Arranged Marriage – Is It Forced Marriage?
Dr Manjula O’Connor . Vice President Australia India Society of Victoria inc
No, you will hear a resounding no from the Indian subcontinent. Here is a story for your
consideration.
He was a young International Student from India, studied in Melbourne for 3 years, got a
job, worked for 2 years and he was now at a marriageable age. He found himself a girlfriend
another Indian student, fell deeply in love. He was unable to tell his parents. His mother back
in India said to him, we have found a very homley, smart , educated girl , great family , well
off ( code for good dowry) . We want the marriage to take place soon. His family had spent a
very large sum on his college fees, he was a pampered son and mother’s favourite. He tried
to give a hint that he was not ready to get married, and that he was very happy here in
Melbourne but he did not have the courage to say that he was actually in love with
someone. Why - because he did not wish to disappoint, and hurt his mother’s feelings. When
they were insistent he said he had a particular person in mind here, his mother said ‘I will
kill myself if you marry her ‘ .
Emotional blackmail worked and thousands of years of tradition of arranged marriage
beckoned . The lure of dowry including gold, gifts, cash, future material support from the
bride’s family was too strong to resist. He gave into the ARRANGED marriage much
against his hearts desire . Within the first 24 hours of his marriage , he became depressed
and told the new bride he was very unhappy with his parents choice, he did not like her looks,
her dress sense, her social behaviour etc etc. From then on he completely ignored her, made
her feel worthless, inferior, and started hitting her when she questioned his behaviour.
Arranged marriage is an ancient Indian tradition , its origin dates back to Vedic times. In
Hindu Sanskrit scriptures , Vedas written 3000 years ago “Vivaha (marriage) is
mentioned as a Sarira Samskara , literally sacraments sanctifying the body. It is
described as an act through which every man and women must go through at the
appropriate age . It is a described as a union of both body and soul.
In India, the word marriage usually refers to the concept of arranged marriage.
Falling in love with the spouse before marriage is not common even in modern times and is
titled Love Marriage in India . Love Marriage in the mode of Western marriage is freedom of
choice to marry the person of one’s choice . Arranged Marriage on the other hand is an act
of union and a long lasting relationship between two families . Great care is taken by the
families of the prospective groom and the bride that the marriage takes place between the
right family, with right level of education and prosperity- usually matching their own status
and preferably higher than their own family status.
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In the modern world, it is believed the arranged marriage is one where the young
people’s opinion will be heard and they will have a say in the final analysis.
But as the story above points out the young man was under immense emotional pressure,
it was NOT PHYSICAL force but tacit , hidden, subconscious , emotional pressure ,
blackmail and manipulation. Manipulation by definition means making another person
commit to an act without their complete consent and without them being fully conscious of
what is being done to them .
Does that classify as Forced Marriage. Some may say ‘NO’, those who do not understand the
power of manipulation of sub-conscious mind . It has the hallmark of a marriage without
free will and can be called forced or by coercion.Perhaps, not as extreme as an underage
girl marrying an older man but it is on that continuum . The consequences for the young
woman in the abovementioned story were dire. Physical abuse, emotional abuse, loss of self
confidence and anxiety , bleak future as a divorced Indian woman .
Vedic or Ancient Indian view of marriage
Vedas ancient Indian scriptures written in Sanskrit some 3000 years ago describe Vivaha
(marriage) is one of the Sarira Samskara , literally meaning sacraments sanctifying the
body , a process through which every man and women must pass at the proper age and
correct time. It is a union of both body and soul”.
The girl is a divine gift that is handed in a pure ceremony to the groom and his family . She
now belongs to them and it is for them to love and take care of her for the rest of her life.
She is called Pariyi ( belongs to the other ). This underlying assumption that every Indian
marriage is made in heaven and will last for ever is a part of consciousness of young girls .
One day she will leave her parents and go to another’s home where she will belong to the
husband and his family. That is when she will be allowed sexual maturity and given status in
the society .
