Harry Prodder and the Chancre of Secrets
2006 Scope and Scalpel
HARRY PRODDER AND THE CHANCRE OF SECRETS
2006 SCOPE AND SCALPEL
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CHARACTERS
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ACT 1
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SKIT: HARRY’S PRE-MED LIFE
VIDEO: HARRY’S ORIGINS
SKIT: ACCEPTANCE TO MEDICAL SCHOOL
SKIT: WHITE COAT CEREMONY
SONG: PITTSBURGH MEDSCHOOL
SKIT: ORIENTATION [
SONG: JUDY SCHANTZ
VIDEO: PROBLEM-BASED LEARNING
SONG: PBL
SKIT: PATIENT INTERVIEWING
SONG: HEY, HEY, WE’RE FAKE PATIENTS
SKIT: PITTSBURGH IS OUR NEW HOME
SONG: MULLETS IN THE STREET
SKIT: 1ST/2ND YEAR CLASSES
SONG: THESE SYLLABI
SKIT: CONDITION G, 4TH FLOOR SCAIFE HALL
SONG: BURDENED WITH DEBT
SKIT: LEVINE CONTINUES
SKIT: MARLEY AND TRIPPIN’
SKIT: STEP ONE PREPARATION
SONG: IF YOU WANNA BE A DOCTOR
SKIT: MORE EXPOSITION IN FRONT OF CURTAIN
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ACT 2
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SKIT: JOKES WE WILL NOT BE MAKING THIS EVENING
VIDEO: HAIR OF PITT MED
SKIT: MEDICINE CLERKSHIP
SONG: PAIN
VIDEO ?
SONG: ICU STOMP
SKIT: OB RESIDENTS ARE WEIRD
SONG: OB RESIDENTS’ CHEER
SKIT: MAGEE IS NOT A GOOD PLACE FOR MALE STUDENTS
SONG: MEN’S ROOM
VIDEO: ?
SKIT: MEDSTUDENTS: YOU CAN DRESS THEM UP, BUT YOU CAN’T TAKE THEM OUT
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SKIT: PEDIATRICS
SKIT: 7-LETTER WORD FOR SURGEON? A-----E
SONG: PIMP ME BABY
SONG: STAND
SKIT: FAMILY MEDICINE
SKIT: THE VA
SONG: AT THE VA
SKIT: PSYCH CASE PRESENTATION OF MR. C.
SONG: WPIC
SKIT: RAIDERS OF STUDENT AFFAIRS
SONG: Y-VONNE HARLOW
VIDEO: LET’S MAKE A STEP2 CS DEAL.
SKIT: ANUS EQUINUS SOCIETY REVEALED
SONG: JUDY SCHANTZ REPRISE
SKIT: RESOLUTION
SONG: PITT MED, PITT MED
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Characters
Narrator: Voice of the production.
Harry Prodder: Our hero, a med student of medical parents who was raised in a nonmedical world. Watch through his eyes as he adjusts to med school life.
Germione Gunner: A very bright girl of non-medical parents, she is one hard core
medical student.
Ron Wheezey: A nice young man raised by yinzers in a family of yinzers, Ron is a nice
companion and tour guide for Harry in his medical school journey. Ron is the
goofy bumbler and also has a bit of an asthma problem.
Dean Kantgrid: The person who keeps the whole thing from coming off its axles.
Introduces Harry to the medical school.
Rich Prepitt – Academic advisor. A bit disorganized. Hilarity ensues.
Dr. Holzingdore
Professor McNeilagall
Mad Eye Mahooney
Dean Levine (fudge?)
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Act 1
SKIT: Harry’s pre-med life
Narrator: Four years ago in a cubicle not so far away, our hero was sitting quietly at her
desk, diligently doing her work when she was approached by a stranger. The
message this stranger brought would change this young woman’s life forever. We
open this story not so long ago in an office building not so far away.
Harry is sitting at a desk in a cubicle in front of curtain, falling asleep
Dean Kantgrid (DK): Hello, I’m Dr. Steven Kantgrid, Vice Dean of the University of
Pittsburgh School of Medicine. Do you have time for a quick story?
Harry: Uh, sure.
DK: What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
Harry: I don’t know.
DK: A good start. Anyway, Harriette, I knew it was you the minute I saw the mark on
your forehead.
Harry: [Perplexed] Hariette? No one’s called me that since the third grade. I go by
Harry. And what do you mean by a mark on my forehead? Do I know you from
somewhere?
DK: We met a long, long time ago. Let me explain. Actually, let me show you. We’ll
need that computer. Could you type in zone.medschool.pitt.edu Now we have to
log in. I’ll do that part. Ok, now click on student groups, then click on student
affairs. All right, now click on the invisible icon down in the lower right corner
that leads to the student affairs directory. Now we have to re-log in. [Pause] Oh,
just let me do it or else this will take too long. Ok, here’s our video…
VIDEO: Harry’s origins
70s home video-like
Kantgrid voice-over:
Your birth parents both went to Pitt Med. They were excellent students, considered
rising stars of their class. Another student in their class was also very talented,
but not so (ahem) humanitarian and got a position at UPMC. As he rose through
the ranks and gained more power, the gloomier UPMC became. Ultimately, to
avenge a mysterious grudge against your parents, he found his way into your
delivery room and tried to kill you. Your parents died in the attack. For reasons
we don’t understand, you were spared and saved by an intrepid pediatrician.
Your mother’s sister in Cleveland agreed to raise you. Your parents’ killer
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disappeared after the murders and a noticeable difference occurred in the UPMC
atmosphere. Staff in the hospital became friendlier, medical students were treated
with respect, the Pirates even won the World Series! And in your absence, you
became a hero. (Show people in “I (heart) Prodder” t-shirts). It has been said
that he is attempting to gain influence at UPMC once again by corrupting the
hearts and minds of faculty and administrators. This secret society is called the
Anus Equini. [pause] Here in 2002, weird things are happening: a research
project may be required of future medical school classes, tuition is increasing
steadily, new board licensing steps are in the works, and the Penguins and Pirates
suck. Worst of all, the Steelers haven’t been to the Super Bowl in years. [end
video]
SKIT: Acceptance to medical school
DK: We're not really sure what's going on, but it's clear that this evil doctor is
controlling people...or...worse!
Harry: But Dean Kantgrid, does anyone know who this evil doctor is?
DK: His name is [ominous pause] VULVAWART! [recording of slowed down, superlow Vulvawart]
Harry: [shudders] Wow.
DK: Yes. It’s quite unfortunate. [pause] Anyway, your parents were two of Pitt Med’s
best and brightest students...which leads me to the reason I came here today: to
give you this parchment. Here is a letter of admission to the University of
Pittsburgh School of Medicine. This is being offered to you without MCAT
scores, prerequisite courses, or an essay about cultural diversity. We all know
that anyone can write about that. You can come to the medical school if you can
answer just one question.
Harry: What’s that, sir?
DK: Why do you want to be a doctor?
Harry: Hot male nurses?
DK: Not at UPMC, Harry. Try again.
Harry: I want to help people!?
DK: Right answer, let’s go …
Harry: Wait a second. Why me, Dean Kantgrid? I have no experience in medicine; I
haven’t done any of the prerequisites.
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DK: Here at Pitt Med, we value non-traditional students like you who’ve done things
other than medicine and learned invaluable life lessons.
Harry: That’s strange…there must be more than that.
DK: Well, Harry, [sheepishly] we also feel that you may be destined to restore hope and
happiness to our institution. You did it once before many years ago, and we
believe that you can do it again.
Harry: So, wait. You’re telling me that my parents were killed for some reason by a guy
named, of all things, Vulvawart, [pause…Vulvawart recording plays again, and
Harry and DK look around] and that my being born somehow diminished his
power, but that he’s coming back with these [air quotes] Anus Equinus people,
and that my coming to medical school will help?
DK: Harry, a bunch of drunk fourth year medical students wrote this play. It doesn’t
make much sense to me either, but it’s the best we’ve got. [Enthusiastically]
Come with me; we’re going to Pittsburgh!
SKIT: White Coat Ceremony
Narrator: Harry was taken away to the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine
where he was just in time for the White Cloak Ceremony. [Pause] White cloak?
I mean white coat ceremony. I must have been thinking of something else. It’s
not like these students are wizards.
[Curtain rises. Ron and Germione are talking together at the end of a line of students.]
Germione: I’ve dreamed about becoming a doctor since I was a little girl! I can’t believe
today is finally here and we’re about to start medical school! I’m so excited I
couldn’t even sleep last night: look, my hands are shaking.
Ron: Yeah, me too! I just found out last week that I got off the Wait List: Pitt was my top
choice, and I’m totally psyched to be here.
Germione [Pulls out tape recorder.]: And I’ve got my tape recorder all ready for the first
day of lecture!
Harry enters opposite stage, looking all around in awe. Walks slowly toward Ron and
Germione.
Ron: [Pointing toward Harry] Hey, check it out. I’ll bet you anything she’s another First
Year.
Germione: [To Harry] Hey! I think you’re supposed to be over here.
Harry walks to Ron and Germione.
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Ron: Hi, I’m Ron Wheezey.
Germione: I’m Germione Gunner.
Harry: I’m Harry Prodder.
Germione: THE Harry Prodder?
Ron wheezes, then puffs. Continues to stare, open-mouthed
Germione: [touches birthmark on forehead] Oh my—it really is you!
Harry: Hey! What are you doing? [Harry pulls head back from Germ’s hand.]
Germ: Nothing, sorry.
Harry: Um, are you both first-years?
Ron and Germione Together: Yup.
Harry: Do you know what happens now?
Germione: First, there’s a white coat ceremony. That’s where we get our short white
coats that identify us as med students. Then we get placed into groups by the
Sorting Bouffant Cap.
Harry: The what?
Germione: It’s a Sorting Bouffant Cap that puts you into one of four groups in the
medical school. Scaifindor is the house for People Who Want To Be Doctors;
Locoparentis is the house for People Whose Parents Want Them To be Doctors;
Egomaniaclaw is the house for People Who Think They Already Are Doctors,
and Incisorin is for People Who Should Be in Dental School
Harry: Wow! How does the Sorting Bouffant Cap do that?
Ron: I don’t know. There are some things you just can’t explain, like how Bush got
elected or why you’ve had a birthmark on your forehead all these years and never
noticed. We just accept them as true.
Germione: Shhh…the White Coat Ceremony is starting.
Holzingdore: [Stooped Over] Welcome, everyone. My name is Dr. Elmer Holzingdore.
I graduated from this medical school many years ago. We’re very glad you are all
here today, and I’m excited to get to know each and every one of you. Please
come to me with any questions or problems. And now, I’d like to introduce Dr.
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Missy McNeilagall, one of Pitt Med’s most beloved teachers and winner of
multiple teaching awards.
McNeilagall: Hi, everyone, my name is Missy McNeilagall. I’m so thrilled to meet you
all. To become a doctor is a great honor and privilege. Truly, this is a sacred
profession. At times, you may be confronted with situations in which you may
not know the answer. And during these times, some might go back to the
sandbox and remember the important lessons they learned in kindergarten, but I
find that everything you need to know to be a doctor, you learned in the bedroom.
[Pause] Number one: never stick your finger in someone’s rectum without
asking permission first. Number two: latex is important, but remember to ask
about allergies. Number three: even with improved technology, the laying of
hands remains the most important skill. Ask Dr. Holzingdore- he’s a master.
[Winks at Dr. H] Number four: remember your partner’s safety word. [Pause]
Well, that doesn’t have much to do with medicine, but it is still important.
Holzingdore: Thank you, Dr. McNeilagall. And, hubba hubba. Please come up one by
one to receive your white coats.
[Students go up one by one for white coats, hat put on head. Once white coat placed on
Harry, giant smile lights up her face and she looks thrilled.]
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SONG: Pittsburgh MedSchool
“Buenos Aires” from the musical Evita
What’s new Pittsburgh MedSchool?
I'm new--I want to say I'm not just a pre-med now
I’ll be one of you!
What's new Buenos Aires?
I'm new, I wanna say I'm just a little stuck on you
You'll be on me too
I get out here Pittsburgh MedSchool
Stand back--you ought to know what'cha gonna get in me
Just a little nerd with al-tru-is-m!
I get out here, Buenos Aires
Stand back, you oughta know whatcha gonna get in me
Just a little touch of star quality
Fill me up with your geeks, with your work, with your tests,
overdo me
Let me cut in your lab, make it stink. let it hurt, run it through
me
Don't rescind your offer to admit,
Tell Dean Marley this is where I'm staying
Fill me up with your heat, with your noise
With your dirt, overdo me
Let me dance to your beat, make it loud
Let it hurt, run it through me.
Don't hold back, you are certain to impress
Tell the driver this is where I'm staying
Hello Pittsburgh MedSchool!
Get this--just look at me, here in my new white coat
And a steth-o-scope!
Hello, Buenos Aires
Get this, just look at me dressed up, somewhere to go
We'll put on a show
Take me in at Scaife Hall, give me scopes, give me tools,
give me patients
Shoot me up with IVs, let me cut on your corpse, watch me
learning
All I want is a whole lot of science
Tell Dean Kantgrid this is where I'm paying
Take me in at your flood, give me speed
Give me lights, set me humming
Shoot me up with your blood, wine me up
With your nights, watch me coming
All I want is a whole lot of excess
Tell the singer this is where I'm playing
Stand back Pittsburgh MedSchool!
Because you ought to know what'cha gonna get in me
Just a little nerd with al-tru-is-m!
Stand back, Buenos Aires
Because you oughta know whatcha gonna get in me
Just a little touch of star quality
And if ever I hit the bar
I’ll drink to the things you are
Medical school--I love you
And if I need a posey vest
Give my patient the very best
Haldol IM--and silence
And if ever I go too far
It's because of the things you are
Beautiful town, I love you
And if I need a moment's rest
Give your lover the very best
Real eiderdown and silence.
You're a cost, you're a debt
you will charge me to death, you are pricey
But you're tops, can’t be beat
you shall have every cent in my savings
Put me down for a lifetime of success
Give me credit--I'll find ways of paying
You're a tramp, you're a treat
You will shine to the death, you are shoddy
But you're flesh, you are meat
You shall have every breath in my body
Put me down for a lifetime of success
ive me credit, I'll find ways of paying
Rio Monon-ga-he-la!
Pittsburgh! DeSoto Street! And Fifth av-e-nue!
All I want to know!
Rio de la Plata
Florida, Corrientes, Nueve de Julio
All I want to know
Stand back Pittsburgh MedSchool!
Because you oughta know what'cha gonna get in me
Just a little nerd with
Just a little nerd with
Just a little nerd with al-tru-is-m!
Stand back, Buenos Aires
Because you oughta know whatcha gonna get in me
Just a little touch of
Just a little touch of
Just a little touch of star quality
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SKIT: Orientation [
Takes place on same set as previous scene and song.
Holzingdore: I would like to welcome you all to this morning’s orientation. Let me
introduce you to some of Pitt Med’s most important people, the Dean of Student
Affairs, Dr. Joan Marley, and the Vice Dean of Student Affairs, Dr. Maurice
“Mo’” Trippin. [Cue “stir it up,” smoke on stage.]
Marley: Welcome and congratulations. Vice Dean MoTrippin: Some people call me Maurice. [Cue Steve Miller guitar.]
Marley: [continues] -and I are going to write your Dean’s [pause as Mo flips giant cue
card] letters. We’re both looking forward to getting to know all of you by [pause
as Mo flips giant cue card] name.
