Peer Pleasure, Peer Pain — Understanding the Social Lives of Children
Remember the Middle Schooler in You
By Harry Finks
Culturally speaking, time always brings change. Today, we look back over the past 50 years with
a certain amount of awe and amazement at what has transpired. Certainly, children now move
about in a world that is far different from the world of previous generations: more media, wider
roles for boys and girls, more complex family dynamics, new and quickly advancing
technology. And there is all sorts of research telling us what future generations might face. Yet,
what holds true — the constant that educators always need to remember — is that children
continue to grow through the same developmental stages.
When we talk about middle schools today (and all schools serving early adolescents), I think it’s
vital that educators not get too sidetracked by the whirr of cultural changes in the lives of
students in the middle. In fact, we’d do well to start not by looking out at the culture, but by
looking in at ourselves. If we want to understand why a specific middle-school philosophy and
approach to education originally developed 40 years ago and why it still applies today, I think
it’s important to recall how we felt and acted during that time in our lives.
Inside every person over 15 years of age still lives the middle schooler. We often try to disguise
this fact. Published biographies of famous people usually do not include pictures of them during
this period, and the stories written about this time of life almost always include a large measure
of embarrassment. Many of us try to avoid remembering how we looked and behaved during
those years. Still, the middle schooler lives inside us all. So, when I work with faculty groups,
before we begin talking about policy or curriculum or school structure, I like to introduce them
to the middle schooler within me and reintroduce them to their younger selves at that vulnerable,
transforming age.
Many of us try to avoid remembering how we looked and behaved during those years. Still, the
middle schooler lives inside us all. My introduction goes like this:
Eighth-grade Harry was round, short, embarrassed by his academic abilities, and more
embarrassed by his athletic disabilities. He felt the world watched the leather patch on his husky
jeans that announced that the waist number was considerably larger than the inseam number. He
worried regularly that his mother would come to school and take off her shoes so that his friends
could see the ugly triangular shape of her toes. He was spared the shower room disasters only
because there was no gym in his elementary school until one day there was a basketball game
with the other elementary eighth grade. After sitting on the bench for the full game, eighth-grade
Harry found himself in the shower next to manly Elmer Branstetter and once again was made
aware of his shortcomings.
Harry’s eighth-grade year was best told, however, in the relationship he established with his
teacher. Mr. Dixon, a brand new teacher, changed all the rules. He moved the desks into groups.
He said that there would no longer be a class president (Harry, with his high hopes that his time
had come, felt quietly angry at the change.) Mr. Dixon said that, instead, there would be weekly
class managers, allowing everyone a turn. Relieved by this guaranteed success, Harry awaited his
turn 13 weeks into the year, a week with only three days of school! Mr. Dixon asked Harry and
Linda to be responsible for school attendance. He did not mean that attendance slips would be
gathered and turned over to a secretary. He wanted a system of school attendance to be
developed and parent communication to be established. He wanted records kept. This was the
first time Harry had been given genuine responsibility. An adult believed in him. The next time
was when Mr. Dixon asked three of the students to rewrite the history book so that it would be
clear and interesting to the rest of the class. He honestly acknowledged that there were students
who needed help in reading and that the book itself was awful.
The final act of trust came right before graduation:
Mr. Dixon called Harry to his desk. “You know Charles Beeler?” he asked.
“Of course.”
Charles had always been there. In fact, there was a Beeler in every grade in the school. They
lived in the country in an unfinished basement covered by a tarpaper roof. It had neither running
water nor electricity. Charles always had a dirty crust on his body, even though his unhealthy
whiteness showed through his ragged clothing and sockless feet.
“Charles will be embarrassed at graduation. He needs to get cleaned up. I can find him new
clothes, but I know it would embarrass him if I talked to him about a shower. Will you do that?”
I had no idea how to do that, but to my own surprise, I responded, “Okay.”
I do not recall how I fulfilled this assignment. I do recall the trust and honesty of Mr. Dixon. He
gave me his example while I was still eighth-grade Harry.