On the surface the Indian marriage which is usually arranged looks highly romantic,
colorful with heavy cultural inheritance , where generous gifts for guests of the groom
and his family are the norm . Amazing varieties of glorious food for days over multiple
ceremonies pleases and impresses all. Every one appears happy .
It appears so loaded with tradition and history that it is important to understand its history .
Marriage Definiton In Vedas
The Vedas describes about eight forms of marriages in Hinduism -The Brahma, Prajapatya,
Arsa, Daiva. The Asuras, Gandharva, Rakshasas and Pisaka marriages.
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The first four forms of marriages The Brahma, Prajapatya, Arsa, Daiva. can be classified as
arranged marriages, because these forms actively involve the parents.
The next two The Asuras, Gandharva can be called love marriage
Whereas the last two Rakshasas and Pisaka marriages describe the burden of the family
honour placed by Indian society on the sexual behaviour of the Indian woman , not that of
the man .
Types of arranged marriage according to Vedas
· Daiva marriage (Rite of the Gods) - where the daughter is groomed with ornaments and
given to a priest who duly officiates at a sacrifice during the course of its performance of
this rite.
· Arsha marriage (Rite of the Rishis) - when the father gives away his daughter after
receiving a cow and a bull from the brightgroom.
· Prajapatya marriage (Rite of the Prajapati) - where the father gives away his daugher after
blessing the couple with the text “May both of you perform together your duties”.
· Brahma Marriage (Rite of Brahmana) - where the father of the bride invites a man learned
in the Vedas and a good conduct, and gives his daughter in marriage to him after decking
her with jewels and costly garments.
Marriage by free will according to Vedas
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Asura marriage (Rite of the Demons) - when the bridegroom receives a maiden of his
choice after bestowing wealth to the kinsmen and to the bride
Gandharva marriage (Rite of the Gandharva) - the voluntary union of a maiden and her
lover, which arises from desire and sexual intercourse
Marriage where one partner( the male) has free will according to Vedas
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Rakshasa marriage (Rite of the rakshasa) - forcible abduction of a maiden from her
home after her kinsmen have been slain or wounded and their houses broken open.
Pisaka marriage (Rite of the Pisaka) - when a man by stealth seduces a girl who is
sleeping or intoxicated or is mentally unbalanced or handicapped.
In this category the ancient idea was that once a sexual intercourse occurred the woman
belonged to the man whether or not she wanted it and had to be called his wife .
Non Resident Indians (NRI s) and arranged marriages
In modern times quick marriages , where the prospective families meet each other through an
advertisement in the news paper and marry within weeks is a source of concern.
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Marriage to a woman has come to resemble purchase of a piece of furniture . It is a life
mate one is seeking and personalities need to match. In one or two meetings or a few weeks
how can one find out how suited they are to the other .
Often times in NRI( non resident Indian ) arranged marriages lies are told about the level of
education, employment, finances. When the truth is discovered there is huge pain for all
concerned. The lying party (usually the groom or his family )can resort to violence to hide
the truth.
The art of living together requires a lot of adjustment- a favourite saying in India. When
adjustment is examined in the Indian culture , it is the woman who is expected to make all
the adjustments.
She is required to stay silent and bear the pain , as one woman said ‘ I am listening to three
generations- first my father, then my husband and now my son, always the woman who must
speak quietly, softly or not at all.’ ‘Silence Kills ‘another wrote. The low divorce rate in the
Indian arranged marriage rests on the foundation of the woman’s silence
Leaving the new bride back in India immediately after marriage and going back to pick her
up a few months later is all too common a story. She or he arrives on spousal visa and if
things do not work out it is all too late. She wants freedom, he is possessive; she wants his
love , he is preoccupied with someone else’s love ; he wants her to earn money , to work, she
needs his help but he does not help her ; he is critical of her personal habits; she wants friends
, he wants social isolation ; she wants frequent parents contact he wants her to be isolated
from her family; she expects him to respect her family of origin he is derisive of them.
