MARITAL QUALITY IN LATER YEARS OF MARRIAGE:
AN ETHNOGRAPHIC APPROACH
by
THOMAS J. HENRICH, B.A.
A THESIS
IN
FAMILY STUDIES
Submitted to the Graduate Faculty
of Texas Tech University in
Partial Fulfillment of
the Requirements for
the Degree of
MASTER OF SCIENCE
IN
HOME ECONOMICS
Approved
Accepted
August, 1987
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'fio.-f^
CUd)/?. : £ ^
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
It is with sincere appreciation that I recognize the
following individuals for their support in this project.
My chairman. Dr. Harvey Joanning, who has been my
advisor, mentor and friend.
His support, encouragement
and patience has guided me through my graduate studies and
the thesis process.
I also owe a great deal of gratitude to my committee
members. Dr. Neal Newfield and Dr. Arlin Peterson. Their
knowledge and expertise has enriched this experience.
Special thanks to the couples in this study who took
the time to talk with me.
Their giving of themselves in
order that this study might be completed is deeply
appreciated.
A very special thanks and heartfelt appreciation is
extended to my family whose patience, support and
unquenchable belief in me were invaluable in the
realization of this dream.
11
CONTENT
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
ii
CHAPTER
I.
INTRODUCTION
1
Statement of the Problem
II.
LITERATURE REVIEW
8
Early Development
III.
IV.
1
8
Theories on Marital Quality
13
The Spanier Dyadic Adjustment Scale
16
Curvilinearity vs. Linearity
19
The Birth of Children
22
Late Life and Adult Children
25
Elderly Couples
26
Summary
30
METHODS
32
Identifying Informants
32
The Interview
33
Procedure
34
Analysis
35
RESULTS
37
Part 1
39
Domain: Higher Satisfaction
39
Domain: Commitment
41
Domain: Comfortableness
42
iii
Domain: Love (Mutual Respect)
44
Domain: Crisis
46
Domain: Children
48
Domain: Faith
49
Domain: Small Community
50
Part II
51
Characteristics of Higher Satisfaction..51
Characteristics of Commitment
53
Characteristics of Comfortableness
56
Characteristics of Love (Mutual Respect)67
Characteristics of Crisis
73
Characteristics of Children
79
Characteristics of Faith
81
Characteristics of Small Community
83
V. DISCUSSION
88
REFERENCES
98
IV
CHAPTER I
INTRODUCTION
Over the years, the institution of marriage has
received a great deal of attention in areas of research
and theory.
During the 1970's alone, there were 150
articles published which examined quality of marriage
(Spanier & Lewis, 1980).
Americans seem to be obsessed
with the desire to know how men and women respond to being
married.
We want to know the circumstances and causes of
marital break-down as well as how we can avoid this
possibility.
The research that has been done in this area has
typically dealt with several related aspects of marriage
such as marital satisfaction, marital stability, and
marital adjustment.
The commonality between these
components of marriage is that they are all necessary
ingredients to make up a marriage which is high in quality
(Spanier & Lewis, 1980).
Statement of the Problem
In a review of the literature of the 1970's, Spanier
and Lewis (1980) found that "the field is still dominated
by the application of survey techniques."
Few research
projects employing observational techniques and other
innovative approaches have found their way into the
mainstream of published literature on marital quality.
"We are accustomed to devoting considerable research
time to marriages of low quality and low stability (i.e.,
unhappy marriages which end in divorce).
What about those
unhappy marriages which remain intact?" (Spanier and
Lewis, 198 0).
What about the high quality and high
stability marriages?
Why not look at the good instead of
the bad and learn from it?
The flaw with much of the past
research is that the testing has set limits on the couples
in the way that they can respond to what makes up a good
marriage.
The researchers have used methodologies that
require the couple to respond to questions that the
researchers felt were indicative of such aspects of
marriage as marital quality, stability, and satisfaction.
Gottman (1979) concluded in his literature review that
findings on marital satisfaction have indicated that there
is no one set of variables that are characteristic of
couples who report high marital satisfaction.
There do
not appear to be any empirical variables which have a high
statistical correlation with marital quality (Gottman,
1979) .
In the literature on marital quality and
communication,
there seems to be a frustrating lack of
congruence between the theoretical
definition of marital quality, hypotheses
developed to operationalize the theory,
research findings about these hypotheses,
and the implications of these for further
research (Dennis, 1987). Studying what
people say about themselves is no
substitute for studying how they behave.
Self-reports, particularly those given in
brief questionnaires, are subject to
massive distortion. Questionnaires and
scales of marital satisfaction and
dissatisfaction have yielded very little
(Raush et al., 1974, in Filsinger, 1981).
Researchers have not allowed couples the freedom to
describe to them, in their own words, what made their
marriage highly satisfying, stable, or successful.
The
researchers imposed their own views upon the couple as to
what they, as researchers, felt were the most important
factors of the a couple's marriage.
This study will allow
the individual couple to describe and build a typology of
what makes a good marriage for themselves as they see it.
Spanier and Cole (1976) suggest that to operationalize
their definition of marital adjustment, a set of items
(questions) or techniques needs to be developed to reflect
each component of their definition. The questions or
techniques developed would need to meet several criteria
as much as possible:
1.) They should be value free, making no assumption
about what characterizes a good marriage.
2.) They should be applicable to any adult dyadic
relationship which is similar to formal legal
marriage in that there are two clearly
differentiated social positions within a
committed relationship.
3.) They would allow the respondents to indicate
which variables are important in their
relationship.
Spanier and Cole also suggested that "an open-ended
interview with a professional counselor, therapist or
diagnostician who could evaluate marital adjustment in an
unstructured way but with regard to the same components"
is essential for analysis of marital adjustment.
The research that has been done in this area shows
varying, and many times, conflicting results and
conclusions.
Socio-statistical methodologies focus so
much on the "overall average" that the "richness" of the
individual case is lost; that is, the numbers alone cannot
explain the complex processes involved in marital quality.
"Quantitative research focuses upon the empirical and
objective analysis of discrete and preselected variables
that have been derived a priori as theoretical statements
in order to determine causal and measurable relationships
among the variables under study" (Leininger, 1985).
Qualitative research, on the other hand, allows the
subject to describe the meaning of experience in a
subjective and personal way.
It also recognizes that
people construct realities to make sense of their world
(Leininger, 1985).
In the qualitative realm, individuals are seen as
active participants in constructing and defining the
realities they encounter rather than as responding in
robot-like fashion.
There is also the assumption that it
is important to understand situations from the perspective
of the participants in the qualitative paradigm (Filstead,
1985).
"The context of individuals in marital
relationships may be the most relevant context for
studying marital quality" (Dennis, 1987).
Research has shown that a couple's perception of
variables is more important than the variables or
behaviors themselves.
For example, Scanzoni (1975) found
that a couple's reported marital satisfaction centers
around their perception of their economic situation
whether their income is adequate or not.
The context of research which hypothesized
that empirical referents were statistically
correlated with marital quality has not
been supported. However, the context of
theory which hypothesizes the couple's
perception of variables was related to
their marital quality was supported. This
suggests that theories about marital
quality, which define it as a subjective
evaluation, could be extended to
hypothesize that a couple's subjective
evaluation about demographic variables is
more valid than an objective measurement of
these variables (Dennis, 1987).
Spanier and Lewis (1980) point out that there is "a
growing awareness that studies of the quality of life are
finding few significant relationships between marital or
family quality and traditional demographic variables." The
context of the subjects and their subjective, qualitative
evaluations seems essential to include in theoretical
conceptualizations about marital quality (Dennis, 1987).
Socio-statistical research also tends to use large
samples which allow for generalization.
By doing this,
however, the researchers, "wash out" the information that
is needed to describe how some couples manage to cope
while others fail.
This is due in large part to the
assessment tools that they use (typically paper and
pencil).
These assessments have three characteristic
flaws:
1.) they cannot possibly contain enough material to
gain useful information, or if they could, they
would be too long and cumbersome to complete.
2.) the researchers using them begin the study with
preconceived notions on the outcome of the
study and what will be found.
3.) they do not let the couple construct and share
their ideas as to why their marriage was
successful or not and what qualities they feel
are important to the satisfactory development
of their marriage.
It is for these reasons that ethnographic interviews
(Spradley, 1979) will be used to interview couples and
allow them the freedom to describe what they feel are the
most important characteristics that make up a marriage
that is high in quality.
Ethnographies can paint a more
complete and needed description.
Ethnographies can also be generalized to the public at
large if it is so desired.
It is the purpose of this
study to lay the foundation for the development of a new
model of marital quality which is subject informed; that
is, a model that is constructed upon the perceptions of
couples rather than researchers.
The practical applications of such a model can readily
be seen.
It can be used extensively in the clinical
setting where therapists can use this model to help
struggling couples to better understand themselves and
their relationship.
The model could also be used to educate young couples
that are thinking of marriage, and can give some insight
to them as to what to expect.
Lastly, it can be used for the development of better,
and more substantive assessment techniques and devices.
CHAPTER II
LITERATURE REVIEW
Much of the early research in the marit.al field was
seen as conflicting, confusing and inconsistent. Several
researchers found evidence that they felt was indicative
of a marriage that is high in quality, and others who
found the same results concluded that they were indicative
of a marriage that is low in quality.
This chapter will look at several of the problems that
researchers have had with this topic in the past two
decades.
The development of the most common terms,
theories in marital research, some of the early research
in the field and finally a select look at some of the
present day material, will be reviewed.
Early Development
Defining terms such as marital adjustment,
satisfaction, stability, and quality has proven to be a
difficult task.
Graham B. Spanier and Charles L. Cole
(1976) compare defining terms such as these to defining
love: it is taken for granted that everyone knows what a
person means when the term is used.
This is not a
pragmatic way to study these issues, however.
8
For
scientific research to grow and develop, definitions of
terms need to be standardized and operationalized to be of
any significant use.
Marital adjustment was one of the first of these terms
used extensively in early research.
A good marriage was
seen as one in which the couple was highly adjusted to
each other and to their marriage.
Problems soon arose
with this definition, however, because there was no way of
operationalizing this that all researchers could agree
upon when researching marital adjustment. Burr (1973)
found it difficult to determine just what was meant by
this term.
He felt that the term marital adjustment was a
general and multifaceted term for which there is no
precise and clear-cut definition.
He felt the best
definition is one that is operational to instruments used
to study marital adjustment.
To put it simply, he felt
that the tools used to study marital adjustment should
determine its definition.
Spanier and Cole (1976), however, proposed a standard
to determine how well couples adjust to being married.
This standard is determined by the degree of:
1.) troublesome marital differences
2.) interspousal tensions and personal anxiety
3.) marital satisfaction
4.) dyadic cohesion
10
5.) consensus on matters of importance to marital
functioning
This standard also falls short as a solution: it does
not encompass all of the factors necessary to define a
"good marriage."
The idea that Spanier and Cole (1976)
have given does encompass another area of the marital
field, that of satisfaction, but it leaves out several key
aspects of marriage.
For example, the model mentions
nothing about the stability of the marriage or of the
quality of the marriage.
These are areas that research
needs to address.
