MKA USA 2012 National Majlis-e-Shura
Subcommittee on Pre-marriage Planning
REFERENCES ON TOPICS RELATED TO THE ISLAMIC MARRIAGE PROCESS
-Allah desires for us to get married/ Importance of marriage
-----And one of His Signs is this, that He has created wives for you from among
yourselves that you may find peace of mind in them, and He has put love and
tenderness between you. In that surely are Signs for a people who reflect. (Holy Quran,
30:22)
-----Marriage is my precept and my practice. Those who do not follow my practice are
not of me. (Ibn Majah, Pathway to Paradise)
-----It is our duty to see that it [marriage] is duly respected and adhered to faithfully. It
entails a heavy responsibility for both man and woman, but I find very few people realize
it. When it is attempted, it is done on a very inadequate scale. The Islamic law has only
distinguished between two sets of rules. One pertains to God Himself, and the other to
our fellow beings. Marriage therefore falls into the second category and may be
considered to be its chief proponent. The Islamic law has made the most of it, but there
are many people that do not seem to understand [the law] fully. Neither do they try to
benefit themselves by it. Their case is like that of a baby who would be quite willing to
barter a precious diamond for a base coin. I wish people could only realize the
importance of marriage. (HKM II, quoted in Pathway to Paradise)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------What is the purpose of marriage? What are the blessings of a good marriage?
-----They [your wives] are a garment for you, and you are a garment for them. (The Holy
Quran 2:188)
-----Your wives are a tilth for you; so approach your tilth when and how you like and
send ahead some good for yourselves; and fear Allah and know that you shall meet
Him; and give good tidings to those who obey. (The Holy Quran, 2:224)
-----Abdullah ibn Amr ibn 'As relates that the Holy Prophet said: The world is but a
provision and the best provision of the world is a god woman (Muslim, Gardens of The
Righteous #282)
-----When a man has married he has completed one half of his religion. (Mishkwāt,
Pathway to Paradise)
-----And give glad tidings to those who believe and do good works, that for them are
Gardens beneath which flow streams. Whenever they are given a portion of fruit
therefrom, they will say: ‘This is what was given us before,’ and gifts mutually
resembling shall be brought to them. And they will have therein mates perfectly pure,
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and therein will they abide. (The Holy Quran, 2:26)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------What do we need to do before marriage/ to be ready for marriage?
-----And those who find no means of marriage should keep themselves chaste, until
Allah grants them means out of His bounty. (The Holy Quran, 24:34)
------It is related 'Abdu'r-Rahman ibn Yazid said, "I visited 'Abdullah with 'Alqama and alAswad. 'Abdullah said, 'We were with the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him
peace, when we were young men and had nothing at all. The Messenger of Allah, may
Allah bless him and grant him peace, said to us, "Company of young men! Any of you
who can afford it should marry. It lowers the eyes and preserves the genitals. Anyone
who is unable to should fast. It restrains the appetite." (Bukhari)
-----Men are guardians over women because Allah has made some of them excel
others, and because they (men) spend of their wealth. So virtuous women are those
who are obedient, and guard the secrets of their husbands with Allah’s protection. And
as for those on whose part you fear disobedience, admonish them and leave them
alone in their beds, and chastise them. Then if they obey you, seek not a way against
them. Surely, Allah is High, Great. (The Holy Quran, 4:35)
-----Abu Hurairah relates that the Holy Prophet said: Had I ordained that a person
should prostrate himself before another, I would have commanded that a wife should
prostrate herself before her husband (Tirmidhi, Gardens of The Righteous #287)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Who should we marry?
------It is related from Abu Hurayra that the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him
peace, said, "A woman is normally sought as a wife for her wealth, beauty, nobility, or
religiousness (adherence to Islam), but choose a religious woman and you will prosper
otherwise you will be a loser." (Muslim, Bukhari)
-----And marry not idolatrous women until they believe; even a believing bond-woman is
better than an idolatress, although she may highly please you. And give not believing
women in marriage to idolaters until they believe; even a believing slave is better than
an idolater, although he may highly please you. These call to the Fire, but Allah calls to
Heaven and to forgiveness by His command. And He makes His Signs clear to the
people that they may remember. (The Holy Quran, 2:222)
-----Forbidden to you are your mothers, and your daughters, and your sisters, and your
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fathers’ sisters, and your mothers’ sisters, and brother’s daughters, and sister’s
daughters, and your foster-mothers that have given you suck, and your foster-sisters,
and the mothers of your wives, and your stepdaughters, who are your wards by your
wives unto whom you have gone in — but if you have not gone in unto them, there shall
be no sin upon you — and the wives of your sons that are from your loins; and it is
forbidden to you to have two sisters together in marriage, except what has already
passed; surely, Allah is Most Forgiving, Merciful. (The Holy Quran, 4:24)
-----And marry widows from among you, and your male slaves and female slaves who
are fit for marriage. If they be poor, Allah will grant them means out of His bounty; and
Allah is Bountiful, All-knowing. (The Holy Quran, 24:33)
-----And lawful for you are chaste believing women and chaste women from among
those who were given the Book before you, when you give them their dowries,
contracting valid marriage and not committing fornication nor taking secret paramours.
