BEYOND BULLYING:
STRATEGIES FOR PARENTS
TO EMPOWER TEENS
Isaiah B. Pickens, Ph.D.
Note: This presentation is the
copywritten property of Dr. Isaiah B.
Pickens. Any reproduction or use of the
presentation or content therein must be
granted in writing by Dr. Pickens.
(isaiah.pickens@gmail.com)
OBJECTIVES
1.
Define harassment, intimidation, and
bullying behavior and identify
underlying causes.
2.
Identify the signs and characteristics
of the target, bully, and bystander.
3.
Develop a minimum of 3 strategies for
aiding teenage children with bullying.
DISSECTING HARASSMENT,
INTIMIDATION AND BULLYING BEHAVIOR
 Four
characteristics of harassment,
intimidation, and bullying (HIB; Coloroso,
2008):




Imbalance of power
Intent to harm
Threat of further aggression
Terror
 HIB




is not:
Conflict
Sibling Rivalry
Teasing
Flirting
FORMS OF HIB
1.
2.
3.
4.
Physical
Verbal
Relational/Social
Cyber
DRIVING FORCES BEHIND HIB
Devaluation of others

Problem: Bullying behavior is fueled by
contempt for another, a failure to recognize
the humanity in another person and a belief
that one can display these feelings as one
pleases.
Solution:
Instilling respect and empathy as
the basis for countering contempt and
facilitating more tolerant behavior toward
others.
DRIVING FORCES BEHIND HIB
Overvaluation of Self

Problem: A sense of entitlement that
reflects the belief that one is superior to
others and has the right to display this
superiority; even if it is at the expense of
another and results in destructive behavior
toward others.
Solution:
Cultivating a healthy self-image
and fostering pro-social behavior.
DRIVING FORCES BEHIND HIB
Culture of accepting HIB behavior

Problem: The explicit and implicit
messages within our culture that support
bullying, intimidation, and harassment
behavior.
Solution:
Helping to shape the environment
of youth to receive credible counter messages
that promote respectful interaction with
others.
PARENTS’ 4 M’S FOR BEATING HIB
1.
Modeling: Who am I?

2.
How does your style of parenting and what you
show your children support the values of respect,
empathy, and healthy self-development and
counter the messages that condone coercive
behavior to get what you want?
Monitoring: Who are they?

How does your child incorporate the values that
reflect respect, empathy, and healthy selfdevelopment?
PARENTS’ 4 M’S FOR BEATING HIB
3.
Molding: Who do I want them to be?
• Are you creating the kind of environment and
setting expectations that promotes the
development of respect, empathy, and healthy
self-development?
4.
Mending: Who are we when faced
with challenges?
• How do you help your child take responsibility for
behavior that counters the values of respect,
empathy, and healthy self-development?
PARENTING STYLES

The Dictator (Authoritarian Parenting)


The Santa Clause (Permissive Parenting)


The aim is to give the child what he or she wants, often at the
cost of giving the child what he or she needs.
The Wanderer (Uninvolved Parenting)


The aim is to control the child. Punishment, excessive
controls, and conditional love are often the vehicles to
accomplish this goal.
The aim is to give the parent what he or she wants, often at
the cost of giving the child what he or she needs.
The Democrat (Authoritative Parenting)

The aim is to teach the child how to become a mentally,
emotionally, relationally, and physically healthy individual.
Discipline, unconditional love, and validation are the vehicles
by which this goal is achieved.
QUIZ
What’s your
parenting
style?
SIGNS OF BEING THE TARGET
Emotional








Helpless
Hopeless
Sad/Depressed
Anxious
Angry
Fearful
Apathetic
Ashamed
Behavioral

Sudden change in behavior that
often involves
avoidance/isolation.

Decline in grades.

No longer talks about peers.

Has unexplained physical
injuries or physical ailments
that prevent social or academic
activity

Appears disheveled

Out of character behavior such
as talking derogatory about
peers or taking money from
parents.
Being a target is
the bully’s
choosing, being a
victim is the
target’s choosing.
4M’S FOR THE TARGET TEEN
Modeling


Risks:
 Hostile or bullying behaviors toward others or the
teen.
 Not using assertive skills to handle difficult
situations.
 Low self-regard.
Protective:
 Using assertive communication skills to resolve
conflict with others.
 Honestly expressing feelings.
 Self-care.
4M’S FOR THE TARGET
Monitoring


Risks:
Hovering behavior.
Minimizing changes in behavior.
Protective:
Notice behavior that may invite
bullying.
Be aware of your child’s strengths.
4M’S FOR THE TARGET
Molding


Risks:
 Placing teens in situations where humiliation or
embarrassment is likely.
 Making decisions for teen about how to handle situations
that he or she is capable of handling independently.
Protective:
 Teaching self-affirmation.
 Promoting assertive communication skills.
 Encouraging behaviors and activities that build
friendships and strengthen self-concept.
 Helping teen develop problem-solving skills.
4M’S FOR THE TARGET
Mending


Risks:
 Jumping to conclusions or fixes.
 Not validating experience.
 Low “trust currency” with teen.
 Encouraging retaliation for aggressive behavior.
Protective:
 Measured and authentic responses to problems that
display active listening, concern, and validation for teen.
 Natural and routine forums for your teen to express him
or herself and build trust.
 Help develop skills to understand and deal with anger,
shame, and disrespect.
 Collaboration for how to resolve the bullying.
SIGNS OF BEING A BULLY
Emotional
Behavioral

Callousness toward others or
animals (lack of compassion)

Uses status to dominate peers
and reinforce status.

Self-centeredness and inflated
sense of self-worth (sense of
entitlement)

Does not take responsibility for
behavior and often blames
others for behavior that harms
others.

Hurt others when adults are not
present.

Trivializes or minimizes how
hurt someone is from the
bullying behavior of others.


Difficult understanding
another’s perspective and
consequences of behavior (lack
of empathy, tolerance, and
foresight)
Personal insecurities that fuel
destructive behavior

Limited emotional range for
expressing frustration

Excited by hurting others
4M’S FOR THE BULLY
Modeling


Risks:
 Responding to misbehavior and others with hostility.
 Taunting others or speaking of others/toward others
disrespectfully.
 Manipulating situations to one’s advantage despite the
costs to others.
 Not admitting to mistakes or when wrong.
Protective:
 Displaying respectful and honest interaction with others.
 Willingness to display humility and right a situation
when wrong.
 Taking a proactive stance regarding the values that one
wants the child to learn such as self-care and healthy
interaction with others.
4M’S FOR THE BULLY
Monitoring


Risks:
 Minimization of at-risk behaviors observed.
 Non age-appropriate privacy.
 Minimal knowledge of friends or whereabouts.
Protective:
 Creating safeguards that permit monitoring of
behavior and making your child aware of it to
facilitate dialogue.
 Taking opportunities to learn about the interests
and friends of your teen.
4M’S FOR THE BULLY
Molding


Risks:
 Manipulation of child’s behavior.
 Discouragement of dialogue about rules and
expectations.
 Linking behavior to external motivators.
Protective:
 Collaborative process for setting rules.
 Dialogue and interactions that encourage intrinsic
motivation for moral development.
 Creating activities to develop respect and empathy.
4M’S FOR THE BULLY
Mending


Risks:
 Use of punishment to control behavior.
 Defensiveness about bullying behavior.
 Supporting blame of the target or others for child’s
behavior.
 Ignoring or failing to adequately discipline the behavior.
Protective:
 Letting discipline guide the process.
 Permitting natural consequences to unfold and
promoting taking responsibility for actions.
 Collaborating on “making it right”.
 Reassuring your child that your love for them is
unchanged, but your disapproval of their behavior is
clear.
FROM BYSTANDER TO UPSTANDER
 Bystander
Anyone who is involved with, present
at, or aware of HIB behavior and does
nothing to stop it.
 Upstander
Anyone who is involved with, present
at, or aware of HIB behavior and does
something to stop it.
FROM BYSTANDER TO UPSTANDER
Modeling


Risks:
 Being oblivious or silent about injustices.
 Participating in unfair activities.
Protective:
 Taking a proactive role in dealing with
unfair situations.
 Treating others in the family fairly.
FROM BYSTANDER TO UPSTANDER
Monitoring


Risks:
 Minimizing discussion of bullying
behavior.
 Obliviousness to media watched by
child.
Protective:
 Notice how your teen talks about
bullying behavior.
 Noticing types and frequency of media
watched/played.
FROM BYSTANDER TO UPSTANDER
Molding


Risks:
 Condoning behavior that supports bullying.
 Neglecting the obstacles that may arise to acting
ethically in unfair situations.
 Not providing guidance for the reasons for making good
decisions.
Protective:
 Engaging teens in helping activities.
 Validating and discussing concerns about challenging the
bully and explore reasons to be an upstander.
 Promoting personal responsibility for actions and acting
with kindness and respect.
FROM BYSTANDER TO UPSTANDER
Mending


Risks:
 Normalizing bullying behavior.
 Fueling a belief that the teen does not play a role in
bullying they witness.
Protective:
 Helping teen clearly understand his/her role in bullying
behavior.
 Collaborating with teen for the best steps to address
bullying behavior.
 Conveying your praise for working to counter bullying
behavior.
TAKEAWAYS

Be proactive

Act immediately when HIB is suspected

Use all available resources to address HIB

Find avenues to maintain dialogue with teens

Validate their experiences and take suspected
HIB seriously
RESOURCES
The bully, the bullied, and the bystander: From
preschool to high school-how parents and teachers
can help break the cycle of violence. © 2008
By Barabara Coloroso
www.stopbullying.com
www.education.com/topic/school-bullying-teasing/
http://www.pta.org/bullying.asp
For more information:
Isaiah B. Pickens, Ph.D.
Isaiah.Pickens@gmail.com