Since a single, clear cut definition of marital
adjustment could not be obtained, it was also suggested by
Spanier and Cole (1976) that the term marital adjustment
be abandoned for
a more umbrella-like term, which conveys
the range of marital experiences previously
referred to as satisfaction, happiness,
adjustment, etc., and would allow us to
focus on what we are really interested
in—namely, the functioning and success of
the marital dyad—without having to debate
the confusing distinctions between the old
concepts.
Two terms
that follow Spanier and Cole's (1976)
suggestion have subsequently been developed and have found
their way into current literature.
They are marital
quality, proposed by David Klein (1973), and marital
stability.
11
Spanier, along with Robert A. Lewis (1979), has
developed excellent definitions for these two related
terms.
Marital stability is seen as "the formal or
informal status of a marriage as intact or nonintact."
Spanier and Lewis (1979) felt that a stable marriage was
one that was terminated by the death of one or both
spouses.
An unstable marriage was willingly terminated by
one or both spouses.
The most common form of willful
termination as defined by Spanier and Lewis (1979) is
divorce, but annulment and desertion are also included.
Researchers have tried to define what constitutes a
stable marriage, that is, the duration of the marriage.
Nye, White and Friederes (1969) have located three major
determinants of marital stability:
1.) Positive affect toward spouses
2.) Constraints against dissolution of the marriage
3.) Unattractive alternatives to marriage such as
singleness or remarriage.
Unfortunately, as with earlier ideas, the term marital
stability does not encompass all of the aspects of a
marriage.
The definition for marital stability implies
that if a marriage is stable, well adjusted, etc., it is
therefore good and satisfying for the couple.
This is not
the case, however, when it can be clearly seen that not
all the marriages that are stable, are good and
12
satisfying.
Bersheid (1983) showed that the endurance of
a relationship is not a good indicator of emotional
satisfaction since relationships with strong negative
emotions endure.
An excellent example of this is a couple
that has been married for twenty years but is not happy
and have stayed together for the "sake of their children."
Their marriage is stable, but not satisfying or of high
quality.
The term marital stability like the terms
marital adjustment and marital satisfaction does not
cover the entire range of what it means to have a "good"
marriage.
Use of the term marital quality seems to have
eliminated many of the problems that former definitions
have had.
Marital quality is defined by Spanier and Lewis
(1976) as
a subjective evaluation of a married
couple's relationship where the range of
evaluations constitutes a continuum
reflecting numerous characteristics of
marital interaction and marital
functioning. High marital quality,
therefore, is associated with good
judgement, adequate communication, a high
level of marital happiness, integration,
and a high degree of satisfaction with the
relationship.
Spanier and Lewis (1979) went on to say that
the single greatest predictor of
marital stability is marital quality, and
that it is probable that those marriages
with the poorest marital adjustment,
satisfaction, happiness, etc., will be more
13
likely to end in divorce or separation.
This relationship is mitigated at times by
more attractive alternatives, but may be
strengthened by external pressures to
remain married (Lewis & Spanier, 1979).
Therefore, for a marriage to be high in quality, it is
necessary for it to be high in adjustment, satisfaction,
and stability.
Without these ingredients, marital quality
does not exist.
Theories on Marital Quality
Through research, some interesting theories have
developed dealing with marital quality.
Cuber and Harroff
(1963) developed a typology of marital quality and
categorized American marriages as either:
1.) conflict-habituated, which involves a great
deal of fight by the couple, but is endured
and possibly enjoyed.
2.) devitalized, which involves little or no
fighting, but also little or not passionate
involvement.
3.) passive-congenial, where each partner is
involved as much, or more, outside of the
marriage as in it.
4.) vital, where the couple is highly involved with
each other, but not restrictive of the other so
that each may experience personal growth.
14
5.) total, in which the couple is constantly
together and intensely share all mutual
interests.
Burr (1973) developed a theory of marital quality that is
broken into three parts:
1.) Premarital factors—which include homogamy
between possible mates, resources for marital
role functioning, parental models, and support
from significant others, such as parents and
friends, toward the relationship.
2.) Social and Economic factors—which include
socioeconomic status of the couple, the wife's
work status, approval of the marriage by
friends and relatives, and the household
composition.
3.) Interpersonal and Dyadic Factors—such as
positive regard for their spouse, emotional
gratification in the form of expressing
affection, communication skills of the couple,
role fit, and interaction with each other and
other groups such as a church.
Huan and Stinnett (1982) have found that the common
factor of "comfortableness" is implied when talking about
many of the marital qualities.
They found six factors
necessary for relationship comfort.
They are:
15
1.) Empathy: trying to understand how the other
feels by "putting yourself in his/her shoes."
2.) Spontaneity: being able to be oneself without
inhibition.
3.) Trust: being able to count on the partner's
being honest in the end.
4.) Interest-care: being interested and
interesting, cared for and caring for one's
partner.
5.) Respect: having a high regard for and belief in
the other's right to be unique.
6.) Criticalness-hostility: a negative factor
showing that an individual is not respected or
appreciated.
The common factor with these three theories is they all
see marriage as having more than one dimension.
It
requires a variety of varying, and sometimes conflicting,
ingredients.
Spanier and Lewis (1979) have also developed an
Exchange Typology of Marital Quality and Marital
Stability.
This typology allows a marriage to be viewed
on the dimensions of quality and stability at the same
time.
This theory, however, adds a new dimension— time.
Unlike other theories, this typology allows the marriage
16
to be analyzed at different times during the marriage's
existence.
In brief, the single greatest predictor of marital
stability is marital quality, and
it is probable that
those marriages with the poorest marital adjustment,
satisfaction, happiness, etc., will be more likely to end
in divorce or separation.
This relationship is mitigated
at times by more attractive alternatives, but may be
strengthened by external pressures to remain married
(Spanier and Lewis, 1979). Marital quality is a
multidimensional aspect that cannot exist without its
constituent parts such as satisfaction, stability and
adjustment.
Marital quality also has another advantage that
previous terms did not: it can also be seen as having
different values at different times in the career of the
marriage.
The Spanier Dyadic Adjustment Scale
One of the instruments most widely used to evaluate a
couple's marital quality is the Dyadic Adjustment Scale
(DAS) developed by Spanier (1976).
The DAS is a highly
reliable and valid statistical measure and has been used
in over 1,000 research studies (Spanier, 1985).
17
The DAS is completed by individuals on the basis of a
subjective evaluation of their marriage.
then scored and summed.
The scale is
Each individual is then given a
DAS score which is used to determine satisfaction or
distress with the relationship for that individual
(Dennis, 1987).
The DAS is a 32 item scale which is completed by
individuals in a dyadic relationship.
The DAS was found
to have a total scale reliability of .96 using Cronbach's
coefficient alpha (Spanier, 1976).
The DAS was found to
have content validity by expert judges agreeing that the
scale did measure dyadic adjustment. The scale was also
shown to have criterion related validity by the mean total
scale scores for divorced and married subjects which were
significantly different at the .001 level.
A factor
analysis indicated that the 32 items that comprise the
test can be grouped into four distinct areas: dyadic
satisfaction, dyadic cohesion, dyadic consensus, and
affectional expression (Spanier, 1976).
Norton (1983) has pointed out that "the subtleties
involved in the operationalization of marital quality as a
dependent variable are critical."
To study marital
quality, research has typically created measures which
combine the variety of dimensions discussed earlier (ie:
adjustment, satisfaction, communication, etc.). "However,
18
if such variables are included in the assessment of the
dependent variable of marital quality, then they cannot
function as independent variables" (Norton, 1983).
The DAS does combine these "multidimensional"
variables into a single scale.
Norton (1983) discusses
four difficulties that are involved with using the DAS as
a dependent variable:
1.) areas of marital quality which are assessed as
part of the dependent variable cannot be used
as independent variables.
2.) items are weighed inappropriately—different
scales in the DAS have different point values
for their items.
3.) items are used disproportionately—there are
four affection items, thirteen agreement items,
ten satisfaction items, and five cohesive
items.
4.) factor analysis does not confirm the conceptual
definition.
From the research that has just been described, it is
safe to assume that the DAS is a valid and reliable tool
to assess satisfaction or dissatisfaction of an individual
within a dyad.
The DAS, however, has been used as a
dependent variable in the majority of the literature,
which is not its appropriate use.
19
The research that has been done in this area has
typically dealt with the components that make up marital
quality such as: marital satisfaction, marital stability,
and marital adjustment.
The commonality of these
ingredients of marriage is that they are necessary to make
up a marriage which is high in quality (Spanier & Lewis,
1980).
A variety of studies have been performed to try to
better understand the effects different variables have on
marital quality.
The amount of research and
number of publications that cover the issue of marital
quality is far too broad to be covered effectively here.
Therefore, four specific topics will be addressed in this
review. They are:
1.) the issue of curvilinearity vs linearity as it
effects marital quality.
2.) the birth of children.
3.) the effects of adult children on marital
quality.
4.) marital satisfaction for elderly couples.
Curvilinearity vs. Linearity
A serious disagreement about marital quality over the
marital career has developed.
Several researchers
(Rollins & Cannon, 1974; Rollins & Feldman, 1970; Spanier,
20
Lewis & Cole, 1975) feel that marital satisfaction and
marital quality follow a U-shaped pattern.
The married
couple starts with a high degree of marital quality and
satisfaction at the beginning of their marriage.
Soon
after, however, the couple's marital quality and
satisfaction begins and continues to drop.
This decline
in quality and satisfaction typically lasts until the last
child has left home or as they enter into retirement.
Swensen, Eskew and Kohlhepp (1981) give reasons for
this pattern.
They feel that demands (such as a job or
children) are made of an individual that are different
from those of his/her spouse.
Because of this, they grow
and develop along different paths.
These demands (i.e., a
business) keep the couple from having intimate contact
with each other.
A child's leaving or retirement provides
them with the opportunity to become reacquainted and
overcome their estrangement.
Swensen et al. (1981) also
found that over the life cycle child rearing was a
determinant of problems in the relationship.
Cuber and Harroff (1965), however, felt that decline
in marital quality and satisfaction is linear and that it
continues throughout the marriage, whether children are
present or not.
In a review of marital quality literature
in 1974, Rollins and Cannon came to the conclusion that
the reason results of the literature leaned toward
21
linearity was due to the instruments used to measure the
quality of the marriage.
These instruments were designed
for cross sectional analysis.
Another possible explanation for divergence in
findings is offered by Swensen et al. (1981).
They
proposed that as the marital couple gets older, the amount
of love disclosed between spouses decreases. This would
measure the couple as having a low quality marriage on the
examining instruments used.
However, the older couple
also showed they had fewer marital problems.
This implies
the couple has a high quality marriage.
It is easily seen that much of the research that has
been performed on marital quality in previous years has
been cross-sectional in design; that is, researchers have
studied marital issues at one point in the couple's
marital career and generalized their findings to the rest
of their marriage.
Recently, however, researchers have
started to see how marital quality changes over the course
of the marital career (Schumm & Bugaighis, 1986).
Lewis and Spanier (1979) have developed an Exchange
Typology of Marital Quality and Marital Stability.
This
typology allows a marriage to be viewed on dimensions of
quality and stability at the same time.
Unlike other
theories, this typology allows for marriages to be
analyzed at different times of their existence.
22
The Birth of Children
The issue of children's effect on their parents
marriage has received considerable attention in past few
years.
Children, for good or bad, do have some effect on
their parents.