Trippin: Righteous. Far out. [Marley nods]
Holzingdore: Next, say hello to Mrs. Yvonne Harlow, Pitt Med’s registrar. You’ll get
to see her a lot over the next 4 years since she runs the Office of Student Affairs.
Yvonne: Hello, class. I’m Mrs. Harlow. I know all of you kids wanted to change my
name for this stupid show of yours. I’ve heard it all before. Let’s review. I’m
not Miss Harlow, I’m not Dr. Harlow. I’m not Yvonne. I’m not even Sergeant or
Major or Ensign Harlow. Everyone repeat after me: Mrs. Harlow.
Class: Mrs. Harlow.
Yvonne: Excellent. Now the orchestra pit.
Orchestra: Mrs. Harlow.
[Harlow gives quick nod of approval, steps aside.]
Holzingdore: Finally, I’d like to introduce you all to Judy Schantz. She will do
everything for you.
Schantz: I want you to be quiet. I’m not happy about those ripped up jeans, and I don’t
like your hair ‘do.
[During scene, Schantz pushes feet off chairs, glares at someone for being late. Song
starts.]
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SONG: Judy Schantz
“Safety Dance,” by Men Without Hats
S-C-H-A-N-T-Z
Judy Schantz, when you see her,
you will turn your head away
Because she frightens you,
and you don’t know what to do
And you see her everyday
We can dance if we want to,
we can leave your friends behind
'Cos your friends don't dance,
and if they don't dance
Well they're no friends of mine
Judy Schantz, she will stand there,
as you come in and pass her by
because you’re late for class
and you probably won’t pass
and she’s giving you the evil eye
Say, we can go wher we want to,
places they can never find
And we can act like we come
from out of this world
Leave the real world far behind
Judy Schantz, she will know you
Even though you don’t know her
Get your feet off the chair
And cut your dreadlocked hair
And she’ll tell you twice just to be sure
We can go if we want to,
night is young and so was I
And we can dress real neat
from our heads to our feet
And surprise them with a victory cry
Judy Schantz, I implore you
Can you please just tell me why
Our test scores take forever
It’s a trivial endeavor
You just blame it on the scan-tron guy
I said, we can act if we want to,
if we don't nobody will
And you can act real rude
and totally removed
I can act like an imbecile
Judy Schantz, Judy Schantz, everything is under control
Judy Schantz, Judy Schantz, you think she lacks a soul
Judy Schantz, Judy Schantz, handing out the syllabi
Judy Schantz, Judy Schantz, without her the school would die
Judy Schantz,
Whoa, Judy Schantz, yeah, Judy Schantz,
We can dance, we can dance, everything is under control
We can dance, we can dance, doing it from pole to pole
We can dance, we can dance, everybody look at your hands
We can dance, we can dance, everybody's taking the chance
The safety dance
Woh, safety dance, yeah, the safety dance
Schantz: Hey! [with hands on hips, pointing at pit orchestra]. Joel Krier, stop playing
that music! And Gordon Sun, put your pants back on!
[curtain down]
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VIDEO: Problem-Based Learning
[R&G walking from stage left, pretending to talk. At same time, Harry enters stage right
with video in hand and all meet in middle.]
Harry: You guys won’t believe this, but someone just left a video in my mailbox.
Ron: A video? Let’s watch it.
Germ: But it says “Property of Curriculum Committee.” I don’t know that that’s such a
good idea. Weren’t you at orientation? That might be an honor code violation.
Ron: There’s an honor code?
Harry: Yeah, Ron, don’t you remember we elected you one of our honor council
representatives?
Ron: Well, then, I decree this [holds tape up, looking at it] PBL instruction video
viewable by us without any honor code violation whatsoever.
Germ: [Begin walking stage left.] Problem based learning? That’s the main reason we
came to Pitt, right guys? [Ron nods in approval. Harry looks toward crowd
uncomfortable, pulls collar.] Being taught by actual physicians in small groups
rather than sitting through boring lectures seems to be an innovative approach to
medical education.
Harry: [Said just before exiting stage left.] Well, it’s great in theory…
Video starts with production screen, Horse’s Ass Productions
Cheesy filmstrip music out.
Curtain draws back to reveal students sitting around table
Student: So do you think that man has outpaced evolution?
Facilitator: [Pause, stares back] That sounds like a good learning objective.
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SONG: PBL
“Billie Jean” by Michael Jackson
On the first day of PBL
Thought it was swell
But now I see it’s a living hell
I am the scribeWho will write on the board in some chalk!
I said, I am the one who will write
So I won’t have to talk
She was more like a beauty queen
From a movie scene
I said, don't mind but what do you mean
I am the one
Who will dance on the floor in the round
She said I am the one who will dance
On the floor in the round
Everyone wore a frowning face
As we got the case
Then eyes looked down and around
No one will be the one
Who will read out a-loud in the room
She told me her name was Billie Jean
As she caused a scene
Then every head turned with eyes that dreamed
of being the one
Who will dance on the floor in the round
Facilitators told us
They wouldn’t interfere
And that we oughta
Look it up ourselves (Hee-eeee!)
A second year told me
It could be a pseudocyst
Of the pan-cre-as
But I think he failed this class-hey, hey hey!
People always told me
Be careful what you do
And don't go around
Breaking young girls' hearts (Hee-eeeee!)
And mother always told me,
Be careful who you love
Be careful what you do
'Cause the lie becomes the truth
PBL is not so useful
We’ve got a guy who prob-ly could teach a lot
But he won’t tell us what he’s got
He could teach us a lot
But he won’t tell us what he’s got
Billie Jean is not my lover
She's just a girl who claims that I am the one
But the kid is not my son
She says I am the one
But the kid is not my son
For forty pages of H and P
They tortured me
But that’s not all, cause we had to meet
For a second turn
Cause we wrote on the board things to learn
So take my strong advice
Just remember, to use Har-ris-on’s
(Har-ris-on’s)
Har-ris-on’s
Hooo!
For forty days and for forty nights
The law was on her side
But who can stand when she's in demand
Her schemes and plans
'Cause we danced on the floor in the round
So take my strong advice
Just remember to always think twice
(Do think twice)
Do think twice
Hooo
We had some bagels
And Krispy Kremes
As we talked of genes
Some Prader-Willi
And some X P
It’s on the test (oh, no!)
Cause we’ll see lots of patients with these, baby
She told my baby
We’d danced ‘til three
Then she looked at me
Then showed a photo
My baby cried
His eyes were like mine (oh, no!)
Coz we dance on the floor, in the round, baby
People always thinkin’
They’d just email all of us
An assignment they did half-assed
(Don din’t show again)
People always told me
Be careful of what you do
And don't go around breaking young girls' hearts
(Don't break no hearts)
They made up all these handouts
But none of them would help
If you think this is pain
Just wait for I C S, hey, hey, hey!
She came and stood right by me
Then the smell of sweet perfume
This happened much too soon
She called me to her room
PBL is not so useful
Who would think we could teach ourselves all this stuff?
But we don’t know a thing
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
Billie Jean is not my lover
She's just a girl who claims that I am the one
But the kid is not my son
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
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SKIT: Patient interviewing
Narrator: In addition to the basic sciences, the students are taught the interpersonal skills
necessary to being a good physician. With their clinical years approaching, they
learn how to interview patients from paid actors.
Scene begins with student hugging patient and crying while other students look on.
Doctor: Time out.
Pit crew runs out to reapply make-up/powder the face of the fake patient.
Doctor [Plays entire scene earnestly: does NOT think this is ridiculous.]: Well, that was
a really...interesting interview you had there...nice reflection, good
echoing…what do you think you did well there?
Student1: Well, ummm...I think there were some deeper issues...with her
papercut...and…uhhh…I think I did a pretty good job...um...exploring the
ummm...family history of...paper cuts...ummm...how this paper cut...um... really
impacts...her...
Doctor: [Interrupting David] Yes, yes, very insightful. [To patient] What do you think
worked well in that interview?
Patient: [Dramatically] I think I had really realistic tears...you know I think this
fluorescent light really makes my features look dramatic.
Doctor: No, no, I mean about the student?
Patient: Oh...I think the student very much appreciated the trueness of my emotion, my
dramatic turn of phrase. I'm probably going to use that for my Young and the
Restless audition.
Doctor [To students]: What do you guys think?
Other student: What the hell was that? Who are these people?
[More fake patients dance in from the sides of the stage to help the fake patient sing the
song.].
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SONG: Hey, Hey, We’re Fake Patients
“Hey, Hey, We’re the Monkees”
Here they come, brand new
First Years!
We’re gonna try to teach them
To try and face their fears.
Hey hey we’re fake patients
People say we’re over the top
We’re too busy emoting
To listen to a medstudent talk
Here we come, walkin'
Down the street.
We get the funniest looks from
Ev'ry one we meet.
Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
And people say we monkey around.
But we're too busy singing
To put anybody down.
We act however we want to
Don’t care what disease we’ve got
We’d really rather be on the TV
But I’ll give this a shot
We go wherever we want to,
do what we like to do
We don't have time to get restless,
There's always something new.
Hey hey we’re fake patients
And students say that we’re of no use
But we’re too busy crying
Talking about our fake abuse
Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
And people say we monkey around.
But we're too busy singing
To put anybody down.
Students tryin’ to be friendly,
They’re trying hard to show empathy
Now they’re using reflection
But today I’m borderline personality
We're just tryin' to be friendly,
Come and watch us sing and play,
We're the young gneration,
And we've got something to say.
Take time out, recollect your thoughts,
You won’t get too much feedback,
Cause I’ll stay in character
Any time, Or anywhere,
Just look over your shoulder
Guess who'll be standing there
Hey hey we’re fake patients
Can’t remember my fake story
Maybe I’ll just be seductive
Distract from the history
FP starts grinding on student
Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
And people say we monkey around.
But we're too busy singing
To put anybody down.
Student1: Wait, wait, wait. I need a time out!
[Music stops suddenly, curtain closes.]
15
SKIT: Pittsburgh is our new home
Narrator: After a seemingly unending series of tests, Harry, Ron, and Germione were
sorely in need of a little break. Fortunately, Ron Wheezy invited his new friends
to meet his parents and eat a home-cooked meal. We catch up with Harry and
Germione as they are arriving at the Wheezy’s house in Blawnox, Pennsylvania.
By the way, have you ever been to Blawnox? It’s real nice. Blawnox is a
borough located in Allegheny County, Pennsylvania. As of the 2000 census, the
borough had a total population of 1,550. Interestingly, Blawnox is the setting for
The Blawnox Unpleasantness by Jeffrey Kipnis. But enough about Blawnox—
the stage should be set up by now—let’s get back to the show.
At the end of Narrator’s speech, Harry and Germione enter stage left.
Germione pantomimes doorbell pushing. “Here We Go” song plays. Curtain lifts on
Pittsburgh family, as Harry and Germione walk in.
Mom: Hey guys! We’re so glad you made it!
Harry: Sorry we’re late; we got a bit lost. Then we got really bad directions from these
two guys at a gas station.
[Spotlight down on Harry and scene. Spotlight up on two yinzers, opposite stage.
Throughout scene, Yinzers speaking on top of each other.]
Yinzer1: So this street that you're on now is O'Hara St . Go straight until you get to the
intersection of Bigelow Blvd and Bigelow Blvd. Go straight…
Yinzer2: But now you'll be on Bigelow Blvd , not O'Hara St.
Yinzer1: Keep going until you get to the next intersection of Bigelow and Bigelow. Go
straight again.
Yinzer2: But now the name of the street has changed to Bayard St.
Yinzer1: Go straight on Bayard and when you get to Craig St, turn left. Keep going
straight.
Yinzer2: But after two stoplights, the street becomes Bigelow Blvd.
Yinzer1: Stay on Bigelow until you get "dahntahn". Follow the signs to the Fort Pitt
Bridge.
Yinzer2: The Fort Pitt Bridge becomes the Fort Pitt Tunnel.
Yinzer1: After the Tunnels you are on the Parkway West.
16
Yinzer2: Which is actually 279-South.
Yinzer1: Once you cross Highway 79, continue straight.
Yinzer2: The Parkway West is now Highway 22...and also Highway 30.
Yinzer1: Stay on this for a few more ‘mawhls’.
Yinzer2: At this point, the Parkway West has become Highway 60 North.
Yinzer1: Exit the on the Orange Belt, and turn right. Make your 7th right, 3rd left, and
your 4th left.
Yinzer2: After the Y-intersection where the old roller rink used to be…
Yinzer1: And, bingo, you're there.
[Lights down on Yinzers. Lights up on family scene.]
Germione: And then, when we finally got to the last intersection down the street, we
almost got hit by a car! When the light turned green, Harry went to go straight
and some guy turned left and cut us off. We thought we were going to die!
Mom: Don’t worry about it hon’. Yinz guys just sit down and I’ll get you something to
drink. Ron’s older brother just went out to the pizza place to get us some more
Ahrn City, so drink up.
Harry: Thanks! I’m thirsty! I’m starving, too! I haven’t had much time to eat or drink
lately because we’ve been working so hard in our classes.
Mom: I’m glad you’re here. We got a lot of food here tonight. Let me just go toss the
salad in the deep fryer! [Mom walks offstage, stage right.]
Door opens and Don Wheezy walks in.
Ron: Hey Dawnnie! How’s school going?
Don: Not bad, but I think I want to transfer again.
Mom [Shouts from offstage.]: Not again!
Harry: Where do you go to school?
Don: Well, I go to Indiana now, but I just transferred there from Cal U.
Germione: Well at least Indiana is a little closer to home than California.
17
Harry: Yeah, it must have been hard to go so far away from home to school. And all the
way to California!
Don: What are yinz talking about?
Ron: He started at Cal U. in Pennsylvania and now goes to IUP…you know, down by
Eighty Four.
Harry: Route Eighty Four?
Ron: No, Eighty Four, Pennsylvania, down by Houston. Hey Don, Where do you want
to go now?
Don: I got some friends at Penn State Altoona, but I’m also looking at Edinboro. We’ll
see.
Germione: Edinboro, Scotland? That’d be incredible! I’ve always wanted to study
abroad, but I never got the chance in college.
Ron: No, Germione, Edinboro is up the parkway north towards Erie.
Harry: I think Altoona is one of the possible sites for our clinical skills. I think if you
follow the road after Latrobe you get there eventually, right?
Don: Latrobe? Where is that at?
Harry: Um, I think they make beer there.
Ron: Oh, you must mean Lay-trobe.
Harry: Oh, yeah, I guess so. Hey Ron, do you know where you’re assigned for clinical
skills? I think I have to go to Chartiers [Pronounced as if French].
Ron: It’s Chartiers. [Pronounced like a Yinzer.] No, I don’t know yet. You, Germione?
Germione: I either have to go to Du Bois or North Versailles [Pronounced as if French].
Don: It’s Du Boise and North Versaylles.
Lonnie, wearing tie over Steelers jersey, comes in from stage left
Ron: Lonnie, how was work?
Lon: My firm just settled a case out of court, so I got dressed up for no reason.
Germione: What do you do?
18
Lon: Oh, I’m a law student. I work part time for a firm dahntahn.
Germione: Where do you go? Do you go to Du-ques-nee [Looks around expectantly].
Lon: Where?
Harry: You know, Du-ques-nee, on the way downtown from Oakland.
Ron: Oh, I think they mean Duquesne [Said appropriately.]. What made you think it
was pronounced like that?
