep quiet when
upset. Unfortunately, this isn’t a healthy long-term strategy. For one thing,
unresolved conflict can lead to resentment and additional unresolved conflict in the
relationship. Even more important, ongoing conflict can actually have a negative
impact on your health and longevity. (See this piece for more on the detrimental
effects of relationship conflict.)
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• Workplace Conflict
• Coping with Stress
• Managing Conflict
• How to Relieve Stress
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Unfortunately, resolving conflict can be
tricky as well. Handled improperly,
attempts at conflict resolution can actually
make the conflict worse. For example,
researcher John Gottman and his
colleagues studied the way couples fight,
and can actually predict which couples
will go on to divorce by observing their
conflict resolution skills -- or lack thereof.
(Hint: If you’re constantly criticizing your
partner’s character, or shutting down
during arguments rather than working
through conflict in a proactive, respectful
way, watch out.)
For those who weren’t born into a family
where perfect conflict resolution skills
were modeled on a daily basis (and—let’s
face it—how many of us were?), here are
some guidelines to make conflict
resolution more simple and less stressful.
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Get In Touch With Your Feelings
An important component of conflict resolution involves only you -- knowing how you
feel and why you feel that way. It may seem you’re your feelings should already be
obvious to you, but this isn’t always the case. Sometimes we feel angry or resentful,
but don’t know why. Other times, we feel that the other person isn’t doing what they
‘should,’ but we aren’t aware of exactly what we want from them, or if it’s even
reasonable. Journaling can be an effective
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person. Sometimes this process brings up
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Hone Your Listening Skills
When it comes to effective conflict
resolution, how effectively we listen is at least as important as how effectively we
express ourselves. It’s vital to understand the other person’s perspective, rather than
just our own, if we are to come to a resolution. In fact, just helping the other person
feel heard and understood can sometimes go a long way toward the resolution of a
conflict. Good listening also helps for you to be able to bridge the gap between the
two of you, understand where the disconnect lies, etc. Unfortunately, active listening
is a skill that not everybody knows, and it’s common for people to think they’re
listening, while in their heads they’re actually formulating their next response,
thinking to themselves how wrong the other person is, or doing things other than
trying to understand the other person’s perspective. It’s also common to be so
defensive and entrenched in your own perspective that you literally can’t hear the
other person’s point of view. (If this any of this sounds familiar, you may want to
read this helpful article on listening skills .)
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Communicating your feelings and needs clearly is also an important aspect of conflict
resolution. As you probably know, saying the wrong thing can be like throwing fuel
on a fire, and make a conflict worse. The important thing to remember is to say
what’s on your mind in a way that is clear and assertive, without being aggressive or
putting the other person on the defensive. One effective conflict resolution strategy is
to put things in terms of how you feel rather than what you think the other person is
doing wrong, using ‘I feel’ statements. (See this assertiveness training article for
more on this, or take the Conflict Resolution Quiz to see what your conflict resolution
communication style is, and find tips on being more assertive.)
Seek a Solution
Once you understand the other person’s perspective, and they understand yours, it’s
time to find a resolution to the conflict -- a solution you both can live with.
Sometimes a simple and obvious answer comes up once both parties understand the
other person’s perspective. In cases where the conflict was based on a
misunderstanding or a lack of insight to the other’s point of view, a simple apology
can work wonders, and an open discussion can bring people closer together. Other
times, there is a little more work required. In cases where there’s a conflict about an
issue and both people don’t agree, you have a few options: Sometimes you can agree
to disagree, other times you can find a compromise or middle ground, and in other
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cases the person who feels more strongly about an issue may get their way, with the
understanding that they will concede the next time. The important thing is to come
to a place of understanding, and try to work things out in a way that’s respectful to all
involved. (For more information, see this article on communication skills .)
Know When It’s Not Working
UP NEXT
the toll that ongoing conflict can exact from a person, sometimes it’s
5 SimpleBecause
Steps toofAssertive
Communication
advisable to put some distance in the relationship, or cut ties completely. In cases of
Office Politics and Dealing With Co-Workers
abuse, for example, simple conflict resolution techniques can only take you so far,
and personal safety needs to take priority. When dealing with difficult family
members, on the other hand, adding a few boundaries and accepting the other
person’s limitations in the relationship can bring some peace. In friendships that are
unsupportive or characterized by ongoing conflict, letting go may be a great source of
stress relief. Only you can decide if a relationship can be improved, or should be let
go.
Dealing With Difficult People
Setting Boundaries
Letting Go Of A Relationship
Sources:
Newsom JT, Mahan TL, Rook KS, Krause N.Stable Negative Social Exchanges and
Health. Health Psychology, January 2008.
Gottman JM., Carrère S. Predicting Divorce Among Newlyweds From the First Three
Minutes of a marital conflict discussion. Family Process, Fall 1999.
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