Anderson, Russell and Schumm (1983)
suggested
that children compete for the amount of
time spouses are able to share with each
other in communication, that the presence
of children played a strong role in
determining the amount of discussion shared
between the spouses, as well as determining
the level of marital satisfaction perceived
by wives.
The research on effects children have on their
parent's marriage is divided.
Some researchers feel
children are a major part of a couple's not achieving
maximum satisfaction in marriage.
Others feel that
children are the reason couples have any marital
satisfaction (Cherlin, 1977).
Hicks and Piatt (197 0 ) , however, found the opposite to
be true.
These researchers concluded that children
detract from parents' overall marital quality.
Luckey and
Bain (1970), however, found that among marriages with low
satisfaction, children were the couple's only source of
mutual satisfaction.
Albrecht and Kunz (1980) found
children to be the second major determinant of a couple's
staying married, just below the need of financial support.
23
Cherlin (1977) found the issue of financial dependence to
be exceptionally true.
Some women stay in an unsatisfying
marriage because they have typically put their efforts
into making a home and do not have talents for a job;
therefore, it is hard for them to raise children by
themselves without a steady income (Cherlin, 1977).
Wallerstein and Kelly (1980) concluded that the
reason couples in their study had a longer than average
marriage was because children were present in families
studied.
Rankin and Maneker (1985) studied the importance
of children in explaining variation in duration of
marriages.
They found the presence of children is
associated with longer marital duration among the nation's
divorcing population.
Thornton (1977) found evidence to support both sides
of the issue; "women with large families and those with no
children were the most likely to experience disruption,
the lowest dissolution rates were found with those with
modest numbers of children."
The presence of children alone, however, is not the
only determinant of a couple's satisfaction.
For example,
Rodgers (197 3) felt that transitions in the family are
seen to bring about changes in the internal dynamics of
the family and, thereby, changes in the marriage.
One
24
transition that Rodgers felt occurred in the family was
the birth of a child.
A great deal of research has been done to support the
idea that births of children impact most marriages,
especially for women (Abbott & Brody, 1985; Feldman, 1971;
Rollins & Galligan, 1978; Russell, 1974; Waldron & Routh,
1981).
The birth of the first child to a satisfied
married couple was found to have detrimental effects on
couple's satisfaction (Feldman, 1971; Rollins & Galligan,
1978) .
This seems to be especially true for women.
In
studies performed by Ryder (1973), and Waldron and Routh
(1981), couples who were expecting their first child were
given a test to determine the level of their marital
satisfaction and were given the same test eight months
after their child was born. Wives' ratings of their
marital satisfaction dropped significantly from pretest to
post-test.
Husbands did not show any significant change
(Ryder, 1973; Waldron & Routh, 1981).
These wives also
reported that their overall degree of happiness in the
marriage declined after their child's birth.
Number of children also seems to be one determinant of
lower marital satisfaction, due to the fact the amount of
time spouses have to spend together decreases (Feldman,
1981; Luckey & Bain, 1970).
Again, the data are divided.
Rankin and Maneker (1985) found the presence of one or
25
more children is not related to an increase in marital
quality, while Abbott and Brody (1985) found that not only
were several children determinants of lower marital
quality, but if the children were male, effects were even
more significant for wives.
Mothers with female infants
reported no difference in their marital quality as
compared to childless wives (Abbott & Brody, 1985).
The
difference between sexes is explained in two ways:
1.) boys are more demanding temperamentally and
behaviorally than are girls
2.) when behavior problems occur with boys and the
mother tries to manage the problem, the husband
questions her actions (Patterson, 1980).
In brief, two children or the presence of male
children affect more parent-child and/or spousal conflict
because of the excessive demands placed on the couple,
especially the wife.
Late Life and Adult Children
Research that has been performed concerning the
relationship of older couples and their adult children has
dealt mainly with two variables:
1.) how often parents and children spend time
together.
2.) proximity (how close they live to each other).
26
There has been very little evidence to show a
relationship between parent and adult children's proximity
and the quality of their relationship (Shanas, Townsend &
Wedderburn, 1968) or frequency of interaction of the
parent and child and quality of the relationship (Conner,
Powers & Bultena, 1979; Larson, 1978; Mancini, Quinn &
Gavignon 1980;).
Other factors are seen to have an effect
at this stage of the parent/child relationship.
It was
found (Quinn, 1983) that the quality of the relationship
between parents and children has a strong effect on their
well being, second only to the parents' concern for their
physical health.
Quinn (1983) also found that interaction
of three "quality dimensions" of interaction between
parents and children were correlated with the quality of
their relationship. These "quality dimensions" are
affection, communication, and consensus. The key aspect
stressed here is interaction of dimensions.
Elderly Couples
Research on how elderly couples perceive their
marriage has increased in the last two decades.
With an
increase in life expectancy, smaller families and a
reduced number of child-bearing years, couples are faced
with more time together with the children out of the home
27
(Glick, 1977; Borland, 1982; Norton, 1983).
This time
spent together without children in the home has increased
from an average of two years, to thirteen years over the
last eight decades (Glick, 1977).
It would seem that the
marital relationship would undergo significant change
during this period of the couple's life as well.
With the "launching" of children, marital satisfaction
appears to increase slightly (Rollins & Cannon, 1974;
Spanier et al., 1975).
Other studies suggest that this
period of the relationships history is one of the happiest
and most satisfying of life (Stinnett et al., 1972; Glenn,
1975) .
Why exactly does this occur?
Stinnett et al. (1970,
1972) suggests that once the children leave home, the
couple leave their former roles and institutions and rely
on each other for emotional security and companionship.
The couple has more energy to devote to each other and can
interact more together.
In a review of the literature done by Stinnett et al.
(1970) and Stinnett et al. (1972), several aspects of
marital relationships have been discovered.
The findings
in these research studies is consistent with research done
in other areas of marital satisfaction; much of the
findings in different studies contradict one another.
28
1.) Many older couples feel that their married life
is as satisfying or more so than in previous
years (Fried & Stern, 1948; Bossard & Boll,
1955; Lipman, 1961).
2.) Marital satisfaction declines in later years,
particularly in the lower socioeconomic class,
and marriages where a small deal of shared
companionship and satisfaction existed in the
earlier years of the marriage (Townsend, 1957;
Blood & Wolfe, 1960; Safilios-Rothschild,
1967).
3.) Marriages seen as satisfactory or
unsatisfactory have been seen as such from the
beginning of the marital relationship (Fried &
Stern, 1948).
4.) "Love is the area of greatest marital need
satisfaction for both older husbands and wives"
(Stinnett et al., 1970).
5.) "Marriage appears to contribute to morale and
continued activity during the later years, and
a high degree of marital need satisfaction is
positively related to a high degree of morale
(Stinnett et al., 1972; Neugarten, Havighurst,
& Tobin, 1961; Goldfarb, 1968; Stinnett et al..
1970).
29
The major conclusion drawn from the Stinnett et al.
(1972) research was
the older husbands and wives in this sample
expressed very favorable perceptions of
their marriage relationships and present
period of life. As a group, the respondents
tended to perceive their marriage
relationships as improving and increasing
in satisfaction with the later stages of
married life. These results suggest that
progressive marital disenchantment over the
life cycle is a myth.
Feldman (1964, 1969) outlines three stages of
postparental life:
1.) Launching: where one or more children have left
home and one or more are still at home, the
couple is satisfied with their marriage. This
satisfaction is exceeded only by honeymooners
and the elderly.
The couple's focus is still
on their children and they still argue, and
looking back on their marriage, they are not
happy about it.
2.) Launched, wife under 65: These couples are less
satisfied than those with children at home.
A
high value is placed on calmness and
companionship, and a low value on romance.
3.) Launched, elderly: These couples are distinctly
different from the previous two. These couples
are preoccupied with health matters and topics
30
of discussion usually center around home
repairs and religion. "Perhaps the outstanding
characteristic of this group is the general
feeling of peacefulness, lack of stress, and
satisfaction with the marriage, in which they
approach the level of the newly married."
Two major events mark the marital relation in the
second half of life; they are the shift of focus from the
children to each other following the last child's leaving,
and the incorporation of the husband in the household
after retirement.
Lipman (1960, 1961, 1962) supported Feldman's theory
of the effects of the husband's retiring.
He found that
the couple begins to have undifferentiated roles.
The
husband moves away from an instrumental role of the "good
provider" and takes on a more expressive role by "helping
in the house.
The wife moves from her instrumental role
of a "good homemaker" to an even more expressive role of
"loving and understanding."
Summary
To summarize, children do make an impact on their
parent's marital quality for many, but not all, couples.
Marital quality was also seen to change over time.
marital couple starts marriage with a high degree of
The
31
marital quality, but soon drops off, only to rise again
after the departure of the last child from home or at the
beginning of retirement.
This suggests that marital
quality is curvilinear over time for most couples.
It was shown that proximity and the amount of time
spent between the couple and their adult children did not
improve the quality of the relationship.
However, quality
time spent between the parents and their adult children
did appear to make the relationship better.
Lastly, with an increase in the amount of time that
the couple has to spend together and devote to each other
with the absence of children, marital satisfaction seems
to increase.
The couple's marital satisfaction is at its
highest level in the marriage since the "honeymoon" stage.
The couples begins to rely upon each other for
companionship and security.
Also, "love" is seen as the
greatest marital need for couples.
CHAPTER III
METHODS
Identifying Informants
The target subjects for this study will consist of
male/female married couples.
Couples selected for
inclusion into the population pool from which a sample
will be drawn must meet the following criteria:
1.) The couple must be married for a minimum of
thirty years.
2.) The couple must define their marriage as being
high in quality.
3.) Peers must also identify the couple as having a
"good" marriage that is high in quality.
4.) The couple's children, if any, must no longer be
a part of the couple's household.
To meet the third criteria mentioned above, religious
organizations throughout the city of Remsen, Iowa, will be
contacted for possible informants. The ministers or
priests of these organizations will be approached and
asked to identify couples in their respective
congregations that meet the above specifications.
Each of the potential couples identified will be
required to complete a DAS (Spanier, 1975).
The couples
that are identified as having a "good" marriage will be
32
33
used as the population pool from which the sample will be
drawn for the study.
The Interview
The ethnographic interview described by Spradley
(1979) will be used to study the married couples.
The
interviewer in Spradley's (1979) model takes on the role
of a "learner" during the
interview, and the couple
assume the role of "teachers."
The interviews are
conducted in such a way as to help the "learner"
understand the culture that the "teachers" are in as the
"teachers" understand it.
In this study, the identified
culture is the couple's marriage.
There are three basic elements that comprise
Spradley's (1979) ethnographic interview:
1.) The explicit purpose of the interview
2.) An explanation of the purpose and process of
the interview is given.
3.) Three types of questions are used:
a.) Descriptive questions; used to have the
informants describe certain aspects or
areas of their culture to gain a better
understanding and language of the culture
b.) Structural questions; used to discover
domains.
34
c.) Contrast questions; used to discover
meaning and distinguish objects and events
in the world (Spradley, 1979).
Procedure
The interviews will typically be conducted in the home
of the informants at times that are convenient for them.
This allows the couple to be interviewed in a surrounding
that is familiar and comfortable to them. Also, this will
decrease the likelihood of the couple's not showing up for
scheduled meetings if the interviews were held at a
neutral site.
The interviews will have no specific time frame, but
it is anticipated that they will last for approximately
one hour.