Mom reenters scene from stage right.
Mom: All right everyone, dinner’s ready. Come to the table. [brings out fried salad,
sushi with fries on top]
Harry: What are these on top of the sushi?
Mom: Fries. Why? Who wants to say the prayer?
Dad: Mother, would you like to lead us?
Grandma: Let us pray. Dear lord, thanks so much for the food. And by the way, dear
Lord, for these things we pray.
Our Father, Art Rooney
Hallowed be thy Stillers
One for the thumb, please let it be done
By the great Bettis, Ward, and Porter, Triple Yoy
Give us this day our championship rings
Cowher forgive the refs, as we forgive Cowher
And lead us not to just the playoffs this year, but deliver us a Super Bowl
For thine is the Black, and the Gold forever and ever.
Who Dey.
Assembly: We Dey.
Grandma: Amen.
19
Assembly: Amen.
From stage left Johnny, the last brother, walks in. Has spectacular mullet. Germ and
Harry’s mouths agape.
Harry and Germ: [Astonished] Whoa!
Dad: It’s about time, Johnny, we’re out of Iron City!
John: Sorry, Dad, some jagoff tried to go straight right in front of me while I was trying
to go left. Where do these people learn to drive?
Germione [To Harry]: I’m starting to worry that we don’t fit in so well in Pittsburgh.
Harry [To Germione]: Maybe we should start with new haircuts.
20
SONG: Mullets in the Street
“Dancin’ in the Street,” by Martha Reeves and the Vandellas
Callin’ out around da burgh
Yinz ready for more to eat?
Ayron city and the time is right
For mullets in the street
They’re mullets in Oakland
Dahn in DuBois
Up in North Versails
Callin' out around the world,
Are you ready for a brand new beat?
Summer's here and the time is right
For dancin' in the street.
Dancin' in Chicago (dancin' in the street)
Down in New Orleans (dancin' in the street)
In New York City
All we have is mullets, sweet mullets
We have mullets everywhere
They are swingin’, swayin’ and the front’s clingin’
And we flaunt them in the street
All we need is music, sweet music,
There'll be music everywhere
There'll be swingin' swayin', and records playin,
Dancin' in the street
Oy, doesn’t matter if Heinz is cold
As long as you’re black and gold
So come on, every fan grab a towel
Mispronounce every vowel
There’ll be mullets
They’re mullets in the seats
Oh it doesn't matter what you wear,
Just as long as you are there.
So come on every guy, grab a girl,
Everywhere, around the world
There'll be dancin',
they're dancin' in the street.
This is a destination
For the Steeler nation
A chance for us to eat
There’ll be Primanti’s, pierogies, and O fries eaten
By yinzers who love meat
This is an invitation,
Across the nation,
A chance for folks to meet.
There'll be laughin' singin', and music swingin'
Dancin' in the street
Pizburgh, PA (Knowledge City)
Kennywood and Sandcastle (Take the Parkway East)
Yeah don’t forget the Souside (Before the Liberty Tubes)
Philadelphia P.A.,
Baltimore and D.C now,
Can't forget the motor city,
All we have is bridges, yellow bridges
There are rivers everywhere
Population agin’ and students leavin’
Voting with their feet, yeah
All we need is music, sweet music
There'll be music everywhere
There'll be swingin' swayin', and records playin,
Dancin' in the street
It doesn’t matter what you say
Just talk the Pizburgh way
So come on n’at, your truck needs cleaned
Just redd up you nebby fiend
There’ll be huntin’
Huntin’ deer and shootin’ skeet
Oh it doesn't matter what you wear,
just as long as you are there.
So come on every guy, grab a girl,
Everywhere, around the world
They're dancin',
dancin' in the street
Pizburgh, PA (Too close to W V A)
Baltimore and DC now (only 4 hours away)
Yeah don’t forget ‘bout Appalachia (Not East Coast or
Midwest)
All the way from Dormont to Carnaygee
Not to mention Monroeville towards Laytrobe
Sq-uirr-el Hill
Shady Shadyside, Allegheny County
Way down in L.A.,
every day they're dancin' in the street
Lets form a big strong line, and get in time,
We're dancin' in the street.
Across the ocean blue, me and you
We're dancin n the street
We're dancin n the street
21
SKIT: 1st/2nd year classes
[Desk on the stage with a large SC on it, just like SportsCenter. Two commentators are in
suits. They talk in ridiculous SportsCenter voices. On the right side of the stage is
the sports caster setup. On the other side is a classroom set up. The Sportscenter
side will be lit all the time. The light will come up on the left side of the stage
when there’s a pause to watch the action in the classes. Third light on center of
stage for dream sequences and interviews.]
Commentator 1: Hey there, welcome to ScaifeCenter, with the wrap-up of two years of
lecture, PBL, and soft afternoon classes. I’m Jeff McTalkerson…
Commentator 2: …and I’m Lou Commenty. Stay tuned to see all the highlights. We’ve
got dead bodies, biochemical pathways, Powerpoint…
C1: …So much powerpoint. Take it from us, you’ll want to stay tuned.
C2: Jeff, can you say organ systems?
C1: Oh mama! This [pause] is ScaifeCenter!
[Sportscenter music plays.]
C2: Alright Jeff, lets start from the beginning.
C1: Does it start with an A, Lou?
C2: Mindreader! The Scarlet A in this house is Anatomy, though it’s really more of an
off-grey color.
C1: What’s that smell? Is it formaldehyde or the sweet, sweet teaching of Jack “One,
Two Buckle My” Schumann?
C2: I don’t care, cause I’m hungry either way. Let’s check out some of the action.
[Light comes up on the classroom side of the stage.]
Schumann: [Pointing to drawing of face with nerves.] And you can see that the
Trigeminal nerve is divided into three distinct segments, each supplying the
sensory function to a separate segment of the face. And this large mid-facial
orifice is called the mouth…where the beer goes in.
[Students all slapping hands, holding up signs saying, “We heart Schumann!” Light goes
down on classroom side of the stage.]
C1: Electrifying, Lou!
22
C2: Almost peed my pants, Jeff! Who knew medical school could be this great?
C1: Let’s check out the sideline comments of one of the students.
[Light goes on in the middle of the stage where a field reporter is holding a microphone
for one of the students.]
Student: I can’t believe it! It’s amazing! The teaching at Pitt Med is soooo good. I am so
psyched for the rest of the year. I think Schumann, I mean Dr. Schumann, makes
it pretty clear that this school is committed to having excellent teachers.
[Light on student goes out.]
C2: Right-e-o. Well, I guess we’d better get on to the rest of the season before we start
celebrating.
C1: Was that girl counting unhatched chickens?
C2: I think so, farmboy. It’s biochemisty time!
[Light goes up on classroom with Morris standing in front of confusing, handwritten—
from original syllabus—biochemistry pathway. Students are slumped in a variety
of postures.]
Morris: I think it’s pretty clear from this slide that the rate limiting step in the glycolneo-gluco-alpha-poly-mucin-blahdy-blahdy-blahdy-blahdy…
C1: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
[All action in classroom freezes, light stays on.]
C1: We’ve got to have a better look at that.
C2: Mighty Morris is in full effect. You know this guy wrote his own book for this class.
C1: Ain’t no book Lou, they call it a syllabus.
C2: What do you mean by that? I thought a syllabus was just a piece of paper that
outlined the schedule for the course.
C1: A syllabus here is a low budget text. We don’t need no stinking book. Let’s see
what the kids get for their tuition!
Light goes off on classroom side of stage. Projection of actual biochem syllabus drawing
next to nice drawing from a real book, with both clearly labeled: “Actual page
from Biochemistry Syllabus,” and “Actual page from real Biochemistry Book.”
23
C2: Good gravy!
C1: Good entire Thanksgiving dinner, Lou.
C2: Thank God they don’t actually have to know that stuff to be doctors.
C1: I’m changing my health plan! Let’s fast-forward to Cell-Signaling.
C2: I’m signaling for mercy! Practicing physicians? No way! Basic science all the way.
Light goes on classroom. Lecturer standing in front of schematic of
SHC/GRB/SOS/RAS/RAF/MEK/ERK. Should be extremely complicated drawing
with words really big, since we’ll use the word ERK later.
Lecturer: The final step of this extremely [said with emphasis on “extremely”] important
pathway is when the MEK protein binds the ERK protein. I’ve personally written
at least 10 peer-reviewed journal articles on this step alone…
C1: What’s that Lou?
[Action freezes.]
C2: I see it! Is that young Joey McGunnerson lost in a daydream?
C1: You betcha. Poor kid looks like she believes this stuff is pertinent!
C2: Let’s have a look in her mind.
C1: I love Brain-o-Vision!
One of the students in the classroom unfreezes and gets up and goes to the center of the
stage where he is joined by an attending and residents in long white coats. The
student puts on a short white coat, and the lights go down on the classroom, but
stay up on the center of the stage and the sportscaster desk.
McGunnerson: [Says to audience] I’m going to learn this so well. This will really
distinguish me in third year. [Joins attending and residents]
Attending: Geez, this is a really difficult patient. I’ve got no idea what’s going on here,
and I’m the attending! Does anyone have any ideas?
[Silence for a second. Residents all look at each other and shrug.]
McGunnerson: [Hesitantly] Ummm…well, could this be an ERK deficiency?
24
Attending: [Astounded] Oh my God, you figured it out. You’ve saved the patient!
You’re the greatest medical student ever!
[Residents carry student off stage on their shoulders. Lights go down on center of stage.]
C1: Interesting…
C2: Wow, who’s this guy?
C1: It’s Pitt’s incredible Dr. Naus: condensing two years of pathology into one amazing
lecture.
Dr. Naus: [Wearing khakis, blue blazer, with long pointer in one hand and giant remotecontrol for slide projector in other, glasses around his neck flowery tie, smoking.]
Everything you need to know in pathology, you already know. Everything you
think you don't know, you know. And everything you know, is all you'll ever
need to know. Knowing what you know now, you now know more than you ever
knew you knew, and more than you'll ever know again. You know?
C2: I know all right. But I don’t think I know as much as our next guest.
C1: You’re right, Lou. Let’s introduce Dr. Whitcomb, gastroenterologist and prolific
researcher here at UPMC. [Dr. Whitcomb enters wearing a shirt that says “I
invented the pancreas.”]
C2: Welcome to the Iron City Hot Seat. Let’s toss up an important graphic.
[Graph goes up titled: “Understanding of the Pancreas.” There will be a picture of Dr.
Whitcomb at a point in timeline with an arrow pointing to the moment where he
arrived at UPMC. Time before his arrival labeled B.W. ( Before Whitcomb) and
A.W. (After Whitcomb) after his picture. At that point, the graph goes from flatline 0% to flat-line 100%.]
C1: Woohoo, Whitty! Is it true that there was no pancreas before you came along?
Whitcomb: Yes, that is true.
C2: Holla. What happened before you came along?
Whitcomb: They all died. [Dr Whitcomb gets up and leaves desk.]
C2: Booya. Another hard hitting interview.
C1: You know what else is a good time? Dermatology!
C2: Let’s see the teaching action….
25
Light goes up on classroom with students there, but an obvious lack of a teacher. Sound
of crickets playing.
C1: This class had no teacher.
C2: It only took a week.
C1: There was no book.
C2: They told the students not to come.
C1: Let’s have a moment of silence for all the cases of melanoma these future doctors
will miss.
Moment of silence occurs. Light goes down on classroom. One student coughs.
C1: Hey, Lou! Guess what?
C2: They’ve revised the curriculum to stress clinically relevant things!
C1: You wish! No, I mean that it’s time for the plays of the year!
C2: Alright! Shall we start with the number one most evocative syllabus writing?
C1: Oh yeah! And the winner is… hematology for the following gem.
C2: As performed word-for-word directly from the syllabus by our resident beatnik.
[Lights go up on center of stage with resident beatnik smoking a cigarette and holding
the hematology syllabus. She displays the syllabus to the audience. Slide show in
background or on side of stage showing blood smears, volcanoes, puppies and
dancers which get faster and faster as the exposition peaks! Interpretive dancing
will be occurring while the syllabus is being read and the slide show is going on.]
Beatnik: [Rips page out of syllabus.] One can view the hematopoietic system from a
range of metaphorical perspectives, all of which merely hint at its intricacy and
dynamism. It is a salad of distinct cells, layered into a richly textured topography
within the marrow. It is a frantic dance of erythrocytes squeezing into the
bloodstream leaving their nuclei behind, of ribbons of platelets streaming out of
lumbering megakaryocytes, of phagocytes tugged forward by their ruffling
membranes in a hunger-crazed can-can. It is a tower of babel in which progenitor
cells listen attentively for their siren cytokines within the percolating chemical
song. Unyielding and xenophobic, it is intent on the destruction of foreign
material or damaged cells; yet it also revels in the emergence of dissimilar
lineages from indistinguishable stem cells. And the hematopoietic system is a
volcano of production, spewing billions of new neutrophils during the span of this
26
presentation alone. In short, the hematopoietic system is a coordinated network of
communication and response, movement, growth and death. I.e. it is an organ
system…
[Lights go down on center of stage, slide show ends, interpretive dancer leaves. Stack of
syllabi are wheeled in by a dolly.]
C2: What was that?
C1: I don’t know, but I do know that’s one huge stack of syllabi.
[Lights go down on sportscaster desk. Lights stay up on syllabi. Singer in a sparkly shirt
comes out to sing “My Syllabi” song. People dressed as large foam syllabi
appear on the stage and tap dance along.]
27
SONG: These Syllabi
”Sweet Caroline,” by Neil Diamond
Started this class,
I found you in my mailbox
Back then I couldn’t wait to read…
Didn’t buy books
Cause you all seemed so weightyThought you were all that I could need
Where it began,
I can't begin to know when
But then I know it's growing strong
Was in the spring,
And spring became the summer
Who'd believe you'd come along
Bad, written bad, can’t read this
Spiral bound… piece of crap!
My syllabiNever learned a thing from you
Tried to highlight
Now you’re just like neon goo
Hands, touching hands, reaching out
Touching me, touching you
sweet Caroline
Good times never seem so good
I've been inclined
to believe it never would
And now I-
But now I-
I sit in class
And I don’t understand it
I go to you to look things up
There’s no inn-dex
And sometimes no page numbers
How am I s’pposed to find a thing?
I look at the night
And it don't seem so lonely
We fill it up with only two,
And when I hurt
Hurting runs off my shoulders
How can I hurt when holding you
Slides, copied slides, captionless
don’t explain, what a mess!!
These syllabiLectures were so poorly taught
I’ve read outlines
But they didn’t help at all, oh no no
one, touching one, reaching out
Touching me, touching you
sweet Caroline
Good times never seem so good
I've been inclined
to believe it never would
These syllabi, proof that teaching doesn’t pay
My syllabi, swear I’ll burn you all some day.
sweet Caroline, good times never seem so good
sweet Caroline, I believed they never could…
SKIT: Condition G, 4th Floor Scaife Hall
[Harry, Ron, and Germ standing outside of Financial Aid Office.]
Harry: Germ, what’s the matter? You look upset.
Germ: I don’t know, something just feels [pause] wrong around here.
Harry: What do you mean?
Germ: Were you not there for the freak show that was genetics? Can you believe
we’ve learned the mechanism for Viagra a dozen times but still don’t know
anything about leukemia? Did you not notice that they made us take microbiology
twice? Were you not in class when a deaf man taught us about heart sounds?
