COMMUNICATION
& RELATIONSHIPS
OPEN, HONEST, TRUSTFILLED COMMUNICATION
IS THE KEY TO GROWTH IN
YOUR RELATIONSHIP
*The Bible is all
about relationships:
God’s love for us and
our response
Genesis is the book about the
beginnings of human history:
the creation of man and woman
They are called to be
‘Two in one flesh’. This is
about the UNITY God
wishes to exist between
husband and wife
* Unity depends on the
level of INTIMACY in the
relationship
Intimacy is not primarily
about sex
Intimacy – from Latin
‘Intus’ meaning ‘within’
Intimacy is experienced
through communicating
thoughts and feelings
AN IMPORTANT DEFINITION:
“A feeling is a spontaneous inner
reaction to a person, place or
situation I am experiencing or
thinking about at this moment”
It involves verbal and
non-verbal communication,
and requires ACTIVE
LISTENING, especially to
THE FEELINGS
Feelings arise SPONTANEOUSLY. We
have no control over their coming.
They reflect the judgement we make
about how what we see and hear at
this moment will affect our ability to
meet our NEEDS.
*RELATIONSHIP NEEDS
To be loved and accepted
For self-worth
To belong
For autonomy: to be
able to be ‘myself’ while
in a relationship with you
These NEEDS ‘drive’ our behaviour.
All day long, in every situation, we
are concerned to meet these needs
‘Good’ (pleasant, happy,
joyful) feelings tell us that
we judge our needs are
being met at this moment
Sadness, anger, fear, anxiety
etc. tell us that we judge our
needs are NOT being met at
this moment.
*Why do we find difficulty
…we might also
be afraid about
how they or
others might use
what we have
shared.
sharing these feelings?
Because we judge there
is something ‘wrong’
with us if we have
these sort of feelings.
What will people
think of me if they
know I have
these feelings?
Because feelings arise
SPONTANEOUSLY there is
nothing ‘wrong’ with any feeling.
FEELINGS ARE NEITHER
RIGHT NOR WRONG. THEY
JUST ‘ARE’. THEY ARE ‘ME’
AS I AM AT THIS MOMENT
* It IS wrong to EXPRESS anger
through physical or verbal
abuse, or by ‘nursing’ our
anger and allowing it to ‘leak’
into our relationship with others.
Because feelings arise
spontaneously don’t blame
me for my feelings, don’t
criticize my feelings,
don’t judge me on my
feelings, don’t tell me I
shouldn’t feel like that.
Much of the time we don’t
know why we have these
feelings. They arise because
of all the ‘baggage’ we each
bring to the relationship to
start with, which we are
adding to every day.
Each person can have
different feelings about the
same thing because of their
different experiences,
hopes, fears, expectations
and attitudes etc
You can have different
feelings about the same
situation today from those
you had yesterday
because of all that has
happened in the meantime.
So it is important for each
person in the relationship to
IDENTIFY their feelings, and to
share them with their partner.
NOTE: When we say “I feel that…”
Or “I feel I should” …etc
we are NOT expressing a feeling.
We are expressing a THOUGHT or
making a judgement.
OPEN, HONEST,
TRUST- FILLED
COMMUNICATION IS THE
KEY TO ACHIEVING AN
INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP,
AND IT STRENGTHENS
COMMITMENT
TRUST is an essential part of the
rock foundation of a relationship.
Secrecy; unwillingness to share
with your partner on a regular
basis your thoughts and feelings;
dishonesty and lies – especially
about money and sex;
abusive language and behaviour…
these are destructive of trust and
erode relationship and commitment
An affair destroys trust,
which is very difficult
to restore.
A few moments of
excitement and pleasure
can lead to a life-time of
regret, and cause pain to
others, especially children.
Christian marriage calls a
couple to “take each
other for better for worse,
for richer for poorer, in
sickness and in health, to
love and to cherish till
death us do part”.
This requires a level of
commitment greater than
that required in any other
human relationship.
It involves more than
‘fuzzy’ feelings.
TO LOVE IS A DECISION
You CHOOSE to marry this person.
It’s a free choice you both make.
Both persons must be committed
to a life-long relationship.
That commitment means
that despite serious
health problems,
unemployment, financial
problems, housing
difficulties, problems
with the children,
childlessness, in-laws,
etc. you will remain
committed to each other
until one of you dies.
????!!!
To live out TO LOVE IS A
DECISION on a daily basis
often means rising above
your feelings of anger,
resentment, fear etc. to
reach out to the other
person, to DECIDE to love
them when you don’t
FEEL very loving.
The greatest aid to a
secure, happy and lifelong marriage is OPEN,
HONEST, TRUST-FILLED
COMMUNICATION
ON A DAILY BASIS
Unless a couple continue to
communicate each day at the level
of FEELINGS they gradually get to
a stage when they don’t really
know each other.*
Don’t think you know
ME because of your
past experience of
me. I am always
changing – every
day!
There is a DOWNWARD
SPIRAL when there is a
LACK of open, honest,
communication.
85% of
stonewallers are
men, which infuriates
their wives!
The first thing to go is
politeness
which leads to
rudeness,
complaints,
criticism,
contempt,
defensiveness,
stonewalling.
There IS a
REPAIR MECHANISM:
Start really listening, latch on to
his or her efforts to mend the rift,
be precise about your complaints,
state how you feel about the
present situation of your
relationship, try to empathise with
your partner, make conciliatory
gestures, and follow this with a
healthy dose of PRAISE and
ADMIRATION*
After the married couple have
shared on this topic we will ask
you to complete a handout on
FEELINGS, and a questionnaire.
It is important to write down
your thoughts and especially
your FEELINGS, using the list of
feelings words provided.
If you write little
or nothing you
deprive your
partner of a
fuller knowledge
of you…and you
can imagine the
resentment they
may be feeling.
Then join your partner and
hand them the sheet with
your answers. As you read their
responses to the questions take
in what they have written;
tell them how
you FEEL
about what
they have
written, and then
discuss your
answers.