Both partners in the couple will be interviewed
simultaneously.
Neither informant's information will be
regarded as "more valuable" than the other's.
With the permission of the informants, the interviews
will be audio taped and the interviewer will take notes of
the conversation for accurate translation of the
interview.
The audio tapes will be transcribed after each
interview and be reviewed before the next meeting with the
couple.
Although the interview will be directed by the
informants, there will be two structured questions used in
35
the first interview to give guidance and purpose to the
interview:
1.) At the beginning of the first interview, the
interviewer will start the interview with the
statement: "I'm interested in couples who have
had a long marriage, have raised their
children, and have a happy marriage now. Would
you tell me the story of what it's like to be
in your marriage now?
We'll take as much time
as you need to tell me."
2.) At the end of the first session the interviewer
will request "Would you keep a brief written
log of your general daily activities,
especially any significant relationship events
of the day, things that happened during the day
that stood out in your mind?
List general
activities and relationship events by morning,
afternoon, evening.
Do this for a few minutes
before you go to bed." The diary will be used
as a secondary source of information and in the
following interviews as topics of discussion.
Analysis
"The process of analysis in ethnographic inquiry is
cyclical.
The process of question-discovery occurs after
each interview" (Spradley, 1979).
Questions are planned
36
for an interview based upon analysis of previous
interviews.
Spradley's (1980) method of analysis will be
used to define the "culture" of the couple's marriage.
Spradley has developed three areas of analysis in the
ethnographic interview that will be used for this study:
1.) Domain analysis which is used to define
categories of meaning within the culture.
Objects, events, and activities can take on
unique meaning in different cultures.
2.) Componential analysis which is used to define
attributes associated with the culture.
3.) Theme analysis which is used to obtain
specific themes and ideas of the culture.
CHAPTER IV
RESULTS
The interviews for this study targeted a specific
domain, that of marital quality in later years of
marriage.
Seven characteristics of marital quality were
found through the process of interviewing.
These
characteristics are: higher satisfaction, commitment,
comfortableness, love, crisis, children, faith, and small
community.
These characteristics are perceived as
included terms for the domain of marital quality in later
years of marriage.
At the next lowest level, each of
these included terms can be looked at as a domain with
included terms and phrases of its own. Figure 1 gives a
visual delineation of domains in this study.
The results section will be comprised of two main
parts.
The purpose of part one is to provide the reader
with a detailed overview of the primary domains which
emerged during the interviews conducted with couples in
this study.
Such a structural delineation is intended to
provide the reader with a general impression of each of
these domains as well as expose the reader to the range of
terms and phrases the couples used when discussing each of
these topics.
This delineation requires a separation of
one topic of discussion (domain) from another.
37
Much of
38
^ r e s p e c t for each o t h e r
^Higher S a t i s f a c t i o n ^ ^ s p i r i t u a l u n i t y
\
happier
\inderstanding
:ommitment'
^Comf ortableness'
u
<D
-P
OJ <D
^
tiD
cd
•H U
U
>» OJ
-P S
•H
H CM
cd O
H
cd
Cd (D
a r r i e d for l i f e
• t i l death do us p a r t
o t a l commitment
daily living
intimacy
meshed into one
communication
Love
(Mutual Respect)
reality
caring for a person
giving without receiving
common courtesies
Crisis
make the best of everything
important things in life
priorities in order
+^ M
•H
U
cd
:hildren
^Faith
^Small Community
learning experience
good for a marriage
respect for children
open-mindedness
honesty
responsibility
know each other better
more encouragement
intimacy
social pressure
Figure 1. Taxonomy of Marital Quality
39
the richness that the interviews provide in each of these
domains is lost through this process.
As a result, part
two of the results section will present a procedural
delineation of the domains in the form of an idealized
dialogue between an ethnographer and a couple.
The
interview in part two will be constructed from verbatim
quotes taken from actual interviews.
The interview is
broken into its appropriate domains for the convenience of
the reader.
The constructed interview is a conglomeration of all
of the couples that participated in the study and the
names and places mentioned in the interview have been
changed for the sake of confidentiality.
It should be noted that the couples were asked to keep
the daily diary of their activities, and were also given
the DAS at the end of the interview series.
These
activities did not provide any information of significant
importance as anticipated.
Therefore, the results of
these activities are omitted.
Part I
Domain: Higher Satisfaction
Characteristic of Higher Satisfaction
I think we respect each other more; becomes deeper and
more of a spiritual unity; one in spirit; a person's
happier and more understanding now than earlier, I think,
40
as a marriage goes along; things that troubled you
earlier, they don't now; you understand each other better;
more a part of you; you keep the vintage wine to the last;
I love him/her more; the longer you are married the closer
you get to each other; you get more attached to each
other.
Elaboration
One of the first domains to appear with each of the
couples was that their marriage was better now than it had
ever been.
They described that having their marriage
becoming better took a great deal of hard work; it was a
developmental process that required years to accomplish.
They did not feel that they had a bad marriage when they
first became married, but that their married life grew
better.
They also stated that they found out what truly were
the most important things in life.
For example, a true
understanding of the person seems to develop.
Many of the
couples gave the example that both start to think alike
and they have found a true meaning of love for themselves.
One couple used the parable of the wedding feast of Canaan
from the Bible to describe this increased love that they
feel for each other now: that the best and choicest wine
is saved for the end to be savored and relished the most.
41
Problems are less severe and the couple can sit back and
enjoy life and each other more than in previous years.
Domain: Commitment
Characteristics of Commitment
Believed you were married for life; I'll have to live
with you tomorrow; a different attitude; the quality seems
to be different, they [people in contemporary marriages]
are not quite as willing to give; accept the rules of the
game; in other words, marriage is for keeps; it's until
death do us part; you need to persevere; people approach
marriage with a trial and error attitude;
it's too easy
to get a divorce; I think that it involves total
commitment; I think it involves more than going halfway;
work through their problems;
we've had our problems.
Elaboration
One of the most pronounced domains to be found was
that of commitment.
Each of the couples stated that the
success of their marriage was due in large to an
unshakable belief that when they got married, it was a
life-long commitment.
All of the couples were willing to
"accept the rules of the game"—that is, marriage is
forever.
No matter what happened in their marriage, they
were determined to work through it.
This was not to say
that their relationship did not have its trying moments
42
for the couples.
Many of the couples used the analogy
that they "never considered divorce, but I have often
thought of a gun" as a humorous example of exactly what
the couples meant by this deep commitment that they had
for each other.
Many made the statement that they felt society was one
of the main causes in the breakdown of marriage.
For
example, they felt that a divorce has become too easily
obtained and that society is more likely to encourage a
couple to breakup in times of trouble than it is to try to
help them stick together to work things out.
They did
feel, however, that some marriages were not meant to be
and that divorce may be the only option available, but
these instances are rare.
abuse and neglect.
Examples of this are physical
For the most part, these instances
were seen as the exception and not the rule.
The couples
did not specify how they obtained this unshakeable belief,
and they do not see any way to teach this to couples who
are about to be married.
They felt that it can only be
taught in the home from an early age and that it is
learned through the example of the parents.
Domain: Comfortableness
Characteristic of Comfortableness
Part of it is from just daily living; he knew it was
important to me; know each other better; by living that
43
closely in a marriage; intimacy; you're getting to be more
one person than two persons; meshed into one personality;
wasn't nice when I wasn't here; communication; goals;
communication enriches a marriage just like goals enrich
your life; I was that comfortable; I don't think it's
taking advantage of that person; you're a team.
Elaboration
The couples described being comfortable as "really
knowing a person."
By living together, they came to know
what was "really important" to each other.
For example,
one couple described the importance of family traditions
in her family that were not seen as important in his. When
he found out that these traditions were of significant
importance to her, he went out of his way to instill them
in their family.
Another example of this is described by
one couple as "doing things for the other person that are
special." In this case, they were describing an unexpected
vacation that the husband surprised his wife with on their
anniversary.
A sense of "intimacy" was found between the two.
described this feeling as "nice."
Many
An example of this is
"it is nice to just have her in the house.
When she's
gone somewhere, it doesn't feel right in the house." They
also describe comfortable as being able to speak for their
44
partner when the partner wasn't there and knowing that it
would be all right.
Domain; Love (Mutual Respects
Characteristic of Love (Mutual Respect)
They think it's going to be a rose garden; it's a rose
garden, but there's an awful lot of thorns; a state of
insanity; commitment; work through it; mesh together;
reality sets in; I didn't know what love was; sharing
through the years; you just get to care for a person more;
but all those years together and the way they care for
each other I guess that's what I call love; it's giving
without receiving, and yet you are receiving; it's better
than what you thought it was when you got married; this is
the good part; far more enjoyable; it becomes deeper and
stronger through living together; love is not passion;
love is a mutual respect; I think love is caring for each
other; concern for each other; conducting yourself in such
a manner that you feel it will be pleasing to the other
person; a whole lot depends on how you were raised too;
the common courtesies of life.
Elaboration
All of the couples stated that they went into their
marriage with very idealistic expectations of marriage.
They felt that they knew that they loved each other, but
45
looking back now, they feel that they didn't know what
love really was.
Before they were married, they felt that
their marriage was going to be easy and that they would
never have any problems between themselves or with their
family.
They soon learned that this was not the case.
They all felt that marriage was a good and worthwhile
institution, but a couple must be prepared for the rough
times as well as the good.
One couple specifically asked
me to tell young couples that marriage is a rose garden,
but watch out for the thorns.
They gave several examples of what love was not.
For
example, "love is not passion, love is not sex or what you
see on television." They felt that sex and physical
attraction was "nice at the beginning," but that it is not
the basis for their love for each other.
They feel that
they have passed on to a higher abstraction of love.
It's
"giving without receiving, but yet you are receiving."
"Love is a mutual respect."
They felt that love was
"conducting yourself in such a manner that is pleasing to
your spouse."
They also felt that love can be shown
through "the common courtesies of life."
These were
described as opening doors for your wife, holding her
chair, and courtesies in communication.
They felt that
these are small things and they can be do them for
themselves
but they do them for each other because that
person stands for something special.
46
Others felt that it was doing small things for each
other that the other appreciated that makes the
difference.
An example of this is rubbing her husband's
back when he had a hard day, or doing things for his wife
when she was pregnant.
Domain: Crisis
Characteristics of Crisis
Problems; it looks perfect from the outside, but I'm
sure every family has its problems; you look at the
broader, the bigger view; everything works together for
the good, even the bad; accept both the bad and the good;
make the best of everything; look on problems not as
problems, but as challenges; you feel like you become more
united; you look upon life a great deal differently; you
realize that there are more important things in life than
money and things that are material; it was a blessing in
disguise; turn a scar into a star; but it actually teaches
you a lesson; almost every bad thing teaches a lesson; a
much stronger person afterwards than you were before; it's
a learning experience; we love each other and that we knew
these problems were going to come up, and that we were
going to see them through; we talked things over; we
always worked together; sharing; when you've survived
something you come up in the better for having gone
through it together than maybe if you don't have them;
47
things you thought were kind of a major problem, looked
pretty minute after a crisis; you turn a lot of cobs over
on the fire at a time like that; get your priorities in
order; you don't wish for these crises; it makes you a
stronger person or a more understanding person.
Elaboration
Each of the couples described at least one crisis in
their life that they had to go through together, thereby
making their marriage stronger.