Were you not at all freaked out by Dr. Nichols?
Ron: [Takes puff from inhaler.] Oh, Germione, relax. It’s not that bad and yo, that def
guy dropped some dope beats [imitates Shaver doing heart sounds, beat boxing
from orchestra pit]. Lub click shh dub, lub click shh dub; mitral valve prolapse!
Yeah, kind of like that.
Germ: Ron, you’ve hardly been to class in over a year.
28
Harry: Guys, I have something to tell you. Something the administration doesn’t want
you to know, but it may explain why things are so strange around here. An evil
doctor, the same person who killed my parents, has returned to UPMC and has
recruited a handful of people to do his evil bidding. This small group is called the
Anus Equini, but no one knows for sure who they are.
[Kantgrid enters]
Kantgrid: That’s right kids. We didn’t want to tell you all about this because we were
worried it would hurt our US News and World Report rankings. We’re barely
holding steady at #16. [Kantgrid leaves]
Germ: Everything is starting to make sense. Don’t you remember the PBL training
video with Mad Eye Mahooney? And what’s worse, have you seen our class’
grades? We’re never going to pass boards. Something’s happening around here,
and it sounds like Vulvawart has something to do with it.
Ron: Plus the exams are on Mondays. Don’t they believe in letting us have a weekend?
Germ: See?
Harry: I’m also worried financial aid is in cahoots with Vulvawart. I was just in the
financial aid office, and I just don’t know how I’m going to afford school this
year. And with boards so close, I don’t know how to pay for those either!
Ron: I know. It’s been 8 months, and they haven’t sent me my loan check. I’ve had
peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner the last week and a half.
Germione: AAAGH! Just because I’m not a cute guy and won’t flirt with them, I’m not
getting any financial aid this semester! How has Vulvawart gotten so much
influence?
Dean Levine walks in.
Levine: Hello, my name is Dean Levine. Are you three here interviewing for a spot in
next year’s Pitt Med class? If so, let me remind you about our new status as one
of the NIH’s largest grossing institutions.
Germ: Actually, Dean Levine, we’re all students here already, we just haven’t met.
Levine: Now, I find that hard to believe. I’m extremely committed to students. I have
even instituted a research requirement within the curriculum just as you all have
asked for. You really get a great value when you arrive here at Pitt Med!
Harry: Well, Dean Levine, that’s one of the things we were just discussing.
29
SONG: Burdened With Debt
“Seasons of Love,” from Rent
Student
225,600 dollars, 225,000 dollars to you
225,600 dollars- how do you explain the debt I’ve accrued?
I can’t get, AOA, my board scores are at the mean
I think that, I should have, gone to state school (oh, wait, this
is!)
With 225,600 dollars- I could retire and live comfortably
Explain my… debt, so much… debt, look at my debt.
Mountains of debt. Burdened with Debt… Burdened with
Debt
COMPANY
525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear.
525,600 minutes - how do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee.
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.
In 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life?
How about love? How about love? How about love? Measure
in love.
Seasons of love.
Dean
225,600 dollars, why, that’s not much when you think of
what you get
225,600 dollars, what a childish notion to think of it as debt
SOLOIST 1
525,600 minutes! 525,000 journeys to plan.
525,600 minutes - how can you measure the life of a woman
or man?
There’s research, more research, and what about BST3
Just think of, the amount, to hire faculty
Those 225,600 dollars- could have been saved if you went
PhD
The honor of Pitt, The privilege of Pitt, the honor of Pitt
You’ll match just fine, ‘cause you’re mine
SOLOIST 2
In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried.
In bridges he burned, or the way that she died.
Dean and Student
It’s soon time to pay up
So spend all that we’ve (you’ve) got, we’ll (you’ll) specialize
and posturize and be rich in the end
No time for… debt Looks like we’re (you’re)… set Glad
we’re (you’re) at Pitt. (solo student) Dean can get bent…
Seasoned with… debt Seasoned with… Debt
Seasoned with debt
COMPANY
It's time now to sing out,
tho the story never ends let's celebrate remember a year in the
life of friends.
Remember the love!
Remember the love! Remember the love!
Measure in love.
Seasons of love! Seasons of love.
SKIT: Levine continues
On stage with curtain open following the song.
Levine: So, you’ll be glad to know that I am doing something about the cost of medical
school. [Pause]Tuition is going up!
Ron: [To Harry & Germ] Again.
Levine: So I’m putting aside extra money for more scholarships!
[Students perk up.]
Levine: And by scholarships, I mean loans. And by loans I mean I’ll get to build
another BST! And that means more money for research! And that means [Pause]
more money! [Cackles, rubs hands together.]
Narrator: Condition G, grant approved in Scaife hall, floor 9, wing G. Condition G,
grant approved in Scaife hall, floor 9, wing G.
Dean Levine runs across the stage cheering, giving high fives to Harry, Ron, and Germ,
who offer their hands bewildered.
Levine: Hahahahahahaha! [Continues to cackle as he runs off.]
30
[Students look puzzled.]
Harry: Is that normal dean behavior?
Germ: Yeah, I thought that deans were supposed to be dedicated to education and
students. I’m so confused.
Ron: You know, I’ve heard that becoming an administrator can make you lose touch, but
that [emphatically] was ridiculous!
Harry: Vulvawart!
Scene ends with low-pitch, slowed down Vulvawart
SKIT: Marley and Trippin’
[In front of curtain. DM and MT walk out.]
DM: Mo? Maurice? Hey, where’d you go? [DM turns to the right and left a few times,
never turning completely around, looking for Mo, who is directly behind her.]
MT: Hey, man. I’m right here. What’s goin’ on?
DM: [Turns around completely, sees Mo.] Hey Mo! Whoa, you grew a moustache.
Awesome. Wait, what was I saying? [Pause] Hey, did you hear that Condition
G a few minutes ago?
MT: Cosmic!
DM: Yeah, that means more summer research opportunities for our students, right here
at UPMC!
MT: Way cool. Hey, wanna get some pizza?
DM: Did you eat all those Pringles again?
DM and MT walk off.
31
SKIT: Step One preparation
Narrator: With first and second year almost finished, Harry’s attention turned to the next
major hurdle of his medical school experience, passing Step One of the USMLE
board exams. For help, the students turned to Rich Prepitt, the school’s academic
counselor.
[Germ walks into Rich’s office for her board prep meeting. Depends under desk. Rich
Prepitt is drenched in sweat].
Rich: Alright, for the next 6 weeks you are in ICS class from 9am-12pm everyday. That
really hurts you because you can’t be studying your First Aid in there. [hands
Germ a First Aid] Wait, first things first; Where do you live?”
Germ: ShadysiRich: Shadyside! That gives you a 30-minute commute. Have you thought about living
in Oakland? That would save you, oh, at least 10 minutes every day. Over 10
weeks, that will save you 12 hours! Just remember that living in Oakland would
help you. Think about it. [pause] At 8am everyday you should be in the library
doing your pharm cards before ICS class begins. I don’t consider this part of your
review time since you haven’t been exposed to pharmacology at all in medical
school and you are seeing this stuff for the first time. Then there’s the 3 hours of
ICS class. Then, lunch. You can eat quickly, right?
Germ: Well, I never really thought about it.
Rich: You’ll learn. After lunch go home and study until dinner-time. After dinner, you
study until bedtime. Of course, once in bed, pharm cards, pharm cards, pharm
cards. It’s your future! Just remember, they never taught you pharmacology.
[Rich tosses pharm cards thrice as he repeats it.]
Germ: Pharm cards? Are these good?
Rich: Did you see my board prep sheet? Is it underlined?
Germ: Yes.
Rich: Bold?
Germ: Yes.
Rich: Small caps, italicized, carroted, with an umlaut?
Germ: OK, I get it. [pause] It seems like I won’t even have time to go to the bathroom.
32
Rich: Oh, I almost forgot, thanks for bringing that up. How well do you want to do?
Germ: Huh?
Rich: I’ll just tell you how it usually broke down in the past. For a score of 220 to 230,
you should stick to a lifestyle modification. You know, limit your fluid intake to 2
glasses per day. [As he says this, he takes Germ’s water bottle away from her] If
you want to get a score between 230 and 250, you ought to put a foley catheter
into your bladder.
Germ: What if I want to get better than a 250?
Rich: Depends.
Tosses a Depends to student. Rich starts singing.
33
SONG: If You Wanna Be a Doctor
“Wannabe” by the Spice Girls
So, I’ll tell you how to pass how to really really pass
So tell me how to pass how to really really pass
I’ll tell you how to pass how to really really pass
So tell me how to pass how to really really pass
I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really
Really really really really pass the damn test
Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want,
So tell me what you want, what you really really want,
I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want,
So tell me what you want, what you really really want,
I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really
really really wanna zigazig ha.
If you want to pass it, better get first aid
If you wanna ace it, then pharm cards all day
Now don’t you waste-a any precious time
Make yourself a schedule, ten weeks might be just fine
If you want my future forget my past,
If you wanna get with me better make it fast,
Now don't go wasting my precious time,
Get your act together we could be just fine
I’ll tell you what I owe what I really really owe
Tell me what you owe what you really really owe
I gotta I gotta I gotta I gotta really
Really really really really gotta get more loans
I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want,
So tell me what you want, what you really really want,
I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really
really really wanna zigazig ha.
If you wanna be a doctor, U S M L E
Better get more money, the test it isn’t free
If you wanna be a doctor, they make you pay and pay
Kaplan is expensive for Q-Bank every da-ayy
If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends,
Make it last forever friendship never ends,
If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give,
Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is.
How do I handle it now that I have no more class,
If they’da taught me micro it mighta helped me pass
We get ten weeks, other schools get two
So then how is it that there’s no time to screw
What do you think about that now you know how I feel,
Say you can handle my love are you for real,
I won't be hasty, I'll give you a try
If you really bug me then I'll say goodbye.
I’ll tell you what I know what I really really know
So tell me what you know what you really really know
I knowa, I knowa, I knowa, I knowa really
Really really really don’t wanna take it again
Yo I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want,
So tell me what you want, what you really really want,
I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really
really really wanna zigazig ha.
If you wanna be a doctor, U S M L E
Eat so you don’t pass out, and barely time to pee
If you wanna be a doctor, better take sustenance
Suffer for nine hours, cause that’s how long it is
If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends,
Make it last forever friendship never ends,
If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give,
Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is.
So here’s the answers from A to E, you wanna get it right
You gotta listen to Richie
We got Levitt at the school, he’ll tell you all to rule
He got tips and lists and schedules too
Q-Bank don’t come for free, but he’ll make you see
And pathology, it’s BRS for me
Underlined and bold, gotta know it cold
Underlined and bold, gotta know it cold
So here's a story from A to Z, you wanna get with me
you gotta listen carefully,
We got Em in the place who likes it in your face,
we got G like MC who likes it on an
Easy V doesn't come for free, she's a real lady,
and as for me..ah you'll see,
Slam your body down and wind it all around
Slam your body down and wind it all around.
If you wanna be a doctor, U S M L E
One slip by prometric – now you’re an actuary
If you wanna be a doctor, your answers saved so slow
Twenty year old computers and oh my god .. noooo!!!
If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends,
Make it last forever friendship never ends,
If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give,
Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is.
If you wanna be a doctor, you gotta, you gotta, you
gotta
You gotta, you gotta, (pass, pass pass pass)
Pass step 1 of the USMLE
Pass step 1 of the USMLE
Pass step 1 of the USMLE
Pass step 1 and third year here we come
If you wanna be a doctor
If you wanna be my lover, you gotta, you gotta, you
gotta,
you gotta, you gotta, slam, slam, slam, slam
Slam your body down and wind it all around.
Slam your body down and wind it all around.
Slam your body down and wind it all around.
Slam your body down zigazig ah
If you wanna be my lover.
34
SKIT: more exposition in front of curtain
[Student walks out carrying Depends from one side of stage towards Harry and Ron
walking from opposite end of stage. Harry has a foley bag in his hand, Ron with
toilet paper rolls, and Germ with Depends under her arm]
Harry: [towards student] 250, huh? Strong.
Germ: Yeah, I guess there’s no time to talk. See ya.
Harry: You see, Ron! Vulvawart is setting us up to fail. We can’t let that happen!
Ron: What are you talking about?
Harry: I’m not sure that what Rich Prepitt recommends is what I should do to pass the
boards. It just seems crazy. He sang a Spice Girls Song for the love of humanity!
It was awful! Rich must be under the influence of Vulvawart.
Ron: No, I just think he’s insane.
Harry: Don’t you see, Ron? The administration thought I could help, but I think I’ve
put our class at risk because he’s trying to get back at me. Vulvawart doesn’t
want me to pass, and he’s trying to take down our whole class with me. We can’t
let this happen. We must pass our boards!
[They run offstage with their books . Curtain closes.]
35
ACT 2
SKIT: Jokes We Will Not Be Making This Evening
Person walks out to middle of stage.
Person: [reading from paper] Thank you again for joining us tonight. Those of you in
the audience who have attended the show in years past may be wondering to
yourself about the notable absence of certain jokes. As a public service, the
writers of Scope and Scalpel have to decided to forgo the following jokes this
evening and spare those whose names have been impugned in the past. These are
the jokes we won’t be making:
1. Dean Levine is short in stature. Despite becoming a preeminent researcher at the
NIH, as well as attracting millions of dollars to this institution, thereby elevating
its national rankings considerably, the fact remains: he still can’t ride the
Phantom’s Revenge at Kennywood.
2. GTPGDPGTPGDPGTPGDPGTPGDP.
3. It is well established that in all things hematologic, Franklin Bontempo is an
expert. Yet his genius cannot be satisfied by the coagulation cascade, instead
bursting forth like the torrent of words from his twittering lips.
Bontempo: Wait, wait, wait. Who are you? What do you know about Scope and
Scalpel? How long has it been going? Who was the first director? First writer?
52 years. Bebe Miller.
4. As concerns the fairer sex, in some circles it is argued that Dr. Amber Barnato
represents the zenith of the aesthetic ideal. Unfortunately, the botulinum toxin that
courses through the musculature of her brow has also paralyzed her ability to
convey any true human emotion. In summary, dibs on Dr. Fox.
5. Dr. Jamie Johnston is a dork. In spite of his fetishization of all things Klingon, he
inexplicably beamed aboard his Starship Enterprise a humanoid of far superior
beauty with a sweetness rivaled only by a mouthful of Samoas. I’ll take three
boxes of Duker, please.
6. Shoving your finger up a stranger’s ass sucks. Big time.
7. Many people at this medical school have funny-lookin’ hair.
[pause]
Well, on this one point maybe we just can’t help ourselves.
VIDEO: Hair of Pitt Med
Pictures of various faculty members flash by, while “Hair” plays in background.
36
SKIT: Medicine clerkship
Narrator: After months of study, one by one, the second year students marched to the
narrow cubicles of the Prometric testing site, where after seven hours of grueling
questions relating to subjects they would never use again, they found themselves
free. Well, perhaps not free, but on reprieve until third year began. And in that
period of freedom, repeated results of high test scores filtered back to the medical
school. The high scores were indeed a setback to the powers of Vulvawart and
his ring of Anus Equini. With the first two years behind them, students found
they had to concentrate on other powerful forces found in the hospital, namely
nurses, residents, attendings.
Medicine team standing in front of elevator on rounds.
Dr. Painful: All right, how many patients do we still have to see?
