Ten Weeks to Self
Esteem
Presented by the Lawyers
Assistance Program
Facilitated by Robert Bircher
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Psycho-educational
Groups
• This series of classes is in the format of a
psycho-educational group-this is different
than a process group or university class-for
some of you this may be your first class of
this type!!
• The focus is on gaining psychological
insights into your own behavior and changing
your behavior-which includes changing your
thinking and what you do in the world
• This process includes doing the assignments
in the book, listening in class, participating
fully in the group exercises and making
appropriate changes in your life-the payoff is
better self esteem
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Boundaries
• In the group you will be asked to talk about
various aspects of yourself relating to the
exercises-you set your own boundaries-no
one will ever push you to reveal anything
• The experience of most people is that they
open up more as they feel safer and get to
know other people in the group-by the end
many friendships are often made!
• The group requires an undertaking of
confidentiality which includes mentioning
that a person is in the group or talking in a
way where a person could be identified (a
bald guy who works at the LAP)
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What is Self Esteem?
• One definition is the internal
experience of one’s own preciousness
and value as a person
• Another is the story you tell yourself
about you
• People with good self esteem respect
and love themselves whether they win
or lose or whether they are loved or
respected
• Good self esteem is not impacted by
outside events, like making mistakes,
being rejected, insulted or gossiped
about etc.
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Self Confidence- Self
Esteem
• Self esteem is not the same as self confidence
(which comes from people’s belief that they
will probably succeed at a task)
• Accordingly, if you play tennis with the
world champion you will not likely have
much self confidence but you can still have
self esteem-refusing to base your self esteem
on your performance and feeling worthwhile
and lovable and laughing as you lost!!
• It is possible to have excessive self esteem
based on an unrealistic self assessmentarrogance or narcissism –paradoxically this
is usually to cover up a sense of
worthlessness or inferiority inside
• What is your own definition?
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Self Esteem
• Some people experience whipsawing at the
extremes-you think you are worthless and not
as good as others or you are arrogant or think
you are superior to others
• Self esteem is usually created in childhood
and represents how you were treated in your
family-some families have accurate mirroring
some do not-some families had concave
mirroring -you’re not good enough, others
convex- you’re better than everybody else
• I recently saw an interview with Cameron
Diaz-the famous actress and she attributed
most of her success to her parents focus on
fostering her self esteem, thus avoiding
arrogance in spite of her fame
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Other Esteem
• Some people mix up self esteem with
other esteem-what they believe
others think of them-and live their
life trying to improve their “other
esteem”
• Other esteem is usually based on
external things-how they look, how
much money they have, who they
know, what car/house they have,
degrees earned, how their children
perform etc.
• Other esteem can also be based on
performance and is part of many
families “you are a good girl you got
an A average, we love you”
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Self Esteem
• Some people have poor self
esteem and high other esteem
which works as long as the
external world goes your way.
• Internal self esteem is not
dependant on external factors-this
does not mean you won’t react to
the world you just won’t let it
impact your own sense of value
• What is your own level of
self/other esteem?
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Low Self Esteem
• Some symptoms of low self esteem
are-difficulty making decisions,
judging yourself harshly, feeling not
good enough, embarrassed to receive
recognition or praise, inability to ask
others to meet your needs, valuing
other peoples approval
• Self esteem is on a continuum, nobody
has perfect self esteem or no esteem
• Perfectionism is a common symptom
in lawyers as are unrealistically high
standards
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High Self Esteem
• If you had excellent parenting you
probably were lucky and have good
core self esteem, less than perfect
parenting is the norm
• Self esteem can be improved, unlike IQ
which is largely unchangeable
• Family patterns are like ruts in a road
and are hard to get out of-they tend to
be your default position
• Changing the patterns requires doing
things differently and group support is
especially helpful-you get multiple
adult mirroring which is usually more
accurate than your old story
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Creating Good Self
Esteem
• You need to tell yourself a new,
more accurate story about you
• As those who are familiar with
CBT know- many of your
opinions and judgments about
yourself are highly inaccurate-this
results in bad choices
• What helps in changing your
thinking is changing your
behavior-”it is easier to act your
way into a new way of thinking
than to think your way into a new
way of acting”
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Creating Good Self
Esteem
• The biggest mistake most lawyers
make is the belief they can think their
way out of problems or beliefs-what
works is changing actions
• In this course changing actions means
doing the workbook exercises, coming
to class, walking the walk
• Research shows doing this will
improve your self esteem and reduce
depression at least as much as any
antidepressant drugs, this course is free
and you get to meet cool people-a no
lose proposition!!
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Mood Measurement
• Each week we will do the Burns depression
inventory, anxiety inventory and relationship
satisfaction scale in our workbook-you will
not be asked to discuss your actual scoresalthough you may be asked to talk about the
story you tell yourself about the scores-a very
different thing!
• The scoring is in the material and is self
explanatory-the difference in anxiety and
depression is that anxiety is a bodily reaction
to your minds depressing thoughts (called
somatization)
• Some people get more anxious than depressed
or vice versa-some do both
• Scores over 30 indicate a situation that
definitely requires attention-scores under 5
indicate an absence of anxiety or depression
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Mood Measurement
• Everyone has some background
anxiety and depression which has
nothing to do with practicing law-it
would exist if you were a parking lot
attendant-it is always valuable to know
which is which
• Law, by its nature, can definitely
trigger both anxiety and depression and
people very prone to this may need to
be very careful about the area of law
and legal culture they work in-in some
cases they may need to work in quasilegal areas or in some cases leave law
altogether
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Goals for this Class
• On page 28 of the materials is a
space to write down your goalsput down at least 3
• You will be asked to do the
exercises and the first chapter
deals with reasons (great stories
you tell yourself) not to do the
exercises
• The value you create for
yourself depends on whether
you do the assignments!!
• You can’t think your way out of
depression-you must change
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Helping in Group Process
• One of the great values of being in a
group is the experience of others and
their experience of you
• You get to be real about your life with
another person-it is very different than
being in a CLE class and a very
different way of interacting with other
lawyers-trust me you will love it!!
• In groups listening in a non judgmental
way important and advice giving is
not-the opposite of law practice-this
new way of communicating will be
new to many of you
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Helping by Listening
• The best way to help others and
yourself is learning to be present
with another person
• This means being absolutely focused
on what they are saying- not thinking
of your reaction or what thing you
are going to say
• We use 3 models of listening;
• Haven communication model
• Burns communication model(effective
listening)
• Reflective listening
• All are easy to understand but very
difficult to practice
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Helping by Listening
• Sometimes no model at all is requiredjust being absolutely, totally present
with another and saying nothing works
well. This works if you can be present
without reacting or thinking about
something else while you are listeningsomething few people can do without
training
• Reflective Listening or Mirroring-this
requires being present and repeating
back what the person says and feels,
also occasionally asking questions
about what is going on for the person
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Helping by Listening
• When they teach reflective listening
one method is to engage with another
person for about an hour without
asking any questions-most lawyers can
last about 2 minutes!!
• Reflective listening is required to use
the other two methods-especially for
thought and feeling empathy
• The Haven method is especially good
for enhancing intimacy and is the basic
method used at the LAP
• The Burns method is good for effective
conflict resolution
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