The key factor with all
of these crises was that they were not seen just as a bad
event, but a chance to grow and develop together. They
felt that it typically brought them closer together rather
than pushed them apart.
"united."
They felt that they became more
Many of the couples gave an example of
financial crises that they went through, or a physical
illness of one of them, or of one of their children.
Again, they discovered what was "really important in
life."
For example, one wife gave an example of when her
husband was in the hospital and almost died.
Things that
she felt were problems didn't seem very important when
faced with the possibility of her spouse dying.
They
described this as a "turning point" in their relationship.
They also went into their marriage knowing that these
problems were going to arise, and they had a firm belief
that they were going to see them through.
This relates to
48
the domain of commitment and couple's determination to
make their marriage work, no matter what the problem.
Domain: Children
Characteristics of Children
Because we've had problems, it's brought us closer
together; I think, when they are small, their problems are
small, and when they get big, their problems are bigger;
our frame of reference is so different; concern for your
children; it's a learning experience; kids are good for a
marriage; I quit early at night because I didn't want to
be late at night; I think it's important to be with your
children as much as you can; they were an important part;
to this day our children are very close; we knew where our
kids were; part of it is respect; children up on a farm
and that's a better place for you to bring them up.
Elaboration
Children were seen as a asset to a marriage by each of
the couples.
Again, they help the couple to get their
priorities in order as to what is really important in
their lives.
marriage.
Children were seen as a benefit to their
Much like the crises that the couples went
through but found the good amid the bad, these couples
looked at the benefits that the children gave them.
Some
of these benefits are a feeling of satisfaction in raising
49
the future generations in the "right way" or the pleasure
that they were to have in the home.
The couples did not
feel that a couple could be married without having
children.
parents.
The children were seen as teachers of the
For example, the children were the teachers of
patience and humility.
They also felt that it was important to spend as much
time with the children as possible: to be with them and
interact with them.
They felt that always knowing where
their children were was a significant factor in the
success of their marriage and this also helped to promote
a healthy society.
Domain: Faith
Characteristics of Faith
Faith goes way beyond the structural framework;
I
have a lot of respect for all religions; open-mindedness;
biblical principles; honesty, responsibility, and
certainly no adultery; your faith in God; everything stems
from God; you have to keep that love; bring God into the
marriage; it takes three to get married.
Elaboration
Faith of some sort was seen as a significant factor in
a successful marriage.
It did not matter what religion
the couple practiced, just so long as there was some faith
50
of some kind.
It was necessary, however, for the spouses
to have the same faith.
They felt that something as
intimate as their faith needed to be shared. For one
person to believe something different from the other was
seen as potentially dangerous to the success of the
marriage, not that it wasn't insurmountable, but that a
couple starting out together has enough problems without
adding more. They also felt that one faith for the couple
is necessary because the entire family can share in prayer
together which strengthens both the marriage and the
family.
Domain: Small Community
Characteristics of Small Community
I think they have more things to do; get to know each
other a little closer; people in the community help in
some way because they, on the outside, probably see a lot
of good in that couple being together; this extended
family that people have makes a difference in making a
marriage work; you'll get more encouragement from the
people in your small communities to try to make things
work; but I think people really do care about people;
intimacy of the small community; I think our small
communities do reach out to people; separation and divorce
would practically make you a social outcast.
51
Elaboration
One of the last domains to be identified, but not the
least important, was that of a small community.
The
couples felt that a small community promotes the success
of the marriage in several ways.
One of the most
pronounced was that of peer pressure.
A person was seen
as a social outcast if they were divorced. The community
would look upon divorce as a sign of disturbance in the
individuals.
They also felt that small communities truly care about
people and try to promote the couple's staying together.
They felt that a small community would be more encouraging
in having the couple stay together because they have many
close friends who may be more objective, where in a big
city, there aren't as many close friends and objective
co-workers who don't know the couple intimately.
Part II
Characteristics of Higher Satisfaction
Ethnographer: What I'm interested in are couples who have
had a long marriage, who have raised their children and
the children are gone now, and who have a happy marriage
now.
Can you tell me what it's like to be in your
marriage now? We'll take as much time as you need.
52
Wife: It's a lot different now than when we were first
married.
Ethnographer; How is it different now?
Wife: Well, when you're first married, I think a lot of it
is physical attraction and as you grow older it becomes
deeper and more of a spiritual unity.
In that we're
certainly unified.
Ethnographer: You have become one, or...
Husband:
I suppose things that bothered you or troubled
you earlier, they don't now.
better.
You understand each other
They're more a part of you and it's easier. These
years get better as you go along.
And yet it isn't that
you never have to stop and talk.
Wife:
It's worthwhile to hang in there.
I think that's
because we're just starting to reap that, aren't we Dad?
It really is worthwhile, but it's a struggle to get there.
Husband:
last
They always say you keep the vintage wine to the
but you don't know that when you first get married.
53
Wife:
But, see, you really don't know.
Because when
you're in love and fall in love you think this is so
important. It's frightening when you look back and think
you thought I was going to make a go of this.
my God, how lucky have I been.
I think oh
It's frightening, it
really is.
Husband:
It's a good thing you don't know all these
things going into marriage.
Wife;
'Cause if we'd known then what we know now, we
probably both would have headed in the other direction.
Because it's tough.
is easy.
I wouldn't tell anybody that marriage
But it beats the hell out of being alone.
Characteristics of Commitment
Husband: And when we got married, we felt that it was for
life.
Wife:
And the gals, we were talking this morning.
I
think when we got married you believed you were married
for life.
That was really true.
married, you're married.
When they said you were
I really don't think a lot of
young people go in with that attitude today.
what you do, the hell with you.
I don't like
But you think, hey, I've
got to wake up tomorrow and still live with you.
That's
54
what he used to say to me when he was angry.
Might as
well make up with you because I got to live with you
tomorrow.
And that's a different attitude than hey, I
don't like you so I don't have to do it.
I've seen some
of that, now that girls have a better education and are
more able to take care of themselves.
dependent on a man any more.
you when we don't like it.
They aren't as
So they say the heck with
In our day and age most women,
there wasn't much you could do if that marriage didn't
work if you didn't have an education.
It left a woman in
real bad shape to be able to take care of herself and her
family. Where today a lot of women are capable of making
just as good of a living as a man.
So that the quality
seems to be different, but I think it's also tougher on a
marriage because I don't think they are quite as willing
to give. That's what I see.
Husband:
I might be wrong.
I think we were both satisfied to accept the
rules of the game.
In other words, marriage is for keeps.
In the ceremony it's until death do us part.
that.
We work it.
We believe
It's proved to be right for us.
don't think that there isn't a time where it's easy.
I
I
think there are times when it's difficult, but you need to
persevere.
Same as life.
55
Wife:
You can't just drop your hand, and I'm all through
with it.
Husband:
You can't give up; you've got to stay in there.
Work it out.
Communication again is to me the key.
I
think that some of our laws encourage people to approach
marriage with a trial and error attitude.
to get a divorce, for instance.
It's too easy
In fact I've heard young
people say we'll give it a try.
Wife:
You do try.
Husband:
You try and you try and you try.
But you have to keep trying, you can't give up
trying.
Wife:
It's not this trial and error business, it's try
and try.
Husband:
We've kind of talked about this, and we feel
that at the time we were married, you know, you just
looked upon divorce and separation as, you know, people
just didn't do it in those days, and actually you looked
upon it that anybody that did it were failures; you looked
like you were missing the boat or there was something
definitely wrong because everybody in the whole community
56
looked upon divorce as being something that you just
didn't do.
Wife:
Well, I think that it involves total commitment.
Husband:
That's right.
Ethnographer: What all goes into total commitment?
Wife:
Oh.
I think it involves more than going halfway. I
think there are many times when you have to go 100% of the
way.
Characteristics of Comfortableness
Wife:
Part of it is respect.
You do understand because
you respect that person so when they say something because
you respect them you can understand that that's where
they're coming from.
And I guess part of it is from just
daily living.
Husband:
Understanding or knowing or whatever, maybe a
person is using understanding but maybe you get to know
each other better.
V/ife;
By living that closely in a marriage—intimacy,
maybe that's what it is.
57
Husband:
You're getting to be more one person than two
persons.
Wife;
It's kind of like my folks at one time.
They were
married 55 years and when my mother passed away my dad
said "it's like half of me is dead.
I really don't feel
alive, I'm not complete any more." The two had meshed that
much into one personality that when mom was gone it—it's
really a compliment to somebody when you get to that
degree although the hurt is terrible for them.
wasn't two people any more, that was one person.
shared so much.
But it
You've
It's nice to be that comfortable with
somebody and get a chance to live that long with somebody.
Ethnographer: It sounds like your relationship is e v e n —
comfortable is a weak word to use.
Wife:
Yes, but it is.
Wouldn't you call that comfortable
most days?
Husband:
Wife:
I guess comfortable o r —
Or like you said the one day when you came in it
wasn't nice when I wasn't here.
home and holler: Mom, Mom.
It's nice when you come
And he says it isn't as nice
like the days I'm gone he comes in to have lunch at noon.
58
It isn't as nice to be in that house alone.
It's
comfortable that Mom is there.
Ethnographer: Is it as comfortable with Mom here and the
kids not here, or what is the ultimate state of
comfortableness?
Husband:
That's probably the most comfortable.
the kids.
Without
You're concerned about all of them even though
they're gone.
After they get married or something, it's
kind of a load unloaded.
It's their life, it's their life
before, but you feel comfortable things are going good for
them.
Wife:
Now once in a while you will come up with
something, it will be nearly noon and he has to go get a
part or something, come on we'll stop somewhere and have
lunch.
Ride along with me.
do when the kids were small.
Those are things you couldn't
And you enjoy doing that or
you feel like you can do something you couldn't do before
because the responsibility of having these kids in putting
them through school, now you feel maybe I can enjoy life
more.
I'll take this trip or I can buy this car or
something.
59
Husband:
Something as intimate as marriage, you've got
two different ways of life that you're brought up under.
More so than just your family and my family.
the same but they don't think the same.
They aren't
You bring into
marriage a lot what you were taught at home.
And, of
course, that's where you have two home ideas coming
together and then you have to adjust to those things. But,
basically if you have a good family life, you've got that
to work out.
What you were taught at home you think
that's the right approach and the other one thinks theirs
is the right approach.
Wife:
In the community I grew up in, young girls did not
go to bars.
There were certain kinds of girls that went
to bars, but nice girls didn't go to bars.
goes to a bar.
Here everybody
When my girls started meeting their
friends at the bar I thought it was terrible.
It probably
sounds silly to you, but it doesn't to someone who was
brought up that way.
Or even Christmas time. You might
come from a family that doesn't spend much at Christmas
and the other person thought Christmas was very important
and spend all kinds of money.
We even go in debt for it.
Now that sounds silly, but boy you have to make an
adjustment when that time comes.
You have two strong
wills most generally that, you know, if this was the way
that you were brought up it's important.
You find out
60
when you're married how you were brought up and the things
you believe are important.
But all of the sudden here's
somebody saying to you well we got to get this for
Christmas, and the other says we're not going to spend any
money for Christmas. That's contention.
It sounds silly,
but those are the little things that make the difference.
I suppose that would vary from couple to couple what's
really important to them.
And that's something you have
to get through your communication is what do you want out
of life.
