CONSTITUTION AND RULES OF THE UNIVERSITY OF CANTERBURY KAOS (KILLING AS ORGANISED SPORT) SOCIETY Article I The name of the society shall be ‘Killing As Organised Sport’, and that shall be it’s name, and it shall hereinafter be known as KAOS and not KOAS or a cabbage or something. And this shall be good. Article II Objects and Doctrine a) The objects of KAOS shall be: To further the social and academic interests of all members. To throw great and memorable parties. To run Killing Rounds and Stunts regularly with the involvement and to the amusement of members and non-members alike. To throw great and memorable parties. To defend the honour of the UCSA on the battlefield. To throw great and memorable parties. To maintain plausible deniability. To throw great and memorable parties. Are subject to change at irregular intervals. b) The official KAOS doctrine shall be: To not have an official position on any religious, ideological, moral, ethical, cultural, historical, doctrinal or karmic wheelbarrow, bandwagon or long black limousine which anyone happens to push our way. Article III Membership a) The following shall be eligible for membership: Any member of the UCSA. Any graduate member of the UCSA. Any staff member of the UoC or the UCSA. Any feline resident of the UoC or the UCSA. Any Ex-Dictator (who shall be an Honorary Life Member). Any fantastical entity bearing no resemblance to any persons, living or dead. Any person whose given name is ‘Philliptus Aureolus Theophrastus Bombastus von Hohenhiem’. Any other person admitted at the ‘corruption’ of the Politburo. b) Membership shall be granted on payment of the subscription fee (see Article IV a) after completion of all required paperwork. Article IV Subscription a) The annual subscription to be paid by each member shall be fixed in each year by the Dictator at least fifteen minutes before clubs day begins. b) The annual subscription shall not be equal to the gross national product of Myanmar for the previous year. Article V Officers and Politburo a) The Officers of KAOS shall be: The Dictator, The Vizier, and Q. These officers, with the exception of The Dictator, shall be appointed by The Dictator. The Dictator shall be appointed by the previous Dictator. b) The Officers of KAOS shall hold office until the next Annual General Briefing unless they: Resign and commit Seppuku. Are purged by The Dictator and taken to a place of execution and soaked with water in front of a large audience (refer to Article XVI). Are assassinated by the Proletariat. c) The Dictator shall appoint any number of ordinary agents desired, who, along with The Dictator, The Vizier and Q shall form the Politburo of KAOS. They shall have office until the next Annual General Briefing unless they: Resign and commit Seppuku. Are purged by The Dictator and executed (see Article XVI). Become a professional Elvis impersonator. d) All other members of KAOS shall be fondly known as ‘The Plebs’ or ‘The Rabble’. e) In the event of the return of Vicky Hyde or any of her legitimate heirs to KAOS, they shall be immediately appointed Dictator but shall have a regent appointed to handle the affairs of state until the Politburo judges that The Dictator is fit to assume power. f) In the event of the Return of S.D. Murphey (A Witness) to KAOS, the Politburo shall immediately roll a SAN check. g) In the event of sudden wide-spread heat death, KAOS shall be immediately wound up without requiring authorisation from it’s officers (see Article XV). h) In the event of The Dictator mysteriously vanishing into a long black car, never to be seen again, the Politburo shall convene a meeting and select one of their number, by playing ‘Scissors, Paper, Rock’ to be Acting Dictator until such a time as the real Dictator can be found. i) In the event of all the Officers of KAOS being abducted by aliens, rendered into insanity by Things Beyond Space and Time, or otherwise incapable of accessing the KAOS coffers for legitimate club embezzlement, the UCSA may direct-credit all of the club funds to their own coffers for the purposes of starting a new club account for KAOS with these funds. Article VI Management a) The Politburo of KAOS, as provided for in Article V (c), shall manage the internal affairs of KAOS, shall exercise supervision over properties and members, shall purchase all materials required by KAOS and pass accounts for payment. b) The Dictator shall have the power to carry out and enforce the constitution, and from time to time make, amend, lose or rescind by-laws as deemed fit. c) At all Politburo meetings The Dictator shall form a quorum. d) The Dictator shall have power, at all times, to instruct the Politburo to attend a Politburo meeting. At least five minutes warning must be given. Due warning is satisfied by The Dictator saying aloud that they will hold a Politburo meeting. e) Any member of the Politburo may petition The Dictator to call a Politburo meeting, and if The Dictator is happy with the token of appreciation which is presented to them, then a meeting shall be called. Article VII Funds a) The funds of KAOS, from whatever source derived, shall be applied only towards the promotion of the objects of the society and no portion (no, not even a little) shall be paid or transferred directly or indirectly by way of dividend, bonus, bribe, graft, or embezzlement to any member of KAOS with the exception of reimbursement to members for legitimate and actual expenditure on behalf on KAOS which the Politburo has authorised. b) All monies shall be received by The Dictator or The Vizier, who shall then deposit it in a UCSA authorised account with BNZ, or any other account that the UCSA can be conned into authorising for the use of KAOS. Article VII The Dictator a) At all meetings of KAOS The Dictator shall occupy the chair. The occupation of