After introducing eighth-grade Harry to faculty groups, I ask them to look inside and reintroduce
themselves to the middle schooler in each of them. The results are always fascinating. Recently,
the middle-school faculty at Abington Friends School did this exercise. The group included
honest, emphatic, humorous teachers of different ages who told their stories. Here’s what some
of them had to say:
“I was tracked into the bottom math group and the top English one.”
“I was in the Walrus section, but I have no memory of any instruction.”
“Everything was relationship.”
“I remember peeing in my pants in sixth grade.”
“My teacher listened to some other kids telling a bad story about me, and she laughed, too.”
“I loved repetition, and I loved to play.”
“I didn’t do a lick of work I didn’t have to do.”
“I decided I was going to be bad. But because I had always been so good, others got in trouble
for what I did. I could never get three checks.”
“Social, social, social. I couldn’t wait until lunch.”
“I loved the art and chorus…the extras.”
“I was intrigued by the scary girls.”
“I hated spelling bees.”
“I had the capacity to care. But I was trying to be Elvis Presley.”
“One hundred naked boys in swimming class.”
HARDSHIPS AT TWELVE
Too hot. Too cold.
Too late. Too early.
My clothes aren't the right size or style.
There aren’t five ice cubes in my lemonade.
The trip is too long.
My hair is too short.
I’m tired but can’t get to sleep.
I’m supposed to sleep, but I’m not tired.
Monday we have chicken, I want spaghetti.
Tuesday we have spaghetti, I want chicken.
Wednesday, chicken and spaghetti, but I don’t eat because I am acting put upon for having to
wait so long for the food I like.
Thursday, meatloaf...not enough bacon and too much ketchup.
Friday we eat out, but I want meatloaf.
Saturday, leftover chicken, spaghetti, meatloaf.
Sunday, turkey, whipped potatoes...I want to eat out.
The TV is on; I want it off. The TV is off; I want it on.
Mom won’t fix me a TV dinner since she is on her way upstairs to pull a nail out of her foot.
I want to go somewhere until someone says yes.
I am thirsty and there is nothing to drink.
It’s sometimes hard to be twelve.
— written by a 12-year-old, 20-something years ago
Listening to themselves, the Abington Friends middle-school teachers identified everything
important to consider as middle-school teachers. Most of all, it became clear that the middle
school’s job remains the same as it has always been for the past half century: to stay focused on
the universal, age-specific needs of early adolescents.
How does the school respond to these developmental issues of young adolescents? Joan Lipsitz,
former director of the Center for Early Adolescences at the University of North Carolina at
Chapel Hill, years ago identified seven characteristics of young adolescents. Lists like hers were
the basis for creating the philosophy of middle school, to help students who were clearly lost
between the elementary school model and the high school model. The list — included in the
NAIS Middle School Handbook, which I wrote 13 years ago — has probably been revised from
time to time, but I consider that unnecessary. These characteristics are still the ones that describe
today’s middle-school students. They are also the ones that described each of the middle
schoolers inside the Abington Friends faculty, as well as eighth-grade Harry. To understand the
success of middle schools, then and now, a look at these developmental characteristics
(accompanied by telling vignettes from my years of working and teaching in middle schools)
makes sense.
YOUNG ADOLESCENTS ARE A WIDELY DIVERSE GROUP.
When students in a seventh-grade class were asked to write a personal revelation that touched
their lives, and which they felt comfortable reading to their classmates, the first student teared up
slightly about how hard life was for him as the shortest person in his grade. The second student
told about how hard school was for him as the tallest.
An eighth-grade boy ran out of physical education class to voice his distress. “They say I’m
five feet tall.” Tears spurted from his eyes as he continued, “Everyone knows that I am five-feetone-half inches.”
The student council, with a membership that included fifth- through eighth-graders, was stuck
on a decision for a fund-raiser. The fund-raiser was to include a dinner prepared by the students
and entertainment in dinner-theater style. The eighth-grade students, understanding the great
number of issues to address, had simply decided to have a chili supper. The actual food seemed
to matter little in the greater scheme of things. However, the discussions were stopped by the
concrete demands of a younger student. “I don’t like chili,” he said. “We should have pasta.”