And decide if you both want it.
I guess, like
ours was, I can always remember my husband saying that
someday I want to drive a nail for myself not for somebody
else.
place.
His dream was that someday he would own his own
So I knew that was something that he was going to
be working for.
I didn't know much about farming, but if
that's what he wanted, then I thought well that's what
we'll work for. And as time went on then I realized that
it became important to me.
And see we both believe in
educating our children, and that was a priority that we
had.
I'm sure it's different for everyone what they want.
But you have to have goals.
Husband:
Just like a person's going to school and finding
their life, you have goals and I think that as a couple,
when they get married, they'll have goals.
61
Wife:
You have to have something that you're working for.
Husband:
Married or even prior, I'm sure, to marriage a
couple has some goals they might discuss.
Wife:
Like he said I wanted to marry a millionaire, but
he didn't.
I think he knew, you have to have something to
work for and toward.
And when one goal is made then
another one comes along otherwise there's nothing to live
for either.
I don't think you ever get done finishing,
you're always reaching for and want to do.
Husband:
It enriches a marriage just like these goals
enrich your life.
Wife:
I always wanted to go back to school.
college one year.
I was in
And then I went ten years to college to
finish my degree.
Ethnographer: Really?
Wife:
I just finished it two years ago.
science.
In social
Just a well rounded liberal arts education.
went to school toward an education.
I
I really believe in
an education and that's what I wanted to go for.
And as
things started to go better, he said, if you want to, go.
62
Just took one or two courses and so I drug over there for
ten years, but see, that's something that I wanted and he
knew I wanted.
That's part of that love.
that's what you want and it's important.
was good for the kids too.
He said I know
And I think it
I think when they saw that I
was doing it that was an example to them.
I was taking
tests and doing things when the kids were doing it so I
could understand where they were coming from.
Husband:
Besides that she wasn't here that whole time so
they had to put up with it.
Wife:
They were probably glad to have me gone once in
awhile.
But I'm not knocking somebody that likes to go
out, to some people maybe it's just having a beautiful
garden or beautiful yard or something like that.
the difference in people, what you want to do.
That's
Just as
long as you have something.
Ethnographer: As long as you have some goals.
Wife:
I guess this morning is a good example.
I said
honey you've got to get up at 5 o'clock this morning and
help me clean.
We had our annual church cleaning.
And
yesterday we had a professional guy come in and clean the
rug.
Well it wasn't dry and we had to go somewhere last
63
night and I wanted to vacuum the rug after it was dry
before they put the altar and everything on.
Well,
because we were gone last night I couldn't do that.
So I
said to Father, "would it be ok if I came in real early
tomorrow morning?
belongs.
I'll have the altar back up where it
John and I will come in at 5:00 in the morning."
Now I was that comfortable and see he loves me that much.
I said. Can we set the alarm at 5:00, and will you go in
with me and help me vacuum and put the altar back?" See, I
felt secure in saying he would do it.
He knew it was
important and it was something that had to be done.
guess that's where it's comfortable.
Not taking advantage
of him, but he knew this was something I had to do.
got up at 5:00 and went in.
I
So we
He was busy so I couldn't ask
him yesterday, but I was sure.
He wasn't there and I had
to make a decision about what I was going to do.
But I
was just as sure because I am comfortable that he would go
along and help me with this.
Husband:
Now I imagine there's a lot that can't name
anything specifically now, but the other one isn't there .
Wife:
You've got to make a decision and you make it.
know your partner will go along with you on it.
just one example.
He might be somewhere
. . . .
You
That's
64
Husband:
I don't know if you call that comfortable or
just knowing somebody.
Wife;
I don't think it's taking advantage of that person.
You're really asking them to do something that's your
obligation, but you're accepting it for both of you in a
way.
You're a team.
it's not comfortable.
If he's not in bed sleeping with me,
Like when he was in the hospital.
You live with a person long enough.
He was in the
hospital for a couple days and it's just so nice to know
he's back home.
You go to bed together, that's
comfortable.
Husband:
The house is empty.
Say they're gone for a day
or two and you come in, it isn't as comfortable.
It's
almost discomfort, but it isn't total loneliness.
Wife;
But the house is empty when you're there alone.
That comes over a period of time.
The minute you open
that door you know, like if I'm here all day or I know
he's going to be there at night, the house isn't lonely
during the day.
But when he was in the hospital for a few
days and I came home, the house is empty.
different.
I know he isn't going to be there.
just that comfortable with a person.
money.
But it's
You're
Or I could go spend
I don't ask him anymore if I can spend money.
I
65
know what I can spend.
We laugh about it because when we
were first married I had to ask him if I can spend money.
I know what I can spend.
And I know at which point he
would no longer would like it.
So I'm comfortable and I
think he likes to tease me about it.
But I think he's
comfortable with how I handle, aren't you?
Husband:
I haven't said anything.
Wife:
No.
So you must be.
That's something you get in
time.
That's comfortable with another person.
Or if I
buy something I know whether he's going too like it or
not. And I know if he isn't going to like something.
One
time we went to Sioux City and got something we had talked
about.
So I said to the kids now I never talked to Dad
about this, and I'm sure how he's going to feel about
this.
So don't say anything.
So the minute we got home
one of the kids said, "Dad, guess what Mom did today." You
know when's the right time to talk about something.
finally got smarter.
bring the kids.
And I
I do something like that I don't
I wait for the comfortable moment to say,
"honey guess what I did today?"
wreck or something.
Or even being in a car
You're comfortable.
The kids say, if
they wreck the car, they'll say my dad's going to kill me.
Well really their dad isn't going to kill them.
He's
going to give them hell because maybe they weren't
66
correct, but he's mighty glad they're alive and it's just
the car.
When you marry somebody it's the same thing.
I'd gotten in a wreck I'd never worry.
If
I'm even more
angry that it happened to me than the fact that he'd say
for God's sake.
When I went to school I took accounting.
And accounting was very, very difficult when you just went
to class and then had to do it on your own.
And so I
started talking to some of the kids that were in class,
and there were two guys that were married students that
were having trouble with it too.
accounting.
We'd sit and talk over
And it got so that we went over there and
they came over here, and their wives and he sat and
visited while the three of us did our accounting.
that's comfortable.
Now
He went along because I had to go
sometimes. We'd take homemade ice cream or they'd bring
something over.
important to me.
That's comfortable.
See, he knew it was
But he was comfortable enough to visit
with their wives while I studied with the two husbands.
Maybe it depends on your personality.
Now I'm studying
with these boys and they're twenty years younger.
There
was absolutely nothing to this, and he was comfortable
with that.
I went a lot of nights to their apartments;
their wives were there, and we studied, but it was always
comfortable. 'Cause their trust was there.
I suppose
that's something you build up over time from talking too.
We wanted our marriage to work.
If we didn't like
67
something we did, I guess we did talk about it then.
it never became a big problem.
So
We never had that problem.
Maybe we clipped it before it ever happened and knew where
we stood.
Characteristics of Love (Mutual Respect)
Husband:
But they are very idealistic about marriage and
they think it's going to be a rose garden.
So they have a
very difficult time.
Wife:
It's a rose garden, but there's an awful lot of
thorns.
Ethnographer: Just be ready for the thorns.
Wife:
But I suppose everybody is idealistic when they get
married.
When you're in love, it's something.
There's
nothing like it. My brother-in-law calls it a state of
insanity.
Husband;
Wife:
And it really is.
He said love was a state of insanity.
Love is a state of insanity.
married you're not too sure.
Because after you're
And I think you have to be
committed to it so that commitment makes you work through
it.
Not just accept it but work through it, and you blend
68
it; you make your own life out of that.
See you start out
real idealistic and your kids are going to be perfect and
you aren't going to have any problems, you know, no money
problems, no problems with children, no problems with each
other.
Then all of the sudden you wake up and realize,
hey, this is two individuals that were raised entirely
different and probably feel entirely different about
things.
And you've got to mesh that together.
Ethnographer: So it sounds like you came into marriage
when you first started in a very idealist state of . . . .
Wife:
I did more so than him because I was quite a bit
younger.
Don't you think?
Husband:
I think we were both idealistic.
Everybody is.
I shouldn't say everybody, but I would assume most of them
that thought much about marriage are idealistic, but then
reality sets in, and then you find that both of them being
idealistic have different ideas about things.
It was real
clear in your own mind for just your own self but when
someone else comes along and it's clear in their mind what
they're thinking, both of you are thinking different.
Wife:
A perfect example of that was I guess when we got
married.
I always thought it was wonderful when your
69
birthday came and your anniversary and you get an
anniversary card and a birthday card that says I love you.
He said "why in the hell do I have to give you an
anniversary card or birthday card?"
He said, "I love you
every day of the year, why is a card so special?"
You see
that wasn't important in their family as much as it was in
mine.
I thought why wouldn't you give me a birthday card.
And when you're going together you do those things.
Like
when you went together and there was a special occasion
you might have gotten a flower or something and all of the
sudden you get married.
for me.
That was really very difficult
I just thought that he surely would come with a
card; they only cost a quarter.
Ethnographer: What is real love in your mind?
define it for myself.
Wife:
I can only
I'd like your perspective.
Well, when you think about real love today compared
to when I got married I didn't know what love was.
Ethnographer: When you got married you didn't know what
love was?
Wife:
Not really.
I thought I did, but it's that sharing
through the years, and you just get to care for a person
more.
It was that caring for that person enough that that
70
person really came first.
And they were that important.
You just naturally did it.
Husband; But all those years together and the way they
care for each other I guess that's what I call love.
There's love all this while but it gets down to it.
Wife:
It's like when you're taking care of somebody
that's ill.
It may appear to an outsider to be a
tremendous sacrifice for the one taking care of the person
that's ill, but it isn't for the one doing it.
think it's a sacrifice.
They don't
It's just something you'd want to
do for them.
Husband:
It's giving without receiving.
And yet you are
receiving.
Ethnographer: So your definition has definitely changed
from when you first got married from an idealistic state,
like you mentioned before, to the more realistic,
pragmatic, practical state that it is now.
Wife:
And it's better than what you thought it was when
you got married.
71
Husband:
These are the best years.
After the children
are out there doing pretty good and can take care of
themselves, you just kind of ease back a little bit.
Even
with what I know today I wouldn't want to start over. This
is the good part.
Wife;
These are the good years.
And it's sad, I think,
sometimes when they're in the prime of their life and they
die and they haven't gotten to that stage to really enjoy
it.
You really have to earn love.
It's a lot of sex when
you get married, and that's not bad, but it becomes more
than that.
It becomes deeper and stronger through living
together.
Ethnographer: You mentioned that you love each other. This
is going to sound like a very trite question, but could
you tell me what love is.
Wife:
Love is not passion.
love and lust.
Husband:
There's a difference between
Love is a mutual respect.
I think love is caring for each other.
Concern
for each other.
Wife:
You're concerned about anything that happens to the
other person.
72
Husband:
And conducting yourself in such a manner that
you feel it will be pleasing to the other person.
Wife:
A whole lot depends on how you were raised too.
He
was raised that he has great respect and shows it in the
way he treats me.
He treated his mother the same way. The
common courtesies of life are second nature to him. Those
are things that make up a good relationship.
Ethnographer: What are some of the common courtesies of
life that would help to expand on love?
