XP3 Students: JUDGMENT CALL Parent CUE
XP3: JUDGMENT CALL
We’re Teaching This:
When was the last time you had to make a tough call? Was it when deciding what to eat for
lunch? To drink Coke or Pepsi? Go to the gym or skip it? The truth is, we make judgment calls all
day long, from what we watch on TV or who we hang out with to more complicated decisions like
whether to attend a party or stick with a tough friendship. And, in every decision, we’re forced to
ask the question, “Which option is better?” The problem is, our natural tendency to judge leaks
into places it shouldn’t—like our relationships. We start thinking of people as options and deciding
which ones are better or worse. Many of us are even tempted to make those judgments about
ourselves. Unfortunately, most of the time, we make decisions about people without all the facts.
We don’t know someone’s whole story, their whole situation, or their whole potential. We miss the
big picture. Maybe that’s why, in the Bible, God makes it super clear: Judgment is His call. Not
ours.
Think About This:
A quick internet search reveals the worries many parents feel when it comes to their teen’s
friends. “How to spot a bully”. “How to spot a bad influence”. “How to spot the wrong crowd”.
There is plenty to worry about when it comes to your student’s friends. And while we all want our
students to show good judgment when it comes to friends, our tendency as parents may be to
judge too quickly. One friend has too low of a GPA. Another has too many extracurricular
activities. One talks too much and another is too quiet. It’s hard to know which qualities our
students should accept in their friends and which ones should put that friend on the proverbial nofly list.
But what if, as parents, we spent less time figuring out who our students should be friends with
and more time figuring out how to influence the friends they’ve already chosen? What if you were
able to not only help your teen choose friends, but to directly influence the life choices those
friends make?
More and more studies say you can.
A study published in the archives of Pediatric and Adolescent Medicine suggests that teens with
friends who have strict parents are less likely to binge drink and make other poor life choices
(http://fowler.ucsd.edu/parental_influence_on_substance_use.pdf ).
Think about that. The students in this study were most influenced by their friends’ parents, not
just their friends. In fact, you probably don’t need a lot of research to know this. Have you ever
heard someone say, “She is like a second mother to me”? Probably so. Many of us grew up with
at least one set of friend’s parents who influenced us. Part of maturing is beginning to listen to
multiple voices, multiple adult influences. As parents we have an incredible opportunity to speak
into our own children’s lives by using our influence to guide their friends.
When it comes to friends, influence > judgment. Having influence on your child’s friends
doesn’t mean you have to be the “cool one”. It doesn’t mean you have to host or allow parties,
throw caution to the wind, and be their best buddy. It also doesn’t mean you have to legally adopt
them or have them over every night of the week. Having influence can be as simple as taking one
step toward including a friend in your normal family plans.
©2014 The reThink Group, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Invite them in. Invite your teen’s friends to spend time at your house. You don’t have to do
anything special or make a five star dinner. For a lot of students, the concept of a normal (even
boring) family dinner is almost unimaginable. Simply being in a home with someone other than
their own parents can offer students a different perspective on things like marriage, work, family,
and decision-making. So don’t feel the need to put on a show or have the most fun house on the
block. Just allow someone else to be a part of your family once in a while. You may have more
impact than you think.
Try This
Everyone wants their teen to be an accepting and friendly person. And one of the best ways to
teach that skill is to model it. Think about the friends your teen already spends time around. How
intentional are you about investing time in those people? Are you using your influence to help that
person in any way?
This week, try investing time in one of your teen’s closest friends.
Invite them to come hang out for dinner or be part of a family outing. While you’re together, ask
questions about their family and their interests. It’s not a time to give advice—just get to know
them and show you care. In doing so, you may be taking the first step toward more influence in
the life of your own student.
Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.
©2014 The reThink Group, Inc. All Rights Reserved.