Resident: Well, Dr. Painful, there are 3 left on the 9th floor.
Doctor: Excellent. We’re already halfway done, and we’re making great time.
Student:[to other student]: We’ve been rounding for 6 hours!
Student2: Internal medicine blows!
Doctor: Let’s take the elevator. You [to Student2] push the button. These things never
seem to come on time. Quick, what’s the probability that the elevator will come
in the next 1 minute?
Student1: 80%
Student2: 20% [said simultaneously]
Doctor: No, both wrong. In a randomized double-blinded control trial, the seminal Otis
study, the probability was found to be 64% (p</=0.05). I’ll give you the citation
after rounds.
Student1: Ohhh- interesting
Student2: Ah…[simultaneously, feigning interest].
Doctor: Well, while we wait, we should probably be learning. You [student1], what’s
the differential of the delay in the arrival of this elevator?
Student1: Maybe there are just a lot of people on it, and it’s stopping on a lot of floors.
Uh, maybe it’s just stuck.
Doctor: Go on, there are still plenty left…
37
Student2: Maybe the elevator was hijacked and the abductors are, uh, waiting for
ransom… or …maybe… the elevator has found a rip in the space-time continuum
and it’s, um, currently in another galaxy?
Doctor: Well, those are a bit lower on the differential but good thoughts. Anything else?
Student1: Lupus? Hypothyroidism? [pause, looking uncomfortable] But it’s probably
just stuck.
Doctor: Ok, tell me more about that. What would cause it to be stuck? What in the
history makes you think that it’s stuck? What is the pathogenesis of stuck? Think
about it physiologically.
Student1: Um, uh, isn’t there a pulley or something?
Doctor: Why don’t you tell us a bit more about this on rounds tomorrow.
Student2 presses button again
Doctor: Is there any evidence to support that pushing the button multiple times causes
the elevator to arrive faster?
Student2: Well, I …
Doctor: Do you know? [pointing to the resident]
Resident: Well the REPEAT Study of 2001….
Student2: REPEAT?
Resident: It is an acronym for Repetitive Elevator-Button Pushing: Effects on Arrival
Time, R, E, P, E, A, T.
Student2: Oh….
Resident: Well, as the follow-up to the TAINT Study- which had indeterminate resultsthe Landmark REPEAT Study of 2001 showed there was no conclusive evidence
that pushing the button more than once brought the elevator to the floor any
faster. However, I have heard some anecdotal evidence to the contrary and I saw
a case report last year in the New England Journal of Elevator Maintenance.
Doctor: For me to believe it, it has to be randomized and controlled.
Student2: Jeez, I have the worst headache of my life.
Doctor: Good, good. Tell me more about that? What’s that pathognomonic for?
38
Student2: [under his breath]: Rounding endlessly.
Student1: Isn’t it just one flight of stairs? Couldn’t we just use the staircase?
Doctor: Sure, what are the benefits and what are the risks of taking the stairs?
39
SONG: Pain
“Fame,” by Irene Cara
Nurses please help me
I need the quantity…
And co-lor-a-tion of the pee
I’ve no time I’ll have to make up the rest…
Of my S-O-A-P I know your history
I’ll say hep-a-to-meg-a-ly
Patient’s o-be-se-ty
Baby look at me
And tell me what you see.
You ain't seen the best of me yet
Give me time, I'll make you forget the rest.
I got more in me, and you can set it free
I can catch the moon in my hand
Don't you know who I am?
They can’t question me-Pain
I’m going to round forever
Your mag is just a bit high, Why?
Need things for the differential
My list only has thirty-four! More!
I’m gonna read the consult,
I’ll steal the plan of that guy- lie!
We’re gonna round forever,
I just may very well die
Hour one, hour two, hour one, hour two,
hour one, hour two, hour one, hour two,
Remember my name (Fame)
I'm gonna live forever
I'm gonna learn how to fly (High)
I feel it coming together
People will see me and die (Fame)
I'm gonna make it to heaven
Light up the sky like a flame (Fame)
I'm gonna live forever
Baby, remember my name
Remember, Remember, Remember, Remember,
Remember, Remember, Remember, Remember
What’s that bedpan for?
You just crapped on the floor
I think you need a rectal exam
Let me put some ex-tra lube on this hand
Look there’s a-sci-tes
Fluid waves excites me
Tap the abdomen right at the bed
Baby hold me tight
'Cause you can make it right.
You can shoot me straight to the top
Give me love and take all I got to give.
Baby I'll be tough
Too much is not enough, no
I can ride your heart till it breaks
You've got what it takes.
It’s the only procedure that we can do- Pain!
I’m going to round forever
Your albumin is a bit low – No!
I’ve been here since 5 in the morning
I’ll be here un-til late at night – Right!
Patients who have di-a-be-tes
They need to start losing fat. Stat!
I’m going to round forever,
I just may very well die.
Hour three, hour four, hour three, hour four,
Hour three, hour four, hour three, hour four
Remember my name (Fame)
I'm gonna live forever
I'm gonna learn how to fly (High)
I feel it coming together
People will see me and die (Fame)
I'm gonna make it to heaven
Light up the sky like a flame (Fame)
I'm gonna live forever
Baby, remember my name
Remember, Remember, Remember, Remember,
Remember, Remember, Remember, Remember
Pain!
I’m going to round forever
No sleep three nights in a row! Doh!
Nurses won’t draw AM labs now
Tell me to do it myself – HELP!
Writing my notes for nobody
‘Cept lawyers with nothing to do – Sue!
We’re gonna round forever,
I just may very well die.
Hour five, hour six, hour five, hour six,
Hour five, hour six, hour five, hour six
Pain!
I’m going to round forever
My intern’s pretty damn hot. Not.
Met-a-bo-lic a-ci-do-sis
MUDPILES not just for wimps – PIMP!
No clue what’s up with my patient
I think that he’s going to crump – dump!
We’re gonna round forever,
I just may very well die. Pain!
40
VIDEO ?
SONG: ICU Stomp
Lights come up on ICU scene, with patients, Rogers, students, aides, nurses dancing.
SKIT: OB residents are weird
Curtain is closed. Students are in Magee, piano playing Hall and Oates’ Maneater song
in background. Students walking as a group, looking a little lost.
Student1: I think that this is where we’re supposed to be…
Student2: I’m not sure, it doesn’t really look right. This place is just feels like a Holiday
Inn on tranquilizers. Is it just me, or is that piano freaking anyone else out?
Turtle: Um, excuse me, which way to the Turtle Pond?
Student1: I don’t know, it’s our first day here.
Turtle: Oh, OK, thank you!
Group of OB residents approaches, chattering amongst themselves, purposefully
ignoring the students. Student1 approaches them
Student1: Excuse me, we’re looking for the, um, “Zero floor.”
Residents ignore students
Student2 [quietly]: Brrr, it’s cold in here.
Student1: I’m sorry, we’re medical students and we’re trying to figure out where we’re
supposed to be…?
Delores: Do you hear something?
Student2 [with more volume]: I said, Brrr, it’s cold in here. There must be some….OBs
in the at-mo-sphere.
Delores: Oh, it’s on. Here we go, girls!
Residents [getting their cheer on]:
41
SONG: OB residents’ cheer
Residents: We’re sexy, we’re cute,
we don’t want to talk to you!
We’re bitchin’! Great hair!
(but) the boys go over there…[point to corner/back of stage]
It’s MDs we’ve got:
we’re everything you’re not.
Great shoes on our feetWe dominate this suite!
Who are we? Just guess—
Students: OB/Gyn residents!
It’s fake when they smile
We students think they’re vile.
Residents: We suture! We tie!
Deliver babies on the fly! (woo!)
Put gloves on my blingInsert a nuvaRing!
You hate us ‘cause we’re beautiful!
Students: [puzzled] We hate you cause you’re really cruel
Pause.
Residents: you hate us ‘cause we’re beautifulWell, we don’t like you either!
Sew! Vaginas! Sew, Sew Vaginas!
V-A-G-I-N-A-S
Other residents come in with bagels and coffee, etc.
wooooo!
SKIT: Magee is not a good place for male students
Residents settle down. One of the residents comes over to the group with a bag of bagels
and lots of cups of coffee and distributes them to all the residents but not the two
medical students.
Student 1: Oh, thanks so much for bringing in breakfast!
Delores: Sorry, Jamie likes to have two bagels every morning, and I like to have an extra
one just in case I get hungry later, so I don’t think we’re going to have any for
you.
Student 2: Is there extra coffee?
Delores: What do you think, we’re made of coffee?
Delores’s inhouse mobile phone rings with “who-oa- here-she-comes” tune from Hall
and Oats’ Maneater.
Delores: Hello, this is Dolores-uh huh, uh huh. OK.
Dolores [to Student1]: Hey you should go to Room #4, the patient is just starting to push,
she should be delivering in no time.
42
Student 1: Oh! I’m so excited- I’m going to finally help bring a life into the world!
Lights up on LDR suite, with nurses crowded around. Student1 goes over to it, nurses
there pushing, "all in bottom!" "add to it..." etc. Student1 walks to large clock
on other side of stage and advances it a few hours:
Student 1: [coaching along with rest of team] Push that baby out of your vagina!
Silence in the room and all the nurses pause and stare at student 1. Student1 goes back to
large clock, advances it a few hours. Then, resident comes in, all gowned and
gloved. Student1 is very excited at prospect of delivering
Student 1: What a beautiful moment! [Scene already crowded with residents and nurses.
Student gets hip checked out of the way by resident. Curtain down.]
Student1 walks away, dejected, to other side of stage, when Student2 walks over.
Student 2: Hey, did you get to deliver that baby?
Student 1: No. It was prolonged.
Student 2: The labor?
Student 1: No, the torture. What have you been up to?
Student 2: Oh, I just finished another lap.
Student 1: Cool- I haven't gotten to do any laparoscopic surgery yet.
Student 2: Nonononono. Laps around the labor suite. Did you know it's exactly 12,037
steps all the way around? I counted three times. I've walked 5 miles and haven't
seen a resident all day. All in all, it’s been my best day yet.
Student1: All right. Hey, what happened to Eric?
Student2: At the movies, I think.
Student1: Where’s Dan?
Student2: He's in the men’s room, taking a nap.
Student1: That is just not fair. [Pause] I have nowhere to hide! AAAAAGH! I guess
I'll start walking. 12,037 steps, huh?
[Students walk off. Curtain comes down, students walk back in front. Sign for the Men's
room.]
43
Student2: Well, see you later! I’m going to go hang out with Dan.
[Curtain raises, showing Men's room.]
44
SONG: Men’s Room
to “Downtown,” by Petula Clark
When you're a man,
OB's are making you crazy
You can always hide - men's room
When you've got worries,
spec exams make you blurry
You can always go - men's room
Just listen to the white noise of the ice cold running water
That drowns out all the sound of nurses shouting "push dahn
harder"
"What's on my shoes?"
XY is much stronger there
You can forget all your troubles, forget pubic hairs, so go
Men's Room, we'll watch TV in the
Men's Room - no trich or BV in the
Men's room - nobody's screaming at you.
(Men’s Room)
Don't you scrub in
just to get pimped on the layers
of the abdomen, men's room
Just close the fascia,
that's the question they'll ask ya
Then get on your way - men's room
Escape from all the estrogen that's pulsing in the OR
Where you don't have to hear about the latest in the
Star...Magazine
XY is much stronger there
You can forget all your troubles, forget the pap smear, so go
Men's Room, we'll watch TV in the
Men's Room - no trich or BV in the
Men's room - nobody's screaming at you.
(Men’s room, men’s room)
Men’s room
(Men’s room)
And you may find somebody kind to make it easy for you
But it won't be the OB's who are there to just ignore
you...speak if you dare
So maybe I'll see you there
We can forget all our troubles, forget rectal tears and go
Men's Room, we'll watch TV in the
Men's Room - no trich or BV in the
Men's room - nobody's screaming at you.
Men's room, men's room, men's room ...
When you're alone
And life is making you lonely,
You can always go downtown
When you've got worries,
All the noise and the hurry
Seems to help, I know, downtown
Just listen to the music of the traffic in the city
Linger on the sidewalk where the neon signs are pretty
How can you lose?
The lights are much brighter there
You can forget all your troubles, forget all your cares and go
Downtown, things'll be great when you're
Downtown, no finer place for sure,
Downtown, everything's waiting for you
(Downtown)
Don't hang around
And let your problems surround you
There are movie shows downtown
Maybe you know
Some little places to go to
Where they never close downtown
Just listen to the rhythm of a gentle bossanova
You'll be dancing with 'em, too, before the night is over
Happy again
The lights are much brighter there
You can forget all your troubles, forget all your cares and go
Downtown where all the lights are bright,
Downtown, waiting for you tonight,
Downtown, you're gonna be alright now
(Downtown downtown)
Downtown
(Downtown)
And you may find somebody kind to help and understand
you
Someone who is just like you and needs a gentle hand to
Guide them along
So, maybe I'll see you there
We can forget all our troubles, forget all our cares and go
Downtown, things'll be great when you're
Downtown, don't wait a minute more,
Downtown, everything's waiting for you
Downtown (downtown) downtown (downtown)
VIDEO: ?
SKIT: Medstudents: You can dress them up, but you can’t take them out
Restaurant, with table in the center with 3 male medical students. 3 small tables arrayed
around with couples dining at them.
M1: It’s so hard to meet people outside of medical school. I’m really glad John found
someone. What does she do again?
M2: Something about nurturing baby seals at the Pittsburgh Zoo. I think she also leads
her church choir on the weekends. I’ve heard a lot about her—I’m glad that we
finally are getting a chance to meet her.
45
M3: Man, I wish I could a girl like that.
M1: I wish I could find a girl.
John and date enter
M2: Hey John! Over here.
John: I’d like you all to meet Susan.
Three students stand up, shake hands, “Nice to meet you,” “Charmed” “We’ve heard a
lot about you,” “The pleasure is all mine” “Enchante,” All sit down.
Susan: This place looks great, I’ve never eaten at, “La Flanc Detonant”
M1: John, you won’t believe the patient I saw today; it was amazing!
Susan [leaning over]: John, I thought you said that we weren’t going to talk about
medicine tonight. You know I don’t understand it when you use medical words.
It’s like you’re all speaking…Greek or…Latin.
John: I know, I know. Let’s hear just one story.
M1: OK. So it’s a 49 year old G8P9-4-7-13…
M2: Wow! That’s rare.
M1: I know! Anyway, she came in with a past medical history of CHF, COPD, NIDDM,
ARF on CRF, HPV/HSV/HHV, HEP A-E, NPH, BPH, PVD, multiple TIAs,
MR/CP, SLE, MRSA, VRE, HELLP, and a touch of the boop…
MS3: Wait! Is this OK with HIPPA?
MS1: A-OK. So anyway, since the start of meds, it’s gone away.
MS2: So what’s her CC?
MS1: SOB x 3d. We’re thinking URI.
MS2: Oh my, URI?
Susan looking exasperated
John [looking at Susan]: Oh, sorry! He’s just saying there’s a sick lady with trouble
breathing.
46
MS1: Right. So the rest of the HPI, PMH, SH and ROS is negative—and I’m not even at
the PE, you can just imagine the DD…
Susan [pissed]: John, I need to step outside for a second. I’ll let you finish your story.