Each idea about how to go about this vast task was punctuated by, “I don’t like chili.” “Pasta,
pasta.”
The “Dear Destiny” advice column in the middle-school newspaper included the following
topics: “How do I know if I need braces?” “I really like my boyfriend, but he wants to kiss me.”
“I want to know why my backpack strap always gets stuck in my locker.”
YOUNG ADOLESCENTS ARE ENGAGED IN SELF-EXPLORATION AND SELFDEFINITION.
A note found on a locker included the following: “Jeremy was wearing a tank top, and he had
underarm hair, and in your sex-ed book it says, ‘Boys usually develop pubic hair before
underarm hair.’ So….”
During the pre-boarding process at Southwest Airlines, the attendant said, “And children
under 12 traveling alone may also go in first.” The grandfather pushed his grandson to that line.
“You are under 12.” The boy looked back, puzzled and honest. The man pushed him forward.
"What is great about a role model they will always steer you in the right direction about anything
because they respect you."
“Go on.”
“But you know I am already 12, not under 12.”
“Go ahead, it won’t matter.”
The boy could not do it.
A middle-school teacher expounds that she faces a different class every day. A middle-school
student sees a new person in the mirror each morning and every evening.
YOUNG ADOLESCENTS ARE READY AND EAGER TO PARTICIPATE IN THEIR
HOME, SCHOOL AND COMMUNITY.
Before the Gulf War actually began, some students approached the middle-school principal.
“Can we stop classes and have a peace rally? We’ll let everyone, whether they like peace or not,
speak safely. The teachers don’t need to come, but you are welcome to help us. We feel we need
to take this step.” Later that day, the students were surprised that their efforts did not stop the
dropping of the first bomb.
A sixth-grade student wrote to his teacher after a social activity involving six schools was
held at his school. “There was a physically challenged child from one school. His arms were out
of proportion to the rest of his body and he was rather small. But the other kids at the dance
made fun of him by walking around with one arm held up and one arm dangling down. This
made me very sad and disappointed.” He told of starting over to address those making fun, but
not being able to gain the courage yet. He concluded, “The next time I’m going over to that
physically challenged kid and am going to try to become friends with him. I will talk to him and
I don’t care who or what gets in my way.”
A student working in a shelter wrote: “The first few days of community service it seemed
liked every single person in the kitchen was either saying, ‘Excuse me,’ or ‘Do you need some
help with that?’ Now, every time I go into the kitchen I am able to do my job without getting in
anybody’s way. Now the kitchen staff and I can talk about other things than just how to do my
job. Whether it is talking about the Patriots or joking about something, it seems that I have been
able to get to start to know my coworkers.”
YOUNG ADOLESCENTS NEED AND WANT POSITIVE RELATIONSHIPS WITH BOTH
PEERS AND ADULTS.
An eighth-grade class of 80 students identified 90 groups that existed in their class, including:
the popular, unpopular, partially popular, new kids, last year’s new kids, the watchers, the
outsiders, people with lots of friends but not popular, the study-ers, worriers, the extremely
visible group, really athletic great looking kids, boy-crazy girls, girl-crazy boys, and the normal
kids who don’t have interest in the other sex.
An eighth-grader, during his service-learning project at a day-care center, explained how he
knew how to be a role model for four-year-old Ronald. “All my life I have had good role models.
Some of my best role models are my family members, teachers, and other relatives. What is great
about a role model is they will always steer you in the right direction about anything because
they respect you. My advisor helped me think about my next school choice. Because he knew me
so well, he knew exactly what I wanted in a school, from how I developed in middle school. I
look up to him because I can trust him, and I know he would always give the best advice to me
about anything.”
YOUNG ADOLESCENTS CONTINUE TO NEED STRUCTURE AND CLEAR LIMITS.
YOUNG ADOLESCENTS NEED AND DESIRE INCREASED LEVELS OF AUTONOMY.