And whoever rejects the faith, his work has doubtless come to naught, and in the
Hereafter he will be among the losers. (The Holy Quran 5:6) COMMENTARY BY HKM
II ON THIS VERSE: Whereas Islam permits marriage of Muslim men with non-Muslim
women from among the People of the Book, it certainly prefers that Muslim men should
ordinarily marry only Muslim women.
-----O ye who believe! surely among your wives and your children are some that are
really your enemies, so beware of them. And if you overlook and forgive and pardon,
then surely, Allah is Most Forgiving, Merciful. (The Holy Quran, 64:15)
-----Verily, your wealth and your children are a trial; but with Allah is an immense
reward. (The Holy Quran, 64:16)
-----O ye who believe! let not your wealth and your children divert you from the
remembrance of Allah. And whoever does so — it is they who are the losers. (The Holy
Quran, 63:10)
-----Usamah ibn Zaid relates that the Holy Prophet said: I am not leaving a more harmful
trial for men than women (Bokhari and Muslim, Gardens of The Righteous, #290)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------What is the current thought about cousin marriages?
-----Q: Why does Islam permit the marriage of cousins if genetics shows that this
practice could be harmful? A: [There are genetic risks] from marrying outside as well.
The scientific reality is just this that if there are a diseased character born by a gene,
when that gene comes across the similar character in the opposite sex, there is a
chance of that diseased character being multiplied. But so also is there a chance of
good characters being multiplied. The incidence of congenital deformed births is at
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least equal if not greater among those people who do not intermarry... Don't
misconstrue permission with an order. The Holy Quran or Islam permits you, it does not
order you to marry [cousins]. Also it promotes marriage outside, not only outside one's
blood but also outside one's race. And Islam demolishes all barriers of race and religion
in marriage except for certain exceptions. One of the exceptions in the case of an
idolater is that a Muslim woman cannot be married to an idolater and vice versa. So
that is different. But races and colors do not play any role in the marriage system in
Islam. So if you are permitted to marry among your own kith and kin, you are also not
only permitted but also promoted to marry outside with the result that the blood is
always refreshed and those possibilities become remote. (Q/A session with HKM
IV,http://www.alislam.org/v/765.html)
-----WIKIPEDIA entry on “Cousin marriage”:
The attitude to marriage between two cousins varies across jurisdictions and
cultures. It may be considered ideal and actively encouraged, or uncommon but still
legal, or considered incest and legally prohibited. Such marriages are often stigmatized
in the Western world, but marriages between first and second cousins nevertheless
account for over 10% of marriages worldwide. They are particularly common in the
Middle East, where in some nations they account for over half of all marriages. Only
particular kinds of cousin marriage have been allowed in many cultures, such as
between cross cousins. Various religions have ranged from prohibiting sixth cousins
from marrying to freely allowing first-cousin marriage. Cousin marriage has also
featured prominently in the field of anthropology, notably in alliance theory. The
children of first-cousin marriages have an increased risk of genetic disorders, though
some scientists contend this is relatively small. Supporters of cousin marriage in the
West may view legal bans as discrimination, while opponents may appeal to morality or
other arguments.