Wife:
Just being concerned, but also nowadays you see in
some of the younger kids that they really don't know those
courtesies.
That, for instance, he always opens a door
for me, he always opens a car door for me.
I'm perfectly
capable of doing it, but I wait for him to do it.
Husband:
Wife:
See, I'm in violation of women's lib.
He just does those things.
Husband:
And I am to some degree a women's libber.
I
think there are a lot of inequities that need correction.
But some of those little courtesies, to me, women
insisting I can open my own doors, well sure she can.
73
Going that far is, to me, a little ridiculous.
I still
think, after all, she's the mother of our children and she
stands for something special.
Characterisitcs of Crisis
Wife: But our life together and as a family hasn't been
all fun and games either, you know.
Husband:
People, I'm sure, think, why, they've got
everything the way they want it to go—but I think every
family, I'm sure, has their problems.
With our family,
we've had our problems and you look upon another family
and you think, boy, they don't have any problems, it looks
perfect from the outside, but I'm sure every family has
its problems.
I'm sure if you got down and felt sorry for
yourself and let the problems get the best of you, it
would be a problem, but you look at the broader, the
bigger view.
Ethnographer: So you have to work through the problems to
get a good
Wife:
. . . .
Right.
Husband:
Um-hm.
74
Wife: And I think a lot of these things—well, as I said,
I think one of the secrets is to look on problems not as
problems, but as challenges.
Husband: I feel that you go along, and I look at my own
experience this past year, you know, I had a heart attack,
and going through this operation recently, well, it has
put a stress in our life, I'm sure, and then her father
has gone through this and it's very stressful, and yet you
feel like you become more united.
I know that the time
she has devoted to my interests has been remarkable.
You
respect her for it and I feel that it pulls you closer
together.
Ethnographer: So it sounds that in a crisis like a heart
attack you find out what's really important.
Husband: That's right.
I feel after having gone through
this that you look upon life a great deal differently. You
realize that there are more important things in life than
money and things that are material.
Wife: Actually, it was a blessing in disguise and that's
what I feel a lot of these tragedies can be turned around
into—well, turn a scar into a star.
But it actually
75
teaches you a lesson.
Almost every bad thing teaches a
lesson.
Husband: And these problems bring us closer together
because these problems have been quite distressing and
quite stressful.
Wife:
And I do feel that once these problems are worked
through, everybody's better for it.
You're a much
stronger person afterwards than you were before.
Ethnographer: It sounds like you went into these problems
with the attitude that, yes, we're going to work through
it, we're not just going to give up just because of this
problem coming up.
Wife:
Oh, sure.
I believe in sticking to it.
Husband: I think our attitude has always been that we're
willing to fight it out.
We started out on the premise,
that we love each other and that we knew these problems
were going to come up, and that we were going to see them
through.
And I think we have.
As she says, there are
times when I'm sure we've both been pretty perturbed.
76
Wife: We still don't have it quite right, but we're
working on it.
(Laughter.) Maybe that's what really even
makes life better, the problems that you have.
it's that sharing you've gone through.
Because
You know, disaster
or a bad feeling about something.
Husband: I suppose one of the biggest things in my life
was to realize that some of the things that used to bother
you or you thought were aggravating was the time she was
down at the hospital, her heart stopped.
And the doctors
came in and told me they stopped the surgery, her heart
stopped beating, it started again.
I thought it was a
half hour between the time when he said it stopped and
started.
And he said everything would be all right.
He
said she was coming down from the operating room soon and
we'll let you know.
He and the other doctor walked off.
It was not that long but it seemed like a long time before
she came down and they hauled her into the room.
And
after awhile all of the sudden she started to react and it
was far from my thinking of being pretty good.
Then she'd
just sit up in bed and take a deep gasp and they'd have to
hold her down.
like.
It wasn't too many minutes apart it seemed
She'd keep doing this and it got worse and I
thought to me this isn't very good at all.
was concerned and I could see it.
But the doctor
Then you sit there and
you can't talk to her and they're all busy; you can't
77
bother anybody else.
You don't sleep but you think a lot.
The things you thought were kind of a major problem, or a
problem of any kind prior to that, looked pretty minute
after that.
About 2:00, 3:00 or 4:00 a.m. I finally heard
her talk to a nurse and then you thought everything
changed.
One man told me you turn a lot of cobs over on
the fire at a time like that.
You think an awful lot.
I
suppose that was one of the bigger things of my life to
make me realize what was important and what wasn't.
Ethnographer: Almost a turning point?
Wife:
See you were so busy raising the family you never
even thought of the possibility that this marriage was
going to end in death this soon.
You just always assume
well we're going to be married forever.
And that day he
said, "I found out you don't know how long forever is." So
maybe you better get your priorities in order and quit
worrying about some of the things you do and take care of
each other because you don't know how long you do have. So
now we try to take care of each other better.
Ethnographer: It sounds like from what you've been saying
that you don't want to go through those crises, etc. but
it's something that's necessary to get where you're at
now.
78
Wife:
I think so.
Ethnographer: Would you see any way of bypassing that?
Wife:
It's like sadness and happiness.
happiness if you have no sadness.
You can't know
You really can't
because what do you have to compare to it if it just runs
smooth?
Husband:
You don't wish for these crises.
It makes you
a stronger person or a more understanding person.
grow from it.
Wife;
You
Just like you do anything in life.
And isn't it surprising sometimes when you will sit
down and you think this horrible thing happened, my gosh
you didn't wish that happened, but there something good
came out of it.
It's the balance to the other side of
having gone through that.
without that.
I don't think you can get by
No matter what.
it's something else.
If it's not children then
If you don't raise a family it would
have to be something else.
It's got to be part of what
builds that life together.
You have to have something
that meshes you two.
79
Characteristics of Children
Ethnographer: You've mentioned children several times
today.
Did children have an effect on your marriage?
Wife: Kids are good for a marriage, but they're also hard
on a marriage.
Because you are giving all this time to
the children.
Husband:
There's a time in there when you don't have time
for each other that you'd like to have if you have a lot
of children around.
Wife:
And supporting them.
When you have a big family or
any family you have to raise them.
You put in a lot of
time in just working to support them.
Husband:
And you always worry that you'd better not get
too extravagant here because you have all of these kids
around here that you want to try to help as much as you
can.
You're always concerned that you should be able to
give them something that makes their life better.
Our
concern was that we wanted to get them all through
college.
We felt that would be a big help for them.
It
was something we felt would be necessary for them in their
life probably.
We had a lot of chores to do.
We milked a
lot of cows so we had to get up and get the chores done
80
before you went to the field.
But we always quit early at
night, because I didn't want to be late at night.
Ethnographer: Were there some things going on at night?
Husband:
Not really.
We'd probably play a little kitten
ball with the kids at home after supper.
Ethnographer: So it was important to play with the
children as well?
Wife:
I think it's important to be with your children as
much as you can.
It's harder now; I know that.
Ethnographer: It seems like children were an important
part of your marriage.
Wife:
Yes, they were an important part.
To this day we
are close to the three children.
Ethnographer: And it's important to be close to them.
Wife:
I think it is for the family.
As I say it's harder
now I know that because mothers do have to work.
time most of your mothers were home.
In our
81
Ethnographer: It sounds like, from what you said before,
spending time together with the kids playing kitten ball
at night
....
Wife: Like on Sunday afternoons, there's always be kids
over there.
Just stay home more instead around like a lot
of them do now.
The neighbor kids would be over there on
Sundays and the kids would play ball or this or that.
I
don't think there was hardly a Sunday that would go by
that we didn't have some neighbor kid.
car.
They didn't go.
They didn't have a
It's different now.
When they're
sixteen years old they have to have a car.
Husband:
But we knew where our kids were and we knew
where the neighbor's kids were.
and that's fine.
They were at our place
I think God has certainly blessed us and
I think lady luck smiles a little too.
Characteristics of Faith
Ethnographer: Is faith an important part of a marriage?
Wife: Well, I'm sure his perception is probably somewhat
different from mine.
He had a very strong religious
background and I came from a home where my father and
mother weren't too gung-ho about organized religion.
But
I would say that my faith goes way beyond the standard
82
framework.
I have a lot of respect for all religion
because I think there's a little truth in all.
Husband: Especially, you know, living in a community where
it's predominantly Catholic.
We admire how faithful they
are.
Ethnographer: So at least faith in some form, then, is at
leasu. a . . . «
Husband: That's why I think a lot of these young couples
have problems.
They just have never had any religious
background or religious training.
They don't even think
of the Lord and bringing up their children in a religious
manner or teaching morals or these things to these kids,
and how do they expect them to bring this into a marriage?
Wife: I think you're talking about Biblical principles. If
you applied the Biblical principles, they really do work.
Ethnographer: Can you give me an example of something
you're talking about?
Wife: Well, I think, honesty, responsibility, and
certainly no adultery.
That was just never a
problem—something you never even thought about.
83
Husband: And I think the primary thing is your faith. Your
faith in God.
Everything stems from God.
Your success or
failure many times is due to your lack of faith in God.
And I think that is the starting point for a successful
life, whether it be single or married.
Always remember
that there's a reason that they're getting married today.
It's because they care for each other.
by love.
And nurture that
Don't think that it's always going to look that
easy or you're going to have these feelings all during
your marriage, but there's always a reason that you want
to get married now.
You have to keep that love. Bring God
into the marriage.
Wife:
Yes, it takes three to get married.
Husband:
Don't think you're going to do it without Him.
Characteristics of Small Community
Ethnographer: Earlier, you mentioned that a small
community helps to keep the marriage together.
Are there
ways that the small community has helped your marriage?
Husband:
I think people get to know each other a little
closer probably.
Actually, in a small community, you get
to know more people than you do in a big city.
everybody, if they understand that there is some
I think
84
difficulty, will do whatever they can to try to see to it,
that they try to help in some way because they, on the
outside, probably see a lot of good in that couple being
together yet.
Wife:
A good example of that is our neighbors living
across the road from us when we lived fourteen miles south
of town.
They were the first couple that came to visit us
after we moved on the place.
adopted us.
It was almost like they
She helped me out, and if I had an afternoon
where things were bad when kids came home from school, I
could say I'm going over to Aunt Mary's. And I'd go over
there and have a cup of coffee with her and say that son
of a bitch, I'm mad at him or whatever the kids are doing,
I'd like to chuck it all and sit there and talk to
somebody, and I didn't worry that this was ever going to
go to another person.
I guess we were really lucky.
was just like a second mother.
She
You talked to her, well,
you'd go home and you'd feel better.
I had a counselor in
a neighbor lady without even realizing it for years. She
said it's going to get better tomorrow.
going to grow up.
take the kids.
Those kids are
Some days she'd say, "I'll come over to
He's going to Sioux City with a load of
cattle, ride along with him." She did that.
that in a city.
You don't get
This extended family that people don't
have makes a difference in making a marriage work.
If the
85
wife or husband gets sick and the neighbor comes in and
watches the kids and makes a meal, that's all a part of
what helps hold that family together.
extended network.
Because every family has problems. That
puts stress on a marriage.
tremendous.
You have to have an
Money, kids and stuff are
You have lifetime friends that help you. And
I'm sure even when the time of death comes in the family,
they're going to be the biggest help because you've had
them all their life.
And they've helped you with kid's
problems and all of this.
I think that all through
marriage it has helped, not just in the marriage itself,
all aspects of married life.