A bind that middle-school principals find themselves in usually concerns this characteristic
tension. Students need to be empowered. They need voice. At the same time, teachers can fear a
loss of control as students desire to speak up. A middle-school principal uses discipline situations
as her or his place to teach. It is here that structure, clear limits, and student voice and autonomy
seek balance.
The faculty was concerned about how current fashion was inappropriate attire for school.
Their approach was to dictate “no tank tops, no spaghetti straps, no tube tops.”
The following response from eighth-grade girls is important, appropriate, and typical:
We know that some schools have dress codes, and we completely understand the need for them to
a certain extent. However, we feel that you have been slightly overbearing and unclear on the
specifics of the new dress standards. If this rule continues, kids will probably continue to wear
tank tops and more revealing clothes as an act of rebellion. We feel that if the rule were less
restricting, more people would abide by the rules. For example:



Shirts must have straps (no tube tops).
Bra straps should be allowed but no part other than the straps should be shown. This is
only if it’s shown deliberately.
No completely bare backs (no halter tops).
If the rule apples[sic] to students, it is only fair that teachers abide by the rules. We have
standards and we think we should be allowed to use our good judgment on what should and
should not be allowed and know that teachers trust us.
[Signed by many.]
YOUNG ADOLESCENTS HAVE A HIGH ENERGY LEVEL.
An American group of students visited their sister school in Moscow. Each room had students
sitting in rows, hands raised a certain way. Only one room broke the mold. Students and teachers
were out of their seats laughing as they enacted a story from a book. It was a seventh-grade class.
The director of development stood briefly in the middle school. It was grandparents’ day and
students were uncharacteristically calm and on their best behavior. Holding her ears and rolling
her eyes, the director looked at a teacher and said of the noise and movement, “How do you do it
every day?”
YOUNG ADOLESCENTS NEED OPPORTUNITITES TO ACHIEVE COMPETENCE AND
SUCCESS.
The head of school stood next to a middle-school principal at a musical production. All of the
class was involved. Several of the boys had solo vocal parts. The head whispered, “Doesn’t that
boy know he can’t sing?” The principal responded, “No, not yet. Isn’t it wonderful?”
A middle-school teacher changed the traditional end-of-the-year awards. During the last week
of classes, she gave everyone in the group an opportunity to speak positively about every other
student. She kept notes of all of the good things that were said. Each student was also asked to
list things he or she did well. From all the positive feedback, each student selected the award he
or she wished to have presented on the plaque: “Class teddy bear with the biggest heart,” “Best
organized,” “The Mercury Award — spreads all the news.”
...when a middle school addreesses the developmental characteristics of its students, it
experiences success.
These developmental characteristics remain true, and they aren’t going to change any time soon.
The philosophy of middle school remains centered on the student, right where it belongs. The
years have shown me a few other things. There are misassumptions concerning both boys and
girls. Boys, indeed, are sensitive and caring, and girls are not innately unkind to each other. Both
are poorly served if we believe otherwise. Also, somewhere in the developmental characteristics,
“humor” should be listed. It is the heart of the matter.
One could easily add thoughts to make for a more complete look at the middle-school student
and the middle school, but this snapshot is realistic. The essentials have not changed with time,
and devotion to those characteristics assures success in the education of young adolescents.
I am aware, of course, of the cultural changes that put added pressure on schools, but my point is
that when a middle school addresses the developmental characteristics of its students, it
experiences success. If we respond to students in the ways that fit them best, they willingly, even
excitedly, will learn almost anything the teachers include in the curriculum. This was the idea
when middle schools were created. It was the idea when the <i>Middle School Handbook</i>
was written. It will continue to be the only valid way to evaluate the success of middle schools.
It is not possible to tell you when the examples included above occurred. Some happened 20
years ago. Others happened last week. Similar events will undoubtedly happen in the future.
Dramatic changes will continue to happen in society. And, in that society, young adolescents will
continue to develop as they have for years.
Harry Finks is the former Director of the Middle School at The Gordon School (Rhode Island)
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