Can the arranged marriage like the forced marriage cause a lot of misery ?
Domestic Violence can occur in such situations. Domestic Violence can occur if one partner
always wants to be in control and always have the upper hand and suppress the other person .
In 76% of the cases , it is the women who is victimised, controlled, humiliated, physically or
sexually assaulted by her own husband.
Modern times needs modern answers
The modern times require a renewed interpretation of the Arranged marriage,
The joint family system in which the father and/or the mother of the family has the supreme
power of choosing the bride for their son, the house, the food portions, the level of education
for girls is under threat by greater degree of financial freedom of children, education of girls
and generally the introduction of capitalistic economy and more money .
Too much money is undermining the authority of the parents and the joint family system
which is the prime mover behind arranged marriages . The joint family is under threat and
must re-invent itself for the health of Indian society.
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Marriage can no longer be a contract between two families. That is to say young men and
women should state honestly to their parents and become strong enough to say NO to an
arranged marriage if they really , in their heart do NOT want to marry that person.
Even the Vedas give permission to marry according to ones will.
The young Indian people have to develop courage of their convictions.
Just in order to please their parents, and not being able to resist emotional blackmail they
take a weaker path in life and say yes when they mean to say NO . They really wish to
marry someone else , so that is dishonesty and dishonesty always will end up in trouble.
Dowry is an essential part of arranged marriage ( not commonly seen in love marriage) . It
is forced upon the bride’s parents in majority of arranged marriages. It is forced passage of
wealth from one family (the brides) to the other (groom’s) family. The amount given in
dowry is varied by the level of education and income of the young man, or whether he is an
NRI!. There are indeed websites that display the price of dowry for grooms according to the
above criteria .
Dowry was in ancient times designed as Stree Dhan , meaning wealth for the woman , in
modern times it has transformed itself into auction of the young man , where the highest
bidder buys the groom for his daughter. Materialism in its meanest form.
The activists in India and the Indian government have successfully brought in a law banning
dowry but all the laws in the world will not change custom if the society and its decent
people do not stand up and set an example by refusing to take dowry and refusing to give
dowry , and also vocalising the decent pathways.
In the West, relationship research shows that the way two people communicate, handle
conflict and manage stress are of great significance to a couple's longevity. But these things
are very hard to assess before two people get married in an arranged marriage . What ever
their personalities , they are thrown in it together and most Indian couples make a go of it
and often successfully . But there are a lot of unhappy marriages as well but the level of
divorce is very low about 1-2%, mainly because the woman and the man are conditioned
to believe their marriage is made in heaven and is not to be broken . But it is the woman
who keeps the family together. For example , in the west female emancipation has meant she
can leave the tortured marriage freely but in the Indian context she stays and bears the
brunt of a poor marriage by silent suffering . And she is usually confined to a state of
powerlessness and helplessness. The man also suffer in such marriages but men have outlets
and avenues outside the home and consequently suffer lesser impact of powerlessness.
High suicide rates in Indian women in the southern part of the country and high rates of
missing ( murdered) females in the northern India are some reasons why we need to
change the nature of arranged marriage and dowry system in the Indian society .
An equal say in choice of marital partner , equal share in marital property and equal
inheritance from parents but no dowry will go a long way towards modernizing the
arranged marriage system so that it does not resemble forced marriage.
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Refrences
-Manjula.O’Connor 2012. www.aisv.org.au . . Arranged NRI Marriage can be a trap for unhappiness.
-Manjula O’Connor, E Colucci et al- 2012 . Art in Service of Medicine. Modified Forum Theatre as means of early treatment and
prevention of domestic violence in Australian Indian Community. In press.
-George Feuerstein, Subash Kak, and David Frawley – “In Search of the Cradle of Civilization” Quest Books, Wheatton IL 1995.
-Shardha Chettri. 2012 . Arranged Marriage , its point of origin. Phd Thesis. Amity University
-Amartya Sen and Jean Drez. 1999. The Omnibus. Publishers Oxford.
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