MS1: She seems great. Anyway, on physical exam: HEENT was normal; neck with mild
lymphadenopathy; chest: rales bilaterally; cardiovascular: grade 2/6 systolic
ejection murmur, abdomen soft, hyperactive bowel sounds with a papable pusatile
mass in the lower left quadrant…
ALL: Ohhhh…
John looks uncomfortable throughout the rest of the conversation.
MS1: Which leads us to the genitourinary exam. So we get her up in the stirrups
Table 1 calls waiter over.
MS1 [continuing]: On external examination, we immediately noticed multiple labial
pustules that, on palpation, burst and released a mixture of pus and blood. Now
I’ve seen ulcers before, but never on top of golfball-sized warts.
MS2: Golfball-sized warts?
MS3: Awesome.
Table 1 stares, is aghast.
MS1: Now the presence of fecal matter in the ulcers’ discharge is what led us to realize
there were multiple fistulas between the vagina and the rectum.
MS2: Of course!
MS3: This is a sweet case!
MS1: As we all know, the presence of fistulas necessitates a bidigital examination.
MS2: You didn’t get to do it, did you?
MS1: Oh yeah!
MS3: Lucky!
Waiter brings over food
47
MS1: As I inserted my finger into her rectum I noticed that she had excellent sphincter
tone. Stool was brown, but there was gross blood on my finger.
Table 2 starts gagging and vomiting. John looks over and is more uncomfortable.
MS2: This burger is delicious!
MS1: Anyway, as I was saying. With my one finger in her vagina and another finger in
her anus I realized that the pulsitile mass was definitely in the pouch of Douglas.
MS3: Oh, wow. That’s warrants an immediate trip to the OR, doesn’t it?
MS1: You betcha.
MS2: So, you went straight to surgery?
MS3: Hey, try my potatoes.
MS1: Yeah, but on the way the patient started to experience feculent emesis.
Table 2 gets up and leaves, much to the chagrin of the waiter
MS3: What’s that?
MS1: Oh, that’s when the fecal matter that’s in the intestine…. Oh wait – waiter could I
get some more A1 sauce?.... Sorry, where was I? Right- feculent emesis.
Imagine diarrhea -- now imagine diarrhea pouring out of your mouth.
MS2: Amazing.
Waiter runs over to table 3 with bucket- they are vomiting.
MS1: Tell me about it. So we get to the OR, and the surgeon opens the abdomen and
immediately hits the aortic aneurysm with the bovie. And the blood is just
spruting all over the OR. It’s hitting the ceiling, and squirting right in the scrub
nurse’s face….
Susan reenters and walks up to the table.
MS1: …and that’s when her uterus exploded!
Susan runs out of restaurant.
John: And you guys wonder why we can’t get laid.
48
SKIT: Pediatrics
In front of curtain with Harry, Ron, Germione.
Germ: Oh, there’s the nurse of one of my patients, let me just ask how my patient is.
Nurse enters stage wearing bright scrubs, walks right by med students.
Germ: Good morning. Could you tell me what happened with Baby Amanda last night?
Nurse: Nothing.
Germ: Nothing? Are you sure?
Nurse: Nothing.
Germ: Nothing? Did she eat?
Nurse: Yeah, but she spit it right up again. I guess she had trouble because of her fever.
Germ: Fever?
Nurse: She spiked a 106 degree temperature at 2am. We thought we were going to have
to send her to the ICU, but the fever broke. That was before the rash.
Germ: Rash?
Nurse: She had a full body rash, orange, then green, then striped. But it went away.
Germ: So when you say nothing happened you meant...
Nurse: Nothing that I wanted to tell you.
Germ: Right. Thanks. OK – I’ll check on her in a few minutes.
Nurse: You had BETTER not wake her up. I just got her to sleep five minutes ago.
[nurse walks off across stage] And you [pointing at Ron] move that ID up to your
white coat and change out of those fun socks. Don’t make me report you.
Germ: ahHarry: She didn’t like my socks either.
Ron: Whatever. I love peds! I just met Mario Lemieux, made out with a great dane, and
played Nintendo for two hours!. The only problem is that those kids on the
heme/onc floor are kicking my ass at Mario Kart…and then I was scolded by the
49
woman with the big head and black hair for having a progress note that was only
5 pages long.
Harry: Yeah, it’s pretty much impossible to impress the DRG.
Germ: What’s that?
Ron: You know, the hospitalist group, the DRG.
Pediatrician walks in whimsically.
Pesto: Harry Potter, is that you?
Harry: No, I’m Harry Prodder.
Pesto: That’s what I said. It’s so good to see you. My name is Pesto Fusilli. I haven’t
seen you since you were a baby. I saved your life, you know. And you appear on
page 40 of my best-selling atlas, under, “unusual birth marks, curse-related.” I’m
so glad to see you doing well…[pause] and in medical school too! It’s wonderful
that you came back; we’re counting on you.
Harry: Counting on me?
Pesto: It’s rumored that you’re the only one with the power to defeat Vulvawart and the
Anus Equini.
Harry: [aside] Yeah, I’ve heard that line before. [aside, to audience] Let’s hope those
fourth years get it together- we’re halfway through the second act!. But how?
What can I do?
Pesto: Rumors are that the Anus Equini are going to elect a new head anus equinus in
order to make Vulvawart all the stronger.
Harry: But how can I stop them?
Pesto: You must find them and expose their identities. You’ll figure it out. Who’s a big
girl? [He pinches Harry’s cheeks and walks away].
Ron: Anyone else hungry? Let’s go get a milkshake.
Harry: How can you think about a milkshake at a time like this? How are we ever
going to figure this out? I’m so confused! [interrupted as music therapist walks
in with guitar].
MT: Hello special people. I just finished a sing-along with the kids. I think singing
makes everyone smile. It even helps shut up complainers!!
50
MT starts singing to the tune of Old MacDonald:
McIntire on the prowl, DRG Oh no!
And in your notes there were some errors, DRG they know!
With a critique here and a critique there
It looks bleak, you are weak, everywhere a critique
McIntire with her scowl, DRG Oh no!
Ackermann on the floor, DRG Oh no!
Song interrupted by Germione.
Germ: Stop singing!
MT: Screw you! Damn complainer… [walks off the stage, strumming and muttering.]
Germ: I can’t take any more singing. I feel like the singing has been going on forever.
Ron: Don’t forget the acting and dancing. It must be almost over!
Harry: I hope so. But you heard Dr. Fusilli. Vulvawart and his Anus Equini are on the
rise once again, and we have to stop them!
H,R,G run off stage
Ron: [as they are running off stage] Can we at least stop at the Pop Stop for that
milkshake on the way?
SKIT: 7-Letter Word for Surgeon? A-----E
Scene is an OR with table, attending, resident, scrub nurse, patient, drape, IV poles and
anesthesiologist. Anesthesiologist is behind the drape. Two students are
scrubbed in, watching the case.
Student 1: Dude, this is cool.
Student 2: Yeah, but I can’t see anything from here. I don’t know why I bothered
scrubbing in at all. Hell, I don’t even know if I washed my hands long enough.
Student 1: How long did you wash them for?
Student 2: 10 seconds longer than the attending?
Attending: Anesthesia!
Anesthesiologist: [doing a crossword puzzle – pops head up from behind the curtain]
Yes?
51
Attending: Why is the patient turning blue?
Anesthesiologist: Oh – guess I had the O2 a little low. Good call. By the way, do you
know a six-letter word for “Colombian export”?
Attending: [very brief pause] “COFFEE?”
Anesthesiologist: Ooh – good idea. It’s almost time for me to get some more! [Sits back
down].
Attending: [Sigh] Med student, come over here.
Student 1 walks over accidentally coming close to an IV pole
Scrub nurse: You touched the IV pole. Scrub out.
Student 1: But I didn’t touch it.
Scrub nurse: You looked at it! OUT!
A replacement anesthesiologist comes in the room
Anesthesiologist: I’m gonna take a break now. I have to go lecture to the med students
about money management.
Attending: [Sigh] OK, other med student, come over here [pause] carefully. I hope you
read up on this procedure.
Med student 2 approaches the table. Pimp Me Baby music starts.
52
SONG: Pimp Me Baby
“(Hit me Baby) One More Time,” by Britney Spears
Oh doctor, doctor
How am I supposed to know
The answer to your question
Oh doctor, doctor
Why don’t you just let it go?
When I don’t know the answer
Tell me what chapter I SHOULD read
For me TO make a much better IMPression (on you)
Oh baby, baby
How was I supposed to know
That something wasn't right here
Oh baby, baby
I shouldn't have let you go
And now you're out of sight, yeah
Show me how want it to be
Tell me baby 'cause I need to know now, oh because
My ignorance is killin’ me
And I
I must confess I didn’t read (didn’t read)
When I went home last night, I relaxed
and watched TV
Don’t pimp me baby one more time
My loneliness is killing me
And I
I must confess I still believe
When I'm not with you I lose my mind
Give me a sign
Hit me baby one more time
Look in my pockets
There’s so many tiny books
To help me make decisions
Sanford, TarAscon, Maxwell, and Epocrates
All are new editions
Help me, my pharmacoPEIA
Tell me SOMEthing cuz I need to know now uh because
Oh baby, baby
The reason I breathe is you
Boy you got me blinded
Oh pretty baby
There's nothing that I wouldn't do
It's not the way I planned it
Show me how you want it to be
Tell me baby 'cause I need to know now, oh because
My ignorance is killin’ me
And I
I must confess I didn’t read (didn’t read)
When I went home last night, I relaxed
and watched TV
Don’t pimp me baby one more time
My loneliness is killing me
And I
I must confess I still believe
When I'm not with you I lose my mind
Give me a sign
Hit me baby one more time
Attending: What are you doing? There’s no Britney Spears in my OR. Scrub nurse- my
guitar. Now listen to me...
53
SONG: Stand
“Stand,” by REM
Stand in the place you can’t see
Now move back
Think about retraction
Wonder why we let you scrub in (now)
Stand there and don’t touch a thing
Go rescrub
Think about your family
Wonder when you’ll see them again
Stand in the place where you live
Now face North
Think about direction
Wonder why you haven't before
Now stand in the place where you work
Now face West
Think about the place where you live
Wonder why you haven't before
If you are confused don’t ask a question
Never a scrub nurse to help you along
It’s 4 – am – here to preround
Then stand 10 hours in gloves and a gown
If you are confused check with the sun
Carry a compass to help you along
Your feet are going to be on the ground
Your head is there to move you around
Stand in the place you can’t pee
Hold it in
Think about retention
Wonder why you had that coffee (now)
Stand there as your kidneys fail
No straight cath
Think about the size of your bladder
Wonder what it takes to explode
Stand in the place where you live
Now face North
Think about direction
Wonder why you haven't before
Now stand in the place where you work
Now face West
Think about the place where you live
Wonder why you haven't before
Your feet are going to be oh so numb
By noon you’ll beg for even a crumb
Stop moving the camera, I am not seeing
Put in the foley, patient’s not peeing
Your feet are going to be on the ground
Your head is there to move you around
If wishes were trees the trees would be falling
Listen to reason, season is calling
Stand there and make like a tree
Don’t cut there
Think about the closing
Wonder if we’ll let you suture (now)
Stand there and don’t talk to me
I hate you
Think about the place where you sleep
Wonder when you get there again
Stand in the place where you live
Now face North
Think about direction
Wonder why you haven't before
Now stand in the place where you work
Now face West
Think about the place where you live
Wonder why you haven't before
Contaminate the field, patient gets sepsis
Pull out the NG
Patient’s got flatus
Your feet are going to be oh so numb
By ten you’ll kill for even a crumb
If wishes were trees the trees would be falling
Listen to reason
Reason is calling
Your feet are going to be on the ground
Your head is there to move you around
So stand (stand)
Hermes light
Think about retraction it is why we let you scrub in
Now stand (stand)
Bovie on
Think about the pimping that you’ll get
Wonder if you can answer right
So Stand (stand)
Now face North
Think about direction, wonder why you haven't before
Now stand (stand)
Now face West
Think about the place where you live
Wonder why you haven't
Stand, you know much less than me
Go study
Think about stupid you are
Wonder how you got in med school
Stand what’s the layer I’m in?
You’re so wrong
Think about the grade I will give
Wonder why it will be so low
Stand in the place where you live
Now face North
Think about direction
Wonder why you haven't before
Now stand in the place where you work
Now face West
Think about the place where you live
Wonder why you haven't before
Stand in the place you can’t see (Cut right here)
Stand in the place you can’t pee (Pull on this)
It’s 4 am here to preround
Then stand 10 hours in gloves and a gown, so stand.
Stand in the place where you are (Now face North)
Stand in the place where you are (Now face West)
Your feet are going to be on the ground (Stand in the place
where you are)
Your head is there to move you around, so stand.
54
SKIT: Family Medicine
Someone in sweater vest and pipe walks on stage in front of curtain.
Narrator: We were going to do a Family Medicine skit, but we thought it would be
redundant after the medicine, pediatrics, and OB skits.
Sweater vest walks off of stage.
SKIT: The VA
In front of curtain
Harry: You know, I just feel like this isn’t worth all the effort. I thought that once we
got done with our first two years we would finally be able to help people. But all
I know is that I’m made to feel totally stupid and useless…
Ron: Don’t think that, Harry. I mean, what we are doing now might really suck, but
think about all the people we’ll help in the long run with the great educations
we’re getting.
Harry: How do you know that’s true? I mean, what if that’s Vulvawart’s plan? To
bump the school ranking based upon “NIH money” as an excuse to charge us
exorbitant amounts of tuition, while claiming that the teaching is top notch, when
this clearly isn’t the case. I thought that things here would be “patient-centered”
but everything feels like it’s centered on the egos of the doctors.
Dr. McNeilagall walks in.
Dr. McNeilagall: [brightly] Hi, kids. Harry, what’s the problem?
Harry: I just… I just feel as though this medicine thing may not have been the right
decision. I came here to help people, not just to help myself.
Dr. McNeilagall: Ah, so it seems as though you’ve spent a bit too much time at UPMC.
It can be tough down there, and I think folks lose a little bit of perspective. But
there is a place where everything comes together. Where the computers make
sense, where the patients say,“Thank you,” and where the attendings teach
enthusiastically.
Harry: It sounds like heaven!
Dr. McNeilagall: No, Harry- [big pause, curtain opens, harp?] it’s the VA.
Harry: Wow, I had no idea! But how did we get here?
55
Dr. McNeilagall: Never you mind; it’s impossible to drive here anyway. Kids, let me
introduce you to Mr. O’Crotchety. He’s been in the hospital for quite some time.
Ron: Oh- my lord, his sats are at 87%! You [points at Harry] call a code! You [to
Germ] get the cart! You [to Dr. M] turn up the O2, make sure the lines are
connected! Who’s my med nurse?! You [to other vet] start an IV, and let me see
it run!!
Dr. McNeilagall: I see that Rogers may have taught you something. It’s okay, Ron, you
can calm down. Mr. O, how are you feeling?
Mr. O: Fine and dandy, Peaches.
Dr. McNeilagall: Mr. O, heck of a basketball game Pitt played last night, don’t ya
think?
Mr. O: You know they’ll lose early in the tourney. Krauser’s as old as I am.
Dr. McNeilagall: [turning back to H,R,G] I’ll let you guys talk to him for awhile. And
don’t forget to focus on the important questions.
Ron: Service history and sexual branch?
Dr. McNeilagall: Close enough.
Harry: Dr. McNeilagall, you’re so friendly. Can I ask you something that’s been
bothering me?