the chair is to be greeted with acclamation of all Politburo members present. In the event that The Dictator is otherwise occupied, the chair shall be occupied by the first Politburo member to sit in the chair and recite the ritual phrase “Ooh-la-la Cthulu”. b) KAOS shall be run on a ‘one man, one vote’ system. The Dictator shall in all cases be considered that man, and shall have the (only) vote. c) The Dictator shall attend all meetings and shall pretend to keep minutes of the procedures, read, file and forget all communications and other papers, issue proclamations, conduct air traffic signals and generally attend to the clerical duties in connection to KAOS in as much as The Dictator is unable to delegate these duties to lesser mortals. See Articles VII (e) and XVII (a) for further clarification. d) The Dictator shall at all times lead by example in all traditions of KAOS activities, and shall get as drunk as often as possible. e) The Dictator may at any time delegate any or all of these functions to any member of the Politburo. In the event that all these functions are delegated, the unlucky and obviously gullible member of the Politburo gains the additional title of Co-Dictator, Vice-Dictator, Schmuck, or Schmoo. f) The Dictator shall also keep a secret record of equipment or property purchased, the cost, and where such is kept. The Dictator will arrange security as necessary. g) The Dictator, or Vizier, shall collect and account for all subscriptions and shall furnish a report of the financial year and a statement of assets and liabilities for presentation at the Annual General Briefing. They will also keep extensive films on all members for blackmail purposes. Article IX General and Special Briefing a) Notice of the General Briefing shall be posted on the KAOS notice board and on any relevant electronic board or social networking website no later than seven minutes prior to the start of the meeting. b) A General Briefing shall be held in each year at a date decided by tradition to be the first Friday after club’s day, where the regular business shall be: To affirm the benign Dictator’s position. To give the annual briefing to the agents. To reveal the location of the First Party. To execute at least one malcontent. c) The mode of voting at all meetings shall be by a show of hand with loud calls and jeering from the cheap seats. Article X The Financial Year a) Shall be from when The Dictator starts keeping records until when The Dictator stops keeping records. b) See Article XI (c) for clarification. Article XI The Constitution a) The Dictator and those Politburo members with the requisite security clearance shall keep copies of the constitution, which shall be available to all members upon application of the appropriate grease for the inexorable wheels of bureaucracy. b) Discussion of the constitution in any manner other than laughter is a treasonable offence and punishable by execution in a public place etc. In the event you are captured and forced to spill the beans The Dictator shall disavow all knowledge. c) See Article X (b) for clarification. Article XII Alteration of the Constitution a) No part of this constitution shall be altered, rescinded or added to in any way except by the whim of the incumbent Dictator. Proposed alterations of the constitution must be handed to The Dictator graven in stone and in triplicate. b) No motion to alter, rescind, jury-rig or add to this constitution shall be deemed to be carried if The Dictator deems the changes contrary to their interests, aims, secret Swiss bank account or objectives of KAOS. c) No motion to alter, rescind, jury-rig or add to this constitution shall be deemed to be carried unless it is subsequently ratified by any current or future UCSA executive committee. Article XIII Standing Orders a) The standing orders of the society are those promulgated in the annual KAOS Manifesto. b) Anyone breaking, bending, folding, spindling or otherwise mutilating the standing orders shall be executed in a public place etc. c) A copy of the standing orders shall be given to all members of KAOS who have parted with a full subscription fee into the KAOS coffers. Article XIV Affiliation a) KAOS shall apply for affiliation to the UCSA and will abide by the decisions and rulings of the Executive in so far as this does not contravene the objectives of KAOS. b) A Dictator who forgets to affiliate KAOS shall be executed in a public place, and KAOS shall fall into a state of civil disorder until the stars are right. That is not dead which can eternal lie… Article XV Winding Up a) We watch and we are always here. KAOS was, KAOS is and KAOS shall be. In the unlikely event that we vanish, we’ll be back. b) If, by the will of the Great Old Ones, circumstances conspire to force KAOS to wind up then we shall pretend to do so and will immediately set up a new club with similar aims and objectives. c) In the event that KAOS is forced to wind up, the UCSA shall not be held responsible for any outstanding liabilities that KOAS has incurred or the subsequent actions of those organisations that were previously controlled by the ruling elite of KAOS. Article XVI Internal Club Disputes aka “Executions” a) Any member of KAOS may be executed for any infraction of the rules of KAOS. b) Impromptu Executions are to be carried out on the spot with whatever weapons are to hand: water pistols, nerf guns, sponge cake, stuffed animals etc. c) Formal Executions are to be carried out after the accused has had the opportunity to defend themselves at a Mock Trial or Kangaroo Court. d) The two overwhelming concerns of KAOS in Matters of Discipline are that: Injustice must be seen to be done. Thou shall not waste The Dictator’s time. Article XVII a) Diabolical Laughter Mmwaaaaaah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha…