Dr. Rob Lees, R. Psych. • Evidence that Parental Relationship quality affects Children’s Adjustment. • NOT blaming parents for adjustment issues • Story of Father Calvo, a Spanish Priest and the Founder of Marriage Encounter who worked with troubled youth. • Difficult to improve family without improving the parental dyad. Socio-emotional and mental health challenges Poorer functioning for the young people More stress for the children Greater stress Poorer parental relationship quality • Two resources based on scientific evidence with easy to read books that explain their work. • The Relationship House model from Dr. John Gottman of Seattle • The Hold Me Tight model from Dr. Susan Johnson from Ottawa • Close observation of couples • Eg. Video taped conversations about an area of conflict • Biological indicators monitored: heart rate, galvanic skin response, and a sensor on the chair to capture “wiggles”. • Dr. Gottman claims His team can predict with 95% assurance which couples will divorce. Here are a few of the key do’s and don’ts: • Start conversations, especially those where you want change or know you have conflict, “softly.” • How conversations start often predict how they will end. • Well, here’s what they don’t look like • Why can’t I ever get any help around here? • Compare that with this soft start up • I’m feeling frustrated and need to talk about some things, would now be ok? Gottman describes 4 communication patterns that announce the coming of the end • Defensiveness • Criticism • Stonewalling • Contempt • Men • Get angry and unpleasant effects last longer than in women • Avoid being upset • Obviously TOO sensitive!!! • Women • Get angry and the anger dissipates. • Better in conflict • Often better in any verbal sparring or communication •Clear signs of relationship distress •But, all is not lost! • In any intimate relationship we make “bids” to be noticed • Can be very tentative because we fear rejection • Can be masked, too subtle, clumsy or made as demands • Bids are always saying: • “Will you notice me?” • “Do I matter?” • Think about how you attempt to get your needs met by your partner… • Men often use sex as a bid for attention. • Being physical for them is a powerful way to feel connected and valued as they often feel second to their more verbally connected spouses. • Began her doctoral research 25 years ago at the UBC Department of Counseling Psychology • Spent 25 yrs collecting evidence for her Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy • Authored self-help book: “Hold Me Tight: Conversations for Connection” • Success rate for Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy = 85% of distressed couples can become non-distressed when treated • A blend of three well known theories • Gestalt therapy with its emphasis on immediate experience • Family Systems theory with its emphasis on patterns and reciprocal causation • Attachment theory • According to Johnson, every relationship is like a dance • It has different music, but the same pattern; different content, but the same roles • Some common names for a couple’s dance: • Protest Polka • The Freeze and Flee Minuet • Find the Bad Guy Salsa • Couples can learn that their desire to meet their needs is swept up in a pattern that takes both of them captive • They can then learn to: • Outsmart the dance • Change their roles • Be more aware of the needs they are trying to meet • Johnson might ask a couple to complete the following: • The more I ________, the more you _________, the more you ________, the more I __________ • The more I distance, the more you attack, the more I distance • It doesn’t matter “where it started or who started it”, both parties behavior fuels the dance and the pattern continues. • Johnson assists couples in finding the “soft,” vulnerable emotions that lay below the surface • A loud and demanding spouse may really be frightened that they are unlovable and will be abandoned if they don’t demand to be noticed. • The rejection sensitive spouse may pull away out of fear that if they ask for what the need they will be told they’re unworthy. • Understanding “softer” feelings brings people together • Hard or angry surface feelings drive us apart. • What we know about attachment in children applies in intimate adult love relationships • Our partner is our safe harbor and secure base • This makes it especially alarming when we feel criticized or under attack. • Intimate relationships are meant to be safe places to go when we are emotionally hurt • When they aren’t safe, we need to seek other ports in the storm • This need is deeply woven into our biology – for example, when you were small you had to cry to ensure the attention of your caregivers without which you would die Tom Hanks in Castaway • A – are you there for me? • R – are you responsive to me? • E – will you engage with me? • At a biological level we all need to be noticed - if we aren’t noticed as