Ron: How many sexual partners have you had during your lifetime?
Harry: Ron! That’s not it! [recomposes himself] There seem to be some bad things
going on down the hill. Have you noticed anything?
Dr. McNeilagall: I have noticed something. I’m concerned- it reminds me of the time
when Vulvawart was around before…Oh, no- I’m late for a meeting. See you
guys! [pause; more brightly] Great job, Ron!
Harry: Well, hello, Mr. O’Crotchedy. I see from your chart that you’ve been here for a
while…
Mr. O: Well, my family went on summer vacation and dropped me off so I could be
admitted for observation. They must be having one hell of a vacation- that was
six months ago.
Germ: Oh, that’s horrible!
56
Mr. O: No, no, no, it’s great here! Listen, I have the History Channel AND ESPN
Classic, so I’ve thought of lots of new reasons that everything was better in the
past. If you’ll excuse me, it’s time for a smoke.
[Lights up cigarette]
Ron: Um, no offense, Mr. O, but there’s no smoking in the hospital and you’ve got an
oxygen tank!
Mr. O: Let me tell you something, kid. The year was 1940, the place was Belgium. I
had parachuted in but had lost the rest of my company. I had bones sticking out
of my leg, was behind enemy lines, and had no means of escape. 200 dead
Germans, 10 French prostitutes, and 3 bouts of the clap later, and I was saved.
And you want to tell me I can’t smoke?
Ron: Um, still, I’m not so sure…
Mr. O: Ever had the clap? It’s not pretty. Hey, Don, it’s 1300 hours. Swim team
should be coming back to the dorms.
Patient lying behind Mr. O gets out of bed very slowly and goes to the window.
Mr. O: Don there likes Pam. That’s why he’s moving so quickly today.
Germ: How do you know her name is Pam?
Don: Her name IS Pam!
Mr. O: Anyways, we like yinz students. You’ll sit tight for all our war stories.
Ron: uh, so…what branch of the sex were you in?
Harry and Germ: [elbow Ron]
Mr. O: It’s all right. How about you push me down to Hero’s Hall? I’ll tell you more
about it…while we play bingo! You see, we at the VA understand your role.
Maybe it’s because we’ve all been up here for so long. You come in and examine
us thoroughly[salaciously elbows Germ] and give us a treatment plan. At the
same time you have to understand that we may enjoy a smoke or a Whopper. It’s
a give and take for everyone. But in the end, I think we all benefit from having
one another. I enjoy your company.
He leaves in wheelchair followed by Germ and Harry.
SONG: At the VA
“Yesterday,” by the Beatles
Duet between medical students and vets with ballet-like, choreographed wheel chair dance.
57
The VA,
All of Oakland is so far away
Looks like all the vets are here to stay
Oh, medicine at the VA
Yesterday,
All my troubles seemed so far away,
Now it looks as though they're here to stay,
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Diabetes,
I just can’t believe your A1C
Dialyze the vets who cannot pee
Trust the VA with your Kidney
Suddenly,
I'm not half the man I used to be,
There's a shadow hanging over me,
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.
D…T…’s
Korsakoff from what was Wernecke’s
I drank,
A case a day, then I stopped, oh woe is me
Why she
Had to go I don't know, she wouldn't say.
I said,
Something wrong, now I long for yesterday.
At the VA,
All the gangrene spreads so easily
We must amputate below the knee
There’s half the limbs there used to be
Yesterday,
Love was such an easy game to play,
Now I need a place to hide away,
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Why I
Cannot breathe I don’t know, can you tell me
You smoke
4 packs a day, oh your lungs -- COPD
Why she
Had to go I don't know, she wouldn't say.
I said,
Something wrong, now I long for yesterday.
The VA
Type in my progress notes every day
Eat Burger King, they make it my way
Oh, I want to stay at the VA
Yesterday,
Love was such an easy game to play,
Now I need a place to hide away,
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm
Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm
SKIT: Psych Case Presentation of Mr. C.
Students and psychiatrist in front of curtain.
Psy: Welcome to Western Psychiatric Institute and Clinic- or, as everyone calls it, WPIC.
Since this is the first day of your psych rotation, I think we better go over some
important points.
M1: Sounds good to me. It’d be helpful to go over the axes. I’m not sure I really
understand them.
Ron: Me neither.
Psy: All right. Let me tell you about one of our patients to illustrate 5 axes of psychiatric
diagnoses. This is one of our VIP patients. As you may know, WPIC is one of
the nation’s preeminent psychiatric institutions, so we get patients from all over!
This one’s from Washington, DC. He was involuntary committed because he
was dangerous to others.
Let’s start at the beginning, Axis 1 includes the clinical psychiatric disorders. Though
we’re not yet sure what this patient’s specific diagnosis is, he has been showing
psychotic symptoms. For one, he is profoundly paranoid.
M1: Paranoid?
58
Psy: For some reason, since admission, he has been requesting to be moved to an
undisclosed hospital room. In addition, he’s showing the classic symptoms of
delusions of grandeur.
Ron: What are those?
Psy: Let’s just say that he has let me know on multiple occasions that he is the most
powerful man in the world. On top of this, he is having strange hallucinations.
M1: What kind? Auditory? Tactile?
Ron: Olfactory? Visual?
Psy: Oh these hallucinations are visual. Visual and avian.
M1: Avian like birds?
Psy: Kind of. How should I say this … he is perceiving people as game birds.
Dr. D: [from audience and in profoundly European accent] Wait wait wait. Excuse me,
as a stereotypical psychiatrist in the audience, I believe you to be
mischaracterizing this illusion as a hallucination.
Surgeon: [from audience and wearing scrubs] You know that’s the problem with these
psychiatrists. It doesn’t matter if it’s a hallucination or an illusion. He’s just
crazy!
Psy: Let’s refocus. Axis 2 are the personality disorders. This man has a laundry list of
problems, most prominently an antisocial disorder that is characterized by a deepseated hatred for humanity.
Ron: What do you mean by that?
Psy: He is a true misanthrope. He hates everyone. Moving right along. Axis 3 consists
of a patient’s general medical problems, which we as psychiatrists don’t really
care about, though for the sake of completeness, he has a serious heart condition.
In fact, we’re wondering why he hasn’t died yet. Let’s not waste our time on
those issues. Axis 4 is comprised by a patient’s social stressors. This patient’s
stressors include working for a boss with an even longer list of personality
disorders as well as mild mental retardation.
M1: Hmmmm.
Psy: Finally, there is Axis 5: this is how we add scientific objectivity to psychiatric
diagnosis. This is the number on which we base our treatment plans, and as such,
59
it is critical for deciding whether the patient needs to be hospitalized. It’s one of
the most important assessments in psychiatry.
Ron: Wow. What number would you assign to this patient?
Psy: I left my 10-sided die at home, so [psy points at student1] pick a number one to
one-hundred.
M1: Um, 17?
Psy: Sounds good. Let’s go talk to our patient. [curtains up]
VP: Here come 3 big ones now. [flashes a broom handle at the three coming in.]
Psy: It looks like this patient might need some time here. Let’s come back later. Ohbut wait- I almost forgot Axis 6- singing and dancing! [music starts]
60
SONG: WPIC
“Whip It,” by Devo
Inpatient psych
Under lock and key
Want to get out?
Just be nice to me…
Crack that whip
Give the past the slip
Step on a crack
Break your momma’s back
Hear voices in your head,
Go to WPIC
It says your roommate should be dead,
Come to WPIC
We’ve got the proper med,
Here at WPIC
When a problem comes along
You must whip it
Before the cream sits out too long
You must whip it
When something’s going wrong
You must whip it
Now WPIC
Sleep on the street
Get 302ed
To the DEC
Try Haldol
Get straight
Stay on your meds
Or you’ll be back
To WPIC
Oakland PA!
Now whip it
Into shape
Shape it up
Get straight
Go forward
Move ahead
Try to detect it
It’s not too late
To whip it
Whip it good
We take ‘em young and old,
Here at WPIC
Don’t make me call a code,
Here at WPIC
There are no real docs
Who work at WPIC
When a good time turns around
You must whip it
You will never live it down
Unless you whip it
No one gets away
Until they whip it
I say WPIC
WPIC’s good
Unless you’re crazy
Then you’re screwed.
I say whip it
Whip it good
I say whip it
Whip it good
I can’t tell
Who needs counseling more
The inpatients
Or the resident doctors.
Tardive dyskinesia,
Just blame WPIC
DI from lithium,
Thanks to WPIC
I’m worse than when I came,
‘Cause of WPIC
Crack that whip
Give the past the slip
Step on a crack
Break your momma’s back
When a problem comes along
You must whip it
Before the cream sits out too long
You must whip it
When something’s going wrong
You must whip it
Now WPIC,
The M-S-E
D-S-M-4
And E-C-T
All these treatments
Still they’re whacked
How ‘bout this…
Just take a nap
So you’re Christ.
Where’s your ID?
I’m the devil?
I see I see.
Talking to Elvis?
That’s fine with me.
If I’m OK,
Then you’re OK
At WPIC
Oakland PA!
Now whip it
Into shape
Shape it up
Get straight
Go forward
Move ahead
Try to detect it
It’s not too late
To whip it
Into shape
Shape it up
Get straight
Go forward
Move ahead
Try to detect it
It’s not too late
To whip it
Whip it good
61
SKIT: Raiders of Student Affairs
Harry, Ron, and Germione standing in front of curtain..
Ron: Hey, Harry- what’s up?
Harry:
I need to go to Student Affairs to change my senior schedule and I thought that
it would be easier to talk to Mrs. Harlow in person.
Germ: Oh, yeah. I have to go see Yvonne too.
Ron: Me too! Yvonne has been sending me a lot of email about some problem with the
registration for one of my electives… It’ll probably just take a minute to clear up.
3 of them walk in – 3 desks are arranged in a phalanx on the stage – at 1st are Mary Pat
and Donna, at the 2nd is Joanne, and at the 3rd is Yvonne
Skeletons are arrayed about the stage in various poses of failed attempts to do stuff at
student affairs—skeletons in white coats. Student crawling out, exhausted,
whimpering, “Oh, the horror!”
The 3 students approach 1st desk.
MC: Hiiiiii!
Harry: Hi, Merry Chat, we’ve got to go see Mrs. Harlow.
MC: I’m not sure if Yvonne is back there [looking back and clearly seeing Yvonne,
Yvonne gives a thumbs down]. But first, have you guys got your dental insurance
taken care of?
Ron: Ummm…. I don’t know….
MC: Well, you better make sure. Have you guys measured your head sizes… you want
your graduation caps to fit, don’t you?
Germ: I’m pretty sure I filled out that form…
Donna: What have you guys been doing? Did you guys see the Steelers game?
Harry: What?
MC: Are your immunizations up to date?
Donna: Did you get a star off the angel tree? It’s for the kids!?
62
Harry: Huh?
Germ: Angel tree, what?
Donna: Do you guys want some food? There’s some two day old egg salad over there.
[Points.]
MC: Have you filled out your graduation application, you’ll need that. Do you want a flu
shot, we have the nasal spray but today’s the last day. Unless you come in
tomorrow…
Ron: We’re never going to make it to Ms. Harlow!
Germ: [turns to other two] It is a far, far better thing that I do than I have ever done. It is
a far far better rest that I go to than I have ever known.
Harry: We will not soon forget your sacrifice.
Ron: Will we ever see you again?
Germ: [shhh…touches his lips. Pause, then swooning, to MP] Merry Chat, I have a
problem with my pager..
MC: Pager! I do pagers!
Ron and Harry make their way toward Joanne’s desk but are interrupted by Dean Marley
DM: Hi, Tom, Hi, Larry.
Ron: It’s Ron, Dean Marley.
DM: Yes, of course it is. [stares blankly]. So how’s residency?
Ron: Residency? I’m a 4th year medical student.
DM: Of course you are. How exciting internship can be!
Ron: [pointing to Harlow] Actually, I was hoping to talk to Mrs. Harlow about doing an
away rotation.
DM: I’m glad you came to talk to me about that. What would you like to do?
Ron: Well, I really want to travel. I’ve always wanted to practice medicine in a thirdworld country, like somewhere in Africa…or Cleveland.
63
DM: I think we have exactly what you’re looking for. There are some wonderful
research opportunities here in Pittsburgh!
Ron: But, Dean Marley, I’m not really interested in research.
DM: Don, of course you’re interested in research. You wouldn’t be here otherwise!
[another blank stare]
Ron: But I really wanted to travel?
DM: Where do you want to go?
Ron: [annoyed] I just said, some godforsaken place like Ohio!
DM: I can’t say that I have any information for you. This office doesn’t really do that
kind of thing. Well, I’ll tell you what. I’ll put you down for a pathology research
month, and if you come up with anything, you’ll have to let me know. It’s been a
pleasure seeing you again, Enrique.
DM: [talking to skeletons] Hi, how are you? How’s that research project?
DM goes away and pokes at the egg salad.
DM: Bean dip! I love bean dip. Check it out, Maurice. It looks fresh!
Trippin’ is obviously not in the scene.
Ron: Where’s Mo’?
Harry: Yeah, where is Dr. Trippin’? I haven’t seen him in a while.
Ron and Harry walk over to the 2nd desk, where Joanne is typing non-stop.
Joanne: Guys, if you’re here to talk about recommendations, I can’t get to that right now.
I only scan on Tuesdays and Thursdays, unless it precedes a Friday.
Ron: Um, no, we’re…
Joanne: And if you’re here about the make-up picture day you’ll need to schedule that
yourself. You really should have tried to make it on the first day, or been more
photogenic in the first place.
Harry: No, we just want to [pointing to Yvonne’s desk]
Joanne: You’re going to need to give these forms to your recommenders, sign the
bottom, that’s important. Remember, I don’t take anything through the campus
64
mail… It’s just not trustworthy. It’s only US Mail for me. That or carrier
pigeon!
Ron: No, really, it’s notJoanne: You’ll both need my card. I’ll give you two each just to be sure.
Ron: [to Harry] Go on, Harry- you’re our only hope! Godspeed! [falls on table,
pushing Harry onward]
Harry: Bless you, Ron Wheezy.
Ron: [to Joanne] How many pictures will I need for my residency interviews?
Joanne: Ohhh! Good question, at least 50. Let me explain….
Harry goes to Yvonne’s desk. She picks up the phone and starts talking, obviously to no
one. Yvonne looks at Harry, pushes button. Anvil falls from ceiling, widely
missing Harry. Yvonne sighs and puts down the phone.
Yvonne: What?
Harry: I need to change my….
Yvonne: Did you try the Zone?
Harry: Wait! You don’t even know what I need.
Yvonne: The Zone does everything.
Harry: No, I don’t think…
Yvonne: The Zone is infallible. Did you read the email I sent 5 minutes ago?
Harry: um, no….
Yvonne: [harrumph] How about the email 5 minutes before that?
Harry: No, really, I just need to change my senior schedule a little bit.
Yvonne: [sweetly] Oh! Why didn’t you say so! [pause, serious again] I only do that
over email.
Harry: But I thought it would be easier…
Yvonne: I’ll tell you what’s easier.
65
Harry: Maybe I could just tell you- there’s an open spot inYvonne: Email me.
Harry: Or I could write it down?
Yvonne: Email me.
Harry: BuYvonne: Email.
Harry: [long pause] Can I use your computer?
Yvonne stares at Harry.
Suzanne, dressed as good witch with magic wand, descends in and takes Harry by the
arm.
