Gene Love
Finding Our Families is a wonderful book for anyone whose life has been touched by
donor conception. It is also a wonderful book for anyone who wants to know more about
what it feels like to be donor conceived…or to be a donor…or to have become a parent
with the help of a donor.
Finding Our Families is really two books in one. One book is a practical, informative,
comprehensive guidebook for people seeking connections with donor kin. Authors
Wendy Kramer and Naomi Cahn offer a wealth of sensible, balanced information on
everything from how to write a letter to one’s donor to how to stay connected with donor
siblings… and more. The “second book,” seamlessly woven into the first, is about the
shifting definitions of family and about the immutable realities of kinship.
There are so many things I liked about the book. They include the fact that the authors
never come across as pedantic or judgmental. Undoubtedly they have their points of view
but they speak to readers in an ever balanced and compassionate voice. Keenly aware
that all of us are navigating uncharted territory, they offer people the encouragement to
explore new dimensions of family. Guidance comes graciously absent of anything like
“you SHOULD do this” or “you should never…”
Among the many blessings of this book is its title. Finding Our Families can mean many
things. Taken literally, it speaks to the desire of many who are donor conceived to find
and perhaps make contact with those with whom they are genetically connected. And of a
similar desire by donors to meet offspring. The title is also impressionistic---readers are
exploring and identifying new ways of making and keeping and reshaping families.
Language, as the authors make so clear, is very powerful. They do a wonderful job of
presenting the spectrum of terms people use –or don’t use—to identify donor
relationships. The authors prompt readers to feel comfortable developing or identifying
terminology that works for them. Although I am usually uncomfortable with the use of
the word “disclosure” to identify conversations between parents and their children in
donor conception, Kramer and Cahn employ it in a matter-of-fact way that never implies
that possibility of secrecy.
When people set out to build or expand their families through donor conception, many
want to avoid any thought that the donors—or their families—will in any way be part of
their children’s lives. With kindness, compassion and a gentle touch, Kramer and Cahn
guide readers from this seemingly “safe” perspective to a more open, expansive view of
kinship and of family possibilities. They acknowledge that while some offspring long for
connections to donors or donor sibs, others feel no curiosity nor need to connect.
Finding Our Families should be required reading for anyone considering donor
conception. This not only includes people seeking to build or expand their families but
also, those who plan to share their gametes with strangers. I could go on with my praise
of the book but I think the following quote, from a young man who had recently
connected with a young woman conceived from the same donor, says it all: “Never
having seen, listened to, or touched someone with whom I share a parent, I am
experiencing a new strain of gene love for the first time. I believe I have just me my best
friend as well. For me it has been healthy, enriching, comforting and stabilizing among
many other things.”