Husband:
You'll get more encouragement from the people in
your small communities to try to make things work.
Where
if you're in a larger city, you'll have a few friends, but
probably the people with whom you work find out some of
this.
Instead of giving you encouragement, they're apt to
more likely say, we'll just go out there and forget about
it or something.
Wife: I think people really do care about people.
You
don't get that in the big cities.
Husband:
There's more gossip too in a small community,
but some of that is not probably all bad either.
It's
86
just passing on something they hear.
or anything like that.
the small community.
It's not malicious
That's part of that intimacy of
And they also turn around and pitch
in to help or try to.
Wife:
Yes, if you have someone die or something, think of
the support that that community is to you at a time like
that.
Not only as a spouse, but as if you lose a child or
anything like that.
I think our small communities do
reach out to people.
Wife: Yeah.
Separation and divorce would practically make
you a social outcast.
I came from an ethnic community,
very conservative, and anybody divorced was almost an
outcast when I was a kid.
Husband: I think it was and I think that people who were
divorced were looked down upon.
Certainly failures. There
was something physically or mentally wrong with people
that would even consider this, I'm sure it was frowned
upon.
You just didn't do it.
Wife:
Marriage was a very serious thing.
Ethnographer: Well, we've been talking for a long time and
the information that you have given me is fantastic, but I
87
know you have other plans for the evening, so I'd better
go.
I'd like to thank you for taking the time to talk
with me.
I'm sure that the information that you've given
me will be of immeasurable use.
CHAPTER V
DISCUSSION
In general, this study supports the majority of the
literature in the area of marital quality.
The results
section summarized domains of meaning which emerged from
interviews conducted with couples sampled in this study.
Some of these domains supported earlier research findings
and theoretical literature.
the couples interviewed.
Other domains seem unique to
This chapter will discuss
findings similar to literature cited in the introduction
and will highlight findings which contribute new
information about marriage described by these couples.
The couples interviewed for this study supported the
general ideas put forth by Fried and Stern (1948), Bossard
and Boll (1955), Lipman (1961), Rollins and Cannon (1974),
Rollins and Feldman (1970), Spanier, Lewis and Cole (1975)
and Stinnett et al.
(1970, 1972).
Research to date has
typically stated that, as the marriage lengthens, marital
quality decreases.
Marriage typically begins with a great
deal of satisfaction, but soon begins a steady decline,
especially when the first child is born.
Marital quality
does not begin to increase again until the last child has
left home.
Marital quality then begins a slow, but
88
89
steady, increase.
However, the level of marital quality
never equals that of when the couple was first married.
The couples interviewed were never specific as to why
their marriage is better now than it has ever been,
although it was discussed at different times.
The couples
generally felt that their marriage was at a significantly
higher level now than it had ever been previously.
They
felt that the present is the best time for the two of them
because the children have left the house and things are
going a bit easier.
In general the couples' viewpoint
could be summarized as ". . . you work hard all of your
life and at the end you should get your reward."
The couples did, however, disagree with the idea
proposed by previous research that their marital quality
did not reach its former level in later years.
Each of
the couples expressed that their marriage was better now
than it had ever been, including when they were first
married.
Huan and Stinnett (1982) found that as a couple live
longer together, they develop a sense of "comfortableness"
with each other.
They found six major factors that relate
to this comfortableness: empathy, spontaneity, trust,
interest-care, respect, criticalness-hostility.
Each of
the couples brought forth this idea of comfortableness,
and almost without exception, they mentioned the same
90
characteristics that Huan and Stinnett (1982) used to
operationalize comfortableness.
The couples' did express their feelings in a unique
way, however.
each other.
They said that they "really got to know"
They learned what was important to one
another and did things for each other just to make them
happy.
They described this "comfortableness" as becoming
more one person than two separate individuals.
The couples all stated that they went into their
marriage with a very idealistic outlook of what their
marriage would be like.
They felt that they would have no
problems and everything would work out for the best no
matter what happened.
They felt that love would carry
them through any of their difficulties but soon found that
this was not the case.
They learned that it took hard
work and dedication to their marriage to make it a
success.
Over the course of time, they developed a "true
definition of love."
Much of the material that makesup
this true definition of love are the qualities that have
made them comfortable with each other.
When asked for information on the topic of love, their
ideas and opinions changed over the course of the
interviews.
At first they said that they felt that love
was not enough to make the marriage work.
However, when
they saw love as caring, giving, doing things to please
their spouse, they did feel that love was enough to make
91
their marriage a success, but this is also what they felt
were the qualities that comprise the hard work that it
takes for a marriage to be successful.
They felt that
most married couples, and especially the newly married, do
not have this "higher" definition of love. These couples
were still on a "lower" level of love, a level at which
words are spoken rather than action taken.
When a couple
moves to this higher level of love, their marriage and
their entire lives will become more meaningful and
pleasing for themselves and for each other.
It is
interesting to note that all of the couples could state
how they did this move themselves, but they did not know
how anyone else could do it.
One way that many of the couples explained how they
moved to a higher level of love was through a crisis. Each
couple stated that they had some trying time in their
marriage.
This trying time was seen as a turning point in
their marriage, a time when they found out what is truly
important in life.
Each of these crises was life
threatening to one or both of the spouses or the family.
For example, one spouse may have fallen ill, or both may
have experienced financial difficulties.
This idea
corresponds with research done by Scanzoni (1975) where it
was found that marital satisfaction is determined by the
family's economic situation.
Here, when the couple had to
deal with financial difficulties, the couple worked
92
together to make it through, and when the crisis was over,
they found that it had brought them closer together.
Each of the couples also looked on these crises in a
positive way.
They tried to find the good in the bad.
They had the attitude that "it could have been worse," and
"it has brought us closer together."
In summary, the experience of a crisis was seen as a
catalyst which helped the couple's marriage move to the
high quality state the couples are now experiencing.
Without it, they felt that they never would have obtained
their "good" marriage.
They did not wish that any couple
would have to go through a crisis, but they thought that
it might be one of the ways that a couple could come to
have a marriage that is high in quality.
The couples did agree with Swensen et al.
(1981) and
their proposed reasons for this curvilinear pattern.
Trying to make a living to support the family and the time
needed to raise children were seen as detrimental to the
marriage by the couples.
It was not seen as detrimental
to the marriage in the same manner as Swensen et al.
(1981) described.
The couples felt their marital quality
did decline after the birth of children, but the decline
was not as steep, or as severe as Swensen et al. (1981)
describe.
The reason for this difference was that
children were seen as an asset rather than a liability,
thus mediating the decrease in marital quality.
The
93
couples saw this as an opportunity to grow and develop as
well as receive pleasure from their children.
The issue of children produced other unexpected
results in this study.
Past research has stated that the
birth of children is detrimental to the marriage. Anderson
et al. (1983) stated that "children compete for the amount
of time spouses are able to share with each other in
communication, that the presence of children played a
strong role in determining the amount of discussion shared
between the spouses, as well as determining the level of
marital satisfaction perceived by wives."
Hicks and Piatt
(1970) also found that children detract from the overall
marital quality of the couple. Feldman (1971), and Rollins
and Galligan (1978) found that children were detrimental
to the couple's satisfaction.
Ryder (1973), and Waldron
and Routh (1981) found that marital satisfaction went down
for couples after the birth of their first child.
This was not seen as the norm for the couples in this
study.
Although they stated that children are "hard on a
marriage" for many of the same reasons that previous
research has mentioned such as that the children take time
away from the couple spending time together, the couples
felt that they were more of an asset than a liability.
Many felt that it strengthened their marriage because the
couple spent time together when they were with the
children. These ideas support the work by Wallerstein and
94
Kelly (1980) which found that the reason the couples in
their study had longer marriages was the presence of
children. Furthermore, they felt content and satisfied to
spend their free time with their children.
Finally, the
couples looked upon raising their children as a challenge
and as a way that they grew together as a team.
Religious faith does not seem to be a prominent
variable in most of the empirical research reviewed
earlier.
However, Newfield (1985), Thornton (1978),
Bumpass and Sweet (1972) , and Coombs and Zumeta (1970)
found that religious homogamy is a predictor of marital
stability.
Newfield (1985) found this to be the single
greatest predictor of marital stability.
this study supported this.
The couples in
The couples in this study
stated that true faith in God is needed for the marriage
to develop. Faith does not necessarily have to be
organized as a particular religion, but it should be the
same for both partners and for the family.
This notion
was seen as particularly important because the couples
thought that experiences as intimate as marriage and faith
should be shared.
They also saw it as providing an
opportunity for the couple to grow closer to each other
and to their children.
The effect that living in a small community has on a
marriage is not addressed in the literature reviewed for
this study.
This appears to be a unique variable that is
95
largely unexplored.
A small community can be of great
advantage, according to these couples, because they feel
that a small community is more likely to support a
marriage during trouble than a large city.
Divorce is
seen as a social stigma to be avoided at all costs. They
felt that society as a whole has made it too easy for
people to obtain a divorce, "We have become a people of
convenience and disposability.
If something is broken,
don't bother to fix it, we replace it."
Small communities
do not tolerate this "liberal" attitude toward divorce but
rather provide a context supportive of staying in a
marriage.
Last, and most important, is the domain of commitment.
These couples felt that they went into their marriage with
an unshakeable belief that their marriage would last
forever.
This attitude does not seem to be dominant in
the previous research literature.
This is another area
where changes in society have affected the number of
divorces in our country.
According to the couples, ". .
. we no longer instill in our children the idea that when
a couple is married, it's for life."
A general point of view readily emerges among all of
the couples inteirviewed which can be summarized as
follows:
Take any negative situation and turn it to your
advantage in some way or another.
The key to success is
having the desire to make the best of life's hard times.
96
The trend of our society is exactly the opposite.
We have
become a society of convenience and disposability.
We can
see it in every aspect of life.
For example, if a child's
toy breaks, we buy them a new one.
Furthermore, sticking
to something is considered old-fashioned and out-of-date.
This can easily be seen in marriages.
If the marriage is
not going well, society has made it easy for anyone to
obtain a divorce.
Divorce has also become socially
acceptable. This attitude shift has had a detrimental
effect on our society at large.
The trend toward easy
divorce and remarriage has left us with a society that has
no roots, people no longer have a stable background.
A
person only has to look at the trouble that we are having
with drug abuse and addiction among our youth to see the
change that having no stable and high quality family life
has done.
Although the comments expressed by these couples are
certainly not shared by everyone, they do express an
interesting insight into how a small group of small town
American couples construct their view of contemporary
marital and family life.
The purpose of this study was not to find fault with
the research done in the past.
been gained from their efforts.
Valuable information has
The purpose of the study
was to seek a new way of looking at an old topic.
By
doing these ethnographic interviews, a person can gain a
97
significant amount of information relatively quickly that
would normally be missed with the standard measurements.
Traditional research focuses on generalizing to the
population at large and can fail to see that each couple
is unique and has unique problems.
Many people will look at this study and state that the
sample for this study is biased because it is drawn from a
highly specialized population—a small rural farming
community with a highly religious background.
was drawn from this population for one reason.
The sample
The target
group for this study, happily married couples, are
prevalent in the geographical areas studied.
It is the
author's hope that by deliberately focusing on this sample
of happily married couples, some of the ingredients that
are necessary for a marriage to be successful will be
clarified.
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