Harry: Suzanne Sideburnsley! The nicest person in the entire administration!
Suzanne: Harry, let me help you. I’ll just take care of everything. [Touches piece of
paper on desk, hands it to Harry.] Here’s your new schedule just as you wanted
it.
Suzanne collects Ron and Germione, slumped over. Suzanne bops one with wand, and
they awaken..
Suzanne: I don’t know what’s been going on in the office recently. Everything is just so
much more inefficient that usual. And what’s with these new black scrubs? It’s
like there’s some evil influence or something. It doesn’t make me sad though.
[pause] Nothing makes me sad.
Ron: Vaginasore!
Harry: You’re right, Ron. Vulvawart seems to have infected the women of Student
Affairs.
Germ: It’s so close to graduation. We’d better figure this out before it gets much
worse.
66
SONG: Y-vonne Harlow
“Ice, Ice, Baby,” by Vanilla Ice
Yo OSA let’s kick it
Yo, vip, let’s kick it!
Y-vonne Harlow (x2)
All right, stop, come in and wait, and listen
Scrubs are black, that’s the brand new convention
Log on, your inbox is unsightly
Because of their emails daily and nightly
Will they ever help yo I don’t know
Don’t even ask, cuz they’re slow
To the extreme they push papers with a vengeance
Stir up a rage and watch it fall like attendance
If you rush to the office you are doomed
They’re slowin’ you down but you’re closer to the back room
Deadly when all you need is a remedy
Anything less than their best is a travesty
Love Pitt or leave Pitt you prepare to wait
You better e-mail cuz Yvonne don’t play
If there is a problem, they can’t solve it
Check out the zone while Dean Marley devolves it
Ice ice baby, ice ice baby
All right stop, collaborate and listen
Ice is back with my brand new invention
Something grabs a hold of me tightly
Then I flow like a harpoon daily and nightly
Will it ever stop? yo -- I don’t know
Turn off the lights and I’ll glow
To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal
Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle.
Dance, bum rush the speaker that booms
I’m killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom
Deadly, when I play a dope melody
Anything less than the best is a felony
Love it or leave it, you better gain way
You better hit bull’s eye, the kid don’t play
If there was a problem, yo, I’ll solve it
Check out the hook while my dj revolves it
Y-vonne Harlow, It’s Mrs. (x4)
Ice ice baby vanilla, ice ice baby vanilla (x2)
Now that your heart is thumping
With the zone kicked in and the emails are pumpin’
Slow to the point and my mind is achin’
Forms to fill out and my pen is breakin’
Burning you, they ain't quick and nimble
Ask them for help and you take a gamble
Women working at a leisurely tempo
I really do wish I could do this solo
Chatting - with Donna in the front
Takes lots of time; decelerates the flow
Mary Pat on standby waiting just to re-mind
Your tetanus shot is tardy, and why?
Kept on pursuing Ms. Harlow
Got to the back room but I heard her yell “oh no”
Back room’s off limits
Yo but I remained at M-218 Mezzanine Level
I got mad cuz I wasn’t making progress
These ladies only adding to my high stress
Thwarted from my all-important task
Speed it up, it’s the only thing I ask!
Please revise my schedule is all...
I’m asking for, but I’m up against a brick wall
Rejection rang out like a bell
I grabbed my whitecoat and ran like hell
Out the door of the OSA
Thinkin’ to myself “man, this was such a bad day”
Bumper to bumper the escalator’s packed
I’m heading home and I trip on a crack
Levine on the scene you know what I mean
Passed me in the street but didn’t recognize me
If there was a problem yo they can’t solve it
Check out the Zone while Dean Marley devolves it
Now that the party is jumping
With the bass kicked in, the vegas are pumpin’
Quick to the point, to the point no faking
I’m cooking mcs like a pound of bacon
Burning them if they’re not quick and nimble
I go crazy when I hear a cymbal
And a hi hat with a souped up tempo
I’m on a roll and it’s time to go solo
Rollin’ in my 5.0
With my ragtop down so my hair can blow
The girlies on standby, waving just to say hi
Did you stop? no -- I just drove by
Kept on pursuing to the next stop
I busted a left and I’m heading to the next block
That block was dead
Yo -- so I continued to a1a beachfront ave.
Girls were hot wearing less than bikinis
Rockman lovers driving lamborghinis
Jealous ’cause I’m out geting mine
Shay with a gauge and vanilla with a nine
Reading for the chumps on the wall
The chumps acting ill because they’re so full of eight balls
Gunshots ranged out like a bell
I grabbed my nine -- all I heard were shells
Falling on the concrete real fast
Jumped in my car, slammed on the gas
Bumper to bumper the avenue’s packed
I’m trying to get away before the jackers jack
Police on the scene, you know what I mean
They passed me up, confronted all the dope fiends
If there was a problem, you, I’ll solve it
Check out the hook while my dj revolves it
Y-vonne Harlow, It’s Mrs. Y-vonne Harlow (oh-oh),
It’s Mrs. Y-vonne Harlow,
It’s Mrs. Y-vonne Harlow,
It’s Mrs. Ice
Yo man let’s get out of here
Word to Dean Marley
Y-vonne Harlow, too cold
Y-vonne Harlow, too cold too cold (x2)
Y-vonne Harlow
Word to your mother
Ice ice baby vanilla, ice ice baby vanilla
Ice ice baby vanilla, ice ice baby vanilla
Ice ice baby vanilla, ice ice baby vanilla
Ice ice baby vanilla, ice ice baby vanilla
Yo man -- let’s get out of here!
Word to your mother!
Ice ice baby too cold, ice ice baby too cold too cold
Ice ice baby too cold too cold, ice ice baby too cold too cold
67
VIDEO: Let’s make a Step2 CS Deal.
SKIT: Anus Equinus Society revealed
Germ, Ron, and Harry in front of curtain, talking after getting back form interviews.
Narrator: A few months passed as Harry, Ron, Germione, and their classmates applied
to residency programs and traveled to interviews.
Harry: Ron, you’re pretty quiet today. Something wrong?
Ron: I scored the interview that I really wanted at University of Mydreams. I don’t
think it went very well, though.
Harry: During my interviews they asked me some strange questions.
Germ: You too? Columbia wanted to know how my cruel experimentation on baby
seals was progressing.
Harry: Everywhere I’ve been, they wanted to know about my time in prison!
Ron: That’s not as bad as them accusing me of being part of PittMed 2007.
Harry and Germ go, “ouch!”/oooh….Judy Schantz walks in.
Schantz: Psssst…. Hey guys, I think there’s something over here that you should see.
Minimal reprise of Judy Shantz song, SCHANTZ singers walk out with “we heart Judy”
signs, etc.. JS leads students to Conference Room with sign on door reading
“Curriculum committee”. JS rips sign away to reveal to sign saying “Anus
Equinus meeting”. JS winks and leaves.
SONG: Judy Schantz Reprise
“Safety Dance,” by Men Without Hats
Judy Schantz, she’s a faker
Her heart is not made of brass
But she likes to pretend
So the whining will all end
Cause the first-years are a pain in the ass
We can dance if we want to,
we got all your life to find
As long as we have music,
never gonna lose it
Everything will work out right
Judy Schantz, you will find out
That deep down she’s really nice
In your third and fourth years
She’ll be lending you her ears
Giving out high fives and good advice
We can dance if we want to,
we can leave your friends behind
'Cos your friends don't dance,
and if they don't dance
Well they're no friends of mine
Judy Schantz, Judy Schantz, everything is under control
Judy Schantz, Judy Schantz, you think she lacks a soul
Judy Schantz, Judy Schantz, handing out the syllabi
Judy Schantz, Judy Schantz, without her the school would die
Judy Schantz,
Whoa, Judy Schantz, yeah, Judy Schantz,
Judy Schantz, Judy Schantz,
Oh Judy Schantz, Judy Schantz
We can dance, we can dance, everything is under control
We can dance, we can dance, doing it from pole to pole
We can dance, we can dance, everybody look at your hands
We can dance, we can dance, everybody's taking the chance
Safety dance
Oh, safety dance, yeah, safety dance
Safety dance, safety dance
Oh, safety dance, safety dance
68
Germ: Oh my!!! It’s their secret meeting!
Ron: Who?
Germ: It’s the Anus Equinii meeting Ron! These are the people who have been working
to ruin our medical school.
Harry: Ron, seriously, I think you haven’t been paying attention. It’s what we’ve been
talking about for the last three hours and 17 minutes. I think everyone else
understands this perfectly well. [Looks at audience knowingly]
Germ: We should hide!
Ron: The AV closet! It’s big enough to hold VCR’s from the 70’s, we can totally fit.
Harry: Wow, Ron- that’s actually a good idea.
Open closet to find Dr. Trippin in tied up and ball gagged. Students take off his gag. He
has a foot long moustache.
Ron: Looks like someone forgot their safety word.
Harry: Dr. Trippin! Nobody’s seen you in months! What happened?
Trippin: Well, I was working late one night and finishing up the Dean’s Letters when I
heard the sounds of hooves outside my door. I got up to check on it, and next
thing I knew, I was tied up and put into this closet.
Harry: Of course, the only way the Anus Equini could have access to our Dean’s Letters
was with Dr. Trippin out of the picture. Then they could change whatever they
wanted to keep us from getting good residencies!
Ron: That’s why they asked us all those weird questions on interviews!
Germ: But how did that work, didn’t Dean Marley see that the letters were wrong?
Trippin: Ummmm…
Pregnant pause
Germ: She doesn’t read them, does she!?!?
Trippin: [apologetic shrug]
Sounds of hooves.
69
Trippin: That’s the sound!
Germ: Let’s hide!
Harry: Germione, get out your tape recorder, you always carry that stupid thing around.
Ron: Gunner!
Germ: In the closet everyone!!!!
The five Anus Equinii walk in the room and sit around the table..
PK: I’d like to call to order the annual meeting of the Anus Equinus Society to Promote
the Interests and Evil Desires of Vulvawart. Thank you all for being here. I am
Peter Kim, the reigning Anus Equinus. Dr. Nominee number 1, please explain
why you deserve to take over the reins of the Anus Equinus Society.
PK: Thank you, Dr. Nominee number 1. Dr. Nominee number 2…
[repeat until all nominees have talked]
PK: This is truly an impressive group, with many evil deeds performed. I regret that I
have but one Ass to give for Vulvawart. [PK takes off bottoms,Friday begins to
hand them over when students burst out of closet. On Saturday, hands bottoms to
winner] SATURDAY ONLY [hands bottoms and hat to winner]: Dr. Winner, I
commend you for the awful work you’ve done. I’m so proud. May you reign in
infamy.
Students burst out of closet. On Friday, students interrupt after Kim takes bottoms off.
Students: Aha!!!!
Germ: We’ve figured you guys out!
Harry: You’re done for!
Ron: Done for!
Germ: Done for!
AE: What are you talking about?
Harry: We heard everything – about the Dean’s letters, about the torturing of medical
students, about the research. We’ve got it all on tape! We have enough evidence
to get you all kicked out of UPMC!
70
Trippin: You’ve messed with the wrong vice-dean. Don’t worry about your residency
applications, I’ll take care of it. [Marley walks in]
Marley: Yes, you’ve messed with the wrong vice Dean. Don’t worry about your
residency applications guys, he’ll take care of it. I’m sorry that you had to go
through all of that- it was the only way that we could get the Anus Equini in the
same room. And Maurice, you should really check out the bean dip in Student
Affairs. I think you’d like it.
SKIT: Resolution
Narrator: Trippin’ and Marley took care of the residency application problems for
everyone. Match day arrived, and they all celebrated getting positions at great
programs…except for those going to Ohio.
Peter’s Pub in front of curtain. Harry walks in, looking depressed. Germ and Ron see
him, walks over.
Germ: Hey Harry! You should look happier- we all just matched!
Ron: Yeah, we all got our first choices!
Germ: Um…You got your 6th choice, Ron.
Ron: Still going to residency, aren’t I? [pause] I like it better at Hemingway’s – why
don’t we go there?
Harry and Germ look at him.
Ron: Oh, yeah… [grins] Sorry about that.
Germ: Why are you upset, Harry?
Harry: Well, it’s just that I wish my parents were here and even though we got the Anus
Equini, we didn’t get Vulvawart.
Holzingdore comes over.
Holz: Harry, Ron, Germione – congratulations!
All: Thanks, Professor!
Holz: I want to tell you all how proud I am of you. You have done much more that you
can imagine by identifying the Anus Equini and helping us make UPMC better.
Harry: Well, I still don’t understand why Vulvawart hated my parents so much!
71
Holz: I didn’t want to tell you this, but…now you’ve finished medical school and you’ll
understand better. So, your parents found out Vulvawart’s deepest darkest secret.
During one of the famous Pitt Med Halloween parties, they somehow got hold of
a picture of Vulvawart’s silent, painless…
Germ: CHANCRE!!
Holz: Yes, the Chancre of Secrets. To avoid humiliation, he had them killed and went
into hiding.
Harry: But, Professor, what good did we do to catch Anus Equini? Will Vulvawart be
free to hurt other people?
Holz: Without people to carry out his evil ways, Vulvawart is powerless. If we, as
teachers and administrators, can keep a closer eye on things, Pitt Med students
won’t have to deal with the likes of the Anus Equini ever again.
Harry: What’s the chance of that?
Holz: [shrugs] Let’s see what next year’s class comes up with.
Harry: Thanks, Professor. Well, I guess that’s it. We beat the Anus Equini, matched at
great schools, the Stillers won the Super Bowl, and we’re going to be doctors!
Why do you look upset, Germ?
Germ: Well, I’m going to miss you guys. Who could be better than the class of 2006?
Curtain up, showing many students, faculty -dressed to include our favorites (Girl Scout,
Trekkee, Scrubs/Diet Pepsi, etc).- celebrating in background.
72
SONG: Pitt Med, Pitt Med
“New York, New York,” after Frank Sinatra
Start spreading the news
We’re getting M Ds
We’re gonna graduate from here
Pitt med, Pitt med
Start spreading the news,
I'm leaving today.
I want to be a part of it New York, New York.
These short, short white coats
are going away!
We’ll don our caps and gowns real soon
Here comes Monday!
These vagabond shoes
Are longing to stray
And step around the heart of it
New York, New York.
I want to wake up in a program
That lets me sleep
To find they call me doc-tor- ahI can write scripts!
I want to wake up in a city,
That doesn't sleep,
To find I'm king of the hill- ahTop of the heap.
The awesomest class
Two thousand and six
I’m glad to be a part of it,
Pitt med, pitt med!
My little town blues
Are melting away
I'm gonna make a brand new start of it
In old New York.
We really loved it here
We’ll miss yinz guys n’at
It’s been so fun
Pittsburgh, PA
If I can make it there,
I'd make it anywhere
It's up to you,
New York, New York.
We made it through the first years -and
Passed all the tests
We got up early for roundsWrote all those notesSlacked all fourth year!
Got our M Ds (almost)
I want to wake up in a city,
That doesn't sleep,
To find I'm king of the hill,
Head of the list,
Top of the heap
A-number one
Hope you liked the showIt took us all yearAnd if you’re sick of it by now,
Last song, so long!
My little town blues
Are melting away
I'm gonna make a brand new start of it
In old New York.
If we graduate here
We gonna practice anywhere
All thanks to you,
Pitt Med, Pitt Med
If I can make it there,
I'd make it anywhere
Come on, come through,
New York, New York.
73