infants we will not survive • These needs have a powerful “life or death” feel to them • We can do crazy things in the name of love! • Women often sacrifice themselves • Men too often use aggression Piglet: “Pooh?” Pooh: “Yes, Piglet?” Piglet: “Nothing, I just wanted to be sure of you.” • When our needs our not met we might: • Protest • Withdraw • Cling • Similar to attachment styles of children • Protests • Often come out as complaints, demands or negativity • Partner is saying: “I want to matter to you and don’t feel I do” • Withdrawal • Behavior of those who don’t believe their needs will be met • Results in a quieter relationship, but not necessarily healthier • Clingy • Needs predictability and assurance • Discussed 2 scientific works focused on improving adult relationships • Improving parental relationships will likely benefit all those who are in their “downline” • Focus on the concepts of • Beginning conversations with Soft Start Ups • Avoiding the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse • Being aware of “Bids” • Focus on • Understanding and taming negative relationship patterns • Paying attention to needs for connection • Michelle Weiner Davis’ “Divorce Busting” • David Snarch’s “Passionate Marriage • Harville Hendrix’s “Getting the Love you Want” • BHR Chilliwack’s work with more than 500 couples we’ve learned • Prioritizing their relationship leads to couples feeling more empowered and able to respond to demands of parenting • Children need to know the center of their universe is stable, grounded, competent and nurturing • Two parents who are connected help provide this • What about lone parent households? • Or “married singles” - roommates, not soul mates? • How can your core attachment needs be met? • If it isn’t a spouse, let it be a friend or relative • Start with admiration and fondness • Increase the ratio of positive to negative interactions • Ask yourself what’s good about your spouse? What attracted you to them? • Think of them in a kindly light… • Eg. Stubborn or tenacious and determined? • Masters of marriage, in contrast to the “disasters,” know a lot about each other • Favorite colours, shows, memories…etc. • Do you really know your partner for who they are now? • All these small things add up to a “love map” • Helps you show that you really want to “know” your partner • “I” statements are self responsible • “You” statements can come across as blaming • “I” statements are to couple communication… • ...what “deep breathing” is to mental health AND • ...what “sneezing into your sleeve” and “washing your hands” is to public health Situation You Message I Message Wife rejected a sexual advance “What’s the matter with you?” “I feel hurt and confused.” Husband forgot to call “You’re so irresponsible” “I’m really frustrated, I thought we had a plan.” • Attention means making time • Money and child care can be stumbling blocks • Mind set is critical: reach the point where you can say your own relationship is the key relationship in the family • Why focus on sex? • It’s a barometer of closeness and distance • It is often more important to men; men have more difficulty connecting • Men see sex as a way to seek validation, to feel that they matter and are valued • Solace sex • When people get so far apart they find comfort in each other then return to their remote positions • Sealed off sex • Without emotional connection for the release of sexual tension • Synchronous sex • Erotic, playful, and emotionally connected sex • For many, affection is the prelude to sex • Women often want affection but they may not want sex • Dilemma: reject the affection or feel pressured into sex when they may not want to • Sometimes leads to a decrease in affection • Possible solution: a contract when you know you have time for each other and can have sex • Goal of webinar = having partners with kids with mental health challenges ensure they take time to consider ways to improve their adult attachment relationships. • Provided some information from the work of Dr. Gottman and Johnson, along with our insights from the Building Healthy Relationships couple courses in Chilliwack. • Content is not meant to be couple counselling or take the place of a consultation with a trained marriage therapist. • If you are aware that your relationship is in distress, consider the services of a qualified marriage therapist as an investment in yourself and your family. With thanks to: Tina Lee - Mental Health Worker, Richmond, BC Esther Groenhof - Mental Health Clinician, Chilliwack, BC Jay Timms - Mental Health Clinician, Surrey, BC Bob Youssef - Counsellor, Abbotsford, BC Technical Assistance: Lisa Baker – Mental Health Clinician, Chilliwack, BC • • • • • John Gottman, Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love you Want Susan Johnson, Hold Me Tight: Conversations for Connection David Snarch, The Passionate Marriage Michelle Weiner-Davis, Divorce Busting