Disappointment. It’s a Good Thing.
It's no secret that we live in a time of “instant everything" and that we are becoming
more and more impatient as we tackle the challenges of our daily lives. We don't want
to wait in line at the bank or supermarket. We are annoyed if we can't find a parking
space close to a store's entrance. We want everything and we want it now. The internet
certainly has been instrumental in promoting the idea that we can have access to
anything and everything at any time, day or night. I am all for convenience myself but
where do we draw the line on expecting instant gratification in all aspects of our lives
and even more important, what message are we sending our children?
I pondered these questions myself recently as I witnessed the following scenarios in two
different local big box stores.
Store #1: The toy department.
As I hurriedly made my way through the store on a quick errand, I couldn't help but
be drawn to the loud, incessant whining of a young child who was pleading with his
parent for a coveted toy. The parent emphatically and continuously said no with long
winded explanations of why he couldn’t have the toy. The child continued to whine, beg,
and stamp his feet. After several minutes, the parent, obviously frustrated and now
somewhat angered by the child’s persistence, grabs the toy from the shelf, shoves it at
the child along with a look of scorn, and then continues to berate and admonish the
child for even wanting and asking for it. The child ignores the parent and with great
eagerness tears open the package to investigate his treasure.
I move on but meet up with them again at the checkout. The toy is now in the cart along
with the torn packaging. The child had lost interest in it but not surprisingly had now
launched into another plea – this time for candy. And so the dance begins again! I
watched as both parent and child leave the store angry and upset with each other.
Store #2: The toy department
This time, a parent with two young girls is moving through the aisles. One daughter asks
if they can have a toy they had been “eyeing” for some time. The mother simply replies,
“No”. The child scowls and asks again. The mother replies, “We are not buying toys
today”. This time the child accepts the answer, skips off to join her sister and they both
engage in an animated conversation about the toy, wondering if they might get it for
their birthday, save their money or put it on their Christmas list. All in all, a pleasant
exchange and the family leave the store happy.
These two encounters called to mind another event several years ago during a book fair
at our school. A young child had only one item in mind that he wanted - a big hardback
book, full of colorful pictures on his favorite subject - science. It was the only one left
and had already been claimed and paid for by another family. Tears welled up on his
sad face. I assured his mother he could still have it by placing an order at the end of the
book fair. He left still subdued and disappointed. Not long after, the mother came back
asking for the name of the family who had purchased the last book. When I inquired
why she said that she wanted to call them and buy the book (at an inflated price) so that
her son would have it that day. I counseled her against such a decision suggesting that
it was okay for her son to be disappointed and that he could still order the book the next
day. After some thought she agreed. Guess what - the next day his interest in the book
had waned and they never did place the order.
Parents often see their acquiescence to their child’s desire for immediate gratification as
an expression of love. What we are really doing is avoiding the discomfort that results
from saying no to our child - we don't want to disappoint them. But disappointment is a
part of life a fact that we know only too well as adults. So please parents, disappoint
your children - at least occasionally. They will be all the better for the experience.