[SECTION: In religion, SUBSECTION: Islam]: The Qur'an does not state that
marriages between first cousins are forbidden. In Sura An-Nisa (4:22–24), Allah
mentioned the women who are forbidden for marriage: to quote the Qu'ran, "… Lawful
to you are all beyond those mentioned, so that you may seek them with your wealth in
honest wedlock…" In Sura Al-Ahzab (33:50): “O Prophet, indeed We have made lawful
to you your wives to whom you have given their due compensation and those your right
hand possesses from what Allah has returned to you [of captives] and the daughters of
your paternal uncles and the daughters of your paternal aunts and the daughters of your
maternal uncles and the daughters of your maternal aunts who emigrated with you and
a believing woman if she gives herself to the Prophet [and] if the Prophet wishes to
marry her, [this is] only for you, excluding the [other] believers. We certainly know what
We have made obligatory upon them concerning their wives and those their right hands
possess, [but this is for you] in order that there will be upon you no discomfort. And ever
is Allah Forgiving and Merciful.” Muslims have practiced marriages between first
cousins in non-prohibited countries since the time of Muhammad. In a few countries the
most common type is between paternal cousins. Muhammad actually did marry two
relatives. One was a first cousin, Zaynab bint Jahsh, who was not only the daughter of
one of his father's sisters but was also divorced from a marriage with Muhammad's
adopted son, Zayd ibn Haritha. It was the issue of adoption and not cousinship that
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caused controversy due to the opposition of pre-Islamic Arab norms. Many of the
immediate successors of Muhammad also took a cousin as one of their wives. Umar
married his cousin Atikah bint Zayd ibn Amr ibn Nifayl, while Ali married Fatimah, the
daughter of his paternal first cousin Muhammad and hence his first cousin once
removed.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------How should we go about getting married?
-----O ye who believe! fear Allah, and say the straightforward word. (The Holy Quran,
33:71)
-----O ye people! fear your Lord, Who created you from a single soul and created
therefrom its mate, and from them twain spread many men and women; and fear Allah,
in Whose name you appeal to one another, and fear Him particularly respecting ties of
relationship. Verily, Allah watches over you. (The Holy Quran, 4:2)
-----O ye who believe! fear Allah; and let every soul look to what it sends forth for the
morrow. And fear Allah; verily Allah is Well-Aware of what you do. (The Holy Quran,
59:19)
-----Say to the believing men that they restrain their eyes and guard their private parts.
That is purer for them. Surely, Allah is well aware of what they do. (The Holy Quran,
24:31)
----And say to the believing women that they restrain their eyes and guard their private
parts, and that they disclose not their natural and artificial beauty except that which is
apparent thereof, and that they draw their head-coverings over their bosoms, and that
they disclose not their beauty save to their husbands, or to their fathers, or the fathers of
their husbands or their sons or the sons of their husbands or their brothers, or the sons
of their brothers, or the sons of their sisters, or their women, or what their right hands
possess, or such of male attendants as have no sexual appetite, or young children who
have no knowledge of the hidden parts of women. And they strike not their feet so that
what they hide of their ornaments may become known. And turn ye to Allah all together,
O believers, that you may succeed. (The Holy Quran, 24:32)
-----Go and look at her (the woman you are considering marrying) because this will help
your time together to be strengthened. (Musnad Ahmad)
-----Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, let him not have a private audience
with a woman without her mahram (family). " (Musnad Ahmad)
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-How should we evaluate candidates who may be our future spouses?
-----And consort with them [your wives] in kindness; and if you dislike them, it may be
that you dislike a thing wherein Allah has placed much good. (The Holy Quran, 4:20)
-----Abu Hurairah relates that the Holy Prophet said: Let no Muslim man entertain any
rancour against a Muslim woman. Should he dislike one quality in her, he would find
another which is pleasing (Muslim, Gardens of The Righteous #277)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------How should we pray for marriage?
-----And those who say, ‘Our Lord, grant us of our wives and children the delight of our
eyes, and make us a model for the righteous. (The Holy Quran, 25:75)
-----With the Istikhara prayer: O Allah! I seek goodness from Your Knowledge and with
Your Power (and Might) I seek strength, and I ask from You Your Great Blessings,
because You have the Power and I do not have the power. You Know everything and I
do not know, and You have knowledge of the unseen. Oh Allah! If in Your Knowledge
this action ------------------------------------------------ (which I intend to do) is better for my
religion and faith, for my life and end [death], for here [in this world] and the hereafter
then make it destined for me and make it easy for me and then add blessings [baraka']
in it, for me. O Allah! In Your Knowledge if this action is bad for me, bad for my religion
and faith, for my life and end [death], for here [in this world] and the hereafter then turn it
away from me and turn me away from it and whatever is better for me, ordain [destine]
that for me and then make me satisfied with it.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------How do outcomes from arranged marriages compare with outcomes from dating
(“love marriages”)?
-----“Arranged Marriages Can Be Real Love Connection” Scientific American Podcast by
Steve Mirsky (http://www.scientificamerican.com/podcast/episode.cfm?id=arrangedmarriages-can-be-real-love-10-03-11):
Think arranged marriages are loveless? Not so, says psychologist Robert
Epstein, a contributing editor for Scientific American MIND magazine. He spoke March
10 at the 92nd Street Y’s Tribeca site in New York City:
“And there’s even a study published in India [Usha Gupta and Pushpa Singh of
the University of Rajasthan, 1982] but using an American love scale, called the
Rubin Love Scale, that compared love in love marriages in India, because they
have those, too, to love in arranged marriages. And in this particular study, love
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Subcommittee on Pre-marriage Planning
in the love marriages starts out very high. And then over time it decreases. That’s
what all of our studies show. And in the arranged marriages—and this is true in
my work, too—we see the love starting out relatively low. Because in some cases
the people barely know each other, sometimes they’ve had a half an hour of
contact in total before they got married. And then it increases gradually,
surpasses the love in the love marriages at about five years. And 10 years out it’s
twice as strong.”
-----FIGURE FROM THE ABOVE REFERENCED 1982 STUDY:
-----“A psychologist's guide to love — planning on it” online article at The China Post
(http://www.chinapost.com.tw/life/discover/2009/12/31/238764/A-psychologists.htm):
Robert Epstein believes that someday, in the not-too-distant future, many
Americans will share his philosophy on relationships. And his philosophy is this: You
can build love deliberately and choose whom to do it with.
All of this “falling” stuff, he thinks, will become passe. Epstein is a psychologist
and author whose previous research has focused largely on creativity and adolescence.
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Subcommittee on Pre-marriage Planning
He turned his attention to affairs of the heart after his first marriage ended in divorce. “It
was personal,” he says. “I've certainly failed in relationships and in very much the typical
American way, which makes it very frustrating - when you fail in a typical way.”
In 2002, when a young woman came in to interview for an internship and told him
she'd never been in love, he had an idea: They set out to make her fall in love. The
intern eventually backed out of the experiment, so Epstein decided to do it himself. After
meeting a woman on a plane who agreed to be his partner in the endeavor, he began to
employ strategies and behaviors that relationship experts have found increase feelings
of intimacy: sharing vulnerabilities, touching each other affectionately and seeking
adventures together.
The good news? They fell in love. The bad? It didn't last. She was from
Venezuela, and the logistics were too difficult to overcome.
Still, Epstein, former editor of Psychology Today, has been shaping his theory
that love can be orchestrated ever since. It may sound strange to Western ears, he
realizes. But Epstein's come to think it's the American way that's really absurd when it
comes to love: “We grow up on fairy tales and movies in which magical forces help
people find their soul mates, with whom they effortlessly live happily ever after,” he
wrote in a recent issue of Scientific American Mind. “The fairy tales leave us powerless,
putting our love lives into the hands of the Fates.”
To gain insights into another way of cultivating love, Epstein has begun to study
arranged marriages. Some studies have found that over time the affection between
partners in arranged marriages can surpass that of couples who chose each other
because of love.
The seed Epstein is hoping to plant in people's minds, through lectures and a
book he's writing, is that we may have greater control than we think over this wily thing
called love.
And if that doesn't sound particularly romantic? “All I can say is there's nothing
romantic about failure,” Epstein answers.
-----“Relationship outcomes in Indian-American love-based and arranged marriages.
Regan PC, Lakhanpal S, Anguiano C., Psychol Rep. 2012 Jun;110(3):915-24.
Abstract: The meaning and purpose of marriage, and the manner in which spouses are
selected, varies across cultures. Although many cultures have a tradition of arranged
marriage, researchers interested in marital dynamics generally have focused on lovebased marriages. Consequently, there is little information on relational outcomes within
arranged marriages. This study compared relationship outcomes in love-based and
arranged marriages contracted in the U.S. A community sample of 58 Indian
participants living in the U.S. (28 arranged marriages, 30 love-based marriages)
completed measures of marital satisfaction, commitment, companionate love, and
passionate love. Men reported greater amounts of commitment, passionate love, and
companionate love than women. Unexpectedly, no differences were found between
participants in arranged and love-based marriages; high ratings of love, satisfaction,
and commitment were observed in both marriage types. The overall affective
experiences of partners in arranged and love marriages appear to be similar, at least
among Indian adults living